A
female
age
30-35,
*eighleySky
writes:Hey Agony's :)I just wanted to get the older and younger generations views on premarital children. I see that a lot of people nowadays are having children before even thinking of marriage. I was just curious as to what all of your opinions were. I'm very opinionated myself and i want to be married for atleast a year before i have a child, my parents married after they had me and it turned out they weren't compatible so i guess thats my reasoning for it. I'd appreciate all of your opinions, it would really help with my relationships topic in psychology as were going to be doing 'how social change affects the views of marital relations' or somthing to that affect.Thanks :D Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (17 April 2011):
 Dearest Birdy, I think you are right about why people don't give that much importance to having both parents at home. I never had both, so I cannot possibly know what it is like. All I can say is, I lived my life, the only way I could.
A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (17 April 2011):
 The choice to marry or not to marry doesn't have any effect on a couple who doesn't stick together when the going gets tough; that happens whether or not you marry.
I chose to marry for life. I meant my vows when I said them. Some people don't take this commitment seriously or choose wisely.
I'm not saying it's easy; but having children without choosing their Father as your partner for life will impact your kids whether or not you choose to marry. Not marrying will not spare them the pain of not having a full-time father or a live-in partner. You can pretend that it doesn't make a difference - but kids hate to be different; although that might not be a the case these days - but a child will still FEEL and grieve the missing parent. This is something that people should be considering when they choose alternate families. It's going to come up for that child - like it or not.
I get the feeling that the people who discount the importance of having an intact family are the same people who are scarred by not having one.
Shouldn't we be trying to strive to give children that whole picture just because of this rather than dismissing the importance of all of that?
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reader, Danielepew +, writes (16 April 2011):
May I only add that, in my opinion, a stable family is a great thing, but, in my humble opinion, this shouldn't happen because tough laws demand it so. Or because public opinion would be against you.
I wonder if I will not make myself misunderstood here, but I think that the ceremony, the "I now pronounce you" and the signature on legal papers are not what makes a happy or lasting marriage. It is the two partner's feelings and wishes to make it work.
I know that some people will agree with me if I say that it is very sad to think that some people stay together because it would be too expensive and too complicated to get a divorce.
Marriage has lost much of its appeal in later times because of the many legal obligations that come with it. Not only do you marry, you make yourself liable to many
ChiGirl raises an interesting point. Say you were a man who truly loved his significant other and had children with her before marriage. Such a man would feel linked to his woman and children, and this would come from his heart. Would it be better if it came from the force of law instead? Suppose this man and his woman stay together for 25 years, which is more than what modern marriages last. How would that be damaging to the kids? And why would it be bad to have kids in that situation?
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reader, KeighleySky +, writes (15 April 2011):
KeighleySky is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you for all of your opinions, i got quite a range of different ideas on it. I understand that marriage now harbours less importance than a couple of decades back, and im glad this change has occured. I guess from my point of view i see girls younger than me giving birth to children and there fathers dont stick around, or they do and they end up hating each other. It just seems that if the laws were still so strict on marriage as they used ot be then maybe this wouldnt be happening. But thats my view on things, i want to be married because i've seen the effect of divorce on myself and my brothers and i never want to put my children through that. Again thank you for all of your opinions, im really grateful that you took the time to post your ideas on this. xx
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (15 April 2011):
 Men in Norway don't want to marry and do not see the point of it. They think having kids with a woman shows enough commitment, and once they have kids and a home together they are settled with that and see marriage as a waste of money and time and rubbish.
I don't agree to that, I value marriage. Growing up with a mother and father who do not speak to one another (were never married) was not easy, and I decided from childhood that I would marry someone first and then have children, and then stick to the person I married no matter what (except abuse and the like).
A lot of people who have parents who are married, or parents who are not married but still living together, don't feel a need to marry themselves because they do not see the point to it. So I think it depends a lot on how you grew up yourself, and what your own values are, in addition to cultural change.
Marriage in itself has lost a lot of its purpose in modern society, thus many young people do not see the point of it, other than marriage being about a "declaration of love and a big party". To me marriage is much more than that, but each to their own.
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reader, dmartin89 +, writes (15 April 2011):
 I plan to have a large family, AND I plan on never getting married.
Marriage isnt for me or my partner. Whats the point?
We're not religious, we dont beleive in God or anything else, we dont see the need for our relationship to be "legalized".
Marriage doesnt give stability for childeren. Having a good relationship with communication and willingness to work on it does.
Having similar views of how you want to raise you childeren is important.
My partner and I love eachother and are commited. We dont need a certificate to validate us.
He has been married before, to a woman who turned out to be crazy and he had to file a restraining order against her.
I dont know if the love I feel for my partner now will be the same in 5 or 30 years time. I dont want us to feel obligated to be with eachother because of the time we have been together. I dont want us to have to go though a horrible expensive divorce.
You can raise childeren and not be married.
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reader, Inbetweener +, writes (15 April 2011):
My mum had me and my brother whilst unmarried (we have different dad's). I've met my dad once and my brother doesn't know who his dad is and he's 20. It sucks not having the second parent there and I believe had they been married I wouldn't now live in a hostel and have a homeless brother I'd have a life with a family. Having children out of wed-lock sucks.
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reader, Danielepew +, writes (15 April 2011):
Where I live, many people had and still have children before they marry, if they marry, that is. Society used to frown on this, only not too much and not for too long because most people did it anyways. My view on this, then, is that it should be your business (I mean you and your significant other's).
Your parents married when they had you. Maybe they married out of a sense of responsibility towards you. I think that is a bad idea. If mum and dad have nothing in common, their marriage will eventually end in divorce, and the children will suffer this. So, if you were pregnant, I would advise that you did not marry for the sake of your child only.
It would be much better if you did what you say you will do: not have children until you're sure you can rear them in a more or less stable and happy household.
I like Birdy a hell of a lot, but I am in a little disagreement with her regarding her opinion that children would rather live in a family with both parents. Based on my experience, I can say that, in my particular case, I wouldn't have wanted my parents to stay married for my sake. The partners invariably hold grudges against each other, and they may even take it on the child because they are staying married "for him", which easily turns into "he is to blame for this". So I don't think I would go for that. I recognize some people would.
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reader, C. Grant +, writes (15 April 2011):
 One of the real eye-openers about DC is the number of people who seem quite blasé about having kids without marriage. I don't know if that's because those are the people who happen to find this site or if it's really a reflection of what's going on in society. As a parent I know that raising well-balanced kids is very difficult. And I've watched all too many kids caught up in failed and serial relationships, and seen the trauma and confusion that results.
Personally I think that if we're going to bring children into the world we have to do our best to give them the most stable, loving and nurturing environment we possibly can. The most reliable way to do that is for the parents to have a committed relationship beforehand.
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reader, birdynumnums +, writes (15 April 2011):
Try viewing your question as viewed by the child raised inside of the situation that you are asking about. The child should come first. So, logically, the parents should be married first. Wouldn't that be the logical conclusion?
If you WERE to actually put the views and needs of the child being raised first - then I would assume most people would want to be raised in a two parent married home.
Unfortunately, there isn't much planning these days - but the kids do pay the price. You can dislike this answer - but the kids that have to go through unsettled homes and lifestyles have more problems getting through school, more problems socially and seem to struggle more - the statistics and tests are out there.
You can rationalize things the way that you like; but the fact is that parenthood is supposed to be a selfless undertaking.
Children are naturally flexible and bendable, but at what cost to their future?
Put them and their needs first.
That's what a Mother or Father should do.
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reader, The Realist +, writes (15 April 2011):
 I think marriage should come first because alot of marriages seemed forced because of the kids. Also it shows a more stable (even though alot of marriages in divorce) environment for the children where they parents can't split apart so easily leaving the child torn in between. You should be forced into marriage because of a child but it just seems that marriage at least sets the ground for a better environment for the children.
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reader, davidale  +, writes (15 April 2011):
I had my daughter as a result from a one night stand (her mother and I are not together) and I hate the thought of her asign how I met her mother. No one wants to hear "well dear, we were drunk at a party and then you came along". Personally I think we (the younger generation) are WAY to free when it comes to sex.
Marriage is something that should be enjoyed beofre a child comes along, ones there are kids involved "me" time no longer happens. I think it is best for the couple to get a chance to experience life together first, travel, learn a new skill together, fight, cry do what ever just enjoy life together first.
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