A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:Where do I start. I am a 49 year old widower who is involved with a lovely woman who is in an abusive relationship which is beginning to turn into a nightmare for her. Unfortunately there are children involved, my son is 28, a doctor and lives in Australia, but her children are 7, 13 and 16. The two older ones are from a previous relationship, but the 7 year old is with her current husband. She is trying to seperate and thats where the nightmare is. She recognises that he's controlling, verbally and physically abusive, but cant see a way out. Her 13yo daughter hates him and his attitude towards her is unbelieveable. Her son also has drug problem and all this stems from the controlling husband. He is a heavy drinker, obsessed with her and doesnt care a jot about the kids.The issue here is that she has told him that shes involved with me which has worsened the situation. He's in denial and just wont accept it, He also is heavily influencing the older boy, feeding him nonsense about me so that he can use him against his mother. The police have been informed and have a domestic abuse report filled in so they are aware.Now I am being as responsible as is humanly possible here and realise that her children must come first, not me, no matter how much I am worried about her, and I have had many sleepless nights. I have said that if she needs to 'park' me for the time being I completely understand, but she doesnt want to. I cant walk away from this as she needs my support and I need a little input as to what part I should play as I really value her and her family. I would be happy just to see her away from this man in the future, even if I'm not with her. If I am, then I would feel lucky!I would ask people not to advise me to walk away from this situation. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2010): Dear OP thanks for clarifying "being involved" with this married woman.
So u have not had sex but are involved in an emotional affair. Same difference?
Your wife used to help this woman out previously and now this MW is transferring her co dependence to you.
I am glad u say that u have morals then show it. Get her help from her abusive situation but stay away from married woman.
Are u now lonely ? Do u miss your wife therefore have taken on this woman's plight
. Would your dear wife have approved of a relationship bet u and her friend? I know that she is no longer but sometimes those kinds of boundaries should never be crossed..
This woman has trouble maintaining marriages and relationships. She will pull u down as she goes on. Do u really want to be husband no. 3?
LoveGirl
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2010): Okay, so you are involved in an emotional affair with the friend of your late wife. Your attachments to this woman may be rooted in the connection the two of you shared with your late wife.
Better to let the dust settle and figure those feelings out.
She's been with this man for 11 years by choice. Even with you in the picture she remains. Leave her alone to figure her own life out. You can be a friend but do not covet the relationship she has with her husband. That is not truly giving... as you are silently waiting for a payoff in the form of a relationship with her. Giving... is truly giving... without expectation of anything.
Think deeply about her relationship skills. She has been married and had children with two separate men and both marriages have failed. Why? Is there really anything such as 'bad luck' in a life of poor relationships? Or are we looking at something contributory on her part (which is more likely than not... the case).
When this marriage finally ends she'll be on to husband No. 3.
You claim to care about her, yet your involvement has created even more problems at home for her.
And you wonder whether you should step aside...
Sometimes loving someone means that you see them for who and what they are not ... who and what you want them to be. At a minimum... this woman doesn't know herself. And... your 'connection' to her may be nothing more than a desire to live out the connection to your late wife.
Sort it out.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (20 November 2010):
 OP,
this is not a matter of being judgemental. On can feel her heart bleed for you,- yet she is a married woman. Cheating is cheating, with or without sex. She told her husband she is involved with another man. Call it an emotional affair if you want, but it boils down that her loyalty and affection are not anymore with her husband, but with you.
What do you want, that the husband should be happy with that ? Should he toast to your health and give you his blessing ?.... I have no doubt he is a total jerk , and I
despise whomever abuses women- but if he were the most decent guy in the world, it would not be that different, he can't condone his wife 's ( emotional ) affair.
Ideally the best in this situation is that she'd stay away from you until she is legally separated. I understand it's not easy- but she is an adult woman, and she knows that when there's a will there's a way. One must be able to fight for what one really cares about- in this case, you. And she surely knows that she can count on your support,emotionally and hopefully also financially, if needs be.
So the cleanest thing would be for you to stay out of the picture until she finally leaves her husband.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2010): ok lets add a few facts here, i am the original poster and i'm afraid the people who are being judgemental are being just that 1. I have known this woman for 11 years as she was a friend of my late wife. My late wafe use to help her pick up the pieces every time abuse happened, so I know the score. 2. isnt it amazing how may people have assumed that the word involved means sleeping with her, I have never been physically intimate with her, I have morals as well and to be frank, it would exacerbate the situation even further. yes we have feelings for each other and if I can be the one to get her out the other side then thats what I will do. Thanks to the posters who have shown me encouragement as her safety is paramount. To those who are judging me, please take a long hard look at yourselves. Nobody is perfect
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2010): I am appalled that select women are so blase about this cheating womans affair. Can u people not see that her Fing around on her marriage is also a contributing factor of her so called abuse. I find it so ironic that select females believe that cheating is justified and this woman is entitled to have sex outside her marriage. Double standards, is it an illogical feminist view vs a rational realistic approach. I be live that this woman's hb will continue in his current manner Because she has blatantly disrespected her marriage and even her kids.
Surely with such apparent abuse being meted out to her she would have some or any moral convictions to lead a decent life, instead of engaging in abhor ant activities outside her marital bedroom. I think it is HER that is abusing her hb and her kids with her behaviour. Those poor kids now know that Mummy is banging away and does she think she should not lead by example.
What have we become as a society? To condone 'abused' women's wrong behavior because she is having a difficult time in her marriage. Two wrongs make a right??? Do e owe our kids an explanation for our whorish behaviour. Do u think they will one day mirror our actions?
Surely common bloody sense should prevail.
Yes this woman should leave her hb, get to a safe house but before she does that she needs to close her legs! She cannot expect to get her life sorted out if she is becoming a common tart.
Sorry just my humble opinion folks. She doesn't need a knight in shining armour to be boning her while he 'apparently' is trying to rescue her from an abusive situation.
To the OP, what happens when she starts F*cking around on you? And trust me Mr Knight in shining armour she will! And then what? She becomes dependant on another sucker? Be realistic bud. You have written that u are a widower, perhaps u are lonely. Messing around with a married woman is bad news.
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2010): Please stand by her and help her to leave her abusive husband. She is a victim, she needs support, not judgment on her moral character.
women in abusive relationships are in a dangerous position. Their lives are in danger if they try to leave. That is why many of them stay, trapped and unable to leave. Don't walk away from her! she needs help.
I can't believe that so many people are zeroing in on the affair relationship as being far more important than the SAFETY of this woman. Can you blame an abused woman for responding positively to someone to is not abusive to her???
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2010): The female anon poster who encourages the affair.... Your story should be used as an advertisement for infidelity.I do not believe a woman needs to be rescued from a 'bad' marriage by anyone except for herself... by cheating in order to leave... she has become a cheat and has lied to someone. There is never justification for this.Never.The ends do not justify the means. Doing the right thing means precisely that. Doing the right thing. I wonder how long it will take for this 'lovely woman' to begin cheating on you? Or, for that matter talking badly about you behind your back as justification for her next relationship/affair?Cheating and lying is never justified. No affair partner is a heaven sent angel... to imply this says very little about angels.... and more about people who are self serving.SAVE her from herself and her own life choices... save yourself from her and from her life choices... or you may wind up being the next guy in line who will be spoken of as 'abusive' when her husband is probably angry because she is an infidel.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2010): Nothing can make a husband crankier than a cheating wife. Betrayed spouses are usually a bit on edge and yell a lot at the spouse who is stepping on on them... Have you ever considered her behavior, her multiple marriages, and her blame shifting onto her husband... as not exactly the most admirable set of traits and background? Think logically here.She has made her husband out to be the bad guy who is controlling and abusive. Nothing... I mean nothing... will be a spouse more controlling then when they find out their spouse is sleeping with someone outside of the marriage... Ask yourself this... how would you be reacting? Think. Stop being fed drama... think.No man or woman needs to cheat because their partner isn't up to snuff. That is what marriage counseling and/or divorce is for. A cheat is simply that. Someone who gets what they want through deception. Now, you need to figure out how far that rabbit hole goes. Are you being played here? Is her husband a tyrant because he's trying to control a cheating wife? Think... use your logical mind. Think.She is not a victim. This 'lovely' woman has married and bore children from two different men.. and now she's onto number 3. Sounds like someone who changes out men like underwear.... who doesn't take marriage seriously... and who has about as much attachment as a cold blooded reptile. This 'lovely' woman has, at the very least, very poor judgement, poor relationship skills and no ethics/morals. No one needs to be a cheat to survive in this world... there is such thing as honor and lovingkindness. Now here you are tangled in a mess ... trying to be a knight in shining armor. She has a tyrant of a husband... perhaps because she made him into that. I get the gut feeling that this affair business... well, it may not be her first time at the rodeo. You are walking into a hornet's nest and you can't even see it coming. You want so badly to save her... for reasons that are attributed to your own past... so you WANT to believe her story... and as a liar and a cheat... she is only to happy to pull you in. I'm not saying that she is even aware that she lacks a heart... nor am I saying that she does this to men with the intent to inflict harm... The fact is that she is oblivious to everyone except herself. She doesn't do what she does to hurt you or anyone... you are just the collateral fallout.So are her kids and the stupid men who got fooled by her.Wake up. See her for who and what she is. There is a REASON she's where she is in this life of hers and she got there somehow... Her husband may be an ogre... but believe me... a cheating wife will turn even the nicest guy into a guy with a chip on his shoulder pretty darn fast. Cut him some slack why don't you? Who is the real victim here?You need her to be the damsel... so a damsel she'll play. Wake up and smell the coffee before you wind up being used just like the rest of them. You can sit back years from now counting your blessings that you finally woke up and ran for the hills.... or you will be remembering the advice within my response to your question wondering why the hell you didn't listen. But yes, by then you will have grown wiser... and then you'll be the 'lousy' husband the 'lovely lady' is talking about behind his back.Do under others as you would have them do unto you. Sounder words to live by have never existed.... Live by them. Do not use another man's wife and expect to ever come out ahead. It is living in very bad form.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2010): Well the two answers that said walk away and stated that you were having an affair are ill informed. I am a woman who has been in exactly the same situation and met a man who doesn't seem too dissimilar to you. This man saved my life, my sons life, got the abusive man out of my life, and to those two silly replies, wait until you are in a situation like this and you will pray for someone to help. For the record, we have now been married for 6 years and i didn't ever believe someone like this could exist. My advice is to hang in there, give her all the support you can as you are probably about to save someone and their family. I think you are an angel as well. I will pray for you!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2010): support her.. with lots of love. ie.
it is so easy for everyone to judge. isn't it?! when you judge another ..that is giving others consent to judge you back.
if her husband was decent, she'd not feel the need to reach out. the fact that she told him about you..infers, she wants him to leave. she isn't hiding.
maybe, a lawyer could have him removed from the home and she could get a restraining order.
I kinda think if they haven't cohabited for a while ..that may be considered separation. hmm? if that is the case..she isn't cheating on him.
good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2010): "Now I am being as responsible as is humanly possible here and realise that her children must come first"
WRONG! He comes first, she doesn't give a crap about her kids or she would have left by now. She can feed you all the sob stories she wants but at the end of the day if she cared about her kids she'd remove them from that environment. And no, saying you're going to, or trying is not doing. You're old and wise now man figure it out.
You just have to sit there and take it because there is nothing you can do.
Let me just remind you, her kids come second to him, she knows they're feeling the effects of his abuse and because of him one of her kids has now turned to drugs. Dude she's a fool and you're her fool. That's that.
You're not going to walk away so you just have to hang around and wait for a woman that would rather see her kids suffer than do what's necessary to protect them because "it's too difficult" or she "doesn't know how"
I bet you'd walk through fire, cut off your arms and legs, give your very life itself to protect your son from harm. Yet you don't seem to have ay problem being with a woman that is both cheating on her husband with you and by not doing anything to protect her kids is an accessory to their abuse.
I'd walk away but that's just me.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2010): you have asked us not to tell you to stop YOUR AFFAIR. but the crux of the problem is the affair. no matter what word you use, an affair is an affair. so there is no cushioning your wrong doing.
i have news for you. the longer you are slepping with this married woman the worse her life AND HER KIDS life will be. is the sex worth a lifetime of pain for those poor kids?? please think about what you are doing.
you:
- are having sex with a married woman.
- are endangering both her and her kids lives
-cannot blame her hb for blackening your name. i think your actions speak louder than words and right now , you are in the wrong.
-need to stop interfering in a marriage that has absolutely no concern of yours.
-need to step away from the affair and allow your married lover to get HER act together - meaning, she needs to stop her affiar.
your lover:
-needs to prioritise what is more important. sex with you or her kids safety.
- needs to realise that your presence is highterning the abuse.
- needs to make an informed choice: very simple, stop the affair OR the abuse continues.Sad but a reality. Her abusive situation is getting out of hand because she is conducting this affair. her husband is using it to make her life hell!!!!!!!!!
You have received excellent advice from the other 2 aunts. Your lover needs to adhere to it.
LoveGirl
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 November 2010): help her and the kids get out, if he finds out about you its fairly "safe" to say hell will break loose and it will be too dangerous for her to be at home.
good luckxxx
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (19 November 2010):
 If the police know about the domestic violence then social services may also have an interest in the children. If the children are deemed at risk then social workers can use child protection laws to remove them from the family home. It would be far better for the whole family if they were relocated together as a unit. Your lady friend needs to contact Women's Aid who can give her lots of advice on housing etc. If she doesn't have the courage to leave him for herself, she should focus on the behavioural difficulties of her children and do it for them. I am sure you are aware that you can lead the horse the water but not make it drink. It must be her decision to leave and stay away from him. The police will prosecute as domestic violence has become a priority for the criminal justice system. In fact there are fast track domestic violence courts in England and Wales that deal with these cases. Women's Aid won't force her to leave but may give her gentle encouragement and also assist with the housing side of things. As a victim of domestic violence then she could claim social housing since she can get the police record of abuse to prove she is unintentionally homeless. The citizens advice bureau could assist with any benefits claim and they usually have someone who can advise on separation and divorce. She could also work with the police to get an injunction against him coming near her. Her GP could refer her for specialist counselling for victims of domestic violence - she may benefit from such an intervention to help in her long term adjustment.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (19 November 2010):
 You have to help her leave him, if she is in the process of divorcing him, she can find another place to stay. She has to try and take the children away with her because clearly, this is not the type of man capable of being a father, let alone a decent human being.
The children need to be taken care of, most definitley. They need to stay with their mother who can take care of them. I think if it is at all possible, you should let them all stay with you in which case you can take advantage of that opportunity to introduce yourself to her son so he will know that his current father has been vomitting lies faster than a gushing waterfall. You can support her if you are devoted and comitted, either way, she needs help and if you are willing, I think you are fully capable to being her angel sent from God to help. Good luck.
I hope that helps.
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