A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I really need help... I have been with my boyfriend for more than 5 years. We have gone through so much together. We really had our trials but in the end what got as through is the foundation of our relationship. He's really my best friend. My biggest problem is, Im not attracted to him anymore. I refuse to have sex with him. I dont know what it is. I guess it all started when an exboyfriend reached out to me, after that incident, it was just never the same with me and my boyfriend. I kept on thinking of my ex and how passionate things were when we were together. Anyway, if I weigh things, my boyfriend is 100 times better than my ex since my ex is a big jerk. My boyfriend is very sweet, caring, thoughtful. He's really easy to love, Im not saying he's perfect but hes a very loving boyfriend to me. But because Im not attracted to him I tend to stray, believe me I feel bad about it but I cant help it. My boyfriend has asked me to marry him, now Im conflicted. I love him but Im not "inlove" . Marrying him will mean Im using my head, I know he will be a good husband and father to our future kids or do I leave this relationship and think with my heart?
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female
reader, alexia846 +, writes (17 March 2011):
Honestly I was in the same situation well similar one, and let me tell you, marrying this man will only lead to more conflict in your head. Dont marry because of interest marry because of passion. If you are not sexxually aroused now, then its only going to get worse, just take some time and breathe and dont rush into anything.. Dont marry him because you feel pressured or pitty. You wouldnt want someone to marry you the same way. It will only discruct in the end. You should marry someone because you FEEL IT IN YOUR HEART. forget the mind. it analyzes too much. THE HEART KNOWS AND ASKS NO QUESTIONS. if you were to marry this men and feel this passion you would not have askeds this question in the first place. DO NOT FEEL GUILTY YOU ONLY HAVE ONE LIFE. CHOOSE WHAT UR HEART TELLS YOU AND GO IN THAT DIRECTION
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2011): Ok, so Im in the same boat except there is no proposal. left my hometown a year and a half ago for this man who I tought was loving, caring, sensitvie, etc. We have never had passionate sex (Im always sexually frustrated). An I cared so deeply about this man until I started seeing behvioral issues. The day he called me a fat b**ch, s***tt, h*e that'll be nothing. I lost any kind of respect and feelings. Since he has apologized over and over and over. He has cried, never don it again and has been the man he should have been a long time ago. Now I am battling cheating (I never have in my life) and stuck in this city with no family and in college and 9mos away from being a Paramedic. I have been in school for almost 5yrs (I have struggled so much in college) that if I cheat, leave cause thats best... I will be having to end and pick back up in 6-7 mos. at school to finish this degree and I DONT wanna do that. But I am neeeeeeeding affection. From somewhere else... I too am stuck. But your situation is a bit different, he actually loves you. Double, triple think this girl. Mayb your just confused right now. I have never had a good man like him. Dont hurt him, let him go because if you dont and you continue, honestly you are just being selfish. A selfish woman is the worst.. I hope you figure this out. No matter what you do, just dont cheat on him. Dont do it....
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A
female
reader, girlwhoneedshelp  +, writes (17 March 2011):
 To SillyB, my parents have been together for 25 years, married for 23 of them and they are more "in love" now than they were when they met. You can see it in the way they look at eachother and touch and other couples look up to them. They have had their fair share of arguments and horrors like any marriage but they never become anything but closer.
So I believe you should always follow your heart if your head believes its going in the right direction.
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (17 March 2011):
 Either one would say no.
Your heart's all screwed up because you're letting yourself be exposed to the jerk(s) you like and comparing it to your nice-guy boyfriend. What you need to be doing is building up your boyfriend, encouraging him, and helping him to evolve into the assertive, powerful, confident man you would really be able to love. Since you've neglected to do that, he has remained a nice guy, and you can't love him.
As for your brain - if you're not sexually attracted to him, you're not oging to end up fulfilling that part of the marriage covenant with him. You'd be cheating him out of the relationship he deserves in order get him to pay for your kids.
Either leave him now, or delay the engagement for a minimum of one year. Whether you stay with him or find a new man, you need to help build the guy up and actively encourage him to grow into the traits he needs, rather than passively allowing him to fall into nice-guy mode.
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A
female
reader, SillyB +, writes (17 March 2011):
 Love is not how you feel, it is how each person treats the other.
YOu know, many people have to make tough decisions like this. Some people follow their hearts while for others its more of a calculated decision. There is no right or wrong. As long as he treats you with love and you treat him with love. That 'in love' feeling doesn't last. However, if you love him and treat him with kindness and love, this is the real thing.
Attraction is very important, however even your physical attractiveness has an expiry date. You have to ask yourself how important physical appeal is to you.
Its really a matter of trade-offs, what can you tolerate and what can you not. By not having sex with him, you are depriving him of love and not treating him in a loving way. You're hurting him and damaging the relationship. I would think he deserves better that this.
You really need to sit down and think. Think long and hard about the men you dated before him, think about why you started dating him and why you stayed so long with him...
In the end you're going to have to make a decision that feels right. If you feel that you will deprive him of a truly loving partner, if you feel you can find someone attractive and just as good as him, if you feel uncertain about the engagement - than by all means do the right thing and walk away.
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A
male
reader, Weeks  +, writes (17 March 2011):
 It is a bit of both. First you have to be in love, and then you need to make sure that the marriage and compatibility is likely to last. The compatibility depends on a lot of factors e.g. values, mutual respect, sharing of workload, and many others.
More often than not, infatuation and passion fade out. Loving, caring for the partner makes the couple endear to each other for longer.
The good thing is you are asking this question, so you are not blinded totally by passion. Ultimatley it is your decision.
If you really love your boyfriend the way you say, and can't get over your ex, you may want to do a favour to the former by turning down his proposal and telling him why. Yoy cant start a journey together when you are not with it. Spare him the future agony.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (17 March 2011):
 That depends on you. If you into this because your logic told you that he would be a better husband, would you grow to resent him later on in life? People have divorced each other for far less. Do you think, since he lacks a certain attraction, you would ever cheat on him? Don't think it impossible, people have always told themselves that they know better and that it would never be them and yet they find themselves in such predicaments. Just be sure because marriage is a life-long commitment, that is why it isn't really something you go into without your heart.
I hope that helps.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2011): If you are not attracted to him from the start, I can only advise you not to marry your boyfriend. It will save you and him a lot of future heartache. You do need a man who treats you well and is a best friend but you also need someone you are physically attracted to. This would be the ideal person for you, a best friend who you have chemistry with. It is difficult to continue being attracted to the person you have married, especially as the years go by. I would advise that if you do not feel the attraction now, do not say yes to his proposal. You are having doubts and with good reason. If there is no attraction after five years, what will it be like in another five or ten years down the road? Really think about it because marriage is a very serious, life long commitment.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2011): You need to think with both, and both need to be in agreement. You do not want to think what if later if your head is thinking one thing, and your heart is thinking something else. That will beat you up, and make you miserable. What is it that you want, truly? When you find that answer, you will know. Good Luck
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A
male
reader, elkabong +, writes (17 March 2011):
Your kidding right? You CANNOT marry someone you don't love and aren't having passionate sex with. You or him will cheat the first opportunity you have, and you will feel more guilty? You'd be better off moving in with your dad or brother, who could be just as nurturing and not get upset when you sleep with your ex. If you really care about this guy, let him go. Or take a month off and see if you miss him. Forget it. If there is no chemistry marriage definitely NOT the answer. I was married for 6 years, the last 3 because we cared about each other but we fell out of love. We are best friends now and much happier.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2011): Why marry him so you can hurt him?..You laready are struggling to stay faithful to him and it is most likely the situation will be the same...You'll break his heart and devastate your family and his extended family...If you feelings dont change,let him go so he can find someone that loves him and is reday to commit monogamously to him....It will be painful both for yu and for him now but in the long term, it is for the best.
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