A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone. My problem is I grew up poor and I worry about money. I earn enough to pay my bills and save a bit. From time to time I have given my bf money when he needed help, and recently this has happened 2 months in a row. Plus a couple of times before. I have not made a fuss about repayment but I did remind him regularly. Now I have this big unexpected expense that has come up and I was worried I would not be able to cover it, and I asked him to help me financially if necessary. He said he would. But because I was worried I was going through bank statements and realised that although he has repayed some of the money he borrowed, the amount that he still owes me is MORE than the amount that I asked him to lend me if necessary. Should I point this out now or wait until I've paid this big bill and deal with it calmly? It is my fault for not being more structured with his repayments, so I can't press him for the money. Thanks!
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (31 October 2012):
 1. Don't lend him money in the future - it causes you stress and you obviously don't like asking for what's yours back. So not lending would be the best option for you in the future.
Secondly, sit him down show him what he own black/white on paper and tell him you actually NEED for him to pay this NOW because you have THIS bill to pay.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (31 October 2012):
1. Don't lend him money in the future - it causes you stress and you obviously don't like asking for what's yours back. So not lending would be the best option for you in the future.
Secondly, sit him down show him what he own black/white on paper and tell him you actually NEED for him to pay this NOW because you have THIS bill to pay.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (31 October 2012):
Don't wait, deal with this right now.
I'd simply tell him: "I have a big expense to cover and I need the money you owe me from the loans I gave you as soon as possible. I've calculated based on my bank statements that I loaned you [insert amount] so if you could transfer that back to me as soon as you can, I'd be really grateful because I really need it." Show him the evidence and tell him the amount of time you have to make that payment (subtract 2 or more days so you have more room).
You are entitled to your money. You may not have hunted his ass for getting it paid back, but it's still your money and unless you told him he could take it as a gift he should pay you back when you want it back. It's that simple. Don't believe for one minute that your leniency entitles him to keep the money he owes you. If that was the way it worked we'd no longer have banks. Set your foot down.
If he complains, simply tell him: "look, I loaned you the money because you were in a tight spot several times and because I had some space to do so. Now I'm in a tight spot myself I need it back, it's that simple. Are you going to deny me my own money?"
If he only has a part of it, make a payment arrangement so he can't weasel himself out.
And after all of this, DO NOT EVER loan money again, to anyone. I've loaned money to friends I thought I could trust and struggled for half a year to get it back. Suffice to say the friendship has ended. You either give it or you don't. That way no feelings get hurt and no-one gets treated unfairly. If you don't have money to spare, don't give it.
Go get what's yours!
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (31 October 2012):
 "It is my fault for not being more structured with his repayments, so I can't press him for the money"
Wrong, it is your fault for ever having given him money to begin with. Never give out loans, doesn't work. You can only give money as a gift, and only when it is not money you need in return. Always. Never loans. If he wants a loan, he can go to the bank. You're not a bank.
Did you sign documents that prove this loan? Such as you'd have to do when going to the bank for a loan? No? Big mistake. Money is money, whether you are a bank or a private person, and it should be taken seriously at all times.
Never lend out money. Ever. Give it away if you can afford it, but never lend it out. If he is incapable of taking care of himself, by himself, then that tells me he is very poor with finances, has no economic skills, and can not handle his money well. This would be the worst person to loan money to, as he will most likely not be able to pay you back. A bank wouldn't lend out money to such a person, and neither should you.
Ask him for the money, sure, but also stop giving him any. Once you get back most of it, count the rest as lost. Drop it. Then do what you need to do to fix YOUR economy, and he needs to fix HIS economy. It is not your job as a girlfriend to fix HIS economy. That is his job. Nor is it his job as your boyfriend to fix YOUR economy. That is your job, and you need to take that job more seriously.
Only if you are married should you mix relationship with finances.
So, do not bring up whatever he owes you after he's paid most of it back. He knows what he owes you, or should know what he owes you. If you weren't precise about it when you lend him the money, no paperwork was signed etc, then you can't NOW start to be precise about it and count the pennies. It'll start an argument between the two of you. This is possibly going to build resentment as well. Either you let it go and have a relationship, or you reclaim what he owes you and risk your relationship going sour over it.
Whatever you do, please STOP mixing money and relationships. They do NOT go hand in hand, only cause problems, and can put you in very difficult economic situations, such as the one you currently find yourself in. But there are also worse situations, where for example him not paying you back can result in you not being eligible for a loan at a bank in the future. This will ruin your opportunities of ever buying a house, for example. Don't be naive. Unless you are married, do not mix money and relationships. You have absolutely no guarantee that he is capable of/willing to pay you back.
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