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male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My in-laws have a problem with boundaries and they are kind of are drama queens. My younger brother on the other hand is more of a private person. So my wife and I had a six month old baby. On Christmas Day, we all had our families over (my wife's family and my family). During Christmas dinner, my father-in-law asked my brother "So when are you going to get married and have kids so your little niece can have some cousins to play with?" and which my brother replied with "That is none of your business and that is an inappropriate question to ask someone".My in-laws will not let it go and keep on saying that my brother needs to apologize. My brother says he did nothing wrong and says that they need to grow up. Any advice on how to smooth things over?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 February 2019): Wouldn't like to be at a party with your brother, way to serious and OTT. He was rude and should understand that it is quite an innocent question, a way of breaking the ice maybe, and I bet the ice needed breaking with a stuffy character like your brother obviously is.
Your brother needs to show some respect, especially to elders, or at least some understanding. Touchy and defensive are bad traits and make open conversation extremely uncomfortable.
He was unfair and needs to lighten up and apologise for been a twat.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2019): Your brother is right, it IS an inappropriate comment from the in-laws. What if he chooses singledom or for some reason can't have children? You should never press personal questions like these.
I don't think he needs to apologize- if anything the in-laws should see in the light of day that their questions were too prying, and they should apologize.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2019): Well I'm nearly 60 and so I suppose I could be considered an 'old school' type of person, who some suggest find it normal to ask this kind of thing. But I certainly do not find it normal, nor polite.I have never wanted children and I found it SO tiresome when people would ask me in a wheedling type of voice, 'So.… when are you going to have children?' I found it so personal, so intrusive, such a rude thing to ask. Sometimes I would smile a little and say I don't want children and suffer whatever the fall out from that particular statement would incur. I don't like to lie, so I felt cornered by this question, answering a question I found to be no-one's business but my own. And then some days I would have a reaction like your brother, when you've just had enough of this line of questioning, which could go all kinds of ways, just because you don't fit a stereotype. Or maybe he really WANTS children and can't for some reason. I think people should really think before embarking on what for them, is an innocent and surely well meant, but ill thought out, question. So, no, I personally do not find your brother's answers rude or outrageous as some have suggested, just the result of maybe a bad day coupled with the return of THAT question. If your brother doesn't want to apologise and I personally don't see why he should, and your in laws are digging their heels in over feeling offended, then I think your only recourse would be to keep your head down and let them get on with it. Carry on as normal and in time things should settle down again.
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female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (4 February 2019):
 First of all I'd stay out of this as much as possible. Its kind of a sticky mess but you aren't your brother or his keeper. I do believe that the inlaws more than likely didnt mean any offense and were probably just trying to make conversation. We weren't there so we don't know the tone of the voice that was used but its a pretty common question that people ask of younger people.
Did your brother overreact? Possibly but I do sympathize with him and perhaps he had just been asked that question one too many times or quite frankly didn't feel that he needed to answer it. Could he have used more diplomacy? Of course but he didn't. Sometimes people really don't think when they ask questions and dont realize that they might be hurting or offending someone.
My daughter was married for 13 years and they never did have children and I know she was asked all the time when they were going to. She wanted kids, her husband didn't and so they didn't have any. Was it anyone's business? NOPE! People like to ask though.
If the inlaws can't let the situation go, I'd honesty say "well I guess you need to talk to my brother". Then change the subject.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (4 February 2019):
 Dont be the middle man. Its not your fight. And I side with your brother.
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female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (2 February 2019):
 I'm going to go against the grain here and side with your brother. He could have been more delicate in his response but then your in laws could have shown better manners.We've had a number of people on the receiving end of these types of questions post about this. Why is it anyone who is single must explain, then justify their reproductive choices in casual conversation? Asking someone if/when they plan to marry and have children is just as rude as asking someone whose had children how many times they had to have sex before finally becoming pregnant, or when they plan to have a vasectomy or get their tubes tied.Consider this: some people don't have children because they can't. Are they really supposed to share their medical history with others over lunch? This is an intimate question to ask. That's not to say that's your brother's reason, but what if it were? Do you think your in laws are entitled to such information?Your brother is quite right that it's no one's business but his own. Do you think this is the first time he's ever been asked this? The only difference between him and everyone else who has been pestered with these intrusive questions is he wasn't willing to suffer in silence.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 February 2019):
 I agree with Cindy here, massive over reaction on your brother's side.
It's a pretty STANDARD question to be asked once you have reached ADULTHOOD and it's one that is EASILY handled in 2 seconds flat without the drama.
I'd say your BROTHER created the drama, when he could just have said... No idea. Or, Never or something goofy, or whatever.
I don't really think the question is inappropriate. For many, it might really be a conversational topic. they probably meant it in a light hearted way. A way to draw your brother into the conversation about babies or the future.
Do I think he owes then an apology? No, not really. While I think he overreacted, they ought to just let this "die". But for anyone to tell them this, it might be better coming from your wife.
Other than that, I'd stay out of it.
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female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (2 February 2019):
 I think you're brother did overreact but then maybe he was having a bad day, maybe he genuinely doesn't like such questions and finds them too invasive or maybe he just doesn't like these particular people. There could have been a better response from him, he could have just said "I don't know yet, we'll see".
Does he need to apologise? Maybe.
Do the in-laws need to draw a line with how they communicate with your family? Most certainly yes. Because it really is none of their business and while it was an innocent question, they should know their audience. If someone is uncomfortable then don't push them too far.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (2 February 2019):
 I find your brother's reaction appallingly rude and I think, TBH, that if there's someone who needs to grow up- and learn some social skills- that would be your brother. Being a reserved person does not give him any right to bite the nose off people who are your guests and relatives. I don't even see what's the big secret and why the question would be inappropriate, it's not as if they have asked him how many times a week he masturbates. That's the typical question that you can expect from older , traditional people , and I'd bet it was asked just to shoot the breeze and in the spirit of having some witty banter. It's a silly question? Yes, because it does not take into account that nowadays there are tons of people who do not want to get married at all, or do not want to ever have children. Is it annoying ? Yes,- if one is the type who gets annoyed easily- and if one got it asked a lot of times already.
But, Jeez, surely no need to react like a sulky, rebellious child ? He could have simply said " I have no idea " - and changed subject swiftly. He could have said
" Not in the very near future " and changed the subject swiftly. He could have smiled and said " When I meet the right one ". Even smoother ? he could have smiled and said " As soon as I get as lucky as my brother and meet someone who's wonderful like your daughter ". AND changed the subject, if this is such a sensitive point. He could have said " Hopefully little X will have her own siblings , so won't need cousins to play with "...
He could have said ANYTHING !, including a tight-assed yet still polite " Uhm , I am not quite comfortable talking about this " - BUT, basically, telling to go f...themselves two people who 1) are your guests 2) are older than him 3 ) did not mean to pry but simply to keep the conversation going in a cordial atmosphere and jocular way. ( Why , do you think your in-laws were really waiting with bated breath to know when your brother is getting married ? I am pretty sure they could not care less one way or another- they just were trying to be sociable in an old -fashioned , typical new-grandparentish kind of way ).
What can you do now ? Not much, I am afraid, the damage is done. I can understand how your in laws would be upset and "won't let go " . Now, on one hand, sure , they'd be wiser to let go but only insofar life is short and one should decide only stressing out over big, serious stuff, not about something trivial like this ; OTH , if they are acting as if they had been insulted, well- they HAVE been insulted, and in front of their own daughter too. Not nice. Hard to swallow, and , IMHO they do deserve the apologies they asked for.
Apologies ,which, apparently, won't be forthcoming. I guess you could try and explain your brother that he overreacted and that there are better ways to fend off unwanted questions in social situations ; or you could just beg him,right or wrong he is, to help you out in keeping the peace in your family , and mumble a " sorry about the misunderstanding " so that YOU don't have to stay between a rock and a hard place, and become the innocent victim of this etiquette feud. You can take the horse to the water , though, but you can't make it drink, so I don't count on him being very cooperative.
In this case , all you can do is : keeping them apart- brother and in laws , invite them over separately and celebrate stuff separately. Maybe not forever- but for a good while. Better this than risking other run-ins which would be , I guess, very mortifying, nost of all for your wife.
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reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (2 February 2019):
 Having chosen NEVER to get married or have kids, I often used to get asked the similar questions and recall finding it irritating and very invasive, although I always managed to either brush it aside or just smile, as it was usually family or my mother's friends doing the asking and I didn't want to upset them. It used to annoy me though and make me fume inwardly for long after the question had been asked, so I wish I had had your brother's balls to answer as he did. His answer was, possibly, a little OTT but, all the same I have to say, well done that guy.
I suspect your in-laws are upset because they didn't MEAN to upset him. They were just making chit chat and being "funny". His response put a stop to that.
In your shoes I would try to stay neutral in this situation as much as possible. Totally refuse to get drawn into telling EITHER party they should apologize. Both sides were annoyed so, in my book, either both sides need to let it go or both sides need to acknowledge their contribution towards the ill feeling and, hence, both sides needs to apologize.
Perhaps explain to your brother that your in-laws meant no harm, that it was just pointless small talk. Then explain to your in-laws that your brother is a private person and they should not broach this subject with him again as they do not know his personal circumstances (he may not WANT children, he may be TORN on having children, he may be gay, he may have fertility issues, he may have health issues or he may just be fed up of trying to please others).
Hopefully you won't need to mix the two families for a while so this should fade away on its own.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2019): Pardon the typo:
"BTW, congratulations!"
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2019): Okay, this scenario is where both sides are right and wrong.
It's either Christmas or Thanksgiving. Your brother could have comeback with "Surprise! I'm gay!"
It's traditional old-school for parents and in-laws to inquire on when there will be grand-kids. Family-tradition and rules of nature require reproduction and perpetuation of the species. Passing-on the family DNA and carrying the family-surname into posterity. It's one of the oldest questions since humans created speech.
It was very forward of your father-in-law to put your brother the spot. He probably had one scotch or spiked egg nog too many; and tripped over his unfiltered-tongue. He meant no harm, he was only being facetious.
Your brother became very defensive and blurted what seems like a well-rehearsed backhand response. He threw your FIL a curve-ball he wasn't expecting. It was uncalled for.
He had it coming; but there was a more respectful and diplomatic (or humorous) response that could have been chosen. Considering you were in a jovial celebratory atmosphere. Your brother disrespected his hosts, other guests, and the nature of the event. He has bad manners as well.
If your in-laws consistently pry or needle your brother about his personal-life; then he owes no one an apology. He is correct. His response was dead-on.
He overreacted, and could have just said it was a bit personal and inappropriate. The "none of your business" retort would be more "appropriate" for a stranger. He might have ignored the question altogether.
His harsh response must have immediately changed the atmosphere in the room, and created unnecessary tension.
I would have to say, because your father-in-law is the elder; it would be best your brother apologized. Your brother should make some kind of conciliatory-gesture to diffuse the matter. Look what he did to the Holiday event!
He owes at least you and your wife an apology. It was at your party.
If he prefers to remain arrogant and self-righteous; fine, but he'll feel tense at family-event's. Your wife is likely to want to invite both her parents to family-celebrations.
The tension between him and your father-in-law will force you to choose sides. That will not make your wife happy. She will eventually become protective of her father.
You can invite both the guys out, and be the mediator or peacemaker. You can ask them both to make peace for the sake of family-unity; and as a tribute to the newest member of the family. Your new baby. BTW, congratuations!
You're all family, and such petty things should not cause dissension and family-conflict. Your brother should learn to respect his elders.
Older-people have earned their right to talk a little smack; they get snark and sarcasm from young whipper-snappers like your brother all the time! Your father-in-law was just messing-around. Older-guys frequently ask young-bucks when they plan to settle-down, and show some responsibility. It was only a rhetorical-question.
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