A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Why don't men realise they are being disrespectful when they use porn in a relationship? My ex just says I think it matters more how I treat you when we're together, I don't understand what he means because the way I see he's still in a relationship with me on paper. So how can a man be all gentleman like, treat you well then knock one off to someone else?
View related questions:
my ex, porn Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2013): I agree with your ex. How is he disrespecting you if you're not even present? And if no one else is present for that matter either?? Let's say he stops looking at porn. But he still imagines certain fantasies and enjoys them. Are you going to next say that he is disrespecting you by imagining or thinking certain thoughts? How will you know what he is thinking or when? He is also your EX so the relationship has ended and thus what he does is none of your business. You are not entitled to control who he has sex with let alone whether he watches porn or not!
A
male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (21 February 2013):
We dont "realize" it simply because we dont see it as being disrespectful. Our brains simply arent wired that way.
Look, there are two things I have learned from being on this site, and they are -
1) Women generally dont understand RJ, and most likely never will. They're just not wired that way.
2) Men generally dont understand a womans objection to porn watching. We're just not wired that way.
...............................
A
female
reader, HappyPlace +, writes (20 February 2013):
 The response from female Anonymous on the 18th February is absolutely spot on. Well done you for giving a brilliant and succinct answer. It's one of the best I've ever seen on this site.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2013): I think part of the problem is that the way most men think about porn is different from the way most women think about porn.When most men view porn, it's almost as if it uses a different part of their brain than the part they use with their girlfriends. For them there's the "physical release" type sexual stimulation, which is often about relieving frustration, getting a quick fix, even just relaxing themselves before going to sleep. it's on the level of a basic bodily function and porn helps with this. The sex they have with "real women" is a different story - it's a whole different type of satisfaction which is physical and emotionally satisfying as well. This seems obvious when you realise that most men consider it a good thing if pornography can make them climax in a matter of minutes, but ideally want sex with their girlfriend to last all night.To most men, when their girlfriends think watching porn is disrespectful, it seems as odd to them as their girlfriend thinking that popping out for a sandwich when he's hungry at lunch time is disrespectful because he didn't wait for her to come home and cook him a delicious three course meal. It's about fulfilling an immediate need not rejecting the ideal.Men also don't understand how porn makes women feel. They don't realise the extent to which women are judged on their bodies and sexuality. Men (unless they work as models) are used to being judged primarily on who they are and what they do and say, whereas for women, even after years of feminism, the media still basically gives the message that if a woman is not sexy and beautiful she is worthless. The typical porn actress body stares back at us from every billboard and magazine cover and (because very few women look like that) it gets into our brains and makes us feel undesirable for not living up to the ideal. And despite any open-mindedness we may have it's unsurprising that it twists the knife a bit more when you find out that your man who you thought loved and respected you for you (and probably does) is also getting off on these ideal women. It makes you feel like a failure because being "hot" and being able to please a man is considered a primary measure of success for women. Men often consider it to be the woman's problem or fault for being "too insecure" to deal with his natural sexual urges, but this conveniently ignores the fact that maybe women can no more help their natural insecurity and instinct to be upset when faced with a society that works this way, than men can fight their natural instincts. So men really are not being disrespectful when they view porn. But women do get upset about it and they shouldn't have to apologise for that.So it does seem like a bit of an unsolvable problem. But seeing as the human race hasn't dies out yet, it looks like men and women somehow do find ways to deal with it. The answer is always to try and find the right partner, and communicate well, and come up with a solution that works for you as a couple. It's not necessarily going to be the one that works for everyone else.Bottom line: it's OK to like porn. It's also OK not to like porn. But at the end of the day, whatever your opinion, you have to live in a world with a lot of people who are going to disagree with you. So deal with it.
...............................
A
female
reader, VenusFlowerBasket +, writes (17 February 2013):
I absolutely agree with you, it is totally disrespectful and most men, when caught out, know know well that their actions are disrespectful. People analyse this subject to bits, usually because the topic has cropped up in their own relationships and they need to rationalise the behaviour so they can avoid any pain it causes them. For example, the women who say things such as ...'they're not real women, it's normal, men are visual creatures' yada yada yada. Truth is they've been brainwashed into this thinking by men who use porn. Porn is disgusting. I've tried it and it made me feel wrong! My partner says the same thing. The people who say otherwise are those that use it and those with partners that use it and don't want to stop, so they have to justify it to stop the hurt it causes them.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2013): Im sorry buti just dont find a man watching porn to be disrespectful unless he's pressuring you into watching it? If he behaves like a gentleman to you I don't see the problem.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (16 February 2013):
 I don't see a man using porn to rub one out as disrespectful to his partner unless he's using it to AVOID being with his partner.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2013): I wanted to know why he thought that way, I feel like forgiving him, I just didn't understand his way of thinking. I meant at the time he was still in a relationship which meant I do not understand why he didn't think it had anything to do with me what he did when i wasn't there.
...............................
A
female
reader, Atsweet1 +, writes (16 February 2013):
 Lol the same reason women like me don't see it as a disrespect. It can be compared to a comedy to make you laugh. An action movie to thrill the inner gang-star or bad guy good guy. lets mention a thriller horror movie to scare you. Entertainment is for a purpose. Porn to satisfy lust sexual needs being unfulfilled or not satisfied to aid in self satisfaction. its possible high sex drive is the cause or dating a lo sex drive person or no one. find someone that doesn't dis but respects the no porn in a relationship which I don't know of people like this but I'm sure there's some out there.In my life i have been denied a lot of things like food love affection mirrors and respect. I do what I want like any body else If it bothers you I will do it but not in front of you. if you go snooping like Joe brown and them i would suggest they stay out my business. I will not be controlled about most things that I want to do that's why I don't live with no one.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 February 2013):
 Yes, it would help if you could elaborate. If he's your ex he's your ex, which means you are NOT in a relatiosnhip together, whether on paper, on rock or on scissors.
If your EX uses porn, ...that at most could be an issue for his current gf if he has one, but how do you fit in the picture at all ?
...............................
A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (16 February 2013):
You need to explain this further. He’s your ex, but you still think he’s in a relationship with you on paper? What does that mean? Are you married? The point is, he’s either an ex or he isn’t. IF he is, then you’ve got no right to complain whatever he does, regardless of your opinion on the use of pornography. If he is still in a relationship with you, then you need to tell him that you consider use of porn in a relationship disrespectful. Do stop generalising about what “men” do or don’t realise, don’t you think that’s equally as ridiculous as if a man wrote a post about what “women” don’t realise?
What would be disrespectful is a partner who, knowing your views on porn use within a relationship, continued to use it anyway.
I wish you all the very best.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2013): There seem to be two very different mindsets about "porn." There are the folks who internalize a partner using it an indictment of the relationship, and there are those who view it as partner's kink and sometimes even share in it.If "porn" usage by a partner bothers you, it most likely always will. Make clear to your partner that it is a hurtful issue and see if their commitment is such that they will give it up or otherwise modify their behavior. If they can't or won't you need to decide if you can accept it. If not, walk and find another who shares your views.I hate to trivialize sexual preference, but I think "porn" usage and preference is as intrinsic to who you are as whether you are attracted to the opposite or same sex. Can a gay person have children? Sure sometimes, but that is not their inclination or happy place. This is also the case for "porn" users.It's better to find someone who shares your views on "porn" than try to change their nature."Porn" has been in quotes for my entire answer since no two people will have the same definition. Are naked photos "porn?" How about movies where no penetration is shown? How about written erotica? What about"R" rated movies with minimal nudity?It is simply too hard to reach a consensus on what is or is not "porn".You will be happier in the long run finding someone who truly shares your definition.Good luck.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2013): its all fantasy. most of the time it isnt who the person is that matters, its what they are doing usually. and who ever is watching has their fantasy. i am a female and i watch porn and its the same with me, Idc who is in it, its what they are doing. i fantasize about my lover even while watching it. so he could be having a fantasy about you and what he would like to do with you while watching. everyone has their fantasy. and EVERY man tugs on themself lol. its just what they do. its just to relieve themselves or to have their fantasy in their head, and thats their personal time and only their business unless they want to include you in it. girls do it as well.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2013): I think what you need to remember is the fact that men don't look at the women in way that a woman would look at a man.
Men just see a body when they watch porn it's not personal or intimate to them, whereas women get more involved with someone, it matters what they look like and if you fin them attractive.
I it was another woman yes get angry but porn, there's no point because if you asked a man to describe the woman in the video he would just describe a stereotype hot woman.
You don't mention when he watches it though which makes a big diffidence, is he with you or are you apart? And does he tell you he watches it or ha he lied about it.
If he is watching with you around maybe he is trying to get you to watch it with him?
...............................
|
