A
female
age
41-50,
*aya51707
writes:i have a lover who is married for over 20 years. We've been together for almost 3 yrs now. I am 32, he is 50 now. i love him so much and he loves me also but he loves his wife and children. most of the time, i get jealous and hurt because of the special way he treats his wife. now i am so depressed and insecure..i love him so much it hurts! what should i do? will i stay or not? i am very dependent on him...need advice. please help. thanks!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2010): I assume you do not have children of your own? Do you want them? If so, you need to find a man who can provide you with the commitment and love to bring children into this world - otherwise your life will disappear down a hole. This is a critical time in your life stop wasting it. I had an affair with a man that kept me dangling on a string like yours has and I got so depressed I felt suicidal. Remember even if he left his wife and children would you want him? What sort of man is he really - that cheats on his family like this? You would never really trust him - if he can do it to her he could do it to you... He is an addiction and you need to solve this. Make 2010 the year you set yourself free. It will only take the love of an available man to make you see sense - that is how I got out of my mess. Take care.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2010): You're hurt now and already depressed. And the situation is not about to change. I feel sorry for his wife that gets cheated on, and she's stuck with him a lot more than you are. You have the ability to get out. You said you were dependent on him, is it financially? Find ways to get by on your own and slowly pull away until you aren't dependent on him. You're already hurt, and it won't get easier.
I will also advice you not to go for married men. All the stories we've read on dearcupid about mistresses to married men are right out sad. Yes you will get flamed for being a mistress, but the sad part is that you only hurt yourself. You will always come as number 2, he could be faking his emotions for you for all you know (he doesnt have to commit to you for obvious reasons), he could be having other mistresses but you (as you know he's morally equipped to cheat), the list goes on and on.
If it's just a fling and no feeling involved, I say too bad for the husband and wife, but you as a mistress aren't the one cheating. But entering a relationship like this, is not a good relationship. If he was a mormon, it would have been far better as you'd be treated with respect and get the love you deserve. As a mistress you are being hidden under covers and have to live off of the crumbles he throws you. So try to get out of this and find a better man.
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A
female
reader, Ich_liebe_dich +, writes (13 February 2010):
 Youre still young, you still have a chance to build a new life for you. No matter what you do, its not going to work. He is a married man, U have to think about it. forget the dream that one day maybe he will leave his wife. he is not going to that. if he is going to do that, he already do that before, but you see that his wife is still important to him. find a courage inside of you and leave this man. do it now for your self, do it now before its too late.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2010): Seriously, did you come here for sympathy? If you choose the behavior you choose he consequences.
You have chosen to be a direct threat to this man's wife and family. You can tell yourself all day long that you are not doing anything to hurt anyone and he is the only one cheating; you'd be wrong, you have chosen to live an amoral life and one without concern for the people that you are hurting.
This guy is way too old for you, and to him you are just eye candy and a piece on the side, he is a shallow, arrogant entitled disloyal scumbag liar...let's see can a find a few more choice words for him?
Now doesn't he sound like a man worthy of your love?
Get yourself to therapy pronto and find out why you chose to put yourself in impossible relationships, why you have so little self esteem and why you find yourself dependent on someone who does not treat you as a priority but an option.
Take care and enjoy your Valentines Day thinking about your LOVE with his family....which is where he belongs.
Sounds like I am being cruel? Well, it is you who made this happen.
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A
female
reader, sweetiebabes +, writes (13 February 2010):
 Kabayan, I know how you feel as I had an affair too with a married man older than me for almost 4 yrs and it was a devastating feeling that I even came to a point of berating myself.
He will never leave his wife and kids for you and the posters on this blog are all giving you good insights of what you should do. You MUST LEARN TO LET GO right this moment before you will hurt yourself more. Learn to focus on what you want to do with your life and become independent emotionally and financially. Think of what is best for you. Believe me if you will learn to become independent and have a life of your own, you will come to realize he is not worthy of you and when you accept all these things in your life...YOU WILL FREE. LET GO NOW BEFORE YOU WILL HURT YOURSELF MORE!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2010): This man is MARRIED, for heavens' sake! Do you not understand that when you are married or in a committed relationship, you are not supposed to have affairs with anyone else, regardless of whether it's "an emotional affair" with no sex involved, or whether you're in bed together almost every night? Of course, we can rationalize all we want the reasons for being involved, but that does not make it right.
It's called "cheating." And that's exactly what it is: he is betraying his wife and has no regard for her - while reaping the benefits of bed and board, and thus its highly unlikely he would ever leave her (if he hasn't divorced her by now, he's never going to). You both are cheating in fact.
No wonder you feel so depressed and insecure, hurt and jealous. You have no right to be involved with him, because he is "taken" - not free to love you.
I hope you pay attention to those feelings you are experiencing and end this right now! Once you recognize that he has treated both you and his wife very shabbily, and that this is very wrong, the sooner you'll be able to heal and live a happy, independent life without him.
I hope this for you and that you will eventually meet a man who is free to love you - once you've had time to get over this, heal and to sort yourself out.
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A
female
reader, Brooklyngirl  +, writes (13 February 2010):
 "The special way he treats his wife?" HE'S BEEN CHEATING ON HER FOR THREE YEARS! Isn't that special!
I'm sorry, but when you get into a relationship with a married man...you have to realize that it's going to be a procession of sleepless, lonely nights! You will never be number one! Even if he left his wife for you,which isn't likely, wouldn't you worry that he will cheat on you?
I don't mean to be cruel and hurt you any more than you are hurting right now, but you need to move on and find yourself someone who is available and willing to love you the way you deserve to be loved!
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A
female
reader, veronika  +, writes (13 February 2010):
 You need to understand that the chance of him leaving his wife for you is very slim, mainly because cheaters who have a wife and kids think of their affair partners as a "bit on the side", generally, so they get the best of both worlds (until they're caught). They get to have the nice, settled life of marriage while also having another girlfriend to have sex with or be intimate with outside of his marriage - like a double life. And for the moment, he's the only one winning here because you feel empty when he goes home to his wife, and his wife is being betrayed every time he sees you. He's not a real catch. You can do better.
You can't win in this set up, so the earlier you break it off the better you'll be. You can do much better than a jerk of a man who's already in a relationship. You are probably quite able to find a man who isn't attached. There are plenty of lovable, single guys out there.
Even though it will hurt you to break this affair up, it will hurt you if you stay too. So either way you can't win.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2010): Become independant and you will be suprised by how little you really need him once you can pay your own way. He will never leave his wife, so its a waste of your time waiting. When do you stop waiting? When you are 40? 50? Leave him now and find happiness with someone of your own, rather than settling for scraps from another womans husband. A husband who lies and cheats. You dont need him! Hes using you and keeping you dependant because it suits him to have you ready and waiting when he is interested.
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