A
male
age
36-40,
*olinsky
writes:Hello,So there it is. A year ago I thought I'd be alright by now, but nothing has actually changed so far.To sum it up: I'm a 25 year old guy who has never been in a relationship. Needless to say - I'm a virgin as well.I've read some comments and threads similar to mine and some people said that it's ok to be that way and it can be far better than being in a bad relationship. Sorry, but you guys don't know what you are talking about. No disrespect here.Just imagine how I feel when I am faced with a fantastic girl, but I just don't have the guts to get a conversation going, becasue deep down I know that it shows on my face that I still am a virgin. You can tell that I am really inexperienced. And it's not the sexual experience that bothers me, but rather the fact that I've never been in a relationship. How would you feel about someone who's 25, but has always been single? I bet you'd think that there MUST be something wrong with him.If you've had bad realtionship - ok. People can relate to that. But if you've had no relationships AT ALL then - sheesh! You must be damaged in some way so you get the "No, thanks".Of course I have to lie to everyone I know that I have been in a relationship "once", because for a guy my age to be a virgin... that is a social death sentence. Nobody would understand or even try to understand my situation.Sometimes I sit and I wonder if it's that much that I ask for. I see couples on the street all the time. What do they have that I don't? I got all my limbs intact. I'm alright looking, got a pretty good job, some level of intelligence. Is it so much to ask for some love in this world?! Am I not worthy at all? I'm hurt and with every new day I feel more and more depressed and desperate. It's just not going to happen for me, is it? I will absolutely never join the rest of the world in this aspect? I will never know what it is to feel somebody close to you. I must've missed my time and now I'll linger and die alone. Probably from cancer in my next years to come, due to this constant stress.Love is lost to me. I trully and deeply envy you. You have no idea what you have. Help!!!
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female
reader, GSDfan  +, writes (10 June 2010):
 dont feel so down on yourself about it! not all women are interested in whether or not you are a virgin! i personally think it is a nice change to hear that some men out there havent had more sexual partners then they can count on both feet and toes at your age. So to me personally i wouldnt be put off by it. And i am sure there are other women my age who feel the same way.Like someone else said maybe if you try to stop thinking abt it so much the right one for you might just appear when you are least expecting her to! Please dont be so depressed about it though. Maybe you need some help with self esteem issues if you feel you are not good enough because you sound like a very decent person :)Keep your chin up, i hope things work out for you :)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2010): Yeah... By the time you're 25 going to 30, you realize you want to achieve a relationship because that's when everyone starts dating and starts getting marry. I feel the same way too even though I'm only 20! I have so much to do in life that I'm not worried about dating. Sometimes I just want to date so I won't feel so "left out", but I vow myself to never waken love until it so desires. I've tried to awaken love once and it turn out to be lust instead. People say "And people keep saying that love will come." but you say "Well, where is it? Shouldn't I have found it by now?" There is a truth to this statement. I believe that love grows, it doesn't come. If love will comes to you, then there's a reason why you haven't found it. This is going to be cheesy, but you let love grow like a flower, and it will be beautiful. If you force it to come, then it will only die faster.This will only be a burden to you if you make it a burden. I don't mind a 25 year old virgin. You can barely find people like that these days.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (6 June 2010):
 Sex is nice. It is quite lovely in fact when you have the right person. But listen to the other aunts and uncles here, they are giving you great advice. I in particular liked what MsBehavin says, but everyone is giving you great advice. I have to say I don't know much about being an older virgin, I just know how I react when I meet them.
But yes, stay honest! I can't believe it when girls come on here telling us how their guy was a virgin, but too ashamed and then lied about it to them. Those men were so insecure, and it makes me upset actually. Because lying is quite bad, and lying about your virginity is really bad. It is not at all a good way to start a relationship, so I highly recommend you stay honest.
I wish you the best of luck with relationships and hope that the advice you have gotten helps you!
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A
male
reader, Kolinsky +, writes (5 June 2010):
Kolinsky is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your kind words.
Chigirl:
Of course I wouldn't spill it out right away, but if she asks I just tell her?
maverick494:
20 does appear a long way back from where I stand now, but I do see your point and let me just say you've got some intelligence for a 20 year old. Kudos.
Thank you for your support. I'm sure you'll find someone eventually - odds are you will.
MsBehavin:
I always go with the "Could she be the one" attitude. How can I explain this... it's uhm... it's by default. I'm not thinking kids and marrige, but when I see a pretty girl I'm wondering what it would be like if we were together. I'm not sure I can help it.Thank you though. Confidence has always been a problem for me, which is pretty obvious by now.
mum45:
Because I feel that I do. It's not a society thing, but I really do feel the need to have a relationship at this point in my life. I've had the wonderful childhood, I had the go out and party nights, th education, my hobies and a great job that I never even dreamed about. Isn't a girlfriend next on the list? Feels to me that it is. And let me put it in perspective:
Top one priority in my life is having a family of my own. Since I don't really expect that the first girl I'll meet will be "the one", there will be a break up, then the "I hate my life" period and then more searching. Could take years. Don't get me wrong, but I don't want to be a father at 40.
Of course this is all very abstract, but still - that is my plan more or less.
Anonym. lady:
Of course the actual intercourse is not the problem. It's the relationship itself that I lack in my life. I'm pretty sure that sex is not all that's cracked up to be and I don't have high expectations, but the fact that I am still, to this point, single is messing with my head. Do I have confidence issues? Absolutely. Why else would I be still single. But then I figure that I'm only human and trying my best would do. But I guess my best wasn't good enough, huh. So here I am, complaining in a forum.
I will take your advice into consideration and befriend girls before I even think of anything else, but that has backfired in the past as you girls seem to put friend-ish boys right in the "friends" bucket. And once you're there, there's no going out.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2010): first of all, there is nothing to be ashamed about being a virgin at your age. in fact, i know quite a few people who were or still are virgins at a late age. one particular guy whom i met via the internet was 35 and like u never had a relationship. today hes living with a younger woman who had a lot of sexual experience in her life and whom he had met on the internet. i also know another guy who seems to have given up on women. hes 22 and has never been in a relationship. the fact that he is a virgin itself does not turn off other women, its the way he behaves around them - uncomfortable and hostile even.
and to top that all off, my current bf, who i have been with for 3 years, was a virgin when i firt dated him. he was so ashamed of being a virgin at 20 and for never having any experience with women that he chose to lie to me and told me he had been in a couple of relationships in the past. even though at first i doubted his past experiences (due to his shyness around women) i chose to believe him and when we did eventually have sex he was actually surprisingly way better than any of my past sexual encounters.
to be honest, due to our first sexual encounter my beliefs that he was not a virgin became reinforced because i found him to be quite good in bed.
it was a year later until he eventually confessed that i had been its first. even though i did not like the fact that he had lied to me i LOVED the thought of being his first. not only did i not have to worry about his other sexual encounters being better than me but also it made me feel much more strongly towards him and even made things seem more 'magical'and romantic in our rel.
i think that personally u are just using ur virginity as an excuse to mask away any of those real issues that prevent u from developing a relationship with a woman.
i think that u genuinely feel uncomfortable around the opposite sex and now u are simply using the fact that ure a virgin to justify this sense of fear and awkwardness.
i mean something must have held u back during ur adolescence to have prevented u from establising some sort of relationship. and it doesnt sound like uve ever had any real female friends in ur life.
maybe something happened to u to have developed a shyness around women. maybe u took a rejection really badly which made u shy away from developing any intimate relationships with women. presently, u seem to be handicapping urself with the whole virgnity issue which sounds like a form of social phobia.
to be honest, virginity is an intimate and personal subject one that should only really be shared when u have become close to a person. if u start developing a relationship now with a women, if she really likes u it would not matter to her if u are a virgin- i assume she would even take some joy and pleasure from it being ur first.
if u want advice i think u should either see a therapist to improve ur self-esteem issues or u should contact women through the internet.
im not just talking about dating websites (although thats a good option) but also other chat websites or forums.
one reason i mention the internet is that it could help u feel more comfortable and secure communicating with women. the anonymity that it provides will lessen a lot of ur fears/ anxiousness and u would be more able to talk more freely with a women and on a more personal level.
try to develope a friendship with them and see how it goes. if not a psychologist or psychiatrist could maybe help u understand why u feel this way and what has prevented u from meeting women in general.
dont loose up because ure exagerating ur problems and there is nothing to be ashamed about being a virgin.
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A
female
reader, mum45 +, writes (5 June 2010):
Why do you need another person to validate your life? Get out and do stuff, build your confidence and increase your knowledge so when you do meet a lady you will have lots to say and the rest will come naturally x
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A
female
reader, MsBehavin  +, writes (5 June 2010):
 Dude, it's all about perspective. If you're shooting yourself down before you even give a girl a chance, how will you ever even get the opportunity? You shouldn't put so much pressure on yourself. Think baby steps... approach a girl as someone new to meet & chat with - nothing more. Let nature take its course organically. If you spot someone that looks interesting, don't think, "Could she be the one?!" That's a sure fire way to choke. Just go slow. And be patient. You have to believe it will happen to make it happen!!
And, fwiw, my girls and I used to talk about the guy-is-a-virgin subject. Collectively we agreed it would be sexy to be someone's first because most of us never had the opportunity. The idea of a girl taking the lead and showing you the ropes might be a big turn on. You should start looking at this as an advantage. Maybe not something you should blurt out in the first 5 minutes of conversation, but if it comes up, I'd certainly recommend you not lie about it.
P.S. Don't be so hard on yourself; that's a confidence killer. And chicks dig confidence.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (5 June 2010):
I'm also a virgin. I'm 20 and I'm a girl. And no, I do not think anything is wrong with you. I also live at home, because that's easier than paying rent and working two jobs to make it. I'm working hard on my degree, with a small modeling job on the side to pay for the university fees. I also exersise every day, so it's not like I'm ugly and lazy.
Don't lie about being a virgin. I know that in today's society, people try to get rid of their virginity like it's a disease. Why do we have so many teen moms and young people with STD's? Because they're too naive to know what they're doing. In highschool, most of my friends had sex and boyfriends at a young age. Can't say they were happier than I was.
Everytime people ask if I've had a boyfriend, I tell them up front: "no." I do it in a casual way, because I don't care. When they see I have no problem with it, people usually ease up. When they ask why, I tell them "because I don't have the time and when I have a bf, I want to be able to give him the attention he deserves." I barely have time to meet up with my friends as it is.
The only times I have lied is when guys hit on me (and I don't like them back in that way). I know that's not right, but it's easy and painless, especially if you don't have acquaintances together that can make your lie come out. Ignorance is bliss, right?
Not being a virgin, you can't fake it. And well, if a guy can't appreciate me being pure, then to hell with him. He's not worth it anyway. Personally I'd love to have a guy knowing I'd be the first to him. Because then I don't have to live up to expectations of his exes. Also, I don't have to think about other girls he did it with in the past.
So try not to care about the virgin issue. Just live your life. Make a future for yourself. Once I'm getting my internship, I'm moving out. That could be an option for you. Be independent. Do stuff. You can live at home, but participate in sports, have a job, etc. Don't be the 15 year old stuck in 25 year old's body.
I know me being 20 might sound young to you. But I'll be honest, I don't see my situation changing very soon. So I'll probably be singing the same song at your age.
But you know what, atleast I'll have a degree, hopefully a job, I have friends I love and sports I do. Life could be worse, couldn't it? Love and relationships isn't all it's cracked up to be, you know. Don't be desperate. I've been approached by attractive men that were already married. That alone proves a relationship isn't the golden key to happiness. It takes a lot more than that.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (5 June 2010):
Now, why would you go up to any girl and tell her you are a virgin? That stuff is for when you have already gotten a girlfriend! That is private information you should not share with the rest of the world. Like, no one who's had sex goes around telling just about anyone how many partners they've had. Usually that sort of information comes along when you've already entered a relationship. So, if you really go around telling women that, I think you are over-sharing.
Keep that fact to yourself until you are close enough with another person that it is appropriate to share.
Also, have you considered that if you tell a woman up front that you are a virgin, she might think that you are picky with women and thats why you are still a virgin? She might not think you are interested in her at all because your virginity might be a signal that you are picky with women. If you are in love, that is what will matter to a woman. And how you treat her. I say focus less on the whole virginity thing and focus more on how you are as a person. Because THAT is what will get you a girlfriend or make you stay single.
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A
male
reader, Kolinsky +, writes (5 June 2010):
Kolinsky is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhere I live people are not very... understanding. If I was to tell a girl that I am a virgin that will kill my chances at once. It's not like I'm proud of lying, but what to do?
Like chigirl said: Yes, I do admit, my alarms go off when I meet a 25 year old virgin.
Well, it's not just gonna be you.
And people keep saying that love will come. Well, where is it? Shouldn't I have found it by now?
All of this makes me feel like I am the most unworthy and disgusting person on this planet. No one will give me the time of day and as time passes it only gets worse.
I'm sorry for being negative and I do appriciate the support, I really do, but time has taught me with a virtual certainty that what I want is just not going to happen. I missed my chance and now this whole "virginity" thing is stuck with me.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2010): Well I think your problem might be some confidence. You seem like a nice guy who just thinks that they will not get a girl. Girls will pick up on the fact a guy doesn't have confidence in himself. But really who the heck cares that your are a virgin at 25?
I've had boyfriends before, many in fact, and when I met my boyfriend, a man I'm almsot engaged too, I was only the second relationship he'd ever had. He dated a girl for a week when he was 15. He'd never been kissed. We were 18 at the time.
Honestly I love the fact that I'm the only person who's ever touched him in ANY way. Do you know how wonderful that is to a woman? To not have to worry what exes have done to their guy. I know that everything my bf and I have ever experienced together is completely new.
Don't lie about being a virgin. I'd prefer a virgin to anything else. I think you might be more suprised that you aren't the only 25 year old virgin, although it may feel that way.
I'd date you.
I think any girl who's sweet and actualy cares for you would date you. You just have to ask them out. Don't go to bars either, those aren't the type you should be looking for. Try asking a friend out, someone you care for and like. Or try the gym. The park. A club? Anything. CHURCH! That'd be a good idea.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2010): Ok, i'm sorry but i have to disagree with both of you. there is nothing wrong with a 25 year old virgin ( i am a 26 year old virgin ! ) . I have a lot of respect for people who can keep their virginity for a long time. The only difference is though, i am a virgin by choice, and partly because i am scared of losing my virginity,although i have done some sexual things, whereas i'm guessing you would want to lose your virginity if you were in a relationship ?. There's also nothing wrong with the fact that you havent had a relationship yet. Everyone develops at different stages.
I think you just need to work on your confidence and self esteem. When you see a woman you like, try to strike up a conversation such as asking her name, her age, where she is from, what her interests are, e.t.c. It could also help if you go somewhere that interests you, like joining some sort of club, for example, as you could meet women there who have the same interest and you'll have something to talk about. Or would you consider online dating ?. I know this could be risky, but it's just a thought?. I hope this helps.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2010): heyyy! I anderstand you... If I met you I wouldn't think that somehing is wrong with you, but that you never found the right person! You always have o be who you arte when you talk to a woman, and don't worry averything comes at a certain time, even if it is now or in 5 years. dON'T EVER CHOSE A GIRL BECAUSE YOU ARE IN ARUSH! that's the only thing that I really think you should strongly consider... apart from that don't worry love comes, just be patient.
byeeee
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (5 June 2010):
"Of course I have to lie to everyone I know that I have been in a relationship "once", because for a guy my age to be a virgin... that is a social death sentence"
Don't lie. I was thinking, when you wrote that" what is worse than a 25 year old virgin?", I was thinking... A 25 year old virgin who pretends to not be one. It is so fake. And if you don't have enough confidence to go up and talk to a girl you like, I don't for a second believe you can convince anyone that you've had one relationship. Because your insecurities and awkwardness will give you away.
Be honest! You want to find a girl who likes YOU right? Then stop with the lying, because no good woman likes a liar, or a guy who has to make himself into something he is not. So what, you are a virgin, and you never had a relationship. Be honest about why not. And please do share: why haven't you?
If you know why you haven't, you also know what you need to change in order to have a relationship.
Yes, I do admit, my alarms go off when I meet a 25 year old virgin. Especially if he is still living at home and doesn't make any money for himself. So how is that status for you? If you still live at home, look into getting out. Because what women think is: immaturity. If you can't make up for it with experience in the relationship section, get your maturity elsewhere, from living alone and being independent.
As a last note, my alarms go off even louder when I meet a 25 year old virgin who feels the need to lie about it. And don't think I can't tell. You'll find someone though. We all do. And you're lucky you're a guy, guys are socially allowed to be bachelors until they hit their 40-ties, and then are socially accepted to date women 10 years younger. So you have time.
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