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female
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22-25,
anonymous
writes:im 14 turning 15 and my lover has just turned 23 and we are pretty far apart in age but does it really matter? we do not have a sexual relationship and nobody except a close adult friend of mine knows, I feel the urge to tell my mother that im in love but I know that she will over react...I feel like I want to shout to the world who he is and why I love him, but I don't want him going to prison... Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (1 March 2014):
 If you can’t tell your own Mother at 14/15 years of age and you know this guy could go to prison because of your age; then it is a big deal! You may not have had sex, but I’m sure you would have kissed each other by now?
If you want to tell the world who he is; we already know who and what he is, why you love him and why you can’t tell your Mother. Now if you can’t work this out for yourself, I guess 7 years is a big deal and that you still need a Mother to overreact and protect you.
CAA
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male
reader, Serpico +, writes (28 February 2014):
As far as maturity goes, 15 to 23 is worlds apart. Maybe the fastest maturity growth period in ones life.
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reader, CMMP +, writes (28 February 2014):
I'm going to be honest and say that not everyone is the same, but for consistency we make rules that apply to everyone.
When I was 22 i unknowingly briefly dated a 15 year old. It didn't occur to me to ask because she acted the same as anyone else I knew, and she was a woman as far as the eye could tell. One day her cousin told me she was 15. I was shocked and ended it immediately. Part of me felt like it sucked because she seemed so great, but I knew that it was the right thing to do. Luckily we never slept together.
Throughout human history people have grown up faster than they do now. Women were having kids as soon as they were able because life was quick. These days we're living a lot longer so we've changed as a culture, although our instincts haven't caught up.
This is why you feel like an adult at 14. But the truth is that you have lots of growing to do. You are still a kid and being in a relationship with a 23 year old takes that away from you. I'm sure you don't agree, but there are some things that you have to just trust people on, and this is one of them.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2014): OP you're not even old enough to know that the term "lover" implies a sexual relationship. Lover is defined as a person you're making love to.
I think you should tell your mother. If you think you're old enough to have an adult relationship then you should act like an adult and be open about it.
There is no chance she will overreact because her reaction will be 100% justified because her daughter who is still a child has been seduced by a 23 year old man. One who will have sex with her while she's under age because there is no chance in hell he will wait another year for that.
I'm 9 years older than my wife, she was 19 when we got together and even for us it was tough because of the gap. But she was an adult and well capable of handling an adult relationship and being open with her parents about it. We didn't sneak around people's backs and we certainly had enough respect for the people who care about us to tell them about us and face up to their reactions.
Age does matter. I know from experience it does and I know from having 3 younger sisters that 14 is way too young. I know from remembering how young I was at 14, a child, to know that a relationship with an adult would have been wrong is rightly illegal.
I have nothing at all against age gap relationships, I'm in one and I know a couple with a 20 year difference who have a really great relationship, but they were both adults when it started. You're not. You've only barely entered puberty, you don't even know who you will be as a woman yet and have no idea of the concept of love in any kind of real fashion. You may think you do, OP, and how you feel is very real but love to an adult is a very different emotion than to a 14 year old. There is no chance of good relationship here with a happy ending because of your age.
I honestly don't know why you're here or what you're really asking, personally I think he's a scum bag who deserves jail time. You're obviously one of those children who thinks she's mature and knows better than everyone else. One of my sisters had an older male "friend" sniffing around her at your age who tried to use the excuse that it was her choice if she wanted to be his friend when I confronted him about it, it was a very painful lesson for him and the friend who tried to defend him that 14 year olds cannot make adult decisions. It was even more painful lesson for the group of them that tried to get me back over it too.
OP I'm a teacher. I work with girls and boys your age, you're only at the very beginning of your life and still only growing up. The girls we have to worry about are the ones who only have adults as friends. They pretty much never have a father in their life and are very susceptible to older male influence because of that. They get used, abused and make very bad decisions because they just don't know what is right in terms of older men, they gravitate towards them to seek that father figure and think it's love. You have a close adult "friend" that thinks this is okay? Then that adult friend can't be trusted to look out for you because they've completely failed here, what's worse is they're keeping your secret.
The funniest thing about this, OP, is your mother will eventually find out and when she finds out from someone else other than you she'll go off like a nuke. She'll never trust any of your older male friends again, and she will lock you down so tight you won't have a life until you move out when you're older because she can't trust you.
You see OP, adult relationships are harmful for kids, which is why we don't allow them to happen to kids your age. You haven't developed emotionally enough at all to handle all that comes with it. He owns you, can do whatever he likes to you very easily because at 23 it's very easy to manipulate a 14 year old and they won't even know that it's happening.
I may aswell be talking to the wall because you're not going to listen. This will end badly, hopefully for you the emotional toll won't be so bad because you're not developed enough to handle it, hopefully for your predatory boyfriend it will be a very harsh lesson and if you ask the guy who wanted to be my sister's "friend" it was a lesson worth learning because he got off lightly as compared to what would have happened if they were in a relationship. Sex offender for life because even touching your arse is a sexual offence.
If you ask my sister who is now 20 about it she's glad she had me to look out for her, because 6 years on she's an adult now and realizes how bad it could have been if I let her off on her little fantasy of what she thought love was back then. She knows now she had no concept of what it meant at all, it's quite simply something people your age just will not understand.
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reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (28 February 2014):
 Dear Young OP.
I know at 14 going on 15 you think you are mature enough to handle this. I know at 14 I would have thought so and I would have been excited and flattered by the attentions of an adult. Sadly you can’t see that any man who at 23 finds the attentions and likes of a 14/15 yr old exciting is not mature enough to be considered an adult.
If you do not have a sexual relationship then referring to this male (I can’t call him a man as a man would NOT do this to a child) as your lover is a misnomer and indicates your lack of understanding of the relationship. A LOVER is someone you are having sexual relations with. He is not your lover. He is merely a cross between hebephile (early pubescent lover) or a ephebophile (mid-late adolescent lover). This is one step removed from being a pedophile IMO. THIS IS A SEXUAL ABERRATION. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ephebophilia
You are very far apart in age at this time in your life. While 8/9 years is NOT a huge gap for ADULTS, it’s the grand canyon for teens. It really DOES matter. On many levels.
THE FACT that you think your mother will “over react” if you tell her, tells me that somehow yo know DEEP in your mind that this is WRONG. IF you didn’t think it was wrong you would not keep him a secret from all but ONE close friend. What overreaction do you think your mother will have?
The fact that you know he will go to prison also tells me you know this is wrong.
The fact that you wrote here asking why it’s a big deal and if it matters says that somewhere in your mind YOU know it’s wrong and you want us to tell you it’s ok. NO ONE here but another TEEN will tell you it’s ok. IT IS NOT OK.
So if you are not having a sexual relationship, tell me about this relationship you have with him. What do you talk about? DO you see him in person? HOW did you meet him?
WHAT does this man do for a living? WHERE does he live?
I will make a deal with you.
IF you truly TRULY TRULY love him, and you are as mature as you believe you are, then you will understand and will NOT mind, waiting 3 more years till you are 18 to have any relationship with him.
IF you say you can't wait, then it's indicative of you not being a. in love and/or not mature enough to understand that 3 years in your life is not a lot of time and it's worth the wait till it's legal for you two to be together.
If you sneak around with him, I can promise you that someone will find out and he may go to jail.... this is NOT a good thing for you and he should as an adult KNOW better and behave better... he needs to say "we must wait till you are 18 and it's legal" If he does not, then he's the one at fault. He's the bad guy here... you are too young and immature to understand why... but you asked us so trust us.
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reader, DragonMan  +, writes (28 February 2014):
 Greetings,I think the key thing here isn't the age difference between the two of you, it is YOUR age in this matter.You are far too young to be hanging around with a man who is more sexually aware of the facts. Yes you do say that you don't have a sexual relationship or that you are in love but listen to us, in this matter time is merely a factor. You'll reach a verdict that you want to have sex with him at this young stage and don't care about the consequences and he would've scored.Love tends to screw with reason and make you do stupid things because you feel you 'know' the right person.The biggest catch on this is the fact you are afraid to tell your parents for fear of him being arrested. Who told you this, him or you and why? Because if you feel that this relationship could put him in jail then there is a reason for it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2014): Why are you calling him your lover? If you don't have sex, he is not your lover. Legally you are a child. He knows you are a child, and I hope he knows what will follow you guys haing sex: jail for him. This law was made for a reason. At your age you don't have enough life experience and ability to make life changing desicions, that's why even if sex was not forced on you, it's still considered rape . Thatis why it is a big deal.
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reader, YouWish +, writes (28 February 2014):
 A 23 year old with a 14 year old is statutary rape. Neither of you are in the same place in life, and he's taking advantage of you if you're calling him "lover" and it's gotten physical.. There is no reason why a guy who is 23 should do anything with a girl in 8th grade junior high except rape her sexually. You are too young to legally consent to sex. You need to talk to your mom about this, because this "close" adult friend is not your friend if he or she is not contacting authorities on this rapist.
You may think you're in love with this guy, but there is no future here now. Laws are in place to protect people from your age from being exploited by adults for sex. You're being groomed FOR sex, and if he's placed his hands on you, it's called a "lewd and lascivious act". If you have sex with him, you will look back on this as the worst mistake you have ever made.
Any guy who sexually seduces a minor of age 14, that's a crime, from sexual assault to rape if you both do have sex. He's in a different place mentally than you are, and the 9 year old age difference is a power imbalance that makes you less able to say no. A 9 year age difference is different when you come of age (18 in the US), but make no mistake - talk to your mom now. Run away from this. Do NOT have sex with him. He is grooming you for rape. Do not believe the whole "Age is just a number", "you're mature for your age", "We have to keep this a secret because no one will understand".
Instead, you may want to read a site called "Perverted-justice.com" which shows MANY girls your age in the same situation of being in the sexual crosshairs of sexual predators like this 23-year old "lover" of yours. Girls get seduced like you only to have their lives destroyed by guys who say all the right thing, play with adolescent emotions, start having sex, and then they are discarded or worse - in extreme cases it turns to serious abuse.
7 years is everything at your age. When you turn 23, you won't even think the same that you do now. You won't even have the same thought or reasoning, and if you stay with this guy, you won't have your innocence either.
Talk to your mom, fast. She loves you and would be devastated to know that you were raped by this guy, and it IS rape because you are too young to consent.
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reader, crushed_by_love +, writes (28 February 2014):
Yes it's a very big deal. When you're older 7 (or 9) years isn't that much of a problem, but for now you're a child and he's a grown man. You may be blinkered to the fact because you're not having sex but he is grooming you. Admittedly he's not breaking any laws at the moment but he's leading up to your 16th birthday and you know exactly what he'll want then.Your mother won't over react. She will be furious and may well threaten him with the police. That in this case would be a totally normal reaction. If you really think he is the guy for you, break off all contact and tell him you'll consider getting back with him when you're older, say 19 or 20.Waiting around for each other will only lead to one eventuality and that will give him a label he won't display proudly- PAEDOPHILE
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reader, CindyCares  +, writes (28 February 2014):
 Just for the record, there are 9 years of age difference between you, not 7.
And yes, it's a big big deal. You are at present in two totally different worlds, mentally, emotionally and as life experience. No way that this can be a relationship between equals.
I am a mother myself, although I'd be the mother of the boy, having a 23 y.o. son. I would be appalled to know that he has such a keen interest on a young teen , because whatever it means... IMO it does not mean anything good. It may mean that he is grooming her for sex , - predators can be VERY patient when trying to reel in a sweet sexy young plaything, it's part of the game and of the excitement , it's more fun if you can't have her right away. It may mean that he is an insecure , socially awkward guy who has not enough confidence to attract and handle a more mature woman. It may mean that he is an overbearing control freak that likes all the clout he can have from a relationship with a child "gf ". Or , it may mean that he is childish and immature and has the same tastes, interests, thoughts and attitudes of a 14 y.o. kid.
In short, if you are a " good " guy you leave 14 -15 y.o. kids alone and treat them at most like younger SISTERS. If you see them under a different light, uhm, just that does not speak in your favour and entitles all the mothers of the world to freak out at leasure, and to " overreact ", i.e. to react in the appropriate negative way.
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reader, pinktopaz +, writes (28 February 2014):
It's a big deal because (as much as you probably hate to read this or disagree) you're still a child and he's a full-fledged adult.
7-years isn't a big deal if you were 25 and he was 32. And I'm not sure if you picked the title, but he's actually closer to 9-years older than you, not 7. Not sure who did the math there.
I wish I could convince you that a MAN at the age of 23 has something wrong with him for wanting to date a 13-year old girl. You really should stay away from him; unfortunately, you probably won't realize this until you're older. Telling your mother would not be her overreacting, her reaction would probably be quite appropriate. While, he may not be trying to have sex with you now, he will eventually...and if you want people to think otherwise, you probably shouldn't call him your "lover."
There's a reason why guys like him go to jail and get labeled through the legal system as a "sex offender."
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