A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:hi, I've been planning valentines day for a little while now, but its falling to bits, i did have a restaurant booked for valentines day with a set menu for 48 pounds per person, in the last week the restaurant have asked for an extra 40 ontop to keep the table i booked for valentines. I couldnt afford it so I've had to let the table go, my gf and her mum are really annoyed at me for not keeping the dinner date.I also planned to take her into london, to see the different sites, she hasnt been to london properly and when i took her to the o2 arena last month she was really excited saying she would love to see london etc, she dosent seem that bothered about it now and saying she dosent care for it and we should do something different for valentines day, like do dinner. im really bummed out about this. She says its not about spending money, but spending time together. Which i thought the london trip was about.In an effort to please her, i took her to the beach at 2 in the morning, a place where we bonded. She moaned that i was spending money taking her there that i could have spent on a dinner. She doesnt want me to cook for her, saying it would be pointless. Her mum is also jumping in and bullying me about it too. Makes me feel really down. My sister said that if she cant sell her sunday night neyo concert tickets by tonight, i can have them for a fraction of the price, i hope that would be enough for my gf.I thought she was an understanding gf, she knows i struggle with money...why put this much pressure on me? I feel i am making the effort on valentines day to organise something different, shes emasculating me saying i cant organise anything and she'll have to arrange valentines day grrr.
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female
reader, _Katy_Did_  +, writes (17 February 2010):
 My entire answer was about him! I don't want to flood his question with an argument. But the mother is obviously bothering him. He feels that she is being invasive. Yes, he did promise her dinner, but he tried everything in his power to fix it. In his follow up he even says that it was HER that canceled the dinner. Not even his fault. And I didn't see her point? What was her point? To hurt his feelings by totally stomping all over his desperate attempts to give her a great Valentine's day? It's cruel to say that he ruined her whole Valentine's day and probably makes him feel much worse. He tried and she didn't want to accept his efforts. She's being a brat and there's nothing more to it. On another note, I think you could be right about the mother's attitude toward the daughter rubbing off on her. Maybe she feels that she has no control in her own life and therefore has to control hers? It sounds to me, whatever the reason she's acting this way, that there isn't much you'll be able to do. Like the last poster said "she should have been mature and thoughtful enough to keep her mouth shut..."if she can't even spare your feelings then I'd say she's not worth it. You'll probably be putting up with this more in the future. Good luck in which ever decision you go with. Hopefully she'll lighten up a bit.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2010): To me she sounds VERY ungrateful and cruel. To me it sounds like you went to a huge amount of effort and were extremely thoughtful. So what if the tickets were your sisters? All she did was cook you a meal;I do that every day of the week for my fiance, it's no big deal.I think you should walk. I think no matter how hard you try she won't be happy, and what makes it even sadder in my opinion is that she actually decides to tell you that it was only a 5/10. Even if it wasn't her perfect day, so what; you went to a lot of effort and she should have been mature and thoughtful enough to keep her mouth shut, no matter what.You sound like a thoughtful, kind and generous boyfriend. I think you are better than her and need to find someone who treats you as you deserve to be treated. You will look back on this as a learning experience. I had boyf for whom nothing I ever did was good enough. The problem is I ended up doing more and more and more to try and keep him happy until it just got too much. It shouldn't be like this. Have some time to yourself, treat yourself for a bit, and then find a nice girl who will reciprocate your kindness and generosity. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2010): o/poster here,Just to clarifyshe was the one who said i could not afford the extra 40, and cancel the dinner.I gave her, a giant card, a me to you bear and a little cuddly toy dog n a cheeky present. I still took her into london, and to a pub, which was packed out with couples, we had a drink and i asked her if she would like dinner, it was a no cause all the cutsey couples where getting too soppy for her, she suggested macdonalds....hmm ok, cheap and still eating out, she apologised that she seemed inconsiderate about not wanting to go into london, or onto the beach and made her excuses. I told her how i felt about it and she understood n said sorry,After that I took her to a couple of sights then to the neyo concert wich she enjoyed loads and thanked me for a good night. She added after that it was a 5/10 for thoughtfullness and the day wasnt terribly great because we spent a fair bit of time on the tube travelling to the different sites. She still says her valentines was better (she cooked me a dinner of steak and garlic potatoes to show me a thing or two and thats why she didnt want me to cook on the day, because it was her idea.) the dinner was after i posted this, her mum took over, more barged my gf out of the way, as soon as my gf asked where the knife was put cause it wasnt in the normal drawer. Perhaps her demanding attitude is an inferiority complex because her mum often snatches jobs or things shes doing off her and showing her how to do it, n my gf is trying to assert her controll over me cause she has no controll anywhere else? I feel in a bit of a limbo, cause she says she had a good time, but could have been better, and she still complained about the dinner, n that she had to suggest macdonalds. She says i cant claim credit for taking her to see neyo cause it was my sister who got the tickets then decided she was going to sell them on. I felt like walking away and saying that she should find her own way home. But kept silent the whole night in terms of retalliating. Anyway i think im going to see what happens in the next few days and hope she gives a clearer judgement to me. Oh and another thing, her mum is very judgemental, choosy, fussy, controlling, manipulative and very nosy, my gf dosent have a private life without her mum sticking her nose in and Offering her opinion and being pushy. I think one of the posters may be right, if it keeps up i may be forced to do something.
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A
female
reader, _Katy_Did_ +, writes (13 February 2010):
And to soon103...Don't be so dramatic. It's a dinner. The girl will get over it. He didn't kill her cat or anything. And her mother shouldn't be involved in the first place.
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A
female
reader, _Katy_Did_ +, writes (13 February 2010):
I'm from the U.S., so maybe this is why...But a trip to London sounds amazing! I'm guessing you live pretty close by, but she just doesn't go there often. Sounds similar to my boyfriend and I only London is Seattle. In any case, have you told her that this is a lot of pressure on you? Does she realize that you're distressed so much that you have to ask for help? This is obviously hurting your feelings and I don't blame you. If you can't afford fancy dinners then she shouldn't pressure you to spend your cash. I don't understand why she's so stuck on the dinner thing. It's just dinner...You can eat anywhere. Anyway, just tell her she's really hurting you and all you're doing is trying to make her happy. And you know what? If worse comes to worse (although you may feel that it is emasculating) let her take over. Maybe then she'll realize that planning can be difficult and expensive. It would take a lot of stress off of you and save you money. How is it fair that you have to pay for everything, anyway? Or make all the plans? She's being kind of rude in my opinion.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2010): Your mistake is you're treating this girl like a princess. She is showing DISinterest in what you are doing. If you want her to be attracted to you, you need to pull back a little by not investing so much to the relationship. If you become a little more distant, she will naturally want to get closer to you. So stop being a weak "nice" guy and be a man.
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A
female
reader, Alexia1991 +, writes (13 February 2010):
You deserve far better by the sounds of it, in all this time what has she done for you?
It shouldn't be about how much money you spend on her, you're giving her something thats worth a lot more (in my opinion anyway).
You shouldn't feel emasculated by her, you're doing everything you can to make it a really special night for her, she's being (even by female standards ;) ) very demanding,
its not fair on you,
if she wants all of the money and glamour she thinks you're not giving her then surely she would break it off?
It seems to me like she's in this for the wrong reasons,
I'm sorry it sounds so, so harsh on the both of you but if she's putting you down like this then you can't just let it blow over
Good luck and let me know how it goes? xxx
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (13 February 2010):
 Both of you should complain to the manager. It's a business scheme and I bet if you make a scene out of this the manager would probably quit arguing with you and just give you the table. He could only hope that some rich couples would just give him the extra 40 pounds in order not to ruin the evening. The manager has a lot to lose if the rest of the people cancel the reservation. He would probably just settle for 48 pounds rather than nothing. 88 pounds is unreasonable. No one is forcing you to buy expensive wine. Your girlfriend probably wants you to be the man and fight for right cost.
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A
male
reader, Flyguymyeye +, writes (13 February 2010):
Get rid, women like this are nothing more than indirect prostitutes. She should be grateful at all the effort you're making. How about she dips into her own purse to make valentines day ad special as her and her wierd mother want.
Ps; Is the mother included at the end of the night?!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 February 2010): Im just getting a card for Valentines day because my boyfriend isnt well off at the moment. Tell you gf to get a life and stop being so controlling, its just a day. If you look after her well all the time whats her problem!
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A
female
reader, Brooklyngirl +, writes (13 February 2010):
 I am so sorry that this has happened to you and as the previous poster commented....It just doesn't seem legal! I would talk to the manager of the restuarant and threaten to report them.
As for your girlfriend, she is being totally unfair to you. This could happen to anyone and is not your fault! She is being childish and unreasonable.
I hope it all works out in your favor.
Also, maybe you need to remind your girlfriend that Valentines Day is about couples in love. It is a day to reaffirm that love and commitment. It's not about how much you spend on eachother!
I am unable to be with the man I love this Valentines day, and I would give anything just to be able to be by his side having a peanut butter and jelly sandwhich and a glass of milk!
Good Luck!
~BG~
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A
female
reader, laceytopgirl +, writes (13 February 2010):
 valetines day is another day too make us vwaste our money at the end of the day a nice card is as thoughtful as a day out,if ur struggeling for money ur chick should understand this and as for the neyo concert?
take meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee :) xx
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (13 February 2010):
 This is just another example of spoilt, selfish girls obsessed with the commercialized circus show that is Valentines Day.
You are running after this girl like she is a child, trying to make sure she is happy despite her acting like a spoilt brat. What is she doing for you for Valentines day? After all, it is not about men spending a fortune just to make women happy. It is supposed to be a celebration of being in love, and that means both people in the relationship are supposed to do something nice for their other half.
I am really sorry you have landed yourself with this sort of girl - any girl that puts this amount of pressure on you over such an unimportant, commercialized day of the year really is not worth your time.
If I were you I would just apologise that you cannot afford to take her out for dinner like she wants, and that you dont feel you can meet her expectations therefore you are just going to spend the day hanging out with a few friends who actually like you for who you are, not for what you can pay for. I would love to see what she would have to say to that!
But you sound like you are too much of a nice guy to ever do that, and it does sound like she has you wrapped around her little finger so I am sure you will spend the rest of today rushing round and panicking about tomorrow.
You should keep in mind though that not all girls behave like this on Valentines Day, and that her behaviour really is not reasonable. Take me for instance, I cannot bear Valentines Day because it is an excuse for men to be romantic on one day of the year only and why should we be told that everyone in a relationship must be forced into this on 1 day of the year? My idea of hell is to be sat in a restaurant full of other couples all gushing over each other, feeding each other and generally being horribly soppy. My boyfriend is just going to cook for me tomorrow night, and I am making dessert. We will have some wine and just enjoy each others company, with no silly cards or presents.
There are some girls, like your girlfriend, who are materialsistic and judge your love for her based on how much money you spend on her. Whereas there are lots of other girls who are more down to earth and actually understand that money has no bearing on love, and spending time together means more than anything else.
I dont think there is any way to solve your situation, it sounds like you love her very much and would do anything to make her happy which is very sweet. But she knows this and you are her doormat, she knows she can walk all over you and you still keep on doing what she wants. Maybe one day you might stand up to her, who knows! I hope for your sake that one day you do stand up to her and put her back in her place, you sound like a lovely guy and you deserve better!
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A
female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (13 February 2010):
The restaurant were totally out of order doing that to you. You had booked the table at the price quoted, and they bumped it up to try and make a bit more money. If you had already booked the table, and they had agreed it, I think you will find, that this is actually illegal, so maybe a quick note to the manager, saying you will send a letter to trading standards. They should have informed you upfront that there was a booking fee of £40 for valentines day if that was actually the case.
However, to me, your girlfriend sounds like she is being a bit precious about this.
If you told her about the money issues, if she REALLY wanted to go out to that restaurant on Valentines day, then why didnt she stump up the £40? Relationships are all about sharing and compromise, right? But she expects you to pay for it all, and throws a hissy fit, when you try and do something else that will please her. What is she doing for YOU on Valentines day? Just out of interest?
I think taking her to the beach at 2am was a wonderful romantic thing to do! If someone did that for me, I would love it.
"I also planned to take her into london, to see the different sites, she hasnt been to london properly and when i took her to the o2 arena last month she was really excited saying she would love to see london etc, she dosent seem that bothered about it now and saying she dosent care for it and we should do something different for valentines day, like do dinner. im really bummed out about this. She says its not about spending money, but spending time together. Which i thought the london trip was about."
I think she is kidding herself. She is just pissed off about the restaurant. how much more romantic would it be for you to cook her a nice meal, with candles, just the two of you!
"She says its not about spending money, but spending time together."
Yet she didnt like the beach, doesnt want you to cook for her, and only seems happy with you taking her out to a posh restaurant. Her mother also seems overly pushy in this.
Do you always pay for dates, or does she treat you too sometimes? Does her mother expect you to "keep" her daughter?
If she reacts like this, then I dont think she is as understanding as you think. Maybe you are too giving, and she is used to taking advantage of you.
I really hope you sort all this out, and that she appreciates what you have done, because you have obviously tried, and put a lot of time and effort into thinking up things she would really like.
Good luck!
Tiger x
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