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age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: How do I deal with this???Me and my girlfriend are in mad love, and could probably make it if there weren't these issues. One is that we both have very different views on lying. I view lying as not very glamorous but a part of life, its said that people lie all the time and don't even know their doing it. My opinions are A) Unless its about something stupid or necessary, its really not that big of a deal, and B) there is a big difference between using discretion and lying to someone. She views lying as a cardinal sin. All lies are treated equally no matter how big or small they are, even if there is good intention behind it. This has led to some problems. This summer my ex who I haven't heard from since we broke up(2 years ago) emails me complaining I've cut her out of my life. DUH. lol sorry anyways, I tell my GF about this (She hates my ex) and she is appropriately angry, so we tell my ex to call me to get closure and be done with it, that was the end of it for a while. She emails back saying she wants to do that in person and starts almost flirting with me. I panic, delete the email, block the ex and didn't tell my GF thinking that she would be better off not knowing that (AKA discretion). Months later my GF confronts me on if there was anything more to that email thread and I impulsively and foolishly say no. She doesn't believe me and eventually I crack and tell her about the email. She was absolutely furious at me, didn't trust me and pried for more info that wasn't there. I admit I handled it poorly, and I know your supposed to be able to tell your significant other everything, but everyone knows there are special exceptions and this was most definitely one of them. I feel like my heart was in the right place with this one and genuinely thought i was sparing her unnecessary worry. But she considers it as a deal breaker lie and really hasn't trusted me since, and now the smallest fib that no person should get upset over will completely set her off. Its really hard to convey whats all going on here, but I need either to be put in my place or give me some advice here to explain my side better Thanks!
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (22 November 2010):
 Is not really in need of clinical help or toxic, I'd say thats an overstatement. His girlfriend is insecure and a bit on the jealous side. So she checked his history, and he smokes pot, none of them are any better than the other and neither should people try and be perfect. No one is perfect. I don't think you need to run. I think you need to stick to honesty, yes, but you are also allowed to watch whatever you please. If you have a personal thing against watching porn, that is fine, and you had a moment where you wanted to watch raunchy comedies, you are the only one who could judge yourself on that. If it was ok with YOU, then it's really no one else's business what you watch. It's definitely not your girlfriends business.
If you think she is worth fighting for, then I trust you on that, it's not up to us to judge whether you should leave or not. A lot of people are insecure, and no one is perfect like I said. But you and her need to have a few ground rules on whats acceptable in your relationship. Her going through your history is something she is allowed to do as well if she pleases, but she is not to be allowed to start a fight with you over it or judge you over it. You didn't watch child pornography, or anything disturbing signaling you need help.
You say she's worth a lot, well so are you. A relationship is between two equal partners, not one being in control over what the other does. Your girlfriend in reality only has as much control over you as you let her! So have the talk, lay down the law, and don't let her bully you around. If she can't accept who you are then she needs to find someone else. It's not weird, or odd, or disturbing at all to watch raunchy comedies. Tons of people watch that.
A
male
reader, dirtball  +, writes (22 November 2010):
 Run dude! Run!!! Echo is dead on. After seeing your GF's post you need to get out of this toxic relationship. She needs clinical help.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, im certainly amazed at how many responses came out of this already. Theres quite the interesting update here from us and It only happened last night. She wanted to use my Netflix account last night, and what I forgot about was the fact that one night a few weeks ago I was stoned in the middle of the night, I was mad at the fact that I couldnt watch most things I used to enjoy watching before the relationship, so I went to the raunchy comedy section and saw movies like national lampoons van wilder, dorm daze etc. So anyways, within 5 minutes of letting her have my account, she was already scoping my entire netflix history and sure enough found those. I had completely forgot about this and felt instant shame. But, I came clean about it. I didnt deny it at all and just went to instant grovel mode. If I had not done that and denied it at all, you would all be talking to a single person right now. But it was tough cause she was telling me to recollect every little detail, but I couldnt, I was stoned and anyone who has been in a similar state can tell you thats like trying to remember how to do a puzzle with a blindfold. So, she forgave me and told me not to worry about it but im still really mad at myself for this. I used to watch porn before dating her but after that its been abstinence by choice for a good year and change. So i told her that nothing like this would ever happen again, I'm not gonna smoke on my own anymore, even though its about the only thing i do seeing as im allergic to alcohol, dont smoke cigs, dont drink coffee energy drinks anything. You guys must understand that although this seems ridiculous, she is worth it to me. I like the debate going on here about lying and would like that to continue but this I thought should mention as it directly relates to the topic. But really what I need is help on how to turn this around. This has been a series of extremely unfortunate events but Im in the middle of my final year in electrical engineering with exams a couple weeks away and a break up is the absolute last thing I could handle right nowThank you for all the thoughtful comments even if they are not on my side. I really cant share this with anyone else and it really helps me get a reality check.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2010): I feel like she's over reacting a little bit. I mean it sucks to be lied to, especially about ex girlfriend BS, because most people are extremely insecure about that. True, she's over reacting a little bit, but still.
Don't lie to her. She's your girlfriend. She's the person you're supposed to trust the most and is supposed to trust you the most. Little secrets that come up and get resolved when they're young are sooo much easier to forgive and forget. The ones that ferment, like your situation, are horrible and lose trust lie she did.
I think that this time, you should kiss her ass. Tell her that you didn't want to tell her cause you thought you could spare her feelings and blah blah. I love you blah blah.
Please don't lie to her. Lies that seem fine to you can chip away at other peoples sense of security.
Tell her things. Be honest. Give the most you can give.
That's all I want from a boyfriend, anyway.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2010): trust is important, but your girl friend sounds extremely delusional. even if you told her the truth on everything, she still wouldnt believe you by the sounds of it. i say as long as you arent doing anything to her that you wouldnt want done to you, your fine, and shes probably just as dramatic about the deal breaker thing as she has been about the lie thing. good luck
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2010): Well, you are a liar of opportunity.
She's probably a liar of necessity.
Lies beget lies beget lies beget lies. If you must lie, you should do so only for good, that way all the lies that come after that to cover up the initial lie will all be for good as well (like keeping the Jews in your cellar safe from the Nazi's).
Yeah, she should consider it a deal breaker at your age.
You should not think "I'm a bad person and a liar and that's just the way that I am." as that is an excuse to keep lying. What you should do is figure out why you don't have the courage and self discipline and respect for yourself and others to be truthful with them.
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (19 November 2010):
Someone lying to a direct question I see as a lie no matter if its big or small. If its something small I don't see the need to lie about it in the first place, and it only makes me think that if a person can lie about something so small, then they are surely abel to lie about the important things.
And for all you know, this could have been more important to her than you thought. You should both try and respect each others views though, in order to make a relationship work, because rarely do people see eye to eye on everything.
I also do think it is NOT acceptable to lie at all. White lies, fine, but if someone asks you a direct question like this it is not a white lie at all. A white lie is when you say "you look gorgeous" when your girlfriend just fell into a pond and is covered with mud.
These types of lies that you are telling your girlfriend however will only make it sound like you are covering up something, that you have things to hide, and that there is something else going on that you aren't telling her. Using discretion is fine, like you didn't bother mentioning the second e-mail your ex sent. But when she asked you about it, you could still be honest without having to go into detail, so you could have still been discrete.
If lying is a deal breaker to her you should respect that, but she should have also clarified her deal breakers with you at the point where you became a serious couple. She can't throw that out in the aftermath when it's never been up for discussion before. You need to have a talk to her about this, and see where and how you can compromise.
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female
reader, romany  +, writes (19 November 2010):
 I'm with quiet echo on this, she is manipulating the situation to be in control, and its wrong.
When it comes to lies, my opinion is like yours, give her the films Liar Liar and The invention of lying, and maybe she'll see that the implications of a world of no lies just dont work.
I also agree with Caring Guy that really, this is on a rocky road to failure, if she is really this headstrong and needing to be involved in everything you think and do, it aint gonna be long before she suffocates you, as I dont think your the type to lay down and say 'yes dear, your right dear'.
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female
reader, No watered down advice here! +, writes (19 November 2010):
 There NO such as A FREE LIE, Somebody PAY for the lies you tell in LIFE and in this case it's HER! She's paying because YOU decided that to tell a LIE was harmless! Not TRUE! They harm Somebody, Somewhere! I feel to DECIDE what a person can and can't handle is very judgmental! She probably could have handled you telling her about the email, and that's the part that make most women upset,is that YOU decide for US what we can and can not handle. My advice would be to never underestimate her ability to HANDLE the TRUTH! And what can you say to make it better? Tell her" You're sorry for making a decision for her, and that for now on you will include her in ALL decisions you make that can affect the relationship, *Hence no more LIES* No Watered Down Advice HERE!
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (19 November 2010):
 You are right in theory and wrong in practice.
It's true that everybody says white lies , and that not any lie is a major breech of trust .
But : who gets to decide what's major and what's minor ?
The liar unilaterally ? Why ?
What for me is "being discrete " ,for you could be "being dishonest or manipulative ". So, you and I should be very very sure we are on the same page about the meaning and value we give to some things,- and in case this is not totally known or certain, always tell the truth.
Forgive me but I think your view of honest communication is a tad immature. Very often people do not tell the truth, not because they want to protect their partner's feelings or save them unnecessary worries..... but just because they want to save THEMSELVES reproaches or recriminations. They don't want to be told off, that's all = they don't want to take responsibility for their actions.
I saw it happening quite often with my son when he was a teenager. He's do some minor silly mistake, and he would cover it with a lie. When caught , and asked " Why didn't you tell me the truth " his standard answer was : because I knew you'd get mad.
Well, obvious I 'd get mad. Son screws up, mom gets mad, that's normal. But I now I am MUCH madder, because you did some minor foolishness AND because you lied, which I hate !
You slip up, make a blunder,whatever- you admit it, and you take your flak if there's any to take. That's how adult world should be. Most of the times , "discretion " is just another way to say " I can't bother being criticized ".
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (19 November 2010):
To be honest, sometimes we have to lie. Your girlfriend sees it as a cardinal sin, yet even in most religions, it doesn't make the commandments. There are some things you can't lie about. There are some things you may have to lie about here and there (hopefully not many).
Admittedly, you did screw up a little in the way you handled it. Knowing that your girlfriend seems to be a person who doesn't like lies, she would have been better off knowing. Your heart was in the right place, I don't doubt that. and this brings me to my second point.
Basically, your girlfriend is jealous and paranoid. I understand people don't like being lied to. In a relationship, you realistically shouldn't have to lie. But you seem to be at the stage where you're stuck. If you lie, you're in trouble. If you don't lie, you're in trouble.
I don't see this working out. I think it's gone too far, and I don't see any way that you can make it better. To be honest, you'd be better just ending and moving on. If she can't trust you, then there is no relationship.
Also, with future relationships, be careful about how much you do lie. No more small fibs, for example.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (19 November 2010):
 Neither of you are wrong but neither of you are right either. I believe that she has a right to get suspicious after you kept something like that from her, it is makes the situation appear as though there is more too it so, her reaction is understandable and, I do agree that your heart was indeed in the right place, still, it is regrettable you did not tell her. Honesty is important to a relationship.
Are you sure she is overreacting to 'white lies' as well? Lies with the best of intentions, a surprise birthday party for example? I suppose she cannot help how she feels about lies but she does need to know when to calm down about things if they are indeed miniscule. Then again, what you see as being miniscule and what she sees as being miniscule could be two different things. Talk to her about it, this is important. It will give you a chance to understand her perspective and it will give you a chance to express yours.
I hope that helps.
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