A
male
age
,
*uy619
writes:I work so hard at my job because we need the money. My gf wants us to buy a larger place with some land and outbuildings etc so I feel I have to work as hard as I can. On the other side my gf will not get a paid job. She says that she already has a job. This job is her creativity and unfortunately she earns little or nothing from it year in year out. I find that supporting us both and saving for a bigger place is possible only if I continue to accept work as it comes in and even then it is hard.I am not doing a job that I particularly like and in fact it is far away from my interests and training but I do it because it is a means to and end which is the same for many people.She is aware of this and originally encouraged me to go in to this area of work. I do understand the need for friendships outside of the relationship but I find it hurtful to be told that I am "not worth being around" when I come home form work tired.She complains that we don't do anything but I feel that we do. We eat out either together or with friends 2 times a week, go to the cinema every week and theatre about once a month. We drive out to the country or seaside at weekends and have driven 500 miles over a long weekend 3 times this year already to see her family. I admit that I do like good communication in a relatioinship but I am completly failing to achieve this. In the daytimes she see's her friends for coffee or lunch and sometimes goes round to their places. She spends some time 'working' which she does whenever she wants and when I come home from work she stays out until 9 or 10pm at night and then wants us to prepare a meal together and eat at about midnight. I find I can not eat so late as I don't sleep and then the whole process starts again as I get up at 6am for work. I find I am absolutely exhausted at the weekend and I hardly get the chance to recover before monday morning starts again.I know it sounds like a long irrational complaint but until recently I also did all the washing (incluing hers) and the most of the clearing up after meals. I buy clothes for her if she wants them, pay for flowers for her relatives birthdays, buy presents for her relatives and pay for all transport and holidays and yes I am starting to feel angry and used. I have tried and tried to discuss things but every time I try she gets angry.When she returned last night after going for a meal with the guy she went to see she was angry with me for having not changed fully from my work clothes (I have to wear a collar and tie and suit for work) Also she completely ignored me. She is angry with me for being tired and yet only returns late when I am sure to be tired. She could easily see me at 6.30 or 7pm when we could make the most of the evening together - at least this is what I feel but chooses to stay out.It seems to me I have choices. I could try to be around more. Meaning I could reduce the amount I work. This wouldn't work as I wouldn't be able to afford it. I could try to stay awake longer. I am not sure about pursuing this as I have started to feel ill at times where I have been trying to stay awake longer and be more on her time clock. I have been so tired that I have been physically sick in the morning and I do believe my work is suffering.I love this woman and try to be the best I can for our relationship. Why, if she cares for me, does she insist on me earning as much as I can and accept the benefits that it brings, and yet despise me for it?Tonight I arrived back from work at 7.30pm. There is no sign of her here and no response from her phone. All I do is work and wait for her and pay bills. And I'm very sad about everything.
View related questions:
flowers, money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2009): This entire thing is greatly distressing to me. You sound like a nice and earnest man, just trying to do your best, and that anyone would treat you so callously is alarming. After reading this and several of your other posts, it is obvious that your girlfriend does not care for you in a healthy, adult way, and that she does not deserve your patience or kindness anymore. There are many wonderful, empathetic women out there who would appreciate being with someone as loyal and understanding as you seem to be, and you are wasting your life with a leech. You seem a very mild mannered, gentle person, and as unpleasant as it is, those are the sorts of people that are most often taken advantage of. She is out late with other men, she leaves unannounced, she tries to make you feel guilty and leaves you rude notes, she does not allow or reciprocate physical affection. What you have is not a relationship, as a relationship is something that should be passed back and forth between two people, and you are the only one putting forth any real effort here. You only have your one life to live, and you have yourself admitted that you do not like who you have become and that the relationship is taxing on you. It will be difficult to leave her, especially since you are so accustomed to flying by her whims and she seems to be the manipulative weepy type, but in the end you will be all the better for it. You can meet someone new, work your own hours in a job that you enjoy to whichever end you please. A worthwhile woman will support you in what you want to do as well as you support her, and it should be an equal partnership. You sound miserable, and you KNOW you are miserable, so there is only one thing left to do, and that is leave.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 November 2009): I seriously have to say thisStop asking questions, you have asked so many and you should be able to see that your partner is corrupt.End it now.Do it.End it now, or become a doormat and slowly decend into poverty. She is sucking every penny out of you, and you're getting nothing in return.In biological terms, that's known as parasitismGet out now.
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (6 November 2009):
Then this is your chance to be strong again. She's used and abused you, and you're a hard worker who is being hurt. You need to gather up all your strength, tell her it's over and move on. Take time focusing on yourself and your own life. Make a clean break.
...............................
A
male
reader, Guy619 +, writes (6 November 2009):
Guy619 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am sorry I have not been able to resolve my situation. And I am sorry that I have asked so many questions. I know the overwhelming response has been to leave. I see it. I am not really sure I have anything in me to stand up. I have become weak by this and I don't like myself very much. Thank you for your responses.
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (6 November 2009):
After your update, I'd say get out now.
...............................
A
male
reader, Guy619 +, writes (6 November 2009):
Guy619 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI want to add an update at this point. My gf did not come back last night. We live together. I called and left a message when I arrived home form work and then I waited until 10pm before trying to call her again. She would not answer my calls or return my texts. I texted her to ask to let me know she was ok and she ignored this. Eventually she sent me a text saying just that she was 'in the countryside' and that she 'had to get away'. At 1am she finally texted to say that she was about a hundred miles away and had booked in to a room. I have worried and not slept well and I have work today too. I understand that everyone needs space and to get away sometimes but I am so shocked at her lack of empathy and consideration. If she's fed up or angry or just needs space that is one thing but a telephone call I feel is the minimum respect for someone elses feelings. I contacted a friend hoping that she could get a response to make sure my gf was ok but she apparantly ignored her calls too. This morning I feel sick with tiredness and worry. Finally, after I had fallen asleep last night she sent a text which I didn't hear arrive. She said that she is ok, that I should't worry, that it is nice where she is and that I should drive and join her tomorrow. There are two points here. 1. My car has to go in to the garage for work on the brakes today or tomorrow so either I put that off and drive down or I hire a car. 2. She has decided to book in to a hotel for which if I turn up I know I will be paying as a few days ago she was complaining that she had just £18 in her bank account. This extra £300 to £500 I can't afford on top of the repairs to the car this month unless I put it on my credit card. Why can't she see that her actions and lack of consideration and meaningful communication are a huge cause of our problems? I would be greatful for your thoughts.
...............................
A
female
reader, Share Bear +, writes (6 November 2009):
 Ohhh- this girl makes me so angry! She does NOT constantly have needs that are more important than yours’ or indeed anyone’s. She is ungrateful and spoilt.If you love her like you say you do, then the best thing you can do for her IS to leave her. Let her learn was it is to live, and not to be kept. And she is sooo nasty to you!Your post made me think of the line from the Beatles' song, Girl;She's the kind of girl who puts you down When friends are there You feel a fool When you say she's looking good She acts as if it's understood she's cool, ooh, oo, oo, oo Girl, girl, girl Was she told when she was young that pain would lead to pleasure Did she understand it when they said That a man must break his back to earn his day of leisure? Will she still believe it when he's dead Ah, girl, girl, girl Girl I think you know deep down that this girl is sapping your strength without a care in the world. I'd re-write your will if you haven't already! Do you drive to work everyday in this tired state? -It's NOT WORTH IT!Imagine if someone was treating a close friend or a family member like this?? What would you say to your brother- or sister if they came to you with problem?Please- throw her out IMMEDIATELY! You deserve self respect and the chance of a life too.
...............................
A
male
reader, Beingblack +, writes (5 November 2009):
 When I read through this post, and then at the responses, I almost found it laughable, if it wasn't so sad.
I will accept that you love this woman, and I will also accept that you want to remain with her.
But I cannot accept that she has such huge demands and desires with so little input into the relationship.
You work all day, and come home and wait. For what? What are you waiting for?
This woman has no job, but has an ATM in bed next to her. She doesn't care about you, she wants to live a life of style, with no effort on her part.
My friend, what happens when you have a breakdown, and her ATM no longer has anything in it? Where will she find the money to keep up the lifestyle that she enjoys and seeks? I see disaster, and loneliness I'm afraid.
It is hard for you to see what we all see, you love this woman. But she doesn't love you at all. Love is not turning her phone off, staying out without you, or pushing you to your limit, doing your 'stupid' job, while she drinks coffee with who knows who, at who knows where.
You SHOULD feel angry and used. Next time she threatens to leave you, call her bluff and agree.
Life is always what we make of it. I guess I am so lucky, I love my life. But if I didn't, I would change my circumstances so that I felt good about myself. That is what you have to do, and I am sorry to say that unless she pulls her finger out, this woman deserves no part in your future happiness.
Choose what you want. Misery or happiness. We can all advise you, but only one person can take action.
...............................
A
male
reader, Guy619 +, writes (5 November 2009):
Guy619 is verified as being by the original poster of the questioneyeswideopen, Thank you for your replies here. I understand the idea of 'choosing' to be in something like this. I agree we all make our choices and maybe I am something of a puppy dog as you say. I think that my sense of what is right for me has been lost in the mess that is my relationship. I don't want to hurt her or leave her out in the cold - no one deserves that and maybe she's not a bad person - it's just that she has her needs and is choosing to live the way she is living. It doesn't help me to know this but at least it keeps me from feeling bitterness. I would like to resolve things and for us to be happy but it doesn't look likely. Failing that I really care for her and I don't want her to struggle and be homeless. I know she has not treated me well sometimes but I would like her to talk and be honest if she really doesn't love me instead of carrying on this emotionally draining relationship. Thanks for your advice it is welcome.
...............................
A
female
reader, AngelofLove +, writes (5 November 2009):
 Dear Guy619, the fact that your gf did not go to councelling what does that tell you? She or anybody has no the right to call abnormal for having feeling, I feel sorry for her. Being sensitive makes you human, regardless of your gender.
Seems to me that you tried to talk to her and avoided making the effort even to listen.
I believe that you already know what to do, what you need to come to terms with now is decide how and when.
It will be hard at first, but claiming your freedown and self respect back will then make you feel a new man!
Let me assure you that there is somebody out there that can make you happy and that can love you unconditionally. The longer you leave it, the longer you will be denying yourself real happiness.
Good luck, be strong and lots of hugs.
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (5 November 2009):
 Sorry Buddy, but you must like being her puppy dog or you would send her packing. She obviously isn't going to change. At least make her find her own place and see if money still means nothing to her.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2009): This is not a relationship at all, sorry, but that is the blunt truth. You have done everything you can to appease her, you can do no more. You have gone above and beyond what any man should do in the situation. To be honest this situation reaks of:- infidelity- you are her sugar daddyEither scenario it's not you she is interested in, but rather the life you provide for her. I would sit her down and tell her you have given her everything you could, and that still has been satisfactory to her, she is insatiable. You can no longer continue to burn the candle at both ends and be the ONLY one supporting your relationship both financially and emotionally.It's time for some tough love in my opinion. Tell her that if you want to spend how you do, save for the future, etc. That she is going to need to chip in, and at least if she isn't gonna chip in financially then she's gotta lay off the midnight dinners, etc. as she is being completely inconsiderate to your needs. She is using you and she will run you into the ground. She has a free meal ticket and she is gonna ride it for all it's worth. Don't let her do it, when she has no interest in you. If she was interested she would be concerned about your health.
...............................
A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (5 November 2009):
 "No man or woman is worth your tears… and the one who is won't make you cry."
~Eve~
...............................
A
male
reader, Guy619 +, writes (5 November 2009):
Guy619 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnelofLove, Thank you for your considered reply. one thing you said struck me. "If someone makes you cry, they are not worth your tears." I stopped when I read this. I am embarassed to even write this here but I have broken down so many times over this relationship in sheer frustration at trying to make her accept that I love her and that I would do anything to make her happy too. I spent a year of our relationship in counselling trying to understand why I felt so bad. I so wanted her to come too but she wouldn't and said she didn't need a shrink and that I was abnormal. She would get so angry if I dared to ask a question ofher or want to discuss something so we could work out a difference of opinion. If I ever tried to talk about sharing the workload or my feelings of love for her she would be so nasty with me and walk away and threaten to leave me - it would break me nearly every time and I would spend my journey to work in the morning in tears trying to work out what I was doing wrong. I managed to hold down my job but at the end of the day I would break down again.
I am stronger now and I have found strength by talking to the counsellor, re connecting with friends and family and by the advice I have received here. I am very greatful for you all in this site who have responded.
Still trying to find the best way. Last night I (for only the second time ever) suggested that it may make things a bit easier if she were able to find some work so thatwe could save up a deposit a bit faster. I also thought that we might have more quality time together becasue with both working we would arrange special things to do when not working. But she became silent and angry and then nasty. She told me already has a job which is her creativity and that it's not dependent on how much a person earns. In
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (5 November 2009):
People are used only because they allow themselves to be used. If you are not happy being her doormat then tell her to get her own place. Man up and show her the door or put up with her crap. Quite simple really.
...............................
A
male
reader, Guy619 +, writes (5 November 2009):
Guy619 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSatin Desire, Thank you for your response here. I know you are right inside but although you express your point very strongly I still keep giving her the benefit of the doubt.
She always says she doesn't care about money at all and derides people who get up every day and do a 'stupid job' they don't even like. She has expensive tastes in food and wine and likes to go to interesting places and the theatre etc. All this costs money and someone has to pay - but she just says that if one person has money and one doesn't then of course they both want to be together what does it matter who pays?
I am sitting here at home once again waiting for her with no idea where she is or what time she will come back - if at all. I feel I must deserve more than this. I wanted to go out tonight or at least spend good time together cooking or something. It's sadness to me that this relationship is like this. I don't know what happened. Maybe I was completely blind before. Maybe it's always been imbalanced.
Thank you again for you advice it is appreciated.
...............................
A
female
reader, AngelofLove +, writes (5 November 2009):
Agree with CaringGuy totally, your gf is being selfish and may not even realize it.
I feel for you, hope you have the courage to stand up to her and take action but she will not unless you take the next step.
Sit her down (when she not a tired mood) and explain that expecting you to work harder to get more money is not just up to you. There are 2 adults in a relationship, if she wants more money into the house, she needs to compromise working in a job she may not like as the rest of the world.
Do not spoil her, agree ground rules now or you will be taken for a ride for the rest of your life.
She behaves like that because you allow her to treat you like this. The classical emotional blackmail of getting angry to get her way, it is working so she knows what buttons to press!
If someone makes you cry, they are not worth your tears.
Relationship should be about love/respect/joy connection, it takes 2 to make it work, 1 working twice as hard to make the difference does not give you balance. If someone makes you miserable, what is the point. You can only trully love someone that mistreats you if you are a masoquist, I am sorry to say this. When we are in love, we hope that someone will change their attitue and love us back the same way. We feel that we can live without them because they are our life, well life sometimes is better enjoyed in peace, opening up to better, greater things. Sometimes it is not meant to be.
Give her the opportunity to respect you as an equal partner instead of a cash machine. If it does not work, you really need to consider finding someone that can make you happy.
Take care
...............................
A
male
reader, Guy619 +, writes (5 November 2009):
Guy619 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your response here. We have known each other for 9 years and been together for over 3. She says that her job is her art. I find I spend a lot of time waiting for her and She wil never let me know what she is doing, if she has arranged anything in the day for the evening with one of her friends. Thes result is that I come home and just wait to see when she turns up. I try ot text but sometimes like today, her phone is off, and I'm just waiting. I don't like to just go out becasue I don't like the idea of her waiting around if I haven't let her know. At least it gives a person time to arrange something if one knows the other is not around.
Thanks for your reply - it is appreciated.
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (5 November 2009):
How long have you known this woman? Because it sounds to me like she's really using you. I'm sorry to say that, but she's pushing you to the max that you can handle, then is never around and moans when you try to suggest anything. This isn't a life at all, it's just you working until you're exhausted while she swans around playing lady of the manor. You really need to consider this relationship, because it sounds like she's not making any effort at all. And what is it that she does all day?
...............................
|
