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female
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*em121
writes: I have been with my boyfriend for 4 yrs and I love him very much and don't wont to lose him. But this morning I found a porn film in his room. We have descused porn before and I've explained that I personaly don't like it. But the issue is that I have walked in his room previously before and he's quickly switched the tv off. I then found that dvd stashed on top of his shelf and he denied watching it and it being his. I feel hurt and unattractive and that he doesn't find me attractive anymore. Am I wrong to feel this way? What can I do make him understand how I feel or how to stop feeling this way?
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female
reader, Kitty_Kat_Angel +, writes (24 February 2006):
You should not feel unattractive. this guy love YOU! not just you body, YOU! Porn is just a fantacy. those girls dont even look like that in real life, they have loadsa make-up n oli n fancy clothes put on to meet guys fantacies. its natural n healthy for everyone to have fanacies, even if we're with someone. You should talk your feeling over with your boyfriend but maybe not be so focused on making him understand you. Try and understand him aswell. Ask him why he feels he needs porn. Dont jump to conclusions and dont judge him wen he tells you. You're probably not always there when he feels horny, or maybe youre not the kind who will have phone sex. therefore instead he might want to relieve himself and some guys need visual stimulation to do that. Guys are mush more receptive to visual stimu that women. Maybe listen to some of his fantacies and try them.Above all you need to communicate and listen to EACH OTHER and not judge each other but try and understand.make a compromise
A
male
reader, ourchosenpaths +, writes (18 February 2006):
 It sucks if he's lying to you about it being his, but it's his call whether he watches porn or not. Also, is there a reason he isn't watching porn? Maybe inactivity in the bedroom?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2006): I don't believe some of the pathetic replies on this page, especially from the male species! These men are jerks and are using 'it's a man thing' excuse - weak, weak, weak. Women have sexual needs too, women see other attractive men too but the majority of women are strong and loyal to the man they are with. Yes, there are exceptions but men who use porn are kidding themselves. If the woman in their lives is not fulfilling their needs, then go out and find another partner and stop using porn as a substitute for the real thing which is far more satisfying and rewarding in a relationship. Porn is nothing more than a multi million profit making sham and no wonder with all these hollow husks of men around! If men put as much effort into their relationship with the woman they choose to be with then they definitely would not need to view these sluts who are insult to womankind.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2006): It's only porn. ALL men masturbate, it's certainly healthier that he watches porn rather than goes out and finds other women to fulfill his fantasies.If this is how stressed you get over something unimportant, I'd really worry about what your reaction would be if something serious came along
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A
female
reader, amandairene +, writes (18 February 2006):
You shouldn't feel bad. It's not something with you personally. It's just that he may like a bit of stimulation and his dvd gives him this. Would you feel any different if it was a playboy mag? Maybe that might help you. The other thing is, what level and variety is the porn? you need to ask yourself these types of questions. If it is anything that is questionable, get out and go. Otherwise if it's just your average porn, relax. It's good he's not pressuring you and that he isn't cheating on you either. It is purely a fantasy thing i'm sure.
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A
male
reader, GLforever +, writes (18 February 2006):
 I think the biggest issue is the lying. Why is he lying about watching porn? Is he embarrassed about what he is doing, or is he afraid of what your reaction will be, or something else?
Personally, I am not much into the type of porn your BF seems to be watching. I don't find those women very attractive at all. I go more for the written stories.
I think many men use porn to satisfy desires they have that they cannot satisfy with the women in their lives. Perhaps he is into Asian women - if you are not Asian, how is he to satisfy those desires except through porn, or by cheating on you with an Asian woman. It is not realistic to ask him to ignore or to just stop having those desires.
Of course, EXCESSIVE watching of porn can be a real problem. It sounds like poster number two's husband has become obsessed with porn - probably not a good thing. If your BF is not doing it excessively, then you should consider why you object to his porn usage. Is it the actual watching of porn that bothers you, or are you bothered by the idea of him masturbating while thinking of women other than you?
Men (as a group) have two big secrets that I am always surprised that more women are not aware of. First, most men masturbate (at least occasionally) to some form of porn. Second, most men are sexually attracted to young girls - as in just about any girl past puberty. Men know that women don't like either of these, so they tend to keep quiet about them.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2006): This is so damn hard trying to explain to some females. Pornography may be an addiction to some people, but not all obviously. Just because your bf/gf/wife/husband looks at porn, doesn't mean dick. Sometimes, guys, can't say for girls tho; look at porn for sexual stimulation. The way the body of a female looks - hot, horny, and full of sexual explosion is a part of what we like and admire. It's like listening to music or observing painted art. What if your boyfriend loved painting more than anything including you? Then would you be upset? Again!? [sigh]Anyway back on topic. Sometimes, guys like the quick release. In the moment sort of emotion. It is a NATURAL attraction. Just like some of us are attracted to Porsche Turbos and McLaren F1s. It gives us certain chemical reactions. My gf points out other hot guys and it makes me a little upset - very little. I point out other cute girls, but assure her that she's the yummiest, we joke, etc. Heck I always joke to her about putting some clear heels on her, and licking kit kat bars! [laughs] Big deal your bf watches porn! [sigh] Watch some people give me negative rating for posting this... 8P
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2006): I posted the last problem letter before yours and really feel i should answer you with my own personnal experience. I know the letter below mine will be of no help to you at all. It's not your fault and there is nothing wrong with your dislike of porn, most people are sick of having it shoved down their throats constantly in normal day to day life. If you don't like porn then don't feel pressursed into thinking it is normal and you should be more willing to share it with him when in fact your boyfriend is not willing to share it with you as he is doing it in secrecy. What is normal is a strong, trusting bond between two people who love one another. My husband used porn before we met and over the next 20 years of our relationship in secret. It went on until I discovered the title of a deleted porn picture on our computer called very appropriatetly, 'sex all by myself!' Which to this day he has still never explained. Anyway to go back to the beginning I too told him at the start of our relationship that i did not like or want to be with the type of man who oggled other women, either in the street or in papers/magazines. They are sad and an embarrassment to the woman they are with. My husband ASSURED me he wasn't like that and so our relationship began. I trusted what he said and thought I had found the man I had been waiting for, sounds corney but true. We had our ups and downs like most married couples and our sex life was never red hot but I believed he was totally devoted to me (like I was to him) and I certainly trusted him which made up for what was lacking. Then I found the title of that deleted picture. My stomach turned and I called him to the computer to show him it. Even though he had been caught without any warning he was very quick to explain he had been curious and it had been a one off look and he had never done it before and wouldn't do it again. The first of many lies. Something nagged away and I started looking more carefully at what was on the computer and I found the remains of porn diallers, links to porn websites and files etc. Then he admitted he had been looking but it wasn't a problem and would give it up and we could use this to make our marriage better. I believed him and even contemplated having another baby! Thank god I didn't!! Then in an argument it came out he had still been using newspapers ie the sun, mirror, star and sport to wank over at work in the toilets, sometimes up to three times a day. I felt like I didn't know this person, it was just and ideal image I had dreamed up and my whole married life had been a fake and I had been used to just take care of his needs like a mother would while he got his sexual pleasures from fantasising over porn. He was addicted to porn and it felt just as bad as him having an affair with another woman. I felt like I should leave him but with a young daughter and no way of supporting a good life for us both I thought it was better if we could sort it all out and use it to turn our marriage around. He too even promised he would be a much better person and the best was yet to come. How wrong I was. It definitely hasn't worked out like that. My husbands lack of willingness to talk, his lies and the hurt and anger I feel is making our marriage a living hell for both of us and our daughter who is now 12 years old. Show this reply to your boyfriend and tell him pornography is poisonous and as addictive and soul destroying as being addicted to drugs/alcohol. Porn is hollow and nothing will ever be gained by it, it's just a massive money earner for those people who produce and participate in it. The men who view it are weak and shallow. You must get this sorted out with your boyfriend before you take your relationship any further. His secrecy and lies prove he knows what he is doing is wrong. Don't go down that path, you and your boyfriend deserve more out of life than pornography can ever give you. It does not satisfy, the hunger for it just gets more intense and to keep getting the 'hit' the porn must become stronger and harder, where does it end? If he can't give it up then please be strong enough to move on or you will end up like me, depressed with no pleasures in life and obssessed by your boyfriends addiction. Be strong and listen to your inner voice. X
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A
female
reader, Creampuff +, writes (17 February 2006):
 Have you sat down and talked to him about it, told him how it makes you feel? Personally porn dosnt bother me, i get what ur feeling tho. Does it bother you and make you feel that bed you would want to finnish with him?, maybe you could comparmise a little and watch it with him or at least be in the room with him, is there any harm in trying? It may lead to more open relationship and he wont have to hide these things from u.
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