A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I met this guy online. We met, had a couple of dates then he said it wouldn't work. A few weeks later he contacted me again to see how I was and to apologize for hurting me. We now get together and see each other. He says we are just friends and don't get attached. When we are together, we talk, cuddle and have sex, several times. While we snuggle and talk, he is rubbing my arm and kissing my head the entire time. I want more than friendship but am confused as to what he really wants by the way he is with me. How do I know what he really wants in his heart and not just what he say?
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2007): I've been dating a man for 8 weeks. Last week we took a threee day weekend trip with our kids. It was the first time we met each other's kids. It went wonderfully! Everyone got along and we had fun by all accounts. Sunday night, after the kids were taken to their other parents, I stayed the night with him for the second time and all seemed great. The next morning he had an anxiety attack and we got together Monday night and talked about it. He said he felt ambivalent about starting a serious relationship because of some past issues that he was in therapy for. I said OK, perhpas he was not ready for a relationship, but we could go slow and that maybe we should keep the kids out of it until he felt more comfortable. He said he wanted to continue on in the relationship and even was upset when I was not available to see him for the next three days. I spent the night again, and - once more - the sex was wonderful and he told me he loved me several times. The next day he called to say hi, and I have not heard from him since. It has been only five days, but he has not even returned the three phones calls I have made to him. This has me very upset. I don't know what is going on and I don't know what to do except just pull away, leave him alone, and get on with my life. He's hurting me, but he also has hurt my daughter with this behaviour - though I have not said anything of this to her. I also believe this type of thing will hurt his two sons. Both took quite well to to me and my daughter.
What is going on? I ended a relationship four months ago where the man did the same thing after four months. Thankfully, we had not included the kids in anything as of yet when he did this. He called three weeks later apologizing but it was never the same afterwards and I had lost respect for him because of it.
I don't understand this behavior. If someone is having doubts, I think they should be talked about and a decision made as to how to proceed. To me, this disappearing act is childish. I suppose he was warning me that this would happen when is said he was feeling ambivalent, but I still think an announcement that he needs time away would have been appropriate. Am I being too judgemental regarding this?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2007): I met a man online seven months ago. For the first four months, he pursued, pursued, pursued. Called me six or more times a day. Gave me gifts. Was so concerned and caring. Missed me terribly, blah, blah, blah. Didn't push for sex for many dates and let me warm up to a physical relationship. Told me he loved me,blah, blah. One day, when I had the flu, and after he called for the fourth time by noon, I slipped and told him I thought I loved him. I do stupid things like that when I have a temperature. He disappeared for three weeks. I called twice during that time but stopped after a week and a half. Finally, looking for closure, I left a voice mail telling him I didn't understand but he obvioulsy ended our relationship and I thought he was cruel and cowardly.He emailed me the next day apologizing and telling me all these wonderful things. Then he called and apologized and told me all these wonderful things. And we got back together.Things changed. He sent mixed messages. He wanted to be close. He wanted to justt be friends. He wanted to talk, make love, cuddle for hours. But he said he didn't have any feelings for me, other than he liked me. Nothing else. He said I was not in his thoughts when he was away and that he didn't miss me when he traveled for business and was gone for a couple of weeks. And his phone calls did go down to once a day with an occassional email.After a couple of months of this, I spent a week trying to find out what was going on and he would not respond. I told him that he obvioulsy wasn't into me anymore and said we should both move on. He freaked.Then he responded with an email confession that he was married, but that he cared about me, blah, blah, blah. He also was not going to go into the poor house from a divorce over an emotion like love. His words. This was three weeks ago. Then he pursued, pursued, pursued and when I temporairly lost my sanity and continued seeing him he decided that he didn't care about me again, but he wanted to touch, talk, "make love" and cuddle for hours. He wanted to be friends.If your guy wants to talk, touch, have sex and cuddle and just wants to be friends, and loves you one moment and doesn't the next, and says he doesn't think about you anymore, blah, blah, blah - move on! He's telling you that he is not interested no matter how interested he behaves. Intimacy and great sex are recreational pursuits for these men so don't let them use you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2007): The guy said he doesn't want a relationship. You heard him and understood his words. You have an answer whether you want to admit it or not.
What typically happens in these situations is that the girl will continue to sleep with the guy for a long time trying to forcibly turn it into an actual relationship. Of course her brain is saying sex = relationship, so therefore if she continues to sleep with him then it must be fair to eventually consider it a relationship no matter what he claims it is. And then if he does anything that a guy in a relationship wouldn't do (like start sleeping with someone else) then the girl feels betrayed & crushed & angry at him.
But that's not how it works. He said "no relationship." It's not his fault if you try to use your body as a tool to manipulate him into a situation he didn't want to be in. No amount of sleeping with him & spending time with him will ever make him "owe you" a relationship. Grow up. You're a f*ck-buddy unless he tells you otherwise.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2007): I am in a very similar situation...we are the best of friends, we share a deep emotional and intellectual connection, every minute together (or communicating by email or phone) is fun and comfortable, and now we are also in the middle of an exciting physical relationship (which I actually initiated)!
And yet while I have come to very much love him (not the infaturation kind.. the kind where I would be happy to be together always with him despite his faults - which I can see now at this point), he constantly confirms that we are just 'really good friends', especially to others, but also to me. He doesn't even consider me a girlfriend, although our relationship is such that we are MORE than what a boyfriend/girlfriend would involve.
I have recently 'outed' my love directly to him...straight up. I needed him to understand what I was feeling. He was completely spooked, and only because he is a man who knows himself well and has excellent character, he has not run away on me. But in order to keep him from running I had to reassure him that I didn't expect anything of him and that I would just deal with my emotions myself.
It is going to be an ongoing struggle for me... some days I'm feeling really used, the standard 'friends with benefits' girl. But we determined that he is in fact just living 'in the moment' and just can't comfortably deal with defining himself as being 'in a relationship' at this point. He loves what we have, and doesn't want to take on the 'responsibility' of committing to any labels.
It means I have to keep my guard up and try not to be hurt (which gets hard some days) by his inability to reciprocate emotionally. Sometimes I think it might actually be easier if he just turned tail and ran. But mostly I'm glad he is still around... who knows, some day he may be secure enough with me to commit. And if not, he is a pleasure to be with now.
But for you... if you do try to push the guy by laying your feelings out there, you are indeed 'confronting' and that is taking the huge risk that he may be unable or unwilling to cope (unlike my guy! Thankfully!). And then you may be looking at his back as he walks away.
Some people would say you should quit this situation... personally, I'm trying to use my 'friend' as inspiration.
I am trying to live more 'in the moment' myself - ask for nothing, and love what he does give me! It's a difficult process, but one which I think might get easier with time.. and in my case at least, he is worth it!
Good luck to you! This is probably the hardest place to be (having something right in front of you that you want so badly, but which you can't make yours), but if you can find happiness minute to minute, you might be able to make it work.
I would say however that if you ever find someone else beginning to interest you the same way, but who IS willing to commit to you, that will be the time that your 'friend' he will have to make a hard choice. But you will be the winner in the end!
Good luck with whatever you decide!
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2007): I'm in a similar situation so I know exactly how you are feeling..... desperately wanting him to want more but scared to ask in case you're told he doesn't! I think we have to accept that we are being used for sex, for the time being I can accept this, I enjoy the time I spend with him, but sooner or later we will have to make the decision to confront these men about what we really men to them.......... and I suspect we will then both be licking our emotional wounds! Why do we put up with it I can hear loads of you screaming at us.......... for me its because he gives me far more sexually and intimately than my husband does! I suspect that makes me as bad a person as he is!
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reader, ladybug  +, writes (23 July 2007):
 holaa!! dont trust him! he's one of the guy that would think of you in his spare time! it is very clear that he is not really interested with you, he only wants you for intimacy. the best thing you should do is to deeply confront him about your status, if he still refused to be committed, i think its about time to end up whatever relationship you have, this man dosent want a responsibility, you will only get hurt in the end.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2007): Are you serious? Do you really not understand this guy only wants sex? He said 'don't get attached' and he mets you and you have sex when you do. Good grief. Wake up.
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reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (17 July 2007):
 This shouldn't be about what he wants, its about what you want and Im going to be tough with you. This guy is using you for emotional support and sex, but he won't ever give you what you need. By stating that he just wants to be 'friends', he is effectively holding you at arms length (what a dastardly trick!!!)he gets all of the fun and none of the responsibility and you are allowing him the right to do so (and lets be honest...its making you feel bad!!!...uh oh...not good)You may be suffering from what we all suffer from time to time, and that is a little low self esteem. Being utilised by this man for token cuddles and no strings sex, makes you feel valued on some level...but it isnt the relationship you need and want ..is it?I suggest the next time he calls you up 'on a friendly basis' that you allow him to take you out or do whatever he does with you, but that you state to him that you don't want sex with him again. Tell him you thought it over and decided that 'You don't have sex with your other 'friends' so you don't think its appropriate to have sex with him again' Smile at him sympathetically as you do so and for effect pat his shoulder a little, state that your mind is made up and hold fast sister!!! then see if he still wants to be your friend.You don't need some half cut attempt at a relationship, your a full blooded emotional strong woman...and you want the whole nine yards!!!!Hold your head up girl and let them good men out there see you!!!!Aunty Em xx
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reader, Dunregi  +, writes (13 July 2007):
I guess you are really in a state of confusion.For you to know what he really wants, you ought to let action speaks loudest,He is very honest with you in the first place to have told you about his intentions which basically not based on a long term affair.You should know what he really wants in love that you may be not giving by may be just asking questions in jest or indirect to measure what he wants in a mature relationship.If you happen to know after, that you two can never be together,the best way is to move on my dear or else you will end up being his sex object.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2007): i read your story, you know what i think he just want to play or maybe he himself was confused too. you already had an intimate time so you must ask him what is your standing to his heart.ask him if he got a girlfriend or if his married.
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reader, Danielepew  +, writes (13 July 2007):
 I agree with Lisag.
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female
reader, LISAG +, writes (13 July 2007):
 He has clearly stated his intentions - "just friends" (with added benefits by the sounds of things)! He says "dont get attached" - he is being honest and knows that there is obviously no future in his mind with you. He is just after sex/affection Im afraid. When a man plays the "friend" card that is all it is - he wants to keep you as a friend. Men who want you as a girlfriend make it blatently obvious. Up to you if you want this to continue, you would be hurting yourself in the long run I think. If men want something in their heart they don't mess about being "friends" to get it. The only positive side to this is that he's being very honest by telling you it's just friends, some men will string you along for ages wasting your time whilst you wonder what's going on. He's telling you straight, believe what he's saying. I'd suggest finding someone who wants you as more than "just friends". You must feel that in your heart deep down, else you wouldn't be here asking for advice and feeling confused. When a man really wants you as "his" - he makes it very clear - you're not left confused/wondering/wanting more than you're getting ! Good luck! I'd get rid.
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reader, nigelfuxwell +, writes (13 July 2007):
 Sounds like he's not ready for commitment, or he's afraid to trust. From the outside looking in (based solely on what you wrote) he wants all the benefits of a relationship without the responsiblity of one. Contrary to what the mass media says, men aren't really afraid of commitment. Men just don't always know what they really want. I know. I'm a man in every aspect, good bad or indifferent.
Evidently, this gentleman wants affection, sex and friendship The reasons why he's like that could be one of many things, but from what I've seen the reasons are usually as follows:
1)Worst case scenario - he's a player. May be hard to believe, but you have to keep your eyes open for signs. You met on the internet, which is not bad in itself, but even men who go online for dating with the best of intentions can become seduced by the options and variety of women. After enough dates, you learn how to get what you want from all of them without having to settle for just one. Sounds horrible, but it's true. Ask yourself - does his phone get quickly silenced when it rings? Does he disappear with no call or email for days at a time? Does his phone ever ring? (That could be because its on silent all the time...hmmm...)
Trust me, I know all the little tricks.
2) He's been hurt before, and doesn't want to get into anything serious very fast. This is common, men are a lot more sensitive than we let on, but sometimes we have trouble dealing with the emotions that come with pain or rejection. Is there a former love in his life that he hasn't fully let go of yet?
3) He smells desperation. This is gonna sting, but I have to be brutal. Love is brutal. Have you mentioned to him that you WANT a relationship with him? How ling have you oknown each other? Why did he disappear after the first couple of dates? The reason I ask is because women can sometimes carry the aroma of desperation when they find someone they feel they could "spend their life with" They may not say it in so many words, but certain key phrases heard by men trigger the "uh oh... we got a live one here" alarm. What I mean is, regardless of what you think could or couldn't happen, never ever ever ever ever ever EVER tell a man that until you've been together long enough to be comfortable together, or unless he breaks that ice. You don't have to play games, or act coy (although sometimes it may help), just be cool... See this thing for what it is. He's one out of about 6.4 billion people on the planet.
Now, in case you haven't noticed, men don't view sex the same as women. Sex = emotional attachment to the average woman. Sex = fun time and fluid release to the average man. So if this is not going to be what you want, you have a decision to make NOW... What are you prepared to accept? Are you at a point in your life where you're ok with a booty call? Because regardless of hair stroking and touching, that's about all it is right now.
If you want the real thing, you have to decide what you're willing to put up with. The heart can make you do some crazy stuff, but your brain is there to protect your heart from the pain it ususally winds up getting itself into. Abre Los Ojos. Open your eyes and see what it really is. I can't tell from this side of the computer monitor, because I obviously don't have all the facts. But if you're honest with yourself, you'll come to the right conclusion for YOU.
Hope that helps.
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reader, O Connor  +, writes (13 July 2007):
 you need to get out before you get seriously hurt. this guy is taking you for a ride and getting wat he wants from you in the process. if you completely sever ties with him then he will either realise wat he wants or else you can move on and meet someone that gives back to you wat you give to them. trust me get out now before you get your heart broken - there are plenty more guys out there who would bend over backwards to do anything for you!!
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