A
male
age
30-35,
*3puremage1
writes:Why can't I be with the girl that I love?People always say no pain no gain but how much pain I have to go through. I seriously had enough pain and I am too tired to continue.I have loved two girls so far at different time. I spent 15 months on the first girl and I nearly could be with her at the end but she chose another boy rather than me. I knew the reason, so I had decided to change myself, learnt what is love and moved on.Now, the second girl went out with another boy. A lot of evidence proved that she fancy me but she never admits it. And now she is going out with another boy. Recently, she treats me as her brother and I am too cold in her eyes, which many people believe is not. But somehow I still can't persuade myself to give up and continue to pretend that I am happy and treats her really well. Am I stupid?I just don't understand why I screw myself up. I feel like all the hard work is equal to nothing. I am sick and tired of fighting and can't carry on.Some people just told me to stop searching and they will just appear. Is this true? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, 83puremage1 +, writes (18 December 2010):
83puremage1 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone and I feel a bit better.
A
female
reader, sunandstars +, writes (17 December 2010):
You shoudln't feel pressured to be a certain way to impress a girl, so don't change, the right girl will love you for you. I think you should move on from these two girls and wait for someone new. In response to your final question, I have tried getting back with someone I've been with before and it didn't work, but I'm now with someone I or anyone else wouldn't have predicted I would ever be with, we seemed really opposite but infact we're really quite similar and we have a perfect relationship, so I don't think you should go looking for someone, let yourselves find each other, and these things often work with someone who you wouldn't normally associate with and the type you wouldn't normally go for. Be prepared to try new types of people and you might be pleasantly surprised. I hope this helps.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (17 December 2010):
 I'm way older than you but I still remember that god-awful pain of hearing her say on the phone,"My father says I have to stop seeing you,sorry' Might as well have taken a knife and cut open my chest to rip out all organs. Took months to stop the hurt but it'll go away once you quit thinking about it so much.
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A
female
reader, largentsgirl89  +, writes (17 December 2010):
 You're young (I know you're probably tired of hearing that) but you are young and you have you're whole entire life ahead of you to date girls and break a few hearts yourself, so stop stressing about it.
I believe it is true that if you just relax, be yourself and are doing your own thing, then in time the right one will come along, see how amazing you are and bam you found her. Or rather she found you.
Before you jump right into dating someone, get to know them first as a friend and that way you can find out if they are dating someone, what they like/dislike, if you like them as more than just a friend and if they are a cool person in general. I have found that couples who start off as friends in the beginning generally stay together longer and understand each other better.
So worry about other stuff. School, hanging out with your friends, do you have hobbies? Distraction is key. When you aren't looking or paying attention is usually when you find the good ones. The keepers. So essentially, stop searching and they will come to you.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2010): It is true that if you try too hard somehow it never quite works, people sense it and it can put them off. Relax, believe it or not you are very much just starting off in this dating game. Think 'friends' - try to not think of girls as possible girlfriends. Be casual and fun to be wth - just be comfortable and friendly with them. Sometimes things will progress, sometimes not. You are not looking for The One just yet. Also, it sometimes looks as if everyone else is out there getting girlfriends/boyfriends but a lot of them are just muddling along like you.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 December 2010):
 So far you have made it harder for yourself by always picking unavailable girls.Girls who clearly had someone else in mind, or already are with someone else, - who never gave you a clear green light.
True, no pain no gain, but it does not mean you have to set yourself up for failure. Did you ask yourself how come so far you have only been into somewhat " taken girls " ?. The first time, it just happened. The second...maybe coincidence. If it should happen a third time ,then it would be a pattern,- I guess you don't want this to happen.
Maybe you like the challenge- or, au contraire, deep down you want to fail before getting started so the failure will not be about her disliking you but about her liking somebody else a little more. Ask yourself some questions, and answer them honestly.
You may say that "people can't help whom they are attracted to ". That's only partially true. Everybody has a sort of interior screen which filters which people they "let in " and which not.
Apparently you have set up your inner screen in a way that may authomatically exclude ( totally random examples ) obese girls or tattooed girl or older than you girls, whatever, ...but not girls showing interest in another boy. Resetting the screening process is hard but far from impossible. When you change your thoughts you change your choices, and when you change your choices you change your life.
Moral : first of all, like your friends say, don't try so hard, just relax and enjoy your young life, you have time to let the right chances show up in it rather than going chasing after them. And focus on single girls, girls whose heart and mind are not already taken,- if you happen to like a girl who has already a bf like your current love object,- well, don't make her a love object !
Distract yourself, get busy, don't talk or write about her, don't do anything that may help your crush develop. If you do this at the very start, it's unbelievably easier making your feelings fade away.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2010): I was always looking for a girl all through high school and never had a girlfriend, but soon as I said 'that's it'. I'm done. Not looking any more. Then this girl appeared in my life. Happy every since :)
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