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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid ,I just caught my boyfriend masterbating I feel like if he has betrayed me. I ask him if he doesnt like our sex but he answers that he does. So why does he do it. It makes me feel like i dont mean nothing to him. do you think that its because he is not satisfied? I was at the point of making our relationship end. What should I do? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Candycane1234  +, writes (4 May 2012):
 If I am correct are you saying he was masturbating to porn? I don't get it either I just can't see why they wouldn't masturbate over their partner and use porn that looks like them.
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female
reader, Cupcake75  +, writes (28 January 2012):
I know ho you feel. Try to be reasonable, I am sure your partner has many other qualities that make the relationship worth fighting for. I have a very high sex drive and have never refused him sex. He will wait until I go to bed and wank. The fact that his preference is the porn and not me is the problem. I wouldn't mind if it was every now and then, but we can go a week without going to bed together. In the end, I figure if you can't beat em, join em. I masturbate myself and have told him that if I am not satisfied, I will get it elsewhere. It is only a penis afterall. I love him and the relationship isn't worth breaking up over this.
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female
reader, torngirl +, writes (11 November 2009):
Perhaps throwing a spanner in the works here....I'm fine with my boyfriend masturbating when I'm not there - if I was I'd feel rejected though if I'm honest.
...I'm not fine if he's thinking of someone else when he's masturbating tho! He's picking them over me then :(
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2009): My current BF explained it like this to me: "You're not around all of the time and sometimes I get an urge or need a release." He looks at porn online. This used to REALLY bother me until the day I realized that he can't touch them, taste them or smell them...he doesn't want THEM...he wants me! He has always told me that "if you're here I prefer you over my own hand" I don't worry over it any more! I've never turned him down for sex and the sex we have is fantastic. Sometimes he will masturbate before I get home on nights before we have sex so he can last longer with be because he feels that if he lasts only a few minutes then I'm not satisfied. He could be sleeping with another woman which isn't what you want...let your guy be on this issue. I did!
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2009): honestly he might be doing it to last longer with you. A lot of guys do that, they are afraid of getting off to fast, and therefore masturbate before sex or often during a relationship. No worries tho. no betrayal
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2009): I'm sorry if this sounds rude and insensitive, but you're overreacting and being stupid. Everyone likes to get off, and even if you are having sex, it doesn't mean you want to stop masturbating. It doesn't mean that he finds you unappealing in any way or that your sex is unsatisfactory. He most likely just likes to masturbate, as lots of people do. It's healthy for men and women to masturbate; it makes people happier and relieves stress. If you end your relationship because you're insecure about the amount of sexual pleasure you're giving your boyfriend, than you will be a complete idiot and he will move on to a girl who understands that masturbation is a natural thing to occur and is actually confident.
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female
reader, iAshiee +, writes (31 December 2008):
I understand how you feel. Before following any advice, know this: just because you feel that him looking at porn is wrong, and others tell you it's okay, that doesn't mean you should automatically assume you're just being stupid, or that you're over reacting. How you feel about this is YOUR choice. What I'm about to tell you is just my own personal take on your situation. Whether you decide to follow it or not is strictly up to you. (:Now, like I said, I understand how you feel. When I first found out my boyfriend was looking at porn, I was very hurt. I've struggled with low self-esteem for awhile now, and knowing that he got off to other woman (who I viewed to be much better looking than myself) it really hurt me. We fought about it more than once after that (and have slightly bickered about it to this day) but I've come to realize that no matter how much we woman gripe and complain, things are NEVER going to change. While I still hate knowing he looks at other woman naked, I've learned to deal with it. Why? Because I realized I'm being a total hypocrite. When I asked my boyfriend why he looked at it as much as he did, one of his reasons (or excuses, however you choose to look at it) was, "I don't always look at it to get off. Sometimes, I just look at it because I'm bored. So I can get an idea of what to look at when I DO need to get off". At first, I was offended (as if I wasn't already offended to start with, haha) but then I realized I've done it too. I didn't look for pictures as a means to get off, persay, but because I was bored. Have you ever found yourself looking at certain things just because you were bored?We women feel that when our men look at other woman, whether they are naked, half naked, or in skimpy clothing, we feel as if they are preferring them. I don't think this is technically true. Don't WE find other men attractive? Don't WE find ourselves doing a double take or a stare at that hot guy that just walked past us? It's in our human nature to look. It may not please the person we are with, but as long as no touching in involved, there is no harm being done. Unless he starts to stay out late or you find himself getting closer to another female, I wouldn't start to worry.If your boyfriend would much rather sit and watch porn than have sex with you, then obviously something is wrong. But if he's still complimenting you, being close with you, and still having sex, then there's nothing to worry about.We may never really be able to fully understand or accept the things that men do, but we can't solve the problem by bitching at them. Try telling him that while you understand that sometimes he just needs to pleasure himself, it does hurt you, and if he's going to do it, please try to hide it better.I'm sure you are very pretty, and it's obvious he loves you. Otherwise, he wouldn't be with you. While guys do get bored easier in relationships, be it with sex, the girl, or the relationship as a whole, if they were honestly bored enough, they WOULD leave.Cheer up, dear. Life is too short to waste it sitting here, worrying over one man. If he can't love and appreciate you, someone else will. (:
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 September 2008): I had this same problem with my boyfriend. I almost broke up with him over it too! He's a great guy in every other way, but in my particular situation it used to piss me off because I wanted it more than he did, and I found it rude that I would catch him doing it. I used to think, "why can't he do it when I'm not home?" He may have done that too, I don't know. I also think he did it with magazines, so I'd love to hear a man's opinion about that one. I'm pretty sexy, so that really would piss me off if I was right. If he enjoys sex with you and isn't pushing you away, then don't let it bother you. If he prefers his hand to you, then I would say........Sinara....You can do better! Good luck.
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male
reader, Bladejunkee +, writes (19 September 2008):
 Masturbation can relieve up to 86% of stress, about 8% more than actual sex, maybe he's stressed, ask, he may just do it because he's been doing it for a longer amount of time than having actual sex, and he's used to it. Maybe you should masturbate together, he may be more willing to have sex once he sees you masturbate, and to do it with him could boost the stress reduction by around .9% and that would mean he'd be more happy.
Your reviewer
Bladejunkee
Post Script= if this helped anyone,
feel free to message me.
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female
reader, rorschach +, writes (20 August 2008):
 he isnt betraying you by masturbating honey, he just finds it enjoyable most likely, is it a crime for him to enjoy you and masturbation? lots of people masturbate young and old single or comitted, that dosent mean he dosent love you plus that would be just about the stupidest reason to break up with a man. he's a guy lots of guys do it. and you shouldnt be dictating when he can have pleasure and when he cannot, its not your choice! lol plus he's probably thinking about you my dear,, havent you ever thought that? it could be alot worse :]
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2008): Ok, first of all: 90% of these answers have missed the point.So, you are being a bit of an Orgasm Nazi. See, guys and girls masturbate a lot, it's a natural human thing. I have a wonderful boyfriend who I love very much and we have sex regularly, and I still masturbate from time to time and I'm sure he does too. It doesn't mean I don't enjoy the sex, it just means that, although I love having sex with him, I need 'me' time as well.It's not a big deal at all, you are over-reacting. Your bf masterbating is not a sign of him not enjoying the sex with you, it's just a normal thing people do and there is nothing wrong with it. He just wanted some 'him' time. Don't break up with him over this.
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female
reader, PsyCookie +, writes (20 August 2008):
 There are worse things a guy could do to you and you want to dump him for masturbating?
Sure, he may cheat on you with another woman, treat you like crap, and take all your money, but putting his hands on his penis and jacking off is so much worse than the other things listed before. Yes, sure, dump him.
Good luck find a man who's hand is loyal to you.
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female
reader, desirewhitefire  +, writes (20 August 2008):
 Let it go. This is probably the dumbest thing your going to argue about with him. You won't win, and you sound like some kind of pleasure warden. Who are you to tell him when he can have pleasure? His only outlet for sexual release is through you? That's unfair. He's a man, he's going to want to masturbate. And if you don't get over this insecurity of yours, he's going to laugh at you, leave you, and then tell all his friends he left you because you were an orgasm Nazi. Really, it's not that big of a deal.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2008): I like a great steak. I like it much better than a hamburger. But that doesn't mean I'm changing my whole opinion about this whenever I eat a hamburger. Face it, your BF has been with his penis a lot longer than he's been with you. They've got a long-term relationship too. Most people would say that it really shouldn't threaten you like this. A couple billion men on earth jack off all the time, and yet they still always seem to pursue sex with women like crazy.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2008): Sounds to me like cheating or worse, if he prefers his hand to your body, then you better move on and find someone who wants you and only you, and who obviously finds you better than his hand!
Break up with this pathetic bf and get a man who appreciates you and treats you like his queen, and who'd be dreaming of the moment 'you allow him' to have sex with you.
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male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (20 August 2008):
 It is absolutely normal that most everyone masturbates from time to time. Don't you? Be honest.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2008): Dear Poster
You might not like this, but I have to give you my honest opinion to try and help you;
Masturbation IS NOT something that means that sex with your partner is not as good as it should be.
Many partners have great sexual experiences when masturbation is engaged in prior or during sexual intercourse;
There are many myths about masturbation; all of them untrue;
I suggest, your attitude should be open towards it; it should not be secretive or leave the partner with feelings of guilt.
Many people think of masturbation as unnatural and disgusting; then they are unsympathetic to the view of people that might continue to do it even though they have sexual partners;
BUT
differences and opinions regarding this, needs to be discussed openly and lovingly between the partners; most of these feelings can be ironed out by open honest COMMUNICATION and good UNDERSTANDING between the partners.
Best wishes and lots of SMILES.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2008): If you leave every guy who masturbates then you will be a very lonely woman because you aren't ever likely to have any boyfriend. Us guys all do it and so do most women. I used to do it even though I had and still have a great wife who likes sex a lot. However, she never did like to have sex 4 times a day, so I did it for sexual relief when I was horny and I knew that she wouldn't want sex at the time. You know, like when I would wake up at 4 am horny and have to go to work at 5 am. Sometimes there just isn't the time for sex when us guys are horny. It really does relieve stress a lot.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2008): I agree with you Sister Sue... I know that my advice is much more different from the others, but I feel it is a form of betrayl. Talk to him, and tell him how it hurt you and made you feel. Perhaps this is something the two of you can work out. I hope it is. Best of Luck Sister!!
~~The GabberJack
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (19 August 2008):
 Sometimes we need to learn to be a little forgiving. I know it feels like he doesn't find pleasure in you, but I'm pretty sure that's not the case. Perhaps he wants sex more often than you do, and this is his way to release his tension? Or perhaps he was feeling particularly in the mood at this moment, and thought his demanding "too much" sex would not be OK?
I don't think this is enough to end a relationship.
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male
reader, The Gentle Man +, writes (19 August 2008):
 Well for men especially its a lose-lose situation. If a guy chases a woman for sex hes only interested in that, if a guy masterbates then he is guilty of betrayal.
See what im getting at ?
Either he can masterbate or hassle you all the time.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2008): http://www.dearcupid.org/question/how-could-he-hurt-me-by-watching-pornography.html
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male
reader, kenny +, writes (19 August 2008):
 Masturbation is not just for the single, it is something a vast majority of the population do whether they are in a relationship or not. He has already said that he is happy with your sex life, surely him masturbating to himself is better than him going somewhere else to get it. Why don't you bring in maturbation techniques into your sex life, then maybe he won't feel he has got to do it somewhere alone.
All the best x
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female
reader, Umari Solanthus +, writes (19 August 2008):
 Masturbation is a common practice, whether you are married, single or with a partner. It is perfectly normal and not something you should feel betrayed over.Masturbation isn't used as a replacement for sex. It does not mean that he does not enjoy it--it is likely that he does, and you should not feel like you don't mean anything to him. He hasn't done anything wrong.It doesn't mean that he's not satisfied, either. Masturbation can be used for stress relief and to combat things such as depression. It heightens your mood and makes you feel good, physically and mentally (though I say this from my own experience, not through any scientific research).Just try to understand that he likes to enjoy masturbation. He doesn't intend it to make you feel bad--he just wanted some time to pleasure himself for a change and make himself feel good for a while. I'm sure he didn't intend to make you worry.Try talking it over with him if you feel that way. I know it's a bit of an odd subject to discuss, but if it makes you worry then you should talk about it. Express how it made you feel, I'm sure he'll understand. However, you must also understand why he does it, and that it is not intended to make you feel bad.
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reader, aphexinfinite +, writes (19 August 2008):
 youre being a bit shelfish here..im not being mean..but what do you think he did before he met you!!! masturbating is a healthy thing for men and women do..so just calm yourself and get these foolish ideas out of your head.. maybe you should try masturbating yourself or masturbate together but he is far from betraying you...and yes he is satisfied with you but sometimes its nice for a change to play with yourself hell the better part of the population from 12 upwards masturbate some even younger! hell even married couples masturbate its like a part of life! but you denying him to masturbate is like denying him the right to breath without you...so come on act like an adult and not like someone who feels like their life is going down the tube because sweety their is a hell of alot worse going on in the world and this doesnt even excist on it !!! good luck aphex xx
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