A
female
age
30-35,
*liceinunderland
writes:Why are people so judgemental?On here there are a lot of aunts and uncles, who seem to think that because a young questioner asks a question about love and relationships, they need to discourage this young person from being grown up and thInking of the problems. It seems to me that a lot of teenagers coming on here are being put down because of their age: "you're too young for this" "you wouldn't understand at your age" "you'll see when you get older."Why not answer the question as if they were an adult?Personally I come on here for adult advice, I like to be treated as an adult, I wouldn't treat someone differently because of their age. Yes, there are reatrictions on what I would be willing to say to them, but none the less, the person needs to be treated as a person. Are you going to look at my age now, and tell me that adults see things differently? That I haven't lived long enough to know the difference? Are YOU going to judge me? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2011): Hello Alice, welcome to life!I see u got a roasting from the aunts here. Perhaps u hit a nerve or u had the audacity to call a spade a spade? Alice, we are all human, we make mistakes, we judge and we try to remedy ourselves.The 'usual' kind aunts decided to put u in your place. I wonder why? Whether you are 60 or 16, you will hurt, you will experience what u are experience and this will alter your life either for the good or for the bad but . whatever u experience is Relative. Alice, look at us on DC, we think we know better and sometimes we do. Life has taught us that. Can we learn from a 16 year old, most definitely! I know I have- my daughter is one. But she is tender, naïve , foolish, hurt easily, hormones all over the place BUT her thoughts are real, her emotions are real. And I need to respect that.First love is precious but in hindsight (boy, do I love hindsight!) I cringe when I remember my first emotions. I see how foolish I was, how naïve I was.One day u too will reflect and remember and perhaps say: I wish I did things differently/ now I realise why certain thing did not work out/certain thing was wrong. As you mature u will realise this and accept it.Alice the majority of people here are perhaps broken people, people who wish they possess the wisdom u do at age 16, I am sure u read the sagas of mature people not knowing what love is, destroying their loved ones and destroying themselves in the process too. This is life, with the trials and tribulations, challenges and overcoming them.Are we judgemental? Yes I am! Why? Because I want to take these transgressors and shake them so hard and say: wake up, you are hurting people, stop your betrayal, become a better person: but these people do not listen. They are hellbent in doing what they want. Please take a lesson from these people and DECIDE to live your life differently. Love yourself enough to say 'I will never be a mistress' or an abuser or a homewrecker or false. Use your youth and older peoples mistakes to better your life.Sometimes adults behave worse than 16 year olds. I wonder what their excuse is!Honey, don't be despondent. Seek a higher being for your answers. And also seek within yourself for answers.I am glad you had the guts to confront us. I admire you.If you are a youngster I will try giving u age appropriate advice. Why? Because it is the right thing to do. It will be very inappropriate for me to advise you negligently on something that is life changing.please accept it.in life everything is Relative. It is important to the one experiencing it.Alice do not take offence when Aunts here talk about 'when u grow up'. Because that is the very thing: when time passes u may see thing with new eyes, with more wisdom.I am now 40 years old,I will learn at 45, 50, 60 and beyond: this is the wonder of life. I know that an older person may have more wisdom but I can also bet my last cent that I can teach an old fuddy duddy about life as well, Just as you have taught us all a lesson here.I hope I made some sense: good head on your shoulders kid, it will stand the test of time.I repeat: you can and have taught a few older ones here a lesson in life. Trust me on this one. To the Aunts: you guys were really sensitive to this topic. But maybe you (me included) should see a lesson learnt here.Take Care everyone.LoveGirl
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reader, Capri2  +, writes (23 March 2011):
Your question is more a complain than a question itself. You are mad at grown-ups about the way they answer your questions. And that's only normal because we have been there before, we know how you feel, and we know that there isn't an answer for your question. Because the question is not a question but it's the way you feel about everything. And that feeling goes away with time. Once you grow up.
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reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (23 March 2011):
 Would I have answered differently had there not been an age displayed?
Honestly, no. It is very obvious from the way you have phrased the question, to the topic of the question itself that you are a younger person.
Your original question was full of slightly agressive accusing statements aimed at adults with an "its not fair!!!!!" tone.
But this is all part of growing up,really it isn't fair, but you just have to get on with it and accept it. Being an adult isn't all it's cracked up to be sometimes.
I would be interested to know which answers you 'like'.... are these perhaps the ones that agree with you and say you should be allowed to do 'adult' things? Call me an old cynic!
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reader, CaringGuy +, writes (23 March 2011):
The reason I would have answered your question in the same way without an age, is because (with the greatest of respect), your question is written in a way that only a young person would have written it. The question asks for a mature debate, but is very much the question on of a younger person.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2011): Trust me when you get older you will understand..lol...Dont forget we were all tenagers before we became full adults and yes, we too thought that we were adults and could do adult things and handle the consequences of making adult mistakes...Some of us found out the hard way how wrong we were, and if some of us could go back to our younger years and live it again, we would live our lives to enjoy the innocence of our youth perharps some dreading growing up ..It is not to berrate you cos you are young...You will one day be as we are,be telling other youngsters to enjoy their innocence/youth for a long as it is possible, yes you too will tell them they are too young for sex, for pregnacy, for marriage, to be hung up on that bot they fancy etc....Mark my words...Sadly it happens with every generation and when you tell them , they wont believe you, accuse you of not understanding them, being judgemental, treating them like a child etc etc....I tell you even as adults we are still making mistakes and learning
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reader, Odds  +, writes (23 March 2011):
 "One last query: Would you have answered differently had there not been an age displayed?"
Nah, I'd have assumed from what you wrote that you were a teenager - or at least that you were referring to advice directed at teengers. If you changed the writing style to appear in your late 30's or older, I'd have assumed you were a lost cause - by that point, anyone who doesn't notice the effects of age won't be convinced of them by mere words.
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reader, Aliceinunderland +, writes (22 March 2011):
Aliceinunderland is verified as being by the original poster of the question I like some of the answers. But, a few of you have seemed to have gotten the idea that I'm looking for an argument and to be proved right. I'm not exactly. I'm looking for debate, and I'm looking for evidence. Call it a null hypothesis if you wish. I make a statement that is obviously wrong, you tell me I'm wrong. The idea of this site is to give advice, and suggestions, not to be told you are wrong or you are right. A lot of people on here have very open minds, and I believe that is a perfect quality to qualify to be a good agony aunt, or uncle. Thanks to all you who have answered. One last query: Would you have answered differently had there not been an age displayed? Best wishes to you all :)
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reader, uncle bob  +, writes (22 March 2011):
 I think all us "old folks" are doing is trying to save you from all the emotional pain of youth.
We're not here to put you down or to judge you.
All we want to do is to help you avoid some of the pit falls of youth, we ourselves, fell into.
It's a big scary world out there, and the vast majority of us want to help you get through it, as easily and painlessly possible.
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reader, Odds +, writes (22 March 2011):
I love it when people come looking for an argument.
1) Maturity is easy to fake. I know 30-somethings that do it every day. It is especially easy to fake your maturity to yourself - people think they're smarter and more mature than they actually are. Wisdom is awareness of your own ignorance.
2) Hormones are much stronger at your age than at, say, 25. People are more prone to make spectacularly stupid life-altering decisions in their teens.
3) I'd also give different advice to, say, 60 year-olds than 30-year olds. Their wants, needs, and concerns are just different.
4) Some things you really shouldn't be worrying about at 16. If you're wondering whether to have a kid? I'd say at 16, no matter how wonderful a couple you're in, no matter how well-off you are, no matter how smart and mature you are, having a kid is a very poor decision. In fact, having a kid at 16 is likely indicative of being much less smart and mature than average.
5) Most importantly, I give the advice that I believe is best for the writer (or, if the writer is obviously at fault, best for whoever they're messing with). And my life experiences tell me that different advice works better, in general, with different ages, genders, types of relationships, sexual orientations, confidence levels, and much more. I write what I think is best. Telling me that I should give the same advice to a 16 year-old as to a 30-year old runs counter to my experience, so I won't do it.
It's good that you're thinking of this stuff, and that trying to be mature (perhaps even succeeding). If you really think anything written to you (or any other teenager) is wrong, say so, and either disregard it or write your own. Differing opinions are the only true measure of diversity, and the only way to keep the marketplace of ideas running.
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reader, charliesdevil73 +, writes (22 March 2011):
 Honestly, I don't think a lot of the agony aunts are judging. Like Caring Guy said, you can't answer a question the same way for a 16 yr old and 30 yr old. Take Jmtmj's example about pregnancy. A 16/17 year old who gets pregnant is more likely to have a harder life and stay in the low to medium low income range than a 30 year old who becomes pregnant.
Another thing to think about when you believe someone is judging is that you have no REAL life experience yet. You are still a child. Your parents provide for you. You have a roof over your head that you are not paying for yourself. You have food on your plate without going to the store. You have not had to deal with the pressures of life like people older than you have done.
I can honestly say that I was naive when I was your age. I thought I was so mature and now that I look back, I was wrong. Yes, I was more mature than a lot of people my age, but I knew nothing about life. I didn't know what it was like to think about if you have enough money to buy the food you want. Or if you have enough money to pay your bills. That's what happens when you become an adult. You have to make hard decisions and you have to deal with the pressures life throws your way.
So, no we are not judging based on your age. We are judging based on our own experiences at your age. Our knowledge of what it was like to be young helps us to help you.
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reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (22 March 2011):
 Dating for 3 years and wanting advice about whether its a good idea to have a baby...?
Makes a hell of a difference if they're 14 versus 30.
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reader, Capri2 +, writes (22 March 2011):
"Are you going to look at my age now, and tell me that adults see things differently?"
Yes. Adults see things differently, because that's how life is. As you live you go through things that change the way you think. I totally remember how I used to see things ten or fifteen years ago and there is a lot of difference.
"That I haven't lived long enough to know the difference?"
Exactly. I used to think like you when I was younger and I used to get mad at people when they said I was going to see thing different when older. And now I see the difference.
"Are YOU going to judge me?"
Nope.
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reader, chigirl  +, writes (22 March 2011):
 I don't think that I judge on age, but certain things I expect people to know at a certain age. So the age of the person is considered when I answer advice. Not because I want to discourage, but because .. certain things you know and don't know at a certain age.
I do tend to avoid the teenage questions though as they all seem to be about the exact same thing! Perhaps aunts and uncles just get tired of giving the same answers over and over, answers to questions adult people wouldn't ask? Such as "I like two boys, who do I choose?", "He's in love with my best friend, but I like him, what do I do?", "Does my teacher like me?", "Is this normal?" etc.
And at times, you actually WILL know when you grow older, and trying to teach a teenager how to think like an adult, through one answer, doesn't work.
"Are you going to look at my age now, and tell me that adults see things differently?" Yes. Adults do see things differently. For one they don't complain about being treated in accordance with their age. "That I haven't lived long enough to know the difference?" Yes, you haven't lived long enough to know a difference. How do you know if you, at 16, think like a 25 year old? I highly doubt you do. If you 10 years from now know that you were thinking the exact same way as when you were 16, then fine, great, then you know. But as of this moment, you do not know what the difference is. I know that even if I was mature and all back when I was 16, there were just so many things I didn't know, didn't think of, and hadn't made up my mind about, or decided where my morals were and what was right or wrong for me. These things all got sorted out as I got experiences in life, made some mistakes, and talked to people to learn more.
And, as the others have responded, advice needs to be given appropriate to age for a number of reasons. A persons life experience typically shows through their question. On many occasions I've written and talked to teenagers about problems as if they were adult, that is when they are dealing with the same problems that adults deal with. But do you understand the difference between a pregnant teenager and a pregnant 25 year old? Do you understand that problems that a teenager have, are not the problems of an adult? Mostly because their life situation is completely different, with the odd exception.
For example I remember a case where a teenage girl was having such difficulties living with her mother. If this was an adult the problem wouldn't even have been there as she wouldn't be living at home in the first place. Second, telling her to "leave and move out" isn't exactly what you would call good advice either, as that could be near impossible to do for a dependent teenager. Whereas if an adult person was living with a boyfriend and was miserable it is by FAR easier to advice her to move out, as an adult has their own income and is independent.
You get my point.
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reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (22 March 2011):
Ok, I am going to bite, as you seem to want an argument and to be proved right.
Firstly, until you are 18 years old, in the UK you are considered to be a child. That is the Law. Like it or not.
We have all been teenagers. Yes, really. I know it probably doesnt seem like that to you now, being told what is right and what is wrong, what you can and cant do, and being treated like a child when you think you are "oh so mature, grown up and an ADULT".
I am 27 years old... so I have 10 years extra development and life experience on you. But I don't pretend to know everything. I am still learning and I still have a lot to experience and a lot to learn.
I can tell you now at 16-17, you know NOTHING. We have all been there, we know. You have NO idea what the real world is about at that age, how you see the world, what being grown up actually means. Believe me, in 10 years time you will look back and realise how little you knew at 17 and hopefully you will understand what I am going to say. You will also realise how much you grow, learn and change in those few years between 17 and 21.
You will be a completely different person and you will have changed in your views, what you want from life, your dreams, aims, loves, hates.
Right now, you think you are an adult. You are not. You are on the difficult transition between child and adult. Its difficult, no one is going to deny that. But, at the moment you are not an adult. Thats what YOU think, because all teenagers from the dawn of humanity have thought that. Teenagers think they know everything. Having been through that stage of life and come out the other side, I know that is a load of rubbish. You are still a child, learning the rules of life. I work with a lot of 18-21 yr olds and there are still many at that age who are not mature, they do not act like grown ups, they are just oversized kids.
Now you say "Are you going to look at my age now, and tell me that adults see things differently? That I haven't lived long enough to know the difference? Are YOU going to judge me? "
It is not about judging anyone - it is about providing information that young people can deal with, understand and use in the correct way. We 'oldies' are giving you the benefits of our mistakes. We have been there, done it, got the tshirt. We can list all your gripes, moans, groans, sulks, because we have done it too. You do not have the monopoly on being a misunderstood teenager. You are not the first and will not be the last.
Sex, love and relationships are confusing, scary, difficult and they can turn even the most experienced grown adult to a total nervous wreck. A young, inexperienced and naive child wouldnt stand a chance - they are not fully equipped emotionally or physically to deal with the full consequences of adult relationships, and to encourage children to pretend to be "adults" is irresponsible and utterly dangerous.
You may be "mature" for your age (I would like to know why you think you know more than everyone else), but there are many 16-17 year olds who are not. They are the ones who end up being raped, taken advantage of, or pregnant because they believe that the boy who sleeps with them "loves" them and it will be happy ever after. These teenagers who dont understand about adult relationships, and take whatever lies and stories people throw at them, because they think thats what 'Adults' do - these are the children we have to protect here on Dear Cupid. But how do we tell the 'mature for their age' from the 'not so mature for their age' teenagers? We have to be so careful, one misleading answer, one throwaway comment, and that is possibly a 16-17 year olds life ruined. DO you care? No? Often it is the teenagers who do think they know everything and don't listen to advice who end up in the worst trouble. But that wouldn't happen to you now would it, because you know everything?
As adults we have a duty of care to protect our children and guide them whilst they explore and develop their sexual feelings. By introducing them to things which they are not ready for, too early, by making them be "adults" too quickly we run the risk of damaging them and their views of romantic relationships, and also placing them in the way of harm.
As an adult I can't do that. So I am sorry you feel so hard done by and misunderstood. But for me I would rather protect and annoy those who think they know best, than let a vulnerable child get into a situation which they are not able to get themselves out of.
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reader, CaringGuy +, writes (21 March 2011):
Because we can't answer a question to a child as we would to an adult. Realistically, it would be very unreasonable to answer the question of a child as we would an adult. And it would be unsafe to do so too. It's not just restricted to age though, it also depends on the situation.
It's not judgemental to talk to a younger person in a different way. Very often, the fact is young people don't see the world in the same way as an older person. I didn't. I learnt a lot in the first three years of leaving school and becoming an adult. You will also learn significantly more as you grow up, and within a few years, very often your advice to young people will be the same as we give now.
You come across as mature, but there are a great many teens you are who simply do not have that maturity. At all. In fact, it's been proven with psychological studies that the teenage mind is hugely fragile. Do you know how dangerous it would be to give the same 'tough love' approach to a teenager? Very. Do you understand the hormonal and chemical changes that can severely affect a teenager's judgement? Did you know that the teenage mind is one of the most narcissistic you can find? All this has been proven by psychological studies.
Seriously, read up on the numerous psychological studies around, and you will soon find out why the teenage mind is something that has to be treated with extreme care. You can treat teenagers like adults - sometimes. But, at the same time, you are still a child, and there genuinely is a lot you have to learn.
Don't worry, you're not alone. For example, I'm a man - therefore me giving advice on what a pregnant women should do in situations will never be as useful as a woman who has gone through pregnancy. I've never been raped, so my advice would be limited. Yet, someone who had been through that would be infinitely more useful.
It's not about treating teenagers like adults, and giving adult answers to them. No psychologist in the world would realistically treat a 14 year old the way they would a 40 year old. It wouldn't be safe or appropriate.
And this is not about judgement, either. It's about the right advice for the right age group. Me giving an unstable teenage mind the advice I would give to a stable adult would be very short sighted and unsafe.
The fact is, you are not judged just on age. You are judged on age, experience, gender (advice to men and woman is different because their minds are different), and most importantly your situation. Also, the question is can someone your age really accept adult advice? You might be able to, but there are others on this site who won't, and have proven they won't. In that case, you have to treat them accordingly.
For example, would you treat a screaming toddler and a screaming 30 year old the same way?
If an 8 year old child attacked you, would you treat that child the same way as a 25 year old man?
Would you say to a pregnant 14 year old girl "Best to get an abortion secretly and alone"? Or would you recommend that she speak to her parents?
Would you treat a suicidal teenager in the same way as a suicidal adult, knowing that their minds are different, knowing that their experiences are different?
It's unsafe, unethical and inappropriate to treat people the same way when it comes to advice. Any decent psychologist would take into account age, gender, situation and many other things before offering advice.
I hope this is adult enough for you to understand.
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