A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Okay I just need to get this off my chest as im cracking up with it! To anyone who'll listen I need to get some advice about this. I'm 25 by the way.Around a month ago I found my girlfriends old mobile phone, I asked her if I could use it as mine was broken. So I put my sim card in and went to the text messages and the things I saw were a boyfriends worst nightmare, loads of dirty texts and picture messages from her ex-boyfriend. These texts included chats about the sort of sex they were having etc but worst of all there was pictures sent by the ex of him and my girl having sex. Im talking pictures of blow jobs, anal sex, vibrators, whips, sexy clothing... everything. As you can imagine I was sick to my stomach for weeks and even fell out with my girlfriend over it, I get over it an then it creeps back up on me 10 times worse. It makes want to leave the girl i love to pieces as I just cant look at her in the same way or see her as the girl i fell in love with and have good sex with.I get thoughts of 'was she having better sex before i was around', 'shes done it all before an i cant give her anything new' etc etc, but i think the worst part is seeing the photos of my girlfriend having sex, it has the worst effect on me.My girlfriend says her ex was FAR more into her than she was of him, and that it was just sex that she felt obligied to have after falling into a r'ship she never wanted to be in. She also says sex with me is completely special an different because shes in love with me.... but i just cant get over the thoughts of her having sex with someone else and having the mental image of it imprinted into my mind is driving me insane.How do I get over it? Is my self-esteem or maybe low self confidence that is causing me to feel like this? I dont know. But I feel like im suffering that badly with it that I want to leave the girl i love as i cant let go of what i saw.Any advice, would be very much appreciated.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2013): Well, it's an old discussion but anyway, allow me to tell you what I think about this.
As a logical entity, you have two ways to deal with the fact you found very graphic and sexually explicit pictures of your girlfriend with her ex-boyfriend.
First you can get over the whole thing and forgive as a "past and deceased" past. Second, the pain is unbearable, and the story is over (what can happen easily with people like me, who have a very good visual memory).
As the second point is clear, let's deal with the first one. But first of all, check well with a photo processing software the meta-datas of the pictures, in order to be sure these "oldies" are not just two-weeks old. Who knows...
That done, here is how you can conduct things: save these pictures on a memory card well hidden, then erase every pictures and text related to her ex-boyfriend. Everything must be annihilated.
Then, wait. Wait for a reaction of your girlfriend, see if she isn't aware of anything, or reversely if she is suddenly infuriated, behaviour that would mean she still considered these pictures as a good memory (and maybe a link to keep alive, in case of she would plan to get back her ex-boyfriend).
If nothing happens ever, well, it's all good. That's the proof your girlfriend is 100% yours. Maybe she had just forgotten to erase her pictures, because they meant nothing to her. You can forgive, forgive all your heart content.
Otherwise... point two.
Note 1: I would have liked to know more about what happened to the guy who posted his question first.
Note 2: Excuse my english if you find some mistakes. I'm french and do my best... without any dictionary at hand.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2010): if her ex meant nothing then why does she keep memorabilia of her sexual antics with him?
well she knows how much this has affected you so she needs to destroy all evidence of her sexual antics with him.
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A
male
reader, Kama  +, writes (6 June 2010):
 Just look at it like this: she did those things regardless of whether you saw them or not. You "saw" them. It's not like you uncovered pictures of her screwing a stranger, or a bunch of guys, or something like that, that would be worse, right? All the pics were with someone she knew and trusted, so at least take some comfort in that. What you end up doing with the mental pain is up to you, but (and I speak somewhat from experience) just know that what you saw is sort of a crystallization of something that you already knew to be true. Delete the images, have a ritual with her, burn the damn phone, extinguish those sex acts, and make new ones. At least she wasn't out tramping around, you know?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2010): I feel for you man. I have found old IM's and E-mails about my girlfriends ex'es, and it was a big blow...especially since one was way bigger than me and she told me many things to downplay her sexual past that were contradicted in her e-mails. But here's a couple things that helped me: First...she's with you and not him. Second, women are emotional creatures...they don't fixate on the sex like men do. So if she's telling you you're special...trust her. Women keep secrets about their past, and you'll have to get used to it. But they also are pretty honest about their feelings. So if she says she loves you, that usually means more to a woman than how you fuck her or how someone else did. Finally, you need to accept that she's had a sexual past. In time, the image of her blowing someone else will fade, but keep in mind you love her for the woman she has become, and her past, sexual past included, makes her the woman you love today and it makes the sex as good as it is. And don't sweat it if she's done "everything". I was with a woman for 20 years, did everything, but it is better with my current partner because she is more sensual and makes me crazy in bed, even though we hqaven't done everything.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2010): I understand how hard that must have been. Like for example why did not she not delete the pictures and text messages if they meant nothing? you better ask her that. I found old love letters that my boyfriend and his ex wrote. It hurt like hell for various reasons. Love sucks hey?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2010): I understand that its difficult. My partner told me he hadnt "done much" before we met. I found that quite refreshing and looked forward to us discovering new sexual positions ect together. Later he admitted he had pretty much "done" all manner of things sexually with his ex. Infact there wasnt much they hadnt done! It disappointed me that he had kept it from me. It affected how i felt about him sexually. I lost interest in trying "new things" with him and in some ways i thereafter looked at him as a male tart. I couldnt help it. I cant imagine how much worse it would have been to see images of it all too! So i dont think you are being over sensitive. Shes just fallen from grace in your eyes because shes not as sweet and innocent as you would like. AND she kept the pictures to prove it! Sometimes dwelling on it is exhausting. You will find little things wind you up, annoy you and make you think about the pictures again. When all you want to do is erase the images from your mind. You might also find youve lost a lot of respect for her. Because everyone has a past but they dont all keep the evidence in picture albums!! That was her real mistake. Maybe take a break if things start getting bad. Give yourself a few weeks to think about it all. See how much you miss her. You might find you miss her so much that you can get a handle on things and can go back to her with the pictures no longer a problem. OR you might find the break brings you peace of mind and you prefer that to being with her. Give a break a try,it will show you how you really feel about her and give you clarity.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2010): Hey man I know what you are going through. I had been dating a girl for a few months, everything was going great, then I found a collection of bondage stuff and pictures in her closet, stuff that she hadn't mentioned to me before. Definitely a scarring experience but this doesn't have to ruin your relationship. Go watch the movie Chasing Amy. It depicts a very, very similar experience to what you're going through and how (not) to deal with it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2010): I can't tell you how to feel or process the sexual photos you viewed of your gf and her ex. If your gf is not cheating on you currently and you have a decent relationship with her, I say focus on that part of it and just understand that the past is the past.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (5 June 2010):
 Heavy.... that's an image no person wants to carry in their mind.. No your not overreacting or being sensetative, it would traumatise most people.
Like anon has already explained, you understand with your mind, but with your emotions, you feel primal and it makes you feel angry, jealous and disgusted.
Distraction is needed.. I suggest you convince yourself that she wasn't having sex (in loving way) but was forced into something she didn't want to do. Hopefully you should then feel some sympathy, love and want to protect her, rather than feel angry, betrayed and wanting to reject her..
You saw her being pressurised into acts that she did not enjoy, because she was not happy with that person.. now just get your brain to accept what she has told you already.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2010): yes, please try to forget about it. I know it isnt easy, but dont forget, everyone has exes and we dont all know what are current boyfriends and girlfriends have done in the past, and it doesnt matter, because it's in the past, and as long as it stays there, everything will be fine. Put it this way, it's not like she was cheating on you with her ex and then you found the pictures and texts, is it?. That would have been a 100 times worse !!. And some people do have a bad past, but , you know, there's nothing you can do to change the past, so why worry about something you can't do anything about ?. Remember, all that matters is how she is with YOU and your relationship. it sounds like she thinks highly of you.
I'm surprised she kept the photos and texts on her phone after they broke up,but, as keighleysky said, i think you should make sure that they all get deleted. If she really does love you, and if her ex really didnt mean anything to her, she'll have no problem deleted them.Good luck, and please keep us posted !!.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2010): People were never mentally designed to deal with photos of their partner screwing someone else.
We don't have the programming to tell the difference between photos and the real thing. It's just like how women get hurt by their BFs looking at porn. You intellectually know it was in the past but your emotions are reacting the same as if your partner was doing these things today.
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A
female
reader, KeighleySky +, writes (4 June 2010):
 You need to get over it. She's told you sex with you is special, this basically means your better than he was. She has a past and its horrible that you saw evidence of it but you need to accept that yes she does have a past but it is none of your business. Make sure the pictures and texts are deleted.
You shouldn't break up with her, its obvious she loves you. And its obvious you love her back but your going to have to accept that she has a past as im sure you do too. Just put it behind you.
It sounds like she never loved him or wanted him and she does feel both the former and latter for you. Are you really going to find another girl who loves you and wants you like she does?
Hope i helped xx
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