A
female
age
30-35,
*rittanybucket
writes:I have heard before that people can have multiple "soul mates" or people that they are attracted to or fall in love with. I have also heard that everyone has a "type", and the one they end up with falls into a mold of a person that is their ideal. I've been struggling with if I am attracted to men, women, or transgendered people and wonder, should I open myself up to dating all of the above (when I am ready), or look for which of the three I prefer? It just seems like such a big dating pool being bisexual (perhaps even pansexual)! Any help would be much appreciated :) Reply to this Question
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reader, Greasy  +, writes (3 July 2011):
Hi bb,I think I might be able to shed some light on your confusion or at least point you in a direction to gain some perspective on it. I work in science, so up front let me say I've got a bias toward mundane explanations for what would otherwise be romantic notions......like "soul mates."I think casting as either a soul mate or not (or, for that matter, rating them as x per cent of what a soul mate might be) puts undue pressure on oneself. That is, your mission becomes one of sifting through x00,000,000 people in the world to hopefully stumble across the one who's meant for you. In that case, you've got even a bigger pile to sort through if you're bi-, pan-, omni-, octo-sexual or any variation thereof. Instead of that, I think we make life easier on ourselves if we think in terms of compatibility. And by compatibility I don't mean as one whole person to another, but rather different aspects of one person being compatible with the same or complementary aspects of another. For instance, Buddhists break down the 'self' or 'mind' into 3 aspects (you could slice the cake any way you want, but I find this model does the trick for me): the cognitive/rational mind, the emotional mind, and the physical. To make things more complicated, each aspect doesn't necessarily like the same things to the same extent: your cognitive self might be drawn to people w/similar attitudes as you; your emotional self might be drawn to older men who smell like cigars; your physical self might be drawn to women with red hair and big boobs.Now their are 2 fundamental problems this model of things causes for the whole 'type/soul-mate' search. 1) Each of your 'selves' could be looking out for a different 'type,' and 2) Well, I guess there's just the one fundamental problem. But it's big.Now let's say you're on the hunt for Mx. Right - straight away you're setting yourself up for disappointment if you're looking for some idealized soul-mate unless it so happens that all of your 'selves' somehow agree on one ideal. Good luck with that. Another problem is that everyone lingering at the bar is in the same boat as you: they've got their cognitive, emotional, and physical ducks in the same pond but not necessarily swimming in the same direction. That means that when you meet someone, each of yours and their '3 minds', if you will, may or may not be compatible to greater or lesser degrees.In other words, the search for a single, perfect solution to the problem of pairing up is damn-near impossible. The good news, though, is that instead of there being one impossible 'perfect' solutions, there are likely to be thousands upon thousands of 'not bad at all' solutions, and some 'well-nigh perfect' solutions. That is, you're bound to come across people with whom you ring e. other's cognitive amd/or emotional and/or physical bells. Of course, how much importance you place on what aspect is ultimately up to you - which, come to think of it, is another parameter that'd ideally match-up between you and Mx. Right.So all that boo-ha-ha is to say that you can work out for yourself who exactly it is that you're looking for, or rather who is optimal, based on an honest self-evaluation of what your cognitive, emotional, and physical 'selves' like as well as what order of importance each of those is to you. Two bits of warning: 1) Be prepared for contradiction, and 2) Be as honest as possible with yourself.Just for shYts and giggles, here's what I've worked out for myself as I type this [if you haven't guessed already, I'm typing this advice as much to myself as to you]:1 Cognitive- I like philosophical types who don't mind talking about random hypotheticals for the sake of philosophizing about them, and who share similar political beliefs as me.2 Physical- I like younger women with strong shoulders who wear sweat pants w/a college logo on the butt [Go ahead and judge all you want]3 Emotional- I like people who will provide me w/validation that I'm a good person and that my existence makes the world betterI'm thinking the ordering of 2 and 3 changes with my mood, but 1 is pretty stable. This gives me a deck of cards to take with me into the world to see if it shuffles together well with others'. The important thing, though, is sorting out your own different parameters of compatibility and recognizing that your libido/psyche isn't a singular entity with consistent wants or needs. As such, it stands to reason that forcing yourself to boil the world down to a single 'type' is setting yourself up for disappointment.So here's my advice [finally]: date far and wide, and use those experiences to sort out what rings your bell for each aspect of who you are - and don't sweat it if those are contradictory. Once you have a good idea of who/what the different bits of you like, then it's a lot easier to go out and find someone who's more compatible with whatever aspects you put the most importance on.Good luck - please sell this as a movie script if you get the chance (and pay me).
A
female
reader, hopeFUL_romantic_13  +, writes (3 July 2011):
I believe that someone can love two people at the same time. For instance, if a spouse is happy until someone else comes along who seems like the 'right' person is definitely possible. It's true that everyone has a type but they don't always find their 'ideal' lover. Rather they find someone who may not meet their standards, but they still come to love them in every way, faults and all. Its good you want to open your options. Experimenting can be fun. Find what you really like and stick with it. You never know what may happen in the long run.
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