A
female
age
30-35,
*heBends
writes:So,My boyfriend is 23 and I am 18. We have been together for over three years now, long distance. Mostly we have a great relationship, he's a really great boyfriend. He's really attentive, loving, always tells me how perfect I am etc. We used to fight tons but now we hardly fight at all. However, we fought last Sunday and it ended badly. He wasn't talking very much so I was trying to ask him what was wrong. He wasn't really giving an answer, whenever I talked to him he was not very responsive. So I asked him a few times, if he was okay, did I do something wrong etc. This made him mad, saying I'm paranoid whenever he doesn't talk that there is something wrongI admit I am a worrier. I worry about everything. Usually he is okay and tells me to relax but this pushed him over the edge that night. The words he was using was often things I say about myself and he dismisses as nonsense, so to hear them from him really upset me. I was teary and I left saying I didn't want to spoil his night.Fast forward to now, he has not said a word to me in a week. I have tried saying sorry, telling him I miss him etc and he ignores me. I'm wondering if he will come back or if I've fucked things up now. He has done this before. The most recent time was when he came back after 8 days. He always tells me he will come back eventually.However, I'm not so sure. There has been a time where he wouldn't talk to me for a few days and broke up with me afterwards. I'm wondering if he wants to and doesn't know how to tell me. If he thinks he can just ignore me and eventually I will have to go away. I really love this guy and I'm terrified of that.I don't know what to think right now. Will he come back?
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broke up, long distance Reply to this Question
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female
reader, TheBends +, writes (7 February 2011):
TheBends is verified as being by the original poster of the questionEveryone has given good advice here. I was a little skeptical of posting this but I'm glad I did.
@the walkin dude, I am sure he wouldn't reply to anything I sent him anyway so I'll just have to wait.
@Wheeler, I think you hit it bang on. It sounds very much like him. The advice is really good and I'll definitely be trying to work on myself more.
@kimkimkim Your advice is really positive. It's a really great way of thinking about it so I will try be more optimistic.
Oh and good luck @natmarie. Be strong!
Thanks to everyone that posted. The advice so far has been great :D.
A
female
reader, Denise32  +, writes (6 February 2011):
 The advice everyone is giving you about getting on with your own activities and, importantly, trying to understand what it is that causes you to worry, is great.
It goes almost without saying that if he wasn't talking very much and was being quiet, it doesn't necessarily follow that its because of something you have done or not done, you know. He may have been having a bad day, or just in a mood to think about things in general - again not necessarily connected with you, or your friendship. You are familiar with the old saying, "don't take it personally"? Well, that applies here.
Now: you've apologized, told him you miss him, etc., and have not heard back. But as you said, this is nothing new.
So what to do? I'd not contact him again for another couple weeks, and if you do then get in touch, just send a brief email to say hello, how are you, cold weather here, I've been busy, kind of a note, and see what happens. Don't apologize again!
NO WAIT! I said not to contact him for two weeks. I amend that: make it three weeks, not two. Meantime, REALLY make a serious effort to figure out what's going on with your anxiety......please, you'll be doing yourself a good turn!
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2011): There isn't much you can do but wait and see if he gets in touch. Can't you just send he a text or email asking what's going on?
To be honest he sounds pretty childish and obviously likes to run away from his problems.
If he still doesn't reply then just get on with your life and don't wait around after him because i have a feeling that that's what he wants.
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A
male
reader, Wheeler +, writes (6 February 2011):
 Here are the facts:
You have apologized, and told him you want to be with him and love him.
The ball is in his court now. You can't force him to call back any sooner. He is probably hanging out with friends or at the house playing video games, and is surely not spending a considerable amount of time thinking and rethinking all that was said and done the last time you two were together.
Probably one of the best things you could do is make sure you are in a good place when he does contact you again. In other words, be busy doing positive things and focusing on anything BUT the relationship and the arguments. If, when he does contact you again, you are still focused entirely on the same things, it is just going to make him more likely to not want to jump right back into the relationship.
Focus instead on getting to the bottom of why you tend to worry about things so much. Do a little searching around on the internet and see if you can find any good articles, books, blogs, or websites that address such matters. There is a wealth of free information and help out there for virtually any problem that a human being might have. Wouldn't your time be well spent getting some possible answers for why you tend to worry a lot?
Then, you can pass the time constructively, and when he does contact you again (which he definitely will if you absolutely do not try to contact him again for now) there will be some positive new direction on your part.
And one more thing that I suggest you write down, in your own words, somewhere where you can see it often, like a diary or a note on the dresser (these are my own words and are not meant to sound profound, and exactly what it means is probably a little different for every couple):
When you are apart from the one you love, it is almost always the negative memories that first sink to the bottom, making the positive so much more prominent or obvious.
Realizing this has allowed me to relax during times of separation that are the result of excessive arguing. When things seem to be getting bad for no reason, maybe taking a few days apart will allow both of you to remember all the things you love about the other.
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A
female
reader, natmarie +, writes (6 February 2011):
 Hi. I have had this problem for 8 months!! It is definetley a control issue on his side - and as one reader said - if you have self esteem issues, it is easy for him to get away with it. I am in counselling trying to get my esteem issues sorted, as I know there is no way, I should have stuck around this long. This guy goes off for weeks a time when he doens;t get his own way, and does the silent treatment, then I get really anxious and start calling etc.. he ignores, hen eventually comes back. It;s really wearing, and I am looking for a new man , as that seems the only way out. I don;t have the strengh to just end it like that. Your guy will keep doing this as a way of keepg you under control. That's what he is like, and it's not going to change. I sympathise with you, as it burns up alot of energy with all the worry and not knowing. Maybe you should think about finding someone else. Not easy when you love someone, but this guy wil do it to whoever he dates.It;s pretty nasty. I have tried every which way to sortmine out , but no chnage. I am determined to get out of this. I whs you luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2011): This is the second time he has done this, you two have had a row, then he disappears for a week, that isn't going to sort it out, By doing it he is saying, you have annoyed him and you have to sit and wait on the naughty step until he decides to come back to you. That this is not just an indicator of an unstable relationship but also of an unstable person.
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A
female
reader, TheBends +, writes (6 February 2011):
TheBends is verified as being by the original poster of the question@babygirl63 It's way tough to stick to your guns and it's great to be someone being stong on it. I know I should be strong too.
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A
female
reader, TheBends +, writes (6 February 2011):
TheBends is verified as being by the original poster of the question@bernard. I tend to agree, I can get paranoid. But I'm not going to be running after him. He still comes online and everything, does the same stuff he always does, it's just that he doesn't want to talk to me. I just wasn't really sure if I was being a mug waiting for this guy who doesn't want to talk to me at all. I'm just concentrating on my studies right now instead.
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female
reader, TheBends +, writes (6 February 2011):
TheBends is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Blonde68 I think you're right. I was just concerned at the length of time he's been gone for and I didn't know if I really should be doing more but I think your advice is bang on.It's hard but I will try keep my distance and get on with my own stuff for the time being. I think my problem is that I'm always trying to fix things and it's not really mine to fix. Thanks for the good advice!
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female
reader, amandab +, writes (6 February 2011):
hi, i felt sad reading your comments. its hard to have long distance relationship at the best of times but when you are 18 it seems to be harder. i am a bit worried about this controling behaviour that he has by sulking, if you think of a toddler who does not get his own way he/she sulk to get what they want. you are on the reciving end of this behaviour and because you seem to have a few issues with yourself esteem he can get away with it, then you are greatful for his return. will he come back, most ;ikley and will you take him back yes, but please remember he will continue to use this tactic with you.
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A
female
reader, babygirl63 +, writes (6 February 2011):
I am kinda sorts going through something very similar.I told the man I've been ivolved with for quite a bit longer than you that I was tired of his game playing and when he wanted to be involved with a REAL woman that he knows doesn't play games and has his life sorted out then he can look me up.His response to this was him telling me to "Go on with my life".I was like oh really. After all that has gone on and the time that we have been together this is what I get?Please life is way too short for games.Will either guy come back? Who in the world knows.Most of them do EVENTUALLY when they realize what they did etc... and if neither of them do OH WELL.In the end it will be their loss not yours or mine.
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A
female
reader, Shelley Harris +, writes (6 February 2011):
 Hi,
I'm sorry that you're having problems. You say you worry about everything and if that's true it's going to put a strain on your relationship. I'm sure he has been really kind and propped you up a few times. A person can only do this so much until it gets harder and harder. If you say things about yourself and put yourself down, after a while the other person gets resentful because he is telling you nice things but it isn't having any effect. To make this relationship work you NEED to work on your insecurities and learn how to not worry. When people have low self esteem which is what I think is happening here, then they are like a bottomless pit and whatever anyone says doesn't make any difference. People soon get fed up. I suggest you tell him you will get help with your worrying and go and seek out a confidence course or something. He needs to know that you will not always be like that. You owe it to yourself to a confident and empowered women. I help women just like you for a living. Strategies 4 Life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2011): I would stop contacting him for now. You might be making him feel cornered. Let him have the space to contact you.
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A
female
reader, Blonde68 +, writes (6 February 2011):
Men tend to go into their man caves for a while when they don't want to talk... this is why they don't answer our texts or emails, and the more we contact them, the longer they take to come back out of it.
I am affraid all you can do is give him some space... he obviously has got something on his mind, but you keep contacting him isn't going to make it any easier.
Try and remain patient, and see if you hear from him, but trust me, the more you text or email the more he will back off.
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A
female
reader, kimkimkim  +, writes (6 February 2011):
Yes he will come back, think positive.
When you do, the universe conspires you to achieve it,
But at this moment, he needs space. dont call him and text him or do anything.
Let him decide what he wants, you dont decide for him.
Its his life too.
Meanwhile, you divert your mind,
within a few days the dust will settle down and what he wants will be apparent.
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