A
female
age
30-35,
*inkerbell_babe
writes:I've caught my boyfriend for the second time looking at porn and masturbating over it. I hate the thought of my boyfriend looking at other naked girls on the internet and wanking off to them. Iv been seeing him for just over 2 years and its seriously starting to piss me off. I told him once before that it annoys me, as he had pictures of pornstars on his phone! So then i decided to put pictures of men on mine to show him how it made him feel. Then he said he wouldn't do it again cuz he didn't like the thought of naked men on my phone! But now I keep checking his internet history and he is STILL looking at friggin porn. I honestly feel like not having sex with him anymore cuz its making me insecure about myself. I don't even want to talk to him cuz of it. I dunno what to do :( its extrememly upsetting and depressing knowing all of this. And makes me very angry! Someone please give me advice on what to do :(
View related questions:
insecure, porn, the internet Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Tammy1205  +, writes (3 November 2010):
 Hi,
You have made it quite clear to your boyfriend that you disaprove of him watching porn. He has continued to watch porn, and in my opinion he is disrepecting you. If he cares enough about you, he will take your feelings into consideration. Love is about respect.
Also, I believe getting sexual pleasure out of another woman is cheating. Virtual or not, purposefully looking at another woman to make your heart race is cheating.
Demand respect from him, and if you dont receive it, move on and find it.
Hope I've helped!
A
female
reader, Tammy1205 +, writes (3 November 2010):
Hi,
You have made it quite clear to your boyfriend that you disaprove of him watching porn. He has continued to watch porn, and in my opinion he is disrepecting you. If he cares enough about you, he will take your feelings into consideration. Love is about respect.
Also, I believe getting sexual pleasure out of another woman is cheating. Virtual or not, purposefully looking at another woman to make your heart race is cheating.
Demand respect from him, and if you dont receive it, move on and find it.
Hope I've helped!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2010): It is a lie that all men look at porn or require it. It is also a lie that men desire variety and that women do not. Men do not require porn, nor do they need to go to hookers, cheat, or sit around masturbating.
As a woman you have the right to set YOUR criteria for what you are worth. You are in a position to set standards and have them met. If you want a man who is hardwired to monogamy, then you must find him. Do not settle for a pseudo monogamy or for anything or anyone who makes you feel less that you are. That, quite frankly is the precise opposite of what a relationship is meant to achieve between two people.
Most men who respond to women on this site concerning the issue of porn are... in the overwhelming majority.... porn users who want to fend of rejection over what they are doing... shove it down women's throats... and try to create the new 'normal'. But it isn't normal and it isn't healthy and all men don't do it.
I wish there was some sort of truth serum for the guys on this board giving advice in this regard. I'd like to know about their relationship status... eg., are they single? Being a single male without a girlfriend, some never married, etc.... telling the females out there to just face the fact that all guys are perverts... is just unhealthy.
Some guys have healthy sexual ideas. They may have 'seen' porn but are not 'users'. Big difference. There's no doubt that younger guys are curious. But there is a point whereby curiosity ends and it becomes nothing more than a lifestyle and entertainment.
You must remember that you can set your standards and you do not have to lower them or learn how to tolerate being made to feel badly by the sexual entertainment habits of unhealthy men.
Choose a good, strong, healthy one. Invest your energy in things and in people who build you up and make you happy and strong. Don't feel that you have to settle or resign yourself to the fact that it is hopeless to expect better. There is better... and you should keep your standards and not lower them.
Who knows... perhaps a guy may choose to be a better man because of the standards. Set them and keep them.
...............................
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (1 November 2010):
 The agless question of why is not gonna get answered. it's how you deal with it. Some of us feel it's normal so telling us it hurts someone makes NO sense..I guess TV is bad too? It's vapor!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2010): Watch it with him.
...............................
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (1 November 2010):
 But you are controlling. He likes to look at pornography, you don't like him to. You sneak and check up on him, and you come to dear cupid looking for people to help you to change him to the way you want. He is doing nothing wrong. You want him to change into something he is not (anti-porn)
This will not work. His looking at pornography is more important than whether he loves you, whether he treats you right. Your hatred of pornography is the most important thing in this relationship right now, and that's why you must let him go.
Don't worry, there are some men who do not look at pornography. You are young, keep looking, eventually you'll find a porn free man. There are also a lot of women who don't mind pornography, or can ignore it, or use it and enjoy it themselves. Your boyfriend will likewise, find a woman like that would suit him more.
You cannot change people, you can only change yourself. There is NO method on earth to FORCE a man to stop looking at pornography. If your partner has habits you will not, or cannot accept, the best thing to do, is to move on and find someone else.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2010): Why does he look at porn ? Isn't he happy with his sex life ? Does he want more sex than he gets ? Does he wish for something special that he's not getting ? Has he got special fantasies/fetishes that are not yours ?
Why does it bother you ? Does it make you feel inadequate (and why) ? Don't you think it's possible that — like most males — he would enjoy sexual variety but that he loves you enough to respect your desire for monogamy ?
Similarly, why does it bother him that you have hunks on your phone ?
It seems to be like you're both playing some kind of if-you-really-loved-me-you-would-understand and if-you-do-it-to-me-I'll-do-it-to-you-too sort of games and that you are both hiding behind jealousy, anger and frustration to avoid addressing the real issues.
If this relationship really means something to both of you stop playing games. Talk and be constructive.
...............................
A
female
reader, tinkerbell_babe +, writes (1 November 2010):
tinkerbell_babe is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks so much for all your advice and opinions, I will deffinately take them into consideration. I just dont know how to approach him, like what do I say to him?? :/ I dont want him thinking im being selfish and controling by telling him I dont want him looking at it. Cuz I know by saying that I looked at his internet history on his phone he will make sure he deletes it next time so i wont even know if he is looking at it or not. :(
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2010): Guys that say all men watch porn don't know all men. My partner is perfectly happy without it in his life because we have so much fun together there is no need to masterbate to something false when he can get the real thing.
Saying that-finding a guy like that takes time but you do just have to find someone who is more compatible. You are still young and I'm gussing your bf is similar age. We all change as we get out of our teens so if your personalities are altering you will no longer be as compatible as you were 2 yrs ago.
If I were in your situation I would just leave-you've asked him more than once and he hasn't respected your wishes. But only you know what you truly want and hopefully you can get something from the repsonses on here.
Good Luck
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (1 November 2010):
 It's a lie that all men look at porn and that you have to just accept it. That's almost the same as saying "All men go to prostitutes and you have to just accept it". If prostitution were free, you bet your life that eventually, a group of weak men would try to convince their partners that they *need* the protitutes.
Porn is an addiction. Some guys have seen it and it bores them to tears. Others view it once in awhile. Others use it when they're single and are between girlfriends, and others are so caught in its grip that rather than clear it out of their lives, they let it interfere with their real relationships.
Because of this oversaturated and oversexed culture with free hardcore porn inundating the internet, no wonder so many guys get caught up in it. I fear the day when women will actually allow themselves to be convinced that they must put up with it when they are uncomfortable with men using other women's images to get off with.
Tinkerbell, you need to find a guy whose views on porn are more compatible with your own. They are getting more rare, because our society is trying to program them that porn is an inevitable and essential part of life, but they do, in fact, exist.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2010): No matter how many times we try and tell you that pron is not a judgement, you never effing listen, do you girls?
You are fighting a losing battle. You will NEVER get a guy to stop watching porn. The best you can hope for is for him to learn how to hide it better.
If he had being watching it properly, he'd know how to erase his internet history, know how to password-lock and encode his porn folder AND keep it hidden.
That he doesn't know this is just crude. A guy watches porn and the first thing he needs to know is how to keep such a private act private.
Flynn 24
...............................
A
male
reader, soon567 +, writes (1 November 2010):
I believe if someone totally respect you and your relationship getting rid of porn shouldn't be a problem. I don't think jerky doesn't take your feeling into consideration. It'll get worst and when he gets bored with you he be fucking himself regularly.
...............................
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (1 November 2010):
Here, try this link, good conversation going on regarding pornography issue.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/why-is-there-no-middle-ground-when-it.html
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/hes-watching-porn-am-i.html
...............................
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (1 November 2010):
End the relationship. Your guy will not stop looking at pornography and you do not like it, it is ruining your sex life.
This relationship cannot work.
...............................
A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (1 November 2010):
 If you are 16-17, then welcome to the battle you'll be fighting for the rest of your relationship life. Guys love porn... that is just how it is. You won't find many guys willing to give up their "private time" completely. Like Jmtmj says, you'll find endless women on this website complaining about this very issue. Look it up - you might find some solutions.
The best thing you can do is to talk to him about it, tell him how you feel. He will or he won't give it up, and you'll have to just make the decision as to whether or not you can put up with the habit and find ways to be more confident and comfortable with yourself if he won't. Porn is just a visual and is just material for the brain to help to orgasm. Unless your boyfriend has a severe taste for porn, he doesn't want to date the girl. He doesn't even care about her! He is just looking at some boobs and getting into the state of mind for orgasm.
Trust me, he loves every bit about you. Sex with you will always be the greatest!! But blowing off some sexual tension and energy when you're not around to help can be such a relief to him... the porn is just a tool used to help the process along.
I wish you luck, sweet thing. It's a big challenge that lots of couples face. If you can't deal with it, move on and find someone who shares your sentiment. They are few and far between, but there ARE guys out there who just aren't into porn! Good luck!
...............................
A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (1 November 2010):
 There's not really a lot you can do. If he feels you're trying to control him he may just be more secretive about it, (for some women the lying and deception can be worse). Try to call him on it by showing him the internet history and he'll get angry at your snooping. You've expressed that it hurts you and he still does it- not a great sign that you can get him to change his habit...
But there are many MANY posts on this site from women who feel the exact same way as you- type porn into the keyword search bar, (on this site... not google!). You'll find some interesting ideas, strategies and opinions but at the end of the day the best solutions are still either to learn to tolerate it, compromise with him or leave him.
Best of luck aye :)
...............................
A
male
reader, MikeEa1 +, writes (1 November 2010):
 most guys have got to have a bit of porn. but he should be discreet about it and it shouldn't take up too much of his time, say once a week maybe. he may need a bit of a heads up about it but don't make him totally go without.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2010): Sorry hun, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but there is nothing you can do to make him stop this once it becomes a habit. It will only make you more angry if he says he will stop doing it (to pacify you) and then do it behind your back and basically lie about it. The only thing you have the power to do is change yourself (this applies to everything in life). You should ask yourself....if he continues to view porn and lie about it, will I be a happy person or will this wreck my ability to be happy in a relationship with him? If you are going to be unhappy, it would probably be best to leave before fighting with him over this drives you apart anyways. I do think it's very hard to find a boy your age that doesn't watch porn...unfortunately it's very pervasive and invasive when it comes to relationships. Men just don't see it the same way as women. They don't think it is anything their woman should concern themselves with. It's doesn't reflect on any dissatisfaction with their girlfriends....its just a spectator sport to them. Remember, there are naked men in those videos also..men just like to watch others have sex :( And once they start watching, it's hard for them to stop.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2010): Talk to him. There's only one person who can tell you why he does it, it could be an addiction.
Be honest and open with him, let him know it makes you feel insecure and hurt, if he knows you're going to get very upset or hurt he may not want to talk about it, or if his ashamed he may not want to talk about it, let him know you want to work this out and aren't judging him, just confused and frustrated.
IMO if he actually cares about you he'll understand eventually, you might need to bring it up and let him come to you in his own time.
...............................
|
