A
male
age
30-35,
*rBrightside90
writes:Hey guys and girls, about three weeks ago I started dating this girl named lets say Cindy. We spent a lot of time together just watching movies, having sex, talking, and really liking each other. Cindy even bought me a Star Wars t-shirt when she was out shopping, because she knows that I'm a Star Wars fan, and I found this really sweet. She told me on numerous occasions that she did not want anyone else and that she was happy with our situation. Cindy is from the States, living here in Europe now, to suprise her I even found an all american food store and bought her her favorite candy bars, cereal, etc. However, last night she went to a party and you might guess already, she made out with another guy. The worst part is that me and Cindy are in the same studies, and together in some of our classes. The party she attended was a university hosted halloween drink, with a lot of our class mates going. Not only do I feel heartbroken but also embarrassed, because a good portion of my friends saw her make out with another guy. Cindy confessed immediately after the party texting me at 5 AM how sorry she was and that she was drunk. For me alcohol is never an acceptable excuse; I've been drunk plenty of times and I have never cheated on a significant other. Today she keeps begging me to forgive her and to continue our relationship. I know that we were never officially a couple, eventhough we acted like one, but I still feel very very hurt. What are your guys and girls two cents about this all?Thanks everyone :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2012): "she told me on several occasions how she dislikes talking to him because the topic is only the study association."
I hate when that happens and I don't get it to be honest. I know plenty of people that are just as fickle. They say one thing about a person to your face and then act another way around them. Two-faced.
I don't know OP, I'd seriously let her go if you have major feelings for her.
She talks about a guy like she has no time for him then goes and hooks up with him, all this after talking and acting like you were the only one for her, official or not that makes her unreliable, fickle and two-faced. Now I've been to my fair share of parties and I know the deal, I could be wrong but I have a feeling someone said to her in passing wasn't she seeing you, maybe even he asked her if that was the case but with all those people who know you there someone would have said something to her while he went to get another drink or just in passing sometime. Something like that happening at a party is kind of a big deal when it's a girl who's supposed to be seeing your friend, quite literally becomes a topic of conversation, especially if those friends know how much you like her, add alcohol to that mix too and I doubt I'm wrong. In that respect I question her reasoning behind her "confession", sounds like she's just covering her own ass to be honest and playing to the entire group. Because if she messes you about then she'll get a rep and pissing you off may be social suicide in your class and make university a lot of hassle for her.
If it was me and I was looking for something serious she wouldn't be it, I'd definitely keep her around as a casual fling though because she sounds cool. But she loses all consideration as a future partner and I can see other people too especially if she's only an exchange student that is only in Holland for a while, if that's the case then may aswell carry on the fling like nothing happened just switch your long term thinking to "no relationship" and jump ship if you start to fall in love. You know her deal now OP, you know what she's like, her good and bad sides. You can enjoy her time and company with no-strings or you can walk away. Casual flings can be a hell of a lot of fun when you know it's not going to develop any further, takes a hell of a lot of the pressure off, no need to impress a girl you see no future with either, can be great. No need to tell her that's your thinking either as long as you never lie or deceive her should she ever ask. I mean basically don't do what she did and say "you're the only one" or anything like that but feel free to date and act as much of a boyfriend as you like, just don't commit if she ever wants to have the talk.
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male
reader, human_male  +, writes (31 October 2012):
 I'd tend to give her another chance if I were you. She seems really contrite and sorry for what she did.
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reader, Xearo  +, writes (31 October 2012):
If I were you I would have a lot of trust issues after this...I too have gotten drunk but I havn't decapitated an entire village yet. I don't really want to go into the whole being drunk things because a lot of people have very different experiences when getting drunk.
I think the BEST thing to do is to let some time pass and generally see how things go. Maybe you will get over it or not and maybe (hopefully) this is not a recurring habit of hers. But the only way to find these things out is to just be patient and when you feel like the time is right, then by all means go steady. Continue with her but if she asks, just tell her you are taking your time because this situation has confused you a lot and put you in a rough position.
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reader, CindyCares  +, writes (31 October 2012):
 I don't buy either that being drunk is a valid esxcuse for cheating. It's not that when people are drunk they change personality, morals,and values- same like when people are drunk they ( generally, at least ! ) don't go around robbing banks or beating up old ladies or kidnapping infants for a ransom. People , when drunk, only do what they'd do regardless as soon as they can find a plausible excuse for doing it- and alcohol, in their mind, is such an excuse. But , if it would not have been alcohol, who knows, maybe it was going to be PMS or stress or felling homesick or whatnot.
Now , though, I get the feeling we are stuck on the " cheating " part, like, was she really cheating if she was not officially your gf ? I guess it works a bit differently between USA and Europe , and that's why the American aunts say: what are you moaning about, she was not your gf. In USA you need to have had " the talk " and officially defined the relationship, until that it's a free for all,multiple dating is fine.
But in Europe ( with the exception of UK, which seems to be half and half ? ) mostly we are, or at least used to be till very recently, serial monogamists. It's implied that, unless expressely stated differently right off the bat, once you start going out and kissing and being intimate even just to some degree, that you try them ONE at a time , and all other kisses and fondling are suspended for the duration. Now, this serial monogamy, may also have very short times , and a very very rapid turnover, -
but if you say you like a guy ( or girl ) and you show you like a guy,- it's not cool to go around kissing other people. You don't go "next" without having let go of the first, - and that's exactly, I guess, what the Dutch OP complains about. - She may not be an official Scarlet Letter cheater- but she is surely a bit of a jerk .
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (31 October 2012):
 MrBrightside90,
A. “she claims” so you are saying you don’t believe that she was drunk….. even when drunk we just tend to do things that we want to do but don’t when we are sober…. Drunk just lets down the walls we put up, it does not change us fundamentally
B. You are grasping at straws here to justify that you think what she did was contemptible because he’s not as good looking as you or not as good personality wise based on what she’s said… who knows what happened that night they were drinking….
C. Her implications are the issue here… she told you she only wanted to be with you…did you respond to this statement or just ignore it. Perhaps it was her way of asking you to go steady and when you ignored it she felt that she was free to do what she pleased?
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reader, MrBrightside90 +, writes (31 October 2012):
MrBrightside90 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey So_Very_Confused,
Thanks for your opinion, appreciated. I do want to clarify something, A. she claims to have been drunk, so why would personality be a factor here, well maybe for females it is.
and B. This guy is basically a "walking brochure" for the study association that organizes these parties, she told me on several occasions how she dislikes talking to him because the topic is only the study association. Thus I highly doubt that he has some super nice personality that swept her off her too drunk feet.
Finally, she implied that she wanted to go steady by all her actions and even telling me several times that she only wanted to be with me.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (31 October 2012):
"Another weird thing is this guy that she made out with is far less attractive than me (this might sound douchy but I really don't mean to put him down or anything)"
maybe he is not as attractive as you would like but maybe his insides are nicer?
don't be judging folks based on appearance....
If she said she told you because she felt bad... for whatever reason you got told she TOLD you.. you didn't find out from someone else... to me that's bonus points for her...
again.. had you "asked her to go steady" because for me, if i was dating a boy for three weeks and he had not asked me to go steady I would assume I was free to kiss who I wanted when I wanted.
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reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (31 October 2012):
either after three brief weeks you were a committed couple and she did wrong or you were not and she had every right to do what she did.
granted what she said and what she did do not match and I'm more inclined to look at behavior vs words...
and NO being drunk or high is not an excuse...
therefore if you have a zero tolerance policy I'd let her go.
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reader, MrBrightside90 +, writes (31 October 2012):
MrBrightside90 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey Cerberus,Thanks for your reply man it really makes a lot of sense, especially this part;"The one question I would ask myself is this, did she let me know and admit to it because my friends were there and everyone saw her and would she have even told me if no one witnessed it?"I confronted her with that, obviously she kept insisting that it was her own choice to tell me because she felt bad, etc, but I can never be sure of that, now can I ?The really weird thing is that I would have never expected such behaviour from this girl, but well live and learn I guess. Another weird thing is this guy that she made out with is far less attractive than me (this might sound douchy but I really don't mean to put him down or anything), I just dont know why someone would take a step down, it would make more sense for me if she made out with a really hot guy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2012): While technically she was free to hook up with whomever she likes it kind of makes her "I don't want anyone else" comment complete bullshit.
Me personally I would walk away. I have no time for women who make liars out of themselves and frankly I don't like sharing the woman I'm seeing with anyone else. If they want to fool around with numerous people then they can find others who are more into that thing.
The one question I would ask myself is this, did she let me know and admit to it because my friends were there and everyone saw her and would she have even told me if no one witnessed it?
With all due respect to Anonymous 123 while you were not exclusive she did make it clear she only wanted you and then she did a complete turn around on that.
I personally would not take a risk with a girl who can so easily get off with someone else while drunk, I mean if it can happen once it can happen again, not only that but it says she's not really serious about carrying this forward into a serious relationship so I would ensure that doesn't happen. I'd stay with her for the sex, but walk away if I actually had feeling for her.
In your position I'd walk away, this girl obviously wants to fuck around with as many Dutch guys as possible while she's there, best to let her go ahead with that.
Ik zou weg lopen.
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reader, kenny  +, writes (31 October 2012):
 your right alcohol is never as exceptable excuse to go behind someone's back. I know that you have not been seeing her for very long and ultimately you were never officially a couple, but you were seeing alot of each other doing couple things with possible a relationship on the cards. I don't think what she did was right, however she does seem sorry for what she has done, even texting you at 5.00am to say how sorry she was.
I think that now its down to you as to whether or not you can forgive her or not. If your with her and you start to have trust issues and feel that you can't trust her to go to another party, always worried who every text and call is from then i would refrain from getting back with her. One of the key ingredients in a relationship is trust, if there is no trust then a relationship is sure to fail.
Good luck
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reader, MrBrightside90 +, writes (31 October 2012):
MrBrightside90 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey Anonymous 123,
Well yeah the whole relationship definition is something that is hazy. We were seeing each other without having the relationship specified. However, she did mention that she only wanted to see me and only liked me more than a few times. I agree with you that she can do whatever she wants because we never clearly defined the relationship, but still its somewhat of a *bleep* move in my opinion when you express how you just want to be with that one person.
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female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (31 October 2012):
 You say you were dating this girl yet you were never officially a couple. What does that mean? If you date someone then you automatically are considered to be a couple and exclusive, unless otherwise specified from the beginning that you are in an open relationship. Or were you in an FWB situation? I don't really understand.
In any case, you have to define your relationship and have the 'talk'. Decide if you are exclusive or not and if it is an FWB or a regular "relationship" relationship.
As of now, if you are not exclusive then she can make out with whoever she wants without apologizing to you. But please define your relationship first.
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