A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:I don't know if anyone can help me here but it's worth a shot. I am 18 years old and never had a boyfriend. I guess its because I am not the partier type and I am so shy. I get nervous when a guy even sits next to me. My family constantly teases me about not having a boyfriend and it really bothers me. I never say anything back because what they say is true. But it gets to the point where I just keep quiet then cry at night. For Xmas, as a joke my family bought me a subscription to an online dating site. Then my mom told me that I should really give it try, as it could help me find someone. Well, I did and met a few really nice guys, my age, and all who dont live too far away. I never told the rest of my family because I know they would just say mean things about it. But I always felt my mom was supportive and that she felt bad for me. So the other day I showed her their pictures and everything and she looked at me like I was crazy. "You could do better than that, he's not your type, why do you like him!?" was all she said. It made me so upset because I really like these guys. I know I am 18 and shouldn't care what anyone thinks but for some reason I always just stick with what my mom says. So I haven't talked to any of them in a few days and I am becoming really depressed. For once I was happy for a couple of weeks, now I just feel like I've wasted time thinking I could actually find someone who my mom would like. It just drives me nuts that she tells me to get a bf then tells me she doesnt like the ones I pick! What should I do? I am really upset over this because if I "ignore" my mom, she will tell my whole family about it and they will all just pick on me again. Please help if you understood my mess and thanks for reading
View related questions:
depressed, never had a boyfriend, shy Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2006): If you like these guys, dont be hypocrites like your family who bought you a dating subscription and were then shocked you used it. Dont say you like these boys then do nothing about it. Go for it!!! You owe it to yourself to be happy. Take care, and good luck.
A
female
reader, Dawnest +, writes (8 January 2006):
You're still a baby and need to be enjoying life not being forced into situations by your mother.
Take up bowling/skating/kick boxing/dancing.... anything that helps you to mix with people of your own age then you will meet a boy who will want to be with you and make you happy about yourself.
Online dating can be fraught with problems if you have little or no experience with the opposite sex and your Mom should be ashamed of herself for making you feel like there is something wrong with you for not having a boyfriend. Tut! Tut!
...............................
A
female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (8 January 2006):
Hi there,
It doesn't seem like your family is very nice does it. They are making you feel even shyer and worse about going out there and talking to a guy by teasing you whihc is just making the situation worse. What your family is doing to you isn't right, everyone has the RIGHT to feel safe and secure and loved in there home. It seems like there is a lack of trust between you and your other family members and they aren't very symapthetic towards your feelings and understanding them. Maybe its just because thhey are just plain cold people, or maybe they just havent been properly explained to how you feel. Do you think they have any idea that there teasing upsets you? If not, then thats good, because it means that they arent intentioanlly trying to hurt you most likely and probably just a chat to them could do the trick and stop there teasing. Yet unfortunly you are left to pick up the pieces and deal with what they have put you through the years. It seems like you don't have much self confidence, which is probabyl due to the way yoru family have treated you.
Its not fair that you had to grow up in a unsupportive family who put you down, but you are 18 now, and you can get that control back in your life!
I think you really have to chat to either all of them as a group and state how there teasing makes you feel or approach them one by one, or perhaps just the ones that you think could maybe go on your side, who are just joniing in on the teasing cause eveyrone else is. Maybe start off with your mum as you said you have kind of always felt she is a bit uspportive?
I know that feeling and 'need' to not go against what your mum says, I am exactly like you, I have that too and funily enough I am actually right now facing an issue that deals with me not wanting to go against waht my mum says in relation to boys and dating. So I know how you feel. Yet I to myself can't seem to understand why I have that feel to always do it. I don't know about you but im thinking maybe the reaosn why I do it is because I have been brought up in a place hwere 'mum is always right', since I was little she made my decisions for me and she could do no worng in my eyes. NOw that im older im still kind of in that mind thinking way. Most of all, your mum is your mum, you love her and look up to her and want to please her out of most people in your life. Yet I think its just a thing where you have to face that you won't always be able to do that and just bite the bullet of perhaps going against what she might say.
Think about why she really thinks you 'can do better' then those guys. Ask her what type of guy she thinks would be beter for you? Then tell her what you see in those guys and why you like them, tell her all the positive things. But most importantly, you have to remember that your mum is not you, she doesnt know how you feel or think or what you need and want, only YOU know what is best for you so therefor only you can truly deicde what guy is right for you. Trust your own instinct on this one I say. But let your mum know that you appricate her opinion.
Thats not good that you fear that if you go out wiht one of those guys, that your mum will tell the whole family. Honestly darl, just sit down and talk with her and open up 2 her and tell her how you feel. Hopefully she will be able to accept that. Yet if she still does tell them, if you did have that chat with them, then hopefully they wont say anything negative. Also I think you need to point out to them that it is tearing your confidence apart and is really upseting. You need to urge the importance of that ok?
Most of all, do what your heart says and trust it. Also another idea is to talk to a close friend and see waht they say and get some support from them. Do you have any friends you feel you could trust?
Good luck and I hope you get this sorted out and feel better. Let us know how it goes and if you have any further questions dont be afraid to ask :)
...............................
A
female
reader, Contact Carly +, writes (8 January 2006):
 Dear reader
Just try talking to your mum tell her that looks dont matter to you she should be happy for you either way wether hes good looking my mums a bit like that i just told her that looks dont matter that much and she understood.
Hope it helps
Carly
...............................
|
