A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Ok, so I've been dating this girl I met a couple of months ago. And it started off great! She was crazy about me and she had strong feelings towards me. She loved my personality, my confidence, my great sense of humor... Things were going very smoothly. And even though it was somewhat of a long distant relationship, we were still going great. We even had plans about moving in together and stuff like that.But the problem started a couple of days ago when I started to become more clingy and a little desperate. And I know she's a very busy person, she works a lot and she has school. But for some reason I became more clingy and I started calling her a lot and texting her constantly like I was a baby needing attention. I know what I was doing was wrong and it's a big turnoff, but I didn't realize what I was doing until she told me that she lost interest in me. Then, a couple of days afterward, I tried contacting her again and I knew I shouldn't have but I really didn't like how it ended before and I wanted to fix it. The thing is I'm 21 years old I've been with quite a few women but none of the women I've been with were as amazing and precious as she is, so I was scared to lose her. I'm willing to do anything and everything to be with her again. She's one in a million and she means the world to me. She sounded very annoyed because of the fact I kept contacting her again and didn't give her space, but I told her that I'm going to give her some space. But the fact is we are so compatible with each other she even thought so too. She told me that she has a lot of stress in her life and I was annoying her by texting her and calling her too much. I don't want to lose her so please help me. So my question is how do I get her to be interested in me again? She told me that I have all the qualities she ever looked for in a man. I really don't want to lose her and I feel like I still have hope in fixing this problem. She and I are so compatible and I finally found the right girl, but because of my insecurities clingyness I made her lose interest in me and I really don't know what to do... Any advice would be much appreciated. But one thing is for sure I'm not gonna lose her. She's too precious to me.
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male
reader, Wheeler +, writes (6 February 2011):
 Please, for the sake of your sanity and future, listen to what I have to say and do it!!!!
By the time she is actually willing to tell you, it has gone past the point where you can do anything to fix it. That does not mean you have no chance of eventually being back with her, it just means that if you do end up back with her it will not be your decision.
Think of it this way, if it is blatantly clear to you the many ways that you were being unreasonably needy and clingy, then how much more so do you think she sees it?
It is also a warning sign that you are so convinced the two of you are "so compatible" that you have to be together, when even you admit that in one extremely significant way you are not compatible with her. She doesn't like feeling smothered, and you tend to be smothering.
Consider the following two perspectives:
1) For someone in your position, because you are so focused on her and being with her, every minute you don't talk to her seems like forever, and you are probably checking your phone every few minutes for that very reason.
2) She is probably going about her usual business, working and doing whatever she does with her day or night, and therefore time is passing in chunks of days or even weeks.
Which of these two perspectives is healthy and normal? If you decide to buckle down and really not talk to her for a long time, then two torturous days later finally give in and text her, she is just gonna be annoyed again.
And that is the other thing. Once you have crossed over into "annoying" territory to a girl, you are seriously in trouble. No matter what your intentions, or how carefully you plan, ANY contact from you is going to be unwelcome.
So, why am I telling you all these things you didn't want to hear and probably desperately hope aren't true? Because someone needs to be honest and tell you. And because I have been on both sides of this coin.
But, more importantly, because it is not a healthy and reasonable perspective, and the sooner you begin to gain more balance you will be happier, and will be able to make someone else happier. And please don't think I am talking down to you, as I have my fair share of issues to work through!
Go look up this book on that popular website for book purchasing that shall remain unnamed: Facing Love Addiction, by Pia Mellody. This book will very clearly explain all sides of this matter.
And one last thing. Can you identify at all with this statement:
I seem to have an insatiable appetite for constant and/or unconditional positive regard from my significant other.
I know I used to feel that way, and didn't even realize it. That is simply too much to ask from another human being, and the sooner people like us realize that the sooner we will begin to find more fulfillment in our relationships.
You have to completely cease contacting her. Then work on yourself so that your focus truly has shifted away from her. And let time take care of the rest. There is simply no other way to handle this situation.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2011): You are only 21! Focus on developing YOU for a little bit. Nothing is more attractive than a man with his own thing going on... Join a dojo, tennis club, dancing, or anything that excites you. If in a little while, you are still doting on her, invite her to one of your special events (along with several other friends). Let her see you shine, on your own!
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A
female
reader, Blonde68  +, writes (6 February 2011):
Absence makes the heart grow fonder.... I seriously suggest you give her some space. Sorry to say this, but women do find clingy men a turn off so I advise you to back off for a while.
Stop the texting and the emailing and with time, her head will become clearer and she may start wondering what you are up to and missing you.
In the meantime, go out with friends, take up a hobby, anything just to fill that empty space.
If you don't think you have the willpower to back off a little then I suggest you delete her number out of your phone and also delete her email address. If she wants to be with you she will then contact you. Otherwise you could seriously blow this.... be patient, you will be glad you did in the end!
Good luck!
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A
male
reader, LovelessAct1 +, writes (6 February 2011):
First off, you seem to have a good handle on your emotions. Even if you did do things she might see as clingy, you are perfectly aware of what you did and realize that your actions weren't compatible with what she wanted. From here, it will be a lot easier to be conscious of it as to avoid this hassle in the future.
But right now, she still thinks you're clingy and wants her space. I don't know how expressive you are of your feelings when you talk in person, but you seem to be able to get your point across well enough when you write it down. And since she doesn't want you contacting her constantly, I would take all of your thoughts and feelings about everything and write them down in the form of a letter or email. Explain your actions, how you realized it was clingy, but also how its because you feel so strongly for her that you acted that way. Give her your full argument towards your actions, HOWEVER, also admit that you went about it the wrong way and want to respect the space that she wants.
In the form of a letter, her space isn't violated. You can simply send her a text saying that you sent her an email or mailed a letter to her and let her do the rest.
One thing that always helps relationships, if both are willing, is open communication. This is tough because right now she doesn't seem to want communication. But give her the time and space she's requested and once she comes around, talk with her and tell her that at the very least you want to be able to work on things so this doesn't happen again.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2011): It is simple... you just have to give her as much space needed but at the same time keep her close so that she doesn't slip away in the process... but if things are meant to be she'll stay and appreciate the space you will be giving her. Support her rather than cause added stress. Ask her what you can do to help with the stress load and you two will be just fine. And as always a message or two a day will be just fine but refrain from too much texting..
Good luck and all the best!
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