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writes: Hey out there, I'm going crazy. Well I'm having trouble with my girlfriend's past. She has had sex with 15 other guys and had sexual relations with at least 6 more. I try not to bring it up but it comes up in my head a lot, to the point where I get frustrated. I can just picture it and visualize it in my head and it drives me crazy. I love her a ton and she is such a great girl it just hurts to think about. Is this normal? I know I'm such a freaking jerk for feeling this way. Can someone help!
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male
reader, Notsobig  +, writes (22 October 2018):
I really feel sorry for all of you that are having that much trouble coping with your wife or girlfriend’s past. How shallow you are. How low self esteem you have. Your lack of confidence in yourself to the point that your partner’s innocence before you met her can make or break you is very sad. What exactly about other men having sex with her before she met you is messing you up? She didn’t even know you. My wife lied to me about her past only because she didn’t want to hurt me and because of men like you that shame women for being human. She originally told me 12. We were in our late 30’s when we met so to me 12 wasn’t really that much. She said she had never had a one night stand. Turns out she had been with 30 men, several one night stands and she had dated 3 guys at the same time for several months having had sex with all 3 each week. She had sex with at least 3 having only met them less than 2 hours before. And it turns out all 4 of her children were from different men. After she told me all this, I told her to feel free to tell me anything because it would not affect how I felt about her and that I would love her no matter what. Do I believe, based on the details that there are probably more than 30? Sure. Does that worry me? No. Nothing she did with these men matters to me. Oh, and she did say that I am the smallest of all of them after I pressed her for the information. I love her and she loves me and we are best friends. And I certainly am not going to let it depress me that she has had many sex partners. The past is the past unless you have issues.
A
male
reader, Aleon  +, writes (13 July 2011):
Hi people, i know the problem you’re all dealing with pretty well and I’m at the end of the road to get past it. It is possible for everyone and it is worse it, not only for your relationship, but also for yourself. It is like a war youre fiting with your mind and it takes a lot of battles. Some you will loose, but you will win the whole thing in the end if you are persistent and willing to do so. First thing: Do not read all the comments below, most of them wont help you but make you feel worse. There are a few, the ones written by other guys who allready dealt with it, that will help you. Read the beginning of the comments and try to find out if they are positive on the theme and how to get over it. Do not read all the other comments, they will only afirm you, that all the bad stuff you are thinking about your girlfriend is right. But it is not! And that is the point in the end.As you, a lot of people deal with this problem, mainly men, but there are also a few women. Then there are other people, who have partners who did the same stuff in their past and they don’t have a problem with it. I think most guys do not have a big issue on this. So that is why you should not read comments which tell you that your girlfriend did bad stuff, that she was a whore, a slut, that you have to feel bad about it because you are a male and you still have the huntig s##t inside you that makes you feel bad. There are people which tell you, that you lost a kind of natural game to the guys with whom she has been before you and a lot of things like this. If you read it, you will feel extreemly bad afterwards. That isn't because you’ll think that youre feelings about youre gf are right, because „all“ the other people have the same problem. So it is natural, so it has to be a problem, so it has to be hard to get past it. That is all shit! Nothing of it is right!That is where I want to start. Your girlfriend did things in HER past and you are feeling verry badly about. Those feelings do come up because you think that she did bad things. Without thinking badly about her, you would not have any bad feelings. But you think badly about her and that is because you and me and the others having this issue, learned that what our partners did is a bad thing. We learned, that girls who sleep around are sluts. We learned, that we as male should be the strong part in the relationship and that it is bad if our gf’s did „bad“ things we didn’t do. Than most of us are pessimists, often complaining about things that happen or that happend. We look back into past and think about stuff that we can not change. More optimistic people look at the actual situation and the future, because its not possible to change the past and so it is quite stupid to think and feel bad about it. Now, to get past this issue, you must learn new. It is verry hard and it can take a long time. I’ve wrestled with this for almost three month now. I had bad times, i felt physicly ill while dealing with it, I had arguments with my gf and i called her a slut. I wanted to hurt her, I wanted to show her how bad she was. I can be thankful that she did not leave me. She slept with 21 guys before me, some of them I also know. She told me a lot of the storrys. In the beginig I thought it would have been better, if she did not tell me all that. But now I know that it is ok to know it because it was a part of her life. It was good because I had problems with it and i had to deal with it. If she did not tell me all that and I would know about it later on for some reason, I would have had the same issues. So better to deal with it in the begining of the relationship, because now there is nothing anymore about her that could come up and make me feel bad and I know that she is honest with me. Back to the problem. It is verry important for you, that you know, that most people do not have a great problem with this and that there are also women with the same problem. It ist important to know that there are people here who feel bad about two previous partners and there are gf’s with more than 100 previous partners, which ist he same problems for their boyfriends. That shows you, that everything ist possible, that it does not have to bother you, that it is nothing natural because you are a male and so you have to feel bad about it. Its only about what you learned. That makes you think bad about her and thinking badly you feel badly. Make yourself an abc of feelings:A: the fact; she did what she didB: what you think about the fact; she did wrong, she was a slut and whatever...C: your feelings: very badYou have to change this into:A: the fact; she did what she didB: what you think about the fact; It was totally ok what she didC: your feelings: neutral about her past or even good because it is part of the person you loveSo in the end what you have to do is change your thinking. That is difficult, because you learned your whole life, that sleeping around is a bad thing, speccially for women. If you do not change your thinking, it will always bother you. So this is the only way to get 100% out of it.Now you think NO, what she did was bad and so i can not change my thinking because i know I am right. WRONG! Remember, there are peoble without youre problem and that is because they do not think badly about the things their partners did. Thats the end of your road. It may be long and painful, but you can walk all the way and be free. How to get there: You have to question yourself, if you are right with the idea that it was bad and that it has to bother you now. The second point is easy. If you did not know it, it would not bother you, it would be like it never happend. This shows you, that there is nothing wrong with youre girlfriend now. There is nothing left on or within her coming from the stuff she did. She ist the same person as if you did not know her past, as if it did never happen. And this shows you, that it ist only you making you a bad time now. You are hurting yourself, you are making your relationship bad, you make yourself angry and no one else. If you want a bad time and you want to kill your relationship to the girl you love and that might be the best person you will find in the world who will treat you the best way you can imagine, than go on with hurting yourself. But the situation could also be like this: Now you are having the best person imaginable at your site and you are having the best time in your life with this person, the greatest fun, sex and what ever is so great about your partner. This is possible and it is you on deciding what you want. Heaven or hell?! I chose heaven and i suggest you would like to do the same. This brings us back to the first point, that it was not bad, whatever your girlfriend did. This is the real problem. Two month ago i would have never believed, that i could not think badly about my gf’s past. But now i do not. By not thinking bad about it I do not think about it anymore, i do not have nasty images in my head anymore and I feel like reborn. I think it is an individual way to get to this point, because averyone finds his own road. But I can tell you how I got there. The first step was to know why she did so. In my gf’s case it is about her childhood. Her mother died when she was five and her father treated her badly. He did not give her any attention, no hugs no nothing. All he did was telling her that she was bad and that she had to achieve something to be respected and to be praised. Often she went up to her room crying that no one loved her. I want to keep this short. All this shit, which happened to a lot of girls who sleep around, made her the adult she is and made her sleep around. She craved closeness, she wanted attention, she wanted to be cherished, she wanted to be good to men to get attention and love, just as she learned from her father. There was no mother to show her how to behave like a women, so she still had and has childish behaviour. When she was sleeping with the guys, boyfriends or one night stands( in the most cases), she always was under a certain pressure of being good in bed and of satifying the guys because she lesrned this was the way to ged cherished and loved by males, something she wished to have so much since she was five, but never had. The first guy ever with whom she slept without thinking of how she has to be while having sex was me. And that is because she told me everything, because I knew it and she is somehow free since that. Now you will maby think, that I am lucky because I have this somehow calming explanation. Maby you know, that your gf slept around because she just liked to sleep around. But let me tell you, this does not make any differenceKnowing all the personal history of my gf does of course not change what she did and I still felt bad, because I still thouht that what she did was bad no matter why she did it. I came to thinking that she did bad stuff for some of the guys like swallowing, because she wanted to be praised by them. Than I started to feel worse again. Second step. What she did was not bad because it was nothing but sex. Start to be objective. Physically there is no difference if she slept all the time with one guy or she slept with 21 guys. So the act itself is nothing bad, just sex. Third and most important step. Your moral judgement, which you make because of what you learned, is that it is bad to sleep with so many people without knowing them and without loving them. For me it was the reason why she did this as I told you in step one, that she has a high sexdrive and that I also would have slept (and also did but not verry often) with girls I did not know. Ist fun, not like in an loving relationship, but it can also be nice. It is more easy for women to find someone to slepp with them so why should they not use their advantage? When she was without a boyfriend she wanted to get attention and she learned that having sex was a way to get that. She has a high sexdrive, so she wanted or also needed physical satisfaction. That ist natural and actuall verry nice form e now. She is sexually open minded, which is also verry good form e now. Than sleeping with random people is also normal and nothing bad as we all know, because we did the same. If someone didn’t do it, does not mean that it is bad, but that he only learned that it is bad, but thats wrong. Now it is verry hard to get to this point. You will have to tell your mind hundrets of times that ist was nothing bad, because of the reasons you have to find for your self. It can take you month, because you are stucked in the things you learned. Now you have to learn something else. It is like being told that the earth was round instead of flat. In the end it is getting easy. First start to be optimistically. You will get over it, you will have the best time in your life with your partner, because he or she is not changed by what she did and it does not matter now. Build up a big wall in your mind, that devides the present from the past. Look in to the future and what is possible in the future with her and without her past bothering you. You are the one to let it not bother you. You can get there and if you love her and you are willing to change the way you think about her past, you will do it by being persistent. You don’t have to be sad, not at all, not a tiny little bit. That is because it is not what she has done that is bothering you, but what you think about it. You can not change what she has done, but you can change what you think about it. You can learn it like you can learn other things. It is a verry hard mental exercise. But let me tell you, once you are getting over, you will feel proud of yourself, you learned how to deal with mental problems, you learned how to be optimistic. You will be stronger than ever before. It ist not only your partner who is worse getting past it, but also your pride. Now you have the small ego of a limited small person without nuts. You are easy, you judge the person you love, you are behaving like an asshole. You are destroing the best future you can have. That is pretty stupid, because it is not neccessary. You can have a great time with your partner like she did not do it, like nothing ever happened, but it is you who is destroying his own life. Grow up! Get over your ego and it will be bigger and better as ever before. Good luck!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2011): I haven't read all of the responses in this post, but much of it pertains to what I'm feeling.Firstly, I'm a female. I notice that all of what I have seen so far has been written by a men. Apologies if there are female writers I haven't come across yet. I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half now and we have a wonderful relationship. Over and over he has assured me I am the best girl he has been with - mentally, emotionally, sexually, and beyond - and that I have no reason to be jealous of any past he has had.When I started dating my boyfriend I had experienced only one sexual encounter about 6 months prior. I was tired of being the only one of my non-religious friends to not have had sex yet. I had lied about my past to new friends I made through my college years rather than just saying I was a virgin. In an age where we are told (and I believe is no longer true) that most lose their virginity by 18-20 and have 5-10 sexual partners through their 20s, it's hard to admit that we are still blooming. At the time of my virginity loss I was 22. I'd had some semi-sexual experiences leading up to it, but nothing that was all the way. As much as I wanted to have sex, I never felt like I wanted to do it with just anybody. Yet in the final months of my senior year I decided to "go with the flow" one night with an acquaintance of mine and followed him back to his apartment to have sex. It ended as a disappointing one-night stand. When I started dating my boyfriend I got the sense he had a few girlfriends before me, and apparently sex with them. Although I never asked for a specific number I gathered it was probably two to three. I made the mistake of putting pieces of a name and a birthplace together one night and found one of his exes on facebook. Let me say that no matter how strong the urge, do NOT try to find information about ex-partners of your current partner. I'll never forget what that girl looks like now. I thought I was fulfilling some need I had to discover his past, but it made matters worse.I spent several months agonizing over his past sexual experience. Although his comfort level with sex when we first started should have shown me he must not have had much before me, despite his number of girlfriends, I still felt inadequate. He knew how to do things I didn't, he made comments about things I had not yet experienced. I couldn't stop thinking about his ex-girlfriends and the things he had done with them - even loving them, perhaps - before he met me.I think the bottom line is that we all feel sort of cheated when our partner is more sexually experienced than we are, even if it simply comes down to a number. I felt that somehow I was just one in a line of girls, and that if he hadn't been dumped before he would still be with one of them. I constantly wondered how he compared me to the others, how much he thought about them, and what it was like the first few times he had sex. How wonderful it must have been, and how it would never be that new with me. I was jealous that he had once been young and carefree, and I had not. It made me nauseas to think of who he had touched and who had touched him. I am in the process of healing, but reading similar stories helps. It particularly helps when I see non-religious stories, though I have nothing against those that are religious. I feel very much a minority being a non-Christian girl who was "late" on sex, and feel badly that my boyfriend with very similar values was able to put his aside to have certain experiences before me. I often wonder, "Why didn't he wait for me?" As many people have told me, he just didn't know I was coming.I am happy now. I know my boyfriend loves me more than anything in the world, and tells me constantly. There isn't a cure to the insecurities we feel. We have created a mental block based on our own anxieties and personal history, and that probably won't completely vanish. Yet we can take power over our insecurities. When we are faced with a negative image, we have the power to replace it with a positive one. When we can begin to train ourselves not to think of a negative past but of a positive future, we can start to rewire the pain. I try to believe in fate, telling myself that my partner was meant to be with this many women: if I had been his first, we would no longer be together, and that somebody else would be his true love at girl number three or four. I see myself waving goodbye to his ex-girlfriends, knowing they will always be there but allowing myself to let them go when I can. Sometimes it even helps to see his exes as kind girls like me; it seems easier to think of exes as terrible people, but then your partner seems a bit more terrible for being with them. When his past is kind and sad it makes it easier to remember that he is a good person who just took a slightly longer road to get to me than I did to get to him. In the end, focus on love. Find the one you love, and love them with everything. Remember that while sex is intimacy, true intimacy only comes with true love. People may have a lot of sex and may fall in love a few times, but at some point they will find one person with whom to reach nirvana, and if that's you, this in itself is like losing virginity. When you touch the sky, transcending above sex and infatuation, you get to experience something with your partner that nobody can ever say they had before.Thank you for sharing your experiences and allowing me to share mine. I hope we all can cope with how we feel and come to a point where we love ourselves and our partners.
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A
male
reader, Strange1 +, writes (13 January 2011):
I've been reading this column off and on for about 6 months because of a similar situation that is happening to me. I am really looking for some help on this. Please take a moment and lend some advice, it might help my life. Thanks in advance!:)
I'm 30 now and have been with my girlfriend for over 2 years. I met her when she was 20. About a year and half into the relationship she told me how many people she had been with before me. She said between 20-30 guys. Since then, I've been depressed on and off and my stomach has been in knots. At least that's what it feels like. Hopefully, this will pass. But it's been a really difficult road to say the least and I'm losing hope it will get better. And she has no idea how bad this has affected me.
This all started one night when we went out to meet up with one of her high school friends. While hanging out, this friend made a comment to her like, "Man, you were such a player in high school…" And that caught my attention because up until this point I never got that vibe from her at all so never worried about it. So, at the end of the night we went back to my place and I brought up the comment that her friend made earlier in the evening and what that was all about. She said that she had made a lot of mistakes when she was younger, that she wasn't that way anymore and was not like that around the time she met me. I asked her how many guys and she said I wouldn't be happy. I kind of chuckled saying "why wouldn't I be happy" etc… then she finally told me and she was right. She said that she wasn't happy about it either. She wouldn't tell me the exact number and asked why does it matter. My insides kind of felt queazy and I barely slept that night and for a few nights afterwards. It was the worst. I expected her to say 5-10 maybe since she was only 20 when we met. She said she never thought sex was that big of a deal. That she didn't want a relationship and dated jerks because they don't get attached and generally became friends with the nice guys. That they "just added up.."
At the VERY beginning of our relationship, I asked her how many guys she had been with. She replied saying something like, "don't you know never to ask a lady that?" We laughed it off because things were light hearted at that point. But a couple weeks later or so we had a conversation one night where she revealed to me that she had been taken advantage of at a party one night by a 28 year-old when she was 15. She said she was really messed up on drugs at the time and couldn't fight back and basically gave in. This conversation started when I asked her how old she was when she lost her virginity. She said that it didn't affect her. Mind you she was upset and crying when she was telling me this. By the way, she lost her virginity at 14. I asked her in a very gentle way how it affected her and if she slept around more or was afraid to get intimate etc. to which she replied "no, it didn't really affect me..." Also, just to note: her parents divorced when she was maybe 11. And her dad was a drunk and in an out of jail for for a few years.
And time went on for a year and a half until we met up with her friend from high school that night as I mentioned above. After she told me the number my feelings for her have been a huge struggle for me. In my mind, I immediately wanted to break up with her. I was repulsed and shocked. But I took a breath and told myself I would never forgive myself if I broke up with her over this. So, I decided to tough it out and rationalize it somehow and make a decision on what to do when I calmed down again. I guess that feeling never calmed down. I have never felt as comfortable with her as I did before she told me. Sex with her in general was always kind or mediocre. Before she told me how many guys she was with, I thought her inexperience was cute when she didn't really know how to be passionate with kissing and caressing etc. Now I realize she never was with anyone long enough to learn how! She notices at times lately that I become moody and unresponsive. I brush it off and "oh nothing, I'm fine.." I have asked her a couple times about her past to help me rationalize it better and it usually helps. But I noticed she gets frustrated when I mention it and kind or rolls her eyes when I bring it up. Now, I'm afraid to bring it up at all and haven't in a couple months.
I was starting to deal with it better until August when we were at a party one night and I noticed some body language between her and this guy whom she was friends with. I met him a few times before with her at other things and didn't think anything of it. But this night was different. It was so unconscious on her part but the body language was there. To me it looked like they had an on/off thing going before. It was that obvious to me. I asked her about it later that night and she said that they just kissed at a party once. Then later that night she came out of the bathroom saying "I lied…." And, I was right all along. She should have come right out and told me. Then, it happened again a month ago with another guy where she lied to me to downplay the situation. Granted they're little white lies but it hurts. Because now I feel I have to go back through the whole relationship with a fine tooth comb and replay conversations we had where she might have lied a little to protect me or her for that matter. I wish she was straight forward. But I understand why she does it. She really loves me and feels ashamed about her past probably. Now I think every guy she's friends with has fooled around with her!
But now, it's a struggle for me to even sleep with her. It's getting pretty bad and I'm not sure what to do. I have never had this situation with any of the woman I've dated in the past. I'm normally very comfortable and confident with my sexuality but not since this. I don't nearly have the number she does but I'm no saint either. I've slept with 5 including her. I've fooled around but sex is important for me and shared with someone whom I care about. The day I found out, I got checked for STD's and I was clean across the board. We still use condoms and I don't see myself feeling comfortable enough in the near future to stop using them even though she says she's clean.
The way I feel is making my life a struggle. I don't think it's that I'm insecure because I'm certain I'm a better a lover than anyone else she's been with. It's obvious from the way she acts. I think it's that I'm grossed out and think about how easy she was and the things the did with all those guys. And, it's a catch 22 because I feel so guilty for feeling this way. I'm supposed to love her and show that. I also feel a bit betrayed because I found this out 1.5 years into our relationship. I never would have gotten involve with her as shallow as that sounds. It scares me to think what would have happened if I found this out after we got married with kids etc. It's big mess right now and I'm not sure what to do. There's nothing I can do to change the past. I have to change myself, I understand that. But is it WORTH it? I mean, what was the purpose of me being picky about who I sleep with?
She is an incredible, caring, intelligent, insightful, funny, loving person. You would never get a sense about her past. And my friends that know us are shocked when I reach out for their help on this. She's kind of nerdy, shy and socially awkward at times. And I realize now we seldom have sex when she is sober. Which may be a big clue as she was a big party girl until she met me. I don't drink at all.
Because of this, I feel like I'm not moving forward. I'm not convinced I want to marry her. I'm not ready to move in together. This has put a big damper on a lot of things. So, if anyone out there can lend a moment for me I would forever be thankful! Thanks!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2010): These are great posts and a very fascinating subject! One thing I feel strongly about which I think is wrong and I think others should too in this era of anything goes, is the way our society now makes people more obliged and likely to have sex outside of marriage, due to peer pressure the media or whatever you want to blame. Generally speaking and regardless of numbers of partners that these woman have had (men also). The norm is sleep with anyone you get a chance too or you find attractive but then they go on to the one you love and really feel for and expect to get loved unconditionally and get married. There are and always will be exceptions where the circumstances were uncontrollable but the majority of the time there is no excuse for sleeping with a number of partners. Some of these woman (men as well ‘before I get attacked’) cant even stay celibate for a short period of time or make their new partners wait they just get straight onto it, I mean come on have some standards ! When THE ONE arrives its ‘but I really love you more than anyone else’ yes that may be true but its all bullshit, if they had enough dignity in that sort of way they would have controlled their sexual urges for the someone special. I know a good marriage is full of give and take but these guys who fall for people with past sexual relationships are expected to forgive, forget, love unconditionally and marry these women who have been reckless, why the f**k should they. Again there will be exceptions but I am getting at women more here because they ultimately let it happen, men are just programmed to dog most things and most of the time brag about it, but it seems there are also women who do this now but to a much lesser extent. Marriage has lost its meaning over the years it’s just another one of the boxes to tick in life now for a lot of people, it is obvious to see with the amount of divorces that happen. Do you self a favour leave marriage for the two people who feel spiritual about it and who are actually very self disciplined and who have some dignity. I know you didn’t mention marriage but that is where things seem to ultimately go with relationships so my advice is just enjoy your relationship for what it is, love each other dearly, stay together for life stay faithful to each other forever if it is what you both desire. Its not easy I now but FORGET ABOUT the fairytale ending or perfect woman its not realistic.
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male
reader, John1974  +, writes (21 December 2010):
This is very interesting as I too have been going through the same as a lot of guys here. Graphic images in your head take over your life, you can even look at your beautiful woman with out thinking how could you. I too think it is just a result of modern living and how times have evolved or de-volved in certain aspects. In general are people really happier now than they were many years ago when people used to wait for marriage to have sex. I would love to have met my partner on these conditions, I can honestly tell you that or life would have been even more special. But sometimes you just have to make the best of a bad situation and reading about everyone else’s circumstances does kind of help a little. Dealing with something that you feel strongly about and you can’t do anything about is extremely tough and I think one of the highest form of stress.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2010): I find myself feeling the same way. My relationship is amazing, for as crazy as everyone thinks it is. I'm 22 and my fiancee is 54. She's had many sexual partners in the past and it bothers me still sometimes. But when I'm with her nothing can get me down. One sexual partner cheated on her and gave her a incurable dease… which unfortionitly I got too, even though she told me right from the start. I love her that much! I thought about her past sex life and would become very angry. But it is the past and everything happens for a reason. I see her now as someone that was looking for the love of her life and it just took her a lot of bad relationships to find me.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2010): You don't need my story guys...but this is my conclusion: who am I to forgive her though? I mean, I'm not an almighty god, I too have made mistakes...I flirted with girls and felt them up...I have had fantasies about multiple...over 100 women...(guys don't bullshit like you never have) I've looked at porn...yes I do masturbate being a guy...I don't know...I can't say that I do...I do know that I care about her...Thing is, anything you look at in life just depends on perspective...I mean even after doing sexual acts with those guys she still couldn't handle me! =P Ha...maybe she needed a couple more to get to my level.lol The night I gave up my virginity, she actually bled...and she told my I'm really big...which I don't believe still..but guys I have to say...those other guys must have had really small dicks...lmao...I mean if you keep looking at the past and fretting over stupid crap, then you can have an endless list...Aren't some of you guys happy that you shared your virginity with someone very special? Plus your virginity isn't something you take, but something you give...the beauty of it is, that once it's gone that's precisely what it is. You guys are treating it like some kind of guarantee to a perfect marriage. We all know theirs no guarantee, so you have to take your chance and make your own judgments. I mean if you hadn't made the mistake of having sex with that girl you'd never be her in the first place right? And your mad at her for making the exact same mistake? You can either take this and use it for the best or for the worst end of the day. I mean now I love her and she loves me and what matters isn't the sex, but the emotional connection during and after. Looking into that persons eyes knowing that you care so much about them...you know what guys I don't know about you, but I don't care about how many guys any girl has been with, just as long as when she's with me we aren't just having sex...but making love too...of course we can have fun on the side : P but who cares about that stuff, its just a pill to a temporary relief, when love is the real cure.
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male
reader, Alec B  +, writes (27 October 2010):
Am I being totally ridiculous guys?
I am turning 20, and lost my virginity to a girl I've been with for a year now. She made me sit through, boner in hand, an extensive waiting period of around 3 or 4 months before we rounded home. Her sexual history is not, based on what I'm reading, remotely bad compared to the standards set on this forum. I admire the gents on here who, while struggling, look past their girlfriend's numerically high and often twisted sexual history because they like the girl that much. Instead of saying "I don't know how they do it" as a poster did below, I'd rather say "good job doing it, providing you trust this girl." Don't get stuck in a situation where you really don't think the past is exactly that - the past - and you aren't sure if her slutty ways won't continue behind your back. Warranted or unwarranted, if you don't trust the girl, get out of it now before someone (likely you) gets really badly hurt.
To that end, I do really trust this girl. Her sexual history includes a boyfriend of a year, and one boyfriend of a little less than that for a total of two. It's self contradictory to complain about having sex with a boyfriend that you trust (unless you're happy snuggling every night), but the difference is in the idea of expected sex versus cheap sex. The thought of a one night stand - which seems to apply, in multitudes, to 90% of the cases here - would kill me, so good on those that can deal with it. She is the anti-one night stand girl; from what I know she made each of her two ex boyfriends wait, and has never even as far as made out with a guy that she wasn't in a solid, established relationship with. These words are music to the ears, but the manner in which she lost her virginity to her first boyfriend at age 16 is what still eats away at me when I unfortunately stumble upon thinking about it. When I do, it takes me a while to get it off my mind. 16 seems entirely too young for me; she admits it was too young too and would love to take it back, saying she was pressured and caved not knowing what she was doing or the significance she now attributes to it in hindsight. She dumped both of her boyfriends because she doesn't put up with anybody's shit and is a very strong and independent girl, but it's that feeling of cheapness or undeserving access to that area of my girl who wasn't ready at the time that bothers me.
I don't know how much of this is my own inexperience. I not only first lost my virginity when I was 18 but I was a late bloomer; at 16 (the age when she lost hers) I was still extremely innocent to the thought of it all, but my voice only finally changed when I was that age, whereas she was that girl that developed way ahead of her time and had boobs in grade 7 that were making little confused 12 year old boys' bare dicks rise.
It is entirely all in MY head that this past experience cheapens the present and detracts from the meaning of the current relationship. She really does make me feel special. I know she only had sex with the first boyfriend once or twice because she wasn't comfortable. She was that principal's daughter (literally), overachieving 90s student with all of the extracurriculars during her second relationship with a guy who lived in a different town and had a laughably small package, apparently. Without bragging, I pack a bit of a punch down there, and you can tell I've opened up her world sexually in the frequency and quality of the sex we have now that she is on her own, away at school with me. So I know I am being irrational. It's the thought of some dickhead 16 year old kid pressuring the girl I am HEAD OVER HEELS in love with into uncomfortable sex that haunts me at times. Call me crazy or ungrateful but the problem to me is real.
These words from an earlier commenter really helped. Cheers:
"Every day tell your girlfriend how beautiful and special she is. Tell her you love her and wouldn’t change one thing about her. Hold her, cherish her, embrace her, comfort her, respect her, protect her and spoil her. She is yours and you have a responsibility to make her happy. Start this very moment. Trust me, the feelings of sadness you feel when you dwell on these awful thoughts are nothing to what you would feel if you didn’t have her anymore."
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2010): Like others I've read in this thread, I find it healing that so many other men have the same emotions.
I'm compelled to add my story and hope it helps others:
My gf and I are both in our early 40s, so we've both had plenty of time to rack up some "experience" before we met just over 7 months ago. We have had a great and wonderful relationship, we have great sex which is both very erotic and very loving - a perfect combination of this in my opinion.
We are both in recovery, myself from alcohol (sober 6 years) and her mostly from meth (sober 5 years). According to her, I guess meth can really tweak one out sexually. More on that in a moment.
For me, I've been with about 11 other women, married twice before and my first wife was a virgin, second wife was with one man before me. My girlfriend never mentioned how many partners she had, but from conversations during our first five months of dating, it seemed we had a pretty similar sexual background. But, I have not had a sexual partner with as much experience as her.
So, about 5 months into our relationship, she had thought it fun for us to browse a sex shop online for some fun "toys" which was a turn on for me too. We were not together at the time, I was at home and she was at work, but I was looking at the website and telling her what I thought might be fun via text.
I had been thinking before this point that I would really like to try anal sex with her, thinking maybe she'd be open to it. So, we were texting back and forth about things we I was looking at in this online shop and I had mentioned that I'd seen some anal toys and wondered if she'd tried anal sex. Now, I shouldn't have done this via text, but it was "in the moment" so to speak. She was silent for a while then replied simply "yes". She then went on to say that she had done it quite a bit, but that it hurt a lot and she would probably not be comfortable with it again.
So, a fantasy roller coaster there - first I'm thinking "wow, she's done anal, that kind of turns me on" and then "damn, she doesn't want to do it with me.
I let it go after that, replying that no, I didn't want to hurt her so I would not want to do it. But, it kept nagging me "why would she do it several times if it hurt??" I brought it up to her when we were together and she told me that she had done it with two partners and in her earlier years she was really not comfortable with herself and did things she really did not want to do in order to please the men she was with for fear of rejection by them if she did not. Her last experience with anal sex was with a partner who was physically and emotionally abusive and who was basically feeding her drugs, so she did what he wanted.
Let me tell you guys, that is a really aweful image to get out of your head, other guys violating your love in a way you never will. But I still kept thinking in the back of my mind, maybe if she tried it with me, she would like it. Maybe the other guys were too rough with her. Again, I let it go. She mentioned this time when we spoke of it that she appreciated that I didn't "hound" her about wanting to do it. So, of course I felt I couldn't talk about it any more.
So, that festered in my mind the last 3 months, and over the course of this time she made mention of her husband's twisted eroticism and being really into porn openly. She mentioned more about him wanting to do pretty twisted things sexually, but she never really elaborated. Of course, after finding out about anal sex and then that there was potenitally other more deviant sexual activity in her past, well, my mind swam in that.
I have to admit, some of the images I saw in my mind obsessing about her past sexual experiences and what might have been both ate me up inside and also turned me on in a twisted way. But I didn't know what to do about it. I am completely and totally in love with this woman. Since becoming sober she has made an amazing transformation from a drug addict with low self esteem and emotionally reactive, to a wonderful thoughtful and rational person with a great sense of self and a beautiful, intellingent mind.
So the images I saw in my mind that ate me up didn't match with this woman I had come to love so very much.
Then, last week we were instant messaging at work. She had talked about how over the months of dating she had had some anxieties about our relationship. She has expressed how what we have is so different from her past relationships, how she feels so respected and loved by me, and how she feels so safe with me to express herself sexually. She was at first afraid to accept this, thinking maybe it was too good to be true or something, but she got through it. In this messaging stream she asked me if I had any anxieties and I told her the only thing was just some anxiety about her sexual past and we agreed we'd talk about it later in person.
I picked her up from work and I told her about my anxiety, starting with the anal sex. Now guys (and girls), this stuff had been building in me for some time and when I opened up, it came pouring out without me filtering my comments very well. I told her how I was disappointed that I could not go where other guys had gone (anally) and that dealing with the images of that and what my mind was imagining about her other previous sexual encounters (including a one night stand she had on her husband while they were married) was really disturbing for me to think about because I loved her so much and the emotions I felt were "icky".
What she heard was that I was disappointed that I could not have anal sex with her because the other guys "ruined it" for me and that she made me feel icky. She felt very betrayed by me in that I brought up the anal sex when I knew it was a touchy subject for her and that she confided in me about her past and felt like I was now throwing it in her face. She felt very disrespected.
So, then it gets worse.
We had a subsequent conversation one night before work about this and I said I just needed to know more about her "unknown" experiences that she had hinted at but never really gave me details on. Well, her husband with the twisted porn issues had convinced her to bring others into the bedroom with them. They had partner swapped and had 3 ways with other men and women. Now, she said this mostly happened under heavy drug use and that she never really wanted to participate, she did what he wanted because she thought it would please him, but she was probably a bit curious and twisted from the drugs too.
So, on the one had I felt a bit better about knowing more and she pretty much covered all the bases of her most deviant sexual experiences. But, now I had new graphic images in my head to drive me crazy.
I didn't sleep that night, the images were too much.
The next day, not wanting this to fester for the next few months, I said on the way to work with her that I had questions about these experiences that I needed answers to. I was really curious as to how these sexual encounters came to be, I mean, did he just say to her at dinner one night, "honey, next time we have sex, lets invite Don and Suzie to join us, shall we?" I mean, how the hell is that brought up? She couldn't remember, it was probably almost 15 years ago, but it was his idea. I also wondered about the logistics - did two guys do her at once? Was she with a woman? I didn't ask about the two guys, I wasn't sure I could ask that respectfully, but I did ask about the woman and she said she had been sexual with one but did not like it. I still wonder exactly what they did, but I cannot ask her any more questions. During this conversation that morning she just shut down. She later said she felt grilled by my questioning.
So, now I have killed our once thriving sex life. We've had sex once in the last week and it was very awkward. She says she doesn't know how to "be" with me sexually right now. She thinks it will heal in time but she's not entirely confident. She also admits her reactions to my questions were not healthy and that she now understands that many men have these insecurities. She suggested I watch a movie called "Chasing Amy". I did see a snipped of it posted on YouTube and the dialogue in this scene totally captured my feelings about her past. If you guys are struggling with this, I highly suggest you watch this scene: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PBlA_fsi_VE&feature=related It really helped me think about things. Guys - PLEASE WATCH THAT LINK BEFORE YOU MAKE ANY DECISIONS ONE WAY OR THE OTHER ABOUT LEAVING YOUR WOMAN OVER THIS!
I have no desire to leave this woman. I have a relatively colorful sexual past myself - I have had a 3way twice (although it was more like "my turn, your turn" and not at the same time) and I've had anal sex with my first girlfriend. But I've never had a one night stand, never been with a dude, and never cheated on my wives (had 2). I think we will get through this and I hope to God my insecurities and my questioning about her past has not permanently shut her down to me sexually. I mean, really, I don't know why my curiosity/insecurity would do that to her except for the fact that she has done a lot of work to move past her own shame and I kind of dug it all up with my questioning probably making her feel shameful again about her past experiences as much of it she did to please others. I love her so much and I really want to have back what we had. We are still together, but things have not gotten back to normal yet. It's only been less than a week that we first talked (when I really opened up about my insecurities) so I think more time is needed. I know she loves me, and like the line in the movie I linked above, I know she wants me now and not those other guys or deviant experiences. She has told me she just wants a normal, healthy sex life now, which we had, and I hope we get back soon.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2009): I just found this post and read a few replies and thought that I would add my two cents worth. The question is over 4 years old but many keep answering it. I married late and thought that I married a virgin. I am a religious dude and so was also a virgin. I did have a few encounters with girls that I thought that I would marry but it never worked out. Yes, the opportunity was there a few times but I refused as Love making is the most important part of marriage; What should be a privilege for marriage is now just another sexual encounter as once one has had sex with someone, then having it with their life partner is just another sexual encounter. To those who have had many partners, they will deny this, but look how their marriage develops; their wife’s' past is always on their mind unless he was also a tramp. The expression is “If you get the milk for free, why buy the cow?” If you’ve already experienced the pleasures of marriage, why marry the girl and take on responsibilities. You will find that often people will have affairs just for the sex with no ties. So why marry?
I have been married for over twenty years. It was only shortly before I married that my wife told me that she had a “past boyfriend". I was devastated but as a religious person, I could understand my wife turning her life around (drugs too, causing mental illness) and becoming a wonderful pure religious girl. I thought that I could overcome this small matter as she was in love with him and they did plan to marry after going out since high school but she became religious and he was not moving that way. Anyways, the first time we were together, she just got right out of bed and went for some food. The next few times, she was only interested in my satisfying her. I felt used as she refused to hug, cuddle and stay together after "making love". It was if I was the woman and she the man in the relationship. It was only by accident several months later that I found out that she had had many "flings" and one night stands during her earlier years. I almost died. During our first year of marriage, she would complain that every time I touched her, this meant that I wanted sex. This was nonsense. But now, it started to make sense. She had been in a number of relationships where sex was the motivating factor and she now saw me in the same light as just another person who wanted to have sex with her. I should point out that she was "drop dead gorgeous" wearing size 4 with a perfect figure who could be anyone’s pinup girl.
In my religion, sex before marriage is taboo BUT once you are married, anything goes i.e. what was not holy before, is now the holiest relationship that there is. For my wife, she never saw this. She was in love with me in the beginning, as she probably was in other relationships but it slowly ebbed away. Yes she loved me but not “in love". Well, the most important part of the relationship is to build a family; and that we did. We have beautiful children. So what has this to do with the question? Well, over the past few years my 92 lb wife grew into a 150 lb wife (large stomach but the rest is still great) and yells and screams at me no matter what, even by calling me on the phone to complain about something. She never greets me when I get home as television is more important and preparing dinner more than 2-3 times a week is too much for her. There is never any tenderness in her voice and whenever we are together with promises of more to come in a few hours, she pushes and pushes me off for a week or more with not even a kiss. She throws things at me and has even come upon me with a fork and dull knife over the years. I was considering divorce but was holding back because of the children. I should point out also that she is Bi-polar and had very strict parents which effect her greatly; she is not only always tired because of the meds but is also always very angry and becomes angry in mid sentence. These two factors probably led to her seeking "love" from other men so that she could dominate the relationship and find love that was lacking at home. Over the years, she told me about a number of her loves hinting here and there. But lately I decided, that her illness and family background played too much of a roll in her life making her behaviour difficult to control and that I SHOULD CHANGE on how I react to her behaviour (usually ignoring the yelling and going for a walk not to get into a fight) and understand her moods and actions. I.e. if she wanted a messy house then fine or if she wanted to go out even though I was tired then fine, as she needed this activity for her mental well being. This is called consideration for your spouse. But I could still not understand why she could not cuddle or to kiss or let me touch her sexually very much or for us just to sit down together and talk; (by 6:30-7 PM for the past 15 years she would rather veg in front of the TV than be with me though lately she has tried to sit with me for dinner a few times). This past week, I made a very conscientious decision that I would NOT divorce her and try to work on the relationship and so I resolved to take her away for a few days. A few days ago, we started talking and surprisingly, she stayed up with me to 1 AM and did not go to the TV. We again talked the next night. I was starting to fall in love with her again. Then yesterday morning we started to talk again and for some reason her past came up and I told her that those Drs. and clergy who say the past is the past are WRONG; especially for me. I wanted to share my whole life with her and with no secrets. I did not want to keep thinking in my head and fantasizing and that her past secrets were impeding on our relationship. I had prayed that she would finally be honest and really open up to me and to my surprise she did. Well let me tell you, I had thought that she may have slept or had a sexual encounter with 10-15 guys and mostly in her younger teen years. What came out now was confirmation of some of those people, but in fact there were a lot more. She, to my pleasant surprise even gave me details of how they met, where they went, sometimes what they did and she even remembered what one guy said in the heat of passion; this was over 25 years ago. As she said to me, that when she became religious a few years before meeting me, she gave up some things and others only later (i.e. sex). I mean, she slept with her college teacher (s), her bosses, salesman who knocked on her door. No she did not just invite them in but dated them and always felt that if a guy takes you out and spends money on them that if they are attractive, then a good sexual evening was in order; but this was not the case once we were married. Often we would go to dinner or a movie but when we got home she would tell me point blank that taking her to dinner doesn’t automatically come with going to bed with her! Now we are talking about my wife her and not just a date!!
All through our marriage when I would try something in a sexual vain, she would say “I don't do that or I am not a Prostitute and occasionally in conversation she would state that she is “ not a slut”. I asked her last night why she says that. In truth, I told her that was a slut at the least and in truth a type of prostitute or call girl because though she told me she never took money for sex, ( as far as she remembers) but she did more often that not give it for those who took her to dinner or dancing or provided friendship. She needed love and friendship because once she left her home town, she had few friends. She made friends more than easily. Often these people stayed as friends but her other side needed the physical love as she did not get certain love and respect at her parents’ home and seaked them out elsewhere.
I think that she is still not telling me a lot but over time she will as it is important to our relationship. What she doesn’t understand is that she enjoyed her behaviour and really doesn’t feel badly about it nor does she care or understand how I would feel about it. She thinks that it was in the past; but so was her going to Disney land or similar events and she does talk and reminisce about these things to me. What she fails to understand is that when I look at her breasts, I am looking at my live-long partners breasts and when I touch them I want them to be mine; we became one flesh and in that vein they are mine not as a chauvinist but as a loving husband. But I will always picture some of the other guys (many of whom I know personally) holding them and kissing them etc. To a certain degree, I like the thought and am even turned on by it. Even picturing the guys having sex with her is a part turn on. But at other times it hurts;( not the sexual act in itself, but the personal relationship she had with them and the fun things she did with them and probably not with me and even with me, then it loses its uniqueness and part of love-making and becomes just sex.) Especially when she places limits on our sexually contacts; because she cannot see me as a lover but as another sexual conquest, I get frustrated and the feeling of love disappears. I will never feel completely positive about myself obviously because she was penetrated and penetrated and penetrated over and over and over again by many “unimportant guys” whom she met in passing so what difference does another penis matter? This feeling will never go away UNLESS she makes a conscientious effort to make me number one. This is difficult because, as I just said, she doesn’t see her past actions as having any factor in our relationship; again, she may want to make love but in fact for her it is just another sexual encounter and this is how she acts. It took over 10-15 years before she would even let me look at her as she was reaching orgasm; to her this was a very personal time which she did not share with her other partners, so why would he feel that she had to share it with me, just another conquest and not her special soulmate; sex to her was just part of life and not special to marriage. In fact, I felt, and still do feel that she got married to stop having sex but just ot have someone who would constantly give her orgasms. This cannot change but we just have to work around it. It is up to her.
So your 15 + 6 is a lot but I would guess that mine is closer to 30 to 40. Her treatment of sex even in high school was very non-chalant as in one of our talks she told me that we did it with this guy a couple of times and it was no big thing because it was the 70’s.
So how do I feel! At this time, I want to know more details for example, when I have wanted to have shower with her which of course would lead to sex, I am almost always rebuffed. Except for maybe two times at home and two times in a hotel that is all I have been able to get in over 20 years of marriage and even then, she did not stay long in the shower or bath and we never finished there. I asked her if she ever showered with her other lovers and she said no BUT I did not ask about sex in the shower. I do know in fact that she did have a relaxing bath and romp with her boyfriend so obviously she is not willing to tell all the truth now.
So how do I feel after divulging my inner most secrets about the girl that I, on the one hand do not like that much and cannot stand her past life, but on the other hand is the mother of my children, beautiful and in whom I AM IN LOVE and with a love which is growing. She is not in love me me, and loves me only because I am there, an sort of good looking and a good provider and satisfy her sexually where no one else was allowed. She turned her life around just before she met me. The only problem is that “the desire or feeling of wanting or being with other men should not have stopped with respect foir her wanting to be a slut FOR ME. Certain things that she did routinely for other guys, she did a little for me in the first few months of marriage but stopped for the rest of our marriage until recently. Oral sex became a once in a year thing for about 30 seconds to a minute. After I would satisfy her she would want me to "enter" her to "join" her. She did not care if I was ready. This was because of her background where most of the men just wanted to romp and pound etc and finish. She told me that of the dozens of lovers, only a few every even touched her down ( I have great difficulty believing this) there nor even tried to satisfy her manually and almost never orally; this tells me that most of the relationships were short or one night stands as lovers would explore the next "dimension".
We are going to a hotel next week for a few days. I imagine that I will start to ask some more details, and she may or may not answer. What I found interesting is that yesterday, after our long morning discussion had ended and after I told her that I was proud of her for finally being honest and even thanked her, about fifteen minutes later, she came over to tell me funny story about one of her dates with whom she actually did not have sex i.e. to confirm that she did not sleep with all her dates. I found this very refreshing because it was honest and spontaneous. She later told me that the discussion had ""turned her on" and that she pleasured herself while I was at work. I was very happy to hear this. I should also point out that we are not having sex for the next week. At the hotel, I imagine that she might go completely wild (wet t-shirts for a bathing suit, shear blouses and lots of drinking/partying) and we will reseal our bonds like another honeymoon. I am hoping that our discussions will start to help her wounds of her childhood heal and her past experiences should benefit both of us. You must understand that here is woman who acts and looks like a young girl, who did not care whether the guy she hooked up was single or married (she said that she didn't care, what religion, creed or colour, gay or straight, married single). She lacked self respect and love and she searched for it wherever she could find it. When she finally found someone who cared about her spiritually she finally fell in love which though unrequited, taught her something; he was probably the first guy to ever refuse to sleep with her before marriage; they did do everything else BUT no penetration.
So how do I feel? Well, you can just imagine by this long answer that I am having difficulties with this. IF I had known about these newer revelations 20 years ago, I could say that time heals. If she would have treated me as a sex slave and lover then again time would heal. BUT she often kept me high and dry and only because I could survive without meaningful sex for long stretches that I have survived. The truth is that I want to love her. She says that I am living my life vicariously through her when she tell me the itty bitty details of her past. Probably true. BUT, ALL OF HER PAST HAS MADE HER WHAT SHE IS TODAY and I want to be part of it completely.
So to conclude, your girlfriend’s past will always be there to haunt you. You have 3 options; a) she will keep it her past and you will be shut out and as long as you have a great relationship and she makes you always feel special then you may survive HOWEVER, her comments such as you were great or I never did that before etc. will always trouble you so she will have to be careful, which she will not be.
b) She can tell you everything and you will try to work through it BUT she will have to be completely open and let you keep asking and she will have to keep answering so that your lives blend. c) You can just start over with someone new but here again, you can't start getting intimate with someone and them pop the questions about her past; you will just get hurt again.
In conclusion, the secular world pushes girls to be promiscuous and so men have difficulty with their wives. The experts say, "Do not discuss your past" but if there is nothing wrong with this behaviour, why not discuss it? BECAUSE IT MATTERS. You do not want to spend your most intimate moments with dozens of other men. When your wife screams with excitement, you want it to be because she is in love with you and your love making is making her happy and not that the screams are the same she had with Larry or Stan or the shoe salesman. When you try a new position, you do not want to know that it is not new for her or when you found out that she had a ménage a trois and can't remember all the details (she still has secrets), then this proves that it is not love making with you but just sex.... how can one differentiate it now.... she has a lust....
Because of my personal past and the great respect that I have for myself, I can just see all her actions as HER ACTIONS and that she was just at tramp and slut who changed her life and I should respect her for that. BUT if we are now one body and one flesh, then her actions are my actions and this is therefore difficult for me to take. Unfortunately, I will never feel great having sex with her and our love-making will never be the ultimate; partly because I know that lots of other guys satisfied her better in certain ways that I cannot and because I do not want to have " sex" with her. I want to make love to her but because of her past I do not think that she can "make love" because I am just the next one whom she conquered.
These are the problems which I am sure will be in your mind for sure (she will claim that the past is the past and that she never thinks about old lovers; this may be true for females who are genetically modified to be faithful, but I can imagine during some sexual action, some other thoughts will pop up or when you visit some places, she will be giving thought to those times) and partly in hers. So if you can't take it, GET OUT and get out quickly before you get hurt. IF you really love her and you see that she really loves you, then if she can keep reassuring you through her actions (not words which will seem condescending) and treats you like a king and you treat her like a queen and you do for her without asking anything in return, and vice versa, then try to continue BUT remember, a girl who has had 21 sexual encounters and is the same person as before, will always be interested in such variety. IF she has truly changed as mine did, then you do have a chance. I have offered my wife to go away for a vacation, or even go to a bar to dance with the locals for a change; I feel that her problems may need a little help... but she tells me that she is afraid that she will get picked up and has no interest whatsoever in anyone else because I satisfy her physical needs and am a great person. She has changed and so our marriage will hopefully work out and grow stronger (not that my pain will disappear overnight because as I said each new revelation is "fresh" and it was her mistake to not tell me everything) but yours.....I doubt it and would run to find a "nice and proper girl". Fortunately, sluts and tramps were the invention of the 70’s. 80's and 90's. The girls of the 21 century and starting to mature and respect themselves. Hopefully, you will find one of those.
Honest Advisor
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2009): The whole "past is the past" and "don't go there" is nonsense. As I dated my wife to be I found about most of her past just from comments made by her friends and family. It will always eventually come out. Maybe not all of it, but a lot of it will. But she tried to cover it all up through lies just the same. The real killer was what I found out after getting married.She went to give blood to the Red Cross (in Canada), it was in the late 80's during the tainted blood scandal. At the time you had to answer four HIV screening questions when giving blood:Have you had sexual relations with:1. Anyone from the greater New York City area (patient zero was an Air Canada steward stationed in New York2. A homosexual or bisexual man3. An IV drug user4. Unprotected sex in the past so many years (forgot how many)Well, she came home all freaked out because she had to answer YES to all four. These were things I new nothing about, too late now married. She told me, I beleive, because she feard the Red Cross would phone our home or send something in the mail. Here are the details1. Her and her girlfreind went to a bar, her friend explicity said she wanted to get laid, so off they went. Two younger guys from New York (this was in Toronto)picked them up went to a sleezy motel (mirrors over the beds,ect)and had side by side same room sex, sounds like a good porn movie2. On the rebound from one guy she hooked up with his bisexual friend, who she said adored her, and had an unprotected sexual relationship with him (KNOWING HE WAS BI!)3. She dated and fucked her brother's friend who was a drug dealer (and user). He got her into coke during this time4. Well, she had already admitted to at least 20 partners by age 28 (100% unprotected). Must of felt strange when I wore condoms when we first metWhile she was at it, she dropped another big one, may as well get all if it out of the way while your at it, she had a abortion having unprotected no birth control sex with some guy she was "crazy about"Finally, I wanted to move to an apartment complex across the street, the rent was much better. She was adamant she didn't want to live in that building, because her best friend lived there???? Yeah, right. Turns out, NO, she had an old "fuck buddy" living there and didn't want to be found out. Her girlfriend, see above, new this firefighter who was a real womanizer. He drove them home, her last, and she fucked him having known him 3 hours max. You couldn't make this stuff up!Past doesn't matter? Damn right it does, were talking marraige, a lifetime committment. The killer is I thought we settled everything before getting married, and it was a pretty tough experience (I came totally clean), just to find out more lies.We went to counselling and got the typical psychologist "the past doesn't matter" crap.There is no double standard. Women choose when they have sex not men, unless thier raped. Until women ask men out, women play the aggressor role, there is no double standard. I'm divorced and will never get married again, it's not worth it. Would I have married her if I knew all of this, probably not. That's just it, no one deserves to have their life impacted in this way. As others have said, there are consequences to your behaviour. Like a lot of young women she had her "good times" with all those aggressive, confident(in many cases arrogant) guys who say ANYTHING to get laid, I know many myself. Guys, nice guys finish last and never get laid until these women decide their getting older, usually pushing 30, and can't compete on the bar scene market. Yep, that's when they come looking for guys like us.Well, I'm not one of those finishing last nice guys anymore. And I don't believe the 20 number at all.Once again, the truth will out.Remember guys, their only as safe as their last partner. Stay safe, wear a sox.MOD NOTE: Wow... I actually read every word of that. So sorry to hear that.. !
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reader, pak +, writes (31 July 2009):
This is a very interesting thread, and some very interesting responses. Obviously I stumbled upon it myself from a Google search, after weeks of tormenting myself trying to find the right answer by myself and talking to a few friends.
Let me begin by conceding that if your partner has been promiscuous in the past - for example, as in my case, more than 10 partners in a 2 year period - she has done NOTHING wrong. No one has been hurt, no one's right has been stumped upon, and only adults capable of making a decision were involved in the acts. So if you are searching for an answer to tell you someone has done something "morally" wrong here, to find a finger to point to, something to dump your anger on and justify how you feel, then you are wasting your time, and will end up causing a lot of anguish for both yourself and your partner.
But how can you think about it? I do not have any answers either, and I don't think anyone does but yourself. But I will argue two types of answers, both at extreme ends, that I have read here are misguided:
1. Those answers that are based use religious and "moral" standards
Why? Because if you are going to use moral standards, then what absolute reference are you going by? The Bible or some other religious text? Ok, you could do that. But are you and your partner both orthodox enough to follow the bible its smallest points? If not, then wouldn't you picking and choosing what is just convenient for you? If you yourself are having sex with someone who you aren't married to, aren't you violating the principles at its core? Then you are no position to make a moral judgment.
2. Those answer that are based on evolutionary traits, male "hunter" and "alpha male" behaviors (see Yo's posts), how it relates to the jealously we may feel, and using that is a basis for our insecurity
Ok, fine. At least this one is scientific. But what it is doing is comparing ourselves to animals, and then drawing conclusions about our extremely complex human behaviors. It makes a broad stroke that says "just accept that you are just an animal, and then by understanding animals you can see why you feel and do the things that you do". This approach, instead of considering all the intricacies of human emotions, builds this overly simplified straw-man, and then hacks it to pieces. It doesn't acknowledge that if you are willing to explain some human behavior with those of animals, you should be ready justify just about everything.
My pet canary regularly raped it's "partner" with brute force, and also ate its own children. Now let's think if a human did how we should feel about it. Absurd wouldn't it be?
We are humans because we are able to actually acknowledge and be self-aware that we have emotions. We don't have instincts, we have power to choose what to think and make judgments. We listen to Mozart. We write about our feelings on this forum. We invented a freaking tube shaped thing with wings that can make us fly in the sky. And we just don't reproduce, we are capable of making love. That's evolution for you. We evolved, so why devolve ourselves when it comes to psychological analysis??
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Those points aside, I can make only a few suggestions, and argue that if you are truly disturbed with your girlfriend's promiscuous past, think about the following points:
1. Is it jealously, or is it the feeling that she is simply not the trophy girl you had hoped for?
The ugly truth is that if she gave herself easily to 15 other men in a short period, i.e. she shared with them the most physically intimate thing possible, the first time you guys had sex was a *LOT* more special to you than it was to her. That special feel of self-preservation, that ideal of sharing the most special thing about yourself with only those who are special enough is dead. Each man she slept with took away a certain "innocence" of her. The best thing maybe to let her go, and let her be someone else's problem. The past does have consequences, always. When she laid next to a guy after a one night stand, and let him do every appalling thing possible, can she truly lie next to you and say that what she feels for you physically and emotionally is still somehow sacred? You can be sure after you guys break up she will continue to do what she did in the past, and probably not even remember you. After all, you were just another of those guys, #15 out 15. Before long you will be #15 out 30. Would you want this kind of girl to be the mother of your children? Would you not fright at the thought of what kind of role model she would be for your daughter, or even your sons??
Now what if it is jealousy? Do you feel inferior to the men in her past? In my case, I can say that I do not. I have no reason. If anything, it is flattering to see that she fights so hard to keep me, while in a million years she wouldn't have done it for any of the other ones. But she doesn't get to keep me, she doesn't deserve it, and that is a consequence of her past actions that she did not foresee. When she was getting drilled by guy #14 in some cheap hotel in south America on a trip right before coming back home, did the thought that maybe the guy that will really want to love her will be disgusted by her choice? Well, no, too bad she didn't. So now I'm going to go on and look for that one girl (and you need only one) that is worthy to be mother of my children. I'm going to go snatch the really hard to get one, and I know I can. Why stick around when there are so much better out there? On the other hand, if you think you are motivated more by jealousy, then you also need to do some work on yourself. Make sure you are not using her as a scapegoat for your own insecurities. If so, that is the more reason to leave, because that is not fair to her.
2. Is your love blind enough?
They say true love is unconditional, that it can look past anything. In my opinion, that is BS. But whatever. If she is Mother Teresa in every other way, except for her past sexual acts, then you may decide your love for the person that she is can conquer everything else. I doubt it, since actions speak louder than words. My girl was an amazing person in many ways, and claimed to have many values, that is why I made love to her. But at the end, she just wasn't amazing enough.
3. Is this something that you really do want to get past?
Would you be happier if you could see sexual relations as casual as she does, and that way you would not be bothered by it? Or is this core value that you are not willing to corrupt?
If this is NOT really a value that you are willing to protect at any cost then yes, you are going to just have to find a way to think this sort of thing is ok. And probably the only way to do that is to sleep with a lot of other girls. Dump her, go on to google search for "Pick Up Artist" and spend hours and hours studying the audio books and stuff that will teach you how to be a player and be be prepared to go out a lot with the goal of hooking up with girls for nothing but sex right after another. And trust me, you will be able to sleep with a lot of girls. After all, this promiscuous girl was willing to hook up with you. You'll find lots of other ones just like her. They are the norm, not the exceptions. Yes, girls are just horny as guys, if not more. On the plus side, you will forget about her very fast since you will be having very quick gratifying fun, although probably not very fulfilling.
But if this is a value you want to preserve in yourself and not corrupt, then also understand that you don't have. You have that choice. The hardest thing to do in the world is to be truly selfish: that is, selfish enough not to compromise ourselves.
I say let this kind of girl go. You should remember you probably will not be able to find a virgin, but you will be able to find someone who didn't stain that extremely special act of intimacy by sharing it so casually with just anyone.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2009): There are going to be a lot of people who sympathise with this situation. And, there will be a lot of people who think it is ridiculous. The truth is it really doesn’t matter what anybody else thinks. If this is real and painful to you, then it is a very real problem. A problem that nobody but yourself can resolve.
I would imagine your girlfriend’s past would probably bother you whether she had 15 ex partners or 5. The first thing to remember is not to ever punish her for her past. She, like all of us, is only human. We are all here trying to do our best and find our way. Therefore, we will occasionally make a few daft choices in our lives.
The way to conquer this feeling can only be found within yourself. If you really love her (and I’m sure you do), then you need to stand tall and be bigger than the thoughts that are ricocheting around your brain. Instead of letting these thoughts get you down and make you sad, let them inspire you to be a super human boyfriend!
Every day tell your girlfriend how beautiful and special she is. Tell her you love her and wouldn’t change one thing about her. Hold her, cherish her, embrace her, comfort her, respect her, protect her and spoil her. She is yours and you have a responsibility to make her happy. Start this very moment. Trust me, the feelings of sadness you feel when you dwell on these awful thoughts are nothing to what you would feel if you didn’t have her anymore.
The past is dead and gone and we all must let go of it. All that matters is this very moment. Make a decision right now to be stronger than the weak and meaningless past. Life is really too short to worry about such things.
I hope this strikes a chord with anybody who is having feelings like this. Life is for enjoying. Enjoy it with the girl you LOVE!!!!!
Oh yeah, and remember to tell yourself every day how lucky you are to be in love. It’s a feeling that can’t be bought. Why are you still staring at this page??? Go tell her how much you love her……. And let the foolish feelings go RIGHT THIS MOMENT!!!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2008): how many women have you slept with? also, how old are you? the older you and she are, the higher the number of sexual partners you're likely to have. face it, like 99% of people has had sex with others than their current partner. almost no one saves themselves until marriage and that's just a fact of life. if you think 20 is too many, you've probably slept with far fewer women. While I've slept with over 200 women (I'm 30 years old), for a split second I felt like you did about the woman I'm with now (who I plan to marry). From what she and I have talked about, I think she has slept with 25-30 guys (she's 28 years old) It also bothered her that often when we went out, we'd run into women I had slept with. It's sort of natural that we are possessive of the ones we love.however, keep in mind that if she's with you now and she's been with men in the past, at least she's experienced enough to know what she likes and you're it!! I'd say, find the positive in the situation instead. Also, bear in mind that virgins are terrible in bed. While it's nice to 'train' them exactly as the way we want them to be, it's tiresome and takes soooooo much effort. don't worry man, enjoy your girlfriend and forget the past.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2008): Men value women for their chastity and beauty, while women value men for the security they can give. IMO, it's only fair that the sluttiest of women end up with the worst of men, meaning those who have no jobs and drinks all day.
I say leave her. You deserve someone a lot better.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2008): Only problem my friend is that its to late when you are trapped in a marriage!! I suggest either you do you!!! or move to the next person!!
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reader, AaronTJ +, writes (16 June 2008):
Ah yes, forgot to mention.
If your girlfriend/wife has done over 20 people, in my opinion thats way too much. All these guys who are with girls who have slept with 20+ and had threesomes and what not... i dont know how you do it guys.
My gf has had 2 one nighters and a 2 week fling and im already in deep depression.
If i were you'd walk away, plenty of other women out there with a lot lower number and lots of women out there who hold the same opinion of sex only in a loving relationship.
Ditch those slags, they dont deserve a Man like you.
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reader, AaronTJ +, writes (15 June 2008):
My name is Aaron, im 23 from UK.
Im having the same problems although, im some respects, my situation isnt as bad as a lot of people on this topic.
However in the end, im still in this situation and i have a word of two of wisdom to help.
Been with my girlfriend for a year and a half now. She is my first major love and i kept my virginity until i feel in love for real, i've only slept with one girl before and thats my current girlfriend.
She on the other hand has had 4 sexual partners prior to me.
her first boyfriend she dated online for a year, then he flew down from another country to visit, they had sex right away and he took her virginity, now she did this in the name of love, so it doesnt bother me too much, even though he did everything in the book with her, then broke up with her after 2 months.
After that she went out clubbing and met a Canadian dude, he ended up renting out a cheap hotel and they had sex.
This pains me the most because its a one night stand and in a hotel, its simply disgusting and having no value to your own self worth. Hurts me a lot knowing she stooped to this level and i know this guy would of got his moneys worth since he paid for everything.
After that she met a black guy from a dating site, they had a few drinks then they went back to hers, he happened to have a huge cock and they had sex.
Im mixed race myself and im not small, so this guy must of been huge.
After that she went to another city to spend 2 weeks with some guy, he paid for everything and she stayed at his house and she had sex with him.
On our first night she tried to sleep with me, i was planned as another one of her one night stands but she ended up falling for me, and for me at the time thought she was a decent and respectable girl, i didnt know about her past. She also told me it was 6 months since she had been with someone, when in fact it was a month.
I found all of this out about 8 months ago ? possibly a year ?
It tears me up inside every single day. Any little thing can trigger the thoughts off, most times its just there from the moment i wake up to the moment i go back to sleep.
It hurts to know these dogs have had their hands on her.
It hurts to know she's felt other men and held them close, these strangers!
She's taken away her specialness because she's been used so.
She's taken away my specialness.
My virginity means less.
Im not as exciting as i would of been since she's been with someone darker then me.
Im never gonna be able to give my girlfriend the sensation she got when she slept with the big guy.
Our first anniversary was tainted because she'd already been taken to a hotel.
Other guys have felt her special place and ruined it all.
This is no double standard, i dont sleep around, i believe sex is special and shouldnt be done outside a loving relationship.
I love my girlfriend to death, i want to marry her, i protect her, i do all the things and more the perfect boyfriend would do and she loves me to death, like someone else said, she literally would give me the shirt from her back if i asked for it.
And this is what makes it all the more terrible.
She is perfect except for her history. Its not as easy as "The Past is the Past" or "if you really love her, it wouldnt bother you" the only people who say this are the people that dont understand and its a poor excuse.
I dont think my girlfriend is a slag because she's only been with 4 people, to me its still a lot but nothing compared to a lot of other women. However she says she would of had more one night stands if we didnt get together, so maybe i got to her in time and she really is like that ?
She tells me now that she wouldnt do another ever again because of the pain its cased us.
However the only reason she regrets it is because it hurts me, she doesnt understand that she should regret it because of how much its taken from her and me.
I love my girlfriend more then anything and i love her with all i can give.
She's given me everything she can but at the end of the day its not everything because these slagmen have taken that away from her.
Now it boils down to the two options as always.
Break with her or stick with it and try conquer these thoughts.
First, breaking up.
Its hard to leave someone you love. Its hard loving someone who hurts you so much. If you've tried everything you can to deal with this and it still persists, you just arnt compatible as a couple.
Now let me tell you, there are a lot of guys out there who think sex is special, have high values for women and good morals in general and the same is for women.
There are smart and classy girls out there who dont buy into the slutty society image, they think just like you and they are out there.
There are girls out there who only have sex in a loving relationship. So dont go sticking with your relationship because you think you wont find anybody else.
Now, we all love our women so lets ignore the breaking up part for now and try focus on dealing with this.
First off is to admit, YES THE PAST DOES MATTER. You also need to admit to yourself that your girlfriend ISNT a victim. She always had the final say if sex would happen or not.
She brought herself down to that level, not anybody else.
You need to accept she has different views on sex... which hopefully would of changed by the time she has been with you.
(accepting doesnt mean being alright with it, accepting is just knowing and well..accepting it)
Now, onto the important stuff.
You are the fucking MAN!
Think about it, she's been with all these assholes but she's picked you. You're the one who gives her the best sex of her life, the most orgasms!
Your the one she seeks protection, affection and comfort from because you do it the BEST!
Not one of the other guys she's been with can measure up to you! Otherwise she'd be with them.
Your a BETTER man then they are, your sweeter, more charming, have better values and morals.
These other guys aint got fucking shit on you because your the king in her eyes.
If you use this, it takes away most of the insecurities which is a BIG fucking step to dealing with this.
Talk to your woman, communicate in a way that wont offend her and tell her how everything makes you feel, every single detail and she will hopefully understand how all of this makes you feel.
Then leave it there, tell her you and yourself that those other guys dont have a thing on you.
For me, I just got a new fucking ace job AND got into one of the top uni's in the UK.
From the age of 18, i trained myself up from nothing and now at 23 i got accepted by a top uni, while injured AND while i had a chest infection. For the auditions most people there had professional training and it was their 2nd try to get in.
I got myself a suit and from being unemployed for 3 years i went to a top end open day and landed myself a great job as a sales consultant.
I get to wear a suit, i make lots of money. I went through 2 interviews, 3 weeks of training and an exam and got 81%
Im fit, im strong, im smart, im good looking, i have a good sense of humor. I have the best morals and values any person could wish for and i did ALL of this by MYSELF, i have no father and everything i have I GOT FOR MYSELF.
All these pathetic dogs who have touched my girlfriend wernt worthy for her and they cant fucking touch me.
She's had someone who's bigger then me ? so fucking what, the asshole didnt know how to use it and he hurt her.
2 weeks ago i have my gf a 7 hit multiple orgasm and made her cum like she never thought possible!
She got taken to a cheap hotel for the night and banged.
That aint got a fucking thing on the hotel i took her too for our romantic night. 4 post bed, hot tub, tv, sound system, champagne, the lot.
The guy that had her for 2 weeks... You had my woman for 2 weeks and you could only make her orgasm once ?! LOL, i could make her cum by using my little finger.
Use the things that make you a great man and know that she chose you to be her knight because these other guys just didnt measure up in the end, You are brilliant men with good standards.
God speed on getting over this.
I sure as shit havent but thinking this way really has helped.
Go out and buy some new clothes, get new shaving kits and creams for your face, make yourself feel fresh and handsome and be all that you can be!
I came to this conclusion yesterday and it helped. I still find it hard and i still to this point dont know if i can continue a relationship under these circumstances but im sure as hell gonna try a little while longer!
Good luck Men!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2008): Biology is just not fair about this.
Men get these feelings about women (against their wills). And women most don't get them anywhere near as much, so they don't even understand & respect the pain and guilt that it's causing their man.
If most teenage girls could experience how their past will someday make their future beloved husband feel for just one day, they'd probably come out of it so totally shell-shocked that most of them would decide stay virgins until they're married.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2008): After reading 100's even 1000's of posts and sleepless nights and so many images and confusion and havoc...... it was all clear to me..... the one thing the most important thing..... I am human and so is she.... I made mistakes and so did she..... but all in all who am I to judge the woman I love and cherish.... It doesn't mean that it didn't hurt but occasionally I just have to remind my self that I am the man the strong one and now she can be sure that in her times of weakness I will carry us both... and that is why I am her man...and this is why I am here for her and only her....and so the story will continue....
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2008): hi my name is jose and you are so right man its so hard to forget is like you want to but it dosent let you and sometimes i feel bad cause i bring it up and it causes me and my girlfriend to argue. she lost her virginity to the wrong person it shouldve been me but she tells me it was a mistake but i think having sex 5 times with that person is not a mistake i think its a decision you make i love her to death and i really want to forget about this. she broke a promise that she was gonna lose he virginity to me but she broke it its like i cant forgive her it hurts me so much i want to get this out of my head but it just wont leave i need help!
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2008): Interesting question Steviosos, a tough one too.
I think most of us men feel this way not because of how it reflects on this girl, but because of how it reflects on our sense of Self. Our very identity.
Underlying your feelings are probably several lines of thought, and despite what you would expect, they are not necessarily logical either. Emotions and intellectualism are two different things. There is no reconciliation between them.
E.g. My girlfriend degraded herself, I am her boyfriend, therefore I am also degraded.
My girlfriend slept with many men, therefore as a man and a human being I am not worth being 'waited' for.
My girlfriend, by being with many men, cannot therefore have been loyal. I am now one of those men. Therefore I am not a man to whom it is worth being loyal.
The offshoots of these very fundamental thoughts are: jealousy, pain, anger, neediness.
And the offshoots of jealousy or neediness for example are, of course, a constant need for reassurance.
This newfound need this implies to our 'Self' that 'I am weak, I need to be supported,' and that 'I cannot live without this person.'
This often turns into a cyclical problem, a man spirals into questioning his core values. And thus he asks for more reassurance, the pain loops back into itself. This gathers momentum and beckons us to try.. just one more time.. to find that the 'one perfect answer', that one final rationalisation that will salve our egos.
This is the root of our pain.
Life is a harsh teacher, it tests you first and teaches you after.
Of course the easiest solution would have been to simply ask how many partners she had been with before you were too far gone. If you can't handle it, leave. Any man incapable of leaving a woman whose core values conflict with his own, even to his own detriment, must grow a pair of testicles.
If you do this, you will have 10 times as many girls, and those girls will be girls that YOU choose and YOU want.
Set your parameters, be secure in your core values, stick to your rules. Womens' feelings have a logic, but a logic set in a different context with different ultimate aims. Believe me, women will notice even if they don't know why.
What your core values tell me right now, is the best girl you can find has banged 15 guys before you.
And no one wants to believe that.
C.H
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2008): I have a similar situation... Some worse than others on this page, some not nearly as bad... This is quite possibly the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with in my entire life. I have searched for someone exactly like my gf... She is perfect for me in every single other way. She has prevailed where all of my past relationships have failed. She has made me so happy in so many ways, but this one thing... This one single thing... Seems as though it might be too much for me to handle.
She has been with 14 people, both men and women. Like quite a few people said here, its not that she has had sex before in her relationships, its that she has had cheap sex outside relationships... Mostly while under the influence of drugs. Cheap sex., where she was used groped by pigs and assholes... I so strongly feel that by being with her, I am in some way on the same level as those other men... But I do not want to be.
I am not a saint, but i am also not a whore... I understand how a one night stand can happen, because I have done it as well... But when you start racking them up, one after another... Something is wrong... I am so fucked up over this, I can almost not bear it anymore. I feel like an emotional time bomb... I can be smiling having a great time, but the instant I picture some asshole drilling my gf and her clenching onto him begging for more my heart sinks, my stomach tuns, and my eyes feel with tears...
How can what we have be special when she has shared it with so many others... How can I respect her when other men used her as a fuck... How can I accept that she was at one point of her life, a slut? What is even more confusing for me is how can I love her, knowing all of this?
I don't think it would ever be something I could get over with her... I have made similar mistakes, but nothing to the extreme that she has... She says that she regrets what she has done, and that it was mistakes... But, for her excuses I really do not care... Its like saying to me, im sorry that I ripped your heart out but I promise to never do it again... At that point, with her... I am already dead...
I have only been with her for about 6 months now... And recently we moved in together... For some reason I did not have as much of a problem with this until now... It has always been in the back of my head, wondering... But the other night she told me that one of her x's called her to tell her that she just might have herpes... She told me from the get go that she was clean, and had been tested... But now, I found out that she has not been tested since she slept with her last fuck... So, now she had put me in harms way of all sorts of things. She told me how sorry she was, and that it was the worse thing she could have done... And you know what, she is right.
She went to the dr... And she was clean, her x had caught them from his new gf... But this is the kind of thing that will always plague my mind. I thought that her past was her past, and that I should let it go. But how can I let the past go when problems like this still arise?
Obviously someones past is not something that you can just forget... For example, say that your girl once did something very notable and sincere to help someone else, something that you found very attractive and a good quality about her... Say it was 2 years ago, something she did quite a while back... Should you forget that too? Should that not count in how you see her? I think that someones past is something that makes someone who they are, and by saying that you can not let the past effect how you think of someone is rubbish. Now it may not be something to obsess over or focus on, but it should definitely help give you an idea of who that person is... Remember, just because someone says they are different does not actually mean they are.
Every time I fuck my gf I see how much of a slut she really is. At first I liked the dirty kinky sex we had.... But as time is going on, its making me more and more sick to my stomach to think that she fucks me like this, she fucked all other 14 like this as well... I am nothing special to her, she has robbed herself of that... I dont think I can deal with this any longer.
I fear that tonight when I get home, I will no longer have my gf.
Thank you all for your help, I wish you all better luck than myself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2008): The worst in my thoughts, is the fact that she slept with a married man, 10 years older, father of kids.
It's very difficult, because I can not stop thinking "how could she". For me, a married man is off limits. Completely unactractive (do you like someone who's cheating on his wife?).
She was on a foreign country, alone, with some spare time, and this guy came. He give her attention, what she lacked the most at the time. But she slept with him, she saw his kid, she knew he was married. When I ask her why it didn't bug her the fact he was married, she said : "it's entirely his responsability".
I can not agree. I asked her why she did that. "I wanted to try, it seemed really easy, I saw a lot of people doing it around me, so, why not me? He was really atractive and I was alone".
Wanted to try? And now, because of that, I have to think of a married man, father of kids, doing "it" with my love! She was disapointed after this story, because she understood that sex without love wasn't ment for her. But I don't see her really regretting it, if she regrets, it's more because it's affecting me. It's the worst, it seems. I don't hear a simple "I was stupid, I loose my mind" but a "oh, he was married, I prefered a married man, I didn't wanted to be engaged after beeing hurt by my ex, and with him it was no prob".
The fact that she did that, that she could, is always crossing my mind. Maybe if I was in her place, I would do the same, I don't know, but because of that, I can not stand jealousy from her.
How could a woman who slept with a married guy can even think of beeing jealous? No no!
It is really hard to think of her past sex life like this, it's not really a problem the numbers, is more "with who did she slept".
A note of hope : with the time passing by, and with some crazy stuff we made together, it's every day more simpler to ignore this "episode". To understand "how could she".
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2008): Amazing threadLike the poster and everyone else in here, I have the same problem.Almost every emotion, every feeling, every single dark, desperate, hopeless, angry thought I have had on this issue with my girlfriend, has been covered in here.I have no answer, hence why I am here.Reading through almost the entire thread, I can happily say that it has made me feel rather silly. I used to think 'oh woe to me, poor me, my girlfriend has done all this, I cant accept it, I cant believe it' and so on....Now, reading this thread, it has made me realize that hey, I am not alone. My situation is not unique. I am not dating the one promiscuous girl out there, while everyone else has the most perfect partners. Somehow, I am not stuck with the one and only 'dirty' girl. I have realized that she indeed is NOT dirty, that what she has done in the past is simply a common, common thing that so many other more men are stressing over. I think that this fact somewhat trivializes my issue.I thought I was the only poor fellow out there, but now theres thousands, we all have to go through it, it somehow makes it easier to deal with.The thoughts, opinions, scenarios, experiences etc. posted in this thread (including both extremes, the solutions telling me to STICK IT OUT and GET OVER IT and LOVE her, and the LEAVE her, DONT put up with it, END IT NOW advice) is brilliant.It has helped put me on the path to making a decision. Somehow, I think that this decision that I plan to make (getting over it and understanding that her love means too much to me, OR end it, and close the chapter of promiscuity that is haunting me) will be easier. By reading this thread, so many good reasons to go either way, has made the decision easier. Which ever way I choose to go, will be easier because the rationale behind the decision is supported by so many well thought out words here.I hope I will continue loving this girl. I also hope that I never have to think about the terrible imagery of her that tumbles about in my head again.Its going to be tough, but thanks to everyone, and every post in here. From the brutal truth, to psycho analysis, to the simple opinions in here. It has all helped me deal with it.I told my girlfriend and it made her so happy. I have been resentful, and punishing her emotionally due to my obsession. But she is so happy, because she sees I have made the effort, and am on the right track. Thanks to this thread.Brilliant. Thanks people.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2008): I've been married for eight years and not a day has passed that I haven't felt this gut wrenching feeling of revulsion at my wife's past. It eats me up on the inside, I feel such an enveloping anger and sadness which, try as I might I can't just shrug off. Thoughts of her with her ex boyfriends are like some hideous screen-saver that glaze over my mind at any given time of day triggered by the most oblique connections. And yet I still love her to bits and would never want to give up what we have. We have great sex and there is enormous passion in our marriage but in a way this makes it all the harder to deal with - if I didn't care about her it wouldn't matter. It is made all the worse by the fact that I know her last boyfriend - the guy's a sleazy little turd (even from an objective point of view - they were known as "beauty and the beast" when they were together). I just find it so hard to accept the fact that she would give herself to someone so worthless. We don't argue as much as we used to about it as I know how damaging it is and it certainly doesn't make me feel any better so I just carry the feelings within me - festering. I know a lot of posts go on about the hypocrisy of all this but women couldn't possibly feel this as deeply as a man. Some of the very things that a man finds attractive in a woman - beauty, purity, femininity are so compromised by the thought that another man has fucked her before. I just feel so sad to think that the woman I love so tenderly could have allowed someone to have their sleazy way with them. It sickens me to my core and bar having a lobotomy or being dractically hypnotised I don't know how to deal with it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 February 2008): It's helpful to hear other's thoughts. My 33 year old girlfriend has recently admitted to a history of having slept with more than 25 men, many of them married, and of having non-intercourse sexual relations with more than 50 more. My gut feeling is that I should end this but I've already fallen in love. Since she told me I can't stop wondering that everything we do is something she's done before and that it's impossible to be original.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2008): I just found out my girlfriend aint a virgin im kindof pissed about that but if u love her enough u can put that behind
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2007): mate,i was thinkin the same way untill i sat down and thort to myself "why am i thinkin like this" then i thort i should't think about it coz now she is wiyh me and that is all that matters. hope this helps a bit,good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2007): I am a woman who is in love with a man who has a very promiscuous past, yet he can't seem to leave my past alone. I have had six partners, including him, yet he acts like I'm a whore. He becomes jealous and angry at the thought of me having been with other men or at the possibility of me even talking to other men.This is a very unhealthy situation with couples. My suggestion to you and to all men is to let it go. If you love your woman and know that she is a good person and want her to remain in your life, you have to put aside your insecurities and jealousy and give thanks to God that she chose YOU! Hang onto what you hold dear. Know in your heart that her mind, spirit, and BODY now belongs to you and you alone.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2007): You got an option, you can move on now, or deal with. The sad truth is that what ur girl did was good compared to todays standards. I was lied to in my relationship and I also was with 1 prior to marriage and took it sacred. The reality is that its a hard sacrafice to make and the truth is that it is even harder to find one that has been with only one or a virgin now. I was tricked inot a marriage, so I had to "do me" if I was to stay married, because now whats special about it? My heart goes out to you. U have the option to accept, or find someone that has lived like you, which is not impossible, but highly improbaly. My heart once again goes out to u! Question is if u found out she lied after marriage, would u have divorced her???
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2007): hello, i am a 24 year old man. as with many of the guys on here, i have an extremely hard time dealing with my girlfriend's past sex life. i have always been a very moral and upstanding guy, especially with my sexuality. up until recently i had sex with only 1 girl, who was a girlfriend of 5 years whom i loved very much. i have even turned down drunken sexual advances by girl's who just wanted to fuck me (something i have been ripped on by some of my guys friends for doing). i beleive sex is sacred and should be special. i do not feel this way because i am unattractive or sexual inadequate. i do not want to sound arogant, but i am an extremely attractive, muscular and intelligent man. i am also very well endowed having a penis of over 8 inches so i have no insecurities about my manhood. i just have strong faith in God and deep rooted morals that i refuse to compromise.
the problem is this: my girlfriend of 24, who i love more than anything in the world, has been with 7 guys, only 2 of which were boyfriends. she is ashamed of her past and has even expressed that she regrets it completely and it meant nothing to her. she even expressed that with these guys she never even achieved an orgasm and comparatively to me, they were all "tiny". as our relationship progressed and we decided to have sex, (just my second partner at 24 years old), i couldn't help but get vivid images in my head of her with those other guys, two of whom i know. as time has gone on, it has goten even worse, i think about it constantly every single day and it has been driving me crazy, almost to the verge of crying. i love and respect her so much and when i look at her it kills me to think that some scumbag guys had their way with her and veiwed her as a peice of meat. her having sex with the boyfriends who cared about her bothers me, but not nearly as much as the other guys who just wanted a cheap fuck. i know the past is the past and poeple change, but the problem seems to get worse everyday. at times i almost find myself repulsed thinking about all the other guys who have used her.
please someone help me with my situation. i know some of you will say i am unreasonable, and i understand your perspective. if i was a guy who fucked alot of girls then i would have no right to be judgemental. however since i have only been with two girls, both in relationships and never had a ONS, then i feel that my emotions are valid.
i love this girl more than anything and i want to marry her, i just need help getting over myself and her past so i can move on and be happy with her. if things continue in my mind the way they are, i fear our relationship will fail, which would kill me. once again, someone please give me some words of wisdom and god bless the other men on this site, i share your pain and it hurts.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2007): The "don't ask" approach is psychologist's way to deal with a person who has had a slutty past, but the problem is that it avoids the issue. It is a form of reality denial. But deep down, one always knows that there is a "past", and that that past has prevented the present from being all that it could have been.
Its not just about sex. Its about slutty sex. A relationships with a person who has been married does not trouble one in the way that a relationship with someone who has has a slutty past does.
Women should realize that they do sacrifice their long-term relationships when they engage in cheap sex. The marriage will never be as good as it would have been. That is a major reason why there are so many divorces now. The bonds are weaker when there is that loss of fundamental respect.
Pretending that the partner has not had a past, or not asking about that past, is just buying into the game. It is sad that men have to compromise and give up what they would truly want in a marriage partner because women today feel the need to engage in a pornographic lifestyle (i.e., sex outside of a committed relationship). Again, its not sex, its the cheap sex that troubles many men.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2007): The way I avoided all of these issues with girlfriends' past lovers is by not asking her about it and not allowing her to ask me about it. My standard answer is, "I only want to know how you are with me, so there is no discussion here." And believe me, when girls with fewer partners are comfortable in a relationship, they can rock your world in bed better than the sluttiest of women, because they are doing it for YOU and not just themselves.
If you feel the urge to ask about her sexual past, fight it. Fighting that urge is a lot easier than fighting the images that enter your mind after you know the number of partners she's had. At the point when two people that care about each other are intimate, the past should be mostly irrelevant. I made a "don't ask, don't tell" pact with my ex that worked wonderfully and although I knew she had exes with whom she had sex, the images couldn't enter my mind if it was never discussed and we focused on ourselves. After time, the need to know dissipates and you are left with something that feels more pure than knowing you're one of X-number of men. Don't forget that she's number X of women you've been with, and that's only for you to know.
Men, choose woman that care for and know themselves emotionally and don't use sex as an emotional crutch or a manipulation tool. That just makes *you* a tool. Past sexual experience is okay, but why deliberately cheapen your partner by making her into a slut by the images you create in your own mind? The only other person that makes her a slut when she's devoted to you is yourself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2007): I am going through the same thing. I love my wife and I believe we bring out the best in each other and I dont want to lose her over this, but like other guys on this forum, I cant get the images out of my head. There are so many aspects of this subject that are bothersome. 1) As men we dont want to think of anyone with or girlfriend or wife except us 2) We begin to compare ourselves to her previous partners 3) The fact that 10+ guys banged her is disgusting, and in my case 4) she lied about her past for years until the truth finally came out recently. I'm still searching for answers on how to deal with this. When we are having sex and she's doing things or saying things, I cant help but think she's said that or did that with other people. She has said with other men it was more of an acceptance thing, she just wanted to be popular and fit in, so she gave it up and just layed there. If that's the case then where did you learn everything you're doing with me???? I guess I really dont have an answer to your question, just wanted to share that you are not alone in this. One thing that worked for me for a little while was focusing on the good times we have (non sexually) but then you get to a point where you need to have sex again and thats when all these images flood my mind with her in different positions and doing different things with random people or casual friends. Hopefully someone else can give a better answer because I cant and I struggle with this everyday. I even went to seek some professional help and that worked for only a couple weeks.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2007): I definately agree with you!!! The good thing about your sitiuation is that at least you know about your person's past. U have a choice to leave, and I would leave. The messenger above is 100% correct. Its your life and your sacrifice. Don't let anyone subject you to this liberal post modern nonsense!! As men have a primal dynamic to proctect their women, women on the other hand seek to nurture. She'll never understand you because she is a woman. You find someone that lived similar to ur standards, or maybe u may want to experiment also. But 17 men is to many, however, she was was honest unlike so many that lie to get their husbands and then the man is made to feel inadequate and guilty. Enjoy your life and find your queen, you deserve it! Its a high honor to perserve yourself in this foolish culture!
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2007): Don’t make a mistake. The obsession with her past that you are experiencing today will haunt your tomorrows; I dare say it will haunt you forever. You and the relationship will be like a pressure cooker without a relief valve. One day it WILL pop.Why should you have to live like that? If someone says you have problem and you need therapy and perhaps even medication I would say the same for them. Having self esteem and basic standards does not require the aforementioned. Who has time for someone else’s baggage becoming yours? I would say at least start on an even field with someone who has similar and mutually acceptable life experiences, long term marriage is hard enough without additional unnecessary encumbrances.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2007): Question to all the guys: if a woman had 17 partners and her 17th partenr is a love of her life but he can't accept her past what should she do? She was honest with him from a very stary , told him everything, gave him a choice but he still obsseses about the past. She loves him very much, realizes she made mistakes before, regrets them all and is a changed person now. However, his obssesions are slowely killing her imense love fr him. What is she to do? Should she just give up on a hope of a wonderful husband, children, family? Should she just shut herself at the age of 31. in the house and not have a right or hope for true love? She realizes that the promiscuous behavior is a cruel hoax planted on women and she regrets it very deeply. She is a changed person and wants to return to her spiritual virginity. So, will the gut that had only one sex partner stay with her? She loves him so much and want to give him her whole world but can't live with his obssesing. What is she to do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2007): I am having the same thing.I met my current girlfriend in a nightclub and we hit it off straight away. At the end of the night we jumped into a cab, went back to hers and had sex. Great?well I was shocked by how easily and quickly she jumped into bed. "Well you didn't exactly say no" my friends told me when I explained. Icouldn't help feeling I was just as bad, but somehow not to blame.I asked my brother, who is a psychologist and he said "there IS a fundamental difference in the wiring of a mans brain when it comes to jealousy. When man was a hunter gatherer the alfa male would try to impregnate as many females as possible to give the tribe more chance of survival. females who mated with many different partners have increased vaginal bacteria (check a smear test of a girl who has lots of parnters) that can cause various problems and can potentially complicate birth. We instinctively know this and have primeval aversion to females who have had multiple partners. For the male, the risk much smaller. Modern society has brought equality up to date, but it may take hundreds of years before we stop seeing messages posted on sites like this.Now my girlfriend has had 24 ONS, 2 threesomes MMF and FFM and 1 relationship of two months and she is only 21. I am 26 and I have slept with 18 women so I'm no saint, but the thought of all those men fucking my girl makes me sick. Well it did until I found a video she had made with her ex. It was rubbish. I had imagined her in all these porno style poses, frowning and groaning but it was actually boring and clumsy. the reality was nowhere near as bad as the thought. It was just my instincts kicking in and good on them. I don't know why but the consuming thoughts seemed to just just dissolve. It made my own chest beating seem daft and it was no more threatening as if he stuck his wet finger in her ear.Fact is, I love her and I trust her and we have the rest of our lives to completely dwarf her sex tally into nothing. In fact, we have probably done it already.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2007): You are a good example of what has gone on in the past 30 years. a typical example of how the 25-40 year old male has been forced to accept slutty behavior from their women, and to reconcile their conflicted feelings by thinking/feeling about this issue in a womanly way. Your approach is exactly the way women view this: the past shouldn't count. This is the way women get to do whatever they want with no consequences (they think there are no consequences, but there are). They let themselves be used, and have their "fun", and then find a nice guy who they can settle down witn now that they want a famly. The poor guy is left with dealing with the natural bad feelings about slutty behavior, and on top if that made to feel guilty for feeling that way. So, the solution is the one we get from modern psychotherapy: no morality to sex, just accept and go on. But we all know that we would not want our daughters to act that way. How will you teach your kids to act? Does your woman accept that how she behaved was wrong, or does she insist that you are wrong in judging her? Important issues to resolve. The "Sex in the City" lifestyle is a fool's paradise, and it has hurt families, and women themselves, tremendously. Your solution, to accept, is a good one if you want to be with a woman with a "past" , but there is something wrong about the notion that behavior has no consequences.
Good luck to all who are dealing with this issue.
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reader, Chicago1  +, writes (31 August 2007):
I can sympathize with you completely. I too have fallen in love with a women who has had a slew of liaisons over the years before we met. And not a day goes by that thoughts of her promiscuous past doesn’t cross my mind.The “right” for women to have a sexual past just as their male counterparts is not the issue. Women enjoy sex just as much as men. And this is only natural. However, women, have complete control over the whole sexual encounter. Sex happens ONLY if THEY want it to. Men must ask for permission. Women need only say yes or no. And it is in this fact alone that men have issues with finding out that the women they love have had a great deal of sexual partners before them. For the one you have fallen in love with to have deemed a great number of men worthy of sharing that kind of intimacy with them in some way or another makes their current mate feel a little insignificant at times.Having said this, I have taken great comfort in knowing that my girlfriend, who takes pride in the knowledge that she has always been in complete control of her sexuality, and the number of men she has shared that with, has found ME to be the one that has allowed the memory of those before to fade into nothingness. Though I am only one of many who has had sex with her over the course of her life, I’m the only one she feels to be worthy of spending the rest of her life with.She has asked me to marry her. YES. SHE asked. My girlfriend is a realist. And knowing that she has reached a point in her life that she is willing to forsake all others and spend the rest of her life with only me has helped me grasp a new understanding on sex and love. Her sexual past bothers me a lot. But like I previously stated; I take great comfort in knowing that , though I have qualms about the life she lead before me, I know that her past experiences have lead her to realize that , when all is said and done, there is ONE man or women out there that completes us in every way.The road one travels to reach this understanding, at least for some, may have a great deal of twists, turns, and crossroads, ups and downs, that help us become the person that we are today. My girlfriend has walked away from a lot of previous relationships and turned down a great deal of men who wanted more than just a “one night rodeo” with her. Her willingness to “fall in love” has come from this road she has walked thus far.You, my friend, like me, may never be able to get the thoughts of previous liaisons out of your head. It is again, the man in us that finds these thoughts troublesome at times. But know that if she is the right one for you, the thoughts that go through your mind will eventually change from “disgust”, per say, to ones of complete understanding and acceptance.Leave the past in the past. And know nothing but the future with the one you love.Peace out!
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2007): Bunny,
I appreciate the good spirit of your comments, but I think you are wrong when you say that the feeling about prior sex is the same for men and women. First, men feel this far more strongly than women. Yes, some women feel bad about their lover's prior sex life, but on a whole far more men feel far more strongly about this than women. Just look at the posts on this issue in this forum and other websites. Look at any book on sexual jealousy. Men generally feel far more strongly about this than women. Men have thousands of years of cultural history that tells them to feel a certain way about this, and that cultural value is based on biological and psychological wiring built into males. So, some women have a feeling about this, but most do not, and that feeling is not as strong with them as it is with men. Remember, we are talking about generalities, and the fact that a few women may feel this to some extent does nothing to refute the general rule that men feel differently about this than women. That is why it is a tough issue.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2007): First hand, one thing we forget is what a man may feel in this situation may be the same with a female in the same situation. so avoid saying that "you wouldn't understand how i feel." I am a virgin and I, myself, felt bad about my love's past. I asked "why is it okay for men to go and play around, and girls shouldn't(i know it's because of higher risks, ie prenancy) or if they did they'll be unrespected." So i opened my mind, and search what guys would feel if in my situation (reversed, girl slept with a lot of people, and the guy is virgin). Reading through the comments here, it's basically the same...
moreover, as they say, past is past. ACCEPTING it is easier said than done, but nothing is impossible (although sometimes i wonder impossibility may also be possible too, lol). I think it's all in our will. The good thing is he/she is willing to change. He/She is with you because he/she loves and want to be with you, and is not treating you like a "one night stand" or "just fooling around" as what he/she did with the other people.
Past is important, but the present and the future is more important. She may be the person she is now may be because of her past. Afterall, experience is what makes us. We just have to choose which to take. Don't let your "fantastic," current (and possibly future) relationship be ruined. Hard as it may seem, WE (yes, we) just have to accept the past, to achieve the love and happiness with our significant other. We know our limits though. But.. Yes! We can do it! We can accept it! GO! GO! hehe
-Bunny
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2007): I would like to add one more thought to my last post: men are not entirely blameless when it comes to this issue. While I do think that there should be different standards for men and women when it comes to sex outside of marriage, with women having a higher standard, I do think that men also have a standard of behaviour. That standard is to treat women with a degree of respect, and to get into sex only within the confines of a true relationship. This is pretty much the standard that I think also applies to women, only that women have to be more careful about ensuring that it is a real relationship before having sex.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2007): Men have been placed in a terrible situation in recent years due to the way society has taken the "slut" as the ideal modern woman. If this really bothers you, you must either end the relationship now, or get some help quickly before it really takes root in your mind and feelings. I am not saying you are wrong to feel these things, only that you must do something about it. The relationship will not work if you feel this way. It will get worse over time.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2007): I'm glad to see i'm not alone...I am 18 years old and so is my girlfriend whom i've been with for nearly a year. I know that she has had 2 boyfriends before me but didn't sleep with them. This gave me a lot of comfort. However I found out yesterday that she has had sex 2 years ago (at the age of 16) with her today closest male friend who to boot is more than 10 years older than we. And as if that wasn't enough he was married at the time, and his wife pregnant! they broke up becouse of this...I have no idea how to see past this. I actually dispice her for acting in souch a way and for waiting nearly a year to tell me this after I ASK HER wether she's slept with anyone else!!!I feel sick!
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 July 2007): I'm glad to see i'm not alone...I am 18 years old and so is my girlfriend whom i've been with for nearly a year. I know that she has had 2 boyfriends before me but didn't sleep with them. This gave me a lot of comfort. However I found out yesterday that she has had sex 2 years ago (at the age of 16) with her today closest male friend who to boot is more than 10 years older than we. And as if that wasn't enough he was married at the time, and his wife pregnant! they broke up becouse of this...I have no idea how to see past this. I actually dispice her for acting in souch a way and for waiting nearly a year to tell me this after I ASK HER wether she's slept with anyone else!!!I feel sick!
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2007): Just a note to some of the women who think it is messed up that there is a double standard:First off, women produce more estrogen, estradiol, estrone, estriol progesterone, and a hole slew of other hormones. They can't help it, they are women. That is how they were built. These chemicals are strong in women, and are often the reason why women get "attached" more readily and easily than men. A ONS hence, is much much more detrimental to a woman's emotional well being and self-esteem than for a man. Secondly, in my experience, condoms break...and the pill doesn't always work. Trust me, I see it all the time.Thirdly, it is much much easier for a woman to get HIV and other fluid based STDs from a man ejaculating in or near her vagina than it is for a man to get it from a women whom they enter. This is likewise the same froma man receiving fellatio. More ways for her to get something from him than vice a versa...and how often do women use condoms for that?It all comes down to this. There is a much much greater risk physically and emotionally for women to act like "sluts" than men. Hence, while a man's actions may be stupid, it is not anywhere near equal in the risk faced by women acting the same way.So yes, there is a double standard, BUT it is not wholly societal, rather, there is a rational basis.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2007): Let me say this friend, what you feel is human and normal. Its part of your male primal instinct, you are a "hunter" and hunters want a prize! Men want to respect and honor their women, but when a woman lies to get a man, or violates herself so easily, its hard to respect a person. I applaud your girl for being honest, unlike you I was a virgin til 21 and sleep with one til 1 til I was 24 and decided to marry. I wanted a virgin, or one near as possible. However, I did not think that the person I would love would lie to get me. You are not judging her in a qualitaive sense, but in a quantitative sense you can judge her and vehemently say that she made "BAD CHOICES", not a "BAD PERSON", because there aint a damn thing special about your future wife being with a lot of men. Moreover, feminism and oppprotunity is part to blame for this. Your mother and grand-mother did not have this problem, because most were chaste til marriage. I'm similar to you, good looking and educated. I have the package that most women want. But unlike you, I was decieved, after I asked several times before marriage, so its my time now, not going to the grave knowing my best years was a lie!!!!!!! I can forgive the person, but not the act because it could have been avoided. If you can handle it stay, but if not be true to yourself and walk away. This a strong instinct that GOD put in men, its called a PROCTECTIVE FACTOR, as women have a "NURTURING FACTOR!" So don't by into the hype, you reap what you so, stay true to yourself man, because I feel your pain! "PETER PAN"
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2007): Well, firstly this is a great forum.And this is a very good questionI am a 23 year old man that, has, somehow the same problem.I've recently met a girl 21 that has been with 14 guys of which 3 of them where good relationships and lasted 4 years.She started her sex life at 16.Do the math.I on the other hand, have had 7 sexual partners.I am and try to be an open minded person.I am not looking for a virgin,and didn't have this kind of problem in the past.I feel disappointed by my self for feeling this way.And first of all tried to analyze what is actually bothering me.Well it has to do with the fact that I am 23 and had 7 partners and she is 21 and had 14.Double than me.It's not that I feel threatened by that fact.I 've thought about it.It's more becuse:You see,I am a handsome man,women like me,clever,educated..and I have a rich emotional worldIn other words,a nearly extinct species. And am one of the guys,that in about 6-7 years women would love to marry.I make women feel nice,and am one of the few guys that knows what he is doing when he goes for "hunting".In other words I am very smooth.I am picky.I 've been with only 7 women but,I " fought my way through " and somehow "deserved it"In this part I must state that although I am young,I think I found my girl.I feel very annoyed by the well known story,A clever and attractive girl gets all the attention from men"gets slutty" and sleeps with a lot of men without a lot of effort.Then one day at 25 she "decides to see things differently".Feels sorry for her past life and seeks out the good men.The kind of men in my category.I feel it's unfair to me.I make her happy both by being the good guy,and for "keeping myself for her".And what do I get for that?Depression and nightmares.I know it's wrong of me feeling like this,and I cannot discuss it with her cause,she would think I judge her and I do not respect her.I really admire women for not feeling like this.I want this kind of thoughts to stop.Is there a way?Thanks.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2007): Let me say this, I concur with and feel the pain of all the guys on this board, my problem was that I was tricked into a marriage, so u guys had a chance to choose, I did not! But the damn empire struck back, I have been having the fun of my life gaming women, that's right married or single, I was technically a virgin and took celibacy as something serious, she lied to get me because of my potential, two degrees and good credit. I went through depression and contemplated suicide. But I'm getting the last laugh, when u got money, there is more than one way to game women. Remember, men normally want CHASITY, BEAUTY and YOUTHFULNESS in a woman. Women want PROTECTION SECURITY, and Maintenace. Don't let a woman play you if she trapped u in a marriage, she knew what she was doing. Women, some, talk about how they want honesty and faithfulness in a man, but yet make choices without thinking about the consequensces and want to settle down with the good guys. They play with the thugs, but want to marry the responsible men. My heart goes out to the guys that are married and were tricked, but I've been having the time of my life sexing the women, sex for the most part in this culture is so causual now. Men you can be miserable every time u think about what your wifes or girlfriends did, or u can leave if u got a girlfriend and get u some back on the side if u are married, because to be technical, if u were decieved, its not a valid marriage in my opinion especially if u asked the person serveral times prior to marriage. Don't listen to people, follow your heart because we all got to answer to GOD!! Remember now once a lot of these women have tricked you, they don't hardly want sex sex as much, do you, because in the end it will be hard to find someone that have lived a chaste life in this culture. PEACE THE HUNTER!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2007): Well for all those people who say the past is just the past and shouldn't matter. That's nonsense. Lack of thought is not an excuse for behaviour.I agree with the poster who says these women want it both ways. All too often, we see women who make poor choices, ie casual sex. All too often, a woman marries an as***le, then leter divorces and now looks for a nice guy to raise the other guy's kids. Recently, I was in the position of seeing two women. Both, very similar except for one thing. Both women were the same age, yet one had slept with dozens of men, the other only 5 men. I chose "5"
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2007): My last girlfriend had been involved in swinging, group sex and lesbian sex before I met her. All together, she had been with 34 people before me. She was still "friends" with several of them. She has had to deal with a lot of depression and self-loathing because she now feels used and dirty because of her past. It caused a lot of issues and destroyed our relationship. My advice, if you can't deal with woman's past, then let her find some guy who either can deal with it. Move on an find a woman who respected herself enough to realise that she was worth more to herself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2007): Hey I am having the same problem as everyone here. I have been with my girlfriend for seven months now, but the catch to my story is I have been best friends with her for almost 4 years and being that she is 17, I've been there for every single sexual experience she had. She told me every detail of it, because at the time it seemed like the right thing to do. We were so close and I didn't mind it at the time, we were just friends and I was dating her friend so I had no feelings for her. Now all I can think about when I see porn or when I think about sex when she's not around is her and the other guys. She's only slept with 3 guys other than me,( 2 were boyfriends and 1 was a ONS), but I know all of them. She also gave head to one of my friends that i was actually 5 feet away from when it happened. But like I said before I didnt care about at the time. However, given the present circumstances every instance I know about plays over and over in my head. I even know the different positions they did. I can barely even lay on her bed when I go to her house knowing what happened there. I love her so much and I'm going to marry her no matter if this goes away or not, but this is the only problem our relationship has/has ever had and I need to stop this so I can enjoy the time I have with her. Please post some ideas back.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 December 2006): Yes! This is a completely natural emotion to feel, especially when you know that someone you love has been with several other people. If she truly cares about you the same way you do for her, then she will be graceful when you have her sit with you, and POLITELY and sweetly explain to her, that it bothers you that you can imagine and picture that she has been with other men, and you can talk about it and come up with a solution that will satisfy the BOTH of you!
my recomendations are:
1. You ask her if she would tell you why ahe was with all of these men, and why with you she seems like a far better person. You may be surprised when you hear her answer, because she may have made many mistakes in the past, and she is probably more willing to make it work with you, because she may TRULY love you, unlike the more probable relationships she has had with the other men.
2. If you were/ are/ or want to be in a sexual relationship with you girlfriend, then you might want to tell her about relationships that you have had with other women, (and let her know that you have a better feeling about the relationship you are in with her), because she will MOST likely be appreciative that you told her this, considering that she trusted you with information of HER sex life, and believe it or not, her telling you this is a MAJOR sign of trust & love.
3. If all else fails, and you STILL want to be with her, I would recomend you contact a VERRY trusted adult or counselor, or if you are an adult, someone that you BOTH trust that has experienced this sort of thing and/ or has the wisdom a curtesy needed to help the situation. Make sure that BOTH of you agree to counseling before you go off calling Dr. Phill, ( or some other phoney...)
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reader, lippoppop +, writes (23 October 2006):
I think many of us on here are hoping that it will be ok in the end. We love the women we are with and want to be able to lose any bad feelings, we are hoping that it is possible to do that.I'm not sure everyone's stories help a lot of the time, except to see we are not alone. More success stories would be good or ways to help.I do suffer with this. I wish I was a person who did not and was sexually liberated like some I see on here who have no issues in this department. I'm not sure whether actions or progress by me can change that ?
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2006): They're more pure than girls who have sex with multiple guys. Would you prefer a girl who'd been in a threesome or one who'd given a few blow jobs?
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2006): am i crazy?
I have the feelings of everyone on this message board, but my gf is a virgin. the problem is in order to preserve this "virginity" she's given a few blowjobs. She thinks its nothing, i get upset about it all. these girls think they are staying pure by giving blowjobs? what the hell is that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2006): First question ... do you trust that she loves you and only you right now? If yes stop bothering abt her past , it has its place, and that's exactly where it happened. If you answered no then you know what to do ... it is just a habit. I think what is bothering you is the image of some strange men getting physical with her WHEN YOU WERENT IN HER LIFE, but look at it this way, she has found what she was looking for and it is you. So why grope her past and feel miserable instead of feeling a winner in a 15 + 6 man battle you never fought. Love her unconditionally if you believe she does and I feel she does so assuming that those stats are her words to you. Stop bothering if it is love and not a habit
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2006): My GF lied about the number of previous sex partners she had. I was prepared for falling in love with someone who's number was greater than mine.. but still some criteras had to be met (if it's sex in relationship then it's ok). My intuition is very well developed and I knew she was lying to me. I finally get to knew the number and I was completly ok with it. I was glad that she finaly told me. But then thanks to a coincidence I also found out she had a threesome. I almost threw up. Disgusted and heartbroken.. that's exactly what I felt.
These feelings are very normal. I've thought about it for a very long time. I'm a very rational person and I spent thousands of hours looking for any logic in it, debating it over and over with my uncle who is a sexuologists (sexuologists are pretty much useless.. lol). I came to a conclusion that these feeling are real, that they are common instincts, that they have a purpose, but what's most important is that they are controlable. You see nature allows us to do certain mistakes in our life. It only depends on if we can really identify them as mistakes. If we don't we get hit in the face everytime. You see doing anything that crosses the boundaries of a normal monogamous relationship is a big no-no for the nature. If you want love in your life you cannot cross certain rules to have "fun". It doesn't work this way...
The big catch is is that the trigger to shut this nifty and very usefull little instinct off lies quite alot in the other partner.. also in yourself. If you are a weakling you don't want to look for this trigger .. you'll just sit there whining about the things that your slutty girlfriend/boyfriend did. If the partner is worth it then fight it.. but it's quite possible that the partner will never allow you to find the trigger because there is non which means that the partner wasn't meant to be with you. Sad sad sad...
I'm here to give hope to the people. I've managed to win over my instict but it was ALOT of work (7 months) and alot of talking done to my girlfriend. I'm not going to tell you more about my case since it would distrot your view .. i'm here just to give you hope...
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2006): May i also add to that... Girls i assume are the nicer lot than guys. its their collective mixture of friends that influence and spoil them. For all i know, if we have a daughter, i would expect her to teach the child to safeguard against what she herself had gone through. I believe girls deserve better and they really should save up the best for the last, the one.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2006): Truth is, religion advocates to us not to have sex before marriage because of its consequences and ills. We are sinners. True that it feels shitty to know that your girlfriend has gone through all that prior to you. You even think that nice guys finish last (I'm a virgin when i met her). It's personally hard for me to accept also but i believe we're in no position to judge cos we're mere mortals. Its a matter of ethics and morality but the world is so fucked up right now that these values cease to exist. It made me believe that the world can make do without these kinda people who just fuck around and also believe that any other person wouldn't want to have their 'history' as something to be proud of. I really love her and i believe she has changed. It takes time for someone to reform and people deserve chances.
I watched a foreign film recently and one quote regarding what a woman said to a man: 'your job is not to understand, but love us'. You might not understand what went through their head at that point of time. Here's the scenario she was in: her ex took her virginity and left her immediately after getting it. after a few months, then the floodgates started to open and that happened over a course of a year. it takes two to clap. but can i blame her? hate a person's deed, not the person. that's what i think.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2006): A few observations:
1. A good test is whether you would want your own children to engage in an activity. I do not have a daughter, but I know that I would not want my daughter to engage in one-nighters and other promiscious sex. Same sons.
2. I recently read a statement by a psychiartist who stated that many of the relationship and marital problems today have their roots in the sex revolution that took place in the late-1960s. Before then, the "deal" was that men would not have sex outside of marriage, if women did not have sex before marriage. As has been noted, after marriage, women generally lose interest in sex as they get older, whereas men still stay very interested wel into their 50s. Men back then really did not have active pre-marital sex lives anyway, so the deal was a good one for both sexes. Each gave up something. This "deal" seemed to balance the differing needs of the sexes over time. The "new morality" unbalances things.
3. A sexually promiscuous partner does not usually fit into a romantic ideal. For men, once they start to focus on a woman's prior sex life, it is very difficult to rebuild the feeling that goes with respect and affection for one's ideal romantic partner. That is a fact, and women should realize that there is a reason that most civilizations have developed some sort of sex mortlity.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2006): To the guy who is disturbed by his girlfriend having had sex with a black guy...
I understand that you are bothered by her past, even if it was way less extensive than yours. Issues like these are not entirely rational! I don't know what the easy answer is. I can tell you over and over that it's no big deal, because it's not, but that would be easy for me to say....because I'm not the one in the situation.
All I can say is that your reaction is, of course, based on how you are interpreting or "spinning" the information you have about your girlfriend. Try spinning it in another way. First, think about what it is that is really bothering you about this story. What implicit assumptions/thoughts are you having? When you figure this out (and you have to be really honest with yourself and acknowledge what is bothering you---even if you think it shouldn't be bothering you) then maybe you can spin the situation in some way that extinguishes the yucky feelings you are having now. You really need to understand your own feelings, and doing so takes some serious reflection (and even conversations with others, be it a therapist or a thoughtful friend)
I bet part of your dismay is that you see your GF as the innocent one who was just pounded by some other dude. Or that she really loved the sex. You've created an image, quite naturally. Is this image valid? Sex might have sucked. It might have been meaningless to her. In fact, if you are the MAN for giving her an orgasm, then anyone before her was probably just something that she forgot about before it was over.
Or, think of what's in your head when you've had meaningless sex....and how it's certainly nothing SHE should ever worry about. The same mgiht go for her meaningless past experience.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2006): Anyone (male or female) who has had 30 one nighters has a problem (using people or letting oneself be used). There is too much psycho-babble about how the "past is the past" etc. All of it an example of how today's youth has been programmed to think that sex has no morality and that they should be good "sensitive" young men. But I guaranteee you that if men started to have extra-marital affairs because their wives (who were so promiscuous before marriage) lose interest in sex after marriage, that the wives would not see it as "just sex" with no consequences.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2006): There's so many posts on this subject, its quite obvious that you're not the only one obsessing about your partner's past. It's completely normal. Personally i know my girlfriend had about 30 sexual partners (all one nighters) before we met. Thats a lot more than me! Does it drive me crazy? Of course! But you have to consider whether all this obsessing has anything at all to do with the actual person you love. Its so easy to get a number in your head and focus on it, while completely forgetting all the great things in the relationship. The most important thing for me was not to lose sight of the person she actually is. Of course the past isn't irrelevant - it had a lot to do with shaping the person your girlfriend is today. However, it has absolutely nothing to do with how she is with you. It has nothing to do with the moments you are together. Personally i believe it has nothing to do with how faithful your girlfriend will be, because that has a lot more to do with how things are in the present than how they were in the past.Ask yourself this: Does this bother me when i'm with her or just when i'm alone? If you look at your girlfriend and can only think of the number of guys she's been with, then i would suggest you make a conscious effort to think about how she is actually being with you, now! If you just freak out a bit when you're not with her, then you really need - like i did - to consider if your feelings are real, genuine concerns, or whether you've got a thought stuck in your head and you're irrationally obsessing about it.For me i started to think, "she's not the person i thought she was", but actually that's nonsense. Of course she's the person you think she is! There isn't some dark, hidden, promiscuous monster side lying in there waiting to pounce! Your girlfriend is exactly what you think she is. So she might have a different opinion of casual sex. Does that mean she is incapable of a loving relationship? Of course not! Is that single fact enough to colour your whole relationship? You're an idiot if you let it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2006): happylife+
I agree with you 100%; I am applying a double standard, I do need to move on, etc. I am just having dificulty doing so. I wish I could just "swallow a pill." That would be easy. It just want to get the images out of my head.
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reader, happylife +, writes (31 August 2006):
Dear anonymous, writes (28 August 2006):
Buddy, you need to swallow the pill and move on. You have been with FIFTY women and she has only been with six. What in the planet earth are you complaining about?????? She has a much bigger pill to swallow than you do. So what if the guy was black???? Are you suggesting that you are better than a black person? Just move on and know that after sleeping with fifty women you definitely do not qualify to demand that your woman comes with a clean past. Your post is the true definition of a double standard. You really just need to move on and never bring this up with her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2006): I totally appreciate all the input on the site and allowing me to feel that I am not alone in having non-productive images and feeling regarding my girlfriend's sexual past. The situation with current long-term (14 months) GF is a bit different for me. I am only obsessed with images of her with one of her previous partners. I am not very much concerned with here "number." She is 24 and I am the 6th guy she has been with. Personally, I am ok with that number (I am 34 and have been with about 50 girls). However, a few months ago I found out that she had 3 month relationship (including sex) with a black guy about 3-4 years ago while in college. It came as a bit of shock as she definitely presents herself as the prissy, lily white, blonde haired southern sorority girl. Since being confronted with the knowledge (I stumbled upon photos), I have been consumed with it. I ask a lot of personal question of her regarding the relationship and am consumed with images of it. I guess the obsession stems from insecurity mixed with a healthy serving of surprise. I don't consider my self rascist by any stretch, although I guess my fixation indicates some prejudice. Facts such as her knowing her parents would disapprove (they never found out), her knowing that the relationship would never evolve into something serious, i.e. marriage, etc just trouble me to no end.My insecurities are definitely tempered by the fact that the first orgasm she ever experienced was during our first sexual encounter (I believe her on this point) and she has orgasms the vast majority of the time. However, I can get the images of her and this black guy out of my head. Any tips, suggestions, empathy, people with similar experiences out there?
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2006): The past is the past, if you love her you can get over it, you are insecure and jealous.....I've searched online for answers and have seen them all. What do they all have in common? They are all useless in solving the situation. Why, because these are solutions offered up by the female gender or guys that have received advise from females. I'm not putting down the female suggestions and solutions, but that is just the problem. Men and women are so different when it comes to relationships, that to take advise from the opposite sex about a purely male issue is useless. I'm sure females mean well on the solution, but you might as well be asking them about how to pee standing up.......they just can't relate!!!!!!
We feel this way because we are competitive, dominant creatures that genetically feel this way down to our core being. One of those deep inbedded issues in our genes is that our potential future wife not be used and abused by numerous other men. Notice how all the problems are about relationships that are potentially long term. there's no guys complaining that his one night stand girl has too many sexual partners. we don't care. Sorry ladies, but in a mans head, that's what they ar there for. A one night stand. Do all the crazy things you want with her, but in the end settle down with a more sexually responsible non-promiscous woman. Sorry for the double-standard, but that's genetically how we think. Blame nature not us. It is in every guys genes. Let the one night stand girl be someone elses problem.
Well now we have it. Now you are in a relationship with a girl with a long history of sexual relationships. What to do, what to do. Well first off, you can listen to all the BS reasons listed in the begining, oh yeah that will help. How many is too many...5,10,20,50? It's subjective.
How do we deal with this? Here's the answer....You're damned if you do and damned if you don't. Damned if you do because you're going to have to deal with the horrible thoughts rushing through your head during random times in the day. You're sitting down watching TV, something comes up and reminds you of her past.....bam...like a train it hits you and you can't let go. You glance over at her and start imagining all the crazy sexual acts she did with all her previous partners. And now you're suppossed to just "let the past be the past" and let go...I don't think so.
It comes down to this. there are 2 types of guys. Ones that care and ones that don't. And of course varying degrees of caring. If you care about her sexual past, then end it in the begining stages. It's easier and you'll get over it. If you are already far along, which most of you reading this are, then you have a decision to make, just like me. For now, I'm just going to deal with it the best I can. It sucks and let love conquer it, or ignore the past solutions will probably work great if you are female.
The solution is there is no solution. Take a look at this metaphore and tell me what you think. Gas prices are so high right now they suck. Like 3.50 a gallon where i'm at. Am I going to sell my car and buy a bicycle or something with better gas mileage. No, it sucks and I'm dealing with it in my own way just like everyone else is in the U.S. Will it get better, who knows. You're love for the world should conquer the gas prices......Giving that advise to a man about sexual past is the same usefulness to gas prices being high. Absolutely no help whatsoever.
Guys, the torment will continue as long as you are with this person. Just hope it gets better each day, or just move on if it's early enough and stop wasting your time typing your personal issues for the world to read.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2006): Yos hit it exactly on the head with any men going through a similar situation. I am currently in a relationship in which my partner had a very promiscous past. I had an idea before entering my relationship with her that maybe she dated a lot but not realizing until later that it was way more than I expected(a very high number). I am going through the same torment of having these images of all these guys she has been with. I found out she was sleeping with her boss(old enough to be her father), threesomes with two guys, having multiple partners, 4 abortions,etc. She has mentioned before she was reckless in her past and that she could be faithful with me. It always made me think what she meant by that and of course it made me curious about her past. Ever since I found out about these revelations it has been very difficult to get it out of my head. When we are out either at parties or at a club I see how guys would look at her or try to flirt with her in which I don't mind-it would be worse if no one look at her. Anyway, my point being is that I can't help but think that in her past she would quickly hook up with guys when they approach her. Yos is right in which it is our ego and pride that gets in the way of letting go. I realized this but it is still not easy. We don't want to be second or think all these guys came before us. People say the past is the past but it is not that cut and dry. Yos is also correct in saying our moral judgement also impedes us from letting go. We have to look at ourselves first. Hopefully I can overcome this big hurdle but certain things always trigger it and unfortunately I become distance and resentful towards her. Thanks Yos for your helpful insight.
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reader, Wendyg +, writes (15 August 2006):
 Dr Pete, no offence taken.. I was merely pointing out that women also have to deal with the past of our partners... I appreciate it isnt easy but its just woman are expected to accept a mans past, where a man struggles to.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2006): I found it really interesting reading Yos's post and then reading Wendy's reply. (with no offence intended to Wendy) it clearly showed (to me at least) that she had interpreted it on a very different level than how the man Yos targetted it at would.
On one hand I see the concepts of the masculine and feminine ideal dynamically changing, yet on the other I see an innate distinction between the male and female sex.
Humans, most certainly an interesting species...
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reader, Wendyg +, writes (15 August 2006):
I think its the same as the cheating thing.... Woman are alot more likely to forgive and move on and accept the man back, than a male would be ... How bizarre that the sexes can be so different on something so intimate.. And yet it seems that women have to accept that a male has a past and we are prorgamed that he was "just a lad" but the other way around men find it alot harder to accept.. I think women generally are just more accepting and forgiving, but we do have a hell of a retalation fight when we want to lol... Nothing worse than a woman scorned as they say! :o)
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reader, Yos  +, writes (15 August 2006):
 I agree with you Wendy. Women can suffer in a similar way. But I do think that men and women are a bit different when it comes to how jealousy effect us, and it makes a difference here.
What I said before is from a male point of view, I'll never really know how it feels from a woman's perspective.
I've spoken to quite a few of my male and female friends about this, whilst going through it. Interestingly, the men and women reacted very differently from each other, but all the mens responses were similar, and so were all the womens.
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reader, Wendyg +, writes (15 August 2006):
Well Yos, I sat here for the last half hour digesting your extensive post and can see alot of the things you say and where you are coming from, we all have to deal with our partners past though in one shape or form and its up to us to either accept it, learn to accept it or walk away, we cant all change our mindset on it... It does figure the same way around for women though... I dont like to think that my man had previous sexual relations but i know that he did, sometimes its only natural that this would stave jeaously, but i have to look past that... they are a person not an act... the act happend with them and someone else, but that was the past... they have moved on, and that no matter what they try to do to change their past its happend, and we have to learn to accept it.... The thought of my man with his ex wife would drive me insane if i let it... but i dont, i have to look past it to give us a chance, if i spent time worrying about what happend when they had sex, i would lose the reality of our relationship and it would be hard for us to survive.. yes its crossed my mind a couple of times but i have made a real effort to put it in the past where it belongs.... i guess it may be easier for me to do this, and others cannot look past it... and i appreciate that some will need counselling some will need different ways to deal with it... but what it comes down to is the fact that you and that person are together, no matter what happend before... in fact what happend before is probably what led them to be where they are now with you... if they hadnt taken that path they may never have met you and none of this would mean anything... we all do things in the walk of life and we have to accept them, we are not all proud of our past and we dont expect everyone to accept our past, but we have to realise that people matter more than what events took place previously. Sometimes not to know would be bliss but life isnt like that... We have to accept people for who and what they are ... life is very short and there is no point worrying about the past... it can all be taken away in the blink of an eye......
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reader, Yos +, writes (15 August 2006):
It was this thread that brought me to this site. Time to post.
I have had the same problem as the original poster since the beginning of this year. Everything was great in my relationship until my girlfriend told me how many previous sexual partners she had had (a number I considered very high). My universe collapsed. Since then I have had breakdowns and panic attacks, jealous rages, times of deep despair and depression, and anger and resentment directed many directions. I've been in therapy (still am), had a near break up, and have had some dark dark times.
On the plus side, the emotional intensity was new to me. I've not 'lived' as much ever in my life. The need for total emotional honesty with my girlfriend, and the sheer insanity and intensity of my emotions, have shown me a whole side of living I didn't know was there. It has been like living my whole life with the volume turned down, and suddenly someone turns it up. This I see as a good thing, despite the intense pain involved. I have become more whole.
Rather than repeat or comment on what has been said here, I'd like to describe some of the personal insights that I have come to recently. Each took a lot of pain to arrive at, and was very difficult for me to admit at the time. Please read them with an open mind, rather than react with a knee-jerk 'NO, that's not how it is for me'. I know for myself that if I'd have read what I'm about to write 6 months ago I would have strongly disagreed. Even if you can already see the end point, the personal journey is still necessary.
The first insight was to do with moral judgements.
A near universal theme seems to be how the men in this situation judge their partner as morally bad in some way. It can be as extreme as thinking of her as a slut or a whore, or just seeing her actions, her past promiscuity, as a 'bad thing'. Something that she should be ashamed of. Something she should be guilty about. Something she regrets. It also seems to be that as much as atonement is possible, there is some stain that can never be washed away. That, whatever happens, she always will have had that sex and there's no way to undo it. That the acts can never fully be undone. Once a slut, always a slut, or at least, always having that potential and that side of her within herself. Always. Un-removable.
This is a moral judgement.
By doing this, we place her beneath us. We say "The way I have lived my life in this respect is superior to yours, morally. And I am struggling to accept how you behaved in the past.". Thoughts come up like "Can I accept how she was"?, "Has she really changed"?, "Does she really regret it?" , "Can I forgive her"?, "Did she love them?", "Why is our relationship different?" and so on. Thoughts we obsess over.
Nothing new here. Except I then realized something else....
Most of the the men here want to be 'cured' of this problem. We are on this site to 'fix ourselves'. We want to no longer be tortured by jealousy and images of their partner fucking the men of her past. But, and this is a BIG but, we want to be cured without giving up this moral judgement.
This is really important to understand. We want to escape the obsessive thoughts and emotional torment, but not give up the moral judgement. Not give up the idea that 'she did wrong', that 'she was a slut, but now she is reformed' and so on.
Make sure you understand this point. I think it is the key to escape, to 'a cure'.
Put simply: you can't have it both ways.
If you want to escape from your prison. If you really want to be free of the dark thoughts and emotions, of the pain and anger, you need to give up the cause too. The fundamental belief driving it. The fuel that is fuelling the fire of your emotions. Namely, the fundamental belief that 'she did wrong'.
You simply can't go on believing deep down that your girlfriend is a whore or slut or whatever and yet be comfortable with her. You need to utterly release the thought that she did wrong if you are to be free of the pain.
In other words, you need to give up your moral judgement.
This is really really hard.
It's much harder than what I think of as a temporary cure: just changing your behaviour. That is learning how to control your feelings. I am now able to not obsess. When I get triggered (all sorts of stupid things trigger me) I can usually divert myself. Think about something else. Don't fall into the obsession. It can be done. But it doesn't fix the problem, the root cause, it only helps the symptoms. It's an asprin when what is really needed is a brain transplant.
So how do you give up this judgement?
Well, you have to want to. This is the block. Ask yourself, do you really want to think of your girfriends past sex life as OK? Do you really want to be fine with all that sex she had before she met you? I bet you don't. I know for damn sure that I don't. I desperately cling to the idea that what she did was wrong. That her promiscuity was in some way a bad thing. I'm not willing to say and really mean "Hey, your sexual past was ok. I understand why it happened, and you know, it's fine. I love you for who you are, and your past is part of that. I'm glad it happened".
It's not just hard to change this belief. It's really hard to want to change it.
The only way you're going to change your mind to actually wanting this is to understand why you are having such a hard time. Why YOU have the problem. Nothing to do with her, or her past. If your explanation for why you are feeling how you are feeling has anything at all to do with your partner, then you can be sure it's not the correct explanation. It's about your belief, not hers.
Each of us has a different reason. Yet I think for most it comes down to a similar thing.
It is that we are using it to hide our own sexual insecurity.
Its the feeling that she was had by all those 'bad boys' in the past, and that those men have in some way beaten us sexually. We resent those men, and then redirect that resentment onto her. We say "You let those men fuck you" and then we resent her for them. We have come second (or way past that in my case) to other men. In the great pecking order of life, the thing our inner alpha-male tells us to compete at, we are being forced to take a loss by being with her. It's a form of admitting sexual defeat. And what man would want to do that?
Notice that it's usually the men who have had few sexual partners who have this problem. We are the ones with 'less notches on our bedposts', the ones whose egos are most vulnerable on the alpha-male pecking order scale.
Then we start to rationalise these feelings. We claim that we were morally superior by "holding out", by "being virtuous". We could have had lots of sex, but we chose not to, because we are good men. Superior men. Better than all those 'bad boys' who fucked her in the past. We take the moral position I described above as a defence mechanism. It's our way of trying to win in that alpha-male pecking order game. It's our attempt to regain our pride and status. By seeing her as a whore we elevate ourselves, lower her, and hence lower the meaning of those past lovers. We regain our status, but at the cost of hers. By lowering her past, we lower her.
What a terrible thing to do to someone. Especially the person you love.
In a way it's very simple at the end of the day. The thing stopping any of us moving past this problem is our ego. Our pride. Our male sexual self-worth. Our Darwinian status.
Turn your eye inward and see your ego hiding behind all the rationalising and moral posturing. See the scared boy that doesn't want to admit that 'the best he can get' is a woman who has fucked many other men. An ego still fantasising about marrying the beautiful virgin (and having plenty of young virile mistresses on the side). The ego that wants to stomp all over every other man it meets to prove its worth. The ego that bitterly resents all those bad boys that have fucked a hundred women and now have a wife and kids and seem to be perfectly happy. And also resents all the bad boys that are still out there being bad boys (and are eyeing our girlfriend...).
Because, in actuality, we are jealous of those bad boys. As morally superior of them as we pretend to be, we are also jealous.
See it for what it is. And then take the conscious choice to change it. Admit to yourself why you don't want to change, why you don't want to give up the moral judgement, why you want to keep seeing your partner as having been a whore or morally less-than. Grow up. Realise that you are not your ego, and that you don't have to be slave to its fears, insecurities and obsessions. Take your hit. Admit that those men did beat you too it, and move on. You lost the first round. Now do better in the second.
You can't let go of the pain without letting go of the ego and pride that is feeding it. And the only way to do that is to call it for what it is, and stare it straight in the face, unflinching.
That's it really.
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One other thing, related.
Part of my obsession involved getting very angry with the state of the World. Specifically the things in it that I saw contributing to why my girlfriend had the life she has had. Stuff like sex in the media, pornography and its effect on culture, sororities and fraternities (she was in one), permissive culture in general. For instance, the thought that the sexual revolution of the 1960s has created a sexually permissive society, and that this is a big part of "why I am now suffering".
Every where I looked i saw 'evidence' of this culture. TV ads, MTV, Paris Hilton, Cosmo magazine, 4 Weddings and a Funeral. Sex and the City. Whatever.
Then I realised this was nonsense to blame them.
Jealousy is a highly evolved genetic trait. It has clearly been with humanity for a long long time. So have hundreds of other traits that point the same way. Look at sperm competition for instance. Human males ejaculate much more sperm than they'd need to if they were only ever having sex in monogamous relationships. And we ejaculate more when our partners have been out of our site and come into contact with other men. We have sperm that attacks other sperm. We have sperm designed to hold up other sperm. We have sperm designed to wage war on the sperm of other men!
This tells us that universal monogamy isn't something that has been around very much in our history. If women always married as virgins and stayed faithful, then there'd be no need for kamikaze sperm. Yet they exist. There are biological signs everywhere that monogamy has never been guaranteed, and that promiscuity has been a big part of the evolution of humanity.
Which in turn tells us that whilst we have many places we can direct our anger and obsessions in contemporary culture, we shouldn't forget that men all the way back through time have probably had to battle this same demon.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2006): Hi, Today I just found out the number of guys my girlfriend has slepted with. 4. When I found out I felt sick, dizzy and wanted to just cry. I my self have slept with the same amount of people. Shes not only my girlfriends but my best friend, we had a friendship before we turned this into a relationship. Whenever Im alone I cant stop thinking about these other people she has had sex with. This is actually ruining my life. My suggustion is that if you love someone but have this weight on you, just run and leave her. I my self am not strong enough to do this but I am going one day soon. I love her so much but her past is killing me. I know im just as bad but cant help the way i think. I truely feel for every person out there who go over things again and again in their minds. It's the worst feeling ever. But my suggestion is be strong. Find that courage and run away with that last reminaing strength you have. Hope everyone who reads this forum overcomes this soon. Thank you
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2006): I think that is the problem with most peopel who rely on sex as a means to kill boredom, to make themselves temporarily feel good, to strenthen a relationship that more often than not; goes nowhere.
It is unfortunate that today's view on sex and relationship is in support of not using wisdom; the ability to see down the road and the consequences of one's decision.
I agree with Dr. Pete in that if she is truly a committed partner and she can respect your feelings and take them into considration; your feelings for her and your relationship would exceed her need to be viewed as valued because of her past sexual exploits with past partners.
I do not think this woman truly loves herself or even really knows who she is and what she wants-that emptiness in her will continue to grow the more she believes that having sex with anyone will stop her pain.
I suggest that you do some couple's therapy to address her inner issues as well as to mend the damage it is causing you and your relationship.
It seems so easy to say; I know but I can attest to the great help that a counselor can bring.
Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2006): Hi I was wondering how did you end up?
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reader, Polyfuse +, writes (12 August 2006):
Just to share my story.. I recently got serious with a girl and things are great, except that she constantly makes comments about her past relationships; stuff like "I had an ex that did this and another that did that, bla bla bla." Its completly annoying to me, especially since most of the "things" are sexual in nature. Granted, its usually stuff she didnt like or doesent want to do but still, I DONT want to hear about it. Ive told her time and time again but she still slips up and makes the comments. She tried bringing up the "how many girls have you been with" but i completly refused to answer and let her know i dont want to know how many people shes been with since i dont think that will benefit either of us. She has the justification that her past is a large part of her life and she cant just forget that it happened. I told her she can reminisce with someone else. Most of the stuff doesent bug me since i know she regrets it, but one of the stories she told me was about a threesome she had a few months before she met me, with a friend of her sisters new boyfriend and her sisters best female friend. It was a one night thing at a party but i would have rather not known about it. Especially since over the past couple months ive been able to put all the pieces together from innocent stories and comments from her and her sisters boyfriend and know i know who the guy is! (not by choice). Then i was even more concerned since she still has him as a friend on her myspace. (i hate that site)I try not to think about it, but he is a pilot and I recently started a new job that is right across the street from an airport, so everyday I drive by and am reminded of her past. Shes extremely commited to me (as far as i know) and i guess i should be ashamed of myself for letting this get in my way but its tough, im working on it, on finding answers about what to do which is how i found this post.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2006):
Some advise on this post seems to go in the right direction as to helping people with real steps on how to deal with this issue. Thank you for the people who actually wanted to help by contributing with something positive.
On the other side, there are individuals who drag in their own share of emotional baggage and insecurities, and their advise is actually quite painful to read. Advise that is hypothetical and is in no way easy or practical to follow.
For the good of all, please refrain from posting insipid and discouraging suggestions, that only drag an individual's esteem down further. If your suggestions are not motivating please keep them to yourself.
- just an observer
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 August 2006): Dr. Pete.
I really liked the final paragraph of your answer below. I also think it is good because it makes the general point that often our imaginations lead us to take a few details and then imagine the most disturbing, worst-case scenario about our current girlfriend and their past. We would all be well-served to cut ourselves off and realize that, while our general thoughts/concerns are valid, we also are making things worse with overactive imaginations. Stop making things up! Stop making things worse! See the problem on the appropriate (small) scale and then work har to deal with it. Regards.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2006): I think a girl who genuingly regrets her sexual past, who did sleep with men for the "wrong" reasons and who has changed would NOT have contact with those who she slept with for a bit of attention. Why? Because, if you take her at her word, that she is "ashamed" then it would make no sense that she would want to be with someone who reminds her of who she used to be, or who, effectively "used" her.I think care should be taken when you project a very obviously negative view towards a girls sexual past and they respond with what seems a matured introspective reflection, yet at the same time criticise you for being "irrationally jealous" and "insecure" and display emotions such as anger. If a girl loves you, but knows you would change her past given the choice, she is bound to tell you what you want to hear. This is especially true if the girl in question has a sexually promiscuous past for reasons of her own under-developed emotional confidence and self-belief. A girl who displays these unwanted emotions towards you is not a good sign that she has indeed "changed".In exception to this, blame can most certainly be attributed to the man if he persists in showing his clear disgust and repulsion towards her. Emotions that are initially of regret and even remorse will quickly turn hostile if the one you love repeatidly makes it clear you see her as a whore/slut/dirty/second-rate women. That is not what love is about, is it?In answer to the reply below that - very few women can orgasm through penetration alone. You should do some research in to the female body, I think you could probably quite easily solve your problems. Instead of thinking of these strong, alpha-males, banging the hell out of your girlfriend in a purely lust driven frenzy as your girlfriend screams with ecstasy, instead, see that great orgasms can be a product from a mixture of physical sex, emotion, touching and most importantly, a very good knowledge of what "buttons" to press for your women. So forget this need to "stay" as long as possible, it's not strictly true.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2006): Well first of all I find it comforting to hear so many guys out there feel this way...when confronted regarding their past (even with utmost care and respect), women throw back into your a face a bunch of stuff about being "irrationally jealous", "insecure", or what's worst - and the most frequent response in my experience - they start crying or are otherwise upset/angry that you are 'implying' they are trashy. See this is what the sexual revolution has done to women. They do all this crap that they end up seriously regretting when they're finally with a guy they care about for long-term purposes. And they don't just regret it because the guy gives them a problem about it, but they truly regret it themselves because suddenly they find themselves wishing they could turn back the clock and have treated their bodies with more respect. Perhaps it is simply that being with a real man who cares about them, they suddenly experience what it is like to be respected and have a man be chivalrous to them...and they start to realize "shit maybe I shouldn't have spread my legs for every Tom Dick and Harry because there actually are guys out there who will truly treat me like a goddess...but I've ruined my potential to be a goddess by fucking every guy who bought me a drink."
But I digress...because the real issue I wanted to bring up is something I haven't seen in the 30-40 posts that I read (forgive me if it's been discussed). But as hard as a past is to get over (and that might be hopeless in my case), what about when the past isn't really the "past"...the truth is women like to stay in contact with previous partners much more than men do and keep them as "friends"...the same line of argument repeated over and over again by these girls who think they're being so independent (yet they're reading off talking points about 90% of issues) "well if he was important to me then and there was a value in being friends, etc. you should understand I want to be friends with him now".
So the point is...am I unreasonable for thinking that at the very least, if I'm supposed to be working on my own to tolerate the 'past' of the modern woman (and it amazes me the length these guys are going to - therapy, writing in this forum, etc. - these genuinely are good guys and putting in their part of the effort), well then the least that can be done in return is to cut off contact with these past dudes...? I am currently with a girl who I love...and I do TRUST her...but nevertheless, despite that trust...the mere fact of any contact, even just hanging out or sending correspondence, makes it impossible for me to work on not being bothered by her past...because it's not the past when they're all still around.
Thoughts?
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2006): I read the stories about guys who hear about the number of men their woman previously slept with and are disturbed. I totally respect your pain. But I think I would trade places with you (and I only say that because maybe the perspective would help you). I'd trade places because the thing I know about is about my girlfriend's orgasmic-ness with a previous guy/guys. What happened is that we had this period where she was not coming during sex...part of it was my fault because, even though she enjoyed the sex, I wasn't lasting quite long enough for her to finish. (Now, I masturbate like hell when she's not around, and boy, does that help me last longer!) Anyway, prior to and after the time when she wasn't coming that much, she has been quite pleased with our sex life. She even termed it "great." And I believe her. I may well be her best ever. But I am still screwed up in the head about what I know about her past.What happened is that, at some point during that span when she wasn't coming, we were having sex and I came too early and she got very frustrated. She said that she was afraid she wasn't going to want to have sex anymore, which of course made me feel terrible (even if she didn't really mean it, just the fact that she would even made that statement...). And she said that she used to have no problem coming. Of course, that knowledge tormented the hell out of me. It's one thing to assume that your woman might have enjoyed sex prior to you, it's quite another to hear it confirmed as the words roll off her lips. Why does it make such a difference to actually hear it? I don't know. Maybe it was the context in which it was said. But I couldn't get the knowledge out of my mind about her and other guys, even when she downplayed the fact that she orgasmed (andI think she was genuine when she downplayed it...it's not like they were magicians in bed. She just had a normal biological reaction to sex.).Anyway, back to the main story...I told her that I was really bothered by her remark about having no problem coming and she was like, Well I meant with you, too. But that didn't really help me subsequently during our period of her not coming. The thought of her coming with other guys, while she was not coming as consistently with me, killed me. There are many more details than that. But the thought of her coming with other guys was very much on my mind. And, to the extent that she was not as into sex as I thought she might be, that was just another reminder of the situation. I mean, I am not overly competitive, but who wants to be inadequate/inferior?I know that our past sex lives are pretty meaningless. And, while the sex might have been fun,your wife's/GF's/fiance's past sex life wasn't necessarily even that good. That's true for many women, because guys are schmucks. So, my point is that, it is highly possible that your girlfriend/wife had unmemorable past experiences and, for all intents and purposes, it's like it didn't really even happen. (That's true for any unmemorable even in our past...I don't think I'm being silly when I say that). Trust me, women don't think of their past lovers in the way that maybe some men do. So, if you are the type that thinks about their former partners, don't assume your woman's mind is working in the same way.I just wish that I hadn't gotten such direct confirmation of my girlfriend's orgasming during her past sex life, along with occassioanl reminders (she mentioned a few additional times, right after sex, that she was disappointed she didn't come. So damn insensitive. She could have communicated her desire for me to last longer--I support that--but she is smart and she could have done it in a much more sensitive way.) Anyway, other than this, her sexual past is modest. She's in her late 20s and has had maybe five other partners. I've had girlfriends tell me about a threesome they were in, about affairs they had, etc. But none of it bothered me. Until now. Not sure why I bothered to write this, but one helpful thing I can mention is that maybe you don't want to spend too much time wondering why you are so bothered. To an extent, it might be better to just admit that it bothers you (even if you think it shouldn't), accept it a little bit, and let the thought leave your mind. Don't get upset about being upset/preoccupied. The main thing is that you want to avoid this becoming a pattern. (Or, if it already has, to take some momentum away from the pattern.) Aim for slow, steady progress and be happy with that. Just have to re-train your mind. Takes work, but is not impossible. Slowly let the air out...and slowly do little things to reduce the amount of air time this has in your head.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2006): Two quick notes...I will post my own story later...
1) If you are reading this and you DON'T have the problem of being psychologically affected by stories of your beau's past sex life...I would strongly advise not finding out any more details. Period. Resist the curiosity. Even if the topic doesn't bother you now, you never know when something is going to trigger something in your head and all your knowledge will suddenly tormet the heck out of you. Even if you can get over it, which I think is possible, why spend the time and stress? I used to not be bothered by this topic, but that's not the case any more. Now I am working with a therapist just to help me really beat this issue.
2) I am an optimist, and I think this problem can be defeated or minimized significantly with some hard mental work and perhaps even professional help. But, guys, if you love a girl but this issue has been tormenting you for a while, maybe you want to jump ship. Sure, you love her. But what good is love if you constantly have a dark cloud over you? Not to be too crass, but it's like if you were to try on some piece of clothing in the store that you absolutely LOVED, but there was one tiny thing that bothered you...maybe an uncomfortable tag or some stitching. Would you buy that otherwise great shirt, or would the small but inescapable flaw make you put it back on the rack? You will find love again. Even if you don't, if you are strong enough, you can heal. Trust me, my woman is pregnant now and the possibility of leaving her now is a lot smaller. I still hope I can work things out, but I'd be lying if I didn't sometimes wonder whether I should have dumped her, broken her heart, probably broken my heart, but then got on with my life. In some ways, it might have been easier.
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reader, Alkara +, writes (31 July 2006):
I have exactly the same problem. I started asking her how many guys she'd been with and she told me about 20. I don't class myself as prudish but I think most guys don't like to think they have been out with the town bike shed (most people have parked in her) because it destroys your belief that she is committed to you. Best thing to do is explain how it makes you feel and ask her not to tell you things. I personally find it exciting when she tells me things she's done before but that's personal preference. I get off on it :-)
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2006): I feel the same, everytime i think about my girlfriends past it makes me feel sick, the thought of other men all over her makes my skin crawl. When im with her it rarely comes into my mind but when im apart from her 80% of the time its all i can think about, its driving me crazy. I love her to bits and ive come to realise i just need to stop thinking about it and start enjoying the good times we have together.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2006): ya im going through the same my girl friend had sex 4 times :( i keep thinking about her past and it sucks.....so i feel you man.....but we love each other and we are still together for a year and a half and i still think of her past but i hide it from her...i may sound weird.....but i dont want to hurt her i love her so much.....
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2006): That's how I coped with it too. The problem is that she stopped wanting to have sex as much. Now I can't even justify her past sexual discriminations with an active sex life. All I can think are things like "Sure, you'd fuck a random guy when your ex-boyfriend asked you to but you don't even want to make love to me anymore". It certainly is a painful psychological struggle. God, I hope I fall out of love with her one day so I can escape this pain.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2006): All I can say is, it is normal. So don't think you are the only guy out there who thinks that. I do the same thing, and it bugs the hell out of me. All you can really do is try not to think about it and think about the sexual realationship that she is having with you. That is the way I cope with this ongoing psychological problem.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2006): "Let me say this, the thing that really hurts men is
that some of these men grew up..."
Some wise words, good post.
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reader, nurse sam +, writes (11 July 2006):
I had the same problem with my ex boyfriend because he was much more xperienced sexually than I was. Don't let this jealousy eat away at your relationship. At the end of the day it's you she chose to keep not them, and these other guys and relationships have helped to shape her into the woman you love. Let go of this resentment and the competitiveness you feel to these other men because it's you she comes home to at the end of the day. Hope that helps! x
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reader, nurse sam +, writes (11 July 2006):
I had the same problem with my ex boyfriend because he was much more xperienced sexually than I was. Don't let this jealousy eat away at your relationship. At the end of the day it's you she chose to keep not them, and these other guys and relationships have helped to shape her into the woman you love. Let go of this resentment and the competitiveness you feel to these other men because it's you she comes home to at the end of the day. Hope that helps! x
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2006): Let me say this, the thing that really hurts men is that some of these men grew up with the values of their parents. Some of these women are good women that got copught in the moment. I think also why men are angry is that because some feel they missed out and wwere cheated, especially the ones who had two or less and were holding out for someone similar. My limit five considering I had one prior. I'm educated, good looking and could right now have sex with many women. However I believed that if I was honest, that the women would be honest. However what I did not know growing up in the past is that women will lie about issues regarding this. The other thing is that they cry and don't understand you, because they are women. Most guys I have surveyed see my point of view, the women, most don't. It is hard when you keep yourself to have a woman lie to keep you. However this is my stance, not for the guys with similar numbers, i don't see how a man that has had 20+ has a problem with a woman that has had similar or less. But I empathize for the men and women in this perdicament. I consider myself a alpha-male form a line of men who were lovers, but I kept myself, I knew it would be hsard to find a virgin, but I wanted a woman with a similar past like mine, I think a person will compromise in the begining a litte trying to be realistic, but it makes you hurt and angry when you find out it is a lie. Because once you have a family you see it as lost opprotunity. In this day and age, if a women has had less than ten, that fairly good, because so many has had 20+ if you can't handle it, leave and find someone with similar numbers because you deserve it. For the men and women, it takse discipline to refrain and for a person to lie to keep you is selfish. Our if you want to stay, maynot be right, but get you a couple on the side so that they can see what it feels like. Believe me, if they love you they don't understand because they did not walk in you shoes. For those with a 2 or less, talk with people with similar past like yours because the girls and guys that have slept around will use the tired rhetoric that the past is the past, but when a peron wants to invole you in their future, they have a right to be informed and if that time you want to stay, stay, but if you want to leave, leave. Chasity is not everthing because people may have experimented, but if you study for a PHD and this less is a failure.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2006):
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5. Ditch your partner and find someone who has a more "comfortable" sexual past.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2006): Moving beyond my recent argument with Willy Wombat, I would like to offer some practical ideas on how to deal with the problem of obsessing about a mate's prior sex life.1. When you are in the mood to think about these things avoid alcohol and other depressants. 2. Try and stay "hign energy". One tends to dwell on such things when one is low energy and without a deep emotional reserve. Avoid over-exertion, mentally and physically.3. Don't be too hard on yourself. The fact is, despite what we are being told to believe and feel, it is understandable if you are to some degree "curious" about a mate's prior sex life. But do not sacrifice the love that you receive from another person to this. Be careful not to hurt the one you love and who loves you.4. Some people recommend "thought stopping" techniques. You also may want to check out the books and tapes of Claire Weekes. She was an Australian medical doctor who developed a practical program for dealing with anxiety, depression and obsessive-compulsive thoughts. The program is essentially to let the troubling thoughts "float" through your mind, and to not let them trouble you when they do appear. Just let them come and go in order to obtain some "distance" from the thoughts and images by letting them flow through the mind. In this way the thoughts lose their psychological hold. Maybe this will help you. People have been cured of terrible panic attacks by using her method, and she does address obsessive thoughts in her books. At some point the thoughts apparently stop, and when they do reappear, they are not as troubling.Best wishes to all who are dealing with all sides of this issue.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2006): I just wanted to say thanks for everyones comments, myself and another writer on here have been taking this subject further and personally speaking there have been some insightful comments from both sides of the argument that have helped develop my ideas. Stay tuned in the forums section :)
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 July 2006): I was the anon male that started the recent flurry of emails.
First, that was my first post to this board. So, Willy Wombat, you were wrong in attributing other posts to me.
Second, your post tends to prove my point. Your post was an emotional justification of your past actions. So many will not look at things objectively, but want to rationalize their past actions to avoid feelign guilty.
Third, most men today do not have a problem with women and pre-marital sex, so long as it is in the context of some sort of relationship.
Lastly, I repeat, modern women have been programmed into their sex role. They are not as liberated as they believe. Look at the media and the sexual morality and sex roles that it constantly dishes out. It is a form of propaganda. I know that it is hard to accept, but it is the truth.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (26 June 2006):
 Thanks for the laugh 'Happylife', wow my stomach actually hurts!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2006): I'm not the anonymous male that Willwombat is having a go at, but another one who hasn't posted for a while. Ww, you seem to have gone-off-on-one a bit. Yes, the last but one "anon male" post before yours seems a bit harsh in his judgements, but your own answer seems pretty intolerant also. Firstly, opinions are just that. They can be disagreed with, but cannot be "right" or "plain wrong". You might not like what he is saying and feel that he is mistaken, and your counter-argument with factual support would be useful. But just putting the boot in is not. Gender equality in society is an essential part of a modern, successful society. What "gender equality" does, or should involve, however, is open to debate. To equate "gender equality" with the right to bed-hop at will and not be censured for it, rather than economic/social emancipation seems a bit lame. Quite a lot of us out here think that reasonable sexual restraint (as opposed to repression) is a good thing for a variety of social, sexual and health related reasons. That is meant to be a gender-neutral statement. Having consequently behaved "well", it then seems a bit harsh for others to decry our stand, citing "women's issues" as a reason to give us a kicking or declare our sensitivities to be the mis-placed whingeing of a bunch of inadequates. Perhaps it would have been more politically correct for us to have "shagged and dumped" at will instead. The chances were (and are) there, but some of use choose not to take them because we respect women, rather than see them as vehicles of pleasure for our exploitation.... (I will now stand back and prepare for the explosion).
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2006): The same thing worries the hell otu of me. I was with only one person prior to my wife and while we were dating, she tod me she was with only with six people. 11 years later, the number is ten. I felt so betrayed and used up! I saved and preserved my body for my queeen, and to have her lie becuase she did not want to loose me makes me amd as hell! Sometimes I should just go out and even the score. People do not understand that their are consequnces for their actions. I would see this as a problem ifI had done the same thing, but when you come into a relationship, total honesty is so crucial. I feel as if I'm paying for the past mistakes that she accumulated. I have always been honest, also, their are some inconsistencies with her answers, our trust si broken, don't know where this will end, maybe I will leave or even the score!
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female
reader, willywombat +, writes (23 June 2006):
 I am not ignorant dear male anon, you are. You are spouting your beliefs as you ahve done many many times before. The sexual revolution has not come about in one generation as you claim...go read up on your social history sweetie and get you facts straight.
As a woman, an emancipated, liberated, educated and happily married woman with a past, doing reasearch into women's issues, I can talk from a place of knowledge. You cannot, you talk from your own necdotal opinions. You are entitled to your opinions, as is everybody else on this forum, but when your opinios take us back to the dark ages, when women where chattals with no power to make decisions for themselves or their bodies or childrens then your opinions are jsut plain old fashioned WRONG!!
Enjoy your bigoted view, enjoy your narrow life. You may never see women as your social and sexual equals, but I am glad that people like you are getting rarer and rarer!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2006): Most men can (must) accept that their woman will have had a prior sex life. What is hard to accept is a prior sex life that was "slutty" (one night stands etc.).
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2006): What amazes me is the ignorance of people like Willy Wombat. People who think they have it all figured out, when in fact they are simple minded. Any fool can just keep repeating politically correct nonsense that has ruined so many lives (mainly women's lives) since it came into vogue in the late 1960s. You are just repeating what you have been brainwashed to think. What is the origin of that "free sex" movement? Why has the Western society educational establishment and popular news media made such an effort to make women think they have a duty to themselves to have sex before marriage? Why you think the things you do? How did it come about that in the space of one generation women (and men also, I mught add) rejected the sexual morality of the past? Most women now realize that that movement in the end was not good for them, and that it allowed men to exploit them more than ever (remember, easy sex is better for men). Add on millions of unwanted pregnancies, abortions etc. It is an experiment that has failed. Deep down many (now married) women know that they have let themselves be used, and they want to try and sweep it away and forget that they ever had those "relationships.". Do you really want your daughters to do what you have done? Stop trying to defend your own past actions. You have been misled into doing things that were foolish and that could do nothing good for having a stable marriage and family life. But, you see, that was the point of the "free sex" movement. To undermine the traditional family structure and the sex roles it was based on.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2006): I want to applaud dr.pete for his poignant post. I spent most of my time at York University in Toronto here in Canada learning about exactly what you've posted. Books like "what our mothers never told us" and "hard bargains: the politics of modern sex" which are either written by women in whole or in part support a lot of what you've had to say and elaborate on the problem many women today have whereby they equate promiscuity with sexual liberation. The truth is sexual liberation is about more freedom but more importantly more responsibility as well. This is a fact lost on women who either by choice or through ignorance want to be promiscuous and not deal with the responsibilities that come with such a lifestyle.
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female
reader, willywombat +, writes (5 June 2006):
Don't believe EVERYTHING you read in the papers, and remember Paul Mac had a past too!
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female
reader, carebear +, writes (5 June 2006):
 Hello all
just to add my tupenceworth (lol) the papers today lady mills now sir paul Married her and surely must know her past and now it is in the press for us all to read, now as a female i am not passing judgement but it must be really hard for lady mills now she had a daughter of her own to see all the stuff in the press ( may not be true?????????) anyway after reading all the post lastnight i think it doube standards as it would be acceptable for a male to do this but not a female (why) some of these guy actually made me laugh with their sorry stories reg their g/f.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2006): It's absolutely difficult,indeed love can overcome anything,it's too bad on the other hand to blame irrationally someone(woman or man)for what they did in their past,I think,since I'm having this problem currently,that because our primitive feelings(love,jealousy,hatred...etc)are in control,that's why it's very difficult to rationalize and make logic out of this matter.
Sometimes I'm able to live with this problem,but the moment life starts to pressurize and of course the moment my partner starts to become stressy or something else it bumps into my head,and I start all over again,not only this,but in my case in particular,my partner is not offering me good sex at all,though she told me before that she used to be active and enjoyed sex and stuff like that...etc,and that makes me even more mad,why??because my sick mind starts to think about those sick and weird thoughts like(damn it,all these years in her life'according to her'she wasen't stressed,and she enjoyed life in genenral,and only now with me she is stressed and not able to enjoy her life).
anyway too bad that an innocent person 'my partner' is exposed to this pressure from me,but at the same time am I to be blamed for a feeling I have,it is something I don't have control over,and before I cause headache for her I'm causing headache for myself,and unfortunately that there seems to be no solution for it now.
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female
reader, willywombat +, writes (23 May 2006):
I genuinely feel for the guy who posted this question. It must be awful to have an image in your head of what has happened before. I feel very much for any man/woman who cannot deal with a partner's past. I find it a little disturbing that no constructive help if offered from many people, just offensive opinions and caustic remarks about loose women.
If anybody suffers with this sort of pain they have a few options open to them - male or female, this can apply equally.
If you love the person, truely and with all your heart and you want to make the relationship work then you must find a way to accept what has gone before. If this be professional help - such as relationship counselling or meeting a therapist one on one then so be it. If you truely love somebody and you want to be with them you will find someway of overcoming a *block* like this. If on the other hand you do not or cannot find it within yourself to accept the past is indeed in the past you have to let that person go. Resentment, pain, obsessive thoughts, they all contribute to making you feel like she is unworthy or you are going to be compared to others. Decide if you love her and then decide form there whether you feel working on your own thought processes will work. You can do absolutely nothing about the past. It is the past and as such should not have the power to destroy your future.
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reader, Struggling +, writes (23 May 2006):
"An object that has value is worshipped, respected, cherished, and shared with very few deserving people. As soon as you start sharing that object with anyone and without care, the object starts to lose value. The more people use the object, the more it depreciates and the less bargaining power it has: this is a plain psychological fact of life.
Most women don't realize the importance men place on a woman's promiscuity. Women think that because men don't care about how many women they've slept with, they won't care about how many men their woman has slept with. But the reality is that most men (those looking for a serious relationship and not a one-night stand) do place great value on a woman's sexual restraint.
Over the past years, most women have lost a sense of value for their sexuality. They've realized that sex is fun and pleasurable, but in the process, they've forgotten that it's the one gift that they can offer their lover, and that so many men value.
Think about it for a moment: if men value a woman's purity so much, how do you think they feel when they receive the same gift offered to so many other men? Here's a better example: if I were to offer Stacy the same engagement ring that I once offered my ex-fiancée, would she appreciate it? I'm sure she wouldn't, and it's only a ring. Then how do you think men feel when a woman offers herself once she's already offered it to so many other men?"
-from a great article (full text found: http://www.askmen.com/dating/curtsmith/42_dating_advice.html)
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2006): To willywombat: You will see that there is another question posted elsewhere on the site from a woman facing this same problem. It's not just men who find the situation difficult. To suggest so is, frankly, sexist. Nor is this issue (for many of us) necessarily about "the double standard". Frankly, I don't give two hoots if someone has many partners or few, male or female, unless I am proposing to get involved with them. At that point the question of number/circumstances becomes relevant as I would feel uncomfortable in a long term relationship with someone who has widely different attitudes to mine.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2006): willywombat,why are you so degrading in the conversation,we are people having problems here,and what we say does not nessecarily means the truth,don't see it black-and-white,and besides why the hell are you saying that we are inferior,what if indeed there is a problem without being inferior,and besides this problem of the past and past sexual life does not exclude women,women as well are worried about it as well,so it is not only about inferiority.
listen,it is a very complex situation,really,with different and diverse causes and reasons,I'm not supporting dr pete,but at the same time I would say he is trying to add oil to the fire as you are,you are trying to declare a war over here!!
anyway try to imagine this complex situation,but please streap yourself of your sex,just as human being.Imagine that there was a relationship where by the male is totally virgin and the female has had lot's of ups and downs in the field,and it bugs the male that this occured not because he thinks he is superior or stuff like that,just because he himself wouldn't like such relationship neither for females or males,anyway I hope I made myself clear coz sometimes language is not helpful to express oneself fully.
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reader, willywombat +, writes (23 May 2006):
patronising, patronising, patronising
write it out three times and stand in the corner.
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female
reader, willywombat +, writes (23 May 2006):
Try a husband who thinks your bit of a petronising bugger too!!
Sorry to blow your theory out of the water honey!!
xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2006): willywombat, Busted.
I've just looked up your IP address together with the most recent anonymous post and surprise, surprise. You're the same person.
What desperate measures eh?
Heh.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2006): As a man reading the terrible answers written by the person calling himself DR Pete I would like to add my bit.Son, you are patronising in the extreme. Do you actually know what makes women tick? Do you realise you are spouting rubbish you are trying to disguise as fact.I have taken the liberty of looking at some of your other answers that you have given. And I must point out that you are not as wise as you think. To attack a whole gender and then to say they enjoy freedom of any kind because we ALLOW them to is not only arrogant it is totally non-factual.WW do not allow yourself to be baited by this arrogant idiot. He is obviously young and inexperienced in the ways of the world. He is foolish to dismiss an entire gender as being there for a man's pleasure. And I heartily agree that many of the men on here post anon because they are frightened to admit what they feel in the open. I have done the same as I am a regular who posts on this site and do not want the vitiol sometimes directed towards Agony uncles for having differing opinions.
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reader, willywombat +, writes (22 May 2006):
was controlled by men....dearie, gosh what a fabulous bedside manner you have....
Your opinions are outdated. You are right men did these things, but not to exploit women. They did it for monetary gain. A man in a little lab somewhere didn't think *boy, I will get more sex out of this* they actually did it for money. That is all the pharma companies ever do things for. To argue differently is actually a waste of your time and effort. You may be playing devil's advocate but hey, you are outdated and outmoded and just a smidgen sad.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2006): Not at all. Its men who developed the Condom, it was a man who developed the contraceptive pill and it is men who run pharmaceutical companies that research, market and sell contraceptive drugs and medical technology to facilitate abortion. It is men in government and marketing agencies who have brought about change in public opinion regarding the sexuality of women. They didn't do this to equalise the sexual right of women, they did it for their own gain. Females have misinterpreted the freedom of their sex and their confusion has led to little more than adopting negative masculine traits; a behaviour that not even the feminists of the last few decades can agree whether is right or wrong. Use the term pompous or misogynistic if you wish, but it shouldn't be applied to me; it should be directed at a society that has, and is, quite clearly controlled by men.
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reader, willywombat +, writes (22 May 2006):
I feel you may be seeing things a little thru rose tinted glasses.
As for your comment about my being not being able to see things from the viewpoint of a male, take a look at your last paragraph on your first posting and tell me if that doesn't just come across as a little pompous and misogynistic?
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2006): This is starting to get interesting! There seem to be three basic camps: 1. Angry people with a moral/religious agenda. 2. Angry people with a liberal/permissive agenda 3. Average people trying to make sense of the mess in the middle (most of us).Ironically, those in group 3 frequently fail to see that they are as limited/dogmatic in their thinking as those in group 1. The irony of their cry: "I am liberal, you can do/think what you like (as long as you think like me)" is lost on them.So what about the three groups? To the moral/religious group I would say: "I respect your integrity and your desire to to the right thing, but life is not that simple for most of us - please understand that many who have tried have failed and they need understanding. Look deeper than the numbers to the person within. Understand why and you may be grateful that you took the time to look more deeply". To the liberal/permissive group I would say: "Sex is just sex? Fine, lets all enjoy ourselves. When your husband or partner next has just-sex with someone else, how do you feel? If you're not bothered, then I admire your sang-froid and declare you a true liberal. If you are upset, then just-sex is a myth. It matters. Therefore accept that people may be upset over issues of sexual beahaviour and respect them for it."And to us in the middle? It's a mess. The capacity for hurting others or being hurt ourselves is huge. There is never a clear "black and white" right answer on this issue. Be calm. Understand. Express your feelings. Listen. Take a long time to consider your response and be aware that the issue will never completely go away. And then make your decision based on what YOUR OWN HEART is telling you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2006): Hi Willy
Yes, I believe the breakdown of the traditional family unit is a bad thing. Supporting the ideal of having both a father, and mother to bring up a child has absolutely nothing to do with incidents of rape (marital, or otherwise) or child abuse and they are weak reasons to reject such a model. Actually, if we were to believe the media, it would seem incidents of sexual abuse is actually WORSE than they have ever been.
I can't believe you can even suggest that young single mothers "often" choose to have a baby for their career. No. "often" it is because they are foolish, naive and with little self respect at an age when they are too vulnerable and ignorant to be exposed to a society that allows them to become fully sexually active. Young single mothers are often forced to prematurely come out of the education system, and become reliant on state benefits. Even the current political infrastructure does not encourage single parent mothers to go on to develop in a chosen career. They do it for career reasons, PLEASE!
Perhaps you shouldn't be so astounded that I have different views from your own. You are, by your own repeated definition, an "educated" person, are you not?
Last - my gender is largely irrelevant. Unless of course you wish to admit that you can't comment on matters relating to the male, because, obviously, you can't think to presume you know what it's like to be one?
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female
reader, willywombat +, writes (22 May 2006):
Hi ther Dr Pete
As one health professional (allegedly) to another I find you rather maralistic and self-righteous stance on female sexulaity a little on the silly side.
Before contraception the sex act for women equated with the risk of pregnancy. Contraception allowed woment to chose if and when they wished to have children, something a man could NEVER understand not being the creater of life. Yes a woman's body is designed to nuture a child but is that all. Are you honestly saying that you believe you would go back to the days when women had no choice but to stay at home, sometimes in unhappy marriages, lookinfg after offspring? Acually reading your answer you probably would.
I don't know how well you know your history but it would appear that you believe that the so-called disintergration of the *traditional* family unti is a bad thing. Withing my *traditional* family without divorce (up until the last decade) child abuse, and rape within marriage happened....this is your so called traditional family.
As for many single mothers today - having a child at 16 17 18 is very often a career choice, with women of these ages having nothing else to look forward to. And I do not mean your average *Vicki Pollard*. I look after some women who come form very well off backgrounds and chose to have children *out of wedlock* as it is their CHOICE!
I for one am astounded that an allegedly well eductaed person can make such wide sweeping and often inaccurate comments. You are not female and cannot presume to know what it is like to be female.
Also the point about the STD's. Purleeze, STD's in all their myriad forms have been around since the dawn of time. People have always been at risk of catching them....they have not just appeared because women are disgusting enoungh not to know there place and chose to have sex with men.....if you believe that you need to go study a little more.
I am still convinced this thread has been started up by men who feel there masculinity is under threat because they cannot *control* women anymore. My opinion.
I look forward to a further debate.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2006): What an interesting thread, it's taken me a good hour to read through it :)1. From reading all the replies, I would suggest that a lot of these problems have come down to being incompatible with the other person. e.g. one person values sex in a certain way, and the other doesn't, or didn't. If you’re the kind of person (guy or girl) who has valued sex within a loving relationship, then you are quite right to have issues with knowing someone you love saw sex differently and engaged in acts that you find utterly sickening. Don’t let any one else tell you differently. Love though, is about forgiveness and understanding, isn’t it? Every person in here who split up for these reasons still seems to be holding on to their feelings for that person. A good thing to try is to swap roles in your head. If you were the one with a sexual past you were ashamed about, but you met the love of your life who you wanted to spend the rest of their life with you, how would you feel if that person rejected you, and left you, because of how you used to be? How utterly devastating and tragic that really is.Also, another point to think about: A lot of people have attributed their partner’s high number of sexual partners as being a negative thing. It’s as if this past means questionable commitment or faithfulness skills? Well I’ve come across a few questions on this board from people who had been in committed relationships, and marriages, who were virgins from the start but who unexpectedly found out their partner had cheated on them. My point is, perhaps a more “colourful” sexual past could actually be a good thing in that your partner would never stray, because they know just what they would be ultimately loosing. 2. willywombat are you so sure the “sexual revolution” and the introduction of contraception in the 1960's was really about making men and women sexually equal? I would argue the changes from the 60's were a consequence to World War 2 and more predominantly led to financial independence, not sexual equality. This distinction is the key problem in contemporary western sexual ideals.A result of contraception and your so-called sexual freedom has, in reality, led to an utter collapse of the traditional family unit. Liberalist thinkers have even managed to give validation to the term "Single parent family". Single parent family!? Surely there is no such thing. I think perhaps you are looking through rose tinted spectacles if you think contemporary western sexual values are based on sexual equality. I'm sure most of the millions of single mothers would disagree that their children were conceived in an act that was based on equality, and respect. Rather, women are brought up, usually from dysfunctional environments themselves, repeating the abnormalities of their past on themselves, and who, sadly in turn will pass on these traits to their own children. Nor the women who have endured decades of failed sexual relationships and one night stands will put their hands up and thank the sexual independence for the life they have found themselves. Their past has done nothing but lead them to be lacking in self-confidence and self respect, no doubt they will wake up middle aged realising that it was their sexual promiscuity that lost them a loving husband and family that only now, they want so much. These aren’t the only indications of the problems of modern sexual values. Sexual transmitted diseases are rife; they are literally consuming the world’s population. Surely not is this a product of anything natural and healthy. I’ve seen the faces of girls in sexual health clinics; I’m sure if asked they wouldn’t possibly be able to defend sexual liberalism.I’d also argue that most typical one night stands for women involve a degree of inebriation on her part and that the act of sex is more of a payment for attention; a means to boost their self-confidence. Something that most, if not all, “sexually modern” women lack with abundance.I do genuinely applaud women who have the confidence to enter in to a sexual relationship with self-assurance that it is for self pleasure and sexual fulfilment, but sadly I don’t think that is largely the case. It’s shown on here a lot that women lie about their sexual past because they don’t want to be badly judged by men, but in actuality, they are judging themselves, and even other women are there doing the judging. Quite rightly so that these women should feel ashamed for what they have done, they know the real reasons for why they acted in the way that they did, and that is why they lie and deceive.Contraception has allowed people to detach reproduction from sex, which has in turn produced women who no longer understand the significance of engaging in sex. Rightly so, men who hold on to the traditional nature of sex and relationships are having a hard time understanding why a woman they love has acted in the way that they have. Before the use of The Pill, women generally preserved their virginity for a man who was good, honest, and faithful and who could provide for her children. Honourable men too, abstained from sexual promiscuity through fear of societal rejection. It is this disassociation with sex and reproduction that has led women to seek something they will never find in one night stands and this is why so many relationships and marriages break down today.Women for decades have been told that equal rights means sexual equality but it’s not women who benefit from this belief, it’s actually men. Men have never had it so good, not only have we made it possible for you to not get pregnant, but we have also led you to believe that sexual equality is actually something you need and want.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2006): Male anon on the 6th of may - women cannot change their pasts or their gender....DUR!
Why would we want to. We like being women.
Take your judgemental *man is the lord* stance elsewhere.
Your comments are ridiculous and offensive. Think before you write, and think about what you write.
Otherwise most of your letter was actually succint and to the point.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2006): I cannot believe MEN think like this and I find it offensive to women that you judge. To be honest I think this is one man making most of these comments. One man with a hatred of women a mile wide because he has been hurt in the past.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2006): This is so incredibly sad! I cannot believe that so many of you so called men have these inferiority complexes. Think about it....you are all just scared of not measuring up to the guys who went before-this is nothing to do with morals or virginity or any of the other bullshit excuses you have used. I feel for the ladies you are involved with.
My wife has a past and gues what guys....so do I!
You want to have your cake and eat it. You all want to PRACTICE on the so called sluts and whores and marry virgins.
Get over yourselves. You are an embarrassment and disgrace to MANkind!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2006): I think what it comes down to is it just matters for each person individually. Some care more than others and your preferences are exactly that. I'd just discourage someone from leaving someone based on the past alone.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2006): Its a hard call. As long as most of the guys where in relationships I dont think its too bad. Try it out. IF you cant deal with it then there is nothing you can do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2006): I have a problem much like this. I fell for my current girl, and a month in, I found out she'd slept with 7 guys before me. She's now 21, she slept with 5 of those guys in her freshman year of college. One was a one-night stand, and one was a friends with benefits thing. We've now been together for 8 months and it still plagues me from time to time.
One thing I have to agree- it's not ALWAYS about a guy's insecurity. I have been able to separate feelings of insecurity with other feelings. I admit at first I was somewhat jealous, and possessive of her past and worrying that I wouldn't stack up, since she was only my 3rd. However, at this point I'm just more concerned about the kind of woman she really is, and if I can be happy with someone who went through a period of such promiscuity.
It's a ridiculously tough decision- part of me just wants to take the "the past is the past" advice, but there's another voice just screaming that I need to find someone who fits my values better. We actually talked about it, and her initial reaction was, "I don't think it's a lot- all my friends have more..." but she's already admitted that most of her friends ARE sluts. I just don't know what to do at this point....good luck to OP and all others who posted their predicaments.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2006): I swear what you wrote 'A male reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2006):' is sooo true,indeed I have a similar case where by my wife before we got married used to tell me how much she enjoyed sex with her past partners and how much memorable it is for her,not only that,she used to tell me about her cums and orgasms and stuff like that,and now while I live with her,we barely have sex,and I haven't seen her cumming since ages.and when I wonder what's going on "though I'm sexually active" and why wouldn't it be as good as her past sexual life,she replies by denying what she was telling me in the past.I don't know what's wrong with women"or at least my woman",I don't know why they tend to hide the truth,especially when a woman is married,all of a sudden life becomes something else,sex is boring,love becomes like yoghert,and life in general becomes monotonous in a dry way.for me I didn't have relationships like my wife did,so I haven't seen the adventures of sex or it's wonders,I haven't made a woman enjoy my company,but on the other hand when I met my wife,I loved her and loved making love to her,regardless of what she was telling me about her Xs and how much down it brought me,but now that I'm leading a boring love life,everything died out,I feel indifferent to the relationship,I barely feel like kissing her goodnight,and above all I lost interest in her physically.And to be honest,I'm well aware of the fact that such relationships are not to be played with,in other words,I'm not willing to jeopardise this relationship just because of physical reasons,but that means,I will have to bear so much frustration and sadness in me the thing which is affecting my health,I'm smoking more and more,I'm anxious and fearful all the time.I regret now why I ventured marrying,indeed,I shouldn't have married cause I undertook on me a serious commitment that I can't handle.For my wife,it seems she had her atmost peaks in sex in the past years and now it's about time she build up a relationship based up on so-called "love,respect,breeding kids,working to save for her pension,and then later on at night sitting on the couch watching T.V and lying on my chest".She has had her time playing around.and the rest comes later
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2006): It hurts when they say no to sex or a sexual act they've done with the many other guys they've been with. Not only do you have to deal with the mental anguish of knowing they were a glorified fuck story for a bunch of random guys but you can't even tell yourself "Oh well, she may have been a slut but at least it means I have great sex all the time".
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 May 2006): the problem I have most is that my wife was active sexuaully and attractive, when i hear stories of her past and how our sex life is, it breaks me down. It's like she met me and the well wet dry
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reader, Struggling +, writes (6 May 2006):
Ok, I have been struggling with a similar issue. My girlfriend is 23 and initially told me she had been with 13 (I posted anon. before, saying girls should tell the truth). What messes with my head is the fact that she has lied to me 6 times about it now. First it moved up from 13 to 15 guys, then 16, 18, 20 and finally 23. I kept asking because I could tell she was lying. Who knows if I'll ever know the truth.
In hindsight, I wish I had never asked her. However, the number isn't what matters at this point. It's the fact that she lied so easily to me so many times. I've been trying to work it out, but I can't seem to trust her. I told her that being promiscuous was in her past, that I can learn to live with. However, lying is something that she has been doing with me -in the present. Now on top of my issues of her promiscuous past, I have trust issues.
I can understand her lying initially. 23 guys is kind of disgusting and shows utter lack of respect for what you do with your body. However, I wish she had told me the truth after I found out the first time. Things could have been so much better. Any advice? I don't know what to do about this one.
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reader, Struggling +, writes (6 May 2006):
Ok, I have been struggling with a similar issue. My girlfriend is 23 and initially told me she had been with 13 (I posted anon. before, saying girls should tell the truth). What messes with my head is the fact that she has lied to me 6 times about it now. First it moved up from 13 to 15 guys, then 16, 18, 20 and finally 23. I kept asking because I could tell she was lying. Who knows if I'll ever know the truth.In hindsight, I wish I had never asked her. However, the number isn't what matters at this point. It's the fact that she lied so easily to me so many times. I've been trying to work it out, but I can't seem to trust her. I told her that being promiscuous was in her past, that I can learn to live with. However, lying is something that she has been doing with me -in the present. Now on top of my issues of her promiscuous past, I have trust issues. I can understand her lying initially. 23 guys is kind of disgusting and shows utter lack of respect for what you do with your body. However, I wish she had told me the truth after I found out the first time. Things could have been so much better. Any advice? I don't know what to do about this one.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2006): Some of the women who have posted answers to this question are understandably angry. After all, neither their gender nor their past can be changed.
However, to believe that male and female sexual roles are identical is ridiculous. You'd have to entertain the notion that all people are the same, and that paternal and maternal figures have identical nature of impact in a child's life.
Neither is, of course, true.
All people are not the same. _You, for instance, are given time with this girl to work out whether or not she is for you. Just because you'd make good coworkers, or even good friends, does not mean you'd be proud to have her as your wife, or that you'd want her to nurture your child. Certainly, it does not mean that you'd want to battle her value system should you have a daughter (and, again - although I might not personally agree with it - society does _not look upon these things as equal).
I'd add that I've yet to see a promiscuous person (male or female) whose early stages of life have not been a trainwreck. Aside from the physiological images that trouble you, there are often psychological issues that these people learn to use sex to solve. If you're close enough to someone to call what you have a committal relationship, these issues are sure to crop up.
I don't agree with men "sowing their wild oats" any more than I agree with women having one-night stands.
Yet what I truly despise is the attempt to pigeon-hole everyone into a single box; i.e: if you have this problem, you don't love her enough; you're stuck in the 19th century, etc. etc.
No one's political agenda should have anything to do with your happiness.
The little voice in your head is calling your attention to a red flag - a flag that your upbringing; experiences, and expectations for the future have raised.
Ignore it at your peril. At the same time, don't second-guess yourself once you make a final decision.
Finally - don't drag the decision process out. There have been some excellent responses about that already, but there's no point battling it out with her.
At the end of the day, it's simple: would it make you proud to have her for your wife?
If not, move on. Whether it is rational or irrational, the only thing that matters is whether you can bury the concern for good. And, let's be honest, you'll know that fairly quickly.
Living for the moment is no way to rationalize these things, and it's no way to live - and it's also how people get themselves into these problems.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2006): heya fella its taken another year for someone to step across this i hope you sorted it out, but any how's your main worry is if you pleasure her, those guys must have been either short relationships or just fun see if it's serious, be romantic, tell her how you feel, i told my girlfriend i slept with 1 girl before i met her try 3 but it hurt her enough i slept with one as i was her first, it difficult for me to keep that, if i told her it would destroy us, but at the end of the day her past or my past shouldn't matter because it was before you two started, look forward my friend don't dwell on the past. i hope all is well now.
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reader, happylife +, writes (4 May 2006):
Hey Guys,
I totally share your pain. My girlfriend is 27 and has been with 16 men before me. One of them was a one night stand and it just kills me to think about it. However, here are a few facts that are important to consider before you leave your girl:
1. The people that will make the biggest difference in your life are not the ones with the best credentials or with the best reputation, but instead they are the ones who care the most about you. To leave your woman who treats you really well for a virgin who will treat you like crap is definitely not a better deal.
2. Secondly, remember that the only reason that you know about your woman’s sexual past is that she chose to tell you. Many women will lie about the number of guys they slept with. My ex sure did and later on I found out that there were more. In fact, one of the surveys that I heard on the radio on this topic said that the one thing most women lie about the most is the number of partners they have had. So you actually need to recognize that you have yourself a very honest woman. Also realize that the only difference between your woman with a past that you don’t like and the one that you will leave her for could be a simple lie. You may end up leaving your woman for another who has been with more men than your current woman has, but will tell you that she has only been with two. Unless you run into someone who knows about her secret past, you’ll never know weather or not the number and the story your girl tells you about her past is true.
3 Think about this: How do you begin a search for someone who is a virgin or slept with just a few men when there is no way for you to ever verify that information. Had your current girl told you that she had been with only one guy prior to you, would you have known the difference? Here is a great exercise for all of you. I want you to think of all of the women that you know right now. Now lets think about the ones that have only been with one or two guys and the virgin ones. Can you name them? If so, can you verfy verifythis is true or are you just going by their word? Chances are, you may not know for sure that any of the ladies you know are truly as innocent as they may claim to be. After all, it wasn't until you dated your girl (who looked so innocent at first) that you found out that she had been permispromiscuousyourself the following questions:
3.1 How then do you leave a woman with all these great qualities, that loves you and treats you just the way you like it, to search for another woman with a quality that you can't even verify? Also
3.2 Even if you were to find someone who convinces you that she is a virgin, will she treat you better? Will she love and honor you the way your present girl does? Remember, a virgin girl that saved herself for you who treats you like crap is not a better deal.
4. The next thing you need to consider is what constitutes a deal when it comes to meeting that special person. Well I have your answer. It doesn't matter who you meet, weather she is a 10 in looks and is a virgin and treats you like a king, or she is a fat smoker who has been with 50 guys; at the end of the day being with her needs to make you feel as though you have won a trophy. If you feel this way about your current girl then she is the one. The reason you guys are upset about your girl's past is that at this point, the total package is not looking like a trophy after you look at how many guys she has been with. However, for some of you, given enough time, you will begin to recognrecognize great qualities about your girl that will make you feel that being with her is to have a trophy despite the number of guys she has been with and all the dirty stuff she did in the past.
5. There are many qualities that we expect to find in a woman. Let me just list a few that are important to me:
5.1. Great personality
5.2. Christian
5.3. Puts me first and gives me undivided attention
5.4. Responsible with money, dept, and credit (must have great credit---I do and I would hate for some woman to ruin mine)
5.5. Must look good and love herself which means eat well, diet and exercise (I'm fit and muscular and I love me a fit and elegant woman)
5.6. Non-Smoker and Non-Drinker ( I don't do either)
5.7. No children ( I don't have any either)
5.8. Non slutty (no promiscuous past)
5.9. Her family should like me and I should like them two. The same applies to my family and her.
6.0. We should both enjoy each other's company.
Ok guys, if there is a woman on earth that will meet all the qualities above I'll marry her right now. However, I have to say that there is no way on earth that I can realistically expect to find someone with all these qualities I described above. This is not the perfect world. Therefore, I have to decide what qualities are more important to me and which qualities I can sacrifice and live with. So now here is the same list as above but this time in order of priority
5.2. Christian
5.3. Puts me first and gives me undivided attention
5.6. Non-Smoker and Non-Drinker ( I don't do either)
5.1. Great personality
5.4. Responsible with money, dept, and credit (must have great credit---I do and I would hate for some woman to ruin mine)
5.7. No children ( I don't have any either)
5.5. Must look good and love herself which means eat well, diet and exercise (I'm fit and muscular and I love me a fit and elegant woman)
5.9. Her family should like me and I should like them two. The same applies to my family and her.
6.0. We should both enjoy each other's company.
5.8. Non slutty (no promiscuous past)
Now, all these qualities are very important to me. However, the top five above (5.2, 5.3, 5.6, 5.1, 5.4, 5.7) are the qualities that I am not willing to negotiate on. As for the remaining qualities, life is just not perfect enough for me to be that picky. In my eyes finding someone who has all of my non-negotiable qualities is a deal. My girlfriend meets all of my non-negotiable qualities and all of the other ones too except number 5.8. I tell you, a virgin girl who lacks two or more of the qualities above is not a better deal to me. So in my case, my girl is a trophy!!!
Only you know what qualities are important to you. Be sure to take the time to figure them out. Right down a list of your ten most important qualities in a woman and see where promiscuity ranks. In the end, right down the few qualities that you are not willing to negotiate. See how your girl ranks on your list. Allow sometime, perhaps six months to a year and decide which qualities constitute a trophy to you. You may choose to walk away from her or you may realize that you have a trophy in your hands.
One last thing, I've told my girlfriend multiple times how I feel about the number of guys she has been with. If she is going to be my lifetime partner, I should be able to talk to her about everything right? Well, that is part of the reason I've been able to look past it. Couples should be able to tell each other about their feelings, no matter how painful they may be. In this case, it is a stepping stone towards helping you get over her past.
Ask me as many questions as you would like, I have so much to share on this topic with each and everyone of you, and I know exactly how we all feel about a promiscuous past. Before you leave, scroll up and read point number one again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2006): I just discovered this site and feel compelled to contribute. I have some issues that I, too, have resolved to deal with. I've had sex with a few girls in my time, and fooled around with a few more. I'm not a virgin or a saint, but all in all, I can't say there's too much that I've done that I should be shamed of. My intimate encounters have been few and far between, nothing ever "lasting". Then I met my girlfriend. She has two kids, which used to be a deal-breaker for me, but I've basically lowered my standards by this point and decided to be cool with it.
After a couple of months I had grown quite attached to both her and the kids. It would have been my honor to be able to say they're mine, and it sometimes pains me to be reminded that they're not (like when they treat their deadbeat dad like a celebrity).
The kids are an ongoing issue that I still have mixed feelings about, but I'm not too worried about that. It will be alright I think. What really bothers me is the rest of her past, a few things about it. First off, she got started when she was 15, which is too young I think. I don't care too much for that, but ok whatever. At least 3 of her first 4 guys were long term relationships. #3 was a quick fling with a half-black guy with the biggest dick she's had. #4 was the father of her kids / husband. Up to this point, I'm not terribly crazy about it all, but it's ok.
However, after she split with her whore-phase. She had a series of casual sexual encounters with the wrong types of guys (older druggies, players, ect). She did 5 or 6 of these. So we're looking at about a dozen partners at least here, and that's just the "official" ones.
Now let's get into her work. When I met her, she was working at a massage parlor. There are, of course, certain sterotypes one might expect about massage parlors, such as: ..more things going on than just massages. For anybody not in the know (like I was), google the term "happy ending" and that should give you some idea. I used to occasionally make sarcastic comments about her work and she would get all defensive and say things like "..what is it you think goes on there?". She completely assured me that "that sort of thing" does not take place at her work. It would be illegal after all. It would be prostitution.
Anyway, after a couple months of dating and lying to me, she confessed that she used to give handjobs for an extra $20-40. She would make clients cum. She would sell sexual favors for an extra couple bills. She was a cheap prostitute whore. As much as I don't like the rest of her past, this is the worst. This is the part that infuriates me to think about. I almost left her over it, but decided to put it behind us. I did ask her to not work there anymore. One thing I did know was that there could be no future for us unil that damn place was as far in the past as possible. It was hard to bury it in the past if she was still working there. Granted, she didn't do "massages", she worked the front desk as manager. But there are just way too many things and people that she's done there for me to be ok with it.
But she's been a good woman to me. I think she was a total whore up until the day we met, but SINCE ME, she has done no wrong (unless you count lying about her prostitution for months, but I understand why she wouldn't be quick to advertise something like that). She has made a lot of sacrifices for me though. She has broken off contact with certain male "friends" that she's had relations with. Not because I told her to (I told her I wasn't going to be this controlling guy who would dare tell her who she's allowed to associate with). But I did make it clear that certain people were going to be a "problem" for our relationship, and she chose me over them. And then she quit her job for me too because I didn't like it. Of course in that case I did officially ask her to.
But the point is, she has done a lot to prove her devotion to me. She has been so good to me. How could I reward that by breaking up with her? I've already decided I was going to accept her past, and I damn well intend to stand by that. But geeze, it sure can be hard sometimes. I know dwelling on it doesn't do any good, and so I don't. But I do still catch myself thinking about her past pretty often, even if just for a moment. I'm hoping that time will put it all further behind us and it will become easier to handle. But I don't think I'll ever have as much respect for her as I wanted to have. It's hard to look at her as the woman I came to love instead of the trashy whore she used to be. It's been about 6 months since I found out about her work and I still think about it to some degree almost every day.
She knows this is hard for me and keeps telling me that I deserve so much better than her. The thing is, I can't really disagree. I mean a freakin hooker isn't exactly the type of girl I always imagined introducing to my family. But of course by the time I found out, it was already too late. And she fits in with my family so well. I can easily see her as my wife. We have talked about marriage and more kids, and I'm still onboard for that stuff. She is so great now, and our future looks promising. I just need to figure out how to get over her past, because I obviously have not yet done so.
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reader, baseball84 +, writes (3 May 2006):
hello, i was the guy that posted "A male reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2006)..." I decided to register since this i have decided to post again, anway...
in addition to what i said last time, I think it is awfull that girls are being dumped because of their past. For the post right below mine, your girl had slept with 20 guys? She says she would not have if she had known it was possible to feel how she was feeling with you? MAN SHE LOVED YOU!! and you dumped her because of it. I think you should have tried to work past that. I also think that someone should be telling girls that men value low numbers and that could mean the difference in ending up with a great guy or not. I mean once she racks up the numbers its too late.
I'm in college and my views on girls have drastically changed in the last year! I did not this this a couple years ago, but now I encourage everyone to stay virgins until marriage, man that would save a lot of fustration, definately not as fun though. I am very happy i am the only person my gf has had sex with and (sex has value to her), and i plan on holding on to because of that. I had only had sex with one other girl before her, so i am up to 2 now.
I think it is actually important now that people are matched up by how many sexual partners they have had because they will share the same value and meaning of sex; whether it is "just some sex" or something more than that, something very intimate that only people commited to eachother should share. A girl with 10+ partners will probably have very few conflics about "numbers" if she is with a guy with 10+ partners because they both have a similar value of sex. I hope i am making sense. Basically, when you meet a girl make sure your numbers are in the same range. I thinke people that are togeather should be in the same group in terms of number of sexual partners (not include the current relationship): 0-1, 1-5, 5-9, 10-20, 20-40, 40+ . Of course there are people who can move past this or that done care about this. Unfortunatly, i think that there are more girls out there in the higher groups than thre are guys, which means a guy who has been with 2 people is going to end up with a girl at 20 and be fustrated. Boy am i rambling... do i have a point? I guess I just wanted to share my view a little more.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2006): I just found out my girlfriend slept with at least 20 different guys...at least. She can't understand why I won't get back with her. the truth is she's a slut. At age 24 there is no reason to have slept with that many people. sorry girls, but it's true.
the sexual revolution is a bunch of bullshit. i think it's absolutely unacceptable for a man OR woman to have that many sexual partners. it shows that sex means nothing. call me old fashioned, but i think sex should be reserved for loving relationships. When i'm in one, I have sex as much as possible -i'm no prude. But when a lady spreads her legs so freely it means she has little in terms of any real values.
Girls, if you want a good guy -quit banging all the bad ones. My girlfriend says i'm the first person to love her and make her feel the that kind of love and respect. She claims had she known it was possible to feel this way, she wouldn't have slept with the equivalent of two soccer teams. As much as I loved her, I had to let her go. All I could envision was the 20 that had come before me (pardon the pun).
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 May 2006): Hey WillyWombat! Can't you chill out on the anonymous posting thing? I mean, do we know who YOU are? What does WillyWombat mean? And please stop cutting men down for their views on these issues. We're here to discuss these issues, to try to understand them, because we WANT to get past them. We're not here to argue about who a misogynist and who's a hypocrite. We're here to support each other, tell our stories, and hear about others.If I were to judge, I'd say you were someone who's been very hurt in the past and is now lashing out at people you perceive to be weak and cowardly.PLEASE CHILL OUT!!!My name is Jimmy*. Does this make you happy?(*real name has been changed to protect anonymity...hehehe)
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2006): Hello posters and readers! I just wanted to recommend an excellent film from a few years back on this subject: Chasing Amy. It features a guy who can't get over a girl's sexual past and the damage that does to the relationship. Clever film, well acted and funny in parts as well as thought-provoking.
As a side note, I don't think people post anonymously because they are 'cowardly' but, like me, because they simply don't see the need to put their name up there in lights. And, as someone said, because this is the net and people are always going to be to some degree anonymous. Calling yourself bunnyrabbit or something doesn't do a great deal to pin down your identity!!
I believe a person is more than their past actions. A person can change. I used to be promiscuous, my gf was too but slightly less so, and since we both recognise that trust and forgiveness are major components of love, we are doing our best to recognise each other for who we are NOW, ie two people who want a solid committed relationship.
We have both had some difficulties with this. Her main difficulty is that she sometimes puts me on a pedestal and thinks that I am irresistable to women! Nice for my ego but ultimately not helpful to trust when combined with the fact that I didn't used to resist too much! My main difficulty is that we met when we were both still in our promiscuous phase and she was very into the idea of threesomes, and had one before she met me, and now isn't into the idea of them, and I am working on letting go of that. I believe that threesomes are possible within a committed relationship, but I am willing to let go of that because oru relationship is more important to me than the 'extra' sexual thrill threesomes might bring.
To conclude, I believe we should recognise the person as who they are NOW. Even their previous behaviour was not who they WERE, it was just an expression of part of themselves. And that part may have dissolved or transformed completely.
Adios for now!
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2006): It's like this...I think my current gf has been with probably 50+ dudes. That is a conservative estimate as it gets higher every day because I am finding out about new things. Honestly, it is to a point where I am sometimes discusted to even touch her, but I love her to death so I accepted it. Am I guilty too? Yep, I've been with more than my GF has so who am I to judge?This revelation has made me rethink a lot of things. My conclusion is that in today's society sex is meaningless. People do "IT" just for the heck of it. Sometimes men do it as an ego thing. So that they can be able to say that they "Hit It." Sometimes females do it if they are horny or just because the guy is cute(lust). Sometimes, they just do it for the hell of it. Sometimes people do it because they need to feel desired and better about themselves. It happens. Sex in today's society doesn't mean anything. Before I lost my virginity I used to think that it was a special act that was to be shared between a male and a female. Now, it is an act where human beings satisfy their lustful needs. No big deal. Sex is devalued in today's society. Sadly, it is just a recreational thing. It isn't a way to show you love someone, it is just a way to have fun and an orgasm. In addition, when you get ready it is how you have kids. In today's society, it is meaningless when it comes to love. I could go to the club tonight and have sex with someone and never talk to them again. That isn't something you equate to love.Now, you just find other ways to show that you love your mate. Read the Love Languages book and find out what your partner's love language is. After that, you focus on making your relationship the best it can be. Sex doesn't mean anything anymore. Don't sweat it.
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reader, willywombat +, writes (22 April 2006):
But that isnt what you were saying before. Also when you hide behind an anon stance it could be anybody who replies all pretending to be the same person. So when one person says , for example, this behaviour from women is slutty, and another this is ok who cares - it can all get a little confusing. Understand now?
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2006): What's with your fixation on anonymous posting? It means absolutely nothing. This is the internet and we're all pretty much anonymous. What extra info would you gain from an account name? I hadn't posted before and don't anticipate I'll do so often.There is less of a double standard than you seem to think. I personally don't like promiscuous behaviour and neither do many men. That doesn't mean that we're being hypocritical. As I said in my last post, I've never had a one night stand nor will I ever. Since I take the time to get to know women and build up relationships I have only had long term relationships. What that means is that sex and love are not two separate things to me. When I have sex I am making love and that makes it meaningful. I would like someone with the same moral values as me but it seems quite hard finding someone like that. That doesn't mean I can't love women that don't share my view point. It just means there's a lot of mental anguish for myself and men like me as we struggle to accept this.
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reader, willywombat +, writes (21 April 2006):
Another anon.
Not very brave are they the men on here!
Look, women do not *let* men have sex with them, they are willing participants in a mutual thing. So that makes both the men and women who indulge as bad, or good, as each other. I have no opinions on the sex thing, just the patheticness of the male double standard.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2006): In regard to the comment "it takes two to tango, a man and a woman....so therefore it should be pretty equal", I think that anonymous (20 April) can be defended by saying that women who sleep with a lot of men often do so with men who sleep with a lot of women. Men who are commonly known as "players". A player can be defined as a male who is skilled at manipulating ("playing") others, and especially at seducing women. I would also be willing to bet a lot of money that there are many more girls with 10+ partners than there are guys with 10+ partners. That's the impression I've gotten by searching the web for people suffering from this issue. In saying that, it's not so much the number of partners that bothers me as it is the indignified situations. Guys with high or even moderate moral standards don't want to have girlfriends that will indiscriminately fuck men they don't even know sometimes in places like bar toilets. Probably they don't want a girl that would let herself be degraded in this manner. What ever happened to emotional commitment before sex? If a woman is able to have sex with strangers so easily what does it say about her ability to be faithful? Doesn't it make sex just a little less special knowing that it's not restricted to the confines of a loving relationship?
Men who have moral standards like to think that when they're having sex with a woman they love it means something to her. It might well mean something to her, beyond physical pleasure but just knowing what she's done will cause a man to question this. Can you really give your trust to such a person knowing what she's capable of? I've never had a one night stand and I never will. I think emotional stability and trust in a relationship are best attained by only making love when there is a strong emotional foundation.
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reader, willywombat +, writes (20 April 2006):
Firstly, be brave enough not to hide behind an anon stance. Secondly get some balls and realise that the world is not divided into females who are saints ans sinners. Thirdly how do you figure out that girls get it more than guys? I always thought that it takes two to tango, a man and a woman....so therefore it should be pretty equal.
Actually what you are trying to say is woman are able to be picky because men have needs that they cannot control:that they will sleep with anything and anyone. And women should be virtuous and say no and play *hard to get*?
Forgive me for thinking this is 2006 and not 1806, but didnt these antiquated views go out with the arc?
Get over yourself and get a less sexist view on life, love and the whole shebang.
I rest my case
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2006): willywombat-Here is why men get so upset about their gf's past (when the numbers are high):GIRLS ARE HAVING A LOT MORE SEX THAN GUYS!! For a guy, it usually takes a lot of effort and if everything goes well at the right place at the right time, the guy gets "lucky" - laid. For a girl, no matter what she looks like, a guy will have sex with her. Girls dont get "lucky", they get what they want. I find it very unnatractive if a girl decides she needs to have sex with so many guys. For the most part, i think it is A LOT more common these days for a girl to have many more sexual partners than the guy, way more. That is unacceptable. Girls need to not give it up so easily just because they think the "double standard" isnt fair. IT IS SLUTTY. I dont really think anyone should have more than 10 partners, and im am willing to bet a lot of money that there are many more girls with 10+ partners than there are guys with 10+ partners. unfortunatly, it looks like guys are going to have to just deal with this crap. I'm in college and i feel very lucky enough to find a girl is very very low numbers (virgin actually :) ).
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reader, lippoppop +, writes (19 April 2006):
It has been a long time since anyone posted on this. I am having similar problems and wondered whether there is anyone else who would like to continue the thread ?
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2006): well, i had only had sex with 2 guys before i met my boyfriend last year (we are no longer together). he couldn't get out of his head that one of the times it was a one-night stand. What pissed me off the most is everyday he would say he couldn't marry me b/c he would picture my one-night stand while i was walking down the isle. I broke up with him eventually b/c he was emotionally and sexually abusive. I hated how he would never answer how many girls he had slept with, but did mention that he had done a lot worse things than me. I hate the double standard, so ask yourself how many girls you have slept with (besides your girl friend)and if it is fair to feel the way you do. But, just remember, no feeling you have is wrong. When my recent ex told me he had slept with 60 girls i was in shock, but then thought he might have been making it up. if not, DISGUSTING!
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reader, willywombat +, writes (13 April 2006):
I meant to say put this as a question to draw more attention. Maybe you will get some help?
:-)
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reader, SOLVED +, writes (10 April 2006):
thanks for the tip. Where might you suggest I post?
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2006): Where might you suggest I post it?
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reader, willywombat +, writes (10 April 2006):
Solved you should post this on a seperate site. I think you would benefit form others reading your thread and commenting. I think (for the record) you and your wife are locked in a vicious cycle of oneupmanship. And it will take a helluva lot to break it.
Good luck
x
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reader, SOLVED +, writes (10 April 2006):
I am new to this forum. I appreciate your reading my post. I can't believe the things that I've done. I hope I'm a better person now. I know that you will read this and assume I'm not. If anything, you may want to show it to your wives to show them how good they have it. I am in a similar position to most of you but I have acted in a manner that's much worse than you. I will tell my story and accurately. I hope I get something out of it and I hope you do as well.
I was raised in an Irish Catholic household. We were led to believe that women were supposed to be somewhat pure prior to marriage. I came from extremely strict household.
I am a 42-year-old male. I'm at my wife in 1980. When I saw her in my heart stopped. She was two years my senior and 19 at the time. She was the third person I was with ever. Shortly after we met she disclosed to me that she was with 13 people prior to me. For whatever reason I really didn't have a problem with that. I know she came from a broken home, her father was an alcoholic, she was put out to fend for herself at 16 years old. Strangely enough, to this day she is still the nicest person I have ever met.
Within four months of our going out and practically living together she decided to go back to her boyfriend whom she loved since the ninth grade. This was devastating to me. The fact that she was having sex with someone else was too much for me. I knew she was the woman I would spend the rest of my life with. Within two months she left him for me. I was a party to the breakup and he was very upset.
When she came back to me I was so upset that I struck her. From time to time over the next three years I would call her bad names and sometimes strike her. I loved her so much but I was a weak person and resorted to violence or name calling often.
It came to a point when she would not put up with it anymore and she left me. She immediately slept with my arch enemy. She then slept with about another five people. After that she returned to me, and confessed. We moved in together and then I proceeded to sleep with almost anyone I could. I was so hurt and I didn't know what to do. I did good for a period of time and then called her bad names and she moved out again. She moved to New York City. Where she slept with another eight men in a period of one year. Mind you 50% of these were one night stands and not one relationship in her life except me and our previous boyfriend ever slept with her more than three times. The kicker is that she is an extremely attractive woman.
Low and behold she called me in 1990. We went out. She became pregnant. I married her. By the time we got married I had slept with about 100 women. She promised me that she told me everything about her past. I told her about my past in totality. I told her the reasoning behind the my conquest were related to her in so much as each one of them was a payback for me. This is the absolute truth.
At our wedding her maid of honor told me of three additional men. She also notified me that one of them could have been the father of this child. I went ballistic. I didn't say anything to my wife but I slept with the maid of honor.
When my wife found out about this I told her the truth. I told her that this woman explained to me about the other three men. I told her that I did not want to get a paternity test and that I would be the father either way. She was overjoyed. But something inside me told me that she still wasn't telling me the truth. I owned a successful business and my wife never worked a day since we been married. The whole time though I had a sixth sense that let me know there was more. As a result I slept with everyone I could. Since we were married I slept with another 80 women the last one was her sister.
My wife has been true to me since our wedding day. I have done my homework and confirmed this. She raised two beautiful children. We remained friends throughout our marriage. The just that I could not come to grips with anything that she had done. I've lived in a world of revenge. I tried to get even. I never showed her my love. Three times throughout our marriage I sat down with her and told her the women I was with. I told her why I did it. She would immediately forgive me. I think that's because there was still more to tell on her side. Mind you, she lived a quite lavish lifestyle, we have homes in three countries, we had a live in Nanny, expensive cars and everything that goes with that.
In the month of June my father became critically ill. I returned to the church. I visited with a spiritual healer from the church. My wife and I went through spiritual rebirths with this Monsignor who truly has the gift of the Holy Spirit. He had us confess everything to each other. It was then that I found out about the five other men she was when in New York. For the first time I was not mad at her. The spiritual healing had made all the difference. All the reading in the world could not get me to forgive her, I believe it's because deep down I hated myself. We still have some issues but over all I have forgiven her. It's amazing and I know this is hard to believe but she has forgiven me as well.
I will say there are times when I still feel bad but I haven't had relations with anyone since June nor have I said anything mean-spirited to my wife. She cries to meet all the time about her past. She explains to me that her mother (who had been married five times) never told her once to refrain from sex.
What I had wished for is that if had sex with only me after she met me. Part of me will never know if she really loved me then. She says she did. This haunted me for years. After the healing those feelings and questions came up much less often.
We now pray every night together for better understanding of each other. It has made all the difference in my life. I know it sounds corny but if you tried everything else it might be worth it to give this a shot.
I know that you're all going to rip me apart and I can’t honestly say I blame you
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reader, willywombat +, writes (9 April 2006):
Why do they need to *tell the truht from the beginning?* And why would you NED to know if it is going to hurt you so much? You slept with 11 people....why is that any dofferent? What is the importance of a wpman having slept with less people than you? Does this make you feel like a big amnly man or that you are more *experienced* than her or something?
Has it ever occured to you that just maybe she didnt *tell the truth* because of the judgemental way you obviously view women?
It is time these ridiculous double standards in society are thrown out. Why is it deemed unacceptable for her to have more sexual partners than you?
Your (and the MALE ANONS who ahve voiced their opinions on here) hypocrisy stinks. Get a life and get over yourselves. Move on. You cannot change the past.
Why is it a man is a stud and a woman a whore for doing the same thing?
????
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2006): First off, this is the first site I've found that's helped me deal with this topic. About 2 weeks ago I found out that my girlfriend of 2 years had slept with 15 guys. She originally told me 7, which I was OK with (I've been with 11). The lie came out when I discovered she slept with one of my roommates friends about 4 years ago. Being that his name was not on the roster she gave me, I exploded on her and she tearfully admitted her "true" number. What girls need to understand is they NEED to tell the truth from the beginning. I feel like I was tricked into falling in love with her, since had I known I would have never continued the relationship. Learning her was that much higher made it feel like she had just gotten screwed by another 8 guys in a matter of a week. It made my head spin.I still don't know what to do with her. The number is one thing, but what hurts the most is the lying.
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reader, willywombat +, writes (7 April 2006):
There are a lot of answers on here from men saying that they cannot get over *slutty* behaviour, referring to *conquests* etc. I find that offensive. I find it offensive in 2006 that it would appear a large majority of men find a problem in their gf or wives having had a life sexual or otherwise previous to when they got togather with whoever.
The point I was making about being a sexist pig stems from some of the answers you have got on this page. What makes me laugh even more is the majority of these people hide behind the *anonymous* posting so they can say what they want without being found *offensive*......
I know you came on here to find support, but I cannot believe that this stuff rattles round in your head causing a problem for you and your GF. There is no way of getting past this unless you chose to push these thoughts out of your head when they pop up. Or by going to get some some od counselling that can teach you how to dael with thoughts like this.
FYI I was not calling you a sexsist pig, I said *in case someone compares you to a sexsist pig! And it could be directed at a lot of the views on here expressed about females *slutty* behaviour! It takes two to have sex....
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2006): And hey WillyWombat...there was no need for such an offensive answer from you. I'm not trying to be a sexist pig. If you read my post, you'd see I'm trying to get over what I feel is my own problem so I can let this love for my woman flow free and unencumbered. I'm here to get some support and insight...not to be called names.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2006): You're absolutely right. Now that I'm more mature, I see that the "conquests" aren't important. I'm trying to get this warped view out of my head. I believe it stems from women being in control over who gets in and who doesn't, so when you "pass the test," it speaks volumes about you as a man. And after getting denied (as all men have been), you take it when and how you can get it. You don't want to think about your woman being with too many men, because you want to feel special. If she's been with many men, it dilutes that feeling of being special, which can kill intimacy, as well as your ego.
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reader, willywombat +, writes (7 April 2006):
Conquest? Purleeze! She cannot be a conquest, by saying that your are acting as if she had no choice to sleep with these men. A conquest = being conquered. Get over it.
Guess what males and females are equal in society nowadays. So how about getting an update on the views you hold, just in case somebody mistakes you for a sexsist pig?
The past is just that - the past....where is the problem in having a past?
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2006): Wow...I'm so glad I found this thread. I've been going NUTS. I am so in love with such a wonderful woman...and she has the storied past.Her parents went through an ugly divorce, and then she had no role models. She started having sex at 14, as well as getting into drugs, such as speed. She stripped for 6 years in her early 20s, and had plenty of sex with boyfriends, and I'm sure other guys. She's been with many women as well. At 16 her and her BF used to invite a guy friend of theirs over and they would have sex in front of him while he masturbated. She also posed nude in several fetish magazines and videos, but never did anything hardcore, i.e. never showed pussy lips or had any kind of sex. But here's the whammy: She revealed that she had had a threesome with 2 guys, and that one of the guys got it on video. The worst thing about it is that the guy still has the tape. This was 10 years ago, a lifetime ago, but I'm so worried that the tape will surface and haunt us. God, just listing off all this stuff causes me such anxiety.She is an absolutely beautiful woman, and she's 30. Of course a woman like that has had plenty of time to accrue a healthy sexual past. She's is a goddess in bed with me, likes to dress up and get as freaky as I want her to be. I myself am no angel. I'm 31, and I've been with 55 women. I've had MMF and FFM threesomes, and done plenty of raunchy stuff. To me, it was like some sort of a contest to rack up the "conquests" which is why I think I get horrified when I think of the woman I love being someone else's conquest.I know I can't change the past, and I know everything she did before led her to become the wonderful woman I'm with today. When she was stripping, she got to the point where she hated the drugs and the lifestyle, and she pulled herself out of that world. But this still DRIVES ME CRAZY. I'm on Xanax because of it. I feel like this issue has more to do with me than with her, and I'm struggling to get to the root of it so I can move on. I love her, I want to accept everything about her, and she's the first girl I've ever wanted to marry.Anyway, that's my rambling story.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2006): How ironic. I'm sorry sugar, but I do feel for you, as I am a WOMAN in much the same position w/my own boyfriend. See, I got a job at a company where my BOSS was in a threesome w/him. It has been 2 yrs since I've found out, and it is STIFF affecting how I act towards him, I know it does, because the images still haunt me everyday. I had to work there, with her, everyday, and deal w/her hitting on me because she and her husband (the guy who did the threesome w/them) wanted to 'swing' w/us. The only thing that kept me working there was the inability to find a decent enough job w/the benefits, and I have two kids....I toughed it out, and pretended like nothing was the matter.But it still eats me up. Thank god she moved away, after divorcing her husband, but still called me because she thought we were friends....I got my stuff disconnected/changed, ain't heard from her since :)I hated having his past thrown at me everysingle day, because she'd try to give me advice about him, etc.....I hated this woman.All I can say, hon, is TRY to find the person you fell in love with....I KNOW it is HARD. I'm still struggling, don't think there aren't nights where I just sleep on the couch because my head won't 'shut up'. (Partly due to OCD, lol).Actually, the only thing that helped me is when they put me on Zoloft, but it all came back once I was off the meds, and my boyfriend started bringing up having a threesome, swapping, etc.....So, yeah...that's about where we're at right now, lol. I want my meds back! (I actually just read an article where they showed SSRI's actually helped w/severe jealousy....that really caught my interest, as it reminded me of my experience w/the Zoloft). But hon, my prayers are with you...when something traumatizes you, something traumatizes you, and it will leave a 'mark'. But, my daddy always told me, "A little trauma builds character". Hee hee....I'm one hell of a character, let me tell ya, lmao.Peace buddy, and good luck w/yer ole lady!~The Freaky Girl You'd Never Think Would Be Jealous, But Is INSANELY
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 April 2006): Hey,
I am having a similar problem. I am 23 and have had 4 partners, my girlfriend is 27 and has had at least 7. My girlfriend's past bothers me. It's not especially slutty she mostly has had boyfriends and only one one-night-stand that I know of. I don't pry, I know everyone has a past but unless it needs to be told I don't want to know. I never talk about my ex's. The problem is she is always talking about her ex boyfriends and telling me what she liked and disliked about them. She tells me how I remind her of a certain one. She is more than open, this is all unsolicited information. She says she doesn't mind knowing about my past but never asks any questions. She has called me her ex's name accidentally and thinks that it is nothing for me to be upset over. When she tells me about these guys I wanna strike back and tell her about my ex's amazing breasts etc. but I know this is wrong. Should I try and hold it together as is, or should we just lay it all out on the table and see what happens?
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 April 2006): I found out a while ago that my girlfriend has slept with over 30 guys (only 2 boyfriends). She basically had a network of 'fuck buddies' and they'd use each other for sex - several at the same time. I also found out that she had unprotected anal sex a couple of times with one of them. Great.
However, the one that really got me is that when she was younger she had a foursome with three guys. My feelings for her have totally changed - I just get images of her getting used like a piece of meat.
I can't get this out of my head...
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2006): I know exactly how you’re feeling. I'm 22 and so is my (ex) girlfriend. We split up just over three weeks ago, after 18 months, because of my problem accepting her past. She was the most loving, loyal girl I could ever wish to meet, but her past was just too much for me to deal with. She's had sex with 15 different men, and 1 woman. Some of the guys she slept with were serious boyfriends, some weren't. I'm no angel myself, and I do have a bad reputation for sleeping around, but my total figure didn't come anywhere near hers. There was one person in particular I couldn't deal with. In my head, all I could see was her performing numerous sexual acts on him (which I knew about in graphic detail!), and the fact that they were never in a serious relationship made it all the more worse. We had such an honest relationship, which in retrospect was probably a bad thing. Looking back, I find myself asking 'Should we have been so open about past experiences with each other? What has it achieved?' Ultimately, it's just made me feel insecure and very jealous and resulted in months of vicious, nasty arguments. I guess I couldn't cope with the fact that we weren't entering the relationship on an 'even' playing field, and the lack of my experience compared to the amount she’s had, left me feeling angry, jealous and hurt. So I guess it was for the best we split up. We're going to remain friends if possible, but if nothing else, the relationship has taught me a valuable lesson. Never let a partners past result in you resenting them. If you get to that stage, trust me, it's best to move on and try and get on with your life. Good luck buddy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 March 2006): Dude, I have the same problem. I love my girlfriend but I can't get her past out of my head either. Recently, its been so bad I can't even bring myself up to sleeping with her. I hate for her to feel like she isn't beautiful anymore but I just can't do it. My mind is numbing from the thoughts. I don't mind her number of partners so much, but she had slept with people who she didn't even love. Her views on sex is so trivia that it pisses me off. I don't mean to sound like too sensitive, but making love is something that should be exclusive to people with a strong emotional foundation... If you guys can come up with a solution to this please I would like to know also.. because i am beginning to feel that my relationship is going to end soon. P.S. I did try to talk to her about it, but it only frustrated her... I don't want to hurt her anymore with my own problems but I need to resolve them and don't know how, I am saddened by the realistic option of just ending it before I hurt her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2006): Im not logged in, so I will be anonymous here, I am 24 , I have somewhat of sleeping around past, but not much, I was in 2 orgies, with different people each time, and I did it sober and willingly, my girlfriend has a horrible sexual past she was raped by an older classmate when she was 12, and having problems keeping it to herlself afraid of what people would say, she became depressed, started to drink later in life, and problems with her family made her even more rebelious, she started to really drink heavily, till she passes out, she told me after 2 years that I ve been with her, that 4 years ago, when she was at the top of depression and selfloathing caused by alcohol abuse, she participated , allegedly, in two orgies too, she doesnt remenber anything, the number of the people envolved, nothing, she just remenbers waking up sore downthere two days, right after that, in remorse, started to damn herself for that, feeling dirty and depressed for not remenbering and not ever really wanted to participate, well... we are together 2 years now, I was known to be a dick to her in the begging of our relationship, I didnt give her much attention but ot changed and now I love her more that ANYTHING but 2 weeks ago she told me about that crazy drunk orgy she doesnt remenber, and she told me crying, I was shocked but I know I coudnt be hypocrite and I couldnt judge her and I kept saying I love her the same, but the mental pictures...they get into my dreams and daily life, I cant get rid of them, Ive cried a lot... she ditto... its being a huge source of problem for us coz I cant take this horrible depressed look off my face...its hard... but its no reason to end relationships, it should be nothing actually, just the NOW matters, if you trust your partner, and you love each other and you consider each other great intimate friends, than its ALL,... ALL that matters
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2006): everyone this is the solution to all this.No sex before marriage will avoid all this.sleep with someone after you get married to that person.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2006): I also have a European girlfriend like the guy with the Danish girlfriend. It is true European girls do sleep around alot more but big deal.I did have a problem with the 27 guys she has slept with by age 26 but after a while (a couple of months) it is not really that big a deal. Guys,remember the other guys are not sitting around thinking about the sex they had with your girl. But, I would never want my girl to be friends with a guy she slept with before me..that is a big problem. My girlfriend cut off every man she has slept with when we started dating. This issue is not the big deal in Europe as it is in the United State. We realize women like sex and we really dont sit around bragging all day about who we slept with. We actually feel the new boyfriend is the winner not the loser....he won the girl in our eyes. My girlfriend broke up with all her last 5 boyfriends she dated before me..sounds like she is the winner and so am I. FORGET THE PAST BEFORE SHE IS IN SOMEONE ELSES ARMS.Then you will really have something to write to this sita about. Any guy walking down the street with a sexy girl will make all other guys jealous even if you meet the guys she slept with before you.They will be jealous of you and see you as the winner .
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2006): WOW..1st I just wanted to thank EVERYONE who reply. This is the 1st site I really felt as people understand.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2006): I agree sort of with the having it both ways thing although i find the tone of that post to be kinda harsh. I know girls who go out partying or are at times in situations where they know they're doing something that is risky or frowned upon but do it anyways knowing they're wrong. A lot of the times if they're asked about how they'll deal with having to have soemone they date later know about it, they simply say they'll lie.Also another insight guys is that really most of these girls probably don't regret what they did as much as you would wish they did. Whatever their reasons, even if its something as simple as it felt good or was exciting, they were enough at the time to make them do it and odds are they only regret it cause its stopping them from getting something they want now which is kinda selfish i suppose. But then again you don' thave to be with them. If you think what they've done shows problems with their personality then don't be with them cause what they like and what they are likely to do in a given situation won't change. At least the feelings won't. They might not do it anymore but it won't be because of the reasons you want it to be, it'll most likely be because its stopping them from getting somethign they want now. Could be stability, could be they have a harder time snagging decent partners as they get older. Truth is whatever their reasons, you'll never really know and you'll have to make a decision. Its probably not what you want to hear but its more than likely the truth.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2006): I think one of the biggest problems is the feeling that these "sluts" are trying to have it both ways. Or at least it must feel that way to the guys/girls they're with. Its no mystery that guys like girls who show virtue or selectivity. I can't say for sure but I could understand it being the same vice versa. Its always looked upon as a positive quality although its gonna matter more to some than others. Its also no mysetery, especially to the girls who are doing these slutty things, that their actions are degrading or unappealing and aren't anything to be proud of. Why do you think so many of these "sluts" are so self-righteous or defensive or secretive or even lie about the things they've done. So guys who end up with these girls at a point where they "dont want to be that way anymore" and they don't want to be sluts anymore they want to be respected or married are gonna feel gypped. You can't be slutty as the day is long for a significant portion of your life thinking "well one day i'll settle down and be good" and then when that day comes expect the person you're with to be okay about who you were. You don't get to have it both ways. And don't be shocked to find that when you decide to settle with someone that they don't view it as being the "honor" you do. A lot of "sluts" will say "but you're the one I want to spend my life with" as though its supposed to feel like an honor being given. To most people having to deal with having a "slut" as a bf or gf its not going to be an honor because there's been no honor in the way you've lived your life prior. I guarantee this is probably the biggest part of the problem for most. That feelign that you're being suckeered into being with and loving someone who has been happy for most of their life to be a slut to others. you feel that they are trying to have it both ways and by being with them you are gratifying that when really who they have been isn't anything that deserves gratifying, especially from someone like yourself. Its your life and you only get to pick one person to exalt in it...is this "slut" really the person who deserves that? Have they done anything besides disrespect themselves to prove they are worth that?Its up to you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2006): Hi GuysI agree with much of whats been said and was losing it myself and now I face a whole new problem. Like many on this thread I chose to leave my gf. I figured the mental anguish would end right there and then and I'd move on and I'd finally be free in my head. Problem is that it hasn't gotten any better because I really did love her. I disagree with those who have said if you really loved her you'd be able to accept it. I think thats insulting to the emotional state of the people suffering here looking for help. Truth is in relationships while love is essential it is not the only component that counts. In the real world we look for things in a mate beyond bare love, contrary to the disney-esque ideas that state love is all that matters. Outside of love I personally need peace of mind and I can't get that with my ex cause of her dirty history. Also the past isn't something to be ignored like some have suggested. Thats totally selective perception. If the person you were with had an exemplory past I'm sure you would be quick to mention it as a source of pride and value it in that situation. Why then should we ignore the past when its a source of shame? It seems any mate who would have to ask that of their partner is being selfish in my opinion and is, like some have mentioned, resting on excuses and pretty yet inaccurate cliches like "the past is the past".I do agree that in the end you only have two options: stay or leave. The problem is you'll never win with either. You want to stay with the person you love and leave the person you think is a dirty whore. In this case they happen to be the SAME PERSON, just at different times. While I do agree that the present is what matters most, moreso than the past, you are still in a compromised position because you're having to deal with baggage that you really feel like you shouldn't have to deal with. Especially if you're a person who is different from your partner and have tried to lead an upstanding life, like myself. I chose to leave but to try and keep my ex in my life as a friend. Its not going so well because now I suffer doubly - I still think about her shitty past and I'm saddened by the fact I feel like I can't be with someone that I love. If I cut her off totally the problem will completely shift into the "not being with someone you love" thing even if I stop worrying about her shit past. Also I have been with 2 girls since - in very respectable and dignified situations - and in both cases my ex's past and our old relationship messed with my head in terms of how I carried myself. Neither of the 2 ended up working out for me. Last I would like to offer my extended sympathy to those who's slut gf's still have kept in contact with/ are friends with/ still talk to any of the guys they used to fuck. My ex has baggage left and right, be it with guys she's messed around with, dated or used to get used by. Keeping these guys around doesn't seem to bother her cause lots of them are now her "friends" and she never stopped to consider how disrespectful carrying on in these relationships would be for the person she was with. I didn't become that selfish person who demands she sever all ties, but the fact that she wouldn't do this without me prompting sucked. I understand that there are probably a few guys who truly are friends with her and I wouldn't ask that she lose a friend over me, but it sucks to know that your girl still associates with guys who have her under their belt as a glorified fuck story. Anyways, I'm obviously not any better and I think its a shit thing that people won't try harder to be relationship/love oriented in modern society. All these shallow paths to "fun" usually end up compromising what really matters, if only by that I mean the peace of mind you are able to afford someone who truly loves you and wants to keep you as theirs. If you truly believe in love and a full relationship then you have to understand that you are going to have to share ALL aspects of who you are and have been with the person you choose to share your life with. The person who chooses to keep you has to keep ALL of you. I don't know why people would make themselves something hard to hold on to, unless they didn't value love over fleeting pleasures. I also don't think you get to have it both ways, although thats for sure what most women posting here with the "the past is the past" thing are trying to do. Anyways. Just letting you know even if you leave you don't win.K-
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2006): I am going absolutely nuts on the same subject. love the girl but am trying to get over the past. I've already made it clear that it was the past and either you put it behing you, meaning you don't talk or communicate with them, or I can't handle this anymore. Thats where i'm at, I googled it as well..I was losing my mind this week. I kind of held it in for a few months but had to get it off my chest. So right now we are working through it, i've asked for total honesty and hope i'm getting it. We'll see if i can deal with it, i just hate the drama i'm putting her through. It's really not fair...and i haven't been the best person..going nuts.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2006): Don't sweat the small stuff. And really this subject is small and pathetic but I've experienced the same thoughts and feelings. But then i think. What about all the other shit I've put her though. Spoken to her like shit, looked through her stuff, made her cry, threatened her, been a total dick to her and shes still with me. And here i am thinking of throwing away my relationship because she thought these other guys would be decent so she gave it up??? PLEASE Shed give me the shirt of her back and I'm thinking of her past? No way. And how in God's name can people say, "Oh she's only stopped beacuse she's sick of that lifestyle" Like yeh she comes that conclusion overnight. I spoke to of all people my mum on this subject. And she made it so simple, If she really wanted that lifestyle she would have left you already. "You shouldn't let it bother you beacuse you could throw away something good" Our lives are planned out before any of us were here, these people were put into our lives for a reason, don't fight it. She makes me happy the sex is great I get to benefit from someone elses loss. Thats how i see it. She's rolling with me for good. And I'm proud she's my lady. Don't make her pay for past if she's decent she already has.
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reader, dannylaw1 +, writes (27 January 2006):
Mystify, Thanks. I'll probably be dealing with this crap for a little while longer. But it should go away to the back of our minds eventually. I've overcome much greater obstacles in my life and I'm sure you have too. This week is already better than last. The future will be filled with more and more great sex and less and less time spent mulling over stupid bullshit. Good luck!-Dan
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reader, mystify +, writes (27 January 2006):
 heya dannylaw,
i wrote you a reply but my putors messing i dont know if it will be posted but after reading your post again i realise you and me are so alike , what strikes me most is where you say you like to think your girl has shanged but not cos she loves you... just cos SHE has , it could be words from my own mouth , :0S (but with he instead of she :P)
sorry if i came across defensive i get that way when i feel im being critised, but we have so much in common, want perfection when we ourselfs are not?! heh... this helped me too
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2006): Mystify!if you don't have regrets over your past which you claim that you don't,how then would you view your partner's feelings?do you tell him that you don't have regrets about it?actually would your father of your children feel ok about living with a woman who appreciates him and at the same time appreciates her Xs?by the way,you mentioned that because of your past sexual life,your husband is currently ripping the benefits of these experiences,however,I would like to remind you that sexual experience can be obtained with one partner,you don't need much to learn how to have sex,and the more love grows among the partners the more sex becomes enjoyable therefore the more you get techniques cause you trust that person so much then,what I wanna say here is that you don't have to appreciate your past because of what you obtained now,you could have obtained it with a dozen men,and you could have obtained it with 6,like you could have obtained with one,but the fact is that the more you try other men,the more you see different expressions,different kind of sex,different pleasure,different flesh feeling...etc.if I knew that my partner is not feeling sorry for her past(knowing that she was used,and indeed OPENED HER LEGS for a worthless love)then I would reconsider living with her..why?simply because I would go and search for someone else out there who would really appreciate me solely because I'm her man,I'm the one who chose her,with her past,I'm the one who is not willing to use her,and if she knows that I know that I think like this then everything is ok,but frankly I don't need a woman who appreciates what she did in her past(though USED)just because she experienced sex,allright we are humans and we have our sexual primitive(though it is healthy and important) needs,but overall I have my mind to think,and this brain which God gave me,functions in a way that shows me what is right and what is wrong,in short,I would sit and think about what I did in my past,and if I see that I have been used or I have done something stupid,then it is extremely important to realize that'hey listen this is not the way it should go'and then I should have a kind of remoarse or anger about what I did,regardless of the sex I had and the fleshy things I experienced.I'm not preaching but indeed when it comes to sex,it is very sensitive,I like to know that my girl is only for me,and I like to know that what she offers me wasen't offered to somebody else before me,but unfortunately it is just not the way it goes,however,what we can do is that we can always search for the core of our souls by indeed acknowledging that women and men are alike and that both of them are living on planet earth and they should experience on an equal basis what is there to experience(wheather it was sex or something else),but we should put in our minds that we shouldn't be greedy,then the meaning of everything goes.we should not cross the red limits of sensibility,because by then the spiritual pleasure is gone,and then indeed everything becomes materialistic,including love,if you tell me that you loved your 25 partners,then for heaven's sake where is love?,it is no more love,it is material.Unfortunately the definition of love is lost between the intense fleshly needs,and the deep difficult-to-attain spiritual need,but love exists in my opinions
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reader, dannylaw1 +, writes (26 January 2006):
Mystify,"Pull a bloke?" I see the problem, you're from Austrialia or maybe worse the U.K. Just kidding : )Seriously, thank you for your post it was very interesting and informative and it gave me a healthy perspective on an issue that has been rather difficult to deal with this past week. I apologize for characterizing it as feminist propaganda, it had all the earmarks of that ilk, but you are clearly trying to help people. Your point of view is identical to my girlfriend's and it is very helpful to have it articulated as eloquently as you have. I understand that women chase men. I didn't have to chase after all of the women I slept with, often it was me falling ass backward into sex when I was drunk, often with a woman that was less attractive than someone I would date or pursue when my faculties were about me (probably says something about my character and is something my girlfriend wouldn't be too thrilled about). I can't nor would I want to judge your past, but as far as my girlfriend goes, she was a slut. There is no denying it. I read about it in graphic detail. This is not a number issue, if she had slept with 25 people or more under meaningful circumstances I wouldn't have a problem. You have to understand that no man wants their future wife to be some girl who used to sleep her way down frat row. The only way for me move on and spend the rest of life with her is to recognize that she has changed. Not that she has changed because she is love with me (which she is), but that prior to meeting me she changed for herself because she began to value her sexuality as more than a thrill and an orgasm. I understand that people are individuals and men and women have far more similarities than differences. Speaking with my girlfriend and reading your posts has made me realize that. The way you and I feel about our significant others past and the way they feel about ours is evidence that it is not an exclusively male/female issue. However, the overwhelming majority of the posts that I have seen on the internet (I am one of those men who googled this looking for an answer), have been men dealing with their girlfriend's past. Now to use feminist parlance this is possibly a construct of the patriarchal hegemony that we have grown up under. However, I believe that it is something more, something physiological and something spiritual. I understand that men and women have the capability to devalue themselves equally sexually and sleep around for the sheer physical pleasure of it. But to me that makes us animals, and I'd like to think that my girlfriend is less of an animal than I have been in the past. I understand your point about an extensive sexual past giving rise to a bright sexual future with your husband, I am very happy that is the result for you and I know that it is the result for me too. However, I think that should come through meaningful relationships and not casual fucking (at least when it comes to my partner). Unlike you I do have regrets about my promiscuity. I wish I found my girlfriend over 30 women ago. But there is nothing I can do to change that. In any case, I don't intend this post to be confrontational. I am sincerely grateful for your response and appreciate your willingness to give advice which I think is very good.
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reader, mystify +, writes (26 January 2006):
hey Dannylaw1,
you really seem very naive about women!
first of all i am not a feminst, feminsts hate men and spend all day putting men down in general and usually dont try to impress them, i in fact love men , i have a husband who i always try and impress 2 sons who i teach to grow up with a healthy self image and a father i look up to with respect!
Do you REALLY think that it is just men who chase women!!!!!
well i dont think you are really seeing the truth (or maybe you dont get out much)...
as a woman who has been single and has many single friends i can tell you that women spend nearly all their time at bars trying to pull a bloke , some women are even scarily pushy about it to the point where i seen men hiding!, and even when i have been stood with my husband i have had to bat women away that just come straight up and try dragging him off!!!
whenever im out i see endless women trying to pull a bloke , yes most the time at first going for the good looking ones (AS MEN DO WITH WOMEN) but failing that going for their mate or the guy left standing next to them when leaving the club.
no its not just men who chase women and if its your job and what you live for please dont assume that this is how all men feel some men actually have really important special jobs and things to live for like being a father , or working towards something really matters to their soul!
as for the women just showing up business again i think you are judging all men by your own standards , assuming that this is the way you feel so this is the way all men feel!
Lots of men are really picky and i can tell you i have seen many women throwing themselves at men only to be turned down, like ive said before its not to do with gender its individual, so women dont just have to show up , if that was the case no woman would ever get turned down and i KNOW that they do! ALOT!
you say YOUR PROBLEM is that she did it with four guys around the same time but your actaul problem is your double standard, you already said that you have done some quite disgusting things once or twice so you should understand that if its ok for you then its ok for her , but you are just being hypocritical!
you say if slept around with 4 girls you would have no respect for them, well i got news for you ...if i slept around with 4 guys i would have no respect for them either , its exactly the same.
You say if a girl did this with 4 men you would find it difficult to respect her, but i can tell you that if a guy did this then i WOULDNT respect him...its exactly the same.
You say you assume my fear is that other men will read this and feel thier issue is thier girlfriends fault!, you assume wrong, i dont have any fear, i am simply trying to educate any men who feel this way into seeing that thier hypocrisy is insulting to women , and educate people into seeing that women get horny , have lusts, desires , and fantasys , and get so much more out of sex than these men here seem to think they do , so when they have sex they are not being a slut who open her legs 'FOR MEN' they are doing it cos they got horny and they are doing it cos they want to and it feels good 'FOR THEM TOO', it seems though that you want to keep your eyes closed than learn about what sex really is to women who have lots of sex.
You say that you have evidence that the double standard is justified simply because your girlfriend isnt bothered by your sexual past even though you have been with many more women than she has men and you are extemely bothered by hers,
well how about if i tell you that i have slept with 25 men and my husband is not in the least bit bothered by it, in fact only 1 of the 7 long term boyfriends ive had have nbeen bothered by my sexual past at all, BUT my husband has slept with only 5 women and i am bothered sometimes to the point of distraction (my problem not his) about it!
So there you have it your evidence simply mean that you are like me and your girlfriend is like my husband and we are all individuals. btw if your girlfriend did know the disgusting once or twice incidents whos to say she wouldnt be bothered by it 2, just a thought!
lastly i am not using this forum for any reason other than to help people, the guy who asked this question was overwhemled with a response from guys all saying that he has nothing more than a reformed slut of a girlfriend and he just has to deal with that , well i USED this forum to offer him a deeper insight within a womans mind oferring him a different viewpoint which is what this sites about! i know his problem was a while ago but , there are lots of other men who might feel the same and google the problem and find this page (which is how i found the site) which might be able to take something away about what i have said, there is no propaganda i am offering my advice the same as all the men contradicting it , the only difference is i dont sit here and say that they are using this site to launch stupid propagander when i dont like their answers.
Lastly you say the only women who say there is a double standard are women who cant handle their own sluttiness , well i am saying that within the narrow minds of SOME men there is a double standard and i am NOT a slut and i love who i am and i have no regrets about anyone i have slept with, in fact if anything its taught me about haow to give and recieve good sex and now my husband is lapping it up , i dont think he would change me and i certainly wouldnt.
i really hope this opens your eyes a little on women, and humans as individuals.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2006): Hey wait there!just in response to the lady who was writing a while ago,I posted a comment here and here Iam posting the other while I was reading on a daily basis this forum!First of all as I wrote in my first response,my girlfriend(who is my wife now)had had before me multiple-relationships,while for me it was my very first love(and my very first sexual experience)....talking about double standards,my wife at the begining of this relationship with her,and though she liked me,didn't like the fact that I don't know how to make love to a woman,she showed her dissatisfaction that she had to teach me(and you can imagine how much embarassed I was to know this,instead of trying to make me relax since it is the first time)in other words she wanted a good fucker(who knows how to do a woman,someone who already discovered all the labyrinthes of women)so to make it straight she wanted a bad boy,cause in general,most women(not all of them)tend to like bad boys,who have HAD lot's of relationships(that satisfies their egos,cause one they would feel content that this good girls-hunter chose them from all the girls around him,and two she would be sure that he knows how play the art of 'sweet-talking'),because as you all know we as human beings are sometimes self-deceitful,we like to hear good things about us even though it is not right,women like to deceive themselves when it comes to l'amour....my woman told me that all men used her in the past,and she told me that she knew it in a way and yet she chose to go on with the guy until there was a time when the guy had used her for years and years,and then dumbing her...her last boy-friend stayed with her for five years,and when she was away from her country he dumbs her with an email,he told her that he can not get commited to such a person and that he already has a girlfriend.....Imagine that she begged him not to dumb her though he told her already that he was not interested anymore in her...he even offered her a totally unfair relationship to be a secret concubine of his while he keeps the other official girlfriend and SHE ACCEPTED IT....she even commenced to put plans about this secret relationship,the way it should go,and how both of them should prepare for it(since it is secret)...of course,I can not blame my wife for this disgusting story,why?because she loved him:-/,because she loved him she let herself conscienscly and unconscienscly to be used...so as a conclusion,yes some women are aware of the fact that they are being used and they accept it...atleast men don't do it(I speak for myself)......I'm no hypocrite,I'm no manipulater,I'm no zigzaging....and that's why I have had only one relationship probably,but with grieve I would say,that now because of being like that I find myself in a situation whereby I feel myself Mr.Husband,in other words I feel that my wife has had enough playing around(I wouldn't say sluttiness cause she denies that she was slutty and I believe her)and since time is running rapidly she had got to realise that it is about time that she should settle down,but this all falls on my head!I feel that she realised that she has had enough with free life(like camping and smoking and drinking and having a nose ring,and multiple relationships and sexual pleasure)and that now I am the husband who should breed girls and boys,and work hard to run the family.unfortunately,currently my sexual life with her is not that promising(we do it about once every two weeks)and even when we do it it doesen't work fine.she is always nagging and commenting,and she gets easily nervous.if you ask me do you feel yourself in an unfair relationship concerning the past life,I would say YES,I'm being no hypocrite when I'm saying this,because the love I'm offering her,was never offered to someone else before her,while the love she offers to me is nothing compared to the love she offered to her other lovers,I feel so much down,I know she loves me and wants to live with me for ever,but it hurts to know that she has tried and seen everything before me,don't tell me it is equal because it is not.so to the female who was saying that we are hypocrates I would say that we are not.some of us are indeed hypocrates but remember that some of you as well are,we human beings stink of our deeds,but on the other hand,we are human beings and we are fallible,and unfortunately that the world we are living nowadays supports us in a way to commit bimbo-like-slutty,petty,stupid mistakes,and we realise it in a way,but we always live under the LOVE-hope,meanwhile we are on-doing our rubbish.I agree that we are human beings and that we have feelings,and that's why I'm hurt,because I know that I have these feelings towards someone I love,if I would hear similar stories about other women I would say that they are whores,but too bad that those stories are applied on my wife,and not only her,but a big part of society as well cause that's the life-style nowadays,and perhaps we should get used to it and try to deal with it in a tolerant way!
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reader, dannylaw1 +, writes (26 January 2006):
hello... I was anonymous, but since some feminist wants to pick a fight she might as well know at least my fake name. In the words of the great Dave Chappelle: If pussy were a stock, It would be pummetting! You've flooded the market with it. Baby, the only women who say there is no double standard are those dumb sluts who can't handle their own sluttiness.Anyone who has ever peered through the window of a bar or seen a social interaction in a movie knows that Men chase women. Its our job. Its what we live for. To have a lot of sex a man must be smooth enough to talk his way into bed and good looking and confident enough to approach women. There are damn few that possess this. For a woman to get a lot of sex she just has to show up and be willing. I have NO PROBLEM knowing my girlfriend enjoyed sex in the past. I hang out with a guy she used to sleep with before me (she broke up with him for me), and see other guys she's slept with. Its fine with me that they had sex and I hope she enjoyed it. My PROBLEM is that she was fucking four dudes on a regular basis in some kind of sick round robin tournament set up for about two months. If I was doing that I would have no respect for the girls I was doing it to. But for a girl to do it-it is very difficult to respect her.I hope I can assuage your fear that men will read my post and feel that the issue is their girlfriend's fault. I have talked about my feelings with my girlfriend. But as I did so I explained that I knew that it was my issue to deal with and to throw her past in her face was unfair. Like you she feels that there shouldn't be a double standard. And thats probably a good thing, she hopefully was not being used and was having mutual fun when she was sleeping around. She understands my views and has accepted them. Further evidence of the double standard is her response to my past. I have slept with over forty women. She doesn't see me as devalued in any way for this behavior. In contrast she WAS extremely devalued in my eyes after I read about her sexcapades. Granted she didn't get as graphic a glimpse at my past (and if even if she did it wouldn't have been nearly as disgusting (okay maybe one or two nights would have been)). Nevertheless, she IS totally redeemed to me. Her sluttiness was four years ago and since then she has had sex (for the most part) in committed relationships. She herself has said that she now realizes that she was a fool to devalue her sexuality the way she did. She has made a discernable change in her lifestyle and to me it is very commendable. I don't have any insecurities about her past. She has been faithful to me for over a year. She tells me multiple times every day that she wants to spend the rest of her life with me, and I tell her the same thing back because it is true. She tells me that I am far and away the best sex she's ever had, and she is definitely the best sex that I have ever had. We've both done things to each other that we have never trusted others enough to do before. It is a beautiful relationship.I also want to say thanks for "feeling for me" when using this forum for people who are dealing with issues to launch your stupid propoganda.
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reader, mystify +, writes (26 January 2006):
anonymous , i am disapointed by what the other men have wrote here but what you wrote disgusts me! there should never be a double standard between sexes when it come to sleeping around, that just what dumb men say as an excuse for their own sluttiness when they cant handle a girls sluttiness, why make excuses why not just admit that you are hurt by it just cos your human....not cos your a guy!
i am hurt by my husbands past sluttiness just as much as any guy is by thier girls past.and so are many girls!
men and women ARE NOT programed that differently emotionally OR mechanically when it comes to sex, and in answer to someone elses previous response girls dont let all these men USE them for sex!
No women enjoy sex just as much as men (and i can tell you from my experiences its sounds like we do more so).
Women get thrills and orgasms from sex just like men do!
so when a woman agrees to have sex she is not handing her body over for the guys purposes ,they are both taking part in something mutually satisfiying!
when it comes to sex it isnt just about the man and i feel sorry for any of your partners as its clearly how you feel!
thats the mechanically bit covered now lets deal with the emotional, i know closely about 15 girls all from differant places, backgrounds, cultures, societys, and religions, and i can tell you now that including me when it comes to sex its us girls that tend to keep a cool head , realise that just cos the sex wroks the relationship may not , and it always seems that its the men crying after the women or ringing in the middle of the night or asking the women to marry them after sleeping with them for just 3 weeks etc, i know that not all men are like this and some are just after sex, but it just prooves my point that it makes no difference if your male female young old we are all different and you cant judge someone emotions by gathering up a whole bunch of people grouping them together and saying they all feel the same , some women are emotional about sex, some arent some men are some men arent!
all you guys are hypocrites and that is the worst evil of all , take hell for example believe in it or not it was based upon the standards we have as human beings and whereas lust is one of the lesser sins the hypocrites are sent to burn in the deepest circle of hell for the worst sin known to man!
i am not getting religious i am just making a point, hypocrisy is seen by man as the most disgusting thing we encounter day by day!
so no there shouldnt be a double standard and anyone who thinks there should be should just go seek help because obviously the real issue is that you enjoyed doing it so much that you cant stand the thought of your girl enjoying it , societys general double standard helps fuel your disgusting fire which in turn helps your emotions to fester and turn into something as hideous as a self destroying hypocrisy that leaves you unable to form a healthy relationship with a girl just like you who could of been 'the one'
get over yourselves!!!!!!!!!!
btw this is not to the guy who posted this question , i actually felt for you as we all have these feeling and you didnt write anything hyocritial or nasty about your girl! but from reading this my bet is there are thousand of dilusioned men out there who will be searching up on how to deal with their own (not there girlfriends) problems
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2006): I feel your pain. Last week I was looking for a lost paper, and stumbled accross a word file called "sleeping around" naturally curious I opened it to find a saved I.M. conversation from my girlfriend's college days where she was telling her best friend about the four guys she was sleeping with. The details were really gross (I was doing jimmy when frank called etc.). It fucked me up pretty bad to read it. She's slept with 13 people besides me (she says). We've been together for one fantastic year though, and I'm not about to fuck it up over something that happened 5 years ago. I'd be a pretty big hipocrite to do so b/c I've slept with three times as many people, many under similarly slutty circumstances.
There definitely is (and should be) a double standard when it comes to men and women. We are just different and sex is mechanically and emotionally different for both. Thats why its so damn hard for a guy to get laid. Nevertheless, people make mistakes and people change. I don't love my girlfriend any less. And she loves me more for accepting her past and dealing with it. She knows it hurts me like hell as it should. But the reality is that nobody's perfect and women like to have sex (thank god or I wouldn't have gotten laid as many times as I have).
As far as honesty goes, I'm sure you and I both would appreciate a well timed lie here. Anyone who credits her for being honest is dumb.
As far as your future goes. If you can see past her mistakes and find the beautiful woman you fell in love with before you found out she was a reformed slut. More power to you and me and join me in a lifetime of great sex, that all those douchebags that she fucked before you will miss out on (none of them got to do the kinky shit that I do to her)
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reader, mystify +, writes (25 January 2006):
i know you posted this a while ago but i am so dumbstruck by the responses you have recieved , i mean come on guys, i really didnt realise that men could be such hypocrites, when a man has a sexual past it is a good thing, he is a stud! but when a girl does she is a slut, a whore, a bad girl!
can i just say before i write what i write , its only fair that women are treated the same for thier sexual promiscuity as men, but id like to point out that numbers aint always what they seem!...
i am a girl of 26 that truely believes in love and romance and love making, but because of YOU MEN! (NOT SAYING ALL ARE LIKE THIS I PROMISE I KNOW SOME ARNT!), i have now slept with over bout 25 men!, alot you say , whore? slut? no USED! i fell for these guys i spent time with them...waited, got feelings for them but what do ya know they dumped on, used me, it was a horrible experience and it would hurt me more than anything in the whole world if the man i married decided to use these horrible experiences against me!, he dosent though cos he loves me and he knows they are in the past, plus he KNOWS ME! meaning he knows i am more than what a number could suggest!
i would like to add that my husband has only slept with a handful of people and that STILL hurts to think of , and out of our experiences his were the most sluty , and cheap , and meaningless to him.
its not the number of people a person has been with that hurts , thats just something you can use to pin on them to blame them for the way you feel, if we are honset the thought of just one other person in the past having a sexual experience with our partner is hurtful enough and its silly in this day and age to expect that you will meet a virgin...
the way i deal with it , i do the best i can to tell myself i am the one who he wants and loves , i am the one who carried his child , i am the one who he chose for his wife ....not them! and if i see one of them out i just smile and put my arm around him proudly
i really hope this helps all these guys that seem to think that girls who have had sex are sluts!
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reader, malaysianfeet +, writes (25 January 2006):
There you are. What's your response dude? I think if you feel the same all this while, then leave. For good. If you dont want to go, then remain. But willingly.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2006): I'm in a situation that rings true to what most everyone here has posted and have suffered with my headspace for close to a year now.
I'm a pretty upstanding guy who's tried very hard in life carry myself honorably. I started dating my girlfriend just over a year ago and at first things were excellent. She seemed great and even though things moved fair quickly (or at least I thought fairly quickly) I never really questioned her until after I had fallen in love with her. Huge mistake that I would end up paying for to this day. I first started hearing from friends who we knew mutually growing up in the same social circles that not only was she not the most decent of girls growing up, she was if anything the exact opposite. Trying to take things in stride I tried prodding at her past in a considerate manner. She would always sidestep or tell stories that I knew reeked of lies and sugar coating - stories riddled with inconsistencies. In truth I knew a few girls who lacked integrity and character growing up and they all seem to reflect upon their pasts in the same semi-lie, semi-distorted positive re-telling of events, leaving out things altogether or fudging the truth to make things seem different and make themselves appear more acceptable. I knew my girlfriend was giving me this 'version' of herself and it made me weary and sick that I was now with one of the girls I swore I'd never end up with. In the end it turns out she was even worse than all the girls I knew. In the course of her telling me about herself or things she's done I noticed a ton of guys names always popping up and she would allude to things she had done but never gave clarity, knowing that she wouldn't want to revealed for who she really is. Anyways she got sick and I ended up in hospital with her for two days and it turns out that she had an STD from a one night stand she had. She is 25 and I'm 24. The guy she slept with was a 21 year old drug user that hangs out with her younger sister. I also of course at this point had the STD. I became insane and outraged at the situation and questioned her on the how's and why's knowing that this incident was giving me a first hand experience of exactly how dirty she had been prior to me and confirmed in my mind everything I had ever heard about her through my friends. It turns out her excuse was she was on a full day drug bender (she's also not just dirty in terms of her sexual past, she's also used almost every drug under the sun) and just ended up fucking some guy (the afformentioned) whom she had hung out with that day. She had unsafe sex with him repeatedly and didn't bother to get tested and for this I had also now contracted the STD. I stayed with her, which in retrospect was probably stupid, but I was in love and wanted to try. What I found out about her past from here on in only messed with my head worse. I found out she was still in touch with this guy she had the one night stand with and that she had tried to make things work with them but that he ended up dropping her. I became massively insecure about him and her even though I know in all aspects I am a better person than a drug abusing 21 year old loser.
Since I was getting no answers from her regarding her past I dug and found out enough to kill my image of her forever. I first found out she had been having casual sex since she was barely (BARELY) 13 with guys older than herself. Beyond being disturbing and disgusting she had had more partners by the time she was done junior high than I had entering our relationship as a 23 year old. She was pregnant at 16 and had to have an abortion and even in spite of this continued going from guy to guy and using drugs in the neverending party that was her life. She lied to me with regards to all of this and after I found out on my own and confronted her about it she still lied.
I was devestated thinking about how many glorified fuck stories my girlfriend was for so many other guys. "Did I tell you guys about the time I fucked this 13 year old slut..." and on and on. It was impossible for me to look at her and respect her or feel good about being with her knowing this. The worst is that this all culminates in her being the person she was when she had that one nighter with her sisters friend. I found out that she instigated that whole situation while coming off a crystal meth high, basically begging the guy to fuck her and use her as violently as he possibly could. I also found out she enjoyed it and from the details I got, comparing it to how she was in bed with me, I knew everything was accurate and that the response this guy got from her was unlike anything I'd ever been able to capture. I also noticed that many of the things she'd asked me to do in bed were things she got from him and this destroyed me. I felt like an approximation of this guy and never was able to shake that. I also grew a huge set of insecurities which made the task of dealing with the fact my girlfriend had been a lifelong whore twice as hard. I found out she loved being dominated by the guy from that occasion because of the fact he was a really big guy. Bigger than me comparatively.
I was never ever insecure and still definitely dont' consider myself insecure in an absolute sense, only when it comes to her.
Insecurities aside though I agree with so much of whats been posted. For example
You know, the party girl you see at the bar making out with her whory friends just to hook a guy, the one hammered out of her mind, maybe on drugs, the one that after 12 or so years of drinking, partying, and banging decides she's bored with that life and wants a 'nice' guy to form a family with because the clock's ticking...that girl, can you visualize her?
Is that who you want as your wife? the mother of your children. Be honest, and you'll have your answer.
I don't feel special at all over the fact my girl is now realizing the clock ticks and she's had her fun fucking drugged out John's and the older guys she used to throw herself at and wants me. I've worked my entire life to be the person that I am and I understand how to a woman wanting to settle down I'd be an attractive option. I don't care to be the guy at the end of the line of at the minimum 10 or more guys (that i know of for certain, in all likelihood many many more) that she's managed to run through. She's been with guys since she was barely 13 and has been in relationships for 9 of those years and still has managed to sleep her way to the numbers and dirty situations she's been in. I don't even want to guess how many guys she's fooled around with but not slept with. She's been involved with more guys based only on names that I've heard than all my other girlfriends put together. Seriously.
What used to bother me most is that she didn't even see a problem with the way she was and while she's changing into a better person now I still don't think she really gets it.
I told her this and I think it's the truest thing - if you plan on sharing your life with someone then you're doing just that: sharing it. It has to belong to you and the person you choose to share it with. There's absolutely nothing about her life that I want to share.
I read all these self-righteous posts of "the past is the past" etc. but its really just excuses. Poor excuses. The past does count, apologies to those who fucked it all up. Holding this against her is no different than having reservations about being with someone who in past has been an alcoholic or rapist but is now clean. Of course thats more extreme but it shows negative qualities that really tell you about the person you're with. If someone has a great past you wouldn't be wrong to speak well of them by it....so own up to all the hurt and bullshit you bring into your relationship because of who you chose to be.
I die every day still, in ways I thought no one understood, over this. I'm sick of asking why.
I just know we're not for each other. I wish I could stop loving her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2006): I'm not going to sit here and write about my similar experience, but what i can say is this: change your perspective. ones worth is greater than their past. when you use a 20 dollar bill, do you question that it was used to buy drugs, child prostitution, sneak nuclear weapons into your country? no. it has an inherent value and it maintains it's value when you get to use it for the first time. you can't possibly value someone based on a few isolated incidents. you can, however, look at them as worthwhile and having much more value than these experiences.
be a man. get over it and focus on what she is to you, not what she was to someone else. if you can't get used to the fact that she has had a past and made some stupid mistakes, then move on. however, if she is now a different person and understands that what she did in the past were a series of poor decisions from the person she used to be, then things are great. but if she is proud of all those one-night-stands and looks at your intimacy as nothing "special" or unique compared to those days. she's not worth it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2006): I have been through the same... makes me wonder.. where are all the good girls? Are there any girls left who don't sell their virginity cheap? It's sad... seems like girls are worse than guys now.. I have seriously lost respect for girls these days.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2006): I feel for you dude.. I recently started dating this amazing woman. She's beautiful, intelligent, sweet, witty, and very,very into me. I haven't slept with her yet neither - as she wanted to wait. I was feeling like the luckiest guy in the world and thinking how easy it was gonna be to fall in love with her. Then the past relationship talk came about...What can I say, she's a reformed slut. She's 24 years old and has slept with 33 men. However, she says she's changed and has only been with 4 men in the last 2 years. Btw, I'm 25 and have slept with 7. Now its all screwed up. 2 days ago I was thinking this girl was serious relationship potential -- Now I'm not sure if I even want to see her again. It sucks because I thought she was really special. I'm not sure what to do. I feel bad because if and when I end things, she's going to know exactly why. Damn it, What to do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2006): I am currently with a girl that has slept with over 80 men by the age of 26. She was a bar slut who flirted with everyone and slept with antone who wanted to sleep with her. Her entire life revolved around drugs, alcohol and sex. Any time she tells me anything about her life it ends up with something about sex. She has slept with other girl's boyfriends and even husbands. She was a complete backstabbing, lying slut who some people have recently told me (after six months with her I am just starting to really learn what she was like and is like when she isnt with me) that they hate her more than anyone else that they've ever met because of how she used to be. However, she is a very sweet and caring girl with me. But now knowing how she is with other people and the decisions she has made in her life, I am in a rather bad mindset and dont know how to deal with it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2006): Wow. All the responses on this question leaves me thinking one thing. Love her or leave her. Not an easy choice at all. I searched this out because of my own situation as a lot of other responses here have. The answers here can leave you even more confused and frustrated as I am. But one thing is for certain, Im still left with HOW to come to terms of my girlfriends sexual past.
God this sucks. Im right on the verge of breaking up with her, and she knows why, which makes it even harder. I don't want to hurt her, she is so sweet and nice, but the thoughts are just too much for me. I can't even have one conversation with her without thinking about her slut days. Or if she's flirting with her brothers friends (since she knows exactly how to get a guy drooling for her) or whatever.
Right now Im telling myself... If I still can't over this in the next 2-3 months, Im going to break up with her and break her heart along with my own. She doesn't deserve this, but at the same time, I don't deserve to be such a high number on her sex list. Its not fair for the both of us, and if it means taking the pain of a break up after this long of a relationship, then I think its worth it to not feel the frustration of knowing she has had over 16-20 one night stands. Only 1 boyfriend of 3 months, and all the rest, one night stands. How can such a sweet loving girl have that many one night stands? I can see semi short relationships, but ALL THOSE one night stands. Oh my GOD! And I fell in love with her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2006): i think what your saying is funny because really you shouldnt be worrying about her past thats why they call it the past. the guy i am currently dating doesnt have a past like mine he has been with many women. it use to irritate me a lot but now i just remind myself that if he didnt love me then he would go back to the other slutty girls but we have something special and its worth moving on for. if you really loved her and im not saying you dont but then you would forget about whats done and enjoy the time you spend together.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2006): Ithink the best way to see it is that you may see your girl as a queen and a lot of others guys might have just see her as sex.We get upset that guys saw our girl or future wife as only sex.We thinks"didnt all these other guys see how wonderful she was,why didnt they want more than a quickie".The answer is one guys future wife material is another guys Booty call.I have had girls that I couldnt believe guys only wanted a one night stand.To each his own.Guys..... not everybody wanted to marry your girl but only thought of her as cheap sex.You probably wouldnt want those guys serious girls either(they would be just sex for you),this is just how it goes. As for the guy with the Danish girlfriend,European women are beautiful and loose or very easy to sleep with,its the culture. Remember guys"one mans wife material is a another guys piece of ass."
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2006): I don't know the age of most of the people on this website, but the following is my experience as a 27 year old: I had a girlfriend for a couple of years in college. Her past always drove me crazy. After her, I never really cared about the past of the people I dated. Hey, it was easier that way!
Then I met my current girlfriend a little over a year ago. I started the same way with her-I didn't really care. Somehow though, she managed to sneak her fist in and take hold of my heart! With every day that passes, her grip gets tighter and I can't stop it. For some reason, that stupid question that brought us all to this website came up. Her # before me was 8 (that she told me about). One was a serious boyfriend. After that the rest were one nighters...usually with people she knew. Now for some reason, the serious boyfriend doesn't bother me. But those other 7 afterwards have been stinging me. She is still in touch with one that I know of. Now I have this painful feeling that I haven't had in years. Sometimes when we chill out, I start thinking about how she could let all those guys take a shot at her. How could she, this girl I care for so much, 'entertain' those other men who only treated her as a conquest?
Another problem is this: How could I have someone like that be the mother of my children? Now, all of you 'progessive' masochists who enjoy the thought of your woman screwing 50 men before you(i.e. 12/30/05 anonymous dating Denmark girl) might think that I'm ignorrant or insecure. Fortunately for me, I know that's not the case!
The sad truth is that in our day and time, you will not find a 'clean' woman. TRUST ME. But like the athlete said, let it flow through you. Its these painful emotions that let you know you're alive. Thanks to my girl, I have so many crazy feelings that keep me feeling so alive now. Don't fight it (as it surely hurts) because it will always be there. Is your woman's experience with you special? Maybe not. But she is with you because all of the other dipshits did not appreciate what you obviously do. You have the chance to make it special. Ask her about it and have a conversation with her about it. But don't abuse her over it. It won't help anything and she will only think less of you.
I'm glad to see I'm not the only one riding this painful boat. I hope everyone else finds peace with their mate. Thanks.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2005):
It is perfectly normal to have that reaction,
High levels of promiscuity in one's partner is completely unacceptable. Even if its in the past.
However, if you love the girl you will forgive her as love is all forgiving.
If you can't, then she is not the one for you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2005): Do I have to say it again? I SUPPOSE YOU WERE a VIRGIN when you met her,just out of the munks home?common she isnt concerned with your past sex life. Past is just that past get OVER it. OR YOU COULD RUIN A POSSIBLE GOOD THING WITH HER.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2005): I would love to answer and maybe help somebody out.My girlfriend is from Europe (Danish) and beautiful.I am from the U.S. We fell in love and her families love u as a couple.Well, we had the past relationship talk andshe was a complete WHORE in Denmark.So many 1 night stands and stuff ,crazy casual sex.This girl has model looks and natural curves,she explained to me that in europe it is not really such a big deal when girls sleep around .Sweden,denmark and Norway women have alot of sex very,very casually. The good news is she is 100% faithful to me and turns every head in the street. She is not a flirt,does look at other guys and admits she was a whore if she didnt have a boyfriend. Really guys who cares who she blew in the past,in fact i have always liked a girls who was a little slutty in her past but you can't tell by looking at her.I will be going to Denmark to spend a few months with her and we laugh about who we may run into that she screwed,bus driver,store clerk or the maid. The answer to getting it out of you head guys is to LAUGH ABOUT IT with the girl ,it really works.But If you are trying to make her feel bad she can tell that your joke was meant to hurt her and it will backfire(very important if you cant joke the right way forget it!!!!!!).I tell my girl "you screwed all of Denark but now you only screw me" we laugh about it and it has made us so close.Her family loves how this girl has fallen all over me in love.And guys my girl has had over 20 guys and she is 23 years old.She is in business suits everyday and is a real estate dealer. We are soul mate ,laughing in book stores and cafes for hours ,I have dated many girls and she is the best. She doesnt want to know any details about my past,she says it makes her jealous.So I say nothing about my past. But some of you guys are letting great girls go because alot people had her,big deal .I love how my girl use to tell these guys goodbye after casual sex,"That was fun if I am horny again this month i will call you,bye". Also she will tell a caller "I have a boyfriend now dont call me anymore,bye".They want more is is done with them,wow that is sexy. If your girl is faithful and loves you, guys will envy you know matter how many lovers they have had.Dont forget Angelia Jolie admits to over 50 male lovers,and still is envied by men and women alike. If you guys dont want your girlfriends there will always be secure guys who will date them and get a great soulmate. Good luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2005): The reaction to this topic is completely normal for everybody. I am going to tell you my complete and honest story. I am a pro athlethe in another country and have been in relationships, one night stands, threesomes, etc... but recently I met this incredible, stunning girl who was a former model and is a lawyer now. Very nice girl with a daughter, family values, succesful etc... Now here it goes. The reality of the case is that, just like me, she has been promiscous in her past,having one night stands, even putting on a strap on and penetrating her exboyfriend, jaja. How do I know this? Because in every relationship, there is one thing that you have to do that is the most important, honesty. And after that, acceptance. Yes, you don't have to go after every detail, but in my case, we don't lie about anything.It's very interesting my case becuase this girl wants to marry me, she says that she has never met someone like me in every aspect of her life, she goes out of her way to make things happen in the relationship, and reassures me about her commitment. But somehow, because I know some of her stories about her past, I get obssesed with the thoughts of how another big time athlete that I know, had sex with her in a one night stand. It bothers me, because other athlethes know about it and I can't get off my mind the thought of the guy just screwing her. But, we have talked about it, and at the same time I feel that way,she feels the same about some girls that I have been with in the past. Guys, if your relationship is great, don't go chasing the past, don't do it. We have to accept it, trust me, we have to, because it doesn't exist anymore. The only thing we have is TODAY, and the future has not happened. We are risking what we have today if we dig into this, PLUS ITS NOT ATTRACTIVE to her.After I accepted this, even if the thought is still on my mind, then I surrender to the feeling, let it flow through my body and not fight it. It goes away. My life couldn't be any better, so why lose my sanity over this. Woman are the same as men, they cheat, the have one night stands, some are hot in bed, some are not, they lie, they tell the truth. Men, don't be so naive about it. Accept it, and that's it. If we do it, we are stronger people. Sometimes, my girlfriend and me laugh about other situations in the past.I don't want to be religious here, THIS IS COMPLETELY SPIRITUAL, but listen: "LORD ALLOW ME THE SERENITY TO ACCEPT THE THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE, THE COURAGE TO CHANGE THE ONES THAT I CAN, AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERECE" Don't complicate your life, be the best you can be, its working for me, all the evidence is on her actions for me. To end this, I want to say, that as I accept my weakness and my virtues I can get out of my comfort state and grow as a person, realizing the simplicity of life and better dealing with this problem, that bothers all of us. thanks
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2005): I know how all this feels like,I'm a guy who was living in syria,I was planning on going to latvia,but just before a couple of months of going there I met a belgian girl who was older than me for eight years,anyway,we had a brilliant relationship until she went beck to belgium,during that period we kept in clost touch with each other,I invited her to syria just before days of going to latvia and she came for me,and through interacting with each other I knew that she had multiple relationships(long term and short term as well),but for me it was my first relationship ever,it was my first time to experience love(sex)with her,so we decided to commit to each other,everything was ok,I went to latvia and she came for me as well,I loved her sincerely and she did as well,during that period in latvia I had my chance to get acquainted with so many girls of my age of all kind,but my girl friend's image was always in my mind,so I couldn't do anything cause I loved her and it was my first experience and I didn't wanna risk it as well!so after some time I decided to stop my studies and join her to belgiem the thing which I did,at the begining it was wonderful.....but of course since I was exposed to all her past relationships,I got to know that her real best experience was her direct X,and it was for five years when she was dumped for another girl.....I didn't mind all this,but of course I was always the nosy guy who wanted to know everything thinkin that I would handle everything I know,but eventually she started telling me about her intimate life with him and how much super it was and that it was the first time in her life to experience cumming with him and that she would never feel it with someone else apart from himthat's when I started going dowm..I knew as well that he was a guy that came on TV so much, but I never knew him, and once upon a time there was a discussion on TV and my girlfriend was so much interested in that program,and later on I got to know that the guy who was on TV was her X, I asked why didn't you tell me that it was him, she said that she was ashamed of herself, I replied saying that there is nothing to be ashamed of because it is over...Anyway after that incident I started wondering so much why is she keeping information from me,and I had to do a disgusting thing,and that's to break into her email inbox, and there I was stunned of what I saw, just before meeting me, and though he dumped her for another girl, she still kept on begging him to be a secret concubine(girlfriend).....she was telling him that she had never experienced real love with someone else, and that she had never even met someone who is even close to his personality(not like him)...damn it,at that point I felt myself a total loser,I left everything for her,my future,my studies,and my own plans....and now I knew why nothing was going ok with us,starting from our normal relationship as man and woman ending up in our intimate love life(we barely make love to each other and when we do it feels so abnormal),maybe because of the way I feel or maybe because I have a feeling that she took me as a cover up....she's always talked about having kids who had my eyes and who resembled me,but looking into her inbox, she was saying the same thing to her X exactly....damn it,I do not wish to play a judge on her, but one way or another I'm disgusted by the way she was not to mention her older relationships which were total failures and scandals and exploitations....she is so nice to me and she wants it so badly to work but how would I trust someone who had all this in her life....I have a feeling sometimes that she has had enough of playing around in her life time(trying international interracial dicks,and experiencing perfect cumming with other men)and now that her age clock is ticking,it is time to get myself neat and marry,and I feel myself Mr.Husband, who should be good family and breed boys and girls, and to tell them how much their mom was decent, and for the rest screw it, I'm not by any means enjoying my love life, not because of me but because of her,everytime I'm trying to approach her,to cuddle her and romance her,she goes asleep,and when I ask her,what's going wrong she tells me that I'm not taking care of men-women sensitivities, for heaven's sake I'm supposed to be your boyfriend,and we are living like brother and sister,there is barely something to talk about....I still love her but I'm sick of her history,and because of what's going on I stopped liking making love to her,because of knowing that whatsoever I would offer her wouldn't be compared to Mr.X....even sometimes she had sometime to tell me about it indirectly....now that I'm in this situation,I hate myself for being me and I hate myself for finding myself in this situation,it's an experience that I have never witnessed,a feeling that I would never be able of expressing....I'm not able of opening a new page with her because of her limitless experiences....I have lost my self-esteem,self-respect,self-confidence and I'm going doooown....I don't know how I would deal with this situation,because there is no heavenly law to explain it,I wanna be with her,but at the same time I regret the moment I knew her,I wanna be a good man for her,but everything I'm managing to do is reminding and judging her for what she did,and I wanna step a step forwad,but I only manage to take three steps backwards....I don't wanna be telling her how much she was naive or bimbo, but it's comes one way or another to the surfaceon the other hand it seems that I'm having a big problem with my ego,since I have had no experiences in my life,and she has had all her ups and downs,it seems I don't like it and that it's either I wanna be like her,or I want a person who is like me?!!but of course life is not like this,in order for us to live it,we should see it more grey, if we would keep on seeing it as black and white we wouldn't be able of dealing with it....for the moment I'm trying to solve this complication by talking it over with her,but it always ends to a dead end,it's like a trap that ruins everything,and it brings no good feeling all day long,only when I'm sleeping I manage to get rid of these thoughts other wise there is no way......anyway it's life and nothing else
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2005): In reading through this site, I feel mixed emotions: empathy, sadness and a feeling of not being alone in my struggle.
I am twenty five; my boyfriend is about a decade older. We met a little over a year ago and I knew then that he was for me.
Everything was going fine....then, we had the dreaded PAST RELATIONSHIPS TALK.
I found out too much. And it's killing me. I even got mad at that "Little Black Book" movie for minimizing the effects of these emotions. It's not funny to me; it's my life. Or, more aptly, it's what's holding up my life.
And I feel like I'm stuck in a Catch 22. If I don't tell him how much it hurts, it stays inside and comes out in other ways. If I do talk to him about it, he gets mad and defensive and accuses me of punishing him for his past.
I've struggled with this for nearly a year-and I'm SICK of it. It's making me hate myself-and I'm scared it will eventually lead me to resent him. All I do is compare myself to his exes-"am I prettier? do i have a better body? am i a better partner in bed? is he happier with me?"
All I do is try to get past this. I've been on website after website with the same information regurgitated on each one.
And I agree with whoever posted:
"I read all the advice that promiscuous people themselves give, like "the past doesn't matter" or "she was just having fun", "she didn't hurt anybody" or "she was just experimenting" (which I've also heard from her), but that doesn't really help. To me it sounded like people were saying that to convince themselves that there was nothing wrong with what they had done."
I agree with you. It is all just excuses.
I was young and dumb once too, I'm no saint-not by any means. And I know I shouldn't judge. But don't tell me it's okay to whore yourself around town b/c you were 17 and a pothead.
He's been honest with me since the beginning--never lying, only "omitting" a few sordid details. He told me he can't even count how many women he's been with. He's done everything under the sun with everyone else. My fear and insecurity is that there's nothing new and exciting for him to experience with me.
And then he told me he was with two girls at the same time. I felt a jarring twist and something ripped inside me-oh, that was my heart.
How the hell am I supposed to feel secure knowing that? I know it's NOT a competition-but guess what? I want to be the best person he has ever known-I want to blow his mind. What's so bad and unhealthy about that?
So, even though I struggled, I somewhat got past what he had told me. I was doing just fine, until recently.
I was always weary of his past--and wondered secretly if he had ever been with a prostitute (while dreading the answer).
Over a few beers he informed me that while he had never visited a prostitute, he had, in fact--used sex with older women (he was a teenager) for meals, rides around town, etc.
Sometimes what you fear the most isn't the thing to fear...
And I'm so hopeless feeling now. I've thrown myself into work-10-12 hour days, just to keep busy. But it's still there, and still hurts. Any advice/insight is appreciated.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2005): i have the same problem. i Have been dating this girl for about 3 months now, we're so in love and yes we do trust each other. however, i still at times think of her past. she's 18 almost 19 and shes been with 6 men, 3 of them relationships. i met her one night and we were really into each other and the're was always something there but we just hadnt got together and just continued to see each other every once in a while until about three months ago. she had kissed one guy since we've know each other this was before we officially got together, yet i still cant get her past out of my head. i dont understand why, because i truly know i want to marry this girl oneday. please if you can help to get these thoughts out of my head then please. i understand that the past shouldnt matter, and when im with her i dont think of it because im so happy, but when im off at college i do and i just need to find something and cope with this in order to rid myself of these thoughts.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2005): Can we try and trun this topic into a positive for a moment? Isn't a good thing that your girlfriend has been honest with you? She didn't have to tell you at all after all it is the past and it is private. Who knows why people do things when they are young - I know from my own experiences that I have lots of regret over things I have done in the past and most of all am angry at myself for not respecting myself enough. Thankfully from those experiences I have learnt to value myself and respect what I really believe in, and I with someone that loves me for it. There is so much negativity and holding onto things in the world that it consumes you.... why don't we try to look at the glass as half full and enjoy now!?
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reader, Mirabell +, writes (3 December 2005):
 You two are not right for each other. You need a woman you can be proud of and if you are this worried than you are not open minded enough to accept who she is. You need a woman who you don't have to worry about and she needs a progressive man who doesn't think twice about that sort of thing. It would be unwise to mention anything about this in the breakup. She obviously doens't have a problem with it, and if you do, that will just start an argument. That route will never change anyone's mind. Leave peacefully.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 November 2005): I have a similar situation that I would like to share with you. It may or may not help but here goes....I met my current girlfriend in a bar one night. I had been single for about 6 months. I was with my ex from high school thru college so she was the only one I had ever been with. As my relationship with my new gf progressed the topic of the past came up. I eventually came to find out that she had been with 10 other guys (we were both 23 when we met). Of these 10, (which I still actually don't believe, i think its more) about 4 were one night stands. She even slept with an engaged man 10 years older than her. She was also very into drugs like ecstasy, weed, cocaine, etc. Since I have known her she hasn't done any of these things, but it still bothers me. Anyway, I can't get these past relationships out of my head. The thought that some guy is sitting around telling his conquests of my girlfriend drives me crazy. I can't believe she was such a pig. I know its a double standard but I don't think you want to marry the girl who was "that girl" in college. We have broken up over it, and I have to say that its better this way. The sickness of it was going to kill me. I miss her every day and still love her, but she's not right for me. In the end, I would never had let it go, and I would have made her feel awful every day for it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2005): To "writer - 11/23/05"... I totally agree with you.
My ex-g/f was the same. She had one night stands, she did drugs. I asked her why she did it.. and all she would say is "I don't know". I hated that answer. It didnt do me any good. Just made me think that she was not very smart and she did not respect herself.
But knowing her past, I just could not imagine her being my wife, the mother of my kids. Itseemed like, if we did have any kids how would we raise them? What kind of example would be to them? If my kids had sex and did drugs, they would look back and say.. "you guys did it.."
But honestly, there is nothing wrong with having sex and doing drugs or whatever. It just people's choices and if we cannot accept those people we just have to let them go.
My ex-g.f wanted to invite her "one-night stand" buddies to our wedding. How hurtful is that!! All she could say is that they are just friends who just did stuff...
The fact is I can never understand her.. and yes I must have a big ego for not accepting her. But the stuff she did is too much. I have dated before her, but I never had sex and never did drugs... but those are my choices. I am worried about getting a disease by messing around or going to jail by doing drugs.
I have my parents that I love and respect and they dont need a son who sleeps around and does drugs and I don't want a girl who has slept around and done drugs... I just think I do not deserve a girl like that.. and if this is having a big ego, or looking at people differently or if this is judging another humen being.. then im sorry, thats who I am.. I can't help it..
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2005): **This is my experience and is not meant to generalize or give advice, I'm just sharing**I had the same problem, and still do at times. My gf has been with about 10 guys and about 4 girls (that she's told me about). It's kind of akward running into one of the old dudes that she's still friends with and they're all buddy buddy, and all I can think of is "this guy f*'d her". Of course I don't let it show, until the night she kissed one of them in front of me after a night of drinking and bar hopping.I was pissed and let her know it the next day (I didn't want to cause a scene in front of her and my friends), I was also embarrased because I felt like she didn't give a crap that I was right there and all these people we knew witnessed it. The guy, by the way, looked surprised that she kissed him. At first she argued with me saying they had been friends for a long time and that's just how their friendship was, but I said I didn't care, I was being honest with her about how it made me feel and eventually she apologized and to this day doesn't like to go out and drink too much because she says she's afraid of "screwing up" (as she has in the past with ex's).It took me a while to come to terms with the fact that 10 guys and 4 girls had beat me to her and I had to condition myself to accept it. I mean, after how many times of doing something do you get bored. I haven't been with as many people as she has, not even close, so to me sex was exciting and new-ish, but to her (I kept thinking) this must be the same old she's had since she was 15.I read all the advice that promiscuous people themselves give, like "the past doesn't matter" or "she was just having fun", "she didn't hurt anybody" or "she was just experimenting" (which I've also heard from her), but that doesn't really help. To me it sounded like people were saying that to convince themselves that there was nothing wrong with what they had done. Now I use the word 'wrong' loosely, I don't care how people live their own lives but when it affects my life then I care! To try and think of a girl that's been drilled by 15 different people (in various manners) as the future mother of my children is kind of unnerving. You know, the party girl you see at the bar making out with her whory friends just to hook a guy, the one hammered out of her mind, maybe on drugs, the one that after 12 or so years of drinking, partying, and banging decides she's bored with that life and wants a 'nice' guy to form a family with because the clock's ticking...that girl, can you visualize her? Is that who you want as your wife? the mother of your children. Be honest, and you'll have your answer.I guess I haven't dealt with this, have I?
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2005): Dude... I had the same problem!!
In my case she sort of hid her past for 6 months. I knew she was hiding stuff from me though, cus she would give me different numbers on how many guys she kissed or she would just be inconsistent with her stories about her past and I guess that's probably why I kept asking her if she was hiding stuff from me. Well one day she finally broke and she told me everything...
Now this girl, she loves me to death, she cares for me a lot. She did have her annoying moments as well, where she is stubborn as hell.. but all in all she is a real good girl..
however, i just could not look beyong her past.. it bothered the hell out of me.. everytime i saw her, everytime i kissed her.. i was thinking... dang how could she have done all those guys.. it groced me out! i felt disgusted.. i just wanted to push her away..
i realised that.. if i have feelings like that and if her past bothers me so much, then i really dont love her.. or maybe i love her, but it isnt true love.. and i figured that she did not deserve a guy like me who cannot accept her...
so what did I do? I broke up with her! It was not worth it, i tried to accept.. but that is not what I want my girl to be like.. a girl with low standards..blah blah blah..and secondly the fact that I cannot accept her is wrong on my part and wrong to her..
so the best thing is just get out of the relationship.. go back to her if you know you completely accept and know if you would never ever think about .. otherwise BREAK UP with her.. she does not deserve this.. if you are not willing to accept or if its too hard.. just BREAK UP..
I broke up.. but even now, I still think of her and the next thing that pops in my mind is.. why did she do all that? why did she hide it? and that I wish I never met her..
The problem I am dealing with now is trying to forget her. I even dated 2 girls after her! but I still cannot forget her and her past.. it sucks! I guess i need more time..
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2005): guys - i googled my problem cuz it was bothering me up until a few weeks ago - and my GF has been into all sorts of S&M stuff you cant imagine.
it bothered me, but then i thought i've been pretty busy myself and if u love each other truly then it doesn't matter
think of it this way - the person you love has been shaped personally by their past whether they likeit or not - so be grateful - if it wasn't for their pastrelationships they might not be the person you fell in lvoe with.
the moment i thought that it all went away.
i feel for u guys cuz its hard - but love conquers all!
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reader, Torn +, writes (2 November 2005):
Dude, from what is going on with me right now...I am torn about it and that is why I chose this name. I love her to death but you probably like me have been mentally screwed by this info and now you most likely have some bad thoughts about her which sucks, but what are we to do or think about this when you find these things out? It is hard to go from being totally in love with this person and then to find out about a couple of supposed "mistakes" they made in their past. You love her but then you think christ why did you have to do those things?? Did you just have low self worth and no self respect or was it a blast and now you have settled for me? Yes, women you will never understand why we are like this but we always hope that we find someone that is a lady and has carried herself that way, but then what are you to do or think about someone that has had so many different partners...it confuses the hell out of you because the person who you thought you knew was someone so totally different and it is really hard to accept and get past that because you just don't want to believe it. All I have to say is good luck bud because for a year and a half this has bothered the hell out of me but I refuse to tell her because I love her so damn much.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2005): Being honest doesn't mean a person has to spill every, sordid detail of past relationships and this what so many people do. Why do some do this? Selfishness, big egos, perhaps. It serves no purpose but to create a lot of pain and suffering. If your relationship is new and your new lover is asking a number, for the sake of STD's, provide a number and nothing else-leave the who, what and where's out of it. There is such a thing as "too much information". Being honest with someone you love is a very important relationship skill. It fosters trust, loyalty and respect-yes, the non-negotiables that form the very foundation on which to build a successful relationship.
The hard part about honesty is not so much the actual truth-telling; it's knowing the difference between a situation that calls for a blunt answer and one that calls for reassurance. Know this: 9 times out of 10, when a partner asks, "Was your ex smarter/more attractive/sexier than me?" it's because something is making him/her feel extremely worried and insecure. They are NOT looking for a direct comparison. They probably wants to find out why you seem distant or distracted. If you love this person, then don't hurt him/her with unnecessary details about your past. Instead, try responding kindly: "Honey, I'm really concerned that you'd ask about something like that. Is there something about our sex life that's making you worried?"
Encourage them to be honest about his/her fears, and be open about what they need from you. Focus on finding a solution without bringing in third-party information. If they still insists on an answer to THE question, comfort him/her by saying, "It's you I want to be with-not anyone else." I wonder why then-if a person loves another...why indulge this damaging information to one another. I would certainly deeply question the love they profess, while telling me how they had " a great shag, in a 3-some, five years ago?!" Yikes.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2005): Noone will ever understand how you feel about your girlfriend's past but you. Most people respond with either positive clichés or angry, negative assaults on your character such as totally unsupported and unqualified diagnoses regarding flaws in your character like "being insecure." This is a pretty aggressive and furious response to a plea for help - who is really the insecure person here? This response would likely fit a person that might be angry for his or her own promiscuity because they are troubled with the consequences. I think that you rock for searching for help and NOT passing immediate negative judgements. ANYWAY, I feel your pain. I love my life, loved ones, school and job. I have beat my brain trying to figure out why the thought of my girlfriend's past shatters my soul. I feel I have no personally unresolved issues and I am at peace with myself. So why do these thoughts make me want to stay in bed forever? The thought is generated by my emotion so I am unable to just not think of it. She told me that she and her ex used to cuddle and watch movies... well, it looks like no movies in our future because whenever we do that, the feeling that she is so used to this scene returns (partially because she seems so nonchalant) and then come the thoughts and visualizations of everything they did together. These things they did many, many, many times over and over make me feel nauseous and sort of wonder what makes me any different or special. How can I possibly impact and bond to her after she has had this much previous loving, intimate stimulation from a commited relationship she had??? I really love her but I feel like my integrity is crumbling. Keep in mind that I don't know why this is happening but NOONE understands so it makes me start to question my own sanity. Hope this makes you feel a little better knowing you have a friend in need.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2005): Hi, I am in the same situation as you. Mine has eaten away at me for 2 years now, and because I ignored it I'm now suffering from depression. I haven't told my girlfriend what is causing it, it would break her heart. But sometimes it gets really bad and I feel like it has completly destroyed my life.
All I can suggest is that you talk about it, hang in there, and look to the future that the two of you have together. Because, like what I need to do, you must convince yourself that that is all that matters.
Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2005): Your reaction to your girlfriend's past is completely normal (even though normal may be crazy). I think the advice already posted is terrific. I have gone through the same dilema. My girlfriend has been with at least 13 other guys since she was 15 (she's 25 now). We have been together for 3 years now and the best explanation I have for myself is that this number is irrelevant. What matters is what is between us, period. Of course this bothers me but I have to accept her past if I'm going to except her. Just think about this, my last girlfriend of 4 1/2 years had zero experience and she cheated on me to get all the experience in the world.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 May 2005): I have a smiliar problem with my boyfriend, as he gets very jealous about knowing I have slept with other men, this is mostlt because he has only ever had sex with one person - me.We have not resolved the issue, but it does help to remember that we are togethor for a reason, and there is no way to change the past. I think that one day it may mean we will have to break up, but not neccessarily. At the moment though we are still togethor and have a fantastic sex life. Maybe you shoudl think about why you are with this person and if you really like them - their past should be irrelevant to you, because you can only love and accept somene for who they are. If on the other hand you cannot accept your girlfriend with her past (and it isn't going to change) then maybe you should think about what future you have togethor, and if you can make a serious commitment to her, as she cannot chanhe the past and you will both have to try and resolve this issue. I feel for you mate, as ironically I am a jealous person myself, and this ends up making me feel like a hypocrite. Most of all I think these sort of issues stem from low self-esteem and little trust between couples. Perhaps that is more of an issue for you and your girlfriend. Try to relax and think about this objectively. Go for a walk in the fresh air and think about your future with this girl. It is only you and her who know deep down what the real solution to your problem will be. Best of luck in love and life....an australian brolga dancing sheila....
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reader, Devil's Advocate +, writes (8 May 2005):
 Firstly your pasts should not creep into what you have now.Secondly to that, how many women have you been with???Other than the fifteen, were that other six at the same time? In which case I would be worried! What exactly do you want the help with, catching up with her to make the numbers even? If so, I can't oblige you.If you love each other, what you have now is what matters. Anything that happened before should be left where it is, in the past. If the men she had before were separate, individual "relationships" then there really should be no problem, just "relationships" that didn't develop.You should work at trusting this girl and building your confidence in yourself and your relationship with her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2005): It's not normal, you are a moron, so get it out of your head.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2005): Hi there. A lot of men think the way you do. The thing you need to remember is that we all have pasts. Some may have more relationships through their lives than others because unfortunately not a lot of people meet Mr or Miss Right first time, now, do they?You need to put it out of your mind really and concentrate on the relationship you have with her. After all, you are the one she is with right now, none of the others, so really you are the lucky one because it took a while for her to meet her Mr Right.Honestly, the best thing for you to do is stop visualising others with her and start visualising you with her. You probably know what you look like better than some of her ex`s. You have to put the ghosts of the past to rest. The past is just that and like i said everyone has one but that's where it stays: in the past.If you both love each other and it sounds like you do then look to the future more it will be a lot better for you honestly. Take care, I hope this helps you.
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reader, wwww.datinghaven.com +, writes (7 May 2005):
Whats the ages? If she is 30-40 then it isn't such a big deal than if she is 18-20.
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2005): You are not a jerk at all. In fact, I think that your girl has had more than her fair share of the world's penises. It's no wonder you worry. I don't think it's so much about the sex though that's driving you crazy. Plenty of men have slept with 20 or so women and it's not looked upon so badly. Maybe it's because you're worried that she is comparing you, or that she will leave you, or that she will cheat on you. It is important to find out which of your fears is behind all this frustration of yours. Once you discover that, then you can tackle it head on. Until then, it will continue to be disguised in the visualizations of her having sex with other men. That's not the root of your pain though. There must be something deeper, and probably fear-based. If you are self aware enough to figure it out, please write back, because that's when the most helpful responses can be given to you.
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