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age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: Ok every time I write that i have a problem with my boyfriend watching porn i always get this answer that all guys do it and to expect it. I just want to see more peoples thoughts on it cause if its so harmless, why am I getting so hurt by it? Ill give my opinion about it too.This is why I don't like it. The guy compares you, and wonders why you can't do the same things they canKeeps secretsDesensitizes men, so that the real sex is not as greatcauses obsessioncauses problems like errectile disfunctioncauses a need to masturbate more than normal(more you do it the more you need to cling on to that feeling)it creates a feeling like all women want sex all the time and that if a man expects a women should accept. and my biggest thing is- how is it not really cheating? You're staring at another womans cooch, or boobs and getting off by it. If thats not cheating then i should be able to deeply flirt with other guys because the attention gets me off but i don't actually do anything physical with them. - and thats wrong because i might actually like a guy after i flirt and if a guys watching porn then they might go for something besides their girl and cheat.
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female
reader, Cherriepie  +, writes (13 February 2008):
 Hi its me again!
I have a couple things to say…
First, to the original questioner. I am very sorry if I came of as angry towards you. The venom you read was towards Ms Anon, who I will address after you. In light of the new information you gave my opinion echoes what mandy7 and troubledtoomuch have already said. It would definitely creep me out if my guy were trying to change my look, whether it was inspired by porn or not. Did you ever see the movie Vertigo with Jimmy Stewart where he met this girl who looked a little like a woman he loved that died. He tried to change her complete look…hair color and style, clothes etc….And he ends up discovering she WAS that same woman who had faked her death. Well my point is that Jimmy Stewart was being a real creep in that movie…during that whole part where he’s trying to change her look, your thinking...this guy is crazy! I’m thinking the same thing about your guy…he’s mentally unstable. Its one thing to share fantasies with each other and do some type of role-playing….I’m not into that but some people do it, that’s fine. But your guy is crazy to try and change your look so drastically…and you shouldn’t be comfortable with it. Fantasies are something you share and if you act them out it should be willingly done….and then you go back to being who you are. Mandy talking about her ex going up to her and trying to pirece her…are you kidding...no way and get away from me!
What I think is going on here is confusing porn with very bad behavior. The porn is inspiring the bad behavior but its not the porn, but the person being influenced that you have to look at. You’ve hear of people inspired by violent video games that go out and shoot people. Same thing. I don’t blame the video games, that are played my millions, but the few stupid creeps that are mentally unstable and are inspired to do violent acts. Such people shouldn’t be playing video game...such people shouldn’t be watching porn.
Its said that its not the gun that kills, but the finger that pulls the trigger. So I say its not the porn that’s the culprit here, but your boyfriends skewed thinking you have to look at. I his case…if this is how he acts, maybe he shouldn’t be watching porn. Its more than an addiction for him its screwing up his thinking…yes you do have to step in and help him get weaned from the porn. I know leaving him is not an option, and that’s good. He needs a lot of attention, and maybe he should get some serious counseling too. He’s not a lost cause, hun, but his behavior is not normal. I’m saying it and I think everybody else agrees here. He needs help.
Now for Ms Anon. You’ve become very popular here girl, and for the wrong reasons. I think its your basic “I’m better than you with my French perfect boyfriend attitude” you have. Okay so you don’t need lube or spit because your boyfriend is perfect and you let the natural juices flow. Whooopee! Honey that’s you and not all woman are built the same…French boyfriend or not! Some women need lube and it could be something you buy on the shelf or yeah you can spit! In your little brain you seem to think spitting is a product of porn….hahaha! Before there was Astroglide there has spit hunny….If you look at the old caveman paintings you will see a few illustrations of cave-guys spitting between their girlfriend’s legs…they weren’t going to wait for KY to be invented! Maybe your boyfriend heard about these famous cave paintings (this is where porn started)...they are in Lascaux, France. Oooolala!
P.S. I was kidding bout the porn cave paintings so don’t tear me up about it, people…its called a sense of humor.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2008): Female anon here again with just a quick response to the vitriolic replies. If someone is looking for advice then they want an unbiased opinion - someone who can see both sides of the argument. When I asked open questions (how, where, etc) about porn to people that replied on here, there were no answers but an assumption that they had got "a bit battered" from the questioning - hhmmmmmm. I won't warrant a response on that one. And to A Capella - thanks for pointing out our previous set to; however, for my opinion you were quoted as saying "judgemental rubbish". Well, yes I am quoting an article I read because it made sense to me. If you have read it and still diminish it, well that is up to you. I'm pretty sure you put something in that suggested watching porn has no effect, or minimal effect on people. Well, if that's the case, why is advertising and the media is such big business, if it doesn't influence people!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Of course it does.And as for the old boy who said he is so glad he didn't marry me - whey hey - DITTO! I have to say it would be a tough choice between you and my beautiful 6ft 2 handsome French man who doesn't need porn to get his jollies!!! I think Miss Cherriepie, apart from her vitriolic attack, at least tried to put forward an argument so here here to that. However, the final, sweet, beautiful irony is that a few of you porn watching guzzlers have advocated the use of spitting (after my comment about the porn movie); here's the deal and one which my partner nearly cried with laughter at when I showed him your responses - we don't watch porn and he definitely doesn't need to spit because I have all the right physiological responses, if you get my drift. So it kind of proves it to me that we are doing something right and the porn watches will just have to keep spitting because clearly they are not as turned on as they think!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2008): Hi Hunny,
Ive been thinking about this for along time, And hunny I had to think and take a break before I could answer again as this is starting to remind me of my second husband.
He wants to change you, your hair he want sex up the arse he want to cum on your face, all these things are not what you want these are his fantasys after watching the women. He is taking it one step futher. My husband used to say things like why cant you have blue eyes? dye your hair blonde, and he once came up stairs with a needle to peirce my clitoris!!!!! Ok I dont think so, He got all this from what he was watching. Now as I said before I dont have a problem at all. But I do have a problem when someone wants me to look like a porn star. My husband was a nasty piece of work, your b/f is wanting to change you already,I no there is no opption of you leaving hunny. But please dont do anything you dont want to do, and dont let him make you feel bad because you havent got black streaks or what ever colour he finds attractive on the next girl he veiws.
Im just worried that this is just the start of something that will creep up on you and before you no it you will have lost you entirely sweetheart. TAKE CARE OF YOU AND DONT LET ANYONE TELL YOU WHAT TO BE WITH LOVE N HUGS MANDY xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2008): OK, I read these again. The anon female and the OP are not the same person. I was confused. Was I the only one?
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2008): Him trying to turn you into a porn actress is a real problem. Him trying to make you do all the things that the porn stars do is a real problem. You should not be doing any of the things that either of you really doesn't like. If there are only a couple of things that you differ in, like facials, then that should not be a problem. Both of you should agree that he will not do that. However, perhaps you could compromise on things like that. For instance, lets say that you do not like him cumming on you at all and that he wants to cum on your face. OK, maybe you could allow him to do it on your chest occasionally. This is just an example, not necessarily an actual situation. My wife and I only do things that both of us like and are comfortable with. Fortunately, we are comfortable with just about anything, except anal. We tried it once because we wanted to and she hated it. We have never tried it again and never will. That is the way that he needs to act, however try to compromise on the things that you do not absolutely hate.
It does sound like he is addicted to porn and has this need to play the porn actor. He has a problem. However, I don't think that him watching it on the same day that you have sex is a problem in itself, unless it interfers with other parts of his or your lives. My wife used to want sex once on most days and I wanted it 2 or 3 times. I would watch porn on some of the days to satisfy my sexual needs. My wife was fine with that because I was adhering to her sexual needs and not trying to jump her 3 times a day. I agree with anon e mouse on most of what he said, however, I don't think that sex every day takes the spice out of it and makes it boring. Far from it. Sure, it is possible that it will get routine, but it can be spiced up on some days, like after a nice fancy Saturday night dinner. Play act after dinner. Pretend that it is your second date and pretend that it will be your first time. Take it slow, don't assume that it is going to happen. Slowly undress her on the couch. Rub her body with her clothes still on until she is very excited and wet. Perhaps her boyfriend is not like this and doesn't want to play first date because that is not what the porn stars do. I don't know what to advise in that case.
There are many other ways to spice up sex on the days that you have time. Use vibrators, snuggle and fondle each other for an hour before sex until neither one of you can stand not having intercourse. We do oral (both ways), 4 or 5 different positions (not all in one session), use vibrators (several kinds). We sometimes just cuddle and fondle for 30 minutes at night and then have sex in the morning. We do it different from one day to the next. We did allow it to get routine for a few years and just did the same thing - I gave her one oral orgasm and then we had intercourse and she had another orgasm. Not exactly boring, but not as exciting as our first few years or now again. We had sex 6 to 10 times a week our first few years and it was very exciting all the time. We are over 60 now and have sex 4 to 8 times a week and it is maybe even more exciting because we have more toys to play with. In the middle years, we had sex 1 to 4 times a week and it was routine and not nearly as exciting. So low frequency does not make it more exciting. You have to work to spice it up. Three times a day can be exciting if both of you can still walk after that. In the times where my wife and I had or have sex every day, it's because it is exciting.
We have learned some things from porn, but we have never tried to emulate porn. That is not realistic. Most of those positions are very uncomfortable. Asia Carrera, a very intelligent and talented in other ways porn actress and later producer, did all of the positions in her movies. Her favorite with her husband, who was also her agent, I believe, was plain old missionary. It was her best position to have an orgasm. It was her most boring sex and her most exciting.
Anything can be a problem if used to excess or if it becomes so necessary to your life that you cannot live without it. It could be porn, alchol, gambling, shopping or anything similar. If porn is used to enhance sex with a partner or as a method to supplement differing sex drives, then I see nothing wrong with it. If it is used as the primary method of sex when one has a good partner then it is a serious problem. I sometimes looked at it every day and I sometimes went weeks without looking at it, except together. Now that I am over 60, my wife can have sex more often than me, so I have no need (or ability) to use porn to satisfy my high sex drive. I and we still use it to enhance our sex on occasion by adding excitement.
If he has an addiction then he needs help. I don't know what to suggest here. You indicate that leaving him is not an option. It must always be an option. You should not use that option at the first sign of trouble, but there are relationships where the problems just cannot be worked out. It is deffinitely best to try to work out problems in any possible way first, but sometimes the best or only option is separation.
I really wish you good luck. It sounds like he has a porn addiction and that has either caused you to get an overreaction to porn or perhaps you have always disliked it. He needs serious help with his problem and you need to think more about the real reason that it bothers you so much. Is it simply porn in general or is it because what it is doing to your current relationship? Is porn just the excuse to not admit the real problems in your relationship? I'm not saying that is the case, just that you need to step back and determine the real problem.
I am a little confused about one thing. IS THE OP AND THE FEMALE ANON DOING THE RESEARCH THE SAME PERSON? Sometimes I think so and sometimes I think not.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2008): Look love, if he wants you to act like a porn actress, just tell him that's fine by you. If he wants to give it you up then ass or cum on your face, fine. If he wants you to have a tanning session, you'll do it. Anything else he wants you to do to measure up to what he sees in porn, fine.
Then comes the rider - it'll cost him $1000 per hour plus extras. If he wants you to behave like a porn actress you'll expect to be paid like one. End of story.
Phil
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male
reader, anon_e_mouse  +, writes (9 February 2008):
 Hiya,
"He compares... He starts asking for things I can't/don't want like doing it in the ass, or he'll comment on how im not tan enough or i should do the blonde with the black streaks or if he can cum on my face(which i can't stand) and other things--and when i checked his porn these all went with the girls he saw on porn"
Ok, we didn't know this before and this isn't a good sign. I would never compare my gf with actresses/porn-stars and the fact he suggests these things, especially suggesting you change your appearance for him, is out of order. It's no wonder you're insecure and worried about it.
If you're in a loving/caring relationship he should respect you and, if you're not comfortable with something, he shouldn't push the issue. AT the end of the day you get into a relationship with the other person for a reason, you don't get into a relationship and try and change the other person into who you want them to be.
"obession... I have sex with him nearly every day of the week unless its that time of the month. He also watches porn like twice a day... Its like i can't give him enough"
Then this sounds more like a proper addiction. I don't think it's healthy watching porn twice a day bearing in mind you both have an extremely active sex life.
"and the cheating one----ok i worded that wrong, cause its not cheating at all it just feels like it. I mean its like him going up to someone in real life and staring at their chest, and he'll get mad if a guy even calls me"
Whilst I can sort of understand where you're coming from I think there is a difference between watching porn, and getting annoyed if another guy calls you... Another guy calling you is REAL, porn isn't.
In my opinion it would be a hell of a lot worse if he was getting calls from REAL girls than looking at porn. Having said that, I think your boyfriends addiction to porn isn't healthy bearing in mind how often it is.
"Anon--i only read bits of yours cuz it was long. I understand single guys watching it, but if your in a committed relationship with a lot of sex, do you really need the extra porn? And i could care less about the profit being mad off of porn"
From what you've said in your reply, I would have to side with you since you both have a very active sex life and I do think he is going over the top with this porn thing. However, in my previous reply, I said:
"At the end of the day it can either spice up the relationship, or it can act as a replacement for needs that aren't being met"
In this case, I think he's trying to "spice up the relationship" since having sex almost every day is a lot.
I also said "... with a man in a relationship it's different altogether; perhaps sex has become a dull routine? After the initial spark is gone, looking at porn can be a way to get excited and interested again"
Have you considered perhaps you're having too much sex together and it's becoming more of a routine? Why don't you try turning him down and keeping it to a few times a week? I'm sure he'll soon get bored of "knocking one out" and want the real thing with you :)
I get the impression he wants to spice up both of your sex life. This doesn't mean you're no good. It's like eating steak every day... If you have it every day for a long time then it loses that special treat feeling... If you have it occassionally then it's awesome.
In economics its called the law of diminishing returns and can be applied to everything... from chocolate, your favourite meal, even to sex.
For example, if you received flowers from your bf every week for a year, I bet you'd expect it every week and it would just become the "norm" and lose that special treat feel. Same thing, in this case, with sex perhaps?
p.s. I only used facts and figures to illustrate how common/popular porn is since it would not be the gigantic industry it is if it were only a small minority watching it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2008): Hi Hunny,
If you need a chat message me anytime love and ill try and help anyway poss lots of love mandy xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2008): Hi Guys
TANKS! I think as long as we are good kind and honest peeps its up to us what we do in the privacy of our homes, I got abit battered there huh! HUNNY...I hope you read the link I gave you, And you are ok if you need a chat at anytime im only to happy message me ok that all got abit confussing for awhile YOU TAKE CARE SWEETHEART WITH LOVE N HUGS MANDY xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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female
reader, Cherriepie +, writes (9 February 2008):
To Ms anon who hates porn…wow...you have a serious problem...not us. I’ll just hit a few points here in response to your anti porn rant.
First of all hunny, if your research is serious why don’t you interview some of the biggest stars in the industry who have benefited and do not regret the work they do…Women like Jenna Jameson and Tera Patrick…these women have become producers and run their own companies!…what man is behind them putting them up to it? Sure you are going to find sob stories, but I can assure you there are a lot of jobs in many industries where job satisfaction isn’t high. Do you think women who work in sweat shop factories have nothing to complain about? Do you think that women who do jobs like waitressing, or anything in the service industries where you are truly being subservient to others needs, have it so easy. Do you think its easy being a women who juggles three jobs in order to feed and keep a roof over her kids heads and struggles daily? What does your research say about that?
If I were in the sex industry and making good money to stay alive and live comfortably who are you to judge me? How dare you force your pea-brained values on me. If you choose not to partake in watching porn that’s your business. But to look down on others and say there is something wrong with them, just because you disagree with them is downright insulting.
You presume to say…which makes me laugh… that men introduce porn to women and are forced to view it. Actually I was introduced to it from watching it with my girlfriends!
I happen to be BI (and I have done some classy spitting myself too) and I watch girl/girl porn which is acted out…produced and viewed by a lot of women, not just men!
I think your ultimate problem is you don’t like sex? You probably have the view that some crazy feminists have that any sex between a man and women is considered rape. You probably think that intercourse, and the nature of it being that women are in subjugated positions (except for woman on top) is like a violation to women. Do you go that far too?
DO you know what hunny?…sometimes I don’t want to be on top. Sometimes I watch porn without any man around. As I said before I have watched it with my girlfriends…no guys in sight anywhere! I watch porn and enjoy it like many women…and its not something we have learned to enjoy or have been forced to enjoy but actually enjoy. You say you have other things better to do than watch porn…sometimes I have nothing better to do! You seem to think watching porn is an avoidance of responsibilities…that’s crazy!…don’t you ever have any leisure time? Don’t you ever have fun? What do you do in your free time?...knitting? Why is that so hard for you to believe that watching porn can be fun and enjoyed by both men and women?
You seem to live in extremes when judging porn...like its all produced in slave labor camps with women captured against their wills. I do not doubt that that kind of porn exists out there but I don’t pay to watch that stuff...and you really have to go out of your way to find such extreme crap anyway. Anyone who watches that type of porn I would look at with concern too. The porn I watch…which is the majority of what is accessible in the market is produced by legitimate producers and the industry is very closely regulated. Other than that there is amateur porn made by everyday ordinary people…you not included.
One more thing...I also give to charity too…and don’t stand there and tell me you never in your life spent any money on something others would consider frivolous.
That’s all I need to say.
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male
reader, Asexy +, writes (9 February 2008):
 So if you keep getting the same answers, why do you keep asking the question?
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female
reader, A Cappella +, writes (8 February 2008):
 sorry, clicked too soon.
Anyway, I think troubletoomuch is being both smart and honest to say that he'd rather have a woman who wanted to do it with him than to hide it from her. Judging him for that is crap.
Get over yourself, female anon.
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female
reader, A Cappella +, writes (8 February 2008):
I loved troubledtoomuch and mandy7's responses. Very honest responses. And I agree whole heartedly. I've had this argument with female anon before. She quotes the one article and decides that it's the end-all be-all of human behavior. Judgmental rubbish.
See http://www.dearcupid.org/question/should-i-accept-his-use-of-pornography-whilst.html to see what we said there.
When two people have what they both consider a great sex life, it's ridiculous to think that there's something wrong with whatever they do to make it that way. I'm very sorry for the women who don't like porn. Fine. Don't like it. Your choice. But don't judge those of us who do like it.
And just like I recommend that if you can't wrap your brain around your BF's porn use that you should break up with him and find someone who will respect that, I think
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2008): Well, I can get down on some porn myself. Me and my boyfriend pop it in when we're feeling really wild. I guess we just have this kind of really wild, adventurous, open sexual relationship. We love trying new things, we absolutely ADORE each other and have a LOT of fun in the bedroom. I actually just wanted to say to Anonymous's post - I can't believe you've never had your guy spit on your va-jay-jay! I mean, maybe he doesn't need to be hocking up a loogie, but when things start to dry up, saliva is the perfect quick fix! I'm just fending for that, is all. Mostly I provide my own spit by licking my hand and moistening, but hey - if my boyfriends more conveniently placed than I - I don't mind. I get his spit in my mouth all the time when he kisses me!I am the one who instigates the porn viewing in our house - all though, I can't say I could really care if my boyfriend pops it in, but that's usually up to me. If I'm in the mood - he's more than enthused.Porn can be a fun addition to a sex life. I can only compare it to other sex toys - not everyone is into butt plugs or handcuffs or nipple clamps. Some people are like "WHOA, NOT FOR ME!", but for some they can be a good time. Mandy7 - I'M LOVING YA, GIRL. You always give AWESOME advice and anyone should be happy - nay, honored to get your opinion. Go you! Oh yes, and Amnesty International is an awesome charity. I have found myself active in a lot of their work as well. Hooray!
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2008): Hunny
Im 45 my fiance is 23 Im at my peak and so is he, I donate to http://www.amnesty.org/ every month and am a decent kind and caring human being and that I do not apologys for thankyou love mandy xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2008): To the anon female - why are you writing anonymously? Are you ashamed to admit who you are? Are you so insecure that you can't face the other posters? You say that we have uneducated and ignorant minds. Well, my stupid wife graduated from college summa cum laude. Can you even hope to come close? Perhaps you have a Ph.D. In which case, kudos to you. Believe me, you can't even begin to have the intelligence of my wife or Mandy7. Mandy7 has contributed many greatly helpful answers to many questions on this forum. You cannot even hope to be as useful as she has been and will continue to be.
However, I do greatly appreciate your response to our answers. You make me realize how lucky I am to have a wife like I have. God, I could have ended up with someone like you. Now, that would have been really depressing. When my wife read your first response, she said, "What hole did she crawl out of?"
Have a nice day and good luck with your research of the "facts".
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2008): To Mandy7 who said there is nothing wrong with her sex life - good for you. But a question - if there's nothing wrong, then why do you have to have porn as part of your loving relationship - I really don't understand. Don't you feel you turn your boyfriend on enough?? What do you get out of it?? My feeling is that most women go along with it for their partner's sake. Who introduced it to your relationship? And as for a women thinking up the idea - it's a man's world Mandy7 and if you read up on another anti-porn activist, Andrea Dworkin, she became the mentor for a women called Tracy Lord whose life had been ruined through her taking part in porn. All I am saying is, read up all the facts first. The reason I am researching this is because there are too many people hurt by it - what about human trafficking and all other other things associated with this sleazy industry. I'd rather put my hard earned money into a charity box than help fund porn.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2008): TO THE LAST POST HUNNY THERE IS CERTAINLY NOTHING WRONG WITH MY SEXUAL LIFE AND IM HAPPY AND VERY WELL INFACT AND SO ARE THE OTHER FRIENDS OF MINE ON THIS SITE!!!!!!!!!!!!! So please watch your porn for research reasons and have a good life like mine is the very best to you love n hugs mandy xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2008): My goodness is all I can say to some of the responses on here, especially from the guy who is quoted as saying "If she had hated porn then we would have probably ended the relationship when we could not agree on something that important"!!!! Sorry, did I read right - someone considers porn an "important" within the confines of a loving relationship. Jeez, these guys really are jaded.
Read Naomi Wolf's The Porn Myth to get a deeper understanding of the effects of porn and read all the posts on here from women whose partners view porn and suffer all of the problems like ED. Get yourself educated and do not take a biased opinion from the men on here. Not all men view porn and I love it when they use that as an excuse (just shows their ignorance really). Again, a man wrote in the post about why men keep it a secret - any secrets within a loving relationship is not healthy. Doesn't it equally make the men sound incredibly childish -is that just me or do other women agree? I have far more important things to do with my time and looking at porn is not one of them. Men need to grow up and accept personal responsibility; the very fact that the men on here need to do it means they are clearly addicted. And at the end of the day, you are funding a multi million dollar sleazy industry. I watched porn with my bf recently and it truly was a load of old rubbish. Our intimacy had gone and even he agreed that they are all the same really (once you've seen one you've seen them all - his quote). In fact a guy spat on a women's vagina in the film and I just looked at by boyfriend to say "classy"; he was embarrassed at that point because it was what it was, sleazy fodder for the uneducated and ignorant mind. And the girls that encourage the porn watching with their partners I feel quite sorry for them too (I watched it for reseach and haven't watched it since). You clearly don't do it for your man so he needs porn - you poor things. I think the guy on the post said something about his needs not being met which is why they turn to porn - THERE ARE TWO PEOPLE IN A RELATIONSHIP AND IT TAKES TWO OF YOU TO BE ACCOUNTABLE. IF NEEDS AREN'T BEING MET, IT'S TIME TO OPEN THE DISCUSSION WITH YOUR PARTNER, NOT TURN TO PORN.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2008): Hi Hunny,
I watch porn on occation with my partner or without my partner, I love my partner very much, its just a release of sexual need at a time when he may not be here same for him. I dont look upon it as cheating its visual stimulation it quick and its over. If I watch it with him then it not so quick. Its not an everyday thing like a need, I dont think the men would want to be with a woman who had the job of doing it, "Hi hunny how did your day go how many did you have to do today then" Its not something that would make a man happy in a loving relationship. Sweetheart its an industry and boy Ive always said a woman first thought of that what a great way of making money its got to be a womans idea!
You just have to get some self esteem love and feel great about you, If you have lots of confidence and your fella is good and kind to you then as a whole thats all that matters. Now my ex used to use the computor just for that and abuse me beat me and really hurt me after he had been watching stuff, Thats different he treated me as if I was a slut because of his addiction and thought all women were the same thats an illness. Hunny I could view this the same way as you after that but I dont because I no in my heart that there are not many men out there like that and if there are they are probably were he is now, Locked up! But your emotion and hurt is because you dont feel content with yourself and thats different, Always have faith in you never feel less of a person than you are, You are worth more than you think hunny so much more Ill send you a link to help with your self esteem.
http://www.selfesteem4women.com/
Ihope this helps sweetheart TAKE CARE WITH LOVE AND HUGS MANDY xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2008): I'll try to answer your opinions with my thoughts. These are just my thoughts from my experience.
"The guy compares you, and wonders why you can't do the same things they can"
I have never compared my wife to these women or wnat they do. As a matter of fact, I would prefer to watch the amateur videos because they are more like the sex that we have together. The professional films are just fantasies and the positions aren't even comfortable. My wife and I have even tried some of them after watching together and gave up and never tried them again.
"Keeps secrets"
The man only keeps a secret if his partner is so against it that it is the only way that he can watch. I have never kept it a secret from my wife, whether I have watched it by myself or with her. I don't need to because she sees nothing wrong with me watching it. We watched together this morning in bed to get a bit more excited, while we were fondling each other.
"Desensitizes men, so that the real sex is not as great"
Our sex is just as great whether we or I watch or not. If a guy watches because sex with his partner is boring then there is something wrong with the sexual part of the relationship and they need to solve the problem. The porn may or may not have caused the bad sex and the bad sex may have caused the need for porn. If the sex is not good then the couple needs to discuss their problem.
"causes obsession"
Perhaps, just like anything. If it turns into an addiction then the person needs help. It is the same as alcohol. A drink a day is fine and even healthful. Ten drinks a day is alcoholism. Porn is the same. Occasional watching is harmless. Five hours a day is deffinitely a major problem.
"causes problems like errectile disfunction"
You have got to be kidding me. LOL Where did you read that? I'm 63 and have watched porn with my first wife of 11 years and my second wife of 28 years and can still have sex most every day. There are guys in their 40s that have ED than have never watched porn. Perhaps porn prevents ED. Just a joke, in case you didn't get it. However, the facts of my sex life and other younger guys is real.
"causes a need to masturbate more than normal(more you do it the more you need to cling on to that feeling)"
It doesn't cause a need to masturbate. I get wide awake about 2 hours before my wife does and am always horny when I get awake, but I get out of bed and do some work so that I don't bother her when she wants to sleep. I watch porn for about 30 minutes before going back to bed so that I am horny again. We both like sex better in the morning since we were in our 50s and it works great for us. Some days we are both awake at the same time and there is no porn involved. When I was in my 40s, I wanted sex 3 times a day, while my wife wanted it once or twice. I used porn and masturbated to relieve my sexual stress. My wife knew that and was happy with the arrangement. If she wanted it more often on some days then I would not watch.
"it creates a feeling like all women want sex all the time and that if a man expects a women should accept."
Perhaps some people, like those who are addicted or those who can't understand. I don't expect sex from a woman if she says that she is not in the mood. I dated a very nice woman many years ago. She told me that she wanted to end the relationship on our final date. She told me that she wanted to sleep with me and not send me home that night, but that she thought that it was best if we didn't have sex. I made no attempt to have sex that night and didn't even try to fondle. We talked and fell asleep. I had watched porn for at least 10 years before I dated her and it didn't change my opinion of how to treat a woman.
"and my biggest thing is- how is it not really cheating?.........."
It's not cheating any more than if you flirt with a friend who you are close to. My wife and I used to flirt with our friends and never ended up in bed with any of them. Flirting is harmless. It's a way of telling someone who you like that you find them attractive. Everybody wins, as both people feel liked and attractive and get a confidence boost. If you are talking flirting as in trying to pick someone up then that is cheating. Porn is not cheating unless the guy goes to the Nevada brothel where some of the porn stars work and get sex.
My wife does not have a problem with it because I have never chosen porn over sex with her. She knows that I love having sex with her. She knows that sex with her is great for both of us. It doesn't bother her because she has confidence in herself as a sexual partner and as a partner in general. If she lacked confidence in herself then she may think differently. If I didn't treat her well then she might think differently. Of course, if there were those problems then porn would be the least of the concerns. My ex wife and I used to watch together. We got divorced after 11 years, but it was not because of porn or sex. It was for other reasons. She liked it as much as me, so I never watched myself.
It is your privelege to hate porn, but you seem to want to make up false "facts" to justify your hatred of it. If you want to hate it then fine. That is your choice and it is a correct choice for you. Just face the fact that you hate it, dump any guy who watches it if he will not stop and get someone who sees things like you do. There are lots of women who like porn and lots of both men and women who hate it. My wife and I decided to get married after 4 years of dating and 2 and 1/2 years of living together because we had no major differences in what we liked, both sexually and in life in general. If she had hated porn then we would have probably ended the relationship when we could not agree on something that important. Ther is nothing wrong with what you think, but your thoughts are not what everyone believes. Find a guy who you can agree with on your beliefs, whether if be porn, sex, politics, religion or anything that you feel so strongly about that you cannot compromise on it. This is true of anyone.
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reader, leonard j. Douglas  +, writes (8 February 2008):
Porn was born when God made a naked woman,Eve. I doubt that there was any wedding ceremony either, so they would of been living in what we call today,as an unmarried state. And their children married each other,who else was there to marry?. And we are not sure,but Adam may of had the first concubine,his own daughters.Yes, Porn can be addictive but then so can eating or lots of other things in this life. But porn can be quite useful to spice up a dull marriage,and help to make the relationship hot and passionate. So let him enjoy porn,after all you are the one who is getting the Sexual-Fall-Out,and I would have no complaint with that,if I were you.
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reader, stoocute40 +, writes (7 February 2008):
I find I have the same exact problem. And when I posted something about it too I got the same exact answers that men will be men and it's perfectly normal.....but the thing is to me it's not! Why do they feel the need to watch it if they already have a girlfriend, do we not satisfy them enough, then it makes me feel like I'm not good enough! I've tried to confront him about it and he simply just says that he'll do whatever he wants and that he doesn't seem there is a problem with it that it's perfectly normal.
I tried to explain that it feels like he's cheating on me cause of the reasons you described but he doesn't see it and he's like they're just ficticous people they aren't real.
If you have any advice for me that would be great, but I just wanted to tell you you're not the only one that has a problem with it.
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reader, Ileana +, writes (6 February 2008):
 Would you rather he watched and didnt touch other women?Or touched other women and didnt watch?Every single guy has a stash and if they say they havent, there lieing. Dont be jealous hes probably thinking of you doing what they're doing.Iileyanax
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2008): Ahh yes the age old porn debate!.
this issue has confused many people since pornography was born!.
its a hard subject to talk about,as everyone feels different about it.
I personally dont really have an issue with it, as long as it doesnt become like an addiction.
thats when its a problem, it really does depend on the person, if ur not comfortable with it then fine!. Tell ur partner how u feel.If he doesnt take you seriously then you need to decide if its something ur willing to live with or not.
Simple as that!.
hope I helped.
xx
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reader, anon_e_mouse +, writes (6 February 2008):
"i'm not sure where i read this, in some magazine probably, but there was a survey on this and 67% of the large sample of women viewed watching porn as cheating"
Surprising since according to an Oprah Winfrey Show 70% of men between the ages of 18-34 watch internet porn once a month. Most men do look/watch porn and I'm certain many do without their other half knowing. Of course there are times where you might get caught.
In simple terms 7 out of every 10 men look at/watch porn once a month. That's a lot. And if 7 women out of 10 deem this as cheating then it's no wonder divorce rates are higher than ever - the internet has made porn easily accessible... People who didn't have the guts to go into a shop and buy a magazine can now just search on the internet instead.
Interestingly, did you know porn is one of the major industries which actually embraces and pushes technology forward? It was the first industry to embrace photography, film, cinema, pay-per-view on TV, and even the pay-to-enter internet sites.
Also thinking about it, if it's not that common how come it's currently a £30 billion ($60 billion) industry globally?
Type "porn" into google and I guaranttee you won't find another word which isn't affiliated with sex that has as many results.
Anyway... Moving on from these thoughts and getting back to the question in hand... It is obvious why single men watch porn, but with a man in a relationship it's different altogether; perhaps sex has become a dull routine? After the initial spark is gone, looking at porn can be a way to get excited and interested again.
When I occassionally look at porn (I am single) I have to say I'm not dreaming about the porn-star women so don't worry about that. I wouldn't want a girlfriend that looks like a porn star/stripper at all! I know the difference between the real thing and there is absolutely no comparrison between watching porn and sex in a loving relationship.
Whilst I was with my girlfriend (we split up about 3 months ago) I have to say I never bothered with porn as we had an active sex life... Great sex too!
At the end of the day it can either spice up the relationship, or it can act as a replacement for needs that aren't being met.
For example, when my girlfriend was off on holiday for 11 days last year I must admit I did look at porn as my needs weren't being met. She wasn't best pleased when she returned and found out though and I'm sure if she'd have known about this site she would've asked the same question.
I have also been asked by a mate to delete his internet history before his girlfriend returned from her holiday. Why is this? Again, his needs weren't being met.
Would you rather we cheated with someone real rather than watch/look at some fantasy porn?
If your sex life is inadequate, and your partner is CONSTANTLY watching porn instead of paying attention to you, then this would suggest there is a bigger problem. This has nothing to do with the habit but more to do with the state of your relationship.
CONSTANTLY is the key word there. So don't go thinking "oh my god, my man watched porn a week ago I mustn't be meeting his needs".
Of course we keep it a secret as we know our other half will feel inadequate and perhaps even insecure about it and if you love someone you don't want to make them feel like that. Some things are best left secret... It's not a big deal any more than us men having to lie when you ask us...
"does my bum look big in this?" or "do you think I'm getting fat?" or "do you think she is attractive?".
Even if the answer was YES we say NO because we love you and don't want to make you feel inadequate.
p.s. We get this question a lot on here so I thought I'd try and give you a proper man's perspective rather than the usual "hey it's just porn, get over it" response.
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reader, Cherriepie +, writes (6 February 2008):
I watch porn and i dont think its cheating. I watch porn while having sex with my boyfriend. its entertainment. thats all it is. I masturbate and use toys too...i dont see that as cheating either even if Im in a realtionship. I think the problem is a lot of women are insecure about themselves and the thought of guys looking at other women naked makes them feel bad like they are being cheated on. thats just silly in my opinion. when i look at guys in those movies too it turns me on, but that doesnt equate to cheating with my boyfrend! he knows it and i know it!
Girls you got to get over this. a lot of guys DO watch porn and thats a fact. that doesnt make them monsters. I dont see myself as a monster or freak when i watch porn! I think thers lots more guys that wont admit watching porn, becaus their gfs object to it. And when they do find out its time to break up..."oh you don't love me anymore..you think those girls are better than me..." That kind if behavior makes me laugh! Girls you ought to have more confidence in yourselves not stop sweating the small stuff. Unless a guys totally addicted to it what's the problem?
And if your going around flirting with other guys to get back at your guy thats just destructive and stupid. your playing with fire acting like that. If I were your boufriend I'd break up with you if you acted out that way which is way worse than looking at porn. Look in the mirror grow up and get over it girl!
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2008): Don't worry, you're not alone. It's natural for men because they are stimulated by site where as women tend to be stimulated more by touch and emotion. They don't realize how it affects us. It makes us feel less adequate like we're not enough for them. It kind of makes me sick to think they get off on women who have sex with multiple partners for money. If you think about it, those women are just highly paid legal prostitutes.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2008): I totally and utterly agree with you! Everyone goes around saying, ''all guys watch porn, all guys watch porn'' but how the hell can they say this? Do they all meet up regularly, all the men in the world, and have porn meetings?! No! They don't! It's like walking around saying all men have large penises. It's one of those things that some men say to make themselves seem manly, mature, or experienced. Half of it is probably lies, although it is true that a lot of males do watch porn.
But it is not a fact at all that all men watch porn.
I understand why you're upset about him watching porn. If my boyfriend watched porn regularly, I'd be upset too! I'd be furious to be honest, I'd feel cheated on. I'd wonder why he didn't just concentrate on our own great sex life instead of some slut on a computer screen. Maybe I'm being to trusting, believing that he doesnt watch porn (or much, anyway) but if I found out he did, I'd feel the same as you.
So why isn't he stopping? Does he know you don't like it? If you haven't spoken to him about it, then you need to. Ask him why he watches porn, and why won't he stop. If he wants to masturbate regularly, fine. But I think this can all come down to one point... If YOU don't fulfil his fantasies, then he will look to OTHER girls to do this for him. Ask him what he likes in the bedroom, introduce some sexy lingerie (especially as Valentine's day is coming up!) and FULFIL HIS FANTASIES! Get his interest back in you and not these cheap girls. Make his dreams come real, and have confidence in yourself.
And eventually, he will lose his interest in porn. It may just be a phase, or it could be something more, I don't know, but you need to talk to him about it whatever it is. It should be sorted out sooner, rather than later. Your feelings towards his porn obsession are not unjustified, and are totally rational, so don't kid yourself into thinking they are. Good luck :]
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reader, randomgirl +, writes (6 February 2008):
i totally agree with you!
these are all the reasons why i don't want my boyfriend to watch porn - and thankfully he accepts how i feel about it.
i'm not sure where i read this, in some magazine probably, but there was a survey on this and 67% of the large sample of women viewed watching porn as cheating.
don't worry - we are not alone!
if you're having problems with your boyfriend watching porn - just show him this page and he should start to see that it does hurt you - and i think the way you put the part about it being cheating is very well put, if he can't understand that and is not willing to stop then he is not paying as much attention to your feelings as he should!
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