A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am an introvert and struggle in social settings. I feel like there is really no good reason for this - I am confident, reasonably attractive, successful, etc. (the point being that I have nothing to feel insecure about). I do great in one-on-one settings with anybody. But when I am in larger, social groups, particularly with my girlfriend who is very outgoing, I start feeling anxious and feel like I can't really fit in very well. If other people are talking I start feeling like everybody is noticing how I am not talking and they will perceive me as conceited or boring. On the other hand, if I start talking or telling a story I feel like I struggle to make it entertaining which becomes awkward and I think people notice.I don't like this at all, I want to be more social and have fun in social settings instead of being uptight and fearful of social settings. If anybody has any real advice that would help I would appreciate that.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (31 January 2019):
 A friend of mine struggles with this. She has seen her doctor and has a therapist and has medication to help her. She will never be the “life of the party” yet she has a great job, a fantastic family who love and support her. She’s good with it.
Have you considered letting go of the need to shine in a setting that doesn’t actually serve your own social and emotional needs?
A
female
reader, singinbluebird +, writes (31 January 2019):
 Why do you assume this is a weakness? You sound intelligent and self aware. You say you're excellent on one-on-one interactions so try cultivate that strength. It hardly matters if you're great not great in social groups, if you hold yourself as a highly confident person interpersonally, then everything is fine but we should always be working on our people skills regardless of age.
I am in similar boat with you, I'm absolutely wonderful one-on-one but in groups I can be shy and feel social anxiety. But I find people who do well in groups are poor with interpersonal skills. I use this skill to usually catch them one on one and usually they are surprise by my confidence and ability to speak well and be curious during those times ---that it allows them to know during social groups that regardless of being quiet I am highly perceptive and confident/speak well.
Use that interpersonal skills to cultivate that as youre strength. It is a much needed skill due to our technological modern world now where everything is through texting, media, and technology.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 January 2019): Consider a life coach. There are different categories of training. You need someone to coach you in how to fit into social-situations; and how to feel less intimidated by groups. You should also do research into finding group-therapy counselors who help people to overcome crippling-shyness, and social-awkwardness.
There are different niches of life-coaching; but you should check their backgrounds, stats, ratings, and what they specialize in.
They can help you reach a higher-potential and effectiveness in several areas of your life. Improve your interactive and communication skills. They can also help you improve relationships; and how to effectively motivate people. You don't always need a therapist; although some life coaches are trained and licensed therapists. Just checkout their credentials and find someone who specializes in your particular needs.
You also have to realize you don't have to knock people's socks off, or impress the crowd. Unless you're giving a speech, stay within a smaller group; if that makes you at-ease. Trust your own natural-charm, and embrace your low-keyed personality. Not everyone has a charismatic-persona.
Thank God!
There are gross-misconceptions with people about what people are thinking of them. Stop mind-reading. You're usually wrong. If you freeze-up, excuse yourself to go find your composure. Lighten-up, stop turning people into police interrogators or judges.
Insecurity and self-consciousness will play on your sensitivities. You'll make a fool of yourself acting out of character; by trying to mimic or imitate the personality of your more out-going partner, or rowdy friends. You're not obligated to be her mirror-image, or her male-version. You being you is what attracted her to you.
You have to be yourself, and just practice at being a more "sociable" you. Even if you choke-up or gag at times; just the practice helps you improve. Everyone gets nervous around a crowd of strangers. Some people feed on that! It's their personality-type.
I took courses and training in public-speaking and speech-making for the purpose of avoiding stage-fright. My job requires me to speak before large groups; and sometimes I speak at company seminars, large meetings, and conventions. This is frightening when you grew-up as a shy-kid who walked around with your eyes to the ground. I still get sweaty-palms, a little shaky, and want to run out of an auditorium.
I just have to warm-up and focus.
In high-school, one of my teachers gave me extra-credit to read an essay aloud before the class; just to bring me out of my shell. It was from that point I decided I would learn to open-up. It also helped me in social-circles. Now I love hosting parties and entertaining. It opened-up a whole new world.
I personally never hired a life coach; but I did have to motivate myself to do something about my shyness and avoidance of eye-contact. I am gay, and always felt intimidated by bigger tougher guys. Oh, my jock brothers taught me self-defense; but I was afraid of the dreaded-word...fag! So I flew under the gaydar/radar; thinking if anyone looked too closely they could tell. Oddly, no one ever did. It was my own paranoia. I was well-liked by the girls, they though the shyness was cute. It was also a defense-mechanism to avoid too much of their attention! I got over that too!
Back in high school, during showers after gym-class; I was called "pretty" and teased. Told I had girly-legs; but I could handle that. Working-out solved that issue. I joined and served in the military' and that was a confidence-builder on steroids! Putting it all together, along with a good upbringing, it rounded me out as man. The key was the self-motivation to do something about it. Reading, staying abreast of current events; and letting other people introduce me to new things. Not letting what other people think overwhelm me. I'm always a work in-progress. I slip-back sometimes.
You're in your 40's and starting-out late. You are who you are. It's never too late to learn; maybe a life coach might be helpful.
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