A
male
age
41-50,
*ace
writes:I'm 29 years old and have been married to my wife for 5 years, We have 1 daughter who is 18 months old and I love her. I have been having an affair with this girl I met through friends since my daughter was just a few weeks old. It was me being a stupid guy and thinking with my dick not my head. For the first year I would find myself sexually frustrated and I would go to her for sex. Then I started to have feelings for her. A few weeks ago, she told me she was pregnant. I told my wife and she left. I don't blame her, she didn't deserve this. But the girl I was having an affair with says she loves me but doesn't know if she can be labelled as "the homewrecker", so she thinks maybe we need some time apart. What did I do with my life is what I'm thinking. My family thinks I'm an ass (which I agree with), but I never meant to hurt my wife. How can I get her to forgive me?
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 December 2009): what a wonderful way to start the new year. Congrats Jace, i cant tell you how good it is to know that you did the right thing and it worked. Thanks for the followup. Mal
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male
reader, Jace +, writes (29 December 2009):
Jace is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHappy Holidays everyone. I spent the holidays playing daddy to 3 wonderful kids. And I have so very good news. My wife and I are a renewing our wedding vows on News Years Eve. We got married on New Years eve 5 yrs ago so we decided (kinda last minute) that we would renew them on our anniversary. She came to me a few weeks before christmas and ask if we could , and I guess god had it planned for us , because our minster was free and so was the first hall we called. Believe me people I will be saying these vows loud and clear and I will never stray away from them again.
Cheers
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2009): Congrats Jace. You seem very happy and just don’t get caught up with Kristy again. Yes it feels good to be a dad and be there during the labour and birthing but i now think you HAVE TO BE REALISTIC and back off from Kristy. If you want your marriage to survive (if you care ANYTHING for your wife), you need to be a HB to your wife and NOT a LOVER/FRIEND to Kristy. Very often people fall into the same sh1t when they are caught up with unnecessary emotions, and I think you can easily get back into your cheating ways if you do not watch it. Your DUTY to Kristy IS OVER, your only interaction now should be about the BABY.
Yet again, you really do not know just what a good DECENT woman your wife is., she is a gem and you almost lost her. Do not give her a reason to get rid of you from her life. You almost didn’t get another chance, some people do not get this opportunity SO DON’T MESS UP.
“Star, I took your advice seriously and have been watching my wife very close to see any signs of depression..........” I am not “Star”. Glad you have been monitoring your wife’s emotions though. Love her, respect her, cherish her. DO NOT CHEAT AGAIN, or else you will only have yourself to blame for the hell you will create.
Your fraternising with Kristy should now be over and Please DO NOT compromise your wife again. Your role should only be that of a father and NOTHING ELSE. If you belief otherwise, then you are more foolish than ever. I am not picking on you, merely trying to forewarn you not to fall back into your cheating ways. Remaining friends/or whatever else the term is, with the OTHER WOMAN is NEVER good for a marriage. And it does not give the marriage a chance to survive. Remember Kristy is your past, your wife your present and your future.
DON'T MESS IT UP MAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 November 2009): Congrats! Glad to hear that things are going good. Good job on the past 6 months Jace, and on 2 healthy babies. ;)
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male
reader, Jace +, writes (15 November 2009):
Jace is verified as being by the original poster of the question Is the proud daddy to Jacelyn Grace.
born Nov 13/09 weighing 7lbs even and 20inchs long.
Kristy was induced on the 12th (due to low amniotic fluid), labor didn't progress so she was taken in for a C-section the following morning. With my wife labor went VERY fast with both our children , so this was a completly new experience for me. Both mom and baby are doing wonderful and should be home in a few day.
Star, I took your advice seriously and have been watching my wife very close to see any signs of depression. She seems to be doing well. I have a little getaway planned for us now that Jacelyn is here. She didnt come to the hospital with me , she said that it would uncomfortable, but we all agreed that once Kristy is settled in at home that we would visit as a family and introduce Breanna and Breenan to their new sister.
Thanks for everything guys
Jace
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2009): you know Jace i read and re read your comments of what you have learnt during this time. you are really blessed to have a wife like yours. i think she is truly amazing and she actually deserves a medal. she is more tolerant than i could ever be. just treat her well and love her forever. she is really one in a million and you have no idea what a gem you have. you are indeed lucky that you have been given a second chance. what is sad is that your affair still affects your wife and that she is still burdened by your betrayal. just obseve that during this time she doesn't suddenly go into depession so soon after baby's birth. many strange things happen when a woman gives birth, their hormones are all over the place and they are actually fragile and vulnerable. it is so easy to slip into some sort of post partum depression.
best of luck and just love your family totally and your story is a lesson to all cheaters.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2009): jace, i just came onto this story today. I have just read it from the first post to the last. All i can say is i felt many different emotions...and i am so happy with the way you have pulled yourself and your family back from the brink. You were one blink of an eye from losing it all, and you ponied up. Im proud of you. Im proud of your wife. You won us at dc over against all odds and you have become a man right before our eyes. God bless and good luck. ~ml~.
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reader, Jace +, writes (28 September 2009):
Jace is verified as being by the original poster of the questionEach person is allowed thier own opinion, you wouldn't forgive me. My wife has, I thank her every day for that. like I have said several time before the feelings I had for Kristy were based on sex and lust. My wife has my whole heart.
Denny and Gina, thank you. The two have you have responded in postitve ways and didn't place to much judgement on me. Yes Denny, I have tried my best to face my actions head on. The first time my wfe and I wernt to church after this whole ordel was out in the open we got looks and whispers, but I held my head up high, held my wifes hand and only took her feelings into consideration.
My main focus is my family now, I can to close to losing it once I will never take that for granted again. So I am off to the hospital to see my little man! Cam't wait to bring him home with us.
Jace
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 September 2009): I wouldn't forgive your actions were I your wife. She may in time if you keep your distance.
What concerns me is you seem to imply that the only reason you want your wife back is because the pregnant woman doesn't want to be a home wrecker. Think about it. That's not a good reason to mend a relationship.
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reader, Jace +, writes (28 September 2009):
Jace is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes Kristy and I are still in contact we talk regually but only inregards to her pregnancy. My wife has met her.I won't go as far as saying they will be friends but they are civilized.
As for what I have learned through all of this ... Wow where do I start.
First - no matter if the person you betrayed says they forgive you , self forgiviness is the hardest thing ever. There has been nights that after an agruement or jsut a stressful day I will hear my wife crying, and it kills me. Because I know that I am the reason that she is crying and there is nothing I can do to change that.
secondly - for any girl out there reading this. If you are involved with a married man, walk away now. regardless of the fact that it takes 2 people to have an affair people will put blame on the single girl. I am not defending Kristy, she knew I was married and choose to be with me but I too knew I was married and I choose to get involved to. There has been people in our small town who have come face to face with Kristy and called her a home wrecker/ slut.
and for men who are thinking about having an affair. Look at it this way every time you look into your wife's eyes you will see the look of disappointment. Every time you walk into a room filled with her friends or family they will look at you with disgust and anger. I had a good friendship with my brother in law and now he tolerates me because he has to.
No matter how many hours you spend at couciling / therapy your relationship will never go back to where it was. Once those bridges are burnt there is no going back.
This may sound silly but I guess I (like many men) never looked at how good I had it at home until I thought I lost it all. I always thought I was a guy that pulled my weight around the house until I took a step back and looked at what she really did. did you know that in 5 yrs of marriage I never once refilled the salt shaker, I honestly couldnt even till you where the box of salt was. I know it is nothing major but it is the stupid little thing we take for granted. I thougth that I was stressed out and needed a break , all the while when I was out screwing another women my wife was at home looking after a infant , looking after our house and wondeerign where the hell I was.
I cant change what I have done but I can make sure it never happens again.
So right now my focus is on my newborn son, my beautiful daughter and my wife. I am spending what seems like many hours trying to figure out some sort of custody aggrement before my daughter is born. Thanksful my wife is loving enough to know that forgiving me meant loving a child that isn't hers.
thanks for all the supprt
Jace
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reader, Jace +, writes (27 September 2009):
Jace is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo answer the female readers questions.Kristy and I still have contact, she has moved out of town, she lives about 2 hrs away. She is due in 7 weeks , and is excepting a girl. We haven`t completely figured out how we will share custody just yet but we are working on that and hope to have all legal matters done before she is born. I have only seen her , for visits regarding the baby not sexually. My wife and Kristy have met a few times now. I wouldnt go as far as saying they will be friends but all of their meeting where civilized and my wife has been very open to the fact that Kristy and I will share a daughter together, and that child will be living as part of our family also.As for what I learned.... where to start.No amount of therapy or counselling can take a relationship back to where it once was. Once those bridges are burnt it is impossible to just forget about the past. We work hard ever day to make our relationship work, it will never be the same but I am just thankful that my wife could find it in her heart to forgive me.As for any girl who reads this, if you are involved with a married man. Walk away ... Run away fast. Because once it all comes out in the open and it will, you will be at fault. Many people (men and women) in our small town have actually come face ot face with Kristy and called her a home-wrecker - slut things to that nature. I am not defending her by any means, she knew I was married but choose to be with me. But she was not the only one at fault. And for any men out there..... if you have an affair and betray your wife, you will forever live with the big letter A on your forehead. Each time you look at your wife you will see a look of disappointment. Each time you walk into a room of her friends and family you will see faces of disgust and anger. I once had a great friendship with my brother in law , now he tolerates me because he has to. I hurt my wife, I hurt Kristy and their lives will never be the same. My wife lives daily with the fact that I will be a father to another woman's child, just weeks younger then our son. Kristy is now a women who will have to explain to her daughter that she had an affair with a married man. I now have 2 families to support, financially and emotional.to all husbands out there ... before you complain that your life is stressful and you need a guys night out take a huge step back and look at everything big and little that your wife does. My wife was at home raising a infant while I was out screwing another women. She had a child to worry about and was wondering where her husband was. Your wife (if she is anything like mine) is the one that keeps the family together, I thought I pulled my weighted around the house until I actually stepped back and looked at everything she does for me. I was married 5 yrs and I never once refilled the salt shaker, I know it is nothing big but that was just some stupid little thing that she did. Laundry, paying bills, making doctors appointment for our daughter just everything. If any one needs a break in a household I am almost sure it is the wife.I cant take back what I did. But I can make sure it doesn`t happen again. I can be a great husband to my wife and a co parent with Kristy.Thanks everyone for the advice and tolerance in the past few months. I will do my best to be a better husband and I will keep everyone updated once Kristy has our baby.Jace
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2009): ooopse forgot to add: Is it appropriate to ask what happened to Kristy and her baby? are you still in contact with her?
its been a few months now since your affair was revealed, and the subsequent pregnancies by both your wife and Kristy. what has been your learning curb from all this? do you have any valuable insight for any one else in a similar position.
congrats again. in the end you did good.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2009): Jace, congrats to you and your wife. trust you have been a good husband to the wife. trusting that you have remained faithful and supportive through her pregancy and now will also step up and be the loyal faithful husband we all know you can be.
take care and enjoy your kids and their mum. i think both you and your wife have endured so much and that your marriage is now as strong as ever.
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reader, Jace +, writes (27 September 2009):
Jace is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIS A PROUD DADDY TO A NEW SON!!!!
My wife gave birth to a beautiful little boy last week, Sept 22, @ 2:45am. Breenan Jace Ryann was born weighing 4lbs 8onze, he was 5 weeks premature but doing wonderful, Dr's and nurses have said that he is doing greet and should be home very soon.
My wife is doing good, the labor and delivery was easy, (her words not mine.) Our daughter is a very proud big sister.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2009): Way to go! As star said...you have a long road ahead! But you are doing all the right things! I am very happy for you! I wish you the best of luck and happiness!
Britt
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2009): long road ahead, keep going dude, and try and stay on the path this time....
Good luck!
Star.x.
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male
reader, Jace +, writes (6 May 2009):
Jace is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell my wife has agreed to come to counciling with me . We strted marriage counciling plus I go alone. We also talked to our preacher and he has set up some time for us to speak with him. Her family is stepping in and helping out with our daughter so we can spend some more alone time together.
I know I have angered alot of peopleon here andsome of you think I am looking for sympathy and after I spent so much need time alone i understand how alot of you and certain people in our town would think that. But that is not the case. I only wanted the best for my daughter and my unborn children.
I personally think that my wife and I took a huge step by seeking outside help and I really think that our marriage willbe save by this. God, knows I love my family and they are my whole life. Kristy plans on moving out of state with her family. I dont like the idea of not being close to my child but it will be easier for my wife. Although my wife says that she will love Kristy child because it is part of me. Both pregnancys are going fine, my wife is considered high risk since our daughter was born early,so I have been doing what ever i can to make her comfortable.
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female
reader, jessica04 +, writes (15 April 2009):
 You need to go to marriage counseling with your wife. She still has a lot of raw emotion to get through, and the stress of it is not good for her or the baby. Go to a counselor who can mediate for you two as you delve into these issues.
And at this point, if she is willing to stick it out with you, then she shouldn't say no to counseling. This is too big for both of you to fix on your own. If she does say no, I would seriously consider divorce, as your daughter will always be exposed to this nastiness, and so would your unborn child. For their sake, go to counseling. At this point we are all limited with what we can do for you and advise you on. You both need to be seeing someone, not just you online udating us.
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male
reader, Jace +, writes (15 April 2009):
Jace is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI understand that she has the right to not trust me, but we can't fight 24/7. We have a rule in our house that we wont fight in front of our daughter and she did. I have been trying my best to show her how much I love her. But at the same time she lied to me also. She willing went behind my back and tried to get pregnant, even after she knew wath my thoughts were on this.
I know it sounds like I am being a jerk but we had enough problems and I am scard that another baby could possible make it worse.
I haven't left my wife side other then to go to work and to go to the mall at lunch to buy her some easter gifts in te last few weeks. I make sure I tell her I love her everytime she walks into a room, I tell her she is beautiful, I cook her dinner, I am trying ... I really am . But her yelling, screaming, and crying every couple of minutes is hard. She refuses to talk civilized to me in the last few days and like I said it's not healthy for our daughter to be around.
And for Gina---- I know that birth control shouldnt be up to just the female, but my wife also said she didnt want any more kids. I have been with my wife for 9 yrs (dated for 4 years married for 5) and we stopped using condoms along time ago. As for with Kristy, we would get caught up in the moment and forget, yes it was stupid I know.
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female
reader, Dazed~Confused  +, writes (15 April 2009):
 Are you two in couples counselling? I think you really need to do that. This is not healthy for either one of you. Your marriage has/had bigger issues than you cheating, and those need to be resolved before the 2 of you have any hope of sorting through this. I wish you both the best of luck.
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reader, Jace +, writes (14 April 2009):
Jace is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThings seem to go from bad to worse , yesterday I was about 10 minutes late from work and my wife started accusing me of being with Kristy. Today she started yelling at me in front of our daughter because she thought I was hitting on our neighbour when I said "hello" to her. I know she has alot on her mind but I don't know what more I can do to prove I love her. She even wants to met Kristy, its almost like she is obsessed with her. I love my wife but he behaviour is killing me.
Then I found out that she was trying to get pregnant....she didnt even tell me that she went off birth control. We both agreeed when my daughter was born that we only wanted ONE child, just one. And now she tells me that she planned this pegnancy. So now instead of one child I'm going to have 3. She knew I didnt want anymore kids. I wasn't shy in telling her that. I'm furious with her. But if say anything she turns it all back to the fact I lied to her. I'm beginning to think that she will throw it in my face for the rest of my life.
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reader, Dazed~Confused +, writes (13 April 2009):
Good Luck!
Wow, you are going to have a hard time of it.
It's going to be a long road getting your wife to trust you again no matter what. Keep in mind now she's dealing with hormones on top of everything else.
You can't blame her for wondering/questioning whether or not you're going to be faithful this time round. This chapter will be a real test for the both of you.
Just be patient, keep reassuring her.....it will be hard on you but that's what it's going to take.
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male
reader, Jace +, writes (13 April 2009):
Jace is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWOW, as if my wife and I didnt have enough to work through already. Last week she told me she was almost 3 months pregnant!!!!! Her family is very upset and thinks that is the only reason she forgave me, she sas it isnt.
So right now I am trying to reasure her that I won't leave her alone once our second child is born. She keeps thinking that I will have another affair. I am emotionally exhausted from explaining to her that I love her and would never put her through that again.
Wish me luck
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 April 2009): Jace, don't mean to be rude, but please post an update next time, it is easier than going into "archives".
glad things are working out at home. good luck and stay positive and keep up "date" night with the wife.
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reader, Jace +, writes (3 April 2009):
Jace is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWent to a doctos appointment today with Kristy, had an ultasound and the baby looks good. To early to find out the sex, so we will have to wait.
I am spending alot of time at home. We have made a weekly date night for just the two of us and my sister takes the baby for the night so we can spend some time alone. My wife is doing great, she is slowly gaining alittle faith in me. I will keep everyone posted on how things work out.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2009): Good For You! I am truly happy to hear a happy situation for a change!
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reader, Jace +, writes (28 March 2009):
Jace is verified as being by the original poster of the questionM wife and I went out on a "date",spent several nice hours talking with out any yelling or blaming. She has asked me to go to church as a family tomorrow, each day is one step forward for us. I must say I feel like the luckiest man in the world to be given a second chance.
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reader, Jace +, writes (24 March 2009):
Jace is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI plan on telling my wife everything from this point on, and not seeing Kristy alone unless it is for appointments and things like that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2009): Just make certain you keep your wife in the loop at ALL TIMES regarding contact/ communication /decions taken regarding the baby, with this woman.
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reader, Jace +, writes (23 March 2009):
Jace is verified as being by the original poster of the questionright now I'm staying with my sister. Yes, I have talked to Kristy once in the past few weeks, she called to let me know that she will be having an ultra sound on fiday and wanted to give me the chance to come if I wanted.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2009): at least you and the wife are talking.
where are you now living. do you still have contact with kristy?
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reader, Jace +, writes (22 March 2009):
Jace is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell like I said she moved home but did tell me to get out, But at least I know that they are comfotable at home.
And thanks for all the support.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2009): glad she is back home........just remember today is the start of the rest of your marriage......give it your best shot. YOUR WIFE IS WORTH IT. and I know you are trying.
(I am the one that asked how your wife was doing, and i am also the female reader where both you and I have been "somewhat" rude to each other (meaning we have been trading a few war of words. however no malice was intended. sorry about that)
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reader, kaylagal +, writes (22 March 2009):
 Good luck..
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reader, Jace +, writes (22 March 2009):
Jace is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFor the female reader who asked about my wife, she is still very upset. Good news is she moved back home, (she kicked me out mind you) but at least I know my daughter can sleep in her own bed in her own room.My wife did ask me to stay with her and talk, so I did. We spent the better part of the day just talking. She said she lost all trust in me (which is excepted), she seemed most upset about the fact of when the affair started. We both know that what ever happens now , if she decided to forgive or not the main thing is keeping our selves under control in front of our daughter. We want this to have as little of a negative effect on her as possible.I told her I would get counciling if she wanted , I want her to know how serious I am about making this right.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2009): pvtguy, you just lost me with your psycology and reasoning. learnt something here.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2009): how is your wife holding up with all of this
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reader, Jace +, writes (22 March 2009):
Jace is verified as being by the original poster of the questionjust one. other woman i should say , her name is kristy
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2009): you say "other women", was there more than 1. i always assumed that there was only 1 other involved, but you keep saying 'other women"
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reader, Jace +, writes (22 March 2009):
Jace is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI never really thought about safety when I was witht he other women, My wife and I wee both vigins when we met so STDs neve crossed my mind.I realized that I can defend myself until the end of time on here most of you you opinion of me and that isnt going to change.As for why I did it. I dont know, I liek the fact that another women wanted me, I liked the attention I got when I was with her. When I was with her I didnt have to wory about money, work o a new born baby. I was selfish and thought of only me and what I wanted . I didnt think about my wifes feelings. But now I realize all the pain I caused her and regret it deeply.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2009): Did you even stop to think about using a condom? That the OW could have an STD that you could pass on to your wife?
My deepest sympathies to your wife.
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female
reader, jessica04 +, writes (21 March 2009):
Hey, Y'all, let's cut him even just a little bit of slack. He put up with the comments dragging him through the mud and didn't argue against them. Even though he can't really "fix" what he did, you can't blame him for wanting to try.
Jace, just keep your head above water. You have a long, rough road ahead of you. I think it's good at least that you and your wife have talked. But only time will tell if her wounds heal. You seem to really know what you want now, and if you pursue it with every fiber of your being, you stand a good chance of getting it back.
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reader, Jace +, writes (21 March 2009):
Jace is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes, female poster I am trying to take the moral high ground here. Like I said I know what I did was wrong so now I am trying to do right.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2009): Jace, I think you are now calling the kettle black! You seem shocked to say the least that I advised you to not be part of the child’s life. You now seem to be so self righteous. You did not, in your earlier post reveal that you have discussed being in this child’s life with your wife and the decision you both had taken was that you should take responsibility. Had I known I would not have posted the second response. I just questioned realistically about your situation, and your wife’s possible feeling towards this baby. You seem to be taking the moral high ground all of a sudden. All I can now say is EACH TO HIS OWN.
“To the female who said I should walk away from this baby, WOW I cant believe any women would encourage a guy to walk out of his childs life.” I can also judge you for so much more than you have done, eg. Sleeping with someone else other than your wife, lying, cheating, making your lover pregnant and then DUMPING YOUR LOVER, having a baby with this woman etc etc etc. You enjoyed the game, got caught and now morally reformed!!!You are now so outraged. All I can say is WOW, WHAT MORAL FIBRE YOU POSSESS. I merely suggested because you did not say that a decision was taken jointly by both yourself and wife. I may have SUGGESTED but my friend, YOU DID! And just when I was feeling sympathy for you and actually admiring that you have done the right thing…………I NOW PITY YOUR WIFE WITH BEING WITH SOMEONE LIKE YOU, LET’S HOPE THAT SHE WAKES UP AND NOW SMELL THE COFFEE and not continue looking at you with rose tinted glasses……..You can get all the credit you now need. SELF RIGHTEOUS and MORAL, now my turn to again say WOW, indeed.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2009): Yes you love your wife but however you betrayed her. She has thr right to choose whether to stay or leave you.
You are an "IRREPONSIBLE" man! You only want the unborn child, what about the poor woman who is pregnant with your child. You only want to "F..K" her, and care for the child and dump her! Are you a man! More like a beast!
You should be accountable for all of them. But they are the ones who has the choice now to dump you but not you to dump them! "Ass..."
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reader, kaylagal +, writes (20 March 2009):
Jace,
I totally agree with you and your wife about the baby with the other woman. You have to be a father to that child, it's the right thing to do.
Best of luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2009): thing is its happened. you are the father of two children. you have to do right by them both.
you have to choose between the mothers and you have, now she has to choose you.
star.x
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reader, Jace +, writes (20 March 2009):
Jace is verified as being by the original poster of the questionStar, thanks for giving me some points. I dont except alot of sympathy for ladies on here nor do I feel I deserve it, but I think I should get credit for stepping up and taking resposiblity for my unborn child.
To the female who said I should walk away from this baby, WOW I cant believe any women would encourage a guy to walk out of his childs life. I have explained to my wife that the other women is keeping the baby and my wife agrees that I should be a man and take care of this baby. SHe knows forgiving me means accepting this child into her life as well. Lets just keep our fingers cross that she can find it in her heart to do so.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2009): jace, just to let you know, i am the female that you (party) directed your last post to, please note that I have also responded today, the 20th, starting with the words " i am glad ................mends all hearts concerned one day."
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2009): Jace,
You can have some more points back from me for the last post. Just be honest with her and let her lead on what she wants you to do - if its not see her again, then you go. If its move out for a month then do it. If its wear a large sign saying I am a fool, then do it.
Its going to be a long struggle with your wife and she will probably not forgive you and she will never ever forget.
Good luck
Star.x.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2009): I am glad that you finally realised that you love your wife.But i think you are missing something so vital here. I know yyou want to now do the right thing by being a part of this child's life. Will your wife accept you child with this other person. How will she cope with this child's existence. Will she resent this child? This child will be living proof of your affair, and every time she looks at him/her the proof of the betrayal will be staring her in the face. The question I am asking , Are you being fair to this unborn child? Will this child be another stumbling block in your marriage? Does your wife know of your intention to be a "visible father" in this child's life. It means shared holidays, daddy's visitation rights, joint meetings with this other woman to discuss the child's wellbeing, school, problems etc. Will your wife cope with this intrusion in HER LIFE? These are hard questions you need to be asking. I believe it is still early days yet for your wife, she is still dealing with your betrayal. You are asking a lot from her - I am hoping for your sake that she eventually accepts this baby. She may see this baby as the bane of her life, a sad constant reminder. It is not going to be easy - there is more pain/ confrontations/ finger pointing to come. I am hoping that it works out for you, I really do admire that you want to be there for this unborn child, but are you realistic? I am not telling you what you want to hear but i think you need to hear it. Good luck, i hope that this situation mends all hearts concerned one day.
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reader, Jace +, writes (20 March 2009):
Jace is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo the female who wrote the last post :YEs I hurt my wife, I did the lowest thing you could do to a person and I know she deserves better. But I DO LOVE HER! I would move heaven and earth for her. YEs I f*cked up big time I know that and I want so much to take it back. But I cannt whats done is done . Now I need to show her how much I care abotu her and our daughter.
There is no cance of any type of relationsip with the other women, yes I wil be there for the baby we made.Like you said their are already to many unloved and unwanted kids in the world so I would never do that to a child. I will be a man and be there for my son or daughter. There will be no lack of love on my part.
Do I think I deserve forgives no, i understand if she never wnats to see me again. But I will never give up on her NEVER.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2009): hi, your poor wife, betrayed by you and now the evidence of your betrayal will be there for the rest of her life with you. You have been having an affair for almost 18 months and only confessed when your lover became pregnant. Would this have carried on if the lover wasn't. Yes it would. You would have been having your cake and eating it too.
Why does this other person want to keep this baby? Is there a possibility that with you involved in the baby's life you both can worm yourselves into each others lives again? This is what normally happens.
Your wife is devastated by your deceit and betrayal. Her trust in you and the marriage is destroyed. What is the likelihood that once a cheater always a cheater with you.
Unfortunately at the moment the hurt and pain is too much for your wife. When she sees you she sees someone that she doesn't know anymore. Someone who lies and cheats. For the love of sex you have destroyed this person whom you claim you love. Don't you get it - it's OK to F**K your wife (crude, sorry). You could have still released your sexual tensions with your wife BUT WHAT DID YOU DO? You know the answer to the question. You let her deal with a newborn baby while you were entertaining yourself with your lover. Why not shower her with love and affection instead of the lover? Right now your wife feels as though you have ripped out her heart, she is feeling empty, she is wounded and guess what. YOU DID THIS TO HER.
You got yourself into a real pickle, the fact that you want to be part of this baby's life is the main obstacle. Why not just pay maintenance and tell the "home wrecker", as she calls herself, to bring up the baby alone. After all, it wasn't planned. You both can't be so morally correct that abortion is a dirty word. After all you were having an illicit relationship. So how about an abortion? It is not the end of the world. Millions decide to do this. Children born out of illicit relationships also have a "stigma" attached to them. How is the lover going to answer when the child asks "where's my dad, or why doesn't my dad stay with us, or better still why is my dad married to that other lady" How do you answer honestly to these innocent questions. Or when the child asks, how did mummy and daddy meet? You know sometimes lovers just want to have the child to show that something good can actually come out of a bad/illicit affair. This is not fair on the child!!!
This other person wants some time apart, what's going to happen when she decides that she can live with herself as a homewrecker/ Would you dump your wife (assuming she forgives you)and get it going with this person again. I am sure you would because you are still LUSTING after her. You are fooling you yourself (and your loyal/faithful /trustworthy wife) by thinking that your relationship with this other person is over. It's not. The sh1t is just starting. Because she would want part of you. And would you oblige?
If you DEFINATELY love your wife and you have chosen her then you need to start at the beginning. Taking things slow , at the wife's pace. She will NEVER forget this betrayal so you just have to put up with it when she throws this in your face all the time. You need to be certain that YOU WILL NOT BE "thinking with my dick not my head" again.
ABORTION IS NOT A DIRTY WORD, TOO many unwanted, unloved, deprived, children in the world already. Do you want your one in that category too? You MESSED UP, BIG TIME. You only started your soul searching when you were caught (evidence=pregnancy), lets hope you do the right thing from now on. Your WIFE deserves better. Are you ready to be a better husband, father and soul mate? Give up the lover and everything related to that relationship. Do something right for your wife. Stop playing the martyr and want to be involved with that baby. You will destroy your wife further.
Lastly, if you cannot salvage your marriage, release your faithful wife so that she can meet someone else who will not "just think with their dick but their head". You wife deserves happiness and if she finds it with someone else, why not. She must be young as well, let's hope that she doesn't give up on her life. How would you feel if another man was doing all those things you were doing with your lover, to your wife. Would make you sick just thinking about another man fu**ing her, would you. That is how your wife is feeling - she is emotionally crushed. So, don't waste your wife's time anymore, if you cannot change. Allow her to lead a fulfilled, passionate, sex filled life with someone, if you cannot change. Do not be selfish. You know that there are still good men out there. One of them can still make her happy if you can't. And they will ensure that they take of you daughter as well. That is the life you are facing if you make the wrong choice.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2009): the greatest thing you can do now is give your wife time to let this settle. give her space and time (ok two things) it wont be quick - could be a 30 years. But if you love her you will wait. Give her space and time. Fool. it might just work out.
oH very important tell her you are sorry - i mean really sorry and meant it. Every single atom in your body is sorry.
Star.x.
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male
reader, Jace +, writes (18 March 2009):
Jace is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have talked to both my wife and the other women. Yes, the other women plans on keeping the baby, and I WILL be a part of the childs life. I helped make it so I plan on helping raise it.
Yes, in my first post I said I started having feelings for the other women but not love, just stronger lust feelings. I liked the attention she gave me. They dont even come close to the feelings I have for my wife.
I have tried to talk to wife calmly and reasonablely but she is still very anger (which is understandable) but we both know that we need to set our emotions aside for our daughter.
Alot of you asked which women I want, I only want my wife. I regret what I did, not just becuase I got "caught" but because I hurt her and broke her trust. But I will not give up on my family. It make takes weeks, months even yrs for her to realize that I love her but I will not stop showing her , I will not stop until she knows how important she is to me.
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female
reader, AskEve  +, writes (18 March 2009):
 Is this other woman going to have this child? If she doesn't want to make things worse then she may decide to terminate. Have you spoken to her about this?The best thing you can do is give your wife TIME... time to get her head around things, she has a lot to take in. She thought you really loved her and was trying hard to cope with a new baby and raging hormones, she needed your support here and instead you were off screwing someone else! Is it any wonder she's left you? Okay, I'm sure you know that so end of lecture. There is always a chance she will forgive you if you truly ARE sorry and she loves you enough. There is ALWAYS HOPE... but only she can decide. This other woman was right, you certainly DO need time apart... period! I'd have nothing more to do with this other woman in a romantic sense. (See what she intends to do with regards to keeping the baby and just hope she decides against it for your wife's sake!)Once all of this sinks in with your wife and her head clears, then you and her will be able to talk. You have to let her SEE how sorry you are here, that it was nothing more than sex (maybe even an addiction) and that you would be willing to go to a counsellor if she thinks it would help, in fact you are willing to do ANYTHING to make things up to her. Reassure her though that what you DO know for sure is that you have no feelings for this other woman, that it's over because you now realise that she (your wife) and your daughter are the most important things in your life, then just hope it's not to late!~Eve~
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female
reader, Italie +, writes (18 March 2009):
 I'm confused. Who is it that you want to be with?? It looks as though you've had a conversation with the mistress about staying with her and she's blown you out so now you want to get back with the wife - have i got that right??
You need to learn to be a man and grow up. Decide NOW who you want to be with, if either, tell them both where they stand and let them make their decisions. You cant hedge your bets and see who will put up with you!! You owe your wife that much - you vowed to be with her forsaking all others and couldn't do that.
Personally, I dont think you deserve your wife and you should let her find someone that will be right for her. You and the 'homewrecker' obviously have no morals or conscience so suit each other well although I guarantee that, as you know what each other are capable of, you will NEVER fully trust each other in a proper adult realtionship.
Leave your wife and child alone. You'll never make her happy and she'll always hurt over this much as she might try to hide it and move on. She and your child are still young enought to find a decent husband and father.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2009): Well, I don't agree with others who said your wife will never forgive you, people do forgive and move on. However, what do you want? What you did was not smart, can you be forgiven yes, do you deserve to be, no, no one does, but people still do forgive. So, if you ask for forgiveness, make sure you are sincere and realize it may take some time and trust is not rebuilt in a day. You made a mess, fix it! Be a real man!
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2009): I almost feel badly for you. You have made a mess of your life. You really have no one to blame but yourself. As a grown man, with any sense of decency, you really should have known better.
I feel for your wife. It must be incredibly hard to not only know that your husband was cheating, but that he is expecting a child. Since you obviously had unprotected sex, she now has to get herself tested. Basically, as much as you're hurting, you at least knew what was going on. She has to deal with all of this fresh, while caring for your child, and try to make a new life for herself.
I hope she doesn't take you back because you don't deserve her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2009): Well...there's not much more to say, that hasn't been said! I just want to comment on how many men have answered your question! I think it is important for you to see that. It's not just a bunch of "scorned women" telling you, you screwed up big time.
There are good, thoughtful, faithful, caring men out there and it warms my heart to read all their intelligent thoughts. You need to take a lesson from these guys who have responded to you! Maybe, someday, you will learn to be a grown-up, and think with your head!
As for getting your wife to forgive you...I doubt that it will happen. If she's smart, she will have nothing to do with you ever again!
You have been a great role model for your little baby girl!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2009): It's bad enough when a man cheats on his wife,but for a man to cheat on his wife when there is a child involved is despicable. How do you think your child would feel if they ever found out that you cheated on their mum? Not only have you been selfish by betraying your wife, you have also been selfish by betraying your child. I'm sorry but i cant have any sympathy for you, but i do for your wife and child. And,dear god,i dread to think what will happen when your child finds out that it's half sibling is the result of your affair !.My parents got divorced when i was 19. At the time,i found out that they had actually had problems when i was a kid, which really hurt me. Everything had seemed ok,and we had some wonderful, happy times,and to think that some of those times might have been a pretense was hurtful.I even found out that my mum had cheated on my dad a couple of times. As far as i'm aware,my dad didn't cheat on her. Unfortunately,even though she gave birth to me, i despise my mum for what she did. Instead of cheating, she could have just left my dad. Apparently,she stayed with him for mine and my younger brother's sake,and wanted to wait till we were older. It would have been better if she hadn't cheated at all, and just left my dad earlier.I never understand why married people cheat. Instead of cheating,why not either resist the temptation, or divorce your spouse before it happens?.
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female
reader, jessica04 +, writes (18 March 2009):
Honestly, there is probably nothing you can do to earn her forgiveness. She left, and if you read through other questions and responses here, you'll find we encourage women in emotionally and physically abusive relationships to leave. Now, on to your new life....
Really, if I were you, I would start from square one. You don't need to be with either of these women, since neither is going to want to deal with the other.
Just start over and try to be the best dad you can be to both of your children. You will have to have open lines of communication with each mother, but I would not pursue a romantic relationship with either one of them. It's just going to hurt the other too much.
You have done enough damage, you know this. Let both of them try to move on, and in the meantime be a good dad.
Sorry, but she may never forgive you. My ex cheated on me, and even though we're on friendly terms now, I still haven't forgiven him for all of the hurt he caused. And we didn't even have kids involved.
Best of luck, sorry you had to learn this all the hard way.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2009): You don't deserve her forgiveness. Pay her child support and leave that beautiful woman alone.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2009): You don't deserve forgiveness. Your wife, family, and friends should all turn their backs on you. You're selfish and since you only thought about yourself, then you deserve to be alone and spend all your time thinking about yourself... and what you've lost. I hope both women have nothing to do with you. As for the "other woman", she is a home wrecker.... it's a little late for her to grow a conscience now. Btw, since you seem to be a tad confused as to who you want... if she was willing to sleep with a married man, she'll likely cheat on you. And you, having done it once will do it again. Your wife was right to leave. Probably not what you wanted to hear, but as someone else pointed out, you only came clean because the other woman is having your child... kinda hard to hide that. How long would this have continued otherwise?
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2009): you cant. she will never forgive you - unless you set her up with a millionaire or similar.
i agree with your family. now for the want of sex you have lost everything. fool. well done.
so how to redem sometihng from this - apart from a terrible learning experience.
which woman do you want - choose right now. (should be a quick choice) then you have to tell the other one you will support the kid and be the best father that you can be and you are sorry, really bloody sorry.
ok so thats the one you don't want sorted - now to get the one you want - you could cut your wotsit off and give to her? no . well the next she will need is space - so tell her that you are going to give her space. no contact etc. and be professional at this point.
Don't go shagging someone else you have split up with the other one. Time MAY heal this - but really down to you and showing how sorry you are.
Good luck and you actually get points for realising you are a fool. Now stop being one and sort this out - you can, but its tight.
Very good luck, Star.x.
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female
reader, kaylagal +, writes (17 March 2009):
Do you want your wife back coz it sounds like you're pursuing the other woman too..
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female
reader, Dazed~Confused +, writes (17 March 2009):
Having found out recently that the guy I loved was cheating on me, the one thing I can tell you is that your wife is hurting.
What you did was a betrayal of her trust and love for you, and that is something that once broken is very hard to rebuild.
First, you need to ask yourself, who is it you really want to be with.
If it's your wife then you are going to have to work hard to prove to her how sorry you are, and she is going to have to learn to trust you again, if that's even possible for her. It takes time, and she is going to be hurt and angry for a long time. You have to decide whether you are willing to put in the effort to fix this.
Your situation is further complicated because the woman you had the affair with is pregnant. This means that your wife is going to have to come to terms with the fact that this woman and her child are now going to be a permanent fixture in your life. That's going to be very hard for her....
You need to tell your wife you are sorry, and tell her that you are willing to do whatever it takes to make it up to her. I suggest that you get marriage counselling, and maybe counselling for yourself as well because what you did was inherently selfish. You basically showed your wife that you didn't respect her, and that your needs came before her well being. You also put her health at risk....meanwhile, she was at home caring for your child....
It's going to take a lot of time and effort, and she is going to be angry for a very long time. If you want her back be prepared to work for it. Let her set the pace, be there for her as much as you can and as much as she needs you to be, but also let her work through things. She may forgive you, and she may not, but those are the consequences sometimes....
Good luck.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (17 March 2009):
 You should ask your wife that question. She is the only one who can give you the right answer.
Why do people not understand that when you cheat it WILL come out sooner or later. And WTF were you thinking that it wouldn't HURT your wife? And not using protection? I could go on but I don't want to clobber you with questions that I'm sure you have already heard.
You need to talk to your wife - maybe she will be willing to try couples counseling maybe she just wants you out of her life. Not much you can do until you talk to her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2009): 1. Yes, you are an Ass.
2. Yes, she's Skanky the Homewrecker.
And one more thing, you're CONFUSED. Do you just want forgiveness from your wife or you also want her back? Sounds like you also want the other woman. What do you want? I hope your wife doesn't take you back coz you don't know what you want. And you only confessed coz there's a baby on the way. I admire your wife, more women should be like her. I hope she finds a man who is true to her and treats her and your daughter like queeens.
How can I get her to forgive me? Well ask for forgiveness but don't forget to tell her that you're still going after the other woman.
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