A
male
age
36-40,
*rmks909
writes:I have had this situation happen with me with most of my serious ex-girlfriends.... One of us will break up with the other, but we will still remain in contact for the one of the usual reasons (still like/love one another, aren't finding anyone else in the moment, don't want to be alone, et. al.). During late night conversations that usual wind-up becoming confessions of missing and/or still loving the other, it somehow gets turned on the topic of fond memories and if we should get back together. They always say "I still love you, but I can't" or something to that effect.After a while of doing the miss/love dance, or they just start treating me like a second class citizen, I get tired of it and decide to move on. Like clockwork every time, when I completely cut them out of my life, they all come back within a fews day, talking about how they made a mistake, they do love me, and want nothing more than to be with me.Now the exact specifics of the timing of the call depends on if they are with someone else, how bad our break-up was, what their friends are saying about me, how much of an ass I (or they) were during and post-break up... but that doesn't really explain it to me.The thing with me is that when I start to really care about a woman, I stop playing the mind games. Not to say that I give up and become some boring complacent male (its just not in me to be that way), but rather that it becomes more about the adventure with her than the mind-games (which doesn't mean I am running around screwing with women's heads or anything to that effect).My issue is that once I get to that give-up point, the fact that it takes me cutting her off and saying "goodbye forever" until they have their come to jesus moment. It pisses me off because that is indicative to me that she really isn't interested in me any longer (or ever truly was), but rather was only because I was becoming a challenge once again, that once the prospect of losing me for good was placed on the table only then did they decide to act (can't see it until it's gone theory), and in all but one case have declined their renewed advance. My questions are the following:1) Am i viewing this reassertion of emotional and physical intent incorrectly? When I am with someone in a serious relationship is it really that unreasonable to not want to deal with people who can only figure it out once I'm gone or having to break up in the first place?2) Is it "just me" or is this something that just happens with everyone? I am not trying to be pompous by saying this, but I would say about 85% of all of the women I have dated for at least three months tell me they were falling in love/ were already in love with me. Most of my guy friends have had only one or two real love interests in their life (usually one high school or college sweetheart and one post-school) that wanted to be that serious and told them they loved them. I feel like it is purely the opposite with me, even though love is generally seen as the exception to the rule, no?In the end, I have gotten to the point at which I still love being with women, but having so many people say it to me makes me really question something that I was told by society at large was something very special and even rare, especially in retrospect to what started this whole message.Just a little background, I tried thinking it was I was attracting the same woman over and over. However, that just really isn't the case I have dated women from all over the female spectrum, so I have ruled that out (in case someone was thinking that).Any thoughts or advice on the matter would be greatly appreciated, and am admittedly most curious to hear from women on this one.... Thanks...
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male
reader, whatsTrueLove? +, writes (30 May 2008):
This question really is amazing...and unfortunately I was stupid enough to get caught by it...I thought i could have my cake and eat it at the same time. All she wanted to do was love me and be with me, but me being as young as I am, and not knowing what i truly had wanted to "experience." Stupid, stupid mistake. She finally found someone who appreciated her, and now months later, i'm still sitting at home by myself, wanting her to come back. Like the other posters, I think its true, "you want what you can't have" and "you don't know what you got til its gone." I heard this on a song, he says, "a bell ain't a bell til you ring it, a song ain't a song til you sing it, but love aint love till you give it away." With the analogy of the house, i think in my situation, we had a wonderful foundation, walls, heating unit, and roof, I was just too stupid to appreciate my house, and was looking at apartments elsewhere (haha my analogies are terrible) And now that our house is essentially destroyed, i've got no where to live.Please come back baby...
A
male
reader, Drmks909 +, writes (29 May 2008):
Drmks909 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI would like to thank everyone for their responses, they have both insightful and a delight to read.... Keep them coming!
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A
female
reader, Arcada  +, writes (29 May 2008):
Wow this question is amazing.......!!!!This form of human nature, at times amuses me, it scares me and it saddens me, but it never shocks me!!!I will till you 2 stories.........A friend of mine was with her ex for about 18 months when she discoverd that she was "with child". It was valentines when she told him.He said," If you dont get rid it's over!"She kept the baby alone, he wasn't there at the birth, he never gave her any money. When the baby came he took a small interest He sponged off my friend and even kipped on her sofa when he had nowhere else to go!For 18 months he harped on about going to Ausrtalia. Saving up every penny to hitch hike across ausie land. Giving my friend nothing!She adored him and everyone was saying how "she must be nuts!..... I would never do that!" ("But we do!!)So he goes to aussie after treating my mate like crap for 18 months!After a few months she meets someone and falls in love.Guess what happens next?????????...............Thats right, the ex finds out!He calls me, crying like a baby. " But I love her, I want her back!!"""How could she do this?!?!)WHAT THE F**K?????!!!!The second story........My brother was dating a girl for 3.5 years. He started going out with his friends all the time. Letting her down all the time and cheating!!I was gutted, I really got on with her, all the family did......So he left her, their house,(they had a mortagage)....For 6 months he screwed around, shagging her when he felt like it.Blowing hot, then cold.She moped around, letting him treat her like shit.We all said," Is she nuts??","We would never do that", (But we would).Finally she moves on. She arranges a date with a fella and...... GUESS WHAT??????He finds out......He calls me crying like a baby, "I love her, I want her back..... BLAGH BLAGH BLAGH!!!WHAT THE F**K?!?!?!
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A
female
reader, pepper27 +, writes (28 May 2008):
 Hi Hunny
Im looking on this from the veiw point of someone I no and at the moment is going through a bad time with an ex..He sat with me and told me she wont stop ringing me she says she has something to say and when I ask her what she says she doesnt no..She drove me crazy with her obsessive behaviour (excuse any bad spelling you get my drift) When we were alone she would sit quietly and when I asked if she was alright she would say just thinking "about what love" Oh it doesnt matter! That did my head in as she complained we didnt spend enough time together and when we were together she was always quiet she always needed attention...And when I went out I would get 10 calls in one night telling me she was lonely and could I go and talk with her before I went home, So I did and she didnt have anything to say all quiet again...Its been nearly 2yrs we have split up more than twice and everytime I just cant take anymore she phones and wants to sort things out, But this time I have nothing to say as I am so unhappy she is so selfish and Ive tryed but it makes me so unhappy....Then the other side " All I wanted to do was love him he is scared of commitment scared of being hurt Ive told him I wont hurt him but he doesnt belive me. He loves me I no he does Im going to get him back, I went missing last night I expected him to come and look for me but he didnt I dont no what to do? Im just going to go to his house in a few weeks and knock on his door!!!!
The womens little conversation told me she was playing games trying to scare him into meeting her by going missing and even though they had talked she was not understanding his point of view even though he was nice at first it then got into a row again..The guy who was really down said Ive tryed everything but I have nothing to say anymore as Ive tryed and Ive run out of opptions....
Game playing to me is not right, If you are interested in a person be yourself at the very beginning its the very person that they find attractive and you no right from the start where you stand, If you all of a sudden change after a few months and settle in and stop with the game playing of trying to keep someone interested by whatever means possible then they get the wrong idea and think the person they first met was the real you and the person they are now with has changed and maybe no longer feels the same way so it may put that person off by pushing them away for fear of getting hurt, Even though they care for you they are protecting themselves...
The amount of times Ive heard after we split we still spoke and we always remembered the good times but it was the right thing to do under the circumstanses as when we were together we didnt see eye to eye, But we have met up for sex does this mean he wants me back...But as soon as one of the ex couple moved on and started dating again is when the other realised what they had let go of, Its like a pattern you get the obsessive who wont let go even though they really dont want to be with that person but they dont want anyone else to be with them either...You get the hurt and painfull experiences of the people you care about who have been treated badly but still want to go back for more as obviously she/he will change as they love each other...And Ive even seen the really bad side to a breakup when one of the couple will do anything to get into the others head when they just want to be left to heal, As far as going and making up fake profiles and talking on line to the said ex as someone else to find out how the person is dealing with life...Thats a well screwed up person if you ask me hunny...Relationships to me are trust friendship and love being able to talk is most important about anything giving your support when things in that persons life are not going to well and also a little space to allow them to get there head around certain situations...You cant always agree as everyone is different but understanding that to disagree isnt a bad thing, Is good..Understanding that the opposite sex are very different and have different ways of expressing themselves popping yourself in the other persons shoes for a moment can help you understand a situation so much better..And to remember at the end of the day we are all human and we are not perfect that at times we all make mistakes.....I hope this was a little of what you wanted hunny, Everyone is so different you will never get two relationships the same....we are all unique even though the problems may seem the same sometimes...That is the differences within the sexes I belive.. Anyway Ive babbled for long enough...If this is not what you wanted Im so sorry I just go off on my own little adventure sometimes...TAKE CARE OF YOU SWEETHEART WITH LOVE N HUGS MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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A
male
reader, a-g55 +, writes (28 May 2008):
 Looking back and analysing your past relationships involves you to take the birds eye perspective. Then you realise that “you don’t know what you have got until its gone” Truth is that its just not a natural phenomena for two humans to have what we call a relationship. So that means its down to management and people skills.Most people don’t possess these skills. They let their emotions drive their decisions and actions straight from the first time they meet a girl. This usually mean people jump straight into relationships within a couple of months of meeting them. You suddenly adopt unwritten rules similar to those that are in marriage. Eg. You must love and cherish for better or for worse. Trouble is because you’ve jumped strait into a relationship you may not be on the same wavelength and one person might feel they have to do certain things and that can end up in one side of the relationship crossing into their personal space. Your used to learning more about people whilst trying to maintain a relationship. Suddenly there are conflicts like the competition. The fact that u like her so much you don’t want to loose her which creates a fear of loosing her which is portrayed in body language and what you say. This can be on either part. Its negative. A relationship can be simplified into a model. There can be more complex relationship models than this but there is no better way to describe a relationship in the metaphor of a house!A house has 3 main components. Foundations, walls and a roof. If we imagine sex being the roof and walls being security then that leaves foundations. What might foundations symbolise? Foundations is the time you have spent getting to know and understand a person and their core values. This can take as little or as much time as you like. It could mean that you still have sex and make physical contact like kissing and holding hands. But you still give each other space and you respect each others freedom. If she does want to go out clubbing with her friends. Yes she might have a one night stand but who cares your both free. Your basically friends with benefits. Now a lot of people do still ask “will you go out with me” and they do have sit down chats where you express that you like each other and you should take it to the next level but that is where it all goes wrong. Your basically building your house upon the sand. The walls shouldn’t be erected! They should be built with blocks upon strong foundations. Until you form a solid structure that is built to last. Here is a thought for you. Lets add the metaphor of central heating in there and we will call it emotions. What you feel for each other and how relaxed you feel about each other and your well being in the relationship and many more. When you have a strong foundations and no walls you feel relaxed and free to act how u like about each other. And everything is positive and the heat can escape but it doesn’t. it naturally stays within your site perimeter. Without the use of walls. If you suddenly throw up a cheap wall to gain a sense of security without any trust being earned then the heat is just going to escape thru them. This is a detailed general analysis of what happens when people are driven by emotion to make the decision u should go serious. Its only when you demolish those ill constructed walls so all the negative condensation can escape. What you will find is the positive heat from the central heating will stay in the perimeter still. that’s why u always find that they admit their true feeling once your separated. And its nothing to do with you personally. Its just because you don’t manage relationships smartly. The bad walls just collapse because the foundations are weak and the wind comes thru and frees all the condensation and cobwebs until your just left with the “ I still love you”
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 May 2008): I absolutely love this question because I am going through this right now....so here is my take from a woman's POV:1) It is not unreasonable for you to feel that way at all. The saying goes "You want what you can't have." A lot of times it takes men like you to really show women that they can't have everything they want. Once you get in a serious relationship there is always that time where you know the other person will be there for you and you feel you don't have to put in as much effort--during this period you're not thinking about how you're going to feel once the relationship is over but more of what you HAVE to do to keep it together. Then when it finally does end, you feel like you're mourning a loss. The feeling of that person always being there for you is now suddenly gone and women panic. Is it really because they love that person or is it because they felt 'safe' knowing someone loved them and they are not alone? It's a tough call but over time women will most likely feel the second option.2)It's not you at all. My ex did it to me! I was so consumed with my job, friends, environment that he felt like second class when it came to our relationship. He told me this time and time again and I tried bringing him into my circle of friends, inviting him to events, etc. but it just wasn't working out. He then felt 'forced' to go and I would just get upset because he didn't mesh well with anyone. Everyone kept telling me we just did not go together but I kept ignoring them. I finally came to the conclusion that they were right! Why was I trying to force something that wasn't there? It was easier to let him go and enjoy his life and what he wanted then to constantly battle to change myself so I could accommodate him. I did think after I did this if I made a mistake--I went to him and said "do you want to give this another try?" and he blatently said NO. He had moved on and started dating like that-after 2.5 years. Yes, it was a slap in the face and hurt really bad. I then wondered if I made a mistake and contemplated over and over and over. Did I give up the love of my life? Was it real love or infatuation love? It took him to finally say NO to me to really understand what I had done. I just really feel that it is natural for women to want what they no longer can have and this is the case with me.So to wrap this up, I feel 2 things--there are always second chances and you have to move on. If someone is really sorry and you love them with all of your heart, then give it another go. If it happens again, then let them go. If you feel that they are just crying and moping because you have shut the door--then let go and don't look back. It will be better for both of you. Only YOU will truly know how you feel about that person. It doesn't matter what anyone else says--you can't help who you fall in love with.Best of luck.
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