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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:What is it really like to be a mistress? I have been propositioned by a married man I've known for 2 years. He is 24 years older than me and he really turns me on. Obviously I know this is wrong but it all just sounds amazing. Plus he's had a rocky relationship with his wife. Can anyone help me out? Is the fantasy better than the reality?
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female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (19 August 2011):
 of course he will tell you he has a rocky relationship with his wife. its the old 'my wife doesn't understand me' routine. you can't take his word for it, he is an honest man that much is obvious as he is wanting to sneak around behind his wife's back.
he probably sees you as a fresh young piece of meat. a spare vagina. everything else - companionship, emotional security, home, someone who takes care of him, maybe mother to his children is provided already - by his wife. you will just be his little treat on the side. not worth your time. affairs are wrong. simple. if he is not happy with her he should leave but he probably won't because he is comfortable where he is
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female
reader, Little Bunny +, writes (18 August 2011):
You are so young - do not become a mistress. I have been there - so here it is:You will always come last in his priorities, you feel lonely, forgotten, like garbage. You will spend your time with him hiding and sneaking. Your time with him, when you get it, will always be on the clock. Plan to spend holidays, weekends, birthdays alone. You will never be able to tell anyone about your feelings for him. He will leave you, after sharing your bed, and you will feel used and dirty. When you are troubled, he will never be there for you. You have to fit in his schedule - all the time. How are you going to feel when he is on vacation with his wife and you can't even get a weekend, or a Saturday together. And how are you going to feel if he ends up dumping you after you have wasted 2, 3, 5 or 10 years of your life - time you could have found a man of your own. Please, please save yourself the tears and anguish you are sure to feel - it is just not worth it- no matter how you feel about him.
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (9 June 2011):
Thanks for getting back to us, OP. Unfortunately your answer raised more questions than it explained things. So here we go:
Is there a specific cause for your fear of commitment? Were you hurt in the past? What exactly makes you "feel messed up"? If those are too hard to answer, you don't have to, but there has to be something that got you at this point.
Also, if you want a relationship without commitment, why pick the married man of all people? There are plenty of single guys looking for a friend-with-benefits kind of thing and if you hate commitment as much as you say you do, it should work out.
Also, does the fact he has a wife at home not bother you? Ofcourse you could argue that if it's not going to be you, he'll find someone else to cheat on her with. Unfortunately for him, it usually doesn't work that easily. Young girls willing to go along with such a thing are not as plentiful as one might imagine. He'll have quite a hard time finding someone who will do this.
Also, what exactly do you want from him? As it's obviously not love or commitment, what is it? What makes him a better pick than a single guy looking for sex?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (7 June 2011):
 Then, why can't you get casual sex and some attention from a single guy ?? Why has he have to be a marrried man ??
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMaverick: I'm not quite sure why I don't want to be important to someone else. I just feel messed up. I've always been into older men so the "over the hill" thing doesn't really bother me. I guess what one of the anonymous people said: this kind of relationship can't force me to give too much or make too much commitment. Commitment scares me to death and makes me want to run from the person.
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (7 June 2011):
Op, why don't you want to be important to someone else? Why do you think you're not worthy of love? What made you dislike yourself so much that the prospect of being a mistress to someone who is considered by most people your age to be "over the hill" seems like a fantasy? Can you answer these questions for me?
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLoveGirl: Maybe I am that type of girl. I don't know. I guess I do like to show off my body and what not but I don't think I act like a slut. I don't want love. I really don't want to be that important in someone's life. I just want attention and sex for a little while and then we go back to our lives. Isn't that messed up?
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2011): I knew one girl who had a few relationships with married men. They all ended badly. One guy cheated on her with yet *another* girl, and another other guy chose his wife. The thing is, this girl could have gotten any guy she wanted, so why did she choose to date married men? My belief is that she had issues. She did not want or felt she could not have a real intimate relationship so she actually sought out relationships with people that were necessarily limited. She knew a relationship with a married man would not force her to have to give a lot into the relationship, there would be no commitment of her part, and he could always be blamed for any failures. I bring this up not to say you are the same person, but only to suggest quite humbly that perhaps you take this opportunity before you enter into something like this to do some soul searching to determine why you actually would prefer this to a "real" relationship, which is much harder but far more satisfying. Best wishes-
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2011): My brother is about to boot his mistress out of his life: and she doesn't even know what's going to hit her. Sure he promised to end it before but can u imagine how excited he gets when she is taking care of his needs, pampering him, being at her very best, well groomed, and ever ready to please.
Imagine the mistress when she realises that her sexy wiles is no longer enough.
Bottom line: a mistress is only good enough for one thing. My brother complains that he has/had issues with his wife. My SIL is oblivious to any marital problems. She is still loving and happily married. She has no cooking clue that the mistress be lives she is the devil incarnate.
BTW OP : to me being second best: actually settling for second best shows that women think so low of themselves therefore married men proposition them. MM will only proposition women who look and act like a certain type.are u this type?
LoveGirl
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all your amazing answers. You all are right. I don't know what will happen in the future, but I will take all your advice into consideration. Thanks so much :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2011): Don't do it! I have been here before and it suck! You will have to be available when he wants and change your whole life! You might say " no I won't becuase I know what this is all about" but when he treats you nice and gives you things, majority of the case, you will fall in love and when that happens, unwillingly, you will change and adapt to this persons schedule.
You might have what you want for a while but, you will be going out in public and warning everyone else with someone nest to them while you are walking alone. During Holidays, everyone will be by their significant other, again while you are alone and when you fall in love, it will surely start hurting you. YOU WILL END UP BEING HURT!
Be ready for times when its holidays and you celebrate early or late or you get an excuse. Be ready to not go out in public for fear of being seen. Be ready to not have someone to be there when you need them the most either a death, a failure or while depressed becuase that might be the day he is on a family trip and can't answer because of course, that's his priority. So get a lot of tissue becuase you can say " no it won't happen, but I guarantee you it will becuas all of this happened to me and it does to the majority. For you to be an exception is highly unlikely.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (7 June 2011):
 I think it would be a lonely and poor life. Wife and kids get priority on his time and money. Oh and the holidays as well.
A girlfriend of mine got into a relationship with a married man. She even thought she was pregnant by him. So idiotic! He had 4 kids and a wife; she basically hung out waiting for his visits and ultimately, he wound up in tax trouble, or so he told her, with all his bank accounts and assets frozen. That was pretty much the end of the relationship. My guess is he freaked out at her possibly being pregnant and came up with a lie to get her off his back. Not surprising, if he's willing to lie to his wife, he would of course be willing to lie to his mistress.
She wasn't pregnant, it was just a scare, but it was pretty clear the guy would not have stood by her. He skedaddled pretty quickly.
I thought she was an idiot and couldn't see past the fun part of the drama to the ultimate outcome. I predicted it would end badly, and it did. I'm still friendly with her so I know what's happening in her life. Which is, on the man front, nothing. Career's okay but she basically has her pets to keep her company. I have to say, I lost a great deal of respect for her at that point and she has since wound up as a very overweight, unhappy and still single person. Pathetic is the word that comes to mind.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (7 June 2011):
I think the fantasy sucks in itself- imagine the reality.
I have never been a mistress- that's a kind of transgression that never held the smallest appeal to me, but I know several people who were. Nobody ever said it was much fun- it was more like an addiction, something painful and degrading that's difficult to let go once you are involved. Why, to me it's self explanatory . You are the "other woman ", i.e. not the main one, by definition.
At least if everybody is a free agent, you may be in competition with other women and... may the best woman win ! But with a married man, you already start behind, with having to share the man, I always thought it takes some stomach to have sex with a man knowing that in a little while he will shower, go home .. and have sex with another woman.
Oh sure, some say : we are just together for the kids, we live as brother and sister. Yeah right. Very often, it is a big fat lie. And when it's not- he is still sharing his bed and home with her, not with you. Taking his meals with her, not with you. Celebrating Christmas and other big events with her, not with you. Etc.etc.etc.
If you at least like the guy - that must bother you. And if, God forbid, you fall in love with the guy- it must be gut-wrenching.
Plus, how can you trust a cheater. Someone who routinely and skillfully misrepresents reality to his wife and family, to further his personal interests. How can you ever be sure of anythng, with a guy like that. Every promise of him can be an empty one, every thing he says to you could be said to protect his interest vs. yours. A cheater, you can't even trust him for knowing what time is it- because you know he's good at bullshitting and not squeamish about doing it.
And you call this a fantasy ? It sounds more like a nightmare to me...
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (7 June 2011):
 Yep, you will only be number two...hummm what else is called number two???? Very amazing indeed.
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (7 June 2011):
Okay, let me get this straight:
You are considering to reduce yourself to someone's dirty little secret and play to the hand of a man who is more than twice your age, knowing full well that his wife -whom he pledged love and loyalty to- is completely in the dark about this? And you're asking us if it's a good idea?
Exactly what part of the above description sounds like a 'fantasy' to you?
The fact you're asking pretty much answers your question, namely that the rational part of you is not really keen on it. Please listen to it. Other users have listed plenty of reasons why (not if) this will turn out to be a train wreck.
If you go along to become his meat trophy, you'll be letting yourself down.
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female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (7 June 2011):
 Of course he has a "rocky relationship with his wife". How else can he justify wanting to have an affair with you??!!
Being a mistress is extremely demeaning, disgusting and pathetic. You're letting yourself down for willing to settle for something as low as this. You will never command the respect which the wife does, never have the same rights. You will always be a dirty secret, hidden away. And at the end of the day, your man will go back to his "rocky relationship" and his family, and you will be left with zilch. It might seem glamorous now (to you, that is), but its not.
Dont throw away your life for this illusion. He might load you with money and jewelery and fancy holidays, but when the party's over, he'll get another young pretty face to fill your shoes. Then what do you do? Can you trust a man who betrays his wife for a fling with a young girl? Whats to say he wont have a "rocky relationship" with you soon?
I fail to understand though how being an older man's mistress is a "fantasy" for you. Its a nightmare, really.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2011): I don't know what it is like to have an affair with a married man. I have been asked to have several over the years but i have always told them to take a hike. Trust me, men like that are not uncommon, so don't feel too flattered. We have all been asked at some time or other.
Someone i know, knows what it is like to actually have an affair though.
She saw a married man for many years. He had a 'bad marriage' and was always saying he was about to leave his wife but he never did. A couple of months ago my friend grew worried because he stopped visiting and his phone was turned off. A few days later his number came up on her phone. But when she answered it was his son. He had his fathers phone. He told my friend very bluntly that his father had died suddenly and she had not been the only woman his father had been seeing. He then mentioned a very special pet name that my friend thought was private and specially for her. The son said there had been a few women with that name over the years and then he hung up.
My friend was devastated. She couldn't go to the funeral, didn't even know what he had died from. She couldn't openly grieve because no one was supposed to know she had been seeing him. And she felt angry that he had lied to her and she had not been the only woman he had cheated with. Go figure! She had to sneak to the cemetery after the funeral to leave her flowers and grieve alone.
After years of making 'plans' with my friend, he died leaving everything he owned to his wife. My friend didn't get a pin. She is ten years older than when they started their 'fling', broken down and bitter.
If you think that's all you deserve, go ahead and have an affair but remember. Once the initial buzz of illicit sex wears off. If you develop real feelings for him, you will suffer for it because he is not yours and probably never will be.
Being sloppy seconds is never good. Having a decent man of your own is what you want to aim for.
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male
reader, Odds +, writes (7 June 2011):
 How much you'll enjoy it depends on your personal capacity for guilt. If you can stomach the idea of aiding and abetting a man in betraying someone he swore loyalty to, you'll enjoy it up until the moment you realize that only 3% of mistresses ever end up marrying the guy.
Besides, how would you like it if the positions were reversed, and you were the wife?
Whether you enjoy it or not, understand that any future man who hears that you did it will instantly decide you are not LTR or wife material, regardless of any other qualities you possess.
Don't do it, you can be a better person than that. Nothing wrong with a fantasy, or being tempted, but you need to overcome it. Tell him to go fix his marriage, and maybe you'll do him and the wife a favor.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2011):
How do you know he's had a rocky relationship with his wife? Because HE told you that?
No guy in his shoes is gonna be telling you how great his marriage is and what a great person his wife is.
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female
reader, bluessy  +, writes (7 June 2011):
 Well, like you said it is wrong for you to be involved with a married man no matter how rocky he says the relationship is. Remember, there are always two sides to a story. Now all that said and done. You need to think first...How would you feel if your man cheated on you. Then ask yourself what is it that you want from this married man. A fantasy played out is no longer a fantasy. There may be all sorts of negative situations that can come from this. As well, you need to remember there is more then just the two of you in this circle. I hope this is someone you don't work with! Anyway, think about it. And, if you do it, do it because you want too, not because he wants too. Take Care!
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female
reader, kylieekristina +, writes (7 June 2011):
 What sounds so amazing about it? Is he making promises to you? Does it seem amazing that he will be having sex with you and his wife, does it seem amazing that you will be a homewrecker? or maybe it's amazing that his kids will look at you as the sleeze that took their father's time away from their family. If he's unhappy he should do something about it, not someone.....and if he's promising to take care of you or whatever at the end of the day you will always be "the other woman" not the woman which makes you number 2. I don't know what's so amazing about not being put first. You also run the risk of falling in love with him....and then what? Are you going to try and take him from his wife and kids? Do you really want that on your concience? Or the other instance you fall in love with him and he refuses to leave, and leaves you waiting or with a broken heart? No matter how hard we try we (as women) tend to catch feeling when sex is involved. Its bound to happen. If you feel that you can have sex with this man and not catch feelings don't you want to have a meaningful relationship with someone eventually? While spending your time with the married mr. wrong your mr. right may pass you by......or not give you a second look after he finds out you don't take marrige vow's very seriously. Hope I wasn't too harsh but I felt you wanted an opinion so i gave you a blunt honest one. Good luck to you whatever you deciede
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female
reader, MissTellAll +, writes (7 June 2011):
 RED FLAG
Alright, I can't answer what it's like to be a mistress, but I can say this: it HURTS to be cheated on. Put this in perspective here. What if you were his wife? How would you feel if he got some young, pretty girl to drape over his arm when you aren't around?
Basically, back OUT of this situation. I know, 'the forbidden fruit' aspect comes in here, but DON'T do it, because you know you wouldn't want the shoe on the other foot.
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reader, x3chelciemarie +, writes (7 June 2011):
 don't do it....If in fact you do end up falling for him hes not gonna leave his wife for you he just wants you for sex and if you just want him for sex do what you want but if his wife finds out there could be one big mess there you do not want to be involved in...think about this also...if you were his wife how would you feel if some girl who is 24 years younger than your husband is fu**ing him you would feel horrible...dont be the other girl this guy doesnt deserve you
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