A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Why do single mums/moms seek boyfriends/husbands when they know they can't ever devote enough attention to them? 95% of the people here that response to questions re:step kids say that the children always come first, then why do they even try to start relations?How can a relationship ever form properly if the attention of the mum is 80%-90% on the infants? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you A female reader, Jesc + ?, writes (20 August 2010 for your last answer...
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female
reader, Jesc  +, writes (20 August 2010):
 I need to apologize for my answer earlier I suppose I took it to much to heart.
Like AuntyEm&Cerberus have stated. Your focusing on the wrong part. Cerberus is right, not all single mom's want fathers for their kids. When I became a single mother, I'd figure I would be the mother and father. (Due to my lack of respect for the males)
I didn't start dating till she was 2 years of age, So at that time I had some free time. She would go to day care while I worked. I took an hour each day off to relax. Then come and get her. Women do need there sanity :)
I ended up running into one of my past ex boyfriends(Boy do I mean past). I didn't hide anything from him. I told him I have a child. I do not want you to think you are going to be "Daddy". We started dating. One thing led to another. He did become attach to my daughter. I didn't want this in the beginning cause we all know that there are two possible outcomes to that situation and it's always best to except the worst but hope for the best.
He ended up staying. (Thankfully) But I won't like I was curious on the same thing you are. One night we were out and about I asked him the same thing you asked us. He told me at first it was different. He didn't know if it was good or bad, That sometimes he did get wee bit jealous it didn't last long. We talked and talked. The last thing he said to me was, He wanted to make sure that if he was to date me it would not be for a small time fling for he did not want the child to get attach.
When it first started happening he only saw me that hour of the day every day for a month. Finally I agree'd to a date had my daughter with her babysitter. That's when things seemed better he met my daughter and fell in love with her.
Sometimes you never know what's going to happen OP
It really does take a man of patience to date a women with a child. But I do believe it is well worth it. Some women out there tho, They are looking for a daddy. Those are the ones you should be careful about. Not the fact they want a male role model in their and child's life, They might accept the wrong person.
Yet again OP I am sorry for the way I acted. But your question does go straight to the heart for many women who have children
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2010),
I know shit happens, and I'm sorry that you had to go through what you did, but it might help me if you let me know if you found have someone to be with since then and if it has becoming a permanant thing and how did you balance things between your kids and your man?
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2010): i am shocked as a single mother . Of three dare i say to read this. . . Are you saying that women such as myself who decide that the abusive lying cheating violent man they are with is not worthy do not deserve another shot at love? . . Yes kids do come first but so does your sanity . . I do hope that you dont find yourself in my position one day. . Ha ha. I have the most love and time in the world for my kids as well as being self employed and payin a huge mortgage . . But hey aint every one else. . . We are now in 2011 . Emily pankhurst would be mortified by your coments.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2010): OP I think you're focusing too much on the kid factor. The kid is her responsibility not yours. You don't have to worry about the kids at all, you just focus on the woman herself, that's who you're building the relationship with, the kid is just part of the package.
I've dated a few single mothers and no, not one of them was looking for a father for their kid, NOT ONE. It doesn't work like that. They were confident, happy women who were raising a kid alone. The only difference the kid made in my relationship with those women was to the free time those women had which wasn't as much as a single, childless woman, and also if things started getting serious then the interactions between me and the child became important too.
OP I wasn't flaming you, but your lack of understanding on this issue is something that is shocking to me. You have an attitude that somehow sees them having a kid as a deal breaker, that somehow this woman is incapable of giving you the love and affection you want because she's somehow used it all up on her kid.
Like AuntyEm said, you're looking at this from the perspective that relationships with single mothers don't work because they have a kid, but the reality is your focusing on something that is irrelevant.
You've seen the nasty views of others, that single mothers are idiots, that they can only be looking to sponge off people and are looking for a father figure for their child. That's all a load of nonsense, it's bitter and it's prejudice with absolutely no foundation in reality, it's just bigoted bullshit.
No one called you an asshole but I stick with my original statement. Perhaps you should stay away from her, seeing as you're only entertaining negative views and negative interpretations of single motherhood. You have to stop worrying about the kids or your lack of experience with kids if you want this woman. They're her responsibility not yours and they only effect how much free time she has to be alone with you. Having pleasant interactions with the kids is a bonus but they're only human, it can take a while to form a bond with them as much as it would with anyone else.
I gave you practical answers but you don't want to hear them, you wanted answers to a question, when the question itself is your problem. Single mothers are people, with the same needs, desires and wants that we all have. The fact you can only see this person as a single mother and not a woman. That's where your problem lies.
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reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (9 August 2010):
 Instead of looking to the women to change...I think it's you who needs to change.
If a woman has kids and a man comes into her life, they both need to adapt to fit around the kids. The axis is on the kids.
I may have it wrong but you seem to be asking how you can get a woman to focus attention away from her kids to suit you??... Thats how it seems. In reality, if you choose to be with someone who has kids, then you need to be able to adapt fully to fit in with that family. You cannot expect the woman (or man, if it's a man with kids) to start dancing circles around you...it just won't work.
You come across as a person who will not tolerate other peoples kids. You admit you have no clue, but you have fallen for a 'mum' and now you want to have it your way and change her...I would suggest that you end the relationship and stick to dating women who have no kids, so that perhaps you can make your own.
It's not going to be healthy for you to continue to get involved with this woman while your views are so antagonistic.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell ok, thanks for all your answers so far. But to the ones that have flamed me, have you ever had to come across this situation were you are no kids, no experiance in kids what so ever and you come across this person you love and they have kids? What did u do? how did you feel? do you know anyone else in the same shoes? how did they handle it? Of course when you've given birth to someone you know how it feels to have that bond but right now i dont have a clue what you are talking about.
It was the question i needed answers to, i need practical answers and not just to call me an asshole for wondering what the hell is going on?
I'm sure if you're a single mum and you've had a bad experiance with boyfriends, maybe you can tell me why your relationships have failed in the past and how you wish they could be different???? What you were looking for? a father or what????
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2010): I am a single mum and i dont seek boyfriends/husbands i seek friendship and adult company and if things develop between us its because we both want it to
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reader, EbonyBlossom +, writes (8 August 2010):
 It's a different kind of love dude, and most people need both. They need someone to share the great experiences they have with their kids, someone to look after them and to help with the kids. A father figure for the kids. Lots of reasons dude, it's not putting a relationship in front of the kids, it's trying to create a happy nuclear family and fill the last missing gap.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2010): To fill the hole that the child didn't and for monetary support.
Why are you asking such a stupid question?
The better question would be why do single mothers feel a need to bring a child into the world where they don't have the ability to properly rear the child?
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reader, Dr.LanceMerryweather +, writes (8 August 2010):
 Because the vast majority of them aren't looking for a partner in the accepted sense - they're looking for a father for their kids and - in a lot of cases, a free mealticket. If that sounds cynical, it's because it's based on the personal experiences of myself and some colleagues.
It's a shame that other 'aunts' here are so dismissive - yours is a valid question that deserves an answer. Only valid point from the one who said to keep away from single mums. Yea, the commitment is far too one-sided. Find a woman who wants you for YOU. Not what you can literally bring to the table.
Good luck.
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reader, Jesc +, writes (8 August 2010):
I would have to agree with Cerberus completely. I am so very shocked you would ask a question like that. Very. I really hope for the best for you and your maturity level to rise up some more. Good luck
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reader, AuntyEm +, writes (8 August 2010):
What woman wants to devote 100% of her time to her partner??...Even when there are no kids, you'd never find that, unless your looking for a doormat who wants to be enslaved...seriously you need to get real.
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reader, xXJDXx +, writes (8 August 2010):
I would truley love to kno why your asking this question.... My fiancée was a single dad and I a single mom, we now have another child together. The rule genrally is day time is all about the kids and come their bedtime it's all about you two... That's always the way we've worked and we always have time for each other, we snuggle, kiss, cuddle and when the kids are at school even get down to honking several times.... So i really don't understand the point to thus question as it's quite a shallow thing to say or think, if you got with someone who has no time for you, there obviouly not worth been with.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2010): I'm sorry but your question is a load of crap.
"when they know they can't ever devote enough attention to them?" Who the hell says they can't devote enough attention to a relationship? Of course they can, they may not be able to devote as much time to a relationship as a person without children but that's not a big deal.
Children do come first and when you're in a relationship with a person who has a kid you have to accept that. You have to accept that you'll never be the most important person in their life. The same applies when you're in a relationship and you have kids together. It's called being a parent, it's a life long responsibility.
"then why do they even try to start relations?" Frankly that question doesn't even deserve an answer but I'll humour you anyway. Life doesn't end when you have children, single parents don't suddenly become asexual or not in need of fun and companionship. They do it for the same reasons as everyone else.
"How can a relationship ever form properly if the attention of the mum is 80%-90% on the infants?"
The same way a relationship forms properly when a person has a job, goes to school, has a social life, the same as anyone else. Kids take a lot of time and effort but that doesn't mean they can't be included in anew relationship. In fact that's how it works, you spend time with both of them.
To be honest I can't understand why you would ask such stupid questions. No offence OP but they are. If I were you I'd stay away from single parents, you have a crappy attitude towards them and frankly it's better for them and their kid to have a person in their life that understands the deal and doesn't get jealous or frustrated by the attention a kid takes up.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2010): Well I assume that you don't have any kids of your own. If you had your own kids, wouldn't you devote most of your time to them. Single moms also seek love and attention of course. If you were a single dad wouldn't you like to find some special girl to spend your time with or would you like to stay single. Love for your child is one thing, love for your partner is another story. You can't compare the two. No one wants to go through life alone and unloved.
NightFairy
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