A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi AUnts and Uncles. I'm really distraught because my boyfriend told me a few days ago, after an argument, that he is going out with another woman (from work) tomorrow for Valentine Night and that he is going to 'stay over' at her place. We have had out ups and downs but been together for 9 years and I love him, although he has been very rude to me at times. I supported him through so much yet now he acts as though I am just a one night stand. He caused an argument recently, then I we didnt speak for some days then when I called him back the other day he told me he was taking this woman out tomorrow (he is off work all week next week). I've been good to him and for him in many ways and loads of people have said he actually is not good enough and I could do better but I saw the good in him too and I stuck by him for love and loyalty and because I am very attached to him. I don't know what to do, I feel so upset .. do I ring him and try and persuade him not to go out or do I just leave him to it?? apparently this girl read one of my text messages to him and was laughing at me and taking the mickey because I sounded upset ... calling me a 'loser' .. I feel like they are both being cruel and not showing much empathy .. I am his long term GF and yet she is acting like I am just a loony who suddenly popped up out the blue. Has anyone else had this happen and what tips are there for dealing with it. Do i leave them to get on with it or try and stop him .. I am really upset and having to force myself not to phone him at the moment. Last time I phoned he told me to 'f*ck' off and hung up on me anyway .. wouldnt even talk. This is actually making me feel sick and ill. Thanks
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2010): I am so sorry you're having to go through this. I can tell from your post that you are a beautiful, honest person. I have been through a very similar ordeal. A month ago, I found out my boyfriend of nine years has been sleeping with another woman behind my back.
As much as I hate him, he never intended for me to find out. He knew the news would absolutely break my heart and he tried to continue the friendship we had (as that was all that was left, well, actually there was no friendship because it was all a lie.. but I know he did enjoy my company to some small extent).
But with the pain I'M going through, I can't imagine how horrible it must be for you. To be TOLD by him that he was staying over with someone and then for him to tell you that they are mocking you and laughing? It's just unforgiveable. ANY cheating is unforgiveable of course, but I can't believe how cold and callous he is!
Look, I can tell from your post that you are a person with class. A person of high intelligence, loyal and honest. You really don't deserve to take this crap. I, like you, have been pushed to the side for some slag who has none of the standards or morals that I have.. and during the nights, I'm left alone and end up having to fight of the mental images in my head of them sleeping together.
I just wanted you to know that there's other people out there, just like you, suffering through these sorts of things. People that have been pushed to the side for gutter trash. People give me the advice I'm about to give you, but it's hard to believe it yourself. It's not until I've read your post that I realise they're right when they say it to me - You deserve so much better and it's NOTHING TO DO with the person YOU are. Please please please don't take this personally and change yourself in any way. Maintain your high standards and your class, make the decision to absolutely CLOSE HIM OUT OF YOUR LIFE and move forward from here. Handle it with dignity (as I did with my breakup). Don't give him the satisfaction of a drama. Just shut him out and confide in your friends. Possibly see a therapist, that's what I'm doing for myself. It's helping me learn to accept what happened.
DO NOT stay with this man and torture yourself any further. You simply don't deserve this crap. I know you love him and want things to work out. Hell, I'm still deeply in love with the monster that has been cheating on me. But I have faith these feelings will die in time. They don't just magically turn off. Accept they're there and get involved in other interests to distract yourself from obsessing over him. This is all the things I've been advised to do - AND all the things that have so far been helping me.
Good luck hun.
I hope things get better. Make the right decision and kick the asshole to the kurb. He is only using you, as he is USING this girl he's with. Guys like him are incapable of ever truely caring about ANYBODY. So don't think for a SPLIT SECOND that he is giving this girl any more than he gave you. He cares about no one. I hope that gives you some comfort.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2010): It is pretty common for women to want to cling to an abusive man because psychological and verbal abuse is insidious and has been going on long enough to have broken your spirit and made you think you aren't worthy of doing better, or that you can even clearly see what reality is.
The thing you need to get your mind around right now, is this relationship with him will make you ill, both psychologically and even your physical health will deteriorate rapidly!
Stop thinking about him laughing at you and having sex with another woman? What normal person would laugh at you with another woman he cheated on you with? That's right, no one in their right mind would be so stupid, glib and cruel.
He may even have a personality disorder which means he will never be able to take responsibility for anything wrong that he does, he will just blame you for it all, he does not possess empathy or even feel deep emotions but mirrors them by pretending them to you...he is manipulative
and conning.
Sound familiar? If it does, never have contact with him again, he's toxic, and he will never change because he is incapable of growth as a person.
You will feel better in time if you forget him, seriously..he's bad news especially for you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2010): He is psychologically abusing you. Please look this subject up and realise his behaviour is absolutely unacceptable why on earth would anyone take it - unless they have a low opinion of themselves. He has made his decision and showed you his true colours. Stop clinging to an abusive man. Can you stay with a friend? Get yourself out and away from this situation.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2010): Hi All. This is the poster of the original question here. Thank you so much for your answers - they have helped to sustain me through a very horrible day. I feel like crap but I know deep down he is being totally out of order so I'm struggling to find a way to not care. I called his mobile a couple of times but he cut the call off. SO I have no choice but to leave it. I keep imagining them together and him probably portraying me in a negative way (funny enough when I met him he portrayed his ex wife as a bitch from hell but I later found out he drove her nuts and his own son called him a bully and said 'i am twice the man you are cos you bullied me n mum all those years'. One of the guys from his work who goes to the gym told me he has seen this girl and he said she is nothing special and in addition is quite ignorant and racist ... so why would he prefer someone with an ignorant racist personality to me ... I don't know .. his colleague said he thinks he is an 'odd guy' (he criticises his colleagues as well .. if they don't agree with them etc) .. I feel so much better for the support I got on here because of instead of looking at my mobile to see if he called or texted, I can look on here at your answers instead and it is helping me to feel stronger and stop my mind wandering and imagining him having sex with this woman and them laughing at me etc ... Thanks again .. x
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A
female
reader, _Katy_Did_  +, writes (13 February 2010):
 I just have to ask...What are you thinking? I don't want to be mean..But open your eyes! This should not be a question of "should you try to stop him or let him go". You should be figuring out how to dump this jerk in the cruelest most hurtful way you can! So maybe revenge isn't the greatest way to go about it, but it's what I'd do. This guy is a total ass. You shouldn't have put up with him for so long. Make him cry.
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A
male
reader, Shashi  +, writes (13 February 2010):
Hi,
I have seen the replies till now and all are females. So as the first from the opposite side let me say at the outset, that I feel like kicking ur bf (shud be EX, please!) up his backside. He is an ass who has not clearly seen the value in you. And I totally agree with the other people when they say that the argument was just a set-up so that he could brazenly tell you that he was going out with another woman and was gonna "stay over". This guy really comes out like a big loser from your mail and does not deserve you.
You on the other hand, from what you have written do come across as a "catch" of a GF. I wud give an arm and a leg to have a GF like you. Sincerely, you ought to ditch this guy and find someone who really values and cherishes you. Hope this helps in in deciding. Best of luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2010): Whew, you can see all these aunts would be hot as a hornets nest if they were in your shoes, and I am sorry you had to go through with this.
First off, the argument was a setup by your boyfriend to have an Excuse to go out with this other woman. And by the way, she sounds like a bunny boiler, crap person, so I think he deserves her and vice versa.
Your guy has got to be a classic narcissist or pretty darn close to being pathological. No healthy male would treat a woman he has been with for 9 years this way.
He absolutely does not love you, and if he comes back and tries to charm the pants off of you, which most likely he will because he lacks remorse and empathy, then you tell him if he steps foot on your door again, you are filing a restraining order or what ever they call this in the UK.
Never speak to this guy again. Closure is overrated and it doesn't exist anyway. Ditch the loser, you have wasted too many years of your life on a relationship that clearly is going nowhere.
Take care, and if you would like to do some reading to see if your guy fits the description of a dangerous pathological man, then read my article under my name/account.
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A
female
reader, boo22 +, writes (13 February 2010):
 Hi hun, This guy of yours and this awful woman who laughs at your texts, they sound like they deserve each other.
You sound like far too nice a person to be wasting your precious time with that horror of a human being.
This may be hard to hear but you are acting like a doormat and he's wiping his filthy boots all over you. He has no respect for you and because you keep excusing his behaviour he has the green light to keep on abusing you.
Please dump him immediately x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2010): Dear Darling Lady
this man is functioning lower than the level of an ape-
at least apes seem to have empathy and feelings.
it sounds like he absolutely BELONGS with the shallow
and mean girl he's going out with....well, because
he is the same.
My father has told me something many times that helped
me...the problems you have before marriage are only
amplified AFTER the marriage. If you did end up with
this man, do you think a piece of paper would make things
any better? if you're sick now because you've invested
your good energy into it (and look what you're getting
back) think about how youd be later. AND what potential
kids would experience...protect yourself and your little
ovarian eggs and thank goodness that he's found
a twin to take out on Valentine's Day. NOW go find yours.
He's out there. I promise.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2010): he is a complete ass..I wouldnt much about him you should tell "while you at her house.you should stay because your ass cant return here!!" And if he comes off later saying he was just kiding leae him anyway for being an total inconsiderate ass
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (13 February 2010):
 I'm so sorry to hear about his treating you so badly!
There really is no way you can stop him going out with this woman. None at all. They are BOTH behaving horribly, and have no concern or regard for you.
Don't contact him. Just cut him out of your life completely. If he calls you, hang up on him. He deserves no less. I know you had been together for nine years, and it's hard to let go, but that's what you need to do. He has ended it with you in a very unkind, uncaring manner.
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A
female
reader, Brooklyngirl +, writes (13 February 2010):
 I am so sorry, Honey! I don't understand how people can be so cruel to someone they have shared their lives with for such a long time! It breaks my heart!
No, you don't try to change his mind! You keep your dignity, and move on and never look back! You don't deserve this abusive behavior! (and it is abusive to hurt someone the way he has hurt you)
It's tough to let go, I know! But Your love for yourself has to be greater than the love for any other person! Change your point of view...your outlook on the future. From this day forward, don't take crap from anyone....that is the only way to survive! I know, I had to do it myself!
Try to make plans with friends for Valentines Day. Of course you will be thinking of him...but it will help to focus on others!
Again, I am so sorry you are dealing with this.
Good Luck!
~BG~
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A
female
reader, laceytopgirl +, writes (13 February 2010):
 Poor Poor you...
Firstly u deserve so much better then this man. However much u love this man u can not stay with someone who does this to u. that is pure wicked, u shouldnt call him and beg him not too take her out u should see what es puttin u through and leave him for good, even if un did convince him not to take her what would be the point, could u stay with him knowin he was considering stayin over another womens house and secondly how dare he laugh and belittle u with her reading ur texts, i cannot belive u would want to stay with someone like this.
its hard as its been a 9 yr relationship but u must think of ur self and ur own welfare, noone deserves this and u should never settle for second best, try ignore him znd get on with yr life keep busy and ur soon heal :)x
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A
female
reader, Tigerlily +, writes (13 February 2010):
OMG sweetheart! That's horrible! He sounds absolutely awful! they are both totally cruel why on earth would you even want a horrible man like that anywhere near you?
Honey you have to realize that you don't deserve to be treated like that EVER... and if he wanted out of the relationship there are much more graceful ways to go about it. Do not ring him... and do not speak to him if he rings you! It sounds to me like this guy is not good for you at all, so even though it will take some time to heal you need to cut him loose. Big hug.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (13 February 2010):
 This is just awful - I have absolutely no idea why you put up with this! This man does not love you, does not respect you, does not care about you yet you are still with him?
I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but do you enjoy being treated this way? Do you feel happy being a doormat having him walk all over you? Because if you have put up with this poor excuse of a man for 9 years then you must have a strange addiction to the pain of all of this!
There are no tips for dealing with this - the only way to deal with a man like this is to deal with him in the way that he deals with you - tell him to f*ck off out of your life and never come back.
You deserve a man that wants to take you out for valentines day, someone who would never disrespect you by swearing at you, someone that values you as a person and loves you.
The longer you stay with this man, the more he knows that he can treat you like s**t and get away with it. He knows he can behave however he wants and you will still be there at home waiting for him, loving him regardless of what he does to you.
If I were you I would change my phone number, change my email address and any online accounts that I have, change the locks on my front door and never let that loser back into my life.
Love is worthless in a relationship when you are the only one that has those feelings - he categorically does not love you otherwise he would not behave like this. Do you really want to waste another 9 years of your life loving someone that does not love you?
While love is obviously important in a relationship, so is trust, respect, kindness, sharing, care for each other.....the list could go on and on. But this man has none of these feelings for you - your relationship is nothing but a sham.
I think you are only clinging on to this relationship because you love him and dont want to throw away the 9 years you have spent together - and this is perfectly understandable but he throws away those 9 years every time he is rude to you and decides to take other women out on dates. He has no respect for your relationship - so why should you?
There is absolutely no other way for me to say this - you have to leave him if you ever want to be happy and be treated in the way you want and deserve. Of course it will be a really hard thing to do and you will feel upset, sick, distraught etc for months to come, but time is a great healer and eventually you will realise how much better off you are without him!
You can never be happy with this man - so now is the time to be brave, stand up for yourself and stop letting him walk all over you! Anything of his in your house, just throw it out of the window, change the locks and never speak to this waste of space again. He is not worth another moment of your time!
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2010): Im sorry to say this but theres something you dont seem to be getting. Hes not taking you out. Hes telling you to F off. Hes seeing another woman.....
Im sure you did help him alot. You obviously thought alot of him too but those feelings arent being returned. Its best to try and move on and not waste anymore time on him x
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