A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my boyfriend for just over a year and things are really good. We've discussed where we see our relationship going and we both agree on marriage in the short term future (say next 4 years). We've also talked about living together and that happening in the next year or so. At the moment I live with my parents and he doesn't come over much as my dad's kind of antisocial and my parent's aren't very fluent in english. I go to his place most of the time but I never sleep over.I've read many questions on here about women living with their boyfriends and then waiting for marriage which never comes, the 'why buy the cow when the milk is free' dilemma.So, is it a really bad idea to live together when there is no engagement or marriage planned very soon?
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2010): Its great living together before marriage as you get to know your partner so much better. Its not all easy going and of course there are times when you'll disagree or argue but thats just natural as you are getting used to each other.
Plus, if you wait until after marriage and find that actually-you two don't get along so great. It would be harder to separate as you've already committed.
Good luck in the future
A
male
reader, The Realist +, writes (1 November 2010):
 I don't agree with the notion that living with someone prior to marriage increases your chances for divorce at all. It's good for people to see what their lives will be like when they get married so moving in together sounds like a good plan to me if you have the money and are ready to take care of yourselfs. Also keep marriage talk in your lives and if he truely loves you he'll marry you when the time is right. I think that some girls expect marriage too soon after moving in with the guy and he really isn't ready for it. I'm sure you two will do fine together.
Personally I don't think I could marry a girl before living with her or at least having my own place where she can stay over at times just to see how two people interact with day to day life. I just don't see going straight from your parents home to a marriage, it may be too much all at once.
Best wishes to both of you living together.
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A
male
reader, Odds  +, writes (1 November 2010):
 Well, cohabiting prior to marriage does increase the chances for divorce, but the chances are already so high in general in Canada and the U.S. that it doesn't make significant difference. I've never seen any data suggesting cohabiting reduces the chance to get married in the first place, though.
If you think you can avoid ending up on the wrong end of the stats, by all means, move in with him and enjoy it. And don't get so hung up on marriage that you miss the more immediate joy of a decent relationship. There's no rush.
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (1 November 2010):
 There'll always be different opinions on that idea. Whether for religious reasons or not, I imagine that first living together after marriage would make the whole experience more exciting and special. The wedding wouldn't be so much about the signing of a paper to make things official,(after 3 years living together- it could certainly seem that way to some.) It'd seem more symbolic, maybe even more romantic... but in a way, that could be partly because you'd be cramming two major life events into one. Living together and marriage in one day. BAM!
Then again, people can be very different when you wake up to them every day. You're not just seeing the painted side of the fence- you're seeing the dodgy side too... imperfections and all... everyday... If you have pet peeves or believe that "its the little things that matter" then over time these things can place strain on even very strong relationships, some unfortunately break down.
Being married before you live together can make it much trickier to even consider leaving someone who you may realize after living together- just isn't the person you thought they were or envisioned spending the rest of your life with...
Each has its pro's and con's, the "why buy the cow when the milk is free" idea being one of them. But you have to wonder how many of the guys who women complain about for that very reason, would actually have married them regardless of whether they lived together or not... I imagine that living together could perhaps soften the urgency of getting married- but I like to believe that if you're both truly in love then the whole "cow thing" just doesn't make a difference and you'll wind up married either way.
On a personal note- my sister who is christian married 11 years ago and didn't live with her fella' first. Two kids later and they just got divorced last month... the reasons? The little things... him being messy, not helping with chores, playing too many computer games, etc. All of these things that after living together first may have helped her realize their incompatibilities before making such a big commitment. Food for thought.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (1 November 2010):
 The problem people tend to ignore when they discuss marriage is, they merely think about the emotional factors or the intimacy or just planning of it all. You need to consider whether or not you have known this man long enough, he needs to consider whether or not he knows you. You have been together for little over a year, have you known each other for longer?
To you and to all other women with the same dilemma I offer you my advice: Marriage is a sacred bond and should be entered into and treated with the utter most respect. You cannot rush these things nor can you force it. If you love someone, if there is any chance at all, you would have entered an emotional marriage anyway whether you like it or not. He would already be treating you as if you were his wife and if he is not, marriage is not the best idea.
By all means move in with him and be with him to get a glimpse of what your real relationship is like and then, when you know for sure that there is enough love, get married and see that all that has changed is his promise. Your relationship should already be like a marriage.
I hope that helps.
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A
female
reader, kirra07 +, writes (1 November 2010):
You should be able to know whether your bf is serious about a future and wants to get married. That said, there probably are those that would say one thing (that they will get married), but never go through with it.
I personally think that living together before getting engaged and married is a great idea. It's a trial run for the real thing. It gives you time to adapt, to get to know each other intimately and sort through any problems that come up. Because it's a whole different ballgame between dating and seeing each occasionally and living with your partner's dirty dishes and laundry thrown around the house.
If you're with someone that cares about you, it shouldn't matter that they get the milk already. If they know that getting married is important to you, they'll do it anyway. I think that the women waiting for their boyfriends has more to do with the particular boyfriends than living together.
Remember that the wedding isn't where it ends. After the wedding is the whole life together. So starting it with getting the guy to "buy the cow" isn't a great start. You don't have to hold back things in order to get him to get married in order to get those things.
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