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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: If you were dating a woman of good standing, moral fibre and integrity.... what would you think of her if you found out she made one big mistake several years ago in the form of a one night stand found from the internet? Would who she is today be less because of what was? She had been going through a rough patch and learned the hard way the stupidness of being dumb.She would never ever be so reckless again.
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one night stand, the internet Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2012): " I only try to point out that I have a problem when someone labels a woman (or man) as 'immoral' for having had casual sex. Cheating is immoral. Lying is immoral. Sex between two single consenting adults is not."And I have a problem with people who try to dictate to others what they should or shouldn't consider immoral.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2012): Being a woman of "good standing, moral fibre and integrity", having a one night stand does not suddenly make you a woman of bad standing, amoral fibre and lacking in integrity. In fact, you can have occasions where you have had a one night stand, or several, and still hold onto your values and integrity. Humans are not one dimentional and are capable of a range of feelings and behaviours. You can be someone who in general likes to only have sex within the context of a loving committed mutual relationship, and still have occasions where you honour a genuine sexual connection or feeling of chemistry to be with someone you know you like or connect with, even if you haven't known them for much time, without having to label that part of yourself as being bad, dishonourable, or lacking in integrity. When you're single.
People who can't distinguish between sex in a loving relationship and sex with a relative stranger can be criticised for being shallow or lacking in the kind of values you hold dear to you, but its ok to have your values and still choose, if a moment feels right, to have a one night stand with honesty and integrity. I think its fairly common for this to occur, it varies from culture to culture (in some cultures women are still killed for this kind of thing) but in todays world its not unusual.
I would anticipate that any partner I have might have had one or several one night stands, and it doesn't affect my opinion of her one way or another, its not any kind of basis for judgement from anyone. In my opinion.
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A
female
reader, Stayc63088  +, writes (12 September 2012):
 I just don't see why you would need to disclose this to anyone. You can share the amount of sexual partners you have had but I don't see why you need to go into detail about each encounter and why. I didn't use to think this way until my current relationship. In the beginning we discussed sexual histories and I found out he had had a threesome. It took me FOREVER to get past it, and I still haven't completely moved on, I think about it from time to time. I now wonder why the hell he told me that and why I ever needed to know this information. I could've gone my whole life not knowing and have been blissfully unaware. But it's done. After that I vowed if I dated anyone else (this was before we were married) I would not discuss anything past how many partners. It does no good and serves no purpose. It can't be changed and doesn't help the relationship in any way.
That being said I think most men would be okay about it. Some men wouldn't but I think a majority accepts the past as past. I am one that doesn't agree with casual sex and wouldn't handle such information well. So the best advice is to keep it to yourself. If you somehow both get on the topic of one night stands you have had then you can probably share freely. Otherwise don't openly offer this information as it does no good for anyone. Also try not to beat yourself up so much over it. You obviously think it is a mistake and one you won't make again so let it go. We all make some mistakes even if it isn't in the category of casual sex.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (11 September 2012):
 She probably should have had a large "A" tatooed on her forehead when she wandered, that time in the past....
HOWEVER, since she has dodged that bullet (by not being found-out) I think you should grant her a "pass" and wait until the NEXT time that she acts like a tart, and THEN inflict the gravest discipline that you can imagine upon her!!!!
Great question.....
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female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (11 September 2012):
 Hi
I think there are an awful lot of 'decent' women who have had a one night stand,they just accept it happened and keep it to themselves,move on. I do not think having a small amount makes anyone a less moral person lacking integrity. Its nobody elses business either. Obviously if the girl is say 17 and had several, then its different to a woman in her 30s or 40s etc.
I would have no respect for a man/woman who knowingly did it with a married person or their friends partner, that to me says way more about a lack of integrity and moral fibre.
If a man wants a woman who has NEVER done a single thing he dissaproves of then he,to me, isnt worth my time.Give me a person who's experienced life and has an open mind anyday!
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male
reader, Yos  +, writes (11 September 2012):
 I guess I should clarify... everyone always has the right to choose who they want to be with in a relationship. For any reason that makes sense to them. That's what relationships are: a coming together of two people who both want to come together.
I only try to point out that I have a problem when someone labels a woman (or man) as 'immoral' for having had casual sex. Cheating is immoral. Lying is immoral. Sex between two single consenting adults is not.
And yes, morality above all is about empathy and compassion. That means acceptance letting go of negative energy :) Including negative energy directed at yourself.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2012): Tolerance means accepting people's different moral choices.
Its a moral choice to experiment with casual sex. It should be acceptable - with no mean spirited comments from the other side.
Its also a moral choice to not want to date people who experiment with casual sex. This should be equally acceptable - with no mean spirited comments from the other side.
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A
male
reader, Serpico +, writes (11 September 2012):
I personally wouldnt be in a relationship with a woman who would have a one night stand, but thats my own measuring stick. People have their own standards for what they will accept or wont. Many guys wont care. Im not one of them.
As Yos stated below, feel free to ding me for these types of honest comments. I figure if my rating isnt in the 5-7 range, Im not being blunt enough.....
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (11 September 2012):
Personally, I have little gripes with the past. In the end we're all human and we all make mistakes. Sometimes mistakes are actions, other time inaction. Not doing something and not experiencing something can be as big a mistake as risking it and getting burned. The past, your mistakes, your hardships, yet also your accomplishments and happiness have shaped you in the person you are today. If you are genuine in how you present yourself and a man falls in love with you, he should accept you as you are, with all the baggage that comes with you, as long as you are prepared to do the same for him.
Of course this is easier said than done. "Increased knowledge increases sorrow," is a well known saying and in some cases this is true. People who suffer from Retroactive Jealousy may have a hard time dealing with this info. So when you find someone you really like and you suspect he has less experience than you do, you have to make a judgment call whether to tell him or not. You have to decide for yourself how important it is for you to have the other person know this. It may not matter to him at all; he may be like me and think nothing of it. Or it could eat away at him. If you want to know more about this phenomenon, I highly recommend Yos' posts on the subject.
Lastly, stop beating yourself up over something you cannot change. As bad you may feel about doing this, you learned from it and that's a valuable thing.
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A
male
reader, JustHelpinAgain  +, writes (11 September 2012):
Its not realy a question of right or wrong but more that you share similar values with future partners. When we were young, even virgins, who and how we have sex is given great significance. I remember only thinking sex meant love until I met a girl where sex just meant fun. Now for me sex is fun, a lot of fun, but I still miss when it meant love. When it meant love being exclusive was easy, now, to be honest, it doesn't really matter.
I think this view is pretty well accepted in our modern society. But OP your past is your business and we would probably all be a lot happier if we just kept our past to ourselves, I certainly do!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2012): I wouldn't care, I've had 10's of one night stands through an equally tough period in my life. I'm not going to judge a girl based on having a one night stand.
I only care about cheating and other properly morally reprehensible acts, if she cheated with that guy then that would be a dealbreaker. Casual sex is not morally wrong if both parties wanted it.
I don't see anything morally wrong with a one night stand or casual sex at all but I'm only one man.
You'll find a guy who doesn't care but you also have to understand that a guy like that, like me may have also done the same thing and you too may have to look past the fact that he did it.
Most importantly though OP, don't ever think you have to apologise to a guy for having done that and never, ever let a guy punish you for it in any way. Any guy who would seek top be pissed at you or think you're bad for having done that is a person not worth dating, the past is the past and you didn't hurt anyone so you have nothing to feel bad about.
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A
male
reader, Yos +, writes (11 September 2012):
A single one night stand does not stop you being a person of good standing, moral fibre and integrity. A bit of casual sex is not immoral, as long as both people are single at the time and there is no manipulation going on.
I would say that someone who judges someone for this lacks moral fibre. Compassion is the highest moral calling, not judgement.
Comments like this get my rating knocked lower :)
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (11 September 2012):
 “If you were dating a man of good standing, moral fibre and integrity.... what would you think of her if you found out she made one big mistake several years ago in the form of a one night stand found from the internet?”
I fixed it for you…. Why does the fact that you are a woman change it? What if it was a man?
Why does ONE sexual encounter make you less of a person of good standing and moral fiber and integrity… I think the issue here is that YOU are judging yourself…..
Yes there are men that have a HUGE double standard.. they want virgins… LOTS of virgins to deflower…. And only ONE to marry…. But she better be frigid and lay there and let him have his way…. And never have considered another man in her life BEFORE HIM.
Why are you so hard on yourself… what would you do with a man who had a one night stand?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2012): It does matter. Casual sex is rarely a good thing. Right now in most western cultures, casual sex is being romanticized in the movies and novels. Do NOT fall for it because real life is not what you see in the movies. There are serious risks, really very serious risks to promiscuity. You dodged a bullet...learn from your mistake and don't make the same mistake again. I see some people here saying not to tell anyone....that's just bull crap. Own your mistakes and pass on what you have learned to others so that maybe they don't make the same mistake you did. "The past is the past" is a common, recurring bit of advice on this forum. It is weak advice. We are defined by what we do. Our past actions define who we are, like it or not. We CAN NEVER be defined by the present (we are in the process of commiting an act) nor the future (it hasn't happened yet).Self-awareness is the best advice you are going to get. Stop the self pity and find out why you did what you did.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2012): I have never indulged in casual sex and I would never, ever consider dating a woman who has. You're better off dating a guy with a similar attitude on sex and similar morals. Search in a bar or club.
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A
male
reader, Yos +, writes (11 September 2012):
I would tell her to read this, plus the other discussions on the subject:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/retroactive-jealousy--how-do-i-overcome-it.html
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2012): It appears this question is being answered mostly by females on behalf of males. To be honest, everyone is different. There is no single answer to this question. I would keep it to yourself, if you are not confident enough to tell the person you are with. I myself think if someone wants to judge a normaly decent girl over one 'mistake' then they are not worth being with. I was in a relationship with a serial cheat and what you did is nothing compared to her. Its not even anyones business.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2012): The same logic that says "Just lie about your sexual past" also says "Why not lie about any secret sexual affairs in the present too?"
What people don't know won't hurt them, right?
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (11 September 2012):
 You didn't mention whether the girl had a one night stand while she were dating the guy or if she had it before she was dating the guy.
I want to make it perfectly clear:
1. If the one night stand happened before she dated the guy and it was part of her history prior to dating him, it makes her no less decent, no less "upstanding", no less of a person of integrity because she chose to have a one night stand. She doesn't have to explain about the rough patch, or that it's something she regrets, because truthfully, it's okay if she DOESN'T regret it! The girl is no less of a good, decent, moral, upstanding person for having chosen to have a one night stand.
However,
2. If the one night stand happened WHILE she was dating the guy, then it's a completely different ball game. One night stand while in a relationship is cheating. That's looked on with a completely different moral measure than a single person choosing to have a one night stand.
Bottom line -- if you had the ONS before you met a guy, it's okay! I agree with Ciar and Anonymous123 that it's none of his business, and I will go further and say that you made no mistake that you need to atone or explain. Sure, you can regret having it as a personal choice, but it is NOT a mistake that you have to disclose because it makes you any less than a woman who didn't choose to have a ONS.
I'm going to assume by your demeanor that you're meaning that this ONS wasn't a cheating incident and tell you to stop beating yourself up! It happened! The fact that you had a ONS doesn't make you dumb. Doesn't make you dirty or loose or needing to feel like you're not a good and honest and upstanding choice for a meaningful relationship. It's a part of the tapestry that makes up your sexual actualization! You didn't cheat on anyone or lie to them or betray them. You didn't use the guy by pretending you wanted a relationship or faked love to get in his pants. You just had some fun.
Sure, you regret it because in hindsight, it was reckless and risky behavior. Then again, so is skydiving, speeding, running a red light, trying marijuana, riding a bicycle down a set of stairs (I broke my collarbone in half!), tornado chasing (baseball sized hail blew out half the windows in a car I was driving when I was 17) or any other stupid, dumb, or reckless things any person can get themselves into!
Go easy on yourself! Youth has its reckless moments, and we all learn from them! You're okay, and any guy worth his salt will love you for you and not treat your sexual past like he should own it.
Good luck, and hold your head up high!
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A
male
reader, Replacement +, writes (11 September 2012):
 Most adults have similar backgrounds. I've had a lot of one night stands, mostly unmemorable. I would assume the same from any woman I was seeing. My lady I know has had a few (don't know the exact number) and I've never thought twice about it. It's part of being in a grown up relationship.
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A
male
reader, Presario2010 +, writes (11 September 2012):
okay so, i'am a man and you need a mans perspect on this, if i found out but i really liked the girl, i would be upset but i would value her honesty and realize that everyone makes mistakes and the past is the past, you said you werent as smart back then obviously,we all make mistakes in the past but telling the truth to your partner gives him the security that you are honest and have since moved on and you hope that your partner understands this, but now adays people do this all the time it's kinda normal i think most people would not even care, i know i wouldnt, it would bother me of course but if i loved the girl then it wouldnt matter, and trust me i'am a controlling jelouse freak and if my girl told me this i would understand her and love more for her honesty, but seriouly must people now adays do this and is normal and most dont care heck some even like that there partners have been sexualy active and are more experienced but i guess you are not looking for that type of guy, but be honest and tell him it was in the past and the past shouldnt shape your future
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (11 September 2012):
 It does NOT matter in the least what you did years ago and it does not take anything away from you. OP all of us have skeletons in our closets. All of us have done things that we wish we hadn't done but in no way does that make anyone a bad person because to err is human. Everyone makes mistakes but once you learn from a mistake, its not a mistake anymore. Its a lesson learned the hard way.
In any case, your past is not of anyone's concern and never discuss it with anyone. Never, ever, ever. Because (a) it wont change anything in the present and (b) if your partner holds on to it and starts using it against you, you are in for hell, for no fault of yours. Keep quiet about it, its your personal life and you don't have to lay out every single detail for anyone to know.
Remember, as long as your past has no bearing on your present, its dead and gone and you don't ever need to bring it up.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (11 September 2012):
 I think that one night stands are harmless if your lover is more or less anonymous. It is never a wise idea to have fun with someone you know, someone who feels proud to tell the world who he scored. There is a difference between not knowing what you did and being rubbed on the face that you were once someone's discarded meat. A man who is compatible and open minded like you will not make you feel so bad that you have to vent to strangers online. You are not less than a woman who had not had a one night stand or a woman who had one but no one found out. Stop being so hard on yourself. It is some memory you don't want to revisit. Move on with life.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (11 September 2012):
 Don't lie about your history. Just politely and firmly decline to share it.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (11 September 2012):
A lot of men won't care as they've probably done the same. It was a one time thing that happened in the past and that is good enough for them. Hopefully you'll end up with one of these.
However, there are a lot of men for whom this would be an enormous, relationship destroying, life altering catastrophe. Their numbers may be smaller, but the damage they do is huge. They will be crushed that you allowed yourself to 'be used by some guy who didn't value' you. They will fixate on this event, obsess over it and play the encounter over and over in their minds. They may bombard you with questions until you're sick of hearing and talking about it, but it won't end there. They won't be able to sleep or concentrate for thinking about this.
And they will come here asking for our help in overcoming their retroactve jealousy. They'll tell us how they've always been confident, easy going guys and they don't understand why this is happening to them. They will tell us about how guilty they feel because you're such a wonderful woman who doesn't deserve their disgust but they can't help it and they're thinking of breaking up with you because of it.
I bet you think I'm blowing this all out of proportion, don't you? I am not. This scenario has repeated itself so many times I can write the script myself. Search the archives you'll see.
Chances are the the guy you meet won't care, but if he happens to be one of the ones who does, your life will become a living hell so please do yourself, me and every other woman who reads about other women being dragged through the mud a favour and do NOT...EVER...DISCUSS...YOUR...SEXUAL...HISTORY...WITH...ANY...MAN...EVER.
There is nothing wrong with you. You are a decent woman and you have nothing to be ashamed of. Just keep your private business private. Don't even discuss it with women friends if you think a man might be within 100 yards of you. I can't count how many times a man has learned the truth of his wife's past when he overheard her yammering to another woman about it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2012): I would think she was human and made a mistake, as we all do. Let the past be the past and enjoy her for the person she is today.
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