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male
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41-50,
anonymous
writes: Alright, here's my situation...I'm a 30 year old male teacher, and I've fallen completely in love with a 17 year old female student. She has no idea how I feel as I have never, and would never, under any circumstance, act on it while she is still a student, or under the age of 18. Or, until I know that she feels the same way/would want me to act on it. She's just wrapping up her junior year, meaning she'll be a senior next year. It's going to be hard, but I willing to wait for her, and maybe try to have a relationship with her after she graduates, turns 18, etc.What I want to know, is what your opinions are on situations such as these? Do you think it would be wrong of me to date this girl once she graduates and if of age?p.s,I'm not actually her teacher for anything; just a teacher in her school. We've bonded a lot because we have similar interests in almost everything... Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2011): Dear Anonymous,
First of all, don't ever write you're a thrity year OLD teacher, because I would give away everything I own to be thirty again. But, seriously, I would at least wait for her to turn 18 before sharing any of your feelings. I can't believe I'm typing this, because it makes me feel like I'm Agony Aunt herself, but I'm a teacher myself, teaching at a University in the Netherlands, so I can at least relate.
Eighteen and thirty-one--that doesn't sound too bad, now does it? It's the teacher-student thing that's believed to be the problem. It's a taboo that's hard to get rid of. I'm sure that telling people you're a teacher who's in love with a student will make people think you're a dirty guy. I don't know why, but it's a fact. So my advice would be to wait and, should she be interested, not tell anyone how you met. Not yet.
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female
reader, AlwaysFeltRight  +, writes (21 June 2011):
You have to look at things from her side as well as yours. I believe that you should wait until she is 18. I don't believe in keeping your love for somebody a secret. If you truly love someone then NOTHING should stop you from being able to share your feelings. If this girl has given you signs that she may be interested in you then go for it, she most probably feels the same way too. At the end of it all, if you fail at least you can say you tried, it's better to know that you tried and failed rather than not tell her your feelings and forever wonder 'What if'. Although definitely wait until she is 18.
Good luck!
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female
reader, alshleyg  +, writes (16 June 2011):
If you decide to wait, know that it will not be easy. From my experience: I graduated from high school eight years ago, and found myself in a similar situation. I was in love with one of my teachers, 11 years older than me, and did not know he felt the same way. He contacted me when I was in college, and when we met up I confessed how I felt about him. He ended up telling me the same thing- but he wasn't going to tell me unless I told him first, to avoid any unnecessary awkwardness etc. We've been together for seven years and today we are both teachers and incredibly happy.What I mean to say is that it is possible, but I do recommend you wait for her to make a move- she will if she's interested, otherwise you have no way of knowing how she's going to react.Good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2011): I work in a school where a teacher started dating a former student when she was 18. He is still with her after a year and half. He is a few years younger than you. This girl was very mature and had a very sensible head on her shoulders.
This was big talk in the school with staff and students. I know most of the staff thought it was morally wrong, me included. I know he had to have a meeting with the head teacher too. Of course it blew over but staff still do mention this from time to time.
You are grooming this girl, she is only 17 with her whole life to lead what makes you think she is even interested in you. Cerebus, is so right in everything he has said. You want to read his response carefully and take notice of what he is saying to you.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2011): I think morally socially this is wrong in my honest opinion. So I think it begs the question is waiting one year going to make everything all right. I would say no. Let's say against all odds that she felt the same way for you hypothetical mind you. What do you think the parents were going to say when they find out Or anybody for that matter? What is this going to do to you and your career? this is not love this is lust/loneliness.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2011): As long as you wait until she is no longer a student and a consenting adult, it is not ethically or morally wrong. It may look wrong, but there have been times where it felt right between the two parties. It is possible for a teacher and a student to be happy together although it definitely doesn't happen often. I've done enough research to know a lot of married couples with a big age gap, whether they share a past teacher/student relationship or not, work out. Two people who just so happen to meet in a classroom setting may have a future together if they are compatible. It might be best though to make sure that she feels the same towards you when the time comes. Best of luck!
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female
reader, ArtsyGirl +, writes (11 June 2011):
As long as you do not try to start one before she is 18 and before she graduates then it is fine. It is not illegal. Some people might see it as wrong, but I don't. I have a very attractive female teacher that might someday marry one of her students because she is very young(24)So yes, as long as you wait till she is 18 AND graduated then fine, just don't stalk her or force her into anything.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2011): So let me get this straight, you're grooming a girl in your school and you're asking us if that's okay?
No it's not and yes you are grooming her.
I'm 1 year away from qualifying to be teacher and both you and I know what you're doing is completely wrong. You cannot get that close to your students. You have absolutely no reason to be close to this one either because she's no even in your class.
I don't know what country you're in but here in Ireland dating former students is reason for you be fired and your teaching license revoked.
Nothing about what you're doing is right, this isn't some kind of romantic game, this is a 17 year old in your care and the care of your school and you're using your status there to groom her. If you were a teacher in my school I'd report you in an instant, you're not allowed develop these kind of interpersonal relationships with your students, it effects your ability to teach and it makes you a liability because you have a proven tendency to be sexually attracted to your students and act on it. You represent a very real danger to them because you have no problem abusing your position to get close enough to them to develop feelings.
I was recently on teaching practice in a girls school, I'm a man and will freely admit that there were some students that were quite attractive for their age but as any responsible teacher would do I ensured any contact with them was minimal and business only.
You've crossed a line OP, now either take a step back and put a stop to this or be prepared for the shitstorm to develop that will ruin your career. Because frankly teenage girls talk and another year of you grooming her represents a massive risk to your career. One which you don't sound very suited at anyway because you can't keep your feelings in check and you actively engage in grooming your pupils.
OP the posters here that say there's nothing wrong with it if you wait are wrong, you and I both know that. This isn't a case of you meeting one of your former students a couple of years after they left and it clicking, this is you actively grooming and pursuing a girl that is still a student. If there was nothing wrong with that then you wouldn't even need to be here posing this question.
Go speak to the principle of your school and ask then for advice on this situation, you wouldn't even dream of doing that would you? Why not? That's right because they'd suspend you pending a review including talking to the student and their parents. A good default as a teacher on whether something is right or not is to always think whether you could speak openly about the situation with the principle or other teachers. If you can't then it's wrong.
Honestly the idea that another teacher would do what you're doing and pass it off as some kind of romance disgusts me. "I have so much in common with her, we get on so well" "I'm willing to wait another year but in the meantime I'm going to continue to be her friend and confidant"
The idea that another teacher given the same kind of responsibility as me would use that to seduce a pupil for another year, jeopardizing not only your own career but putting this girl in a position that may well ruin her education, that's too much OP. If you back off now, if you understand that you've made a mistake and you shouldn't have let things get this far then I can live with that. it can happen and if you take responsibility and put her future ahead of your romantic urges and stay away from her then fine. if you continue to groom her this way then I think you need to leave that school and not teach again.
You're only human and feelings are something that can pop up put of nowhere but you don't have the luxury of letting that happen OP, you have a responsibility to no let that happen. So either let this go, learn the lessons from it and not let it happen again. Or spend another year grooming her, developing feelings and go through the heartbreak of this not working and possibly losing your job because of it.
If you're lonely OP then get out there and date. Find yourself a woman and stop grooming little girls.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2011): I do see something wrong with that. Her parents will freak out. Do you want kids or a family? If you do get together, she's not going to want to have kids until she's older. She most likely wants to see the world. And lets say you open up and she just thought of you as a nice teacher. Do you have any idea how freaked out she would be? And most girls like to play with people their own age, just saying. And do you know how long you'll have to wait? More than a few years. She would still be creeped out if you asked her out in college.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2011): Love never has an age unless it is legal .. and if you are willing to wait till she is out of school .. then fine and since you dont teacher then why not? Do you think this girl may like you ? besides that i dont see anything wrong .. i dont get why people get so weird about students dating teachers(though i think the student must be over18) its stupid .. your only human ..you can fall inlove with how ever you want! Good luck!
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reader, bittersweetmemory  +, writes (11 June 2011):
 don't wait for her..it's useless..it's not that it's morally wrong to date a student once she graduated but i don't think it's worth it..age difference and everything will cause troubles and i don't think it would be worth waiting for her one more year just to see it's not working out
it's just how i see it..she's young, she wants to have a life, have fun ( not necessarily partying or anything but fun in general) she will mingle with people her age maybe she will go to university...i just try to say that wasting one year for something so uncertain is not a good idea..
try to move on if possible :)
good luck
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female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (11 June 2011):
 Ok, from one teacher to another - you know this is wrong. You know the consequences if anything were to happen.
You are 30 years old - what do you actually have in common with a 17 year old? Really? Apart from a few hobbies?
Have you seen how these girls behave, what they are interested in? You are from a different generation to these children - and she is still a child.
You have lived, been to college, studied, partied, and experienced life. She still has a lot to learn about real life, and as she is not yet even an adult, she still doesnt know what being an adult is all about.
Think how you were at 17/18, what did you want from life? How did you think? What did you actually know about reality? Responsibility? How naive were you?
Now apply this to her - do you really want to date someone like that?
IF you were to form a relationship with this girl, you would hold her back. Deep down you know that. She wants to go and learn, explore and grow into a young adult. By dating you, she would miss out on this vital growing experience, and would probably grow to resent you.
Be the professional here, leave well alone. Careers have been ruined for less than this.
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female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (11 June 2011):
 I agree you need to wait until she's an adult...if you don't, then you could find yourself in some very hot water.
Best to wait.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2011): Dude, my answer is NO, plain and simple. 17yo girls are absolutely crazy and unpredictable. Not to mention the gossip that's about to start... Her parents will think you seduced her and your reputation will be shot. Don't even go there.
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reader, oneguy +, writes (11 June 2011):
 I'm not sure if she'll actually feel like your soulmate my friend.. Just take it easy and don't feel too bad if she doesn't accept you. You sound like a very chivalrous man. I wish she loves you too.
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female
reader, MissTellAll +, writes (11 June 2011):
 After she is 18 and no longer a student you have nothing really holding you back. Go for it :) Good luck!
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (11 June 2011):
 After she's graduated from school and is over 18, there's nothing ethically or morally wrong from you pursuing her romanticly, as long as you both are free and single. If you're married or have a girlfriend, no cheating!
But nope, nothing wrong with it. Good for you for holding off while she's still a student!
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