A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Am i too close to my mum?My ex boyfriend who i was with for 4 years and lived with recently dumped me becuase he said i'm too close to my mum. He's made me question myself, tourture myself, caused a gap between me and my mum and has made me hate myself in the last few months since he left.I've been going to therapy where I have basically realised that no one should make you question yourself and make you feel bad about yourself... But i still have that underlying question that perhaps i am a bit too close to my mum?My father died when i was 4 (now 24) so it's just been me and my mum! She has been there for me with everything and i've helped her too, we have looked after each other. When I was 19 i moved to London and started uni which was a massive thing for both of us... We were both in tears but i knew it was something i had to do and wanted to do, i could see my mum whenever i wanted. In the first few weeks i met my boyfriend of 4 years i was a bit preoccupied and was busy having fun which meant i didnt speak to my mum much, she was a bit annoyed at first but then realised that i was being independent so it was fine. Mum was always a bit wary of my boyf as he was my first, shes lost her temper with him on a number of occasions where he has kept his cool but quite often he has shouted back.... Anyway in the first few years of being with my boyf we moved in together which she completely disagreed with she felt i was missing out on uni life ect i understood her opinion but moved in with my boyf becuase thats what i wanted to do. She backed off a bit and i didn't see her for a while much to my boyfriends delight. However living in the same city as my boyfriends parents we ended up seeing them quite a few times a week which i didnt seem to mind until it started it get on my nerves (you could perhaps say hes too close to his parents). Over those 2 years i would still see my mum and chat on the phone but i guess we werent as close as we used to be. In the 3rd year of me and my boyfriends relationship he started a business and became really busy, i was spending more time alone and started missing home and my mum alot more, so i started going home more frequently and speaking to her on the phone alot more. She came up to visit me more and we just generally started spending more time together. I had friends in london and at home so i did see them too. Anyway in spetember she was up visiting me i went to work that morning and got a call from my boyf who shouted down the phone to me 'your mum is having a go at me again i told you next time she treats me like shit im leaving!!!' I could hear my mum weeping in the background. I tried to phone her and she had left the flat and told me not to worry it was just a disagreement. I texted my boyfriend who texted angrilly about how horrible she is and this was the last time he was going to take any sh£t from her. I spent the whole day worryingwhen i get in from work she was there he was still at work. She said she was aking him where the station was and he said 'sarah (me) should have told you all this shes usless ect' my mum snapped at him and he yelled at her then that was it a big argument. He came home that evening and they had an even bigger argument i tried to mediate and ot finally ended. I went to bed that evening with my boyfrined who then started yelling at me for not standing up for him and hes not been true to himself in the argument hes had to bow down to her once again for my sake. 2 weeks later he was fine i was fine we were looking for houses, i wanted 3 bed house so we could have a room, he would have an office for his business and there would be a spare room so my mum could stay if she wanted and if we wanted her there and we could have friends to stay. We put an offer in to one house we went out for dinner 2 days later then he says to me'i want to break up' he was saying 'youre too close to your mum, you dont stand up for me against her and your too dependant on her' i was completely shell shocked.... How could he seem fine by putting an offer on a house with me then suddently say this. He has made me question myself competely!!!! Since my boyfriend left 2 months ago, mum has come to stay with me a few times a week.... I speak to her onnthe phone...i love her but noooo way could i live with her again 2 nights is enough and i love her and appreciate her opinion but i dont think she is always right!!??But that question still lingers and haunts me - am i too close to her? What are your opinions?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2014): Thanks all for your wonderful and different answers!Completely agree with you Peanut Butter, I too and so do a lot of my family and friends think he has just used my mum as a scapegoat. I think perhaps he has been unhappy for a while, sometimes he would say so and other times he would say completely the opposite 'your the love of my life, the one i want to marry' - he said this in September then broke up with me a month later!!!!I agree with you Honeypie that she was perhaps a bit too involved in the relationship (she came to stay quite often to my ex's dismay even tho they got on the majority of the time, she tends to have quite a short fuse and if he would say something out of order she might snap at him which would make him yell at her but I think it's completely out of order than he shouts back, you should have respect for your inlaws....). Also regarding the buying of the house and spare room for my mum - I did tend to want a house for that reason mainly because my mum started a course in London and I wanted to help her out a few days a week so she could stay and commute to her course easily. But yes I did lose sight into why we were getting a house in the first place. I did apologise to my ex who just ignored it.Oldbag - thanks for your answer, yes I think that perhaps I am a bit too influenced by her opinion but it's great she comes to stay with me a few times a week because she is studying in London which is doing her the world of good! Plus if she were overbearing she would be staying here with me every night to commute to her course (would be a lot easier for her) but she spends the rest of the week commuting from home - she understands that i need my space and respects that.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (28 February 2014):
 I don't think you are too close to your mom either. HOWEVER, I DO think you mom has been TOO involved in YOUR relationship. Her fighting with your BF and having "a go at him" is just not right.
Now I'm only going by what you have been writing (you never said WHY she had these fights with him).
I have ALL my life been VERY close to my mom (til she passed away) I'm one of those people who would have had no problem living VERY close to my mom as an adult. But I have also always been VERY independent and my mom NEVER caused any interference in my relationships - she LOVED my first BF (well he IS a great guy) and even after our 4 1/2 relationship was over he still would visit my parents. They just had a good connection. He would call them on holidays, for advice and just to say hi. When my mom passed and I couldn't go home - HE went.
If I had problems with a BF she would give me advice, she wouldn't shout or get mad at the BF. Pretty much drama free.
I think your BF used your relationship with your mom as an excuse to break up with you.
However, when buying your first house your priority is to have a spare room for your mom? A little... co-dependent. You mom can visit/come for dinner and then go home.
SHE needs to live her LIFE and you NEED to live yours. Spending time together can be dinner, spending a Sunday together or Saturday going shopping. It doesn't HAVE to involve sleep overs.
Keep going to counseling and keep working on your Independence. You are 22-25 so seeing your mom often or calling her often IS perfectly normal.
This was your FIRST relationship. Having a relationship is a WORK in progress and there is a learning curve to it, JUST like ANYTHING else in life. Don't take what your now ex said as the "gospel", but look back and see what YOU can improve on in your NEXT relationship.
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A
female
reader, PeanutButter +, writes (28 February 2014):
 You know, I don't think that you are, or were, too close to your mother, at all.
We get one shot at getting along with our parents and the closeness you have with her is fabulous - I know many people who are not at all close with their mothers or fathers and they would give anything to have the kind of closeness that you have with her - which is not over the top at all!
You left home, you were independent, you weren't asking your man to move back home with you to be with your mother, you were not too much, AT ALL! Do NOT put this on you, this isn't your burden to carry and it was very mean of him to put this on you.
Honestly, it sounds to me like your boyfriend was unhappy and used your mother as an excuse to get out. I can't tell you why he was unhappy, but you don't enter into buying a house with someone and then ditch them 2 days later after 4 years together and so I wonder if perhaps he had been getting cold feet for a while and just used your mother to blow up the situation and make it your fault to take the pressure off of himself and to justify his leaving - because that IS what people tend to do in finding ways to put the blame on anyone that isn't themselves and to make themselves feel less guilt about leaving, which he may well have had in mind for a while.
I don't think you should carry this with you, it isn't fair on you or the relationship with your mother - I think you should mend any tension between yourself and her and realize that it isn't her fault or your fault that this man left, it was his inability to accept you in your entirety, family and all, which lead to this and this means that he was not right for you!
You are still young and you have so much life left to live that you will one day find a man who will love you whole-heartedly and will love you, your ambitions, your flaws, your mother, the whole package and THAT will be the man you will want to buy a house with and live a full, happy life with!
Mend things with your mother, forgive yourself for anything you think you're responsible for and grieve for the lost relationship BUT do NOT let it keep you down. You're stronger than all the advice and councelling you can get and your mother is the only one you're going to get - never feel bad about having a closeness with her!
I lost my father when I was younger and I had grown up with him, not my mother and so when he died my mother was all I had left and we have a great relationship now and I would not change that for the world. I don't get to see her much because we live in different countries, but if my husband had a single bad word to say about her, it would be like commenting negatively on me, and I wouldn't take that from anyone - and neither should you!
On the last point about her always being right - it doesn't matter if she is or isn't always right, she is still your mother and she shouldn't be cut out of your life just because man doesn't agree with her opinion. You keep family close and agree to disagree when you don't work on the same page, but you never let them go!
Very much good luck to you! x
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A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (28 February 2014):
 I don't think your too close to your mum, no, you and she are bound to be close after all you were a duo for years.
However there are two issues, your boyfriend is one, he clearly didn't like the influence your mum has on you. That could be because she knew he wasn't right or good for you, and he knew she had him sussed. Maybe he used her as an excuse to finish your relationship, his 'get out' clause. He maybe decided he wasn't ready to buy a home with you or anyone.
The other issue is your mum, I know its hard to let go of your children, but it has to be done. It doesn't mean you grow apart just that things change. You have to let your kids grow as adults, make mistakes, have their heart broken, make choices.
It also means your mum is free to start a new life or career-on her own, to try new things, maybe even marry again. That way you can exchange your experiences when you meet, your relationship changes as its 2 adults now.
Has she done this?
You can't be responsible for her happiness or life, it doesn't mean you love her less, or that your not as close, just that things are different.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 February 2014): It's highly likely that you are in a co-dependent relationship with your boyfriend. But prior to this your main co-dependent was your Mum.People often learn co-dependency as young children, usually through one parent forming a too close bond with them if their own partner disappears OR if the family effectively shape the person into become the carer for everyone so that they can't establish their own needs and desires but always shape their lives according to others needs. Your Mum will have become co-dependent on you - it takes at least two people.When you become co-dependent it stays with you as a trait and you gravitate towards people to become your main co-dependent but will usually have other friendships etc where you are less obviously co-dependent - you may have friendships where you are behaving as counsellor to your friends for example.At this time, it seems like your boyfriend and your Mum have both been fighting for place as main co-dependent in your life. I'm honestly not too sure about the counselling advice that you've received - unless it's the way you are phrasing it? Surely everyone at some time ends up questioning someone or encouraging them to question or even doubt their self? Isn't this what life is like? Maybe you mean if someone encourages you to self-sabotage? Put yourself down? The difficulty with that is establishing whether they MEANT to do it, or whether you have a tendency to do that anyway and picked up on certain things they say that help you to manifest a need to self sabotage, even though it feels painful. The counsellor should be helping you to establish the difference.You can read lots about co-dependency on the internet. You don't even have to be necessarily 'close' to the person just dependent. It's different to interdependency which is a healthy state of affairs. There are also good books but your counsellor should help you. If you do research this, don't fall into the trap of trying to heal the whole situation because you will be more educated about how relationships work - this will simply put you in the position of carer to your Mum and ex partner, and is a sign of co-dependency in itself.
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