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male
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anonymous
writes: I am in my 40s and have been married for 26 years. During this time i have had a number of affairs but now i have found a woman i have been in a relationship with for over 3 years. My wife has poor health and I have work related ties. I have explained this to my love but her enthusiasm for sex or even sexual talk is dwindling. I am able to get away and spend overnight visits with my love maybe one or 2 nights every couple of weeks. I dont want to lose her but have explained i cant give her my full time attention. She is divorced and lives on her own. I think she expects more from me but i just cant offer her more than a night or two whenever i can get away. Why is she losing interest in sex and what can i do to keep her interest alive.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, WillI  +, writes (12 February 2011):
These women who have answered, really are pathetic and insecure. All they do is judge rather than help. Mistresses are widespread and the reality of these relationships are really beneficial to al - but just need working at. Treat your mistress like a girlfriend, sure the sex is important but you need to make sure she feels valued and that you are in itfor the long term. Just about every French husband has a mistress and the wife thinks there is something deeply wrong if he doesn't. Don't listen to these uptight and out of date women, they probably don't take proper care of their husbands anyway.
Treat your mistress well and take time to enjoy what you can give each other. Make her feel valued and special and the sex will come very naturally and in abundance. Good luck!
A
female
reader, bicknelll +, writes (1 February 2008):
you know what it's men like you that lead women to depression, suicide, break downs. its awful. have you got no control? if you do not love your wife, divorce so she can go an get a life instead of spending it with some low, dirty, scratty cheat! hope my advice helps. o...and don't cheat, trust me, a womans main rule of life is 'don't get mad...get even.'
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2007): Unless she's an idiot, she knows what she has; unless she's an idiot, she knows what she wants, so, ask her!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2007): Unfortunately, we women are not able to "have sex for the sake of sex" without becoming emotionally bonded to the one we are sharing our bodies, our thoughts, our feelings, our selves with. We women are more emotionally oriented which is a very good and strong trait that I am grateful to own.
Unfortunately, your Mistress could not separate the two and now suffers from a broken heart. I am sure she did not fall in love with you because you have only had physcial contact with. I am sure you did your all to make her fall in love with you.
Weither you deem it fair or not, you loving her, speaking words of love to her and devotion, sharing yourself with her is a means for a woman to believe that she means something to you, and that if you professed love-love means that you would be doing your all to be with her.
I say you have mislead this poor woman for all these years and she is sad, angry, hurt, scared, lonely, in need and you selfishly used her and now are telling her that she should just accept the fact that your WORDS have been proven to be all a LIE because your ACTIONS have not proven you are a man to be trusted.
You have demonstrated to her that you are not a man of integrity and this will begin to turn her off from you-she deserves better and you know it.
No matter what we tell ourselves-there is no excuse-NONE, for stepping outside the bonds of marriage.
No matter what we tell ourselves-there is no escaping that being intimate with someone for more than a night can be devasting as sexual intamacy between a man and woman holds the promise of love and fidelity. It is about honoring and revering another.
How do you keep your Mistress in love with you?
Or how do you keep a beautiful, gentle, trusting, loving woman to keep letting herself be used by your selfish, lustful sexual appetite?
Show some repsect and honor for once and do the right thing.
You know what it is.
Restitution will be hard on this one for either woman.
I pity you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2007): Most of the Aunts below are right on the money. First, let me say that 'most humans' are capable of developing strong feelings of attraction for others outside of their marriage. The important thing is that we don't feed extramarital passion through covert or irresponsible behavior. What I'm trying to communicate is that infatuation passion is frequent but relatively cheap. Your mistress could be fed up. She could be losing interest because you are not offering her anything of emotional and material substance. No commitment, nothing long-term, no promises. Sadly, this is life for awoman who chooses to boink other woman's husbands. Her distrust in you sounds well-founded since having an affair with her is based only on multiple lies and deception evolving involving her life and her feelings.. Perhaps she never thought this affir would go this far so she accepted it as is, in the beginning. But it's plain to see that heartfelt emotions of attachment have become a huge, huge part of all this. She knows now, that a person's integrity does not change quickly and with 3 years of being your mistress and no divorce in sight perhaps she's thinking. there will not be any changes at all. In other words, perhaps her 'respect for you' is shaken therefore the intimacy is taking a slam. The loss of sexual desire after a long term relationship is a common phenomenon and it is more likely related to her sedentary role within this extra marital affair. I mean, she's there at your beck and call, she can't enjoy special holidays with you, she can't tell the world she loves you, she can't build a solid life and future with you. She is your little secret..hidden away and she is only given bits and pieces of your time. How self-involved can you be, not to see this? Have you not considered these aspects? She feels underpowered. So perhaps these changes may have resulted, in her experiencing some loss of autonomy in this relationship and she's emotionally and physically withdrawing from you. It's likely because she feels of no value to you. I suggest you end one of these relationships and work fully and completely commit to the one you truely want. Make sure to do it cleanly because although you think, it's nice to have it both ways, you can't. You need to be undistracted by any third party whenever you work on a love relationship of any kind.. Good luck in your decision
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2007): O.K. so they all have their opinion, it's now what you asked for. I wonder how much time you spend with your mistress? And what do you do with her besides wanting sex? Do you still take her for long walks and hold hands, (hoping nobody sees you that you know)? Do you still ask her about her life and who she is and what she wants? Do you still care about her, not just her body? That my friend is how you can possibly keep her interested in you longer. You must care about her and pamper her and hold her and most of all talk with her, hang out. If all you do is show up at her door ready for action, it's kind of a bummer for her. If you don't care about her that much, I'm not being cold just be honest with yourself, then move on. She is in a tough, precarious, lonely position and she needs love too. Do you still buy her presents with your heart? Or is it all about sex. If it is, then be honest and find someone who can give you just that. But be kind to your mistress, she deserves it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 November 2006): Pal, if your only worry is about sex, forget this woman. There are plenty of others available to take her place. And if you can afford it, a prostitute would be much more suitable and demmand much less from you.
But if this is not your only concern, then you should really review where and with which one you want to be regarding your emotional life.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (4 February 2006):
 You poor, poor thing, nothing is more tragic than a mistress that won't put out; I mean that's her job for crying out loud. Well I guess you'll just have to rustle up a new one. So much to do so little time.
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A
female
reader, fairyangel  +, writes (4 February 2006):
 Your mistress has no life with you... you are not offering her anything for her future and I think , quite honestly, she has grown tired of being your sex slave, being available for you when it suits you.
She has in all likelyhood, caught a wake- up and realised she has no future with you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2006): ONW, I hope you don't listen to these nasty-women putting you down: They are terribly threatened by you and your situation, because they would never want to be like your wife. The problem with their responses, is that they are reacting to their own fears, and not doing very much to HELP you, which is why you bothered to write this question.In order to help you, judgements have to be set-aside, and I think a lot more information is necessary. The first questions I would ask are why, exactly, have you chosed to keep mistresses instead of divorcing your wife? Possibly your reason for staying married 20-years ago is different today? I would also ask if you know exactly what your current mistress really WANTS? Does she want to leave the friendship entirely, or does she just not want to have sex anymore and therefore stop considering herself a "mistress"?Lastly, what is it that YOU want exactly? Is it really possible and realistic? Just because you WANT something, doesn't mean it's possible..Hopefully you'll answer these questions and get real value from this forum. Just ignore these angry women - the "reality" is: 50% of men AND women cheat on their spouses. It's definitely a GOOD thing to bring it out of hiding and discuss it in a "safe" forum such as this.In any event, good luck.-A Woman Who Understands
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2006): Well all I have to say to you is what are you thinking?It's bad enough your cheating but you are considering spending more time with this person you aren't even married to.All you're worried about is how to keep this woman so you can have sex whenever you feel like calling. You are the kind of man that give men a bad name.Not all men are discusting pigs.I hope you're little mistress dumps you.And then,I hope someone tells your wife and she leaves you too.
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A
female
reader, lizabeth +, writes (8 January 2006):
im helping you for a reason and its only because i know that this will come back on you. you are a disgrace to the male species and should realise what you've got. anyway but its what i'm here for, maybe you should spice up your sexlife with this woman and try new things. maybe shes realising that she wants a relationship with you instead of just "booty calls." or maybe shes bored with the same guy or as i sed the same sex over and over again. suggest other activities to her and sexual games to her. but before that try and realise what you have at home. many parents have broken up due to cheating and your mistress will be known as a homewreker and you will be known as a "pig" and i promise your wife will find out or on some level she already knows.
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A
reader, Ellen +, writes (8 January 2006):
aside from making the realtionship honost, i would say there is nothing you can do. best thing you can do for her is leave her alone.
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A
female
reader, shania +, writes (8 January 2006):
 The reason your mistress is losing interest in sex is because after 3 years you have made no commitment to her,you run back to your wife and you are using your work ties as a smoke screen.You cant love this woman enough because you would of been with her full time.Married men who have mistresses come out with all the excuses under the sun,you are probably fond of this woman but all you have got to offer her is sex,and now that isnt good enough,im afraid you are going to lose her because eventually she will become so frustrated with you that she will look else where and could you really blame her? Let her go and meet someone who will give her what she needs.Your wife is the innocent victim here,she has bad health so you think its your duty to look after her but do you really love her? Are you missing the sexual side of your relationship with your wife that you look else where for it? If you do love your wife then there is no reason why you cant restore your love life with her,theres self help books,videos even sex therapists,to get back that love you had for your wife in thr 1st place.Its up to you because the way you are going,you could end up losing everything.
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A
female
reader, auntie jo +, writes (8 January 2006):
U disgust me to be honest wiv u. Perhaps this women has realised how wrong this relationship is she cant trust u as the whole relationship is based on lies, and trust is the main ingredient for a healthy relationship. If u want this women so much why not be truthful with your wife, because i tell u now she will no something is going on. U cant carry on having your cake and eating it, karma will get u. Like they say wot goes around comes around
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A
female
reader, Seratuki +, writes (8 January 2006):
 Well...
I don't want to say anything I shouldn't, but I couldn't simply say nothing, so here goes....
First off, you're an adult in your 40's, you're cheating on your wife of 26 years? thats horrid! you should know better. Cheating is wrong at ANY TIME or ANY AGE!!!
You married your wife in SICKNESS AND HEALTH!!
Purhaps your mistress is coming to realize that being with a married man is wrong and in turn she's turned off by you.
She SHOULD want more, what woman wants to be around just when her guy can sneak away?!
The fact that your wifes health is poor simply adds insult to injury at this point. You should be supporting an taking care of her, not out screwing around!
Grow up and act your age!!!
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