A
male
age
41-50,
*yau
writes:Im asking the question: Why isnt it shameful to be divorced?Why would anyone admit it? to me it makes the person look selfish and non commital really..I have to admit it puts me off a person quite a lot.What does everyone else think?
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female
reader, GardenLover  +, writes (26 July 2011):
 Sometimes the only thing a "divorced" person is guilty of is falling for a good con. I dated a man for a long time and we were a total match, but after the wedding he turned out to be a total con artist. He even lied about what type of music he enjoyed, even though we had talked endlessly about music... on and on. Point here is not that I was a sucker, now divorced sucker forever labeled, but, as many have said here already, the issue is not black and white. A lot of things can happen that would cause a divorce. I'd rather hang with a happily divorced person than someone who is destroying themself by holding onto a relationship that is sucking the life out of them. It begs the question, what is most important in life...?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2011): if you dont want a divorced woman there are many widows around.............is this better???
relationships are damn hard work........not everyone is committed . there are many many facets to a marriage- problems also stem from financial difficulty, communication issues, cheating, health issues - the list is almost endless.
i have read this divorce is sometimes more traumatic than a death.........fo figure.
I have had friends whom divorced, they are good people, dedicated spouses, sexy cats...........does this make them selfish and non commital????nah!!!!!!!!!!!!
OP divorce is rife. when I had marital issues my hubby and I threw the D word around, perhaps as a threat. we were both committed to each other, loved each other but the communication levels were at a all time low. we celebrate 20 years together this year...........
wake up and smell the coffee.....
LoveGirl
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2011): Hannah 76 said:
"The wrong guy in a marriage can destroy every ounce of anything in your whole life."
The wrong woman can as well. I was married to a controlling, violent and manipulative woman who had a history of mental problems that had been concealed from me previously.
I was physically attacked and continually mentally abused in my own home and by phone when I was fortunate enough to be away with work, i was also isolated from my friends and family.
I still find my past embarrassing and feel a stigma of divorce but it saved my life. I hate filling in forms now where "divorced" is an option... If there is a single option it doesn't have a sub-question about your failed relationships. Divorcees cope differently, I have put that sorry episode of my life behind me and wish everyone else could as well.
I'm not a quitter, I tried everything I could to solve our problems without taking the ultimate step but that was all that was left available to me.
I wont comment on the incoherent nature of your question but may point out that some divorced people are much better off for the experience and there are some extremely caring and loving people... All I ever wanted was to be loved and I'm still looking.
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A
male
reader, AvgGuy1 +, writes (8 July 2011):
 Had my parents gotten divorced when I was a kid - like they should have - perhaps my father wouldn't have beaten my mother to death! Not all relationships are meant to last even if initial intentions are 'till death do us part'.
There are a WHOLE BOAT LOAD of reasons for divorce and sticking together 'for the kids benefit' is NOT a healthy environment in which to raise children. This is especially true if one partner is gay/bi and hiding it from the other.
Each separation/divorce has its own root causes most of which are specific only to the two parties involved.
Don't be so judgemental until you know the facts.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (4 July 2011):
 You need to take those blinders off and move into the technicolor world me boyo. Nothing everything is black or white.
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (4 July 2011):
 labeling people shows a certain level of immaturity and inexperience with life.
Shunning divorced people and telling US (cuz I am one of them) we should be ashamed of ourselves and should hide our past shows a lack of compassion and haughtiness.
I hope you have a perfect life and that no-one throws you a curve ball. But if one is tossed your way, don't be ashamed, hit it with a bat like the rest of us and be proud of your homerun.
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female
reader, cmarieky +, writes (3 July 2011):
Divorce isn't shameful because it is necessary. It saves lives. For the woman that was brutally beating by her husband, for the children molested by their dad, for the man married to the woman whose on drugs and to anyone that caught an std from the person they divorced. Divorce is to be celebrated especially when you are in mental emotional physical or sexual bondage. Prime example, my grandma was divorced 4 times bc she refused to be mistreated even in the 70s 80s 90s she got divorced. However my dear late mother remained married to my abusive dad for 25years. He beat her, n us his children. Were horrible examples for my brothers and he does and did crack cocaine for 40ish years. My mother died 20yrs younger than her mother at 47. Perhaps my mom shouldve divorced my dad. Maybe my brother wouldn't never got shot by him, or my other brother wouldn't have went to prison. Maybe if my mom would have divorced my dad my brothers wouldn't be drugdealers. Divorce is a blessing. It's saying you don't have to be in bondage.
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A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify  +, writes (3 July 2011):
 are you catholic by any chance? your attitude will block you from finding someone you can accept as you are too easily influenced by a category, rather than falling for a person.
sounds like at your age you need to realise that a lot of the available women for you are going to be divorced. if you cant tolerate it then you may be out of luck, but then again you may find someone just as picky as you and love will blossom.
divorce isn't shamefull but it does show that the person hasn't made the best choices in love. that in itself is off putting maybe for you but its on an even keel with someone who takes no risks.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (3 July 2011):
 I'm divorced. twice already with a third in the works.
I am also with a wonderful man who loves me.
Divorce is not shameful. I left my first husband because he was emotionally abusive. I left my second husband when he tried to kill me while he was high on crack that he got from his girlfriend.
The third divorce is probably 'the most shameful' in your criteria. I am ending a marriage to a man who refuses to get therapy for his self-hatred and anger. I am ending a marriage to a man who would rather break things and injure himself than hit me. But he's still violent and he's still angry and not coping... and I no longer wish to deal with it if he won't even try to get better.
The truth is, my current husband left me because I refused to give up a relationship that he knew about and condoned. I forced his hand. I did not shed a tear when he left... very telling.
I am clearly a hopeless romantic. Clearly I believe in marriage.... and faith and trust and hope....
Hope springs eternal in my eyes...
divorce is just fixing a big mistake.... breaking up is fixing a little mistake.
my dad has lived with his GF now nearly 15 years... they don't get married for various reasons... but i see them not as truly happy... and yet they stay together.... but it's not out of joy or love anymore... not it's because it's comfortable and just easier.... ouch.
Making the judgment that divorce is shameful and shows non-commitment seems unreasonable to me.
I was committed enough to get married. I am NOT ashamed of doing what I needed to do to take care of me...
I fear you may end up very lonely if you continue this mindset.
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (3 July 2011):
 I think your statement shows a lack of experience and compassion for others and WHY they are divorced.
Just like couples get married for different reasons (not everyone gets married for love) couples can divorce for different reasons.
I am divorced and yes, I was ashamed for a little while. I felt like I failed as a wife. I was very depressed because I feel like I was not good enough to make my husband love me.
But there is more to the story. My husband abused me and abused our children. (Physically, emotionally, verbally, sexually and financially) He threatened to abandon us regularly because he said being a Father and Husband was a burden. I went to several different counselors over the years, was on medication, and told myself I could live a loveless and abusive marriage. UNTIL he turned on the kids.
One day, he moved out and told me that it was to teach me a lesson to respect him. I changed the locks and got a lawyer. I met my breaking point.
I never got married to get divorced. I planned on being married the rest of my life and I got married because I loved him above all others and wanted a family with him. In the end, he told me that all he really wanted was to make his parents happy ,that he never loved me, and regretted being a Dad.
So, your reasoning that divorce is a sign of a lack of commitment for all people is false.
Yes, there are people that change spouses/relationships more frequently than socks. But, some people divorce because the relationship has become destructive.
One person can not carry the relationship by themselves.
Other reasons why people divorce
*A partner has an addiction that is destroying the well being of the family as a whole or puts other family members in danger.
*A partner is consistently unfaithful
*A partner has withdrawn completely and is only a "name" on a piece of paper.
*A partner realizes they married for the wrong reasons (Married to please other people, they are gay, they married for money or other gain, etc)
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (3 July 2011):
 Why should anyone stay in a marriage they're unhappy in? It's no different from any other break-up except that there's a contract for this one.
I think people getting married for the wrong reasons is much worse than getting divorced for the right ones.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2011): No matter how much you might be against divorce, your spouse might someday change their mind and want to break up anyway. What could you do about it then?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (3 July 2011):
 Why should it be shameful ? everybody can make mistakes, make wrong decisions. Everybody. We should not, but we do.
Making in good faith a wrong judgement call , like thinking that a certain relationship can/will last forever then it does not, may be sad, shocking,disruptive, naive......but shameful, why ?
You also forget that very often divorce is not mutually agreed upon. One party wants it and imposes it on the other, or acts in a way that leaves the partner no choice.
If you are married and your spouse takes off with his/her lover leaving you high and dry, what's the point of clinging to a marriage that factually does not exist anymore ?
If you are a battered woman who gets abused by your husband one day yes and the next also, why should you stay and be a living punching bag ?
"A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds " ( R.W.Emerson")
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2011): Divorce is just another break up. There's no difference except you have to get out of a legal contract to do it.
OP you're entitled to your beliefs, but not to impose them on others. You may find it find it shameful to divorce but for you to judge others under the same principle is a bit closed minded in my opinion. You see you judge people negatively based solely on them being divorced, what if that woman divorced her husband because he started beating the hell out of her? Or a guy divorced his wife because she started cheating on him? Do you think those people should have stayed to married?
I don't think so OP. I respect your belief, if it's for religious reasons or whatever that's fine but try not to judge other people negatively, they may not have had any other option.
It's not shameful to be divorced just like it's not shameful to have had other relationships fail. Some people go through life never being able to make a relationship work, others are lucky to have found their true love almost straight away. The world isn't perfect and no one should stay married in a loveless, violent or just unhappy relationship.
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A
female
reader, kirra07  +, writes (3 July 2011):
I guess I can see where you are coming from. I don't see divorced people the same way I see someone who is married or never been married. I wouldn't want to date someone who is divorced. It's an immediate x for me. However, I don't think that people should always stay together. If they are making each other miserable, then why ruin both lives by staying together? Divorce certainly isn't something to brag about, but it shouldn't be something to hide either. It does possibly indicate something about someone though. Possibly immaturity, impulsiveness when getting married too early. Or not wanting to commit or work at the relationship. Depends on the conditions of the marriage/divorce. But it's not something I like to see, unless abuse happens (and in that case, they shouldn't have gotten married to begin with).
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female
reader, hannah76 +, writes (3 July 2011):
 Hello,
Divorce can be a life saver for some people. The wrong guy in a marriage can destroy every ounce of anything in your whole life. Sometimes, divorce is the best option. Life and choices and people change. As for yourself, I would ask why this is a worry for you? Is it the sexual part? However, if you feel this way, I would advise only date non-divorced women.
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female
reader, sammy1986 +, writes (3 July 2011):
people will have diffrent views on this personally i think it is fine to meet someone who has been divorced it doesnt mean they are non comittal there could be hundreds of reasons why the marriage did not work out partner cheating lying to each other abusive relationship etc could be anything you can,t really judge divorced people people you don,t know what has gone on
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2011): you must have lived a perfect life then, where nothing bad ever happened to you, if you can think that way about divorce... what if the divorced person is a woman who divorced in order to escape and abusive husband, or what if the divorced person had a husband or wife who cheated on them? there is a time and place for everything, including divorce... think rationally for just one second...
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male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (3 July 2011):
 Some of us make mistakes - especially early in life - and it may offer us the opportunity to learn from such mistakes. Therefore, a divorced person may be the wiser, but will also have been sexually experienced. Perhaps it is that previous sexual experience that abhors you?
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female
reader, MissTellAll +, writes (3 July 2011):
 There are a lot of reasons a marriage can end in divorce. You seem to have this one-track view of what happens that leads to a divorce.
Maybe that person is divorced because they were being cheated on. They wanted commitment, but were hurt.
Maybe this person and their spouse simply weren't compatible enough to withstand the test of time.
Maybe one or both of them lost attraction to each other.
As for why anyone would admit to it, well, that's being honest. Would you rather they hide this aspect of their past from you? I'm thinking the answer is no.
It's all circumstantial. Don't judge someone by one folly in their past if you don't know the whole story.
There are so many extensive situations and scenarios I could go into that would cause a marriage to end.
Overall, it isn't necessarily shameful. The past is the past, after all. I'm not saying you're a bad person for being put off by it, naturally you assume that there is some great character flaw in that person that caused them to get divorced. This is not always the case. Sometimes, yes, but not always.
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