A
female
age
36-40,
*anelle2
writes:In Jan 2009 I moved across Canada to do my student teaching practicum in a small town. for the most part most of the other tacherswere really nice to me and I made alot of great friends. With in a few months of teaaching I started having an affiar with one of the other teachers, Ben. When my practicum ended he asked me to say in town so we could be together. A month ago his wife found out about the affair and since has filed for divorce. He didnt seem upset and said it was becauce he loves me. I got hired as a grade 1 teacher at the same school that I was at before. Ben seems really excited about starting the new school year with otu having to hide our realtionship. But I am worried about how the other teachers/ parents will see us. I am 24, Ben is 39. He has worked at the same school for 10 years and everyone knows his wife since i is a very small town. He has told his family about our relationship and is eager for me to meet them. I am afraid that they will not like and blame me for his marriage ending. Each time I try to talk to him about my worries he says I am over reacting. Am I? How will this effect my relationship with my co workers?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2009): You say the teachers in the small town was so nice that you helped yourself to one of them . interesting! Your married lover may have been married for what, almost 15 years now, if i take into account his age. The small town is not the problem. If they talk about your affair, and you breaking up a marriage, would they be talking lies or worse still, will they be making this up. NO. Instead of worrying about the gossip (which in fact isn’t, it is the truth) think about your professionalism. You will now be teaching grade 1. Did you know that grade 1 pupils (especially) want to be just like their teachers. They actually see their teachers as role models, What role model have you become?? Just a husband stealer? This is something you need to think about. The only reason you fear the teachers reactions and the so called small town reaction , is that they would actually see you for what you are truly. You know you have done wrong. You know this therefore you are so panicked. This is after the fact. Trish is right, you should have worried about your reputation when you embarked on your affair with your married man in the first place. I feel sorry for the children you will be teaching. In grade one my child was taught about morals and doing the right thing. He was also taught about actions having consequences. I wonder how you will relay these concepts to your pupils?
Sadly you will not be remembered for your teaching profession but rather for your extra curriculum activities. Your lover Ben, doesn’t seem to be bothered by the fact that he was caught out with you. He has no concern for his wife, whom, i am sure you have socialised previously with. Your married lover seems cold and actually full of himself. He believes that there will be no repercussions. i think he is delusional. Seems like good ole Ben either has been in this situation before and knows the easy way out. Whatever the case, watch you do not get replaced with a new teacher in the future. Ben needed a distraction in the small town, and you gave it to him. what is going to happen when a new distraction comes to the small town?
You came to a liberal site to get liberal answers. You know that you have done wrong with the older married man. So although many have condoned your affair with the very married Ben, when you are all alone, with no more good teacher pretences, do you like what you have become. Running away to another town to escape the disgrace, is not the answer. You see, sadly we cannot escape our conscious and our morals and ethics. I said above you will not be remembered for your teachings but for your private life. Can you afford this? Whether small town gossip or not, you need to come clean WITH YOURSELF.
Teacher Role Model? SADLY NO!
A
female
reader, devastated2008  +, writes (3 September 2009):
 Speaking as a betrayed spouse... I disagree with many of the postings. Yes the marriage was in trouble or struggling prior to the affair or he wouldn't have been vulnerable to a relationship with you... but to say that the affair is not the cause of the divorce is blatantly false. I am not trying to be judgemental, but the fact is if he was really finished with the marriage... he would not have needed you to be his motivation for divorce. He would have already been divorced. Many, including me will conclude that the affair was the cause of the divorce. All marriages struggle but the second its okay for a third party to enter the relationship... it changes the dynamics to something entirely different.The statement "you can't help who you fall in love with" is somewhat true. You may not be able to help your initial feelings of attraction... but what you do at that point is going to determine whether love develops or not. A mature person is aware when they become attracted and take appropriate steps to safeguard their morals, commitments and belief systems. You certainly can prevent allowing love to grow... you say "no" to all inappropriate actions, thoughts, and people who do not respect the fact that you are married (including yourself).You have many problems to look forward to and you don't even have to look to the people around you, because your two biggest problems are you and Ben. Neither of you respected the marriage, neither of you have the self-control necessary for making a commitment, both of you are susceptible to emotional impulse and dishonesty. Ben obviously loved his wife at some point in order to have married her... you didn't say how long the marriage lasted but based on his age it was likely a long-term marriage. All marriages have problems and the longer you've been married the more disappointments and hurts there are that interfere with feeling the love (doesn't mean its not there). Its easier to turn to a new love than to face your own issues and the hurts of a spouse and fix things so that you can feel the love. A new love is only a cop-out... he's bringing all his issues to you, instead of facing up to them with his wife.What you are settling for is for a relationship that is driven by feelings... feelings change, do you want a relationship that is based solely on feelings or one where you know the person is committed to your well-being for life regardless of the normal up and down flow or real life emotions. You already know he is driven by feelings if he chooses you, therefore ... someday when your relationship hits the same lows ALL relationships do, you cannot rely on his integrity and commitment to sustain your relationship. One or both of you will likely repeat this very same pattern ... and in your case you will have given your youth up to someone who thinks cheating is acceptable.If you think you are not a part of the problem in his marriage... end your relationship with him completely and see how fast he runs back to his wife begging for forgiveness.
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female
reader, Jayney Y  +, writes (3 September 2009):
 Small towns can be small-minded and love something to gossip and pass judgement about. Outsiders can't break up happy marriages, so there must have been problems in their marriage before you came along, but a lot of people don't think that way and love to blame the third party. On the other hand, if his wife wasn't a popular woman, you may have nothing to worry about. Good luck :)
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female
reader, kahlan  +, writes (3 September 2009):
 Im sorry to say you probably will be blamed,especially if he and his wife have been there for years,which isn't fair as it takes two to tango! Hopefully his family will be ok once they see you make him happy. I don't think you are over reacting as you can't help but worry and he should understand this and try to reassure you as much as possible. Tell him you both need to put up a united front in this. There must have been problems in the marraige before you came along, or he wouldn't have strayed in the 1st place. You can't help who you fall in love with. Sit down with him and tell him you can't help how you feel and you need him to be more supportive. Perhaps he is right and there will be nothing to worry about, but tell him this is really worrying you, and you need him to be there for you. Once people get used to the two of you, it will just seem normal to them. Hopefully your co workers will just be interested in you as a teacher. If anyone says anything, tell them you didn't mean for anyone to get hurt and that you love each other. Again,you'll need to come across as a united front. Then try to just get on with it, don't act too defensive,but don't act ashamed either.I hope everything goes well with you.Kahlan.
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female
reader, Basschick +, writes (3 September 2009):
 Unless this small town has alot of "open minded" people you are in for the ride of your life. I think your b/f is so in love with you he is blinded by the reality of what you're in for. You could say to hell with what everyone thinks, but is he prepared to feel rejected by the people who've always been his friends? He needs to think about this carefully. Your best bet would be to move to a complete different location and begin your life brand new where no one will know your history. Best wishes.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (3 September 2009):
 The time to have thought about this problem was when you started the affair. I guess all you can do is hold your head up, be as gracious as possible to everyone and hope for the best. It may take some time but eventually people will accept you, if you and he stay calm and don't overly flaunt the attraction you feel for each other. No PDAs, in other words, those would feel disrespectful to the students and fellow teachers.
Don't discuss the affair, his divorce or your love with anyone else; it's a private thing anyway and you don't want to draw attention to it. Just be matter of fact, cheerful and pleasant.
Good luck!
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female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (3 September 2009):
 Surely this is a false posting.
I no for a fact that eneyone teachingin cnada needs to no how 2 spel.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2009): Sounds as if you have a man who may be emotionally unattached to those around him. My concern is that in 10 years he might fall in love with the next 24 year old and react the same way. She may hear the same story you did.As for what others will think - I wouldn't worry about that, I work in an office where two of the principals (who are not married, but are together) came together as a result of an office affair at their previous firm. I don't think that anyone thinks badly about them - but when the guy sexually harrased one of the admin's (which made it all the way up the corporate structure, including his GF) everyone thought "what did you think he was going to do? You met him under similar conditions..."Good luck - stay alert, and know what kind of guy you're involved with...
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female
reader, whocares86 +, writes (3 September 2009):
Well seeing as he had an affair with you, then it's obvious he wasn't having a very good relationship with his wife anyhow and he seems to talk freely about you two, so I'm sure others, including family, knows he wasn't happy with her and that he is happy with you.Though I do warn you, relationships built on a situation such as that has a slim chance of lasting, so be careful and make sure he's what you truly want.
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