A
female
age
41-50,
*harleneBrown
writes:What are you supposed to do if you're were an ugly duckling that grew up to be an ugly duck instead of a swan?I am a 25 year old virgin and a girl. I've been reading some postings here from other people but my situation is different because I actually get ZERO interest from guys. It seems like there is this belief that as a woman I should be able to get any guy I want and if a girl is still a virgin then it's because she is being too picky about the guys who do like her. But honestly, guys never pick me up, I never get hit on, all the guys I've ever liked only want to be friends. I have in fact never had a guy like me EVER. Not in high school, not in university, not in any other situation. And yes, I do fit the sterotype - fat and ugly.I asked this question but what is wrong with me? Why am I so repulsive to men? And please don't say "there's nothing wrong with you" and "just be patient" because I've been told that for so long and I was actually naive and dumb enough to believe that when I was 13, 15, 20, 23 but now at 25 years old I AM FREAKING OUT! I actually believed for a long time the "fairytale" that there's someone out there who would love me for who I am.Honestly what is going to change? How am I supposed to believe that after being rejected for over 10 years, someone could ever want me? I'm still me and unfortunately that isn't good enough. I am feeling so worthless and down on myself.
View related questions:
still a virgin, university Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (24 December 2008):
 I'm not saying it's your fault. I'm saying, you are your own person, and have the ability to change your view of yourself. Are you worth it? I believe you are.
You are being heard and listened too. I'm not trying to get you to change everything, only look deeper into who you are as a whole. If a girl gets a boob job, she may say she did so to improve who she is, but how much does that actually change her as a whole? How long would she be happy with that change before "needing" another? Changing her appearance may provide temporary gratification, but the "need" proves her sense of self is still not whole.
Who you are goes much deeper than physical appearance. There are guys who love bigger women, and don't find attraction with the "perfect" body.
Work on being around people who are more positive than those who cut you down. There are mean people in this world, choose to have no association with them. I may make all this sound simple. It's not. It can be difficult, but you have to tell yourself that you are worth the trouble and work to improve your view of yourself.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2008): You misunderstood me... I'm the poster from before who swants to shake you until your teeth rattle.
Losing weight ISN'T ABOUT CHANGING FOR A MAN. Its about YOU. If you being fat makes you feel ugly and feeling ugly makes you feel depressed, then lose weight FOR YOURSELF. Not for finding a man. Not for impressing anyone. You do it because YOU like what YOU see in the mirror.
I mentioned before, I'm a big girl too. 280 lbs. Not remotely skinny by any means. I'm happy with who I am, how I am. Now, when I was 400 pounds, I wasn't happy with myself. So, I did something about it.
You're right. Your weight ISN'T the issue. But THE WAY YOU LOOK AT YOURSELF AND FEEL ABOUT YOURSELF is. If the way to make you feel better is to lose weight, THEN YOU SHOULD DO IT. If you are 100% happy the way you are, if you can look in the mirror and feel that what you are looking at is the best you you're seeing, then don't change a goddam thing.
But you don't feel that way. You constantly say so in all of your posts. Don't nitpick at the minor points of what's being told to you, read the message in its fullness.
Being confident isn't about lying to yourself. Geez, if that's what you think, no wonder you're in such dire straits. Its about being happy with yourself. I look in the mirror and I like what i see. I'm gorgeous. I might be big, but I'm a hottie. And that's not me lying to myself... its the truth. And its confirmed by my boyfriend and other men who constantly approach me and want to take me out.
Before you can even think about men or relationships, girl, you have got to work on the relationship with yourself. Because you are being an abusive mate to yourself with the constant put-downs. If someone talked to you, the way you talked about yourself, you'd cut that person out of life, and rightly so.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2008): Hello Miss Charlene Brown, very nice to meet you. At the moment you are only seven years old. Your a lovely little girl, but your around very unkind people who say nasty things to you. Don't worry babes, all this will change, you can't do anything now but one day you'll be an adult.
Hello Miss Charlene Brown, glad to see you've grown up a bit. Teenage years are very hard, people get into groups, start dating and sometimes you feel left out. Your an intelligent, sensitive person, but the people arround you are jerks. Don't worry babes, one day all this will change, you'll be an adult and you can find better people to hang out with...
Hello Miss Charlene Brown, sorry your feeling a little stuck. But welcome to Dear Cupid, I'm sure together we can work this out. Your an intelligent woman, you know you want happiness and love, but your not sure just how about getting it, in the way that suits you best...
Hello Miss Charlene Brown, has it been five years already. You've changed a lot since we spoke to you last. Ah, so you met somebody nice. You took a good look at your life and you set some goals and you achieve everything you ever wanted to do. You built your confidence on making the very best out of you, and feeling proud of what you do, and telling nasty people to go to hell.. Thanks for the update, take care of you always..
Has anybody seen Miss Charlene Brown, I guess not, she's too happy and busy to be bothering with people like us...
If you want to love yourself, start by loving that young Miss Charlene Brown who needed a friend badly. If you want to achieve something, whether it's love, self-confidence or anything else, then first work out what it is that you want, what it will look like when you get it. Then follow the steps to achieve your goal.
You want a guy to like you the way you are... Well, hell girl, YOUR MISS CHARLENE BROWN, original, independent, self-aware, easy to talk to, unique, intelligent, sometimes funny.. the list goes on... There is only one Miss Charlene Brown here, nobody walks, talks or thinks just in quite the same way she does.. She's a unique and beautiful person, and if the world can't accept that, then the world is bloody wrong.
...............................
A
female
reader, CharleneBrown +, writes (24 December 2008):
CharleneBrown is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHow do you love yourself when you're told that you're unworthy of love for 10+ years?I feel so frustrated because I think we're talking in circles. I don't feel like I am being heard or listened to.
...............................
A
female
reader, CharleneBrown +, writes (24 December 2008):
CharleneBrown is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou're right - I'm not sure what I want. I want to date but no one wants me. I'm getting conflicting advice - I should have self-esteem and yet at the same time I should change everything about me? I'm not saying I'm closed to the idea of change I just realize that changing to get a guy is only going to make me feel worse because I'm not being myself - which is what self-esteem is about, isn't it?As for the self-esteem issue, I disagree that looks have nothing to do with self-esteem. Where does self-esteem come from? Obviously it's not all about looks however when you're told negative things (about looks, intelligence, competence, etc.) you begin to internalize them as true. If you read anything on self-esteem, you'll see that this is how self-esteem develops. My point is if several people tell you something about yourself, how can you keep denying it? How do you tell the difference between low self-esteem and a healthy acceptance of reality?I did NOT develop in a bubble. I have a negative view on men and dating because of experience. Now you're saying that this is my fault that, despite a constant stream of rejection, I don't have confidence about my body and sexual appeal? I'm sorry but that's twisted logic.
...............................
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (24 December 2008):
Re: Self esteem. I'm not talking about physical appearance. I'm overweight. My daughter says I traded the six pack in for a pony keg. I don't mind it, because I have a strong sense of self.
The sense of self I'm talking about is the part of you that if you were isolated from all people, stripped from everything you own and was left with only you then asked "Who are you?" It's a combination of your personality, your character, and your integrity wrapped up in the package of who you are. So if you were stripped of everything, you have yourself left. An asset no one can take from you. The greatest asset you'll ever own is who you are.
This has nothing to do with looks, it's all on the inside. About 10 years ago, I was really attracted to a lady I met. We never connected because of our living distance, but became close during the time we had. She was not what society as a whole would consider attractive. She has a bone disease, so on one hand she only has a thumb and two fingers, on the other she has only three fingers. She uses crutches because her feet are where her knees are suppose to be, and has no knees. She's 3 1/4 feet tall. Although she had these issues, we connected in an unexplainable way. When we talked, I didn't see someone disabled. I saw beauty and someone I wanted to be around. We still chat, long distance every now and again. She graduated from college, school teacher by day, and psychologist in the afternoon and night.
She is strong with her sense of self. She had physical flaws. When we'd sit and talk, I didn't see any flaws, I saw her beauty as a whole.
This is the deep level of self esteem I've been talking about.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2008): You confuse me about what you really want...
"And yes, I do fit the sterotype - fat and ugly".... But you have no wish to change this and are happy as you are. Then you ask why guys don't find you attractive. You need to decide what you really want out of life. You want a guy to like you exactly as you are, and you've never had a date, but see no reason why you should change.
Do you want a boyfriend or not?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2008): Nope babes, I'm telling you to do what you feel comfortable with. If integrity is important then you must wait for a man who values it as highly as you do. It's just that people can make a judgement about attractiveness, physical beauty and all the things you can see with one look. Trying to find somebody with suitable integrity takes a long time. If these are the qualities that you need to share with a man, then try to make friendships with guys, and hopefully once they get to know you, then they will ask you out.
As I said, you want to date, you want to date a certain type of man, and you want him to find you attractive the way you are. Nothing wrong with that, but you will find it harder than other girls who proactively go out and pretty up themselves to try to attract someone. Your values are important to you, there is no need to change, but many people think differently from you, you just need to wait to find somebody who thinks like you do.
You live in Canada, your overage, haven't you noticed the current worship of attractiveness, youthfulness, clothes, fashion and makeup. I would be lying if I said in 21st century Canda these things are ignored when people are looking for a long term partner for romance. We may eat with our mouth, but it's our eyes and nose that attract us to the food first. It's not what you want to hear, but I can't tell you that yes Prince Charming doesn't like to see a girl wearing pretty shoes. We advised you about how to get a date. You don't like the advice and see no reason to change. You will get a date eventually from a man who shares your beliefs, but it will just be harder than for other girls who spend all their spare time doing the beauty thing. Nobody is telling you to change, but as you say, your unable to get a date at the moment, we were only trying to tell you what might help this change.
Try to find interest and hobbies that men like, spend more time in a male environment and then maybe you'll find more men friends that share your interests and then you will have opportunities to meet guys that are appropriate for you.
...............................
A
female
reader, XxAnGelXxx  +, writes (24 December 2008):
 Also, maybe try some online dating? Not necessarily a dating site, try this place moko.mobi its just a chat site, nothing more, nothing less, send a picture in and see who compliments you and wants a chat :)
...............................
A
female
reader, CharleneBrown +, writes (24 December 2008):
CharleneBrown is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI feel so frustrated and misunderstood.
So basically what you're saying is that it's my fault that guys aren't attracted to me because I don't try hard enough by wearing makeup and losing weight and dressing "well" and therefore I deserve to be alone? Because there are other girls who are willing to do what it takes? So should I start prostituting myself as well? According to your logic, I am only valuable to men according to my physical appearance and what I am willing to do to make myself more "appealing." Where does integrity come into play?
...............................
A
female
reader, XxAnGelXxx +, writes (24 December 2008):
Right, dont be calling yourself fat and ugly, everyone is beautiful in their own way. Think sexy, think confident, and you will become it. Believe me, confidence is the key thing here, it will get you noticed:) ok try this, do a bit of research on the net about what type, style, shape and coloured clothes suit and flatter your body type. Also check out what make up colours you should be going for, which colour eyeshadows will work with your colour eyes, and flatter them, but dont go over board! Next, a new hair style will go down a treat. Then put it all together! Dont forget the little things either, nails, eyebrows, perfume ect. Once all that's done, take a look in the mirror at the new you, strut about a bit and strike a pose! Hopefully you'll be at the peak of confidence. Then go out, even for a walk, and strut that gorgeous you like you're on a catwalk :) x
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2008): About the fairytale's... things like that only happen in movies and books. If you read Cinderella properly the prince didn't notice her or even recognise her when she was covered in ashes. He fell in love with a beautiful girl wearing a pretty dress and dancing with him at the ball... "I love you, and your beautiful the way you are", well that's silly stuff out of books, that's what we tell little children... Reality is that somebody falls in love with somebody because they look nice, they have a great personality, and nice ways. It's hard to say, "I fell in love with you because you refused to look your best", but it dose happen, and I'm sure it will happen to you. Somebody will notice you and like you, no matter how you look, it will just take a little longer that's all.
You can love yourself, but nobody is perfect, we can all change little things about ourselves to present ourselves for the best. You do not wish to do this, so you must wait for the right guy who appreciates you to find you.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2008): Thanks for the update babes, but it is interesting to be more clear about what your saying, but now I'm confused about what you actually want.
1) Work on your appearance (weight, makeup) - Well you say you have no wish to change, you like yourself exactly as you are...
But if this is true, that means you have very high esteem. You like yourself and you are not willing to change for anyone. To be like that takes a lot of self-confidence, and it is very good.
The thing is that when most men or women want a date or a partner, they dress up, they try to look the very best they can. Most people are attracted to other people in the first couple of minutes, that's why people try to look good and make an impression. There are over 6billion people in the world, a lot of choice in the romantic stakes. Deciding to find a partner instantly puts you into a competition against other women in the world. Those women will be dressing up, losing weight, fixing their hair and makeup. They will be make a large effort to attract someone, and because they try they are more likely to attract somebody they like.
You have no need to change, you can stay exactly the way you are. But it will be harder to attract a romance partner, because he will be attracted to the girl who tries harder to get his attention. Men do the same thing, they make themself look their very best so they can get the girl. I'm the same, I can't be bothered with getting fancied up, but that's because I'm not looking for romance. When I am looking for romance, well then I try to look my best so I can look attractive to the opposite sex. It makes sense to me.
You want to stay the same, you don't want to change, somebody must come along and love you just the way you are. Well it will happen, it will just take you a hell of a lot longer than people who go out and actively try to do the things that will help them attract a partner. If I have a choice between a guy whose overweight, wearing bad clothes and has a bad hairstyle, and somebody who tries to look attractive, I must be truthful and admit I'd be more interested in the guy who seems to have taken the time to make himself attractive to me and other women.
You don't have to change, but be aware that other women will change if it brings the romantic relationship that they want.
...............................
A
female
reader, CharleneBrown +, writes (24 December 2008):
CharleneBrown is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI appreciate the advice however I'm feeling misunderstood. The basic theme of all of your advice is 1) work on your appearance (weight, makeup) and 2) love yourself. They seem counterintuitive - in order to attract men I should change myself and yet somehow still love myself the way I am.
I am not interested in dieting advice, I was looking for dating advice. In response to one reader, yes losing weight is hard but I'm not "wallowing in self-pity" by "choosing" not to do anything about it. The weight really isn't the issue (just as smoking or alcohol); the issue is whether I need to become someone else - a "pretty" thin girl to be considered worthwhile. In fact, I don't want to lose weight, I don't want to wear makeup, I don't want to wear "better" clothes, I don't want to sleep around, I don't want to get plastic surgery, I don't want to pretend to be someone else, I don't want to have to be someone else - I want to be me and have that be okay.
As for loving myself and needing to have high self-esteem - to be honest, I disagree. Yes, having self-esteem is important. But where does self-esteem come from? If since when I was 13 years old, I'm ignored and/or treated poorly by guys who have told me (explicitly or implicitly) that I am ugly and they have no interest in me over and over again, I would internalize that and begin to believe it myself. It doesn't matter how good my self-esteem is, being given a negative message constantly for 10+ years, how could I not believe it? Especially when it's not just one person, not just many guys, but ALL of them. That's why I am so frustrated when people (on boards, in articles, media, etc.) say the problem (ie why people have trouble getting dates) is a low self-esteem issue. Does it not occur to anyone that maybe the reason why I have low self-esteem when it comes to guys is because of experience? I mean, did anyone think I just woke up with these negative beliefs? I assure you I didn't. In fact, in high school I couldn't understand why I had so much difficulty when guys were "flocking" to my friends; it was only after a very long time of being constantly rejected and put downs that I realized it was because I wasn't pretty enough or thin enough. Actually, I still have trouble accepting this which is why I posted the question.
Also, what is the difference between having good self-esteem and lying to yourself? I could tell myself I am beautiful a billion times but that doesn't make it true anymore than telling myself I'm a millionaire. It's not reality.
As for whining and being very negative, I actually am not; I simply have no one to talk to about these issues because I can't express my true feelings which is why I joined and posted these questions. In fact, I've been told I'm a big smiley face and am given compliments for being friendly and kind; a close friend whom I confided some of this with was surprised that I had so much trouble attracting men. This is why I believe it's because of the way I look; I'm a good person otherwise but in terms of attractiveness, I just don't have it.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2008): You know... I'm reading your post and I just want to grab you by the shoulders and shake you until your teeth rattle! You sound like me 10-15 years ago. Its driving me nuts. So, let someone whose 13 years older than you and whose been where you are give you a little advice...
I'm a plus sized woman. Have been big all my life. Currently, I'm 280 pounds. I have no problems getting a man. Want to know why? Because I look damn good and I'm a damn good woman. But let me tell you something... this confidence of mine did not come easy. It took years and it took work. It took losing some weight (I used to 400 lbs.), putting some effort into my appearance and into me.
In the edited words of a certain comedian, "Its called SELF esteem... that means esteem of your SELF." Stop looking for men to validate you! Only you can validate yourself. Nobody can change your circumstances but YOU. And until you do, no man is going to come within 1000 feet of you. So, that leaves you with 2 choices: 1) you can continue whining about how life sucks and no one wants be with you, etc. or 2) you can get off your ass and do something about it.
You've heard from others about losing weight... and your response was, "...ever told a smoker or alcoholic or addict how easy it is to quit?" (in other words, "Its too hard").
YEAH! It is hard. Damn hard. One of the hardest things to do. So what? Are you serious? You you would rather wallow in self pity because "its too hard"? Who in the heck said life was easy? Anything worth having is worth working for. If you feel your weight is the problem, then hard or not, do something about it! Piss or get off the pot. Do something about it or don't complain.
Let me tell you, I spent my 20s sounding like you. I whined all the time about what a loser I was, how no man wanted me, how I was fat and ugly, blah blah blah. Drove what few female friends I had up the wall. And then I finally figured out one day that no one really wanted to hear my whining. Not when the power to do something about it was in my own hands.
Do I sound harsh? Damn right. But I say this out of love... I feel like I'm talking to teenage me and saying what I wish someone would've told me, because I swear most of my youth was spent feeling sorry for myself.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2008): "And yes, I do fit the sterotype - fat and ugly."
Two things that are very easily solved. Loose weight, just enough so you feel more sexy and confident in yourself. Buy women's magazines and learn how to put on make up, dress nicely, get a good hair cut and make the best of what you've got.
You have to work on beautifying yourself. With a little effort, you can be as pretty as anyone else. Beautiful women are called beautiful because they look slim, they fix themselves up and know how to look their best. I've known many "ugly" women who get all the guys because they make the best of their body and learn to have confidence, and flirt and smile. Check out some of the fashion makeover shows that are currently on TV and you'll see many "ugly" women get a makeover to become beautiful again...
PS: The mirror trick really dose work, you are as beautiful as you think you are. Men are attracted to confidence...
...............................
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (21 December 2008):
There is no real cure for feeling horrible. What I'd recommend is putting yourself out there. Being buys with activities often assists with that horrible feeling. What do you like to do? As an example, Are there volunteer organizations or groups you're interested in, but haven't volunteered your time. Joining activities of interests, put you in contact with people who are like minded.
Working on our sense of self is a never ending process. I believe there is someone out there for you. One reason for working on your sense of self is to avoid negative transference. That's where your around someone who's extremely depressed and their emotions transfer to those who are around them. I've had this happen counseling relationship, abuse and other related traumas. I can feel extremely emotionally drained depending on the situation.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2008): What you need to do is simple. You don't need to change yourself because that would mean your giving out a false impression and not your true self. You must look for men that desire you. You will not find it from guys that want the trophy girlfriend or wife, they are more insecure then you are because they are trying to fit in to the perfect couple image to get a sense of belonging. Remember also that there are some things a pleasantly plump woman can provide that a skinny chick will never be able to come close. You have more to offer than you think, just quit looking at men with boy attitude and find a man that has grown up and know what he wants and has nothing to prove.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2008): I french kissed for the first time @ 21 and lost my virginity @ 25. I was fat and ugly (some people may say i'm still). love yourself first, you can't get love until you do. post on a dating website saying big beautiful woman - yes some guys do like that. btw I feel ur pain BUT stop feeling like a victim & persevere even through many rejections (i've been there) good luck & god bless.
...............................
A
male
reader, urbanking99 +, writes (21 December 2008):
Dear Charlene
I felt exactly the same way as you and I'm a guy. I'm in my mid forties and have only had one serious relationship nearly 20 years ago now, which lasted two years. This just happened to be with an absolutely stunning looking woman from Croatia. We also still happen to have remained friends. I went on holiday with the least expectation of meeting and ultimately falling in love with someone. The best things happen when you least expect it to. I lost my virginity to her when I was 26 which even in the later 1980's would have been considered ancient. In fact this year is the first time I have had confidence around wome. Why? Because I know who I am (to a lesser degree) and what I want and expect from life.
Confidence I believe is a major factor in being attracted to someone but also being confident about yourself and ultimately being able to love yourself for who you are.
Yes you can change things about your appearance but have to want to do that. Personally I'd recommend a workout 3-4 times a week and just watch your diet. I should know I managed this year to lose nearly 20 pounds with this method and my best friend (female) rated me 8 out of 10.
Get out there and have fun and remember you can do and be anything you want to be if you want it enough.
...............................
A
female
reader, CharleneBrown +, writes (20 December 2008):
CharleneBrown is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo the girls who are in a similar situation, I can't say I'm glad you're in the same boat but I guess it's nice to have company.
When I said I fit the stereotype of a girl who's still a virgin (ie fat and ugly), I wasn't putting myself down - that's simply how I look. As for losing weight, yes, it is in my control but so is smoking or alcohol or drugs, ever told a smoker or alcoholic or addict how easy it is to quit?
As for having confidence or loving myself, see my previous note on losing weight. Seriously, if every member of the opposite sex rejected me for 10+ years, how am I supposed to have confidence around dating and men? Why would I think of myself as a worthwhile person relationship-wise when I've been told for 10+ years that I'm worthless? It's not like I've been this way my whole life, I've just had my self-esteem chipped away over and over again.
I don't expect having a relationship to be perfect or that the guy will solve my problems, I want one because I want one. I'm emotionally and sexually frustrated. I'm not picky either - I'm serious when I say I'm never approached.
There's no one for me - I know this intellectually but emotionally and physically I don't know how to let go. I guess that's really what I want - to know how I can stop feeling so horrible all the time because I'm a dating pariah.
...............................
A
male
reader, daletom +, writes (20 December 2008):
The feeling of "being the only single in a sea of couples" can be devastating. I was there!
I presume your are ultimately looking for a serious relationship, not just somebody to chat with while waiting in the laundromat. Toward that end, you are collecting some good advice here in this thread.
It sounds like this is a serious problem for you; you may not be able to overcome it on your own. There are professionals who can help you become more attractive to guys, and even introduce you to guys. (I'm referring to interpersonal relationship specialists, not "dating services".) They usually charge for their services. You may be able to obtain similar help through universities, seminaries and professional institutes that have graduate education programs in counseling.
Short of that, the best suggestion I can make is:
Let some older adults know about your situation!
Think of the adults you've had good personal relationships with. These might be aunts or uncles; athletic coaches; special teachers; Scout or Church youth workers; perhaps a neighbor or family friend. Somebody who KNOWS you and you can speak with in confidence. Let this person(s) know how you feel deep inside. ASK FOR TWO KINDS OF SUGGESTIONS: things you can do to improve the situation, and people you can meet. Follow-up on the suggestions, and come back to your mentor for additional feedback.
Folks your age are generally very poor matchmakers: they'll simply try to hook you up with the first unattached person who comes to mind. Older adults, who know your personality and temperament, are much better at it. They recognize qualities and traits that improve compatibility. (Very few young people consider this idea, but it has been rather effective in other cultures down through history.)
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2008): hi do you wnat to hear the irish girl story much like yours and shes in the same boat but worse far worse.i post here to you .
i was wondering can any one help me .
i am 29 years old and i have never had a boyfriend. i never even got my first kiss. i don't know how to kiss and everyone else does. all but me.
every guy i like rather someone else and never me.
they reject me in the coldest of ways.
i am very shy, quiet, nervous, low self esteem because all the rejection guys gave me, not loud or full of my self, unlike the guys who i like, who like to drink lot and party and pick up girls at any available moment.
guys like that have no time for likes of me. they rather good looking girls who are slim and tall. it looks like i'll never have a boyfriend. its too hard, way too hard, i am overweight, short, with round fat face ,
what the worse thing is guys who rejected me find girlfriends. and me nobody wants.after 11 years solidi am still on my own.there is something really wrong with me
any advice from the male on my problem
shes in the exact same
...............................
A
female
reader, silly sue +, writes (20 December 2008):
I think there is no such a thing as ugly, there can only be an ugly state of mind. Lots of people have boring, unattractive, nothing-special face features, that is something one is born with. But the rest is up to you. You were not born with the doom of staying fat. You can change it. Challenge it. Challenge yourself into doing physically difficult things: for one person it might be climbing, for another it might be going for a long walk. You can transform yourself into a person that believes change is possible. There are lots of not very pretty people who have great personality and physical vitality. That is what is important. The inside is not pretty just because it is hidden, you have to be a stronger person that believes is herself, then you will be attractive on the inside, interesting. You have problems in your life, stop believing that having a guy will fix them for you! Men sense that you are needy run away. Do things that will make you feel proud of yourself, get a life! Stop felling sorry for yourself. You are not the first person that has weight problems, not the first person to have dating problems. Start with little things around yourself: start going for walks. Find books that you like reading, learn a new skill, learn something that you always wanted to learn but didn't have the chance to (I started learning swimming at the age of 25). There were lots of overweight people at the pool, and guess what, nobody cared! They just went there did their swim and left.And if you do things on a regular basis that make you feel that you are changing yourself little by little, you will start liking yourself, you will get more confident and maybe you will find a guy that you will like for who he is and not just because he can make you feel complete and less insecure. And then you could as him out. Don't measure yourself against other people, you don't have to pursue the commercial prettiness ideals with make-up etc., but what you have to do is to ask yourself if you are achieving your personal best.
...............................
A
male
reader, Dr Vendetta +, writes (20 December 2008):
 romantic silver screen hollywood ideals are.. liturally just that a story written, filmed and aw how magical.but in reality this is far from the case. life is not a movie. theres no script writers and no stunt men.you say you have read around this board.. but have you been looking for the right things? there are plenty of women who want to know why their man doesn't love them and is cheating on them. or abusing them.someone close recently passed away, the guy she was seeing was cheating on her, abusive and she was only with him because she didn't want to be alone.Am i fat? no. am i ugly? no i have seen far worse but i'm no brad pit.someone asked me recently how i can be so confident around compelete strangers. simple answer. i'm not. i'm a very closed off person ( ask anyone on this site )its nothing more than an act, but if you can make others believe you're confident then you subconsciously become it.its not going to happen over night, its very much a "stop giving a rats ass" attitude. you say you're fat and ugly?well. do something about it. work out and lose weight. if you don't feel you can do it alone get a personal trainer.. yes it will cost but they will whip your ass into shape.and yes theres that whole " you have to love yourself blah blah blah"ask anyone here. I LOVE ME. shit i'd date me i'm that shit hot. women don't turn me down. they're just letting me know i'd be wasting my time and that they arn't good enough for me.you can sit there and mope or do it step by step. body first. once thats in order make over. hair cut and style./ the works.if you keep doing the same thing over and over you're only going to get the same outcome.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2008): I'm not trying to be rude, but even geeky looking people get partners and get married and have the whole five yards. Maybe you should lower your stardards look wise? what sort of guys are you going for?
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2008): I know how you feel. I've never had anyone interested in me as well. One key thing people tell me, that I can't seem to do, is be confident. And I know you said don't say this, but do try to have hope in the end things will work out. And if you are really that sick of not attracting guys, do something about it. Lose some weight, dress nicer, whatever. I'm not trying to be mean, my problem is weight as well, (no serious offense intended guys, but...) guys are shallow. You need to catch their eye. I am too lazy at the moment to fix my looks, so I obviously don't mind being alone as much as I think. And it has to be the same with you. And SOME guys are interested in you! You just don't see it. They may not be the ones you want, so don't feel pressured to be with them, but at least remember that some people out there would see you and get to know you, and want to jump on you! Ha ha.
It is not completely you though. Don't take it all on yourself, I am not going to lie and say it isn't your fault somewhat. But do me a favor, and don't change yourself to get guys. Why do you want anyone you have to be different for anyways? You want to meet someone as YOU and then attract the person that will always love you, even if you put on some weight. I still have hope, I don't quite know how, it's mainly because if I don't hope, what do I have?
But just go out and have fun and forget that you even want a guy, then they should come to you. Eventually. If you don't go through some shitty sad lonely times how will you appreciate the good times? Just tell yourself that over and over. You can't force people to love you. There really is no answer to your question. In my opinion anyways... Write me if you'd like. You know, someone to encourage you and let you know someone else feels the same.
[email address blocked]
...............................
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (20 December 2008):
I read through your post three different time trying to find one good thing you say about yourself. Read through it, you'll find it's as negative as I saw it.
"when I was 13, 15, 20, 23"
In seeing those numbers, here is something I want you to really think about. How can you expect someone to love you for who you are, when you don't love yourself for who you are?
When you tell yourself negative things about you often enough, you start living what you're not and not who you are.
Every morning, when you see yourself in the mirror, tell yourself three different benefits about what you can offer someone. Your personality etc. Before you'll be ready to date, you have to look as yourself as being worth it.
I know people from all different looks and sizes, many of which are in relationships or married. I believe the difference is to stop focusing on what you feel you don't have and start focusing on what you do.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2008): i'm a 24 year old woman in the nearly the same position. i occasionally get attention from weird or gross guys, like the random old drunk guy in a club or homeless men. let your imagination run wild with my "options"...
i think just from reading posts here that it's not so uncommon for people to end up alone. it seems more common than society would have us think. everyone is always like oh quit focusing on it and it will happen. they're lying. i don't have any friends whose bfs just fell into their laps. first you have to have that appeal that guys like (i'm useless on that part). second, he has to be into you (again, can't sustain their interest). then, you get to respond to the offer. so if the first two don't happen you are out of luck.
i've kind of resigned myself to being alone. if it didn't happen in high school, college, new york city, and now school again, it probably just isn't meant to be. and i gave it serious effort (lost weight several times, threw parties, went out a lot). i plan on getting a dog as soon as i don't have a roommate anymore and i figure i'll be fine until my closest friends are all married off. at least there's somebody to see a movie with!
if you don't want to give up just yet, i'd recommend reading love smart by dr. phil. it helped my self-esteem quite a bit a few years back. it may not help you get the guy, but there's no need to feel ugly! it'll definitely help with that.
sorry if my post seems negative. the point is...you aren't alone with your problem and that is some solace. i know i feel better after reading this and similar posts on this site.
...............................
A
female
reader, brokenandconfused +, writes (20 December 2008):
 never say that you are FAT or UGLY! there's no such thing as being fat or ugly. confidence is key. as long you have attitude you will get someone. i'm not the smallest person but i'm thicker than most but i have confidence. i look in the mirror everyday and love what i see. recognize the light inside yourself first and it will fall into place. as far as being a virgin don't sweat it sex is not everything. remember beauty starts inside of you. i wish you luck on your future endeavors!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2008): Hey. DO NOT put yourself down like that. There is more to life than looks and unfortunately in this day and age, people are too obsessed with what they look like. But the guys that I know that have had long lasting relationships, are not with really attractive girls and they are with them because of their personality. Yea good looking girls get guys to go after them for a little while but most of them are bitches and are looked at as just an easy hook up. Its easy to feel down. Ive never had a boyfriend or even kissed someone yet and im 19 years old and im getting scared that Im not going to find anyone I want to be with although i am picky about who i date but not just for looks. Most guys just want sex and I wont give them that but I promise you, it will happen when you least expect it. Im sure your a good person who has a great heart and a lot to offer and you have not met a guy who can appreciate that yet but its hard to find a decent guy. You are not alone. So just relax, focus on other things that make you happy and along the way you will meet someone. Dont be in a rush because I bet when you meet that special person, it will be amazing and worth the wait.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2008): I am 27 and in the same position as you are.. I am fat and ugly too, and you know what. What makes this suck more its that I have seen many fat and ugly chicks with boyfriends. Makes me very sad *sigh*
...............................
|
