A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am losing feelings for my boyfriend. I am 44, he is 47. We have been dating for almost 2 years. He works too much and we hardly ever see each other. I keep telling myself that I'm getting used to it...but I'm not. I feel sorry for myself and feel myself starting to become snarky, resentful and angry because of it. If my boyfriend were more organized we could see each other more, but he's not and I'm old enough to know that if he's not NOW, he won't be. We have talked of getting married. We spend time with each other's kids...it's like a family situation and it's harder knowing that if we end our relationship we will hurt the kids, too.But it's not just his disorganization and many hours of work that's the problem. Because he is so overworked, he is edgy and angry and yells a lot. Actually, I sometimes wonder if he would be edgy and angry even if he didn't work too much. I've not known him without this kind of workload, so I have no comparison. He acts like every little problem is doomsday. Everything that happens is a HUGE problem to complain about...even if a slower driver is in front of us. He acts like it's a personal attack against him. He gets mad at me when I tell him that it's such a downer and so stressful to me to listen to constant bitching and moaning ( I don't actually SAY bitching and moaning...I am much more diplomatic about it). He calls it simple complaining. I don't feel like simple complaining goes on 24/7, or is it something that when we are on the phone I must hold the phone at arms length while he goes on and on because he's yelling so loud. Our "conversations" lately are simply lists of what we have each done today. When we are each done recounting our lists of the day, he has to go. A friend asked recently if he makes me laugh. I don't think we laugh. I don't think we have much fun. There's so much work and so many chores in his life (he seems to be a perfectionist also), and then he's so tired from all the work and chores that it's just too tiring to relax and have fun. Not to mention that we have had several arguments about how in love with sports he is. We recently went on a trip...on the way there we talked about a few things. I was telling him a few stories about some family members and people we both know. He was upset later that we didn't talk about US and OUR future but instead talked of others. I felt as though if he wanted to talk about us, he could have started that conversation. I'm not a mind reader. On the way back from our trip, we barely spoke because it was Sunday and sports were on all day. Between looking at scores (seriously every few minutes on his smart phone WHILE DRIVING) and listening to scores on the radio, he was pleased as punch the whole way back and didn't seem to mind one bit that we didn't talk of US and our relationship. I ended up driving because I couldn't stand the fact that he had his face in the scores and not on the road with me and all the kids in the car! So aggravating. I know it's silly to think this way, but my fears are being alone again, failing AGAIN at a relationship and having my friends and family think I'm a loser, the fact that he will be furious at me, hurting our kids that like each of us and each other and will miss the relationships we have built, etc. ...the usual stuff. Mostly I wish that we could just have a conversation about this and make an attempt to improve the situation. But I don't think he's that type of guy. I think he will be very angry and destroy any chance of improving the situation. We are supposed to host Thanksgiving for our families at his house. Of course I will do all of the work as he says he can't cook. We will have to cancel that as well. Any advice would be appreciated. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (1 November 2012):
 It certainly sounds like you are on different wavelengths.
As far as the trip driving home and him checking the scores -- that is clearly a guy thing and he needed some time to himself. Many guys live and die for their sports teams. It is just one of things that makes us guys who we are. From the sounds of it, he is overworked and he needed that drive home for his "me" time. (I do agree, checking scores while driving is dumb AND dangerous).
I think it is time for you and him to huddle though and talk through his work situation. There is a difference between working to live and living to work. His job sounds stressful and it is making him miserable to be with. Sometimes it takes a lot of work to be successful and if he want the finer things in life, this may be the price of admission.
At the end of the day, though, you both have to take a look at your quality of life. Is the stress and aggravation worth it? Do you value material possessions and money more than living within your means? Does he love his job and the price it comes with or is taking another job that has less stress an option.
Relationships have many ups and downs and part of what makes them successful is whether you can deal with them and work together to minimize the downs. Hopefully you can discuss with one another what his job is doing to him and whether there is a middle ground. Unfortunately, he and his workload may be something you have to accept in choosing this man.
You should take this opportunity for a little self-reflection on whether you two have good communication skills and whether you are a true priority in his life. Many driven men care more about their paycheck and careers than their love lives. If you feel that you are settling, imagine where you would fit in his life 5 or 10 years from now... if that thought makes you cringe, perhaps it is time to part ways.
Eddie
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2012): I agree with ImmortalPrincess's comments.I suggest you try to FIX the problems first, before you walk away from this. TALK to him, see if you can work it out via communication. Tell him what is wrong, how you want it fixed. See if he will at the very least compromise. He needs to know how you feel and what you are thinking. Don't assume he knows unless you have told him. (He may need anger management). If he is not willing to work on the problems with you, and you are unhappy, I believe you should leave the relationship. My children grew to love their future step-dad over four years and then I ended the relationship. They have coped fine (better than me). They trust and accept the decisions I make, even if they don't totally understand them. I would not spend any more time with a man like the man you described unless I was happy with him. If you can be HAPPY with this man.... then stay, if not, walk away. You won't be on your own forever unless you want to be.One of the BIGGEST mistakes is being with a man because you feel everyone else wants you to be with him, or leaving a man because you feel everyone else doesn't want you with him. LISTEN to YOURSELF, and MAKE your OWN decisions (someone said that to me recently, and it is one of the best pieces of advice I have ever received.)Do you love him? Are you happy? Is he 'the one' for you? How much longer do you want to spend in an unhappy situation before you finally walk away? Life is short, don't waste too much time being unhappy.
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A
female
reader, ImmortalPrincess +, writes (31 October 2012):
 Aside from the liking sports thing, your boyfriend sounds EXACTLY like my ex husband. Perfectionist, task oriented, takes everything personal, easily angered, over reacts to even the smallest of problems....
I can honestly tell you that it isn't going to get any better. This is his personality, and it isn't going to change. If you're truly not happy - and it sounds like you're not - then you really need to end the relationship.
It's exhausting having to deal with someone who's angry all the time - having to walk on egg shells because you never know what's going to set them off. Every problem, no matter how small, is blown up to be a major catastrophe. Even something as innocent as a child accidental spilling their milk, is seen as a personal insult.
Having to deal with that, day in and day out, completely wears you out. Not only emotionally, but also physically. If you married him, or even moved in with him, your friends and family are not the ones who would have to live with him.....YOU are. Worry less about what others are going to say, and more about your own happiness.
As far as your children are concerned - They're not his children, and they've only known him less then two years. Leaving him may hurt them short term, but seeing their mother miserably unhappy in this relationship, is going to have much more negative affects on them.
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