A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi im a 25 yrs old man. I find very difficult for me to say no to other people or to tell anything that will make anybody feel bad. I been almost all my life a strong christian, trying to save myself to my wife. in until i was 23 i had never been in a relationship. around 3 years ago i stopped going to church, and started going to clubs and parties. i always felt guilty for going out to clubs to look for woman because deep inside i knew that it was not the place to look for a true love, but i did it anyways. around one in a half years ago i meet Monique she was a foreign student from the same country that im, we started dating at first she was not much into me, but soon everything changed. we started to see each other everyday, i was her refugee from being homesick, and always made her fell better, we always played around with getting engaged and getting married, soon all the jokes became reality and we got engaged. after seven months she had to move in with me because her program ended, so the option was either go back or move in with me. we have been living together for around one year and we are getting married in january 2011. by the way im going back to life in my home country because she cannot stand to live here in the US. In the beginning our relationship was great, soon with time i lost interest in her, also i was never a 100% attracted to her to begin with. Now i dont feel atracted to her, or maybe 15%. I loved or i thinks i do. the marriage is alreadt scheduled almost everything is paid for. Also everytime we make love i feel guilty because i believe that only married people should have do it. and legally we are not married yet. I now my situation in complication so please help me with great advice. thanks for reading and im open to question. i is my first girlfriend, she has a whole lot more experience than i do. Also sometimes i feel bad marrying somebody of a different religion.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the answer. I have no experience so i dont know if the way i feel is right. When im with her everything is good we have fun, she is very emotional and sometimes curse me, at the moment i dont like cause i never said anything negative since we are together, i always tried to motivate, make her feel good about herself, on the other hand, she makes comment about me that do offend me. Most of the time we fight she comes back later asking me to forgive her so now when we fight i now that she says that only on the moment of anger. I very calm, i hardly raise my voice, even douu im a amateur fighter i never fought anyone outside the ring. I sure that we will make a good couple, and i think that my attraction when down because of this situation that im in. Also remembering that i will have to move to a different country that i dont know much about. I wil also research the topic of people pleasing because im sure i have that type of behavior.
A
male
reader, jimrich  +, writes (17 September 2010):
re: Hi im a 25 yrs old man. I find very difficult for me to say no to other people or to tell anything that will make anybody feel bad.
...This behavior is called: "People Pleasing" - a form of Codependency and is rooted in early childhood training and conditioning to always be 'good', never upset anyone, be polite, kind, agreeable, obedient, etc. - irregardless of what you want for your self! You were taught and trained to abandon and give up your own desires and interests to please SELFISH others (most likely your parents). People Pleasing is a very self defeating behavior because you rarely get what you want in life and are often very unhappy, unfulfilled, angry and make an unsatisfactory partner for others. Google: People Pleasing and learn more about it!
re: also i was never a 100% attracted to her to begin with. Now i dont feel atracted to her, or maybe 15%.
...That is very typical Codependent/People Pleasing behavior! You don't know what you want and often get into relationships where you do not actually and deeply love the other person or even know how to love others.
I loved or i thinks i do.
.... A totally codependent statement.....don't you know how you feel? Codependents rarely know how they feel. google: codependency and learn all about it.
the marriage is alreadt scheduled almost everything is paid for. Also everytime we make love i feel guilty because i believe that only married people should have do it. and legally we are not married yet.
... DO NOT marry someone just to have GUILT-FREE sex! Your partner deserves to be loved, wanted and cherished 100%.....NOT JUST 15% or even less!
re: Also sometimes i feel bad marrying somebody of a different religion.
...DON'T DO IT! Don't marry anyone UNLESS you are 100% committed to them and in love.
I suggest that you sit down ALONE with a writing pad and write out all and everything you WANT. This is the fastest way to break free of people pleasing and codependency. What do you want? - not: what do others want or want you to want?
You can start with this:
I want......a christian partner
I want......guilt free sex in a marriage
I want......to live my life on my terms and not what everyone else wants
I want......the right to have and get what I want
You can go on writing down all and anything you can think of that you want or ever have wanted.
You may encounter inner opposition to this at first. A part of you may tell you that you don't deserve something or that you are: selfish, stupid, wrong, not worthy, etc. You have to keep on letting your self know what you want and that you deserve it and can have it JUST BECAUSE YOU WANT IT!
This may undo the 'people pleasing & making others happy' pattern that has been in you since childhood. The whole point is to finally regain your lost self and your lost needs & desires that have been buried under 'pleasing others' behavior.
After you have worked at writing down what you want - it might take several days or even weeks, your next step is to set about GETTING WHAT YOU WANT. Not marrying someone you don't LOVE or want but go out and get what you truly want in life. This won't happen over night and you may have to work on it for a while so don't get involved with things and people you do not WANT to be involved with just to take the pressure off or you will be drawn back into Codependent patterns and loose your self again.
I wish you luck in finally becoming your self again and not just some unhappy 'people pleasing' victim.
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female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (17 September 2010):
 Hmmmm...
You are not attracted to her, but you can still muster enough to make love. I think this was convenient until it got serious, and their can't be anything more serious than marriage - and a paid wedding to boot. You DO realize that after any initial "honeymoon" period - that's when you first start having sex in your case - that newness and sexual interest does settle down from "that first spark". Most people marry because they love their partner and want to be with them for the rest of their lives; and can't picture themselves making a family with anyone else. We can't make this decision for you - but I am worried that you may be having a traditional case of "Cold Feet". Only YOU can decide which it is. Good Luck.
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A
female
reader, stephi23 +, writes (16 September 2010):
this must be really hard 4 u. u need to tell her b4 everybody gets hurt. to be honest i dont no if its just me but from the things you sed, is she with u cos she loves u and wants to marry u or r u the onli person she knows and u gave her attention. if u look at it her family r not over here ur the closest thing she is. she may feel the same way as u but needs the security from u xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2010): If you don't love her DON'T MARRY HER. Please don't... you will regret it. To be honest, you should have never allowed it to get to this point to begin with... lesson learned, Don't continue a relationship with someone you have doubts about loving or if you are unsure about having a solid future with that individual.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2010): Hello,
What a situation for you to find yourself in - and ONE I'm afraid you will have to take control off otherwise, you will end up in a FAR WORSE situation that you are now.
I cannot help feeling that your intense beliefs on a religious level is playing a huge part in your predicament, that said, whether or not, I support those beliefs is irrelevant, as you have more pressing matters approaching you at break neck speed.
The first thing you need to do is to START taking control of YOUR life - as the reason everything has caught up with you, such as ending up with a live-in girlfriend who you do not find attractive ( I'm afraid ONLY 15% attraction does not count towards reasons for marrying someone) From your question I DON'T SEE any redeeming features to this relationship you're in - sorry, but no point in giving advice IF you have to watch what you say, or withhold advice that may just WAKE someone UP from their world of NON-DECISION making.
This is NOT meant in anyway to be harsh or unfeeling, but being overly ' cry on a virtual shoulder attitude ' is NOT going to help you, in fact I think it would assist you to continue in taking control of your own life, making decisions that WILL and DO upset others - that I'm afraid is part of life, and without the fear of repeating myself, this is very much the reason you now don't know what to do.
It may well be admirable to have ideals that mean you don't sleep with someone before marriage, but NOT if it doesn't play a realistic part in current day life - NOR if it prevents someone (YOU) from reaching your real potential as a person in your own right, and lastly PREVENT you from making the RIGHT CHOICES for a lifetime partner.
As for someone saying you have ' DOUBTS ' I don't think doubts come into it, as YOU CLEARLY do NOT feel attracted to this woman, nor love her in the way that is NEEDED for marriage. DOUBTS would be, IF you had fallen in love, still madly attracted physically, at least 85%, and you LOVE her as a person, and you can't see yourself EVER without her, but you're just becoming a bit shaky as the wedding day nears. THAT would CLARIFY as DOUBTS, and that is NOT YOU!
To make wise choices for a partner, you need to date several different people over a few years, which would have given you some idea the kind of female you are ultimately attracted to, both emotionally and physically. You are in essence like a child without any previous experience trying to make a lifetime's COMMITMENT..Please CALL IT OFF!
As for financial cost of a divorce, which WILL happen without doubt to you if you do not stop this wedding- The REAL COST though, is the COST of EMOTIONAL fall-out from taking this relationship further than it should be taken.
Marriage is damn hard, it's a real long journey of everyday life, it 's NOT dating and romance all the time, it's bills,it's seeing that ONE person every single day, who may put on weight, who will age, who will become your shadow for ever after - that is WHY you must REALLY, REALLY LOVE the person you marry, as that is what will HOLD it together during the tough times, and ALL marriages have time times.
Additionally my advice would be to get some counselling on your problem ( your words) of not being able to TELL people things they may not want to hear. One can be ASSERTIVE and SENSITIVE, I think you need to learn both, so you do not get yourself, and ANYONE else into this situation again.
You should talk to your girlfriend, and YES it may be tough, but trust me, it will a hell of a lot TOUGHER if you ignore this and bury your head in the sand, it won't go away, it will only grow.
Please consider what I say - and try to open your mind to GROWING FIRST as a single man in your own right, before considering marriage. You are very young and have plenty of time to meet and fall in love with someone you will want 100%. DON'T ever compromise your life or anyone else's!
Jilly
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (16 September 2010):
 I agree with the other two Aunties/Uncles.. You need to cancel this wedding or at least postpone it.
I don't know if what you are feeling is a case of cold feet or something deeper.
By getting married when THIS is how you feel, you are not doing ANYONE a favor. YES, it will hurt her feelings big time, but how do you think she would feel if you went through with it and THEN found out you married her out of "pity" or a warped sense of "duty"?
You both deserve happiness. Maybe looking into finding a church and pastor/priest would be a good idea as well. Get yourself centered and grounded again.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (16 September 2010):
 Please do not get married the way you are feeling right now. You will only be hurting her and yourself even more than calling off the wedding would hurt.
My fiance was in a situation similar to yours in some ways. He is Japanese, and still a very traditional minded one in many ways. He had dated a girl(also Japanese) for 3 years. They were both finishing medical school. The girl, his parents and her parents were all expecting them to marry. He said he felt pressured to marry, but didn't think he loved her and wasn't ready. She asked HIM to marry her, and he was afraid/ashamed to turn her down and so he went along with the wishes of everyone but himself. He said they were both very unhappy, fought constantly, she started cheating, and 18 months later she filed for divorce. Divorce is still very much frowned on in Japan, so he was humiliated and felt he had shamed his family.
My point is... Don't do it...not for the reasons you are stating. You aren't ready, she may not even be the right girl for you. You have too many doubts, and trust me, going into a marriage when you aren't sure you even love someone is a disaster just waiting to happen.
Yes, you may hurt her, that's very true..but fighting or getting a divorce later on will hurt even more. Sit down, talk to her gently...you don't have to call it off forever..but you need time. Please do this for yourself. You deserve to be happy. And being in an unhappy loveless marriage is not a nice way to live! I wish you all the best.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2010): Please dont marry with all of this confusion in your heart. As Timm says, put things on hold and step back. Take some time to get your feelings sorted before you go on. Otherwise not only will you destroy yourself, but you will hurt everyone around you. You need to work on yourself first. Hurting and confused people are vulnerable. Im pretty sure thats why you are with her. If you loved her, you couldnt imagine getting thru the rest of your life without her. You wouldnt speak of it all so casually. I dont think you are in love. Mal
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A
female
reader, lam0111 +, writes (16 September 2010):
Oh boy.... the first thing that I MUST say without any doubt is you HAVE GOT TO TELL HER YOU'RE NOT READY TO GET MARRIED!!! I wouldn't tell her you're not attracted to her. Don't be mean, but be honest that you are not ready to get married and that you feel like you might need some time alone. Doesn't matter how much money has been spent... you WILL pay much more than money if you go through with this wedding! What if she gets pregnant right after the wedding and you feel that way about her? If you go through with this marriage feeling the way you do you will only feel even more guilty. Trust me guilt kills your own self esteem and you can't give what you don't have. This could have a profound effect on all of your future relationships.She will eventually forgive you and so will the families. It will not be over night and it will suck for a while, but everyone will move on. God will also forgive you when you are ready to ask for forgiveness. You have to be true to yourself first and who YOU are which encompasses your wants, needs, desires, ....YOUR truths. It's not being selfish to be true to yourself. A person will never be able to be true to anyone else if they do not know who they really are and show up as that person and not just someone doing what others want.
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female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (16 September 2010):
 Please do not marry someone you don't love. If you don't marry for love what will you be marrying for? Guilt. And divorce is pretty pricey.
I can't help but feel you felt obligated to marry her. Is it because her visa will be running out? There's too many obvious signs you shouldn't marry her, you feel guilty during sex, you think you love her, you have no experience with women, and you're not 100% attracted to her. Which is worse losing money from paying for a wedding that you canceled or making a life with a woman out of guilt at the expense of your happiness? You tell me.
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (16 September 2010):
 You both need to take a step back and think things over. Cancel the wedding for the time being. Just because you cancel it doesn't mean you can never get married to her in the future, but you've got too many doubts right now. It sounds like you've been doing everything for the wrong reasons. The worst thing you can do is get married with all of this doubt.
Take a step back and talk it over with her.
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