A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I found out my husband had an affair a year and a half ago. The only reason it's over now is because the other woman ended it. The whole thing lasted about a month. He was angry that she hurt him, not sure if he tried to win her back or anything, he says he did not but I don't trust him. He's been talking to his friends about her and how she hurt him and what a manipulative bitch she was, and what great sex they had. She was a topic of conversation for about a year and a half. If he had stoped talking about her I wouldn't have found out. I told him that there is no way I can forgive such a thing and want him to leave. I also told him that I have absolutely no intension to have sex with him ever again. I'm also pregnant but I really want him out of my life. He says he cannot leave me because of my situation and because he loves me and loves his future child. We've been together for more than 10 years. There is no way I'm going to forgive such a thing.
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male
reader, previasc96 +, writes (20 May 2008):
holding grudges and being stubborn about forgiveness, is totally unhealthy. It's like a heavy weight that will hold you down from rising to new and better places in your relationship
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (19 May 2008):
 The earlier you forgive him , the better it is for your mental and psychological health.
Unforgiveness can bring many ill feelings which can affect your health .
It can cause mental depressions , cancer and a horde of other sickness.
The fire that burns in you, burn you more than him.
The one who will suffer most is the one who does not forgive others.
Unforgiveness is a sin .
For the same judgments you used against him will be used against you.
Having anger, hate, unforgivenss is inviting the devil to
come into you and the devil will torment you for days without end.
Do not act rashly for you may regret it.
Does 10 years meant nothing to you?
For further readings;-
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/forgiveness/MH00131
http://www.greatbiblestudy.com/unforgiveness_poison.php
http://www.celebratelove.com/forgive.htm
http://www.christianitytoday.com/tcw/2005/sepoct/10.16.html
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A
male
reader, WastedLife +, writes (18 May 2008):
This is a cosmic test, and the easy way out is to end it all. The more difficult and rewarding way is to feel the pain, handle the feelings, get beyond the anger and THEN talk about this. It may take months, or much longer - it's part of the tests life gives you. I strongly recommend a GOOD relationship counselor if you can find one. If not, you need to become one. You can take your time to forgive, but it's much better to make a dispassionate choice after all the anger is gone. There's certainly no hurry - you will be with your child for at least 18 years, and it's much better to find your best path than to go desperately on the most expedient one. We are all hurt hugely in life, and I have been betrayed repeatedly by someone I loved also. I'm certainly not perfect either, though I do try to follow the compassionate course. "Let him who is without fault cast the first stone", or some such thing. I would take my time - divorce in America is a terrible thing, and generally, the only winners are the lawyers. If you must divorce, do it carefully, kindly, and considerately - don't rush it, and leave the lawyers out of it until you two have all your agreements in place between yourselves. Never let them get orders preventing you two from talking - it is a favorite tack to make an easy divorce into a horrible and expensive thing. But first start by moving your feelings and having a proper talk. Then another one. And another. Both of you are hurt - blaming is worse than useless, and if you ever had anything worthwhile, then do the work and find it again. If not, be as gentle as possible. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, bigkahunaswife +, writes (18 May 2008):
I was also in a similar situation. My husband of 20 years had an affair with a friend of mine. She had been my friend for 30 years. When I found out there were a millions reasons why it happened. Even tho it never got sexual, he send every dying minute texting, calling and going to her houde it was all about her. I have two kids and we have had our problems, but bottom line he asked for forgiveness and said he was sorry over and over. I forgave him. I have not forgiven her or spoke to her in 3 years because she never said she was sorry or even tried to make things right, as a matter a fact she told me I deserved it. If hes sorry honestly sorry and wants to work on making things right then stay if not tell him to leave. To many people give up to easy. YOu have to ask yourself if you are perfect? do you make mistakes? divorce rates are so high because to many people give up to easy. We all make mistakes but we cant give up evrytime something goes wrong or evryone would just be miserable. We are all flawed. One thing I will say though, let him know up front that you are watching his every move and if you feel that something isnt right hes gone! good luck
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A
female
reader, Susan Strict  +, writes (18 May 2008):
 There's only one question: was the relationship you had with him before you knew all of this worth having and worth fighting for?
If so, then fight to regain it. If not, then let it go. Either way, move on and don't let it make the rest of your life a misery. Think of yourself and your child. Think what you want and what is best for you and your new baby.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2008): There's not enough detail here to offer much of an opinion. All I can say is that it must be hell living from day to day with him. I'm concerned that might not be good for your health as an expecting mother. I mean, you should try to forgive him, but maybe not with him in your life as your husband. I guess what it really comes now to is how much remorse he has shown you and what he is doing to try and earn your trust back. There is a small possibility that you can get through this and still have your husband, but if he isn't going the extra mile now, what meaning is there in telling you how much he loves you? If a small part of you is hoping to salvage the marriage, I'd just realize that gaining the trust back is going to be slow and painful, but it's possible. It's a tricky situation. Take care.
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A
female
reader, lexilou +, writes (18 May 2008):
 Only you can make this decision and if you cannot forgive him then there is probably no future for you. BUT stop and ask yourself a few questions first.
Do you want to spend the rest of your life with him?
If yes could you forgive him in time? (you will never forget though)
If yes could you make the marriage work again and eventually move on from this?
If no to everything then maybe your mind is already made up but it just makes me wonder why you asked the question on here, is it because you want to forgive but think it's stupid to do so??
Maybe spend a little time apart and really think about this. It would be nice for baby to have both parents but wrong to stay together for the baby's sake alone. Good luck x
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A
female
reader, asian tealeaf  +, writes (18 May 2008):
 there are many things one can forgive, whether easily or not. but infidelity is a very very difficult thing to forgive. and while partners can lay the blame and have a million reasons why they cheated, in the end, thheres no excuse. its better to break up, or divorce, however complicated it might be,then do as one wills. then to cheat and scar ur partner for life.
as mentioned, she broke it off not him. so this leaves the gray area of wondering, would he stil be cheating?
he says he still loves u? where wass the love when he penetrated her ? and cuddled her.. and whispered pillow talk in her ears? where was the remorse? where was even the thoughts of u? u were put on the back burner. and in my thinking, if he had never cheated and he found himself about to have sex with a nother woman, but before he did the deed he stopped and said, u know i cant do this. its wrong and i did not know what the hell i was thinking, i might be more apt to forgive. but....no. he can feel remorse the rest of his life thru child support and alimony. and visitation with his child. either then that, move on, dont be angry, dont throw mud. justt tell him u can never be any more. if u forgave him, it would still eat away at u and gnaw at ur heart for the rest of ur life. the trust is gone. it can never ever be what it once was. and inevitably it will lead to further pain down the road. sweety, theres n o shame no blame if u divorce him. and if i were u i would let no one make u feel like u are partly to blame or feel guilty if u leave him. ur primary focus now should be ur unborn baby.
its too bad he did what he did. im sorry for u and the child. take the reins and grow some balls. hes no longer the head of ur household. he forfeited that. put on the pants and get a lawyer and make amicable ends with the spouse. goood luck dear.
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A
male
reader, Uncle Sneaker +, writes (18 May 2008):
 You need to think carefully what you really want, because some of the things you have said don't quite stack up. I wonder whether you are reacting from anger more than anything.
I don't want to try to pass judgement on your husband or on you. It's never good when something like this happens. The best we can do is to look towards what we would like to have happen in the future and then work towards it.
The areas that I think you should try to examine more closely, based purely on what you have said, are:
First, you say you told him you will never have sex with him again, yet this affaire was a year and a half ago, lasted a month, and you are now pregnant. When and what changed to make you tell him this now? Was it purely that you only found out much more recently? Did you make that decision before or after you became pregnant?
Second, you say he has been discussing this woman with his friends. How do you know? Have they told you? Because such information is rarely reported back accurately or honestly. Are you sure that what you have heard isn't slanted for their own particular reasons that aren't necessarily in your own interests or those of your husband? If you found out about his affaire through a third party, then why did they tell you? What were their motives?
Third, an affaire, hurtful and wrong as it undoubtedly is, that only lasts a month, isn't always an indication that he loves you any less. I thoroughly agree that it's disgusting for him to do that after you have been together for ten years, but is it no more than a stupid mistake? Is he really likely to do it again? Does it mean so much to you or to him that you are really willing to throw away ten years of marriage? You may never forget or forgive, but can the two of you rebuild what you had? How will it affect your child - either if you split up or if you stay together in an unhappy relationship.
Fourth, why does he bother to say he loves you? Has this whole business made him realise how much he will lose if he loses you? Does that alter anything? Have you asked yourself the same questions that he must, by now, have asked himself: what did he mean to you before this happened? What did you have then? What made him have the affaire?
I'm not proposing solutions, only questions. And only questions for you to ask yourself. Your entire future, and his, depends on what you do now, and it's absolutely essential you have thought it right through without anger and taking everything into account. Looking at how you would like the future to be is where you need to focus. I suggest you take just a little time, let the anger subside, and don't do anything you can't reverse until you have really had time to consider everything properly.
Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2008): I completely agree with Uncle Eddie.
He isn't remorseful one bit, which prevents you to even reconsider your feelings. Either he leaves, or you do. This guy sounds self absorbed, and isn't good for you and your needs. I see nothing in turning this guy around, he is immature, self centered.
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A
female
reader, Ember13 +, writes (18 May 2008):
I agree. You've already said that you can't forgive him so to me it sounds like you've already made up your mind. I think now you need to decide what actions you want to take.
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A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (18 May 2008):
 If you know you're not going to forgive him, then you've made your choice. If he doesn't leave, you certainly can. The only thing worse than cheating is sitting around discussing it with others. That makes it seem he is really not very remorseful.
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A
female
reader, PreciousNY +, writes (18 May 2008):
I would definitely not forgive him either. Not only did he have an affair but he had the nerve to talk to his friends about how great the sex was and how hurt he was that she ended it with him. I don't think that he will ever change and will probably find someone else to cheat with. You leaving him is the best thing you can do for you and your baby. The child will be much better off growing up in a peaceful happy environment than in a house where the parents are constantly fighting and where you can cut the tension with a knife. If he loved you, he would not have done this to you.
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A
female
reader, anon40 +, writes (18 May 2008):
i all of this has your husband thought at all about you. It all seems to centre around how how this other woman hurt him etc....what about him hurting you or dont you come into the scheme of things?
To stay with this man means a life of mistrust, unhappiness & being tied down to the wrong man. You need to leave him (take professional advice before doing this) and concentrate on you and your unborn baby.
Maybe then in time, you will find a man that will truly love you as you need to be loved
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