A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my GF for 3 years now, but our relationship is missing sexual tension. I'll try to be as honest as possible. You will judge my behavior as selfish, and I will not object, but know that when I'm changing my GF to my tastes, I'm trying to save the relationship by making her attractive to me. I know how sick that sounds, which is why I'm turning to you.I just close my eyes and imagine stuff when we have sex. I usually turn off the light so she doesn't distract me, it's that bad. It works, but it feels like masturbation. Therefore, I lack the incentive to have sex. I blamed it on porn desesetizing me and layed off of it for two weeks, but that didn't fix our sex-life. Probably because the process is mostly irreversible. With the porn gone, Ive gotten hornier, but not torwards her. When we do have sex, I can come quicker, but the sex is still not passionate. She was the one who initiate the relationship. I wasn't interested at first, I liked her as a friend, but I was not into her sexually, even though she presented herself.After a year, I went to date her. I wanted to lose my virginity and she was the best chance I had. I see nothing wrong with that, but I feel like an asshole for starting a relationship and telling her I loved her. She knew I was lying, but wanted me so bad so she didn't object.I enjoyed our relationship (except for the arguments, which were very frequent in the beginning), we have many common interests and sexual fantasies, and after she started putting on make up and getting sexy clothes and piercings she was also quite sexy, but I'm still not attracted to her as much as I'd like to. Note that it was me who persuaded her in the first place, but she likes her new look and does it on her own now. I tried to break up with her three times, she was devastated every time because she loves me so bad and since I like her very much it was very hard for me too. The first time we went from 'broken up' to 'still friends' to 'roommate' (she didn't like her home, so I let her stay over) to 'friends with benefits' to 'back together' in a matter of days. Each of these steps was a courtesy torwards her because I couldn't bear seeing her unhappy and I couldn't explain my problem rationally. The other times I didn't even get as far. After telling her our sex is not satifying and I would like to experience sex with other girls, she even allowed it, but this didn't happen yet. Just a threesome with a friend who couldn't let herself go (me neither) and ended up kissing with my GF while I took my GF from behind. I blame my unability to pick up other girls on the fact that picking up girls is not as easy when you're in an LTR. But that's another story and (probably) not a solution to my problem, but a good reason to stay with my GF.We suspected it was us being together too much and tried getting some distance, but it didn't fix the problem either, just left her longing and me doing other stuff. She even changed her appearance to fit my taste (she likes it tho), and although the problem would be worse if she didn't, it's still there. One reason for my lacking attraction would be her body type. She isn't fat or anything, just a normal, healthy 57 kg (132 pounds) teen with bigger tights, a round face and a little belly. I really feel like an ass for writing this. I even told her it'd help if she lost some weight, and she's still with me. I suggested doing some sports together or dieting. We're working on the sports thing, looking for some fun sports, but it's hard to motivate her to do cardio if she's comfortable with her body. I don't know if my problem is fixed by losing her some weight (the asshole aspect aside), it would help but I suspect even if she had a perfect body I would get bored again after a while, as this happend with all the other changes. It's like masturbatig to the same porn over and over.Now, here are my options: 1. Continue being with her, trying to "work on our sex-life", even though there is simply not enought attraction. Enjoy the comfort of our relationship and the fun we have together. We spend most of the day together, have fun, do things best friends would do with an occasional slap on the ass in between. I like that very much, but she needs more sex. 2. Break up with her and break her heart. She will be emotionally crippled afterwards. Never see her again because that would drive her insane, lose my best friend, the person who understands me and everything else listed above. Be alone most of the time.On the other Hand, be single and have the opportunity to date girls, experience sex like I want to, wild, passionate, anonymous, promiscuous. Not a good option overall.Thank you very much for reading this, please share your opinion.
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female
reader, sunshinesmile  +, writes (4 April 2011):
I think you're totally right in saying that the porn desensitized you. Porn has very damaging effects on the human mind and you should give it up completely and never go back. I suspect that even if you broke up with your gf and got a new girl who looked just like a porn star it would be enough only for a little while. As long as you continue to watch porn you're going to see women as objects and need more things to stimulate your interest.Trying to change someone to look the way you want them to is wrong and I'm glad that you see you have a problem. It's really not your fault that you are treating her this way it's the porn. Just think if a girl you really liked kept telling you that your penis wasn't big enough and she kept trying to get you to do things to make it bigger although there was absolutely nothing wrong with it. That's the equivalent of what you doing to her. I think its best for you both to go your own ways and for you to seek help for your porn addiction. Porn is a powerful drug that dulls the mind and kills the senses. In effect it has made you selfish, concentrating on your own needs instead of working together with your gf. I wish you all the best and thanks for being honest. Good luck.
A
female
reader, SweetSmoochy +, writes (3 April 2011):
 I think you realized that you sounded like an absolute scum-bag in your post and then tried to soften everything that you had said. At this point, I really don't know which is true. If you were only worried about being addicted to porn or wanted advice on having better sex, why did you feel the need to tell us that you changed your girlfriend for your own pleasure, even going so far as to have it as the title of the question? Maybe if you got counseling for a porn addiction, if you believe that is the problem, it would help.
You need to figure yourself out. I still stand by the breaking up option because you both will get over it easier than she'll get over the confidence issues you possibly-maybe-let's-dance-around-it have inflicted upon her. At any rate you two are un-balanced enough as a couple to consider infidelity, which is never a good sign. Honestly, it sounds like you two would make better best buddies than partners.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2011): I stand corrected OP,The fact that you were treating her a bit like a Barbie doll and your "restyling" her is what triggered my last response and question. I did notice you side-stepped that question though. Instead of telling us what sort of porn you liked, you made an evolutionary defense of fetishes:"One would imagine the more fetishes there are the partner is willing to act out or even shares, the better the sex is. After all, fetishes suceeded in evolution because they supposedly make sex easier, resulting in a higher birth rates."I think a lot of people would disagree with that claim. Fetishes can heighten a sexual experience for sure. But, a lot of the aunts on this site might also say that the problem with fetishes is that they have to keep getting more extreme in order to have the same effect...the same thing goes for porn. Many would also say that the problem with indulging fetishes or extreme porn is that it desensitizes you to ordinary real life sexual experiences. So perhaps you're right to blame these problems on the porn. Perhaps you've become sexually dependant on fetishes? If that's the case, you might want to see a counselor or therapist. It seems you enjoy sex as a way of chasing thrills rather than a way of being intimate with someone. Considering your age, the fact that you've lost your virginity to each other, and haven't really been with anyone else, that's not surprising. After I lost my virginity, I was intensley curious about sex too and felt more adventurous. There's nothing wrong with being adventurous as long as you don't hurt anybody, but what you're doing is manipulative to your girlfriend and apparently detrimental to yourself. I think maintaining this relationship is a waste of time for both of you. You've said so much about her emotional frailty and how she would be devastated without you, but it seems you stay with her out of a sense of convenience and emotional comfort as well. I also think you stay with her because you have doubts and insecurities that you could find what you want on your own. For instance, when offered a more ideal women in the threesome your girlfriend arranged, you didn't take advantage of it. You say that's a separate issue, but I doubt it is. I think you are just as dependant on her as she is on you for achieving some sense of normalcy and stability in life. I think you both of you probably do love each other, I think for you though, sex has become totally unhinged from reality and intimacy. I don't think it's a question of her adequacy, I think it's a question of your relationship to sex in general. You both deserve to pursue an independant life and identity. The relationship you maintain makes that impossible. I think you ought to break it up for your sake as well as hers. She'll get over you. I'm actually worried about you because it seems like you have a fetish addiction...If you don't sort that out or get over it, it can take you to some pretty dark places.Good luck.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (1 April 2011):
 you need to end this relationship. it's not fair to you or to her.
you will not emotionally cripple her. I hate to break it to you but she will get over you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2011): Ok, me again.
Thanks for your words. It's quite dicomforting to hear the consensus being "break up". I think you got me wrong. Maybe i descriebed our relationship one-sided by focussing on the problem and not the parts we like about it.
As for her, she loves me with all her heart. The changes she is going through might often be my initiative, but she accepted it as her new style and likes it. The only thing that's a hassle to her is putting on make up in the morning, on the other hand she likes being pretty, wouldn't leave the house without it and strongly considers being a make-up artist in the future. She is getting tattooed this weekend and it was all her idea. We're joining a dancing course today, and it was her initiative. One thing I might have changed about her was raising her self-esteem, doing things on her own. She acts very differently among people now, I feel like she's become more of a person of her own and not just "my girlfriend" to my friends. She has become more emotionally stable, and we argue less nowadays. She is very happy with me, so I don't think I'm putting her through anything except for those times I tried to break up. She is also happy with the sex we have, she just'd like it to happen more often (at least once a day). When I tell her couples lose interest in each other after a while, that it's normal, she obects and tells me she doesn't.
As for me, I am really happy with her, I love her deeply on the emotional level, I find her sexy (she is), and I'd accept mediocre sex as my curse in order to be with her. I was just hoping for a solution other than "break up". We worked very hard on our relationship, and besides my little problem, it is now functioning quite well. I would feel more like an asshole for breaking up over my issue.
I think we should focus on the sex issue. My attraction comes and goes, I wrote yesterday's post after we had a talk and she asked "name one instance when you were especially attracted to me". Today I could name several, I am looking forward to seeing her today and having sex with her. But I know I will start projecting images in my mind again. I will probably do this with any girl I'll be with. The stronger the images, the better the climax. I think this is my problem, not the changing part, that's just a symptom.
@ mishmash, interesting question, but last time I checked, I wasn't gay. But I did develp some fetishes, piercing for example, and we're sharing them and trying to play them out, it gets me aroused but sooner or later I'm closing my eyes again to complete the fantasy and reach climax. One would imagine the more fetishes there are the partner is willing to act out or even shares, the better the sex is. After all, fetishes suceeded in evolution because they supposedly make sex easier, resulting in a higher birth rates.
Most of the time we don't even make the effort to play and just jump into bed and fuck. It is easier for me to reach climax, just me and my fantasy, which is really sad because I want to enjoy it with her, look into her eyes, touch her, feel her, kiss her. I sometimes do that in between, and it feels good, I consider those times the good sex. I merge her with my fantasies, or imagine her being someone else. But I never managed to reach climax by just watching, kissing, feeling her. Which is what I want. So I am attracted to her, at least some times. Other times, especially when there is something on my mind, I don't get aroused at all. I am able to block it out by concentrating on something sexually really hard, but when I look at her, the arousal starts to go. Then the climax is quite dull. But most of the times it's somwhere in between those two cases.
Typing this out really helped me to get to the core of the issue. If that could be fixed, we would have a perfect relationship. And I do think there is hope.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2011): Break up with her once and for all. It's better to cut deeply once than slice away at her a thousand times which is what you're doing. At least she'll have a chance to heal.
You weren't romantically attracted to her from the start. Pushing her to make herself more appealing to you and pushing yourself to like her is just toxic to both of you.
You two are going to have to learn to accept disappointments and handle setbacks with grace. They happen, but they are not devastating.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 April 2011): Can I ask what sort of porn you've been "desensitized" by?From what you've posted, I understand the only reason you dated her was to lose your virginity. Apparently you don't enjoy having sex with her, you never enjoyed having sex with her, and yet you've managed to stayed with her 3 years and call her your best friend? That truly baffles me...I suspect your problem has less to do with her being unattractive, but much more to do with you not being attracted to women in general.
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A
female
reader, Jen1689 +, writes (1 April 2011):
 Break up, break up, BREAK UP!! I don't know why you'd want to stay with this girl out of pity. That doesn't do anything for you or for her. Sure, she may be accepting of the fact that you don't "love her", but down the road, she'll realize that not loving her and staying with her won't make things better for your relationship. Also, her changing for you won't make you attracted to her. Being with someone for three years doesn't mean that you are in love with their looks. To be with someone for that long means that you are happy with them and love being around them. If you're not attracted to her, it's probably not because you don't love her looks, it's probably because you just aren't happy with her. Also, you said that you've broken up before, but that you go back to her out of pity. What's that doing for you or for her? She needs someone who's going to love her for who she is, not someone who wishes to change things about her to want to be with her. And you deserve someone who makes you happy and that you feel you don't need to change to love. It's not hard to find what you want in a person when you truly love them. In fact, what they have becomes what you want even if you weren't looking for it. And the best part: you don't WANT them to change a thing =) Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (1 April 2011):
 The cardinal mistake in your attitude is that you're trying to get someone to change to suite YOUR taste. You think in turn thats going to save your relationship? This poor girl is so low on self esteem that she "wanted" you even though she knew you were lying, she changed her appearance to "fit" your "taste" and she even consented to your having sex with other girls, because that would make you happy!!OMG!! Stop with the ME, ME, ME already!!You're behaving worse than a spoilt 5 year old! All you want is YOUR happiness, YOUR sexual pleasure, YOUR way. And because this girl is bending over backwards to give you all that, you're becoming even more pricey and choosy. If its so bad, just break up with her! You've led her on enough as it is. She would be much better off without this constant pressure on her. Show her the post that you've written and let her see for herself what you think about her. Rest assured you will be single again in a jiffy.
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A
female
reader, Orbiter  +, writes (1 April 2011):
I think your only option is number 2.From what you've written nothing she can or will do is going to be enough for you to feel attraction towards her. If she's a healthy weight how will her becoming thinner drastically change that for you?It's not to do with porn either, many men watch porn and still feel sexually attracted to their partner.She also deserves someone who loves her, wants to be with her and finds her attractive just as she is. Yes she may well be devastated after the break up for a time but unless she has other problems she will get over it. So give her the option to find someone like that and yourself as well.
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A
female
reader, SweetSmoochy +, writes (1 April 2011):
Oh my God. I'm going to do my very best to refrain from calling you every synonym to bigoted and self-righteous I can think of. I do not judge people and I am a very kind advice giver on this site, but you sir are completely delusional if you think any part of what you are putting this girl through is acceptable.
This girl must have the LOWEST self esteem in the world to allow herself to be treated like this by anyone. If she thinks she loves you, she has no concept of how young she is or what love really means. If you have any honor or sense, which I really hope you do, though by the way you sounded in this question I seriously doubt it, you will leave her and cut off absolutely all contact with her, regardless of whether or not she tries to contact you.
She sounds like she is too weak to move on herself, so if you ever cared about her for an instant, you should do it for her, parting from her with something along the lines of "you deserve to be treated better than I have treated you, and once you realize that you will find a person who will treat that well." Eventually, she'll figure it out.
As for picking up more women, I seriously suggest you get a reality check before you try. A relationship is so much more than sex. If you want to get yourself off, go back to your porn and your hand. If you want to share a human connection, find someone you can treat as a human being.
Either way, free this poor young girl who is so delusional she is allowing herself to be changed by a person who will never think she is "good enough"
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A
female
reader, coolbeans +, writes (1 April 2011):
 I think it's funny how you've listed your options in conclusion.1. Is not going to work. You can't force something that is simply not right. I agree with you that you are kind of an asshole (although honesty is an admirable trait) for telling her to change so much. But the simple truth is, she is not nor will ever be the girl/girls you are desiring to be with. I'm sure she's perfect for someone or many someones, but just not you. 2. Ok Casanova, she will undoubtedly experience heart wrenching pain when you tell her that all she's done to appease you is simply still not enough. But as most young women who don't marry their high school sweethearts, she will get over her heartbreak eventually. As for "emotionally crippled" or "insane", I think those are terrible motivations for you to stay in a relationship. I mean, how long will you prolong the inevitable? She will get over you. We all do. We've all dated a guy like you at some point. And we all get over you and realize what a terrible choice to invest our heart in!
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