A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone,I've been with my boyfriend for 10 months and we practically live together. We have done since more or less day one of our relationship. Before we got into a relationship, he was renting a house off his mum but she needed to rent it out to someone else so he moved in with his sister, then he met me. I have my own one-bedroom flat, which is quite small. My boyfriend is in quite a bit of debt. He has a son of 11 who he pays for and he is not on a great wage probably about the same as me a year. He once said about giving me some money towards the mortgage but I said it was okay as he didnt' actually live here. But that was then, he was staying equally at his sister's as well as mine. Now though, since my friend has said something it's started to bother me. He buys shopping anything we need from the shop (sometimes I do) and lets me borrow his car nearly everyday and also pays for meals when we go out (about once a week) my question is - is this enough or is he taking me for granted?Also another worry I have - he's nearly 40 (I'm 30) he never mentions getting married to me. I did once ask if he'd ever get married again and he said "I haven't ruled it out"A lot of my friends have been together about the same amount of time and are at least getting engaged. Am I wasting my time? He always tells me he loves me and we spend nearly all our time together but should he be giving me some kind of commitment by now or am i rushing things?
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2008): Maybe rushing things, but seeing your age you have every reason to not want to waste time. Do you love this man, do you want to marry him and spend the rest of your life with him. If yes then tell him how you feel. As to the finances, then your friend is wrong. He is paying and supporting you as much as he can on his very limited income. He's paying you in kind, rather than cash, and is showing you that he wants to contribute and pay his way as far as he can. Ignore your friend, I'd put money on it that she is single and probably a bit jealous of the love you share.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2008): My wife was 30 when she got divorced from her first husband and I was 33 when I got divorced from my first wife. We started dating about 6 months after my wife left me and 3 years after she left her ex. We both wanted to take it slow because of the short time I had between my first and her. We dated for 4 years, spending more and more nights together as time went on. In the 4th year, she was spending nearly every night at my house. She never contributed to the house cost and I never wanted her to. I wouldn’t have let her if she have wanted to anyway. At the end of the 4th year, we decided that she might as well just move in with me. We both had good jobs, but I made about double what she made. She paid me rent that was equal to about 1/5 of my mortgage payment. We shared the food costs, but I paid 3/5 and she paid 2/5 because I ate more than she did. I don’t remember if we shared the utilities or not. We lived together for 2 and ½ years and never talked about marriage. At the end of that time I got an offer for a better job that required moving to another city. We discussed it at length and decided that we both wanted to get married and for her to quit her job and come with me.
OK, that is my story. She never took advantage of me by living most every night at my house. She never took advantage of me by paying only a small amount of the mortgage as rent and she could have afforded to pay more. I didn’t want her to. It sounds to me that he is contributing monetarily to your expenses. Maybe not in equal amounts, but it sounds like a somewhat significant amount. I think that it would be fair of him to pay you some amount toward your mortgage cost, but certainly not nearly as much as half. After all, if the 2 of you separate, he gets nothing. That is why I only wanted my girlfriend to pay about 1/5. It was less than the rent that she would have had to pay if she had not moved in with me. You say that you practically live together. Well, we practically lived together before we actually did and I never expected her to contribute to any home expenses.
So you are not engaged after a relationship of 10 months. Well, to that I say good thinking. I don’t see how 2 people can know that they are right for each other after only 10 months. Take your time. You will be much better off for it in the long run. My wife and I wouldn’t have gotten married as soon as we did if it were not for her having to quit her job and move to another city. It wasn’t fair to her to make that change without a commitment of marriage. We were ready for marriage, but saw no reason to rush it, as living together was working just fine. So he hasn’t ruled marriage out. Well, I see no problem in that. He is probably just being cautious until he really knows what he wants. It does no good to be pressured into marriage and then find out that it was a mistake.
I don’t know what the financial situation is with the 2 of you. How do your incomes compare? That is no excuse for him to take financial advantage of you, but it should be a consideration.
You say that all of your friends are either married or getting engaged. Well, I hope that they took the time to make sure that they were ready for it and that both partners were compatible, as it is likely that the marriage will not last if they aren’t. Taking ones time and being correct is a lot more important that rushing into something as important as marriage and finding out that you married the wrong person.
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A
female
reader, nettles +, writes (15 June 2008):
 It sounds as though he has had a failed marriage in the past which would explain his reluctance to rush into such a committment.
It doesn't matter how quickly other couples are getting engaged, what matters is that you love each other and are happy.
You should both be in a financially stable position before considering marriage as weddings are very expensive.
I have been with my boyfriend for over a year and we have only started discussing moving in together so 10 months is nothing to worry about.
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A
male
reader, wildman  +, writes (15 June 2008):
 If he is living with you 75 percent of the time he should be helping out I think. Wonder what he really wants to be with you or to have a place to crash. Are you sure you want to marry into this situation? It might be better not to assume his debt or get involved with it unless you see a bright light at the end of the tunnel. good luck
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (15 June 2008):
 Sorry,
I'm confused, does he live with you or not? If he only stays over on occasions then I cant see why he should be obligated to share the mortgage with you. But if he lives with you then he should. The way to do it is to share the expenses, once you do that then you can ask him to move in properly with you and you both can be responsible for the mortgage AND the other expenses - dinners etc.
You have very conservative values where you believe the man should be the primary wage earner which ties in with your frustration at no engagement ring yet and letting him pay for all your meals when you go out ( you should at least make a cursory offer ) .
You should talk this over with him, most guys think that 10 months is way too early to propose. Then again,having said that I know my work colleagues girlfriends are engaged or married and none of them are over 23 - it must be a suburban thing I guess:)
I think you really need to find out if he shares the same values as you. You should know this already after 10 months together so maybe you are not making your future intentions as clear to him as you are to us.
You might scare him off but if these are your values then you need to find out now rather than later.
good luck
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A
female
reader, Phoenix-Rose +, writes (15 June 2008):
Wait you say you've only been together 10 months so why do you feel so determined to be engaged. I believe that to know you are with the person you are going to be with for the rest of your life you should wait at least a minimum of 2 years to think about getting married. But if you feel like you are in that place then maybe you should either talk about it, just bring it up casually or even better maybe you could pop the question to him.
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A
female
reader, misfitschik66  +, writes (15 June 2008):
 you are being selfish ive been in two serious relationships one was for three and a half years a was engaged after two years and planning on getting married after the fourth and when we broke up me and my current boyfriend have been together a year now and we talk about it but it always comes up we havent been together long enough another year or so.. we are in debt and thats one of the reasons its being held off but not the only one mostly because its ONLY been a year
he said" i havent ruled it out" it means he had been thinking about it
it seems he does ALOT for you maybe YOU are taking him for granted?
DONT rush into marriage when you are in debt.. weddings are expecive and that would make your debts worse
maybe thats why he says it hasent been ruled out? think about it!
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