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male
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anonymous
writes: My girlfriend and I have been in a serious relationship for 2 1/2 years now. I am going to be 30 and she is 23. We have all along talked about marriage, kids, our age difference, etc. It never really mattered. I was really careful in the 1st year not to get so serious because she was so young. She was the one that came to me and said she was ready for a life with me, ready to settle down, etc. and I eventually began to come around and be more serious about it. About 7 months ago we started to look for houses. We were both excited. After about 6 months of looking I bought a house in my name and we moved in together. I started to feel like something wasn't right. I wasn't trusting her. I found little things that might seem like she was cheating on me. About a month in the house I found an e-mail from her to a guy. The e-mail was about her feeling bad because the guy couldn't come somewhere with her and her g/f. I was mad as hell. Things came to a head and she admitted that she has a lot of guy friends and not really any g/f's. She said she never told me because she knew how I felt about being in a serious relationship and having the opposite sex friends. Remember, she never really spoke to me about this situation. I said I understood and that if she wanted to say hi or talk to some old guy friends once in a while, it would be fine. Everything got back to normal. About a week ago (we have been living together for 6 months) we had a fight and she just totally broke down. Said she wasn't happy, we are distant, she feels scared that we are at a point where we will commit to being together forever, she is stressed with school, work, the new house, etc. I am a firefighter, I work two jobs to support the house. I do expect things from her and sometimes when I get home after working 40 hours and I see clothes around, or garbage not taken out. I do let her know. Not really yelling, but I note it to her. She says she feels she is trying, but me saying stuff all the time puts her down? She came home 2 nights ago after all day of school and work and again cried and said she was stressed, she didn't know if she could handle everything in her life right now. We talked and I told her to quit work so she would have more time to herself. I told her we can fix anything and she seemed to calm down. Anyway when I woke up in the morning I found a camera in her bag and what I saw was pretty devastating. She was out with guy friends. One pic was a guy kissing her on the cheek, the other was a guy with his arm around her with his tongue out pretending to lick her head. I never knew she even went out. I got my stuff together and said I was leaving the house. She cried and said she made a mistake and again was scared to tell me she went out with her friends. I told her I loved her, kissed her forehead and left. I have not spoken to her in three days. She has not tried to call me. I called her mom to talk and her mom said that she talked to her and she was not cheating. She just needed to go out and blow off some steam. She also said she loves me, but she is confused, stressed. She doesn't know what is right or wrong anymore or what to do or where life is taking her. I do want to speak to her, but I am scared to call because I feel I know already that she will say she doesn't know if she can be in a committed relationship anymore. I am so hurt, frustrated, confused, angry that I don't know where to even begin. This almost came out of nowhere. I need help.
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female
reader, Astrid  +, writes (26 September 2006):
 Well I think maybe she didn't cheat on you honey most of my friends are guys and I promise I would never sleep around with any of them, however I wouldn't lie to you about going out with them if I did but you would have to understand that those mates are the people who have stood up for her when she didn't have a boyfriend and they're probably the people she's telling her stuff about you now... You should tell her that you care and that you are scared these guys are not so trusty so you'd rather prefer her to limmt to coffees and not to go at night alone with them unless you're around I think you should try to have some fun with her or even get drunk and party sometime, she's younag and needs it she also needs tp sit down to think if she wants to live with you or not as it means some duty like helping with the house work or eventually clean a little or do the shopping as she's not working, She can try to organise and the house doesn't have to be perfect but in a healthy state without rubbish.... good luck
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2006): I agree with the other anonymous female. I see abusive/controlling tendancys. I reccommend some counseling.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2006): abusive? ..i had suspected something wasn't right..and it wasn't!!! she was going out behind my back with other males! "friends" or not..it isn't right..really doesn't matter if someone is "afraid to tell you" as an excuse..you know what?? i'd be "afraid" to tell her i did that to..you know why?? b/c it would ruin our lives!!... you can use that excuse for anything you lie about in life..and what were the red flags you saw..that i expected her to hold up her end of the bargain in the house WE decided to buy??.was she afraid to tell me 6 months into our relationship , before i really was into her, paid much attention to her, or was even the slightest "controlling" towards her? noooo
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2006): I'm more concerned about you than about her. It might be nothing, but I see a lot of red flags in your post that could indicate you have abusive tendencies. I'm sure you don't think of yourself as abusive or controlling, but abusers/controllers never do. It sounds like you overreact due to some deeply rooted insecurities you have, and she's afraid to tell you things, probably because she assumes (correctly) that you'll overreact. She can't be herself without worrying it will upset you. That's not healthy for anyone.
Take some time away from the house, and see a counselor. They can help, even if it's just to let you talk out your gf's issues and help you feel better. And if I'm right that there are some issues you need to deal with, a professional counselor will see that and be able to help you before those issues really tear your life apart.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2006): I have taken all of your advice to heart..and i thank all of you from my heart..especially the last one..we did talk and i did admitt that maybe I wasn't right to say either "them or me"..meaning her guy freinds..which I have said in the past...she did admitt that her best friend growing up was a guy and that she basically cut everyone out of her life when we first met..and now she feels it wasn't right..i still don't know really how to deal with this..it is so not normal to me..another man calling her? talking about me and her? going out?? i just can't really see most men in this world going along with that? but i really really believe she doesn't see much wrong with it..or even more hurtful, how it effects me...we said we would both try and work on everything, but with some space. i understand this and i want to do it..i am just having a hard time of how to approach this..we have talked 10 times a day for 2 1/2 years..now we are supposed to talked once a week? once a day? yesterday was the first time I spoke to her face to face and it went well..we both cried, said i love you, kissed, ect..it didn't seem like a breakup..then when we left each other she asked if she could call me later..and i said yes..on my way home, i called her back and asked her if she would still like to do something nice for valentines day..and she said yes, but she would call me to talk more when she got home..this was about 1 pm..she didn't call me until 11 at night, but i missed the call and haven't called her back..the last thing i want to do is play games here..but i know i have to play something for a while..i'm just not sure how to approach it..do i call her like normal?? ask her to do something one night this week?? or kind of not really pay too too much attention for a while?
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female
reader, beentheredonethat +, writes (6 February 2006):
 Hire a house keeper once a week or once every two. It will take some of the bickery stress off her.
You are expecting her to go to school..thats a full time job. Then she was working....and you would rather her stay home and to chores rather than kick back and have some fun. Ever considered Going with her? You might have fun too.
You sound very controling if she cant take a few funny silly pictures without you pouting for three days. That may be what has backed her off from wanting to commit. It might be she has the maturity to realise this is not what it is cracked up to be and she is rightfully spooked.
Does she nag at you...how would you feel if she did?
You know it's not like you found her private porno stash in which she was the star.
She may have commitment issues but you have Trust issues. Not speaking to her...well that is just a great plan...that will help you both resolve you troubles.
We all do stupid stuff...we all are 100 percent responsible for our relationships....you can make up or break up....it all in your ball park. But it is a great test for her to see how you go about resolving fights...be very careful of your reaction. (it may be playing darts with your future)
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female
reader, Virginiaac +, writes (5 February 2006):
Turn your back and go. Not because of the pictures but because you are doing everything to earn a living and she has yet to grow up. Find yourself a woman with the mental capacity of more than a gnat! You deserve better.
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female
reader, StarNews +, writes (5 February 2006):
 Going out with her friends, and doing things behind your back, is a sign that she is not mature enough, or ready for a fully committed relationship. She is not appreciative of you, nor does she show you the respect that you deserve.
I dont know if there is a chance that this relationship can work. It is off to bad start, because the trust is gone. Its all about timing, and it doesnt sound like the right time for the two of you to be together.
Im not making excuses for what she did, because it was wrong and it was cheating. So you may want to reconsider if you would want to spend your life with someone you are already having many doubts about. True love comes naturally, and you will not have any doubts about that person's love for you.
I think it may be wiser to remain on your own, or move on, and find someone who will give you the love and trust that you deserve, and that you sound so ready for.
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female
reader, fairyangel  +, writes (5 February 2006):
 I don't think your girlfriend is quite ready for marriage & motherhood & just wants to be a girl for a little while longer & be with her friends without pressures.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with this.
The photos you describe are also very innocent & just show a girl out with friends having inocent fun.
You are making a big complicated issue out of this, when it should n't be at all.
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (5 February 2006):
 Hi there. First of all, let me say, pictures can be misleading. I've made this mistake and also seen how pictures can be misrread. I became very jealous once when I saw a picture of my wife while she was on vacation. She was in a group picture, everyone had there arms around eachother. I know the guy in the middle liked my wife. It really buggged me. I focused all my attention on this one photo. It was the only one that bothered me. There were other pictures too, with strangers in them. They didn't bother me, just this one in particular.One night I was out with my wife and her friend. She was having relationship problems with her botfriend. He was jealous and posessive. We too, were taking pictures. My wifes friend was being hit on by some guy. He and his friends were in the pictures. If the jealous boyfriend had seen the photos he would have had a million jealous thoughts run through his head. I know the truth though. I was there. She did nothing wrong. The pictures could have been interpreded another way though. It all depends on what spin you want to put on things. If some women were joking around with you in the same way it happened with your girlfriend, you wouldn't care becasue you know you wouldn't be tempted. She might feel the same way but what you saw scared you because you already had doubts about her.It seems though your girlfriend is unsure about her life at this point. She has tried to tell you a few times. I think she needs some space to decide. I know you want to fight for her but she's young. It's hard, but give her time and room to move. If she stays with you, set some boundaries. Remember too when people are out for a fun night, they let loose a little. Not to the point of cheating but just have fun. Attention from the opposite sex feels good. That's human nature. It doesn't mean she'd cheat though.Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 February 2006): Hi i'm nearly 20, so I can try to see it all from her point of view. I have been in a 3 year relationship where my partner was fine with me having guy mates in the first few months then made his feelings perfectly clear. After 2 years I practically ditched all my guy friends. And most of my friends were guys, although I had a few very very close girl friends. It made me feel so so unhappy, and so trapped and lonely. I can see why she is feeling like she is and why she never told you she went out - she just doesn't want the accusations and arguments etc. She is scared of telling you. She is still very young and it is understandable why she doesn't want to feel controlled and wants to have fun.
Personally, I have always just found it easier to be friends with guys. And believe me, I have never ever wanted more from them. I love my boyfriend with all my heart, and it was very hard to stop seeing my male friends. Many arguments and break ups etc. But maybe you should trust her? I have never cheated on my boyfriend, or any other and never will. I just used to have a laugh with them. But do note, I was never best friends with any of them.
Maybe you should explain to her you don't mind her having male friends, but not close ones. Maybe go out with her and her guy friends? Or have them round for some drinks or something?
Just try to see things from her point of view, but try and make her understand, that flirting, and touchy feelyness is hurtful and how would she like it if you were like that with girls?
I really do understand your point of view and hers. But see it from her point of view. She's young and wants to enjoy herself. And remember, if she wasn't committed to you or loved you....she would never have moved in with you. Being nicer and much more understandable makes a hell of a difference!
For instance, my boyfriend was in a serious car crash last week and realised he needed to stop the bickering and jealousy and possessiveness because i was deeply unhappy and trapped and life should be lived to the full. we are honest with each other and talk, and try our hardest to bite our tongues. All at the same time, we don't take each other for granted and dont step over the line with the opposite sex. Most importantly, we put ourselves in each others shoes!
I hope my point of view and experience has helped in the slightest! good luck! x
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