A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend has told me that he doesn't want a girlfriend who wants to go clubbing and drink. We have been together for 2 years, we met at a club and for the first 6 months always went clubbing together and we went to every music festival together.i dont go clubbing to get smashed, i love dancing, socializing and having a few social drinks. i love getting dressed up (no not for attention, just the whole getting ready ritual with the girls). we used to have so much fun going out together, but now he has changed in the past couple of months and says he never wants to go again, and because he doesnt i cant.if i go without him we get into a huge fight and most likely break up and he will ruin my night calling me all night making fights.. i am 20, he is only 24 but will refuse to have a night out, or even go to a music festival. there are 2 festivals coming up i REALLY want to go to see the acts but he says no and because he wont go i cant. some good friends birthdays are coming up and i know he wont come to them so he will not want me to go.. i dont want to lose all my friends! i want to go out and have fun, is that so bad? is there something wrong with wanting to go clubbing? he thinks i want to go chat up guys and get wasted.i am a hip hop dancer and he says "hip hop dancing is for sluts" what the hell! its not freaking stripping
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2010): Some people here seem to be suggesting that women should give up the clubbing life when they enter into a relationship?!?! I'm sorry but I've never heard such a load of rubbish in my life. Clubbing is NOT exclusively for singles, yes a lot of single people do go clubbing but so do many people in healthy and happy relationships, I should know cos I'm one of them. Women do not dress up exclusively for men, believe it or not we're not always thinking about you lot and sometimes like to look nice for ourselves and our self esteem, and if that means highlighting your best features then so be it! I am happy for my boyfriend to go clubbing without me because I know that he loves me and would never do anything I didn't like with another girl. Similarly, I would never act inappropriately with another man. Socializing, dancing and letting your hair down is all part of being human, and any boyfriend trying to stop you enjoying yourself with your friends isn't a very brilliant one. I go out mostly once a week and occasionally twice a week because I am at uni and am making the most of my freedom and free time while it lasts. I think as long as it doesn't enter into extreme cases of going out every other night or acting provactively around other men, going clubbing with or without your partner is completely acceptable and healthy. The boyfriend in question is having some serious control issues and I think you've reached the stage when you need to give him an ultimatum, however hard that may be - either he lets you live your own life more or he's not going to be a part of it.
A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (12 March 2010):
 Hip hop dancing as a contact sport.. hahahahaha... this is a new idea to me.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (12 March 2010):
mmmmm... my culture is different.. clubbing, parties, music are all important. People expect to be able to go out and have fun, either together as a couple or in a group of friends. The idea that going out to dance is only an excuse to pick up a man or woman is laughable. My mother and father both went out dancing until the ages of 60 odd and have only stopped because of illness. Music and dancing is seen as a way to keep my community going.
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A
female
reader, hijacked_dignity  +, writes (12 March 2010):
 "i appreciate advice but don't make so many assumptions next time."
Well next time maybe you should state that you don't dress up while going to the club. I think it would be safe to assume that by when you said "dressed up", you dress up like every girl out there that goes CLUBBING. And that isn't exactly in jeans and a tee. To dress up is to show yourself off physically.
You act like I live a sheltered life, but I know exactly what goes on when the girls go out for a romp in a club. It's the same thing that I used to do. Hip hop dancing is provocative. You can't deny that. You can try to disguise it all you want, but everyone knows what it is. I'm not saying it's a bad thing, it just can be suggestive. The way you make this issue such a big deal in your relationship, it makes you sound like you go clubbing quite often. If this all wasn't such a "big deal", and everything was totally innocent and care free, I doubt your boyfriend would be feeling this uncomfortable. I mean do you really have to go clubbing? There are a ton of other activities that you and your friends COULD do, but you choose not to. Which you have every right to do, but don't expect your boyfriend to just deal with it. He isn't being controlling, he's just telling you how he feels. When you are in a serious relationship, there has to be sacrifices. If you aren't ready to do this, then maybe you should consider being single.
I just think there is a huge double standard when it comes to these questions. If there was ever any woman complaining about her boyfriend going clubbing with his mates and the girl feeling extremely uncomfortable with things (him getting 'dressed up' etc), then there would be a cry for her to break up with him, or for him at least to compromise. The first six months are the fun dating stage, and after that, things get rather serious. That's what happened. Clubbing was fun and all for him when you two first started dating, but you have become a lot more closer. And you can't argue that MOST people who go alone (or with friends) to a club are single. They are looking to have fun and mingle with the opposite sex. Sorry. You can try to disguise it all you want.
To be honest, his views on it are never going to change. And it will always be a fight. So you have to decide whether you calm down a bit and perhaps cut the entire clubbing scene for a while (which shouldn't be difficult, seeing as you say it's only twice a month) and bring him along to parties and festivals. Warn him that you aren't going to leave early, and that he's there for the long haul. OR you can dump him. You can't change him, and you can't talk him out of this. I'm still on his side on it. No one should have to hide their discomfort levels, especially with a partner they intend on staying with for a while.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2010):
I'm on the guys side on this. My girlfriend and I have been dating for a year and half and it really does bug me when she wants to go to a frat party or somethign without me because I'm busy that night with work or out of town.
We (men) get jealous easily, and you should take that as a compliment that he feels so insecure about you going out by yourself, because he thinks that you're a catch. It's not that he doesn't trust you, it's that he doesn't trust other GUYS.
You're in a relationship now (2 years), you do need to make compromises. Find the fair ground, tell him that going to these parties are important to you and that it's even more important to you that he comes with you and enjoys himself as well. If you're going around enjoying by yourself without him, than you guys should probably break up.
We all get into a relationship because we feel needed; if you don't need him, what's the point?
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A
female
reader, mizz.butterflies +, writes (10 March 2010):
 I'm so sorry for what you're going through.its extremely ANNOYING when someone has changed so dramatically! the guy is plain insecure. Oh he met you in a club but now dancing is for sluts? give me a break.you sound like a smart lady who has her head on her shoulders. he's not on your level. Find yourself a better guy.Noone can tell you what to do. hes not worth losing all your friends.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (10 March 2010):
 Try to strike a common ground and if this is impossible ,I don't know how you can get along with each other.
You have too contrasting styles and the chasm is too wide to bridge.
Your different perspective will put a great strain on your relationship .
If there is love, you can still overcome your differences.
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A
male
reader, Kenj +, writes (10 March 2010):
 It sounds like he has a lot to learn about how to treat a woman with respect.
Hes trying to control your life, seeing you as his property.
Plus he is a very insecure guy, not good :(
Relationships need trust and respect for each other.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (10 March 2010):
"hip hop dancing is for sluts" ..... wow, he is a judgemental kind of guy.
Your only 20, much too young to settle down at home with hot chocolate and the TV. You will feel locked up and claustrophobic living like this, you will loose all your friends and feel old before your time.
Do not stop your dancing, clubbing or going to festival. Do not argue, just tell him that it's an important part of your personality that will not change and is not up for discussion. He has no right to ask this sacrifice from you. I like dancing and clubbing too and would leave a man in a minute if he tried to keep me stuck at home.
He hates dancing and partying, you don't. He has no right to change you into something your not. Stuck at home with this "old man" will make you feel resentful in the future when you look at what you've missed by being with him. 20year olds party and have fun, they don't stay at home watching music on TV.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionif i chose to do what he wants now, when will it ever stop? he will think he will get his way with EVERYTHING. i want to put my foot down and say this is how it will be.we have already tried compromise, it doesn't work. we agreed i would go out on birthdays and special occasions and he would come but when he comes all he does is whine all night and make me go home about an hour after we got there. he just stands there too, he wont ever dance or try to get into it talk to my friends. then he is always like omg how did you have fun? umm i didnt because you just whinged all night!and my boyfriend always gets my attention, i just dont want to neglect my friends on their birthdays, which is what my bf wants. i spend every weekend with him, i am not prioritizing my friends, im not going to completely bar them just because i got a boyfriend.
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A
male
reader, Brunel  +, writes (10 March 2010):
I guess this relationship has run its course. He is controllling and maybe jealous! Move on now.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (10 March 2010):
It looks like you both have incompatible needs.It is either you choose his way or you go your way or maybe you can find a middle course (compromise) .
When you are single , your friends are very important but when you are in a relationship, you will have to take into considerations your partner's feelings.
Your friends importance will diminished while your b/f will increase.
If you still think that your friends are more important than your b/f, then your relationship will bound to suffer and will be buffeted by strong winds.
If you love and respect your b/f, you should agree with him or you will soon feel the coldness in your relationship.
Which are your priorities?
Bright lights and attentions
Friends
B/f
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A
female
reader, kitkatty +, writes (10 March 2010):
I don't know you or your boyfriend, but it sounds like he is no fun, and wants to sit home and be a couch potato. There is a happy medium. I love to go out, but not every night, maybe once a week. My husband would rather that be once, at very most twice a month. We meet somewhere in the middle. If you are dying to go party, and he would rather sleep and vegetate, then it sounds to me like you are incompatible. These differences only get worse and worse as your marriage ages. Doesn't mean anybody is wrong, it just seems like you are not in love, or you would be willing to sleep in an igloo to be together.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (10 March 2010):
I think if you got out clubbing REGULARLY like every week or even a few times a month, I think that would make any partner feel uncomfortable. Clubbing is typically where single people go to mingle and yes, sometimes you'll find couples that go together. I could see if it was a few times a year for special occasions like birthdays or other celebrations, then that would be okay in my opinion, but I think he should come with some of the time.
I think he's being stubborn and just not going to anything at all because he's upset that you're always going out to party. Maybe he'll be more agreeable to go to the music festivals with you if you decide to tone it down a bit. Relationships consist of compromise, so as well as you compromising, he needs to also.
So yes, it is bad to go clubbing all the time when in a relationship. Find some other things you two can do together. There's more things to do than go party every weekend. Talk to him about it and let him know that you're willing to compromise and go clubbing on special occasions, but you would like him to join and that instead of clubbing find out what he would like to do. Remember it's compromise. If you two can't come to a common ground, then you may just have to realize that you two have different interests and agendas and it's not going to work if you two are on different pages.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2010): I know this may sound insincere.. But i absolutley mean everything i say as adice not as accusations. Ok that said. Has either one of you done anything "regreatable" while out. I was in a situation that due to going out she chose a poor path. I dont think that your intetions are there but you are young (as was she) and sometimes things dont go as planned. however regardless of the past he must trust you and if he can not then you should consider changing your relatioship. Its easier said than done but you have to balance your lives with each other make each other feel comfortable and trusted. A few tips from me if you dont mind...1. When you go out make sure that you dont dance with other men. This is a huge boundry for us.2 Come home at a decent hour. 4am is way too late and anything after 2 breeds danger.3. Listen to him. he may not say why hes scared but i can guaruntee he's telling you.4. Dont expect him to know what you want. Tell him.dont take this as me saying this cuz im a guy but rather take it as truth.#10 - Not Doing the Little Things - Movies show marriages as grand loves. But, in the real world, marriages are made up of the little things - taking out the trash, picking up the kids from school. If there are frusterations over the little things, it can erode the whole marriage.# 9 - Sweating the small stuff - As a counterpoint, if you stress out over unimportant things, you are dooming your marriage to the dumpster.#8 - Spending too much time apart - If friends, work, or hobbies take too much time away from your marriage, the bonds can begin to erode.#7 - Criticizing and nagging - These two things can eat away at the soul of a marriage.#6 - Not consulting the other person about purchases - The family budget must cover the family needs. If one person makes purchases that significantly impact the overall budget without consulting the other person, there is going to be hurt and anger.#5 - Letting yourself go - You spent a considerable amount of effort pursuing and attracting your spouse. That effort shouldn't have ended on your wedding day or soon thereafter. If you are no longer working to make yourself attractive to your spouse, you must assume that he or she will look elsewhere.#4 - Playing the victim - Is it always his fault? Did she make you do it? If you feel like you are the victim in the relationship, it probably won't last much longer.#3 - Not fighting fair - You are entitled to your legitimate feelings, but when disagreements occur, you must keep your arguments real and relevant. Avoid character assassination. Remain task oriented rather than accusatory. And, allow your partner to retreat with dignity.#2 - Spilling secrets - There are things in your marriage that should only be between the two of you. When you tell your friends or family members about things that shouldn't be shared, you erode the bonds of the marriage. This is a matter of trust.#1 - No sex - When the sex has gone out of the marriage, the relationship is in trouble. Unless you can rekindle the flame, you are probably headed to divorce court.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhijacked dignity, whoa talk about assumptions!1. hip hop dancing is in no way 'freak dancing' it does not involve dancing with other people for me. its choreographed routines to music, not bumping and grinding! do you live in a guarded existence? are you one of those people who immediately discriminate as soon as you see the word "hip hop" ? quick to judge, i have been dealing with people like that my whole life! 2. me and my friends probably go out once a month or two, so no its obviously not all we do together3. i invite him every time, its not as if its a situation where i say i am going alone, i pretty much beg him to come4. you insinuate i dress like a slut "to fit the assets" how the hell would you know what i wear going out?5. in the first 6 months we were together (no longer single, incase you don't understand) we went clubbing almost every week, with HIS friends. his friends go still every week, and they are all in relationshipsit is a very skewed perception that you can only club when you are single, i'm sure people go there to pick up but i'm not interested in talking to other men when i'm out. i don't understand how from my question you got that i act as if i am single? i don't even talk to men when out LOLi appreciate advice but don't make so many assumptions next time.
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A
female
reader, hijacked_dignity +, writes (10 March 2010):
Hey, I have to agree with him on this one. If your boyfriend was dressing up nice and going to clubs without you with all his guy friends, and then 'hip hop' dancing...or 'freak' dancing in other words, I think you would be upset too. There is really no reason to get dolled up and go out to the club anymore acting like you don't have a boyfriend. I think that if roles were reversed, there would be a lot of people feeling bad for you and saying what a crappy boyfriend you have to be honest.
You say you don't get dolled up for attention, but you do. There is really no other reason why to go through all that work of putting on all that make up and doing your hair and dressing to fit the assets. The only reason anyone puts that much effort in how they look is because they want people to notice how they look. Believe me, I know. I'm a girl too and I did go clubbing before I met my boyfriend. The fact is, you are living the single life. If you were going to a bar and just drinking with your friends casually, I'd understand where you're coming from. But basically, you're acting that you don't have a boyfriend. And I have seen/done the dancing you're doing, and it's enough to make any committed partner feel uncomfortable. He calls you a lot while you are out because he feels bad in what's going on. You may have met clubbing, but you did so while single. It's where single people go to have fun and pick people up. That's why he associates you clubbing with being disrespectful behavior. That's how he got you, and that's how you can get other people.
To be honest, when you are in a committed and serious relationship, sometimes you have to sacrifice things. If dressing up and getting up in other people's space is something that you really like to do, then maybe you aren't ready to have a boyfriend yet to be honest. If clubbing is all you and your friends do together, then I wouldn't exactly say you are really good friends to begin with. All I know is that if the roles were reversed, and after two years of being with someone they were still dressing up and freak dancing with other people (which can be rather slutty, we both know that), drinking and all that other stuff, then you'd be upset. Living the single lifestyle while in a relationship isn't fair. Maybe you should listen to him a bit.
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A
female
reader, natnatxxx +, writes (10 March 2010):
 If he is controlling your life like this you need to sit down and have a serious talk with him. Your young and this is the main time of your life where your making your own decisions and doing what you want when you want. So why are you letting an insecure boyfriend tell you what you can and can't do like parents do to a child!? Talk to him and tell him this is not on and if he is insecure and cant trust you out with your friends then its over. If he cant trust you, which it's obvious he can't by not letting you go out to socialise without him, then theres no point being together. Relationships are built on trust. If he doesn't want to socialise, you shouldnt have to suffer. Though relationships are about giving and taking, it looks like he's calling all the shots. And he shouldn't be allowed to get away with that!
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female
reader, _Katy_Did_ +, writes (10 March 2010):
 He's a jerk. Find someone who won't try to control your life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 March 2010): Sounds like he is insecure and possessive. You should do what you like to do, and he should not try to control you. Perhaps you can talk it out and have your friends vouch for you. If you don't want him calling you all night then arrange a time to talk to him and tell him that's his time. Most likely he wants your undivided attention.
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A
female
reader, veronika +, writes (10 March 2010):
 This man is controlling. That should be a very big red flag for you.
You see, I don't think it's about the fact that he doesn't want you to have fun. He is insecure and probably thinks you're going to go to a club and pick up some guy and cheat on him. So by saying you cannot go out, he is controlling who you see and what you do because of his own insecurities. It's selfish and if I were you I'd be running in the opposite direction far, far away from him.
This isn't right. Why don't you just tell him what you think? Why don't you just tell him that he can't control every thing you do?
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A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (10 March 2010):
 Well I am afraid you have run into the timeless classic of having the boyfriend who wants to control you.
sorry I think most of us around your age went through it on either side. My ex never wanted me to go to a bar becuase she was a bartender and she always argued that I would find someone else.
Sorry but it goes both ways.
I am afraid that your only option at this point is to seek greener pastures. You are far too young to be subjected to this. Better off being by yourself. You dont need someone telling you what you cant do. I am sorry but your relationship is obviously not based on trust. He is jealous and it aint gonna get any better soon.
Take it from a guy old enough to be your father....get yourself another boyfriend.
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