A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone,I've been battling with this for a while now and after reading a lot of replies to similar questions here, I decided that this is the best place for me to get advice.My boyfriend and I are both young (we're both 20) and we met online when we were 15. Not a dating website, but a forum/community geared towards a specific online game. We became best friends and eventually fell in love. Two years ago, during our first semester of college, he drove the four hour distance to meet me. Our feelings only grew, and we began dating. This was a little over 18 months ago, and our relationship has had it's ups and downs but overall we've been great together, save for one thing. I wasn't the only girl he met on that forum. He developed feelings for another girl, but she lives several states away. Then, they fell out of touch for years. However, shortly after we started dating, they reconnected on Facebook. I was okay with this, and didn't think much of it. Then, I was cleaning out old files on my computer one day (I had let him borrow it for a few months and it was a mess) and came across some recent chat logs he had with her. They were flirtatious, and he even referenced that he was single (which he was not!) and talked about how he wished he had met her instead of me. We talked about this and I forgave him, with his promise he would never talk to her like that again. This was a year ago.Then, last week I found out he's been talking to her in a much more sexual nature. I don't know if it's rekindled recently or if it's been going on since last year. He's currently visiting with his friends out of state, job searching in the town we're supposed to be moving to together next week. I confronted him over the phone about the situation, and we fought briefly. He promised he'd never do it again (flashback...) and I told him we'd talk more when he came back to town this weekend.So all of that history boils down to my question ... how do I handle this situation?My plan is to tell him that if he really values our relationship he'll give me his word he won't ever talk to her in that manner again. If he can't honestly swear that to me, or if he breaks his word again, then we're through. It's not fair to me, and if he breaks his word we'll be under a lease in a new city and it won't be fair to either of us.I'd like to add that I really don't want to lose him over something so petty, but at the same time I cannot allow him to think something like this is okay, because the next step is a physical affair. It's also caused me a great deal of stress lately and has really killed my self-esteem.Any advice on how to handle this would be greatly appreciated!
View related questions:
affair, best friend, facebook, fell in love, flirt, met online, online game Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAnother update, one I'll possibly regret!
I decided that contacting her was the only way I could know for sure how he felt and how she felt. So ... I did it. (Possibly a really bad decision but oh well.)
She assures me she only cares for him as a friend, and just enjoys flirting with men. It's comforting to know she doesn't intend for it to go any further, but I'm unsure if he knows this and just enjoys the flirting, or if he thinks it's something real.
Anyways ... again, thank you for the advice. I do plan to put my foot down about this, and I'm going to try to follow my heart, too.
Either way ... I'm in a way, glad I talked to her, but I'm regretting the conversation I'll have to have with him where I explain I contacted her. I feel it sends the wrong message, but I didn't do it to be nosey or obsessive, I did it to know if there was anything real there.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2010): ummm...I'd say that u just should probably break up with him before it's too late.It seems to me that he is just takin advantage of u. But let the decision that u make be from ur heart. Follow your heart.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI call the situation petty because while it has caused me stress and pain, before this situation I didn't much of an issue with past boyfriends flirting, harmlessly.
The reason I know this is harmless, and I should have mentioned it in the question, was because they had a very rare opportunity to meet but didn't take it. About 11 months ago, a month after I found out about their first flirtations, he and I went on vacation in the very town she lives in. (It's a tourist town.) We had a fantastic vacation and he could have gotten in his car at any point and gone to meet her but he didn't, and it isn't likely he'll ever have another opportunity like that one, at least not for years.
I feel like he thinks of her as someone untouchable, and doesn't want to "spoil" that, and would never pursue anything other than flirtation.
Thank you, everyone, for your advice thus far. I do mean what I say about leaving him if he can't keep his word this time. I'm not sure if I should ask him to quit speaking to her entirely ... it feels almost too much to ask? She's his friend, in addition to all this...
...............................
A
female
reader, ctds001  +, writes (16 June 2010):
How can this seem petty, when you met and courted in exactly the same way he is now choosing to talk to this other woman?
You know internet conversations are real otherwise you would not be with your boyfriend now.
Maybe he tells you he gets bored and contacts her etc, but what is the difference between him chatting her up via the internet or going to a bar and chatting up a girl?
He is being disrespectful and the fact that you have caught him and asked him not to do it to no avail - shows he does not care.
Is this the type of boyfriend you deserve? Stop giving him chances to hurt you more, be brave and leave him! Maybe he may stop acting selfish or you may met someone who only has eyes and words for YOU!
...............................
A
female
reader, Gabrielle Stoker +, writes (16 June 2010):
 This is going to sound negative, I know, but he's pulled the wool over your eyes twice already. The first time you forgave him based on certain promises - he couldn't even keep those.
It's NOT petty. You sound like you deserve more respect.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 June 2010):
 Sorry but I have to be pessimistic about the outcome of this story.
He already broke is promises - twice in a year. What's the point of making him promise again ? Obviously he is the type of guy who has no particular scruples in breaking his word.
If you give him one last chance- then it must be really the very last one. You must be really prepared to kick his butt out of your life if he breaks the promise again. And you must make sure he takes you seriously your threat this time ( because by now he has seen he can talk himself back into your good graces ).
...............................
A
female
reader, Myrrh +, writes (16 June 2010):
 Hello. It was wrong of him to break a promise to you and talk to her in an inappropriate manner. Again! It was also wrong of him to pretend he was single. And it was extremely hurtful of him to tell her, he wished he'd met her not you! You will be feeling quite crushed. If you plan to move with him and start out together. It should be a very exciting and happy time for you both. Not one shrouded in hurt feelings and doubts! You say you dont want this to spoil things. But take care you dont "down play" how you feel because you dont want to jeopardize the move. If you do that and only show how you really feel after the move. Things could turn sour and you might find yourselves trapped in a miserable situation. So you need to clear the air with him now. Tell him how hurt you feel and get a cast iron gaurantee that it is you he wants to be with and he wont break anymore promises. Ask him to remove her from his contacts as he finds the temptation too much. Even postpone moving if you have to, until you are absolutely sure its what you both want. This move has to be about you and him sharing your lives as a happy couple or it wont work. So dont go anywhere until youve got some honest answers from him. All the best x
...............................
A
female
reader, Elydiese +, writes (16 June 2010):
I think the first thing you maybe ought to do is tell him straight like you said and ask him why he is doing this. Then ask him how much he actually cares about this relationship. As lsickle said has he ever mentioned vacations before? This is definatley not a petty reason, If he's cheated you should know about it and take it from there. It sounds like all the excitment he had meeting you and getting with you has resurfaced again but with someone else. Maybe he just likes that feeling of going to meet someone else? I really think you should talk to him and get it out in the open how you feel about this. I hope it goes well for you though x
...............................
A
male
reader, lsickle +, writes (16 June 2010):
i will start out with this...fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me. Now when the first incident happened he pretty much told you will not act in this manner again. First mistake was to allow there friendship to continue but thats another ball of wax. I have made this mistake myself. Now you find out that basically they have had cyber sex. Or at least thats what i gather. So it is very safe to say this relationship of your boyfriends never ended its just grown. Now think...over the past year and a half has he taken any vacas weekend with just the guys and for that time was hard to get in contact with. Or sometimes you try to get a hold of him and he is unreachable. Or maybe this mystery girl visited him. These are all very likely possibilities if he was willing to lie to this other girl without blinking an eye and have no empathy for your feelings....i would say its time to be cautious and more alert. I believe you are at a very serious decision. Oh and one more thing can u trust him....and does he trust you or does he just enjoy that he thinks you are oblivious to his deciet and he just likes he can pull the wool over your eyes.....i feel for u it sucks....
...............................
|
