A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi.It will be hard, but I will try to make it short: I am married for 4 years (total relationship 9 years), 7 months pregnant and for more then 1 year crazy in love with a 4 year younger guy from work. We never even kissed, but I know we had a special connection. He knows of my feelings but he never totally shared his. Two of my friends know him and think he liked me but that he wanted to protect himself since I am married. He once wrote me that before he met me he never felt himself and never felt free and with me he felt himself and free like with no other woman, including all his ex girlfriends. And that he was flattered that such a beautiful, smart and nice person like me would have feelings for him. What is sad is that I started thinking about him unexpectedly, right after I decided to become pregnant from my husband. Then I first contacted him anonymously in a desperate tentative to know if there was any chance while I would still have time to avoid pregnancy and leave my husband. But he had just started a relationship by that time. So I proceeded with my plans.Eventually he found out I was the one who wrote him, broke up with his girlfriend and we got really close. My relationship with my husband which in the beginning was pretty good (best relationship I ever had), was deteriorated after I wanted to come to another country due to a dreamy job proposal. It was really hard for him to leave his family, including a child, friends and be many years unemployed in a strange country. I can understand why he blamed me for his suffering and started to treat me in a very critical way, making me feel the worst of the persons. But understanding doesn't mean it was easy to live this way. During those years, I thought many times on leaving him, but it wouldn't be fair to leave him unemployed, after all the sacrifices he did for me. To make such a decision, I needed to wait till we get a normal life again, meaning, he being employed and adapted to the country. Thank god, in the last year he finally found a good job and our relationship improved a little. Still, while with the guy of work I felt pretty, smart and good person, my own husband made me feel that I wasn't. Eventually he felt I was in love with someone else and I confessed. But he was really comprehensive and started to be nice again. He asked me to keep a distance from the person, but I couldn’t do it. When I found out I was pregnant, I panic and tried to do it. I thought the work guy wouldn’t care, because he never seemed to feel something strong for me. For my surprise he was really upset. So I couldn’t do it. Things with my husband started to get worse and we thought that maybe we should divorce and do an abortion while it was early. I decided to talk to the guy at work to help me with a decision, but he wouldn’t compromise. I asked him what he felt for me and he said he didn’t know, he was afraid that he wanted me like a child wants a toy and then after he gets it he doesn't want anymore. Then I decided to keep the child, I just couldn’t kill a child! When I wrote him my decision he said it was wise, regardless of his feelings and that “maybe he didn’t want to tell me how he felt not to encourage me to do something we would both regret”. We got a little distant, but then we started to get close again and 2 months ago, I asked him again what he felt and he said he didn’t want to answer to this question, that maybe he didn’t want to answer it to himself. I said, please answer yes or no. He said it is not simple. Then I said, so it is not totally “no”. He answered: but it is not totally “yes”. As an outcome of this conversation I told him for the second time I needed to be away from him, because it was really hard. This time he didn't seem to care that much. I think he is tired of me or maybe despises me or hates me. During one month we got really distant. In the last month we got a little closer, because I pushed it, but I am afraid I lost him forever. He comes sometimes when I invite him for tea or food at work, but he never invites me. I ask him tramp sometimes and he gives me but he never offers me. I am afraid he lets me be in his company because he is too nice to hurt me and because he has pity on me, not because he enjoys or needs my company like I need his. In 2 months I am going to be a mother. I will take 6 months vacation, so I will be far from him and I hope it will help me forget about him. So the question is: What can I do to love my husband again and at the same time not to loose my dear friend? How can I be a good mother if most of the time all I think of is my need to be around this man? Will I love him forever, if I have to see him everyday? Even when he doesn’t care anymore? These feelings are so painful that I wish I could die sometimes. But I can’t because my daughter needs me. I just have to be patient and wait for it to pass. I am seeing a psychologist. All I want is to love my husband as I used to, be a good mother and that my dear friend will find a nice girl that will love him the way I would have if I could. And I want not to feel jealous about it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2013): I am the woman who posted the original question. Some people wanted to know what happened. 6 years passed. I have 2 beautiful daughters that I love more than anything in the world. I helped my friend go back to that girlfriend I mentioned (she also became my friend), they got married and they have a beautiful girl. She knows I had feelings for him and still wants to be my friend. It is hard sometimes when she tells me too much stuff I don't need to know, such as she was depressed in her pregnancy just like me, they almost divorced after their daughter was born and worst, she also has feelings for another man! She even told me they made their daughter on my birthday, intersting spiritual coincidence :). My family moved to another country for 2 years and 4 months due to my work, and it was the best time of our lives, I loved my husband again because he was happy again. Now we are back to the original country and my friend and his family are the ones moving to the other country for 2 years. I thought I was over him during our time abroad. When I came back I could easily keep a distance, even though he would approach me. But when I found out he was living for 2 years, I was so sad that I finally realized that those feelings will never really go away. The next 2 months are going to be tough, I can see him everyday and I am already suffering for his next abcense, sometimes, like tonight I can't even sleep or eat. Other times, I can come to work and not even bother to come close to him and really be productive and concentrate at work. But I am not too worried, I know I will have 2 great years again. My conclusions are: -The distance definetively helps to concentrate on the relationship with my husband. -The other guy played with my feelings, either he lied when he acted like he had feelings, or when he did not admit he had them.-Regardless, the feelings for the other guy will never really end, but motherhood and time brought me enough maturity to control what do I do about those feelings. I accept them, and do my best not to let them interfere with my relationship with the other loves of my life: my husband and my girls. My friend is not a priority anymore, my family is.-The book, "The art of happiness" helped me get back control of life and better act despite unwanted thoughts.Life seems like a movie sometimes. We need to be happy with what we have, invest our energies in the things we can control/change and avoid thinking too much on those we can't.Hope that helps anyone in a similar situation.
A
female
reader, august10  +, writes (10 August 2010):
HI
I know I am kinda late, but I just was wondering...R u happy? Did you learn how to be in love with your husband again?
My situation some what similar to it. I really want to have thoses love feelings towards my husband again!!i just dont know how
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A
female
reader, samehere +, writes (5 January 2010):
 I know you've posted this a long time ago. However, I just managed to come across it. I know how hard it has been and I'm very interested to know the turnout now. Could you please update me? Thanks
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A
female
reader, samehere +, writes (5 January 2010):
I know you've posted this a long time ago. However, I just managed to come across it. I know how hard it has been and I'm very interested to know the turnout now. Could you please update me? Thanks
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 September 2008): Hi.
I am the woman who posted the question. In case someone wants to know what happened, I am writing again. I have a beautiful and sweet daughter. She helped me to approach my husband. I got distant from my friend but we still have contact. We speak with a little frequency but I know I can't count on him whenever I get depressed and need someone to talk. He always listen to me. Knowing that is enough to comfort me and my obsession diminished. He is a good friend and I stopped expecting more than that. Now he is back to that girl he left when we started flirting. I became her friend druring this 2 years and I pushed them to be back together. Sometimes it is hard because she tells me too many details that I really shouldn't be hearing, but overall I am very happy for them. I love them both. I think I will love him forever but I now accept that he is not my destiny and I am really motivated to invest in building a loving home with my daughter and my husband that I also love and I am getting results.
Thanks everyone.
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A
female
reader, Karen_62385 +, writes (17 September 2008):
Your dear friend may not be as dear as your think. You were unavailable to him for the most part, as far as a real relationship goes. You were married and now have a child on the way. I just got over a "dear" friend situation (3 years)that I thought I was in love with. When I was willing to leave my husband of 24 years to be with him all of a sudden I think he went "ut-oh" this isn't fun anymore. I almost lost everything (my kids, my husband, my home, my job) Be real careful. If your husband isn't right for you-get out-be alone for a while, something tells me that if your "dear" friend might think your availabe, you just may no longer have a such a good friend. If you want to keep you husband then you need to lose this person that you feel is such a dear friend. I don't know your whole situation, I only know that you can't move forward if you have feelings for someone else. Friend is a very good term to use when you can't admit there maybe more to the feelings.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2008): I just want to say I feel for you sooooooo much.
I am experiencing a similar situation and it is so painful. Thank you for sharing. I cannot add anything now...but just wanted to thank you for your honesty and let you know that you are not alone xxx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2007): I think there must be a communication problem when women are in this situation..I too have felt this way and gotten to the point where I was going to leave my husband but the other guy (who had a girlfriend) couldn't believe I would stay with him. After looking back I certain I didn't love him. But he was giving me something my husband only gave me in the past..I tried to take with him over and over but it started to seem like I was getting on his nerves. this guy ws 5 years younger than I was. I felt like a women with him (although nothing sexual ever happened). I started feeling alive. Not just a wife or mother...But I told my husband..he was so hurt and honsetly I was surprised by his reaction, he was crying. I told him I really thought he would be greatful. But things got better for awhile but I find myself thinking about this guy..
I think because I really dont have any girlfriends I fell kind of lonely sometimes..but I'm glad to see ther or others....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2007): Hello, it's me again, the woman in your situation,
I only just got the chance to check this site again, and was very glad to read your reply. It is strange, but just knowing that I am not the only one with this problem is comforting, even though it doesn't take the problem away.
I understand what you mean about wanting to stay friends and still be close to the guy in future. It is difficult to say if this will be possible - it certainly won't be easy. You might be successful, though, because (a) you have controlled yourself for this long and (b) your passions might fade over time, particularly when your new baby arrives.
I know I will stay in touch with my colleague at least whilst we are in the same Company. But if we stay friends my fear is how I will feel if he finds someone else. Realistically I can't expect him to wait forever for me, as I am married and don't intend to be unfaithful.
It helped me to hear your advice about how to 'cooldown your passion' by internalising that the guy doesn't feel the same. I agree that can help. Maybe you're right that my work colleauge doesn't like me enough - I mean it is pretty clear from his behaviour that he does like me, but maybe not enough to tempt him into an affair with a married woman.
Interestingly, I also find that the qualities I find attractive in my work colleague are similar to in my husband. My husband met him once, and even said 'he's a bit like me, his sense of humour and the way he gets on with things'.
For this reason I think your advice is sensible about imagining the opposite situation - if I were married to the colleague maybe I would fall in love with my husband again if I met him for the first time.
As you say, time is a great healer. Lets hope and pray that in time we both find the answer to this situation.
good luck and take care of yourself first, and your little baby when it arrives.
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (14 February 2007):
 One of the things you might reconsider is this. You can not worry about future feelings for the other guy. You ARE fooling yourself. Your desire to know, wonder or be concerned about him are based on your attraction to him. You must admit that to yourself. You've already spent too much time talking and creating an emotional bond with this guy.
That was the beginnig of your slide towards temptation. Why were you making promised to him about forever friendship etc? The answer is this, you were looking for something that was lacking in your marriage. That is common. We often give ourselves more credit than we deserve about our ability to maintain an appropriate distance from these people. This is obviously a moral issue for you or it wouldn't bother you. It is a form of adultry. He can not be you "buddy" You cn't put the genie back in the bottle. You must understand this to save your marriage.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2007): Dear woman in my situation:
Thank you so much for your kind words. I really understand what you feel, the guilty feelings, etc. We both know that the best thing that would happen to us would be to forget about the other guy. You understood that my question was not: whom should I choose. I already chose my husband. The question is: how to forget this guy and be happy with my husband. And also, it may sound crazy, but I would like to also be able to be there for this guy if he needs my support. What I feel for him is more than passion, I care very much for him. I can leave with the fact that we will never have any romance, but it is hard to think that he will not update me with what’s going on in his life and that I will not update him with what’s going on in mine. I really want to always be there for him as a friend as I once promised him. So there are 2 problems: I want not to feel passion for him, but I still want to be his friend once passion is gone and I want to feel that I can be happy with my husband, without the sensation that something is missing and that we both are miserable. In my case, the only thing that helps me to sometimes cooldown my passion is to internalize that the guy doesn't feel the same. Also, I started to like him because he has the same qualities that drew me to my husband, but somehow my husband is different now. But I know he can be again the man I felt in love with. So, in your case, try to be sure if the work guy likes you enough. Maybe he doesn’t and it is comfortable for him to have this relation with you with no compromise. And try to think on the opposite situation. Suppose you were married to this guy and after many years you would meet with your husband. Wouldn’t you fall in love with him too? I bet you would. Last thing, the distance I already created between us, helps a little. Try to do the same, as hard as it may be. With time everything will be easier. Time heals everything.
I wish you all the best. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2007): Dear writer,
I have so much sympathy for you, because I am in a similar situation. I have been married for 3 years, together for 10, my husband is a nice guy, he sometimes forgets to notice me, thats all. We have a 2 year old son. For about 15 months I have had a crush on a colleague - I've never told the colleague but I'm sure he knows because of the way we talk and flirt. He pays me attention and listens to me and makes me feel attractive. Nothing has ever happened between us, but I feel terrible, guilty all the time although I never did anything. When I see him , or hear his voice, my heart does somersaults, being close by him is magic.....
I don't have the answer to your question, if I did I wouldn't be here, but I want to let you know that you are not alone, and that I also would love to know how to forget this other guy and just be a good wife....
Of course you know you mustn't have an affair with the younger guy, your friend, but your problem is that you don't know how to forget him. I do think the 6 months away on maternity leave might help you a little, but I'm not sure it will completely resolve your problem. Oscar Wilde wrote something like... the only way to overcome a temptation is to succumb to it....
For me, the only answer seems to be to live with the pain, and hope that eventually in time the answer comes to me. Try to take as much pleasure as you can in your new baby, and work on your relationship with your husband, and be grateful that you haven't worse worries on your shoulders. I know it isn't easy, and if you find a better answer, then post it here so I can share it!
good luck x x x
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A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (9 February 2007):
I advise you to get this "friend" out of your circle of people you see on a daily basis. He is NOT someone you can go to for advice. If you think back, I'll bet you used to confide things with him, concerning your marriage. Sometimes we let our guard down and go in the wrong direction.
If there were issues in your marriage that were not good you should have focused your attention on those things first. Instead you went for the warm feelings of a new man. While that is understandable, your priorities were out of order. Your husband can't fight an enemy he doesn't know exists. You could try to justify it by saying he knew you were unhappy or wanted change, but it doesn't justify your actions. You see, you know in your heart that this man can't just be a friend. He can't because if you were only interested in a friendship, there wouldn't be a problem. You wouldn't be asking for advice. You need to realize that.
This doesn't make you bad or abnormal. The feelings you have are common. It happens all the time. Marriage doesn't mean we cease to exist and our feelings or thoughts shut down. That's just in Hollywood movies. Marriage means you have an agreement or arrangement, based on love and respect. You agree to not act on feelings you might have in the future, you agree to focus the bulk of your affection on your partner. You WILL meet others you connect with and feel attracted to. That is a FACT. The problem is this, we get bored at home and let ourselves slide into temptation.
You see, these are powerful feelings. They are the basis of what makes us tick. A relationship is a mental decision. That is why we can remarry after death of a spouse, divorce etc. Because, we are capable of loving another. Love is not something you're given once and if you use it all, it's gone. We're always capable of love.
This is an important question. You were in love with your husband. You now have feelings for another man. What will you do if you leave you husband, go with the other man and then...develop feelings for a third man? This is possible, why not? It happened once. That is why, love is a commitment. When we get bored and lonely, we have to WORK at it, not take the easy way. If you're stuck with a partner who is not willing to work at it, you have to make a choice. You MUST put your feelings on the table, make a plan, and work at it. If you go for the other guy before you really try, it's all your fault. People, often, do things backwards, find a new mate first, then leave the old one. There is NO integrity in that scenario. Try to remember what drew you to your husband in the first place.
Good Luck.
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A
female
reader, Tanyas247 +, writes (9 February 2007):
 This is a hard time for you, it seems. It sounds like you are feeling your husband doesn't act the way he used to, and doesn't appreciate you, and it might be pushing you away. When home is not happy, we are all human and will look for happiness on our own.. sometimes in a way that ultimately only hurts us.
I think you did a great thing in telling your husband the truth about your feelings. Does your husband know that you feel he doesn't appreciate you? I wonder if maybe you two need to open up more. Even if your marriage does not work out, you will have a child together and will hopefully remain friends. In such a delicate situation, being 7 months pregnant, consider a few things:
- The feelings you have for this young man are loving, but insecure. You might regret splitting your family just to try to be his girlfriend, and he doesn't seem to be stable enough for your coming child.
- Once the baby arrives, you will want things to be comfortable and calm at such a special time. Maybe it is important to talk to your husband about the future. Talk to him about how you want to raise your child. I think if you do this, it might remind you of why you got together, and give you more of a family feeling. Let him know what you want from him as a father (changing diapers, reading stories, waking up at night) and keep up the honesty.
- Last, consider what is most important to you. Sometimes resting with your eyes closed, thinking about this question, can bring you the answers naturally. This should be a calm, collective time for you to prepare for a big change. It will likely be a wonderful experience, and hopefully things will be calm enough for you to enjoy it completely.
I wish you all the best, and think you are brave to confront these things. You are brave to tell your husband. And you are brave for wanting to find a way to really work it out and be in love again. The young man provides excitement at a hard time with your husband, but that is all. He will not provide you will the love and care that your husband might. Invest your time into your husband as you prepare for your baby. Rent movies, have tea, and find ways to laugh more.
You two are about to be blessed, and I hope you can find a strong love again with this blessing.
Best Wishes,
Tanya
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A
male
reader, vtac +, writes (9 February 2007):
always try to work things out nothing is worth losing your family over
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2007): Thanks Eve.
But how can I love my husband again, if I can't get this guy out of my head even knowing he doesn't want me? I see him almost everyday! Just the sensation that he may have passed near me, makes me blush and my heart beat faster. Whenever he accepts an invitation of mine, I go to heaven just for the thoughts that I will be close to him for a short moment. Do you think my vacation and my baby will help me forget about him?
Also, everytime my husband makes me feel unapreciated it is hard. How can I make him show appreciation, as the guy of the work used to?
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A
female
reader, AskEve  +, writes (9 February 2007):
 You need to forget about this friend and try and make a go of it with your husband. The friend isn't even crazy on you, he's lukewarm, in other words he likes you, yes but he's not wanting anything serious with you... and you'd risk that for your marriage?
I advise you to continue seeing your Counsellor and listen to their advice. You have no future with this man. Make a go of it with your poor husband, he cares for you so much and you have a beautiful baby on the way. Don't throw all that away for a man who has no intentions of being with you (especially as you are carrying a baby that's not even his!)
Eve
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