A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:The situation is this. I am friends with a work colleague, and lately we have gotten a bit closer, so she has started to confide in me about her relationship.I've heard gossip before about her partner, people have mentioned that he is a great deal older than her and very possessive, and she has recently told me herself that the reason why she can never work a late shift, or go to some of the social functions, is because she is not allowed, her partner expects her home, and in fact, she cannot go out at night at all. She also, sort of jokingly, said 'I should just leave him and come live with you'. Otherwise, she never mentions him at all in conversation, or even says his name.Recently we had after work drinks and dinner which she attended, but when it was over and everyone was ready to go, she kept trying to convince us to continue on to one of the bars or night clubs, I really got the impression, probably because of the other things I have heard, that she was reluctant to go home. I don't know if I should be concerned at all, there is not much here to go on except for a bit of gossip, but at the same time, I am very aware that domestic violence is a problem, and that by mentioning those few things to me, maybe she is trying to get me to ask her if she is okay? I don’t know, I’m just a little worried about my friend, but I wouldn’t want to offend her or anything.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2012): OP I have to disagree with the others to a certain degree although SVC's advice I think is great.
There are a few things I'd like to point out, firstly you're only getting close enough to get to know her now, it's best not to jump to assumptions OP in my experience things aren't always how they seem from the outside. I don't understand why people would stay with a possessive or controlling person but a lot of people do, and a lot of people need that in a partner and who's to say that's even the case OP? Maybe it's not about having his permission or of him being possessive maybe she's just overly cautious and paranoid as a person.
I have one friend for example whose girlfriend is nuts like that. All her friends and family think he's an abusive asshole or something but he's not, he wishes she'd be more independent and go out and do things on her own but she's very clingy and very worried that he may not approve and no matter how many times he tells her not to worry she does anyway.
Personally OP I never trust rumours or opinions of other people's relationships, I've had enough of them in my life to know that the dynamics of each is very different. Who's to say she's not the controlling one? Maybe she is so in the need to be in control of his life that she doesn't want to let him out of her sight. OP gossip is bullshit so don't worry nor act based on that or your assumptions. You really just never know what peoples relationships are really like until you know them both well. The friend I used as an example above is a very good case of that. She tells people she can't stay out because he wouldn't like that or she has to go call him every five minutes to check in, yet he'd love it if he had a bit more freedom from her. I've been at their place drinking and playing games, while she's at her mothers or out for the evening and she texts him non-stop, if he doesn't answer for ten minutes she'll text again asking if everything is okay, if he doesn't text back in 15 minutes she'll start calling his phone by 20 minutes she'll be in her car on her way home in tears thinking the world is about to fall apart.
OP it's okay to worry about friends, we all do at certain times but I never worry about friends based on rumours, only facts and even then when it comes to situations like this might be the only person who can sort it is them. If you start trying to interfere things may well get very messy for you and seeing as you work together if things go pear shaped your job may be at risk.
If things are that bad for her then why is she with him still?
Now if it a case of her being abused or something then there's something you have to consider and that's what happens guys who try to stick up for a woman who is being abused on the street by a guy. She will come to the defence of her partner every time and then the guy who tried to help only gets his ass kicked by both of them.
There is that much gossip and crap floating around work OP that should something similar happen if you try to interfere here then you could very well become the bad guy here and again your job will be at risk.
Basically don't do anything, don't believe what you hear, don't make assumptions and remember what's important here, your happiness, safety and your job. You can't live everyone else's life for them OP and you can't jump in to save them from something you really don't know in the first place.
I personally would stay well out of it. When I've known men and women in relationships like that I always tell them to either leave or shut up about it. Maybe you think that's cruel but I'm not going to sit there and be someone's emotional outlet, to relieve them of their stress and shit so they can keep going back. I went through that for years with one friend and it never did any good. So when a person tells me things like that first off I don't believe them, I then always tell them how they can resolve it and if they don't take my advice and stay where they are I tell them not to complain to me about it anymore, either fix it or fuck off.
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (11 September 2012):
 The only thing you can do is let her know that if she ever needs a place to stay or a friend you are there for her.
OTHER than that... .don't do or say anything.
FWIW, I have a partner who some deem abusive. I'm happy to deal with him... and I'm the OLDER partner so I don't want it thought that JUST because her partner is "a great deal older" that is why he's the way he is...
his personality was this way when he was younger too....
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A
female
reader, Plumb +, writes (11 September 2012):
 Women who've been in abusive relationships always find it hard to leave, now i say abusive only because it could lead to aggresion and what not. But putting that aside i think you should find out more about whats going on.. that is if shes ready to talk about it, in which it looks like shes giving off hints. But we as people can't read minds. All i can really suggest is you try as hard as you can to make her understand there is a way out and that is the door.. in some situations another state.
I've had many friends in this situation, I dont know what type of person your friend is but it does seem like shes in the midst of readying her self to leave.. i think she just needs a bit of a push or maybe even more.
I wish you and her the best c:
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A
male
reader, Presario2010 +, writes (11 September 2012):
Yes this does seem lika a typical domestic violence issue, these are extremly diffiuclt cases to deal with. If she wanted she could have left him a long time ago, i dealt with this also myself not first hand but i have seen this kind of thing before. I knew of a person who just like you said she had to be at home a certain hour and she used to come to our house and spend the day sometimes the night because she didnt want to go home and the man came to our house yelling and screaming and the wife said that she was here not partying our anything like that, she didnt want to be with him so she found the best solution, to be over at a family members house. What i can tell you from experience and listen closely is that these people DO NOT WANT HELP, and you know what is going to happen if you get involved is this, you offer your place for her to come live in, you are going to START THE DRAMA in your life as well, the guy will be coming at your door saying is my woman here, and even when he knows she is not there, guess who he is going to call and bother, YOU. He is going to come to your house as a first option and then call you and even get physical with you. So do not get involved in this, i would say call the cops or you know one of those agencies...that helps women with these issues, if she wanted she could have left already, but there is a mental problem, a reason she is staying with him. You know how the girl i told you about finally got away from the guy i told you about, our family moved away and her friends stopped talking to her and with no support she left him, almost like she was doing it for the attention, trust me the people that stay in this types of relationships are just as mental as the ones that are doing the pysical abuse, FOR years i felt sorry for this girl untill i realized she was just wanting the attention, think about it if this happened to YOU would you stay???? Do not get involved or it will becomne your problem, would you like to get calls all day saying where is my wife, where is she i'am coming to your house to check, i do not believe you... your her friend so you must be covering for her,,,,, Man her hell became my famililes hell and we STILL SOMETIMES get calls from him asking if we seen her around, These people need psycological help they both do, so call one of those agencies and you will see that they try to rehabalitate women mentally, not for the abuse they recieved but for why they allowed themselves to be put into these types of situations, because something is wrong with them so do not GET INVOLVED personally do not even tell her you called the agency or she will blame you for this mistake........... IF you need help send me a message i lived through this as a bystander like you and if you ever need some help send me a message, TRUST ME FOR what its worth do not get involved personally, think about it
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